Chapter 6 – Seeking Help

For the rest of the night, Kisa was pacing back and forth. He had been doing this a lot lately. Sometimes he would sit down, and bury his face into his palms, and then stand up, and start walking again. He was helpless, confused, indecisive. He knew that he had to give this whole thing some time. He knew that he had to think everything through carefully. But all he could think of was Yukina, his touch, his nice smell, and that adorable smile of his.

How was Kisa supposed to act and think like an adult? This boy completely messed up his mind, and all Kisa wanted to do is hold him, have him.

His temples were pulsing, his head aching, and his body shaking. He was pretty sure he was in love with Yukina, and that Yukina was in love with him. But he didn't want to give in just yet. He knew he needed help to forget Yoshida, but Yukina wasn't enough to help. He needed a professional, a psychologists.

Takano!

Kisa shook his head with a loud sigh. He couldn't just walk up to Takano, and say that he needed help. He was there for students, not lecturers. Besides, how could Kisa talk about Yoshida to a colleague? Especially because Kisa didn't even want to talk about him to anybody.

But to maintain a healthy and proper relationship – whether it was with Yukina or anyone else –, Kisa needed to talk about Yoshida. Just the thought of that scared him. It felt like a relic that he needed to protect, and now he was about to give it to someone else.

He took a deep breath. He needed to convince himself that talking about the past to someone that definitely can help will actually help. But believing in it wasn't easy. Damn, if he couldn't believe in Takano, how could he ever believe in Yukina?

That night, Kisa nearly cried himself to sleep.

He wanted help.

But he was scared to death.

For the following one or two days, all he was thinking about was this situation. Why did it have to be so difficult?

If he truly wanted to be with Yukina, he needed to get rid of the thoughts of Yoshida. To which, he needed help. Not to mention, that he would probably have to quit Mitsuhashi as well. Maybe he should let Yukina know about the consequences? He didn't seem to be aware of them at all.

Teaching had become a real challenge from there.

Facing Yukina was a bigger challenge.

And a few days later, Kisa decided.

A rainy day again. Kisa was in his office, getting ready for his last class. Which, for a change, wasn't with Yukina's class. His head was aching badly from trying his hardest to avoid Yukina as much as he could. He didn't need any scandal going around about them.

He rubbed his temples. He had decided to talk to Takano. But he had to do it later when no one else was around. Everything was too risky, and Kisa felt anxious. Maybe a little bit paranoid, too.

After his last class was over, he walked towards Takano's office. He took a deep breath, and knocked. He heard a raspy, quiet 'yes' from the other side. He pushed the handle slowly, and walked in. Takano's office wasn't very big, but it sure was cosy. Perfect for psychological sessions for university students.

"Oh, good afternoon, Professor Kisa," he greeted. He was slightly surprised.

"Good afternoon. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a second."

Takano nodded.

"Sure, anytime. Is everything okay?"

"I don't think so," Kisa admitted, and took a seat across from Takano. "I, uh, I might need your help."

Takano nodded his head again slowly.

"Okay, how can I help? Did something happen?"

"I mean, I need your help as a patient, and not as a colleague," Kisa replied carefully, his heartbeat quickened with every word he spoke.

Takano seemed slightly surprised.

"I'm sorry, it's quite unexpected, but sure. Would you like to just talk? Or do you need a session?"

"You tell me, I guess," Kisa shrugged.

"Well, I need to know what the problem is," Takano smiled a little.

Kisa took a deep breath. His palms were sweating.

"Okay, well, uh…"

"It's alright, take your time."

Kisa nodded. He made it to Takano's office. And now that he was about to talk, he just couldn't. It was hard to form the words. With every word, his stomach got more and more clenched.

"So, I guess I have a hard time… forgetting." He stopped. He glanced up at Takano. Takano was waiting patiently for him to continue. Kisa exhaled. "Forgetting someone who used to be important."

Takano nodded.

"Is this person still important?"

"I guess so, yeah. I mean, they shouldn't be. There's someone new, and…"

Kisa stopped again. He wasn't so sure about this until this point, but now he was certain that he considered Yukina as 'someone new', even though they weren't dating yet.

"Okay." Takano now reached for one of his notebooks, tore a paper out of it, and after a few seconds of writing, he gave the paper to Kisa. "This is my address. It's where I hold private sessions outside of school. We can talk about your situation more tomorrow evening between six and eight."

