Disclaimer: I don't have delusions of godhood, I am a god bwahahahahaha.

Makes the Medicine go Down

"Having another bet are we?" Everyone turned away from the well to look at the speaker.

"What're you doing here?" One of the gods growled.

"Yeah," another agreed. "How did you escape."

"That's not important." The speaker was an ugly looking goblin with ink stains on his arms, "what is important is that I have come to place a bet."

"Let him throw his stone," the Black cat called out.

"Fine," one of the gods spat. "But on your head be it."

"Not going to be giving up my stones," the Goblin cackled. "I like them where they are."

"Then what are you going to use?" One of the goddess asked.

"This," the Goblin said reaching into his pocket to pull out a a bottle of ink.

"You can't . . ." Bill the god of . . . stuff called out. But it was too late, the gods watched in horror as the goblin pored the ink into the well. "You idiot, it'll take hours to clean that up."

"Just watch," Rorschach the goblin god of embezzlement, criminal insanity, and bad self insertions ordered.

The gods watched in shock as the time line twisted to show a young Harry Potter being raised by the magic world's most infamous nanny and all eyes turned to stare at the odd looking goblin as the scene faded.

"Well?" Tyche demanded.

"Well what?" The Goblin scowled.

"What happens next?" Nemisis growled, "it's not a proper entry unless it shows him going back to Hogwarts. Or at the very least meeting up with the Hogwarts crew."

"Oh," the Goblin nodded. "Look into the well."

Harry and his mum stood on the platform waiting for the train to arrive.

"I still don't understand why I must go to this school," Harry complained. "I'm sure that I'd learn much more if I stayed with you."

"It'll be good for you to spend time with children your own age," Mary replied. "And don't slouch."

"Yes mum," Harry agreed.

"And don't take any guff from that Headmaster," Mary added. "If he gives you any trouble then don't hesitate to remind him who your mum is, he's not too old for me to discipline if it comes down to it."

"I'll remember that mum," Harry said solemnly. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too Harry," Marry said fondly. "But we still have a bit of time before the train gets here, I've brought a bag of crumbs if you'd like to feed the birds with me."

"Ok mum," Harry agreed. Harry and his mother fed the birds until the train arrived and before putting him on the train, Marry gave her son one last inspection.

"Don't forget to clean behind your ears," Mary commanded. "And have fun son." With that, Mary gave her son one last kiss on the forehead before sending him off to school.

IIIIIIIIII

McGonagall froze when she read the next name on her list, "Harry . . . Poppins?"

"Here ma'am," Harry called out. McGonagall turned to look down at the oddly serious little boy, in his left hand was a carpet bag with an umbrella strapped to the top of it.

"You're sure it's Poppins?" McGonagall was taken by how much the boy looked like James.

"Yes ma'am," Harry agreed. "Should I go up to the hat then?"

"Yes go along then," McGonagall instructed. Harry placed the hat on his head and the hall froze, all waiting to hear the verdict. This was no run of the mill first year, changing his family name to Poppins fooled no one.

"You're her son?" The hat said in shock, "then what are you doing here? Slytherin would make you great, Hufflepuff would give you friends, Ravenclaw would help you learn, and Gryffindor would have reflected your nobility."

"It makes no difference to me . . . sir?" Harry finished uncertainly.

"Polite one aren't you," the hat mused. "Then it had better be . . ."

"So what happens next?" Nemisis demanded. "And why did you stop it?"

"Harry spends most of his time hopping into paintings," the Goblin said. "He learns quite a bit of magic in a relatively short time and every thing is happy."

"What about when Voldemort goes after the stone?" One of the gods asked, "

"Harry calls his mum for help when Voldemort goes after the Philosopher's Stone," the Goblin replied. "Mary shows up and tells the dark lord to stop all that nonsense."

"And?" The angry goddess demanded.

"How should I know," the Goblin shrugged. "What am I a god?"

"Yes you are," the goddess growled.

"Oh yeah," the Goblin nodded. "I forgot . . . hey look, something else is happening in the well."

"Why are we in America?" Dudley whined.

"I told you hon," Petunia replied. "It's to visit your cousin Eric."

"I don't wanna visit my cousin Eric," Dudley screamed. "I wana go home."

