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Arrangements 02
James 'Genma' Potter
"Ok," Harry managed to calm a bit. "So I'm engaged to marry forty five girls, it's not so bad. There must be some way I can get out of this."
"Not counting the Harpies, and a few similar groups." Remus supplied helpfully.
"RIGHT," Harry ground his teeth and turned to the Goblin. "WELL?"
"Of course there is sir," the Goblin chuckled. "You don't think that these things are irreversible do you?"
"What do I have to do?" Harry shot out of his seat. "Do I have to kill the dark lord? Say the word and you'll need a mop to clean him up."
Far away, Tom Riddle shivered in fear.
"Nothing so dramatic sir," the Goblin shrugged. "All you have to do is declare that you no longer wish to carry out the wedding before the point of no return deadline."
"Great," Harry allowed himself to relax. "When is the deadline?"
"It was when you said the word great sir," the goblin shrugged. "I'm afraid that now you'll have to submit a large amount of paperwork to the ministry before the passing of the next deadline."
"And with my luck, that will have been when I said the word 'and' or something." Harry joked.
"Catching on quick aren't you sir," the Goblin nodded. "For your information, the deadline passed when you said the word something. Pity you didn't ask for an extension, ah well. I hope you enjoy your marriage Mr. Potter."
"Is it too late to take the other option?" Harry asked with a hopeful look on his face, "I hear that Bangkok is nice this time of year."
"I'm afraid that option disappeared after you said the word 'too,'" the Goblin shrugged. "It's a shame that you didn't ask sooner."
"Yes," a vein on Harry's forehead started to pulsate. "Shame."
"Do you want me to notify the girls of their impending marriage sir?" The Goblin was enjoying this far more than he should.
"No," Harry shook his head. "I'd rather not inform them of anything, after all what they don't know can't hurt me."
"Then I apologize sir," the Goblin frowned. "Most of the girls have already been notified of their engagement to you."
"Then why did you ask me if I wanted you to notify the girls?" Harry's facial twitch was getting worse.
"Idle curiosity on my part," the goblin smiled. "Now if you'll excuse me, I really must be going."
"And I have things to do for the Order," Remus stood. "Have a good . . ."
"Sit down Remus," Harry gave a rather frightening smile. "And tell me if there are any more surprises that I should know about."
"The whole arranged marriage thing is the only one I can think of at the moment," Remus tapped his foot. "And the fact that you have to." The werewolf began coughing, "other than that I can't think of anything."
"What was that?"
"What was what?" Remus gave a nervous smile.
"You coughed," Harry's eyes narrowed. "You were about to reveal some other terrible thing about my life and you started coughing."
"Really?" Remus smiled, "I'm sure that I'd remember doing something like that."
"Yes really," Harry clinched his teeth.
"Well . . ."
"Wotcher Harry," Tonks walked into the room.
"I think I'd better leave you alone with your new betrothed." Remus leapt to his feet and sprinted out of the room.
"What do you want Tonks," Harry asked as he added Remus's name to the revenge list.
"Well," Tonks smiled nervously. "We're supposed to get married and I thought I should talk to you about that."
"I'm supposed to marry you and about a hundred other girls," Harry handed over the list. "Take a look."
"Wow," Tonks shook her head. "Did Remus tell you about the family curse?"
"Family curse?" Harry braced himself for the worst. "What family curse."
"You'll turn into a girl on your seventeenth birthday," Tonks replied. "It's a hereditary thing."
"I see," Harry nodded his head. "Is there anything else I should know?"
"One thing Mr. Potter," the Goblin spoke out as he reentered the room. "We've been searching through our records and we've discovered that your mother engaged you to several men, don't worry it's only twenty four. Apparently there weren't that many wizards that were good enough to be her daughter's husbands."
"I . . . see," Harry's eyes rolled up into his head and he passed out.
"Thanks," Tonks grinned. "I really appreciate the way you helped me get him back like this."
"No problem," the Goblin smiled. "It's all part of the service for our wealthy customers."
"I won't forget it," Tonks smiled. "If I have to be in a group marriage, I want to have as much fun with the concept as possible."
"Can I be the one to tell him that it's all a joke?" The Goblin looked down at the . . . resting Potter with a hopeful grin.
"No," Tonks shook her head.
"Then can I tell him that he has to marry several more women if he wants to escape having to marry all those men?" The Goblin tried to do the puppy eyes.
"Well . . . ok," Tonks nodded. "But you had better give me copies of the pictures of his expression when you do."
"Can I actually engage him to several more women and tell him that it's all a joke just after it's too late to do anything about it?" The Goblin looked like he was about to get on his knees and beg.
"Sure," Tonks nodded she never knew that goblins could be so sadistic. "The more the merrier."
"Thank you," the Goblin cackled. "I'll just go select some new brides for Mr. Potter her."
"Have fun," Tonks cradled her future husband's head in her lap. "Before I forget, what's your name anyway?"
"Rorch," the Goblin grinned sadistically. "They don't normally let me out since the . . . incident, but we were short handed today."
"Ok," Tonks shrugged. "Have fun betrothing my betrothed."
"I will," Rorch assured her then he walked out the door mumbling to himself. "Hmmmm, who should I engage him to . . . maybe a pack of Veela, or a bunch of vampires, or . . . maybe . . ."
IIIIIIIIII
"WORMTAIL," Voldemort bellowed.
"You called my Lord?"
"I've just learned that Potter is engaged to several women," the Dark Lord pouted. "And all I have is Bella."
"Yes my Lord," Wormtail nodded.
"So Ah's wants you to get me some hot chicks yo," Voldemort replied.
"Um . . . what?"
"Isn't that the way kids talk these days?" Voldemort asked, "I need to be cool if I'm going to get a few good looking dark consorts."
"I suppose so my Lord," Wormtail shrugged.
"I'm thinking of changing my name to Funk Master V to keep with the times," Voldemort added.
"Um . . . right," Wormtail knew he should have kept living as a rat somewhere.
"Do you think a personal add would help?" Voldemort asked hopefully.
"A . . . personal add master?"
"I was thinking of something along the lines of," Voldemort cleared his throat. "Dark Lord looking for love, turn on's include casting crucio and long walks on the beach. Turn off's are plucky young heroes that always seem to win in the end."
"That sounds . . . great master," it was going to be one of those days.
"Now about those hot dark consorts?"
"I'll get right on it." Wormtail siezed his chance to leave.
"Wormtail wait," the Dark Lord called out. "I almost forgot . . . CRUCIO."
Peter screamed in agony as the curse caused him unimaginable pain . . . it was starting to look like it was time to update his resume to send out to prospective employers.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry was nervous, he was about to meet Hermione and Luna for the first time since learning about his mass engagements and he didn't know how he was going to react to them. His nervousness soon turned to shock as he caught an eyeful of what was happening.
"Listen here," Hermione glanced at her book. "Bitch, I'm the top girl here understand?"
"I think it'd be better if you twisted my robes more and pushed me down," Luna smiled. "That why I'd be forced to look up at you."
"You're supposed to be intimidated," Hermione frowned. "Not giving me pointers on how to do this."
"Oh," Luna blinked sorry. "Could I borrow your book, I've forgotten my line."
"You don't have a line," Hermione glanced back at her book. "It says here that you'll nod fearfully after I menace you enough."
"Are you sure I don't get a line?" Luna frowned. "It doesn't seem fair that you get all the lines and I don't, how do you expect me to get any camera time if I don't get any good lines?"
"I give up," Hermione let the younger girl go. "Maybe I'm not cut out to be the ruthless enforcer type, maybe I can be the slutty massage girl."
"Damn," Luna frowned. "I wanted to be the slutty massage girl."
"Ok, you can be the slutty massage girl." Hermione nodded, "I'll be the . . ."
Harry tip toed out of the room at that point, he wanted to get out of there before either of the girls noticed him.
AN: So I wrote myself into the fic, Clive Cussler does it all the time.
OMAKE 01: Why did I write myself into this fic . . . the answer may surprise you.
Rorscharch's Blot, international man of mystery and jet setting millionaire playboy had just jumped out of a burning airplane without a parachute after saving the world from the evil mole people for the fifth time when he was suddenly struck by a barrage of lightning.
"Damn," Rorsch muttered as things went dark. "Looks like I finally decided to write one of those terrible Self Insertion fics."
A traditional SI fic as a Sadistically Insane goblin
"Damn," Rorsch looked down at himself. "This was definitely going to cramp my social life." Mentally crossing sleep with everything female off his list of normal Self Insertion character activities, Rorsch began to make his plans.
The first thing he did was go down the list of things needed to write a Self Insertion: Referring to self in the third person , check. Massive Ego, check . . . make that double check.
OMAKE 02 - What if Harry really was an incurably criminal boy?
"Fire," Harry screamed in joy as he watched the Dursley house burn. "Ahahahahahahaha."
Harry's Hogwarts letter came as it did in the past time line . . . sort of. This one was addressed, room 3c secure ward, St. Bad Brain's Hospital for the Dangerously Criminally Insane: Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
At the Sorting . . .
"GET ME OFF HIM," the Hat screamed in fear. "Oh god why would you allow something like him to exist?"
"I heard the Hat say Gryffindor," Dumbledore looked around. "Did anybody else hear the hat say Gryffindor."
And the first day of charms class . . .
"There are charms that make fire?" Harry ran to the front of the class and clapped like a child . . . a criminally insane child. "Teach me, teach me, teach me."
Getting the Philosopher's stone . . .
"BURN PLANT BURN," Harry cried out joyfully as he tested out his new spells. "Bwahahaha."
The first confrontation with Voldemort . . .
"I can burn people to death with my hands?" Harry's face lit up with joy, "dreams do come true."
And the meeting with Dumbledore . . . .
"What are you doing Harry?" The Headmaster looked at the boy that kept slapping his arm.
"Why did I have to get something I always wanted and then have it ripped away?" Harry looked at his hand in profound disappointment and then picked up his wand. "Ah well, burn you old man burn."
The End . . .