Kisa put the paper away with a small nod. He couldn't believe how easy it was. Well, at least he thought it was quite easy so far.

"Thanks," Kisa breathed. "I- uh, how much would it be?"

For his biggest surprise, Takano smiled and shook his head.

"Don't mind it."

"You can't say that, you're making a living here, Takano."

But the man only shrugged as he slowly took off his glasses, and put them on the table.

"I have plenty of patients, Kisa-san. I work in school, and at home, I'm more than okay. And you're my colleague, so I'm not going to charge you."

Kisa almost broke into a happy laugh. He was more than grateful for Takano's help. As he left the office, all he could think about was that how there was a kind hearted person behind the strict looking face.

By the time he got to the bus stop, his mind went crazy. He had an appointment with Takano. But what should he do with Yukina until then? Kisa was pretty sure the brunet would want some kind of explanation. Just a week ago, they hung out together in a café. Just a few days ago, they hugged so intimately as if they were an official couple already. And now Kisa was avoiding him, and Yukina probably had no idea why.

Maybe he should hang out with Yukina sometimes. At least on weekends. He had to admit himself the fact that he wanted to see Yukina probably as badly as Yukina wanted to see him.

Kisa sighed, and hopped on the bus when it finally came, and in the corner of it, he spotted that old lady he had talked to just a few weeks ago. Now that he thought about it, it was crazy how time flew when he was stressed and under a lot of pressure. For a moment, he was wondering if the old lady would recognise him at all. But then she turned her glance at him, and smiled softly. Kisa walked towards her.

"Good evening," he greeted.

"Ah, if it isn't you again," the old lady chuckled. "It's been a while, I haven't seen you around."

"Right, I was busy with work," Kisa replied with a soft laugh. "How have you been?"

The old lady sighed, and scratched her face.

"So-so. I went to visit my son's grave yesterday. Someone had put a bucket of freshly picked flowers on the stone, and I honestly have a hard time figuring out who it might have been. Although I have an idea."

"Maybe it was someone who used to be close to your son," Kisa said slowly.

But the old lady shook her head.

"By the time he died, he had no friends. He only had his father and me. There's only one person who knows about his death, but as I said, by the time my son died, they weren't friends anymore." Now the lady's eyes got teary, and Kisa had no idea what to say or do. For a minute, he stayed completely silent, and just stared at the lady.

"I'm sorry," he then managed to mumble. "I have no idea what it feels like to lose someone like this."

The old lady smiled, and wiped the corner of her eyes.

"Yet, you're saying sorry to a silly old lady you don't even know, about someone you might have never met, and you mean it. And you can't even imagine how much it means."

Kisa sniffed. He was tearing up. He truly felt sorry for this lady.

He didn't want to make the lady feel worse by talking more about it. He took a deep breath, and tried to change the topic.

"May I ask how old you are?"

"Fifty-six," she replied with a soft chuckle. "What about you, young man?"

Kisa smiled.

"Thirty."

The lady nodded, and glanced at Kisa for a moment. And then she turned towards the window. Kisa wondered why she went silent all of a sudden. He didn't say anything. But a minute later, the old lady turned back to Kisa.

"My son would the same age as you," she whispered.

When Kisa got off the bus, he let his tears roll down on his cheek. He felt sad for this old lady, and he felt bad because he couldn't say anything to comfort her. Although he wanted to.

He walked towards his apartment slowly, wondering how the lady's son might have died. It was probably a disease, Kisa thought.

As he finally got the chance to fall into his bed, he closed his eyes, and let them rest. He didn't even bother with changing or taking a shower. He could do that tomorrow.

His thoughts went back to the session he was going to have with Takano, and to obviously Yukina. Kisa sighed. He should have given him his phone number, so they could still be in contact. But it was risky, as Yukina, who might have been a highly intelligent kid, was kind of clumsy. He might not pay attention and text Kisa in front of someone who should never see it.

As Kisa got deeper in his thoughts, he had slowly fallen asleep.

The next day was a rough one. Kisa woke up quite late as he had forgotten to set an alarm. He had to hurry up, he didn't even have the time to shower. He didn't have time to get proper breakfast, and it made him feel quite grumpy. He didn't want to be around any of his colleagues, or any of the students, especially not Yukina.

On his way to work, he grabbed something to eat from a nearby convenient store. It wasn't much, but still something, and he felt less dizzy and grumpy from hunger.

