Disclaimer: Many of the things that Harry does in this fic are either a: Illegal, b: Immoral, or c: Both.
Life is Good
Albus was in a bind, on the one hand his presence was required at Hogwarts and on the other hand the fifteenth annual sock convention was taking place in Los Vegas. It was dangerous to leave Hogwarts unattended in this troubled time and he just couldn't miss the convention, he'd heard that they were going to be announcing something new and exciting. And so he was going to do what any reasonable man would do in this situation . . .
"What can I do for you Albus?" Aberforth asked with a grin.
"I was wondering if you could do me a favor," Albus replied. "Nothing too difficult."
. . . he was going to get his brother to assume his identity.
IIIIIIIIII
"You wanted to see me Headmaster?" Harry asked.
"Yes I did," the Headmaster agreed. "I've been rereading my journals and it has come to my attention that my bro . . . I mean, that I am a jerk. What kind of man locks a boy away with a group of magic hating muggles?"
"I'm sure you had your reasons sir," Harry said in shock. "I forgive you."
"And I'm just as sure that my reasons were bad," the Headmaster replied. "So I'm going to make it up to you."
"Thank you sir," Harry said with a smile. "I really appreciate it."
"Tell me Harry," the old man began. "Have you ever been to Amsterdam?"
IIIIIIIIII
Harry was in a state of shock when he stumbled back into the Gryffindor common room later that day. Ignoring the other students, he headed straight to his favorite seat in front of the fireplace and stared at the flames.
"Harry what did the Headmaster want?" Hermione called out as her friend walked into the room. "Why won't you answer me?"
"He said I needed to learn to have fun," said an extremely red Harry.
"And?" Hermione asked, she really didn't see what the big deal was.
"Then we zipped over to Amsterdam," Harry continued. "And he hired me a bunch of hookers . . . I didn't do anything so he pulled out the polyjuice."
"Polyjuice?" Hermione asked in a low dangerous voice.
"There were three of you, two Lunas, and . . . well . . . you get the idea." Harry replied.
"Way ta go mate," Ron said enthusiastically. "I can't . . ." Hermione's growl silenced Ron and made him rethink his plan of giving Harry a high five.
"What did you do?" Hermione growled.
"He said I can have a night off and then he expects me to meet him in the morning," Harry ignored his fuming friend. "He didn't say what we were going to do."
"I asked you a question," Hermione growled.
"Well," Ron said slowly. He had come to the conclusion that ignoring Hermione was the best course of action here. "Have fun mate."
"Harry," Hermione's voice was low and dangerous. "I asked what you did and you haven't answered me."
"Well," Harry said as he stood up. "I'm going to bed, night Ron, night Hermione."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry woke early the next morning to avoid meeting Hermione in the common room and snuck down stairs to meet with the Headmaster.
"Eager to get started?" The old man asked with a grin, "good."
"I guess," Harry said slowly. "What are we going to do today?"
"Harry my boy," Dumbledore said with a grin. "It's time you learned how to gamble."
"No sir," Harry replied.
"Then I think it's high time you learned then isn't it?"
IIIIIIIIII
The scene from the night before repeated itself as Harry wandered into the Gