Chapter 5 – Believe In Me
Kisa did not feel okay. Not after the things that had happened after he left the café house with Yukina. The brunet was acting weird. He said a bunch of weird things, and it bothered Kisa. But what bothered him the most was that he kind of agreed to see Yukina again.
Maybe. Why did he even say that? He knew well that he should have turned him down.
That night, all Kisa did was pacing back and forth nervously in his living room, trying to think about a way that things could go right. Because in his opinion, things were going horribly wrong at the very moment. Especially after he got Yukina's hopes high. How in hell will he face him on Monday? Yukimura-sensei was still sick, no one knew when she would come back, which meant that Yukina had countless of classes with Kisa to look for. And countless of classes for Kisa that he will need to handle without falling apart just by looking at Yukina or thinking about what had happened.
And it wasn't just that maybe that made Kisa feel weird. It was that touch. When he pulled his hand away, their fingers touched, and he could feel Yukina's soft skin on his own. It made his head go crazy. And it made him feel dizzy and nauseous.
A part of him wanted to avoid Yukina. And it was a big part of him. But a small part wanted to feel that softness of Yukina's skin, moreover, wanted to hold his hand, and see him again. See him outside of school.
Kisa sighed heavily. It was so wrong, and he knew that, but for some reason, he wanted it to feel right. And he wasn't sure whether he hated this feeling or not. All he knew that he needed to calm down, and sort things out in his head in order to be collected for school in less than two days. Which, at this moment, seemed impossible to Kisa. He was sure he wouldn't be able to get himself together by Monday, and everyone will eventually notice that something's wrong with him.
He wasn't the type of teacher to zone out or fall apart often. In fact, it never happened to him once. But now it was going to happen, and he was scared, he was nervous, and he just couldn't shake off these feelings.
Maybe he should take a few days off. But then who would teach? They were short on lecturers already. Yokozawa-sensei would murder him if he took even a day off.
Now he sat down onto the couch, staring at the instant ramen he had made an hour ago. He wasn't really hungry, he just needed something to do, and it was the only thing that had come to his mind. Now the food was probably stone cold, and he still didn't feel like eating at all. His thoughts wandered back to Yukina. His smile, his enthusiasm about that damned piano, and his touch. The touch that Kisa could still feel on his fingers.
Kisa buried his face into his palms. If he hadn't heard Yukina playing that certain song weeks ago, they wouldn't have been doing this now. But Yukina had to play that stupid song, and Kisa had to come running to make sure the obvious – that it wasn't Yoshida that played the song.
Now that he thought about it, a weird thing crossed his mind.
Maybe it was their destiny.
Kisa shook his head. That couldn't be. That was impossible. For then years Kisa had been convincing himself that his destiny was to suffer. And that big part of him didn't want Yukina to be his destiny. He didn't want to go with the flow anymore.
Later, he was in bed, wrapped up in a big and warm blanket, but he couldn't sleep. The thought of Yukina kept him up almost all night.
Monday came fast. And Kisa wasn't ready to face the day. He wasn't ready for his supervisors to see his worn out face, he wasn't ready to see Yukina, and definitely wasn't ready to talk to him. Because Kisa knew that Yukina would go out of his way to talk to him.
Thankfully, Yukina's class was taken by a different lecturer that day. And Kisa was incredibly grateful for this. He got through all his classes without a problem. And for hours, everything seemed to go as usual.
Things took a turn, when Kisa was about to go home. He packed his stuff, put on his scarf and coat, and just as he left the office, someone almost bumped into him. A few students were running down the corridor in a hurry, laughing loudly at something.
"Hey, no running!" Kisa yelled after them.
They stopped, and one of them turned around.
"Sorry, prof-"
It was Yukina. And he stopped mid-sentence as he saw Kisa. As for Kisa, he wanted to go back into the office, lock the door, and stay there until everyone else had gone home. But it would have been weird to do that, he thought.
So instead, he stood Yukina's stare, and his happy face.
"Come on, if you don't have any more classes coming up, then go home," Kisa continued.
"Sure, sorry, professor," the other kids said, and they now headed towards the stairs. It was just Yukina standing in the middle of the corridor, staring at Kisa.
"Hey, I said go home," Kisa repeated.
"Yeah, right…" Yukina sighed. "See you later."
Kisa didn't move a step until he made sure Yukina's steps faded as he got farther. His heart was beating like crazy, and he was sure his face was red. Did they notice? Hopefully not.
He left the building, heading towards the bus stop. As usual, there was a lot of people waiting for the bus, and Kisa tried to stand as far from them as he could. He didn't want to be in the crowd, it would have bothered the hell out of him. He had nearly fifteen minutes until the bus came, so he leaned against a lamp post, staring into space. The reaction he had after this little encounter exhausted him. He was damn grateful that he didn't have to face Yukina the whole day.