He walked into his office two minutes before his first class started, and he hardly even knew where he was. He just put all of his unorganized notes into his briefcase, and nearly ran towards the classroom. He nearly fell over as he opened the door. His day had begun.

And he survived the day. He even survived the double English classes with Yukina in it. And as the afternoon came, he only had one thing to look for: the session with Takano. Kisa had all his hopes in it, he just wanted to get better, he just wanted Takano to clean this mess in his head.

As Kisa left the building of the university, he walked straight to Takano's place. He wasn't very familiar with that area, but he believed in Google Maps. Although it confused the hell out of him, he finally found the address. He was standing in front of a tall gate, the tag on the wall said 'Takano'.

Kisa rang the bell. The door opened almost immediately, and Takano walked out. He was in casual clothes. He looked so different.

"Good evening," Kisa greeted as Takano opened the gate.

"Good evening. I'm glad you got here safe."

Kisa nodded.

"I don't think I've ever been around here before."

Takano smiled at him, and invited him inside his house. Kisa looked around as he set his feet in there. It looked just as cosy and organised as Takano's school office was. His shoes were neatly put next to each other, his kitchen and living room tidy.

"My office's this way," Takano pointed at a door in the end of the living room. Kisa nodded, and followed him. In the office was a dark red leather sofa, and a dark brown mahogany table across from it. "Take a seat, please."

Kisa sat down onto the leather sofa, which was just way too comfortable. Takano took a seat in the big chair behind his table.

"You have a nice office," Kisa complimented.

"Thanks," Takano's mouth curled upwards. "So, in the next two hours, I'll need you to start talking to me. And as you're talking, I'll try and dig as deep in your mind as I can. Do you think we can do that?"

Kisa nodded uncertainly.

"I hope so."

"Okay. Please, begin."

Kisa let out a shaky breath, and began to talk.

He started out with how he met Yoshida.

It was the first day of school, and Kisa was quite confused, looking for his last class. He was walking down the corridor when he heard this cheerfully melodic piano song coming from the music room. He followed the sound until he found the exact room, and there he was. A young brunet was sitting at the piano, his fingers dancing on the keys passionately. Kisa couldn't keep his eyes off that guy, and it seemed like he noticed because he started speaking without missing a key.

"Do you like piano song?"

But Kisa had no idea what to say. He had never really been interested in it.

A few seconds later, the brunet stopped playing, and turned towards Kisa with an angelic smile, and Kisa blushed hard.

"First year?"

Kisa slowly nodded.

"I guess you're not."

The brunet grinned.

"I am."

And Kisa had finally felt brave enough to step closer. He told the boy how beautiful he found the song, and they smiled at each other. Kisa felt an instant connection to this boy.

"My name's Yoshida Ryo."

Kisa gulped. Now that he was talking about this, he felt strange. As if he was relieving the past, and he wanted to burst out crying, but he was also feeling a little less heavier inside. He glanced at Takano who was patiently waiting for him to continue.

And Kisa did. He jumped to the time where Yoshida and he were good friends. And where things had changed between them.

It was nearly May, and Yoshida and Kisa agreed on going to get some ice cream after school. Kisa would have been a fool to say no to his invitation. He was crushing on him hard, and sometimes he was wondering how he was able to hide his feelings.

Having an ice cream with Yoshida was more than amazing. It was a daydream. Even after finishing their ice creams, they were walking down slowly by the riverside, talking about basically nonsense. They enjoyed each other's company, and Kisa would have given anything to make it last forever.

"You know, Kisa, I'm honestly glad you decided to stop by the music room last month," Yoshida suddenly said, and Kisa grinned.

"I'm glad you're glad."

"And I was wondering, if, uh-"

Kisa raised his eyebrows, and waited for Yoshida to continue, but the boy's face just got redder and redder.

"Are you okay? You look like you're having a fever."

"Oh, no, that's not the case," Yoshida chuckled. "Okay, Imma spill it. So, I was wondering if you wanna go out with me? Please don't judge me, I just like you a lot…"

Yoshida spoke so fast that the words melted into each other, and everything he said was nearly gibberish to Kisa. But he understood him. And his heart almost beat out of his chest in joy. As if a dream just came true.

"I- Yeah, I'd totally love going out with you."

And Yoshida screamed a 'yes' to the sky as he jumped around like a kid, and Kisa laughed at him. He was happy. Truly happy.

Kisa stopped again. His eyes were tearing up, and Takano probably noticed it because he cleared his throat, and began to talk, breaking the sudden silence between them.

"So, to me, it seems like you're stuck in your past."

"Yeah," Kisa breathed as he wiped the corner of his eyes. "And then we were together for three years, and we were, like, truly happy. And then they suddenly told me that we can't be together anymore."

"And up to this day, you've been wondering why," Takano said as if reading Kisa's mind. Kisa nodded. "Have you tried to date new people since then?"

Kisa didn't know what to say. Hooking up with strangers in bars probably didn't count.

"I guess not. I had some… umm… one night stands, but my mind always went back to my past lover."

"Yes, it seems like this woman leaving you was a big trauma," Takano nodded.

And Kisa raised his eyebrows at him, blinking for a few second. And then he understood where the problem was. He forgot to mention one small fact.

"Look, if I tell you a secret, can you promise me not to tell anyone?"

"Kisa-san, that's why I'm a psychologists," Takano replied with a soft frown. "I am literally expected to keep secrets."

Kisa exhaled, he kept on biting his lip. He was nervous. He had never come out to anyone except his parents and Yoshida. He gulped as he took a deep breath.

"My past lover, uh… He wasn't a woman. He was a guy. His name was…" And he stopped. Takano thought Kisa dated a woman because Kisa unconsciously avoided to mention Yoshida's name.

"You don't need to tell me his name now," Takano slowly began, "but sooner or later, you'll have to face this fear you have connected to this person. I will try to help you face them sooner rather than later, though."

Kisa nodded, smiling gratefully at Takano.

"I really hope you can help me."

"Why haven't you seen a professional before?"

Kisa laughed a little.

"I have no idea. I guess I never had the guts."

"I see," Takano nodded again. Kisa was so nervous that it brought him a little joy to note the fact that all Takano did was nodding. For an absurd reason, he almost laughed at it.

"Yeah…"

"And is there someone new in your life?"

Now Kisa laughed out loud, and Takano seemed puzzled.

"How did you know?" Kisa then asked.

"It's kind of a routine question," Takano replied. "I assume that person is the reason you've finally reached out for help."

"That's true," Kisa nearly shrieked. He knew well that he needed Takano's help, but the way Takano read him just by a fragment of his past was scary.

"Well, I'm glad you reached out," Takano scratched his head. "Just by the things you've told me, I can tell that you need some kind of… guidance. It feels like you are stuck and lost in your past, and you can't find the way out."

All Kisa could do is nod shyly. He had never tried to explore this whole things from this point of view. And now that Takano did it for him, he felt grateful, and also scared. He had been holding onto these memories, the memory of Yoshida for way too long, and letting go of him, and finally getting over him was scary.

"I… I know I need this, but…"

"You're anxious. Scared," Takano finished the sentence for him. He smiled at Kisa. "It's all over your face. You need to imagine your mind like a garden. It's full of your favourite plants and flowers. But there are some unwanted ones. And you keep cutting them off, but they grow back. So, what do you do in this case?"

Kisa shrugged. He had never done anything garden related.

"I honestly have no idea."

"You pull the unwanted plants out by their roots, so they don't grow back. That's what we'll need to do with this 'unwanted plant' in the garden of your mind. With the memory of your past lover."

"Okay…" Kisa replied slowly. He had no idea how he could have imagined it happening, but he trusted Takano.

"Obviously, we can't make you forget it," Takano continued. "But after we pulled the plant out, we can put it away, maybe plant it somewhere else. We will have to take your past by its roots, and pull it out, and plant the present to its place."

Kisa was holding his breath back. He was truly impressed.

"So, how are we gonna do this?"

"I'm gonna apply a method called cognitive behavioural therapy. This therapy will help you identify, understand, and correct your distorted thoughts. These thoughts are the ones having a negative effect on your feelings and behaviour."

"Wow." It was all Kisa managed to say. No matter how he looked at it, it still scared the hell out of him.

"Have you heard of the thought-feeling-behaviour cycle?" Takano now asked. Kisa needed a minute to think, but then he nodded.

"I have taken some psychology classes in university, but it's been a while."

"So, it's basically how your negative thoughts create feelings, these feelings affected by your negative thoughts create unwanted behaviours, and these behaviours reinforce thoughts. And it goes on, and on, and on."

Takano stopped for a moment, and Kisa was sure he was waiting for him to process the information he had just gotten.