"Boy knows what he wants," Vernon said in approval.

"Then why did we have to bring him along?" Dudley pointed an accusing finger at Harry.

"Mrs. Figg is having surgery," Petunia replied. "I'm sorry he had to come and ruin it dear."

The image froze before anything more could happen and several angry gods glared at the goblin.

"What did you just do?" One of the larger gods asked through clenched teeth.

"Why do you ask?" The Goblin replied nervously.

"There is only one fat little bastard in the multi-verse named Eric that is as whiny as Dudley," the God explained. "And if you crossed this with South Park then so help me . . . "

"Why don't we just stop here then," the Goblin suggested. "And forget anything ever happened."

"Fine," the god agreed.

"Why don't you tell us what happened?" Tyche asked.

"Ok," the goblin said quickly. "The Dursleys find a way to leave Harry behind in America, he spends a lot of time with his friends Stan and Kyle making fun of his fat cousin. Let's just say that it's a very different Harry Potter that arrives at Hogwarts."

The scene shifted to show Harry standing in the great glaring up at the head table.

"I'm not going to join some fruity little house in this gay ass school," Harry yelled. "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"Looks like he picked up a few things from his cousin," Nemisis said with a grin. "I don't think I've ever seen that look on Dumbledore's face."

"So Harry goes home and Voldemort follows," the Goblin said with a grin. "Voldemort is intrigued by Kenny's immortality and uses him in a dark ritual."

"So Voldemort's spirit gets trapped in Kenny's body where he can't trouble anyone else again and they all live happily ever after," Nemisis concluded. "Were you drunk when you came up with this? Be happy I'm still happy about what you have planned for me and my friend lady luck or I'd have your head for this monstrosity."

"Try not to let any of my secrets slip," the Goblin said with a leer. "Would a couple Omakes sweeten your disposition?"

"They might," the goddess allowed.

"Would they now?" the goblin's leer deepened.

"Not that much," the goddess said in disgust. "And get on with it."

"Story of my life," the goblin said sadly. "So without further ado . . . "

Omake: Heir to a not so great wizard

Harry was sitting in his room at Privy Drive being spied on by the Order and angsting over the fact that his Godfather had just been killed. To sum things up he was being a whiny little bitch, possibly because some authors confuse whiny little bitch with dramatic hero . . . I'd rather not speculate further.

As I was saying, Harry was being a whiny little bitch when an owl burst through the window and gave him a letter or something.

Dear Mr. Potter,

Due to the death of your godfather you have been declared fit to handle your own finances. If you do not wish to have this responsibility then you can give it to Dumbledore so that he can have more control over your life. Dumbledore will probably give control over to Snape in an attempt to build greater understanding between the two of you. Snape will not be understanding because he is a rat bastard and will take the opportunity to loot your vaults and make your life hell . . . we wouldn't discount the fact that many people would use this idea for a story line as an excuse to write slash. If you do not want all this to happen, just say NOOOOO in a loud voice and this letter which is also a portkey will transport you to Gringotts.

Signed

Snapdragon

"NOOOOOOOOO," Harry screamed as his eyes drifted over the part where Snape got control over his life. The portkey activated and Harry never did get a chance to finish his letter.

"Welcome to Gringotts," said a random goblin. "Sirius Black gave everything to you and declared you to be his adopted son."

"I'd give it all up to have him back in my arms right now," Harry sighed.

"What kind of relationship did you two have?" The goblin asked with an odd look on his face.

"He was my godfather . . .why?" Harry asked.

"No reason," the goblin said with a nervous laugh. "Why don't you just use this blood quill to do a family tree so that we can see what you stand to inherit."

"Ok," Harry agreed.

"And if you'll take some unsolicited advise . . . stop trying to sound so dramatic, this isn't the time or place to ham it up."

"Fine," Harry said with a shrug. "What's this name?"

"Turns out you're the heir to a not so powerful wizard," the Goblin said. "And you stand to inherit his power."

"What power?" Harry perked up, maybe this could help him defeat Voldemort.

"Let's see . . .you get an affinity with Kneazles, they'll like you more then anything else in the world and do your bidding." The goblin squinted at another portion of the page. "And a blood feud with some little blue communist gnomes that can be turned into gold via an alchemical process."