"Someone seriously need some sleep," a voice suddenly said, and Kisa nearly jumped.
He looked to the side. It was Yukina standing next to him. His face was literally sparkling. And he was smiling.
"And someone needs to take a step back," Kisa murmured. "You're too close, kid."
"Oh, my apologies," Yukina chuckled as he took a step back. "You haven't slept well, have you?"
"I've already said this, but you should be worrying about yourself, not me," Kisa rolled his eyes.
"Ooor you could let me worry about whoever I want," Yukina suggested, and Kisa grunted. Why couldn't Yukina just leave him alone?
Yukina laughed softly, and Kisa couldn't help but smile at him. That small part that wanted Yukina around him grew bigger every second that Kisa spent with this boy. In his mind, two voices were arguing. Did Kisa actually want Yukina to leave? Or did he want him around? Not knowing what he wanted exactly was frustrating.
"Shouldn't you be at home, Yukina?" he then asked.
"I mean, I should be, but I'm going to the cinema with my friend, so…"
Kisa nodded.
"Well, have fun then. What about getting a girlfriend?"
It felt like a blade that cut through Kisa's heart. He feared the answer, although he had this weird idea that Yukina wants something strange from him.
Yukina looked so surprised as if Kisa wasn't even speaking Japanese to him.
"Come again?" he managed to say.
"Eh, just forget it," Kisa shook his head. Maybe he shouldn't have asked that.
"Yes, that's what I'm gonna do." Yukina sounded so offended that Kisa suddenly felt bad for asking such a question. "I can't believe I just heard you asking that."
Kisa gulped, a sweat drop rolled down on his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you or something."
"No, I'm-" Yukina stopped to take a deep breath. "I'm not really offended or mad, I'm just… It just feels weird."
Maybe it would be a stupid idea to ask why, Kisa thought. He was kind of aware of it now.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I-"
The bus had arrived, and people started getting on. Kisa walked towards the door, but Yukina didn't move.
"The movie ends at nine. Can I possibly see you after that?"
Kisa gulped again. He had to hurry up with the answer because there wasn't many people getting on the bus. He clenched his fists in his pocket.
"Take this bus and ride four stops. I'll wait there."
Kisa got on, and as the bus departed, he watched Yukina walk away with a lit-up face, and a huge, childish grin. He took a seat, and let out a heavy sigh. His face was burning, his hands shaking. He agreed to see Yukina that night.
Maybe he should have turned it down.
Or maybe he's going to talk to Yukina, and end things before they could start.
It was five minutes past nine, and Kisa was sitting at the bus stop, nervously waiting for the bus to arrive. To the best of his knowledge, none of the students that might know him lived in that area, so he should be okay, walking around with Yukina that late at night. Especially on Monday.
When the bus arrived, Kisa watched Yukina jumping off, looking as happy as he always did. Kisa didn't know if Yukina felt just as nervous as he did, but he sure didn't seem like it.
"Good evening," he greeted cheerfully.
"Hey," Kisa nodded his head towards Yukina. He wasn't sure what to say. What was even the right thing to say?
"I pretty much can't wait to see where you live, Kisa-san," the brunet said. He didn't seem embarrassed at all. "I'm quite excited."
"What are you so excited for?" Kisa frowned with a small smile. "It's not like I live in a castle."
"I know, but still." Yukina stopped for a moment, throwing a perfect grin at Kisa. "I just wanna see your place."
And that was the moment Kisa knew that Yukina was probably head over heels in love with him. Kisa, himself, was slowly falling for him as well. He just couldn't decide what he wanted to do with it. If anyone ever found out that they were this close, Kisa would lose his job. And maybe Yukina would get kicked out of university, too. This whole thing was risky, yet Yukina took the risk.
Was he even aware of the consequences?
As they entered Kisa's apartment, Yukina looked around in awe. His eyes were sparkling, on his face a happy smile.
"My place is pretty similar, yet yours feels different," he said.
"Obviously. This one's mine, not yours."
Yukina laughed. Kisa's heart had gone crazy in his chest.
"You know, I'm actually crazy happy that you agreed on seeing me tonight," Yukina continued.
"Yeah, well, maybe it's time we talk," Kisa sighed. That's right. He's going to tell Yukina that they need to stop playing around like this. He's going to tell Yukina that there's no way they could be together.
"Oh, right, I was gonna talk to you," Yukina nodded. He didn't seem anxious or anything. He remained cheerful.
"Okay, well, go ahead."
Yukina slowly turned his gaze at Kisa, and Kisa blushed at that.
"I'm sorry."
They stood in the middle of Kisa's living room, staring into each other's eyes. Yukina was scratching the back of his head, his face turned slightly pink.
"Huh?" was all Kisa could say.