"So, first of all, I'd say you need two sessions a week. Cognitive behavioural therapy's duration depends on the individual's progress. The sooner we cure you, the fewer session you'll need."

"Okay. So when should I come back?" Kisa asked.

"Saturday," Takano replied. "And we're going to take your problem, break it down into small parts, and analyse it. As well as we're going to analyse your thoughts, feelings, actions, etcetera. And we're going to break this cycle."

Takano glanced at the clock on the wall. It was almost seven thirty.

"For now, go home, Kisa-san, have some rest."

"Okay," Kisa nodded. "At what time should I come here?"

"Six is fine. Let's dig up your mind."

The next morning, Kisa was on his way to his next class, when someone almost bumped into him. It was Yukina. And he was pulled back by one of his friends.

"Jesus Christ, Kou, be careful!" the guy scolded Yukina. Then he turned towards Kisa. "I'm sorry, sensei, you're not the first one he almost bumped into today."

"What do you mean Professor Kisa is not the first one?" Yukina argued. "I'm not that clumsy."

"You almost ran Yokozawa over with your bike!"

"I did not!"

"Once again, sensei, I'm sorry," the guy talked to Kisa again, "Kou must be on K-Pax or some shit."

Kisa took a deep breath.

"Alright, first of all, it's Yokozawa-sensei," he began. "Second off, watch your language! And third off, stop arguing."

"Yes, sensei…"

"And go to class. Both of you."

Yukina and his friend headed down the corridor. But then Yukina turned around, and yelled:

"Just to make things clear, I wasn't even close to Yokozawa-sensei, I didn't almost run him over. I'm not that dangerous!"

Yukina's friend laughed. Kisa laughed as well while walking towards to the next class. Even when that class was over and he was sitting in the office, he was smiling to himself. All he could think about was Yukina and that innocent smile on his face. Even if Yukina had run Yokozawa over with his bike, and Kisa had seen it, he would have probably laughed. And he wasn't sure if it was because he didn't like Yokozawa or because he was into Yukina.

"Someone is smiley today," a voice pointed out, and Kisa turned towards it. It was Takano and Miyagi standing above him.

"I guess," Kisa replied. "How are you today, Takano-san? Miyagi-sensei?"

"So-so," Miyagi answered the question first. "I could be doing greater, but sadly I'm having some… problems."

"What? Love affair, or something?"

This question was intended to be a joke, but Kisa could have sworn that Miyagi blushed a little. Although he shook his head as he lifted a cigarette to his mouth.

"No, it's… something different. Anyway, is there a reason why you're so smiley today, Kisa? And would you wanna share this reason with us? I could use some smile, y'know."

Takano chuckled, and Kisa blushed just like Miyagi did a minute ago.

"It's just… a joke I thought of. It's a very silly one. I have a weird sense of humour."

Miyagi rolled his eyes.

"Don't even tell me then. I hate most of them puns and jokes. But I'm glad I've finally seen you smile, Kisa."

Kisa raised his eye brows in surprise.

"What do you mean?"

Miyagi exhaled a cloud of smoke which made Kisa cough. Meanwhile, two other professors entered the office, one of them was Kamijou-sensei.

"Could you, like, not smoke in here?" he spoke to Miyagi. "You're killing us."

"You're not in the position to tell me what to do," Miyagi replied.

Kisa watched them argue about how Miyagi shouldn't be smoking in the office, and how Kamijou should go to hell. He was pretty glad the topic changed, and he wasn't in the centre of the conversation anymore.

He glanced at the sky through the windows. And then he glanced back at Takano. How long would it take for Takano to cure Kisa? And how long would it take for Kisa to heal?

Kisa sat back in his chair. His heart started beating faster to a thought that suddenly crossed his mind.

He wanted to be with Yukina as soon as he could.

A/N:

Hey there! So, I'm back with a new chapter. Didn't take too long, did it? *yes it did*

So, first of all, I've won Camp Nano, I've written 30k words in 19 days, and now I'm going to sit down and re-read what I've written so far, and edit the hell out of it. The story is far ahead, and it was so weird to look at ch6 when I was writing ch13 just yesterday :'D

Anyway, I hope you enjoy. If you're reading my story, then thank you. It means a lot. :3 And if you've written a review, also thank you. If you liked it, don't forget to leave a comment, I'd like to see what you guys think^^

Until next time!

Ricchan