A/N: Well, it's been a while, huh? There isn't much left of this story, so I'll try to finish it soon! Sorry about the wait.

Chapter 15 – The road to moving on

Kisa had to get temporary sick leave from the school. He just wasn't able to work, not while he was all over the place emotionally. He gave it a thought, and decided to restart his psychology sessions with Takano. Yukina supported the idea of course, and not only because Kisa would wake up at night from his dreams crying, but because it's never a bad idea to have the right kind of help on your journey of healing and moving on.

For the next month or so, Kisa went to see Takano twice a week, for a fifty minutes session, where he talked about everything he had read in the diary, everything he had discovered about Yoshida.

"I was so wrong, Takano," he whispered as he was sitting on the leather couch in front of the other man. "So, so damn wrong, and it kills me."

"You just assumed the obvious, Kisa. There was nothing wrong with that. Anyone would've done the same. It doesn't make you a bad person at all."

Kisa slowly nodded as he swallowed his tears.

"Yeah. But it still hurts, and I guess it will for a while."

"Yes, but this is why I'm here. And this is why you're here with me. To be able to move on, again. For good."

Kisa nodded again, a sad smile spread through his face.

"For good."

For the time being, Kisa advised Yukina to stay at home, and take care of himself. The past couple of weeks, he had been at Kisa's, trying to help him with anything he could, and now Kisa told him it was time he took care of himself. Especially because his finals just passed, and he should have been getting ready for the graduation ceremony at the end of March. Yukina wasn't very happy about it, but did as Kisa told him to do, and spent his time resting. Kisa felt like he couldn't stand being around someone else other than Takano. He had moments when he wanted to just hug Yukina and never let go of him, but needless to say, his mind didn't work very well at the moment. So, he tried his best to take care of himself, went to therapy, started to cook again for himself and took regular showers. He did everything he had neglected lately.

One thing he didn't see coming, though – that Kawashima would be coming around almost everyday to check on him. And she was pretty persistent.

"Come on, Shouta, you need someone to help you," she said one day when Kisa tried to gently send her away.

"First of all, since when are we at first name basis?" Kisa grunted angrily. "Second off, I appreciate you trying to help, but this is something I gotta do on my own."

Kawashima sighed.

"What exactly are you doing? Besides being on sick leave. I can't help but worry, Shouta."

"It's not like it's any of your business. You're not even a supervisor, Kawashima," Kisa replied, and tried to shut the door again, but Kawashima held it.

"I know, I know. And… sorry… I didn't mean to just barge in on you like this." She sighed again, and leaned against the rail in front of Kisa's apartment. "I seriously worry about you. Just… tell me you're okay."

Kisa smiled a little. His chest felt warm.

"I'm okay. I'm… seeing a therapist. I'm cooking my own meals, so you seriously don't have to worry, Yoko."

Kawashima grinned at him, and ruffled his hair. Kisa wasn't very happy about it, but didn't say anything.

"Well, then. Make sure you check in with me."

"No way."

"Bye!"

Kisa waved at her as he watched her go. It wasn't like he was feeling alone, not at all. He knew he had people to rely on if he absolutely needed. But still, the support Kawashima was trying to give him made him feel warm inside. She probably tried to stick together because in Yoshida, they had both lost a loved one.

Kisa went back inside, and turned the TV on for background noise. He poured some sake in a shotglass and sipped it while he cooked some dinner. In the first few days after reading the diary, he used alcohol to cope with his feelings. He soon stopped doing that as he discovered – which later Takano confirmed – that it only made him feel ten times worse. So he drank slowly, little by little with his meals. He didn't try to bury his feelings anymore, but he needed just only a few sips of sake to stay calm.

He ate his dinner, and took a nice and refreshing shower before bed.

