Disclaimer: I had just pulled an eleven hour day and I was suffering from lack of sleep when I came up with this idea and I just think that you should take that into account.

Arrangements

Harry sat stone faced between his two order assigned guards as the Goblin organised his paperwork, "everything seems to be in order Mr. Potter."

"Thank you," Harry nodded. "Why did you ask me to come here?"

"I called you here to resolve the matter of your godfather's will," the Goblin sighed. "And after that we have some unfinished business in regards to your birthday."

"Alright," Harry nodded. "Let's get this over with."

"I will now read from the will of Sirius Black," the Goblin cleared his throat. "I Sirius Black not being of sound mind or body, since if you're hearing this then I've kicked the bucket, I have ceased to be. Want you living people to distribute the following things according to the following people. Remus, you get a house and a quarter of the Black fortune. That comes to about a thousand Galleons and some change at last count. Tonks, you get half of what's left and the Black library which I advise you to read through. Harry, you get the remainder of the Galleons and a choice."

"What choice?" Harry fought to keep his voice from cracking.

"Are you sure that you want to keep your friends in the room while you hear this?" The goblin asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes," Harry nodded. "I'm sure."

"Then I'll continue," the Goblin found his place and began to read. "By now, I'm sure that Dumbledore has told you, the old man promised that there would be no more secrets after my death and so you know. Harry, I give you the choice between an envelope containing a Saudi Passport and a portkey to Bangkok and my old school trunk that I've spent months filling with the items that I think will keep you alive. If you take the envelope then I'm sure you'll escape and have a happy life and if you take the trunk then I'm afraid that we'll soon meet again. Whatever you choose, know that I am proud of you."

"I'll take the trunk," Harry didn't even hesitate. "I won't run away."

"Yes sir," the Goblin waved his hand causing a battered school trunk to appear on the floor. "Would you like some time to look through the contents before we get on to the remainder of our business?"

"Yes," Harry nodded. "I would."

Harry took several slow steps towards the trunk, and peered inside for several seconds before collapsing in laughter.

"What is it Harry?" Tonks asked in concern.

"A prankster to the end," Harry managed to control his laughter. "Sirius filled this box with several lewd how to manuals, including The Wizard's Kama Sutra, Potions to make you Potent, So you've married a Kinky Girl that can change her appearance, and How to Manage a Group marriage. Along with that there are several potions, five gallons of lubricant and for some strange reason several dozen feather dusters."

"Oh," Tonks giggled. "I guess he wanted to do something to cheer you up from beyond the grave."

"Yeah," the rapidly paling Remus agreed. "Heh, heh, what a kidder. Well, I think it's time we be going."

"We still have to deal with a bit of paperwork in regards to Mr. Potter's birthday." The goblin reminded them,

"Oh," Remus started to relax. "Paperwork, for a moment there I was afraid that it was about . . . nothing important, never mind."

"Good," the Goblin nodded. "Then I shall procede."

"You do that," Remus agreed.

"I shall," the Goblin nodded again.

"You do . . ."

"Can we just get on with this," Harry interrupted.

"Yes, well." The Goblin cleared his throat, "we just need to know if you've set a wedding date or dates so we can inform the Ministry that things have been settled."

"What?"

"We just need to know if you've decided on a date or dates for your wedding or weddings," the Goblin repeated himself. "The Ministry dislikes it when you forget to inform them, and if you haven't decided on a date or dates then you really must. Forgive me for saying so, but procrastination is not an admirable trait and you really must set a date or dates soon."

"What wedding?" Harry shouted, "I'm not engaged."

"Yes you are Mr. Potter," the Goblin held up a sheet of paper. "In fact, I have here a list of your fiancees."

"List, fiancees?" Harry repeated dumbly.

"Yes, a rather long one too." The Goblin agreed, "I take it you weren't told then?"

"Sit down Remus," Harry said in an overly calm voice. "I really need someone to tell me what's going on and you can't do that if you manage to escape."

The werewolf's shoulders dropped as he walked away from the exit and back to his chair.

"May I see the list?" Harry asked the Goblin.

"Of course." The Goblin handed over the list, a bit intimidated by the look in his client's eye.

"Tonks?" Harry glanced over at the Auror, "why am I engaged to Tonks?"

"I believe it's to settle the matter of the Black family succession sir," the Goblin replied. "As the only unmarried female in the extended Black family she is the natural choice, unless of course you'd prefer us to get Draco Malfoy?"

"Malfoy isn't a female," Harry paused for a moment in shock as an idea came to the forefront of his mind. "Is he?"

"I don't believe so sir," the Goblin gave a toothy smile. "But you'll find that Goblin magic won't have a problem surmounting such a minor difficulty."

"Tonks is fine," Harry said quickly. "I don't want to even think about Malfoy that way."

"If you wish sir," the Goblin shrugged.

"What?" Harry stared in shock at the next name on the list, "I'm engaged to Hermione? How in the hell did that happen, her family's not even magic?"

"Well," Remus gave a weak grin. "Your father wanted to celebrate after you were born, and I'm afraid that he escaped some time after the four of us got kicked out of our fifth bar . . ."

"And?" Harry's voice was beginning to get shrill.

"We eventually found him drinking with a dentist in a muggle bar." Remus explained, "It all started when . . ."

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world," James slurred drunkenly. "Ma wife just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy."

"Congradu . . . con . . . good on you," his drinking companion replied. "Ma wife 's gonna do da same thing soon."

"Great," James smiled. "If you have a girl, let's engage 'em."

"I don't think my wife would approve," the other man protested as he started to become dangerously sober.

"I'll buy the next round," James offered.

"Well . . . ok, what the hell." The man nodded enthusiastically, "not like she'll ever find out anyway."

"That's the spirit." James agreed, keeping your wife in the dark about her daughter's marriage would be a great prank.

"And that's what happened," Remus finished.

"That's, I mean, I." Harry's eye caught the next name on the list, "The HolyHead Harpys? HOW IN THE HELL AM I ENGAGED TO A QUIDDICH TEAM?"

"An all female quiddich team," Remus added helpfully.

"ReeeeMussss," Harry was starting to turn purple.

"Well," Remus chuckled nervously. "It's a funny story, you see your father's team was playing the Harpys and Sirius got into an argument with their team captain and bet them that if they lost to James's team then the entire team would be engaged to you."

It was at that point that Harry started foaming at the mouth.

AN: A short fic making fun of all those fics where Harry finds out that he is arranged to marry on or more girls. Some of them are great reads and some of them aren't and this is my take on the idea.

The basic Idea is that Harry is engaged to marry half the witches in Hogwarts, James got drunk and arranged several marriages, Sirius did the same, Remus has to have done a couple, Peter also, and maybe Dumbledore. And I wouldn't be surprised to see that a Fudge sponsored contest that nets a few more girls or maybe he sold engagements to raise campaign funds.