"I'm sorry if I came off as weird. I mean I'm always around you, and I bet you think I'm annoying as hell."
Yukina chuckled, and Kisa gulped.
He thought he was a little annoying.
But on the other hand, he didn't think that at all. Damn, he just confused his own self.
Should he say that Yukina wasn't annoying? Should he say that he was, moreover, should he be bitter and rude, so he would leave Kisa alone? Kisa wasn't even sure he truly wanted Yukina to leave him alone.
Kisa bit his lip as he turned his gaze down, staring at the floor.
What would happen if he gave in? Would he still see Yoshida in Yukina? Or would he be able to see the boy for who he is?
And what would happen if he sent Yukina away now? Would that mean that he let this chance go with him? A chance where he could get over Yoshida and live a happy life in a happy relationship?
He wasn't even sure if they could maintain a relationship. Yukina was nine years his junior after all.
Kisa opened his mouth to reply, but he couldn't form the words. Although Yukina was waiting patiently for him to say something.
"Yukina, I-" He gulped as he looked up at the brunet. "I don't…"
Kisa didn't need to finish his sentence. Yukina knew what he wanted to say. He let out a sigh in relief.
"Thank goodness," he mumbled. His voice changed from cheerful to a little nervous. "Here I was thinking I was clinging onto you just too much."
"Well, maybe you are," Kisa whispered with a small smile.
Yukina took a step closer to Kisa, and Kisa didn't move away. But the closer Yukina was, the more Kisa's legs were shaking. He couldn't even move to take a seat before he would collapse in the living room, in front of Yukina.
"Kisa-san… what exactly are we doing?"
Kisa gulped.
"You tell me," he said weakly.
The gap between them wasn't even an inch. Yukina gently touched Kisa's arm, and Kisa flinched, but never pulled away.
"All I know is that your strong mask has just broken into pieces. I've broken it," Yukina murmured.
"Come on that's not-"
"Kisa-san, I want to know what happened to you," Yukina went on, and Kisa felt goosebumps on his arm. "You are not who you show the world you are."
"That's not true."
"Why are you trying to deny it?"
"I-"
Kisa knew he had lost. He had lost to Yukina. Because he knew things as if they were written all over Kisa's face. He didn't want Yukina to know. Never. Yoshida was a secret that should die with Kisa. Or at least that was what Kisa believed. He didn't want him to know.
"I swear to listen, Kisa-san," Yukina added. "I swear to listen and make it all better. You just got to believe in me."
Kisa looked into Yukina's shiny eyes. They were promising. All of this felt true. And yet, Kisa shook his head.
"I'm not talking about this, Yukina. Not this."
The brunet now slid his hand onto Kisa's back, and once again, Kisa flinched.
"May I know, why?"
"Because I can never get over it."
It hurt him. It hurt him physically to even say this much. The less he thought about the past, the less he talked about it, the less it hurt him. That was the reason Kisa decided to never tell anyone. Not someone new in his life, not his parents, not his friends. And now, even the thought of talking about it, talking about everything made him feel sick.
"I can help you," Yukina insisted softly. "You just got to believe in me."
He said it again. Why would Kisa believe in him? No matter how many times he had gone out to drink and hook up with random strangers, none of it helped him. How could this young boy here help?
"I can't…" Kisa replied. He was on the verge of crying. He could hardly hold his tears back. "I'm sorry, I can't…"
And for his biggest surprise, Yukina hugged him. Tightly, closely, lovingly. Kisa couldn't even put into words what he was feeling.
"I'm not trying to force you to talk about it," Yukina whispered into his ears. "I just want to help. And I'm sure it helps if you talk about it. But it's all up to you, Kisa-san."
Kisa nodded. And he cried. He cried into Yukina's chest, and it gave him some sort of comfort. He didn't know how or why, but Yukina's presence was already helping.
"Thank you," Kisa mumbled. "I appreciate you trying to help."
A minute later, Yukina let go of him, smiling down at him, and Kisa smiled back, although his face was soaked by his tears. He had broken down.
He might believe in this brat after all.
A/N:
Ay, hey! A new chapter this quick? Ritsu, you're never this quick?
Yeah, I managed to write a new chapter this soon. Why? First off, because I was full of ideas, and I still am, but I need to brainstorm before actually writing the next chapter. And second off, I was getting prepared for NaNo Camp. That's right, I'm doing NaNo Camp. I signed up for it with 30k words, and my project is this story. Hopefully it will help me update quicker.
As Camp NaNo starts at 00:00, I decided to update today. From here on, I'll try to update once a week, but it's not a promise. I might just get carried away and write without updating. xDD
Also, things are gonna get... interesting in the story. Well, I hope I can make it interesting. Hopefully you're ready.
Thanks for ready, following, favouriting, and reviewing. It helps me a lot when I feel unmotivated. :)
Ricchan