Two weeks had gone by, and his sick leave was over. As much as he anticipated going back to work, he was also happy to get out of his apartment and the general area of where he lived, and be around people a little. He dropped Yukina a text to update him on his wellbeing, and Yukina of course texted back immediately saying how happy he is to hear the news. Kisa, with a smile and a bit of anxiety, stepped outside into the freezing cold morning in early March.

He got on the metro, and soon enough, he was at the school's gate, watching all the pupils get inside. Some of the young girls froze when they saw him, then screeched happily, and Kisa felt a bit weirded out by the reaction at first, but he smiled when they ran up to him.

"You're finally back!" one of them said in a high pitched voice.

"We missed you so much! Kawashima-sensei said you were feeling quite sick. Is that right?"

"Ah, yeah, I was out with a bad case of flu, but I'm all cured," he reassured them. When they finally ran inside the building, he started walking inside, too.

Some of his classes he spent answering questions about his whereabouts in the past few weeks. He kept that conversation as short as possible, and soon enough, everything felt like they were all back to normal. At the end of the day, just as the sun had finished painting the sky lilac with a touch of deep blue and black, Kisa pulled out his phone on his way out to text Yukina again.

How have things been? I'd like to finally catch up. And apologise for being MIA for so long.

He'd only gotten a reply when he got home. He was kicking his shoes off when his phone buzzed once, then twice, and then three and four times.

"Damn," he whispered to himself as he looked at the screen.

I'm so glad you feel that way!

But please don't push yourself too hard.

And most importantly, you don't need to apologise at all!

We can meet up whenever you feel like it. I'd also like to catch up.

Please rest and eat well, Kisa-san.

For a twenty-one year-old, Yukina was far more mature than anyone Kisa had met with the same age. He didn't think twenty-one-year-old people weren't mature, but Yukina… he was different. He told Yukina over text that he could come over when he had some free time. Yukina immediately replied saying he would be there tomorrow around seven in the evening.

With a sigh, Kisa made dinner, took a shower, and went to sleep.

The next day was eventful at work. Someone in PE had broken their leg and was taken to the hospital in third period. Then one of Kisa's students had to run to the bathroom sick, and as it turns out, he wasn't the only person feeling that sick – it looked like, that by fifth period, it was becoming a pandemic.

"What in the name of a zombie horror film is going on?" Kawashima sighed.

"Don't say such awful things!" Kisa scolded her and also sighed. "I just got back from sick leave, I hope I'm not catching anything."

"It's probably just the flu going around between the kids," Kawashima said in a reassuring tone, "but be careful, just in case."

Kisa was exhausted by the time he got home. He had no idea what he wanted to eat, and he also wanted to wait for Yukina to come around. He wanted to eat together, but he also didn't want to have Yukina over without any proper food cooked.

There was three knocks on the door almost exactly at seven, and Yukina's bright, sparkly face lit up the room as Kisa opened the door.

"Kisa-san! Good evening! I wasn't sure if you've eaten yet or not, but I was craving thai food, so I picked up some take-out on my way here. I hope that's okay."

Kisa nodded as he let Yukina in.

"Ah, yeah, that's more than alright. I was just thinking about what I want anyway."

Everything went eerily silent as Yukina put the food on the kitchen counter, and that silence was soon broken by him rummaging through the white plastic bag and pulling out food containers. Kisa suddenly had not the slightest idea how to start the conversation that they both knew had to happen. The conversation about how they were going to move on… more so he than Yukina. The pain was still fresh, the memory of seeing the grave was still in front of him most of the times he closed his eyes. But he also knew he didn't want to get stuck in this pain. Yoshida would want him to be happy. And he was happy by Yukina's side.

"So, uh, how has things been?" Kisa asked to spark at least a little small talk. The silence was driving him mad.

"Good, I think. I passed my exams, by the way!"

"Goodness! I'm so sorry, Yukina, I completely forgot…"

"No, no, don't worry about it! You had things to deal with and…"

They both smiles, but Kisa's smile was sad. He had to deal with too much pain, yes, but that meant he had missed his boyfriend's exam results.

"Is the ceremony on the 24th of March?" Kisa asked as he rubbed his forehead.

"Ah, yeah."

"I'll make sure to be there. And I'm so proud of you for passing your exams."

Yukina's smile was so bright it practically lit up the room. Then he handed Kisa a plate. Before taking the plate, Kisa ran into the bedroom to change out of his work clothes into something more comfortable. They then sat at the table, once again, silently. After a few bites, however, Yukina started a conversation.

"How have you been, Kisa-san?"

Kisa sighed. Let's get this over with.

"Better," he began slowly, looking up at Yukina. "I… have managed to get myself together."

"I'm so happy to hear that!"

"But I also wanted to… talk this out with you," Kisa admitted with a long sigh, his heart hammering against his chest as if it was a prisoner trying so desperately to break out. "I was sad when I've learned about Yoshida. I was devastated when I've read his diary entries. There was a point or two where I wished Kawashima has never recognised me or that Yoshida's mother has never given me that damn notebook."

"Oh…"

"But now I'm… partially glad that I've read it. I'm not happy that this is the reason he broke up with me, I wish he was just a jerk… a jerk that is alive, you know. But I also understand why he did it. And it will be a tiny bit easier to deal with the past now." He stopped for a second, a smile forming on his face, a smile that wasn't sad anymore. "I was so scared when you and I started dating. Thinking that you will be just another jerk who decides to dump me for no reason like Yoshida did. And while I did cope with that thought, I couldn't fully let it go, you see? Even after Takano tried to help me."

"I see what you mean, yes," Yukina nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact with Kisa.

"Now that I know I wasn't dumped for no reason, I… I can… I can trust again. It's not that I didn't trust you, Yukina. But there was always this nagging feeling of 'what if…'. I just wish I could have told Yoshida that it was all going to be alright. I wish I could've been there." He gulped as tears began forming in his eyes. "That probably makes me sound like I'm still in love with him, or that I'm in love with him again…"

"A bit, but I also understand you, Kisa-san," Yukina quickly reassured him, placing a hand on Kisa's hand.

Kisa chuckled.

"I'm not, though. That love has died long ago. I am grieving, yes, I still catch myself thinking how I would've felt if I've known from the beginning. But he's just a person from my past whom I used to love. I don't want to forget him completely, but I want to be able to fully move on because…"

He chuckled again, and as he looked at Yukina, he could tell by the smile on his face that he knew what he was getting at. But he didn't interrupt Kisa, and Kisa was grateful.

"For, you see, the person I love now is you. The person I wanna spend the rest of my life now is you, Yukina. You…" Kisa interlinked their fingers on the table. "You fulfil me in every way. You make me feel happier than I have been in so long. That's all. I think. I love you, Yukina. And I hope our relationship lasts."

For a long few seconds, all Yukina was doing was staring at Kisa, his eyes wide open, his cheeks rosy.

"Kisa-san…" he then said, his voice so quiet and so full of love. "I feel the same. I love you, and I want to spend my life with you. Spend every waking moment by your side."

It was Kisa's turn to blush, his heartbeat rapid once again, his chest filled with warm happiness.

"And also…"

"Yes?"

Kisa pushed his plate to the side slowly, tightening his grip on Yukina's hand a little, careful not to hurt him. He stared at his own lap first before he lifted his head.

"Let's go to the bedroom…"

By Yukina's smile Kisa knew that they were on the same page. Yukina pulled him into the room so eagerly that Kisa had to almost run after him. Behind the closed bedroom door, they finally kissed, something they hadn't done in so long, and Yukina's kiss felt like heaven, the softest, sweetest heaven against Kisa's lips. He clung onto them, moaning into the kiss, and Yukina slowly pulled him into the bed, letting Kisa sit on top of him.

"Kisa-san, I have to admit," he said with a raspy voice, "that I wanted you so bad this past few weeks."

"Yeah?" Kisa whispered, helping Yukina out of his shirt with one hand, the other grabbed his hardening manhood through his jeans. Yukina groaned softly. "How badly did you want me? And what have you done about it?"

Yukina grabbed Kisa by his waist, his hands slowly creeping under his shirt, and in a second, his shirt landed on the floor.

"I had to take care of it myself," Yukina admitted without an ounce of shame, and Kisa, for a second, imagined him masturbating in his room, with his hands on his penis, and he would think of Kisa and the sex they had had together. Kisa would've lied if he'd said he didn't find that hot.

"Let me go clean myself, and then we can…"

Yukina only nodded as Kisa hurried into the bathroom to wash up before sex, so eager that by the time he finished his excitement would show. Yukina's was also visible in the dimly lit room.

No more words were necessary from there on. Kisa sat on Yukina's lap again, helping him out of his clothes, and letting him gently and slowly penetrate him. Kisa moaned, a bit in pain, but mostly because it felt so, so good.

Yukina drew a deep breath as he let Kisa move his hips on top of him in a slow rhythm just to get used to him. He gently began stroking Kisa's penis, and Kisa had to hold his voice back to keep the noise to a minimum.

"I might… I might need you… on top," he said after just minutes, his body shaking a little with desire.

"Of course," Yukina whispered back and helped Kisa lie down on his back.

Then Kisa wrapped his arms around Yukina's shoulders, his lips almost touching his ears as he said:

"Now go as hard as you can, Yukina."

Yukina began moving his hips slowly.

"But… that'll hurt you. Will it not?"

Kisa looked at him pleadingly, maybe more pleadingly than he had meant to.

"Please."

And so Yukina complied. He thrust faster and harder until Kisa found it to be a challenge to hold himself back from moaning far too loud. He had to put a hand on his own mouth, but it didn't help as much as he thought it would. Pain and pleasure brought him to tears.

He knew that rough sex like this would hurt and he usually didn't like it this way. Fast, sure, hard and rough, not so much. But right now he wanted to get back into reality as fast as he could, he wanted to feel wanted and loved by the person he currently loved, he wanted to snap out of the grief. And he knew that wasn't how it worked, you can't just stop grieving overnight. He still wanted to at least try.

He cried afterwards, sobbing hard, his tears wetting the pillow underneath him, and Yukina held him like he was the most precious treasure known to the world. Kisa appreciated him not asking any questions as to why he was crying and just let him sob away. He probably knew the answer to the why anyway.

He woke up in the morning, naked, and realised he had cried himself to sleep. He sat up slowly, the room was filled with the smell of freshly brewed coffee, cooked vegetables, and meat. He put some clothes on and left the room. There was a cup of steaming coffee and breakfast on the table with a piece of paper next to the bowls. Kisa grabbed it.

Good morning! I have an early errand so I gotta go, but I cooked some breakfast for you real quick.

Please enjoy the food and have a good shift at work.

- Yukina

Kisa sighed. Yukina certainly didn't have to go out of his way to do all this for him. But the breakfast was delicious like it always was, and it was better than what Kisa had been cooking for himself for the past few weeks. He did not consider himself a bad cook, but Yukina was outstanding when it came to that.

He drank his coffee, put on his work clothes, and left the house. On his way down the stairs just next to his apartment, though, he turned around and hurried back inside. A thought came over him.

"Seriously, the future of that thing is up to you."

He hid the diary behind a stack of books on his shelf so he didn't have to see it, just until he decided what to do with it. Kawashima had said that the future of it is up to Kisa, but… Kisa didn't feel it was right for him to decide what happens with it.

He held the notebook in his hands once more, with the very last page open, reading Yoshida's name over and over again. With a tightening chest, he sighed and closed it, and he decided what the fate of this diary would be.

"Goodbye, Yoshida Ryou," he muttered to himself as he put the diary in his bag and left the apartment once more.