"Blue communist gnomes?" Harry asked with an odd look on his face.

"Yes, blue communist gnomes." The goblin agreed, "your ancestor was instrumental in fighting them and we at Gringotts think he's a . . . well, I wouldn't say hero . . . um . . . we don't hate him?"

"Cool," Harry said. "What was this guy's name?"

"You Harry." The goblin paused for dramatic effect. "Are the heir to Gargamel, the greatest and only bane to the blue communist gnomes."

Omake: The lowest form of humor.

A badly beaten Albus Dumbledore stumbled into the hospital wing and called out to the school nurse.

"Headmaster?" Madame Pomfrey's eyes widened in shock. "What has happened to you?"

"I find myself in need of your able assistance," the Headmaster replied. "I was involved in a scuffle at my brother's place of business."

"How did this happen?" The nurse asked as she began applying healing charms, "who would do such a thing?"

"Well . . . I was watching the bar as a favor to my brother Aberforth when a bunch of dwarfs walked in," the Headmaster began."

"And?" Pomfrey prompted.

"And the sat at the bar and ordered a bottle of hiskey," Albus continued. "When I refused to serve them they got a bit . . . high spirited and what you see is the result."

"But why would you refuse to serve them?" Pomfrey asked in shock.

"It was because of the way they were dressed," Albus replied.

"The way they were dressed?" Pofrey said slowly, "how would that have anything to do with it?"

"I may not be a full time bartender," Dumbledore replied quickly. "But even I know that it's against the law to serve miners."

Omake: Working in Shifts

"Parvati," Harry called out. "Can I talk with you for a moment?"

"What do you want?" Parvati replied quickly.

"I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted at the Yule ball," Harry explained. "It was wrong of me to act that way and I should have paid more attention to you, especially since I was lucky enough to have such a pretty witch as my date."

"You think I'm pretty?" Parvati's tone warmed up, "I accept your apology with one condition."

"What?"

"You must give me some good dates to make up for the bad one." The girl said with a smile, "is that acceptable to you?"

"It is," Harry answered. "When do you want to have our first date?"

"Right now," Parvati replied. "We can go out walking on the castle grounds."

"Sure," Harry agreed.

The young couple spent the next hour walking around the castle grounds and eventually made their way back to the entrance hall.

"I had a great time Harry," Parvati said with a grin. "I shall look forward to our next date with great anticipation."

"Me too," Harry agreed quickly. "When do you want to meet?"

"How about the same time tomorrow?" Parvati suggested.

"Sure," Harry replied.

"See you then," Parvati said with a grin. Blushing, the girl gave Harry a quick kiss on the lips and then darted out of the room.

IIIIIIIIII

"How was it?" Padma greeted her sister as she entered the room.

"Much better than the ball," Parvati replied. "I think he could be a great boyfriend.

"Mind sharing?" Padma asked with a raised eyebrow. "The pickings are rather slim in this castle."

"That they are," Parvati agreed. "And I don't think it will be too arduous to share with you. We are sisters, and we share everything else."

"Thank you," Padma said with a grateful smile. "So tell me all the details."

IIIIIIIIII

Harry paced nervously as he waited for his date to arrive. A thousand thoughts raced through his mind, chief among them was his worry that she had changed her mind or chosen not to come to get him back for his earlier behavior.

"There you are," Padma called out. "I'm sorry I'm late but I wanted to look my best."

"That's ok," Harry replied with a relieved smile. "I'm just glad you could come."

"I wouldn't miss it," Padma said.

"There's something different about you Parvati," Harry mused.

"Why would you say that?" Padma replied nervously.

"I don't know, I just . . . you did something with your hair?" Harry asked with false confidence.

"I'm so glad you noticed," Padma said with a relieved smile. "You're such a good boyfriend."

AN: Yes, the Patil twins have decided to work Harry in shifts and no they haven't told him about the fact that they're sharing him. I was thinking about turning this into a story or a full sized chapter but I really don't feel the urge to start another project.

AN 02: Had to use something as filler and I figured a few omakes would be best, I had em' laying around and I figured that I might as well use them. I was shocked by the amount of people that didn't recognise the cross in the last chapter and the beginning of this one, 'Mary Poppins' I may be getting on in years but I'm not that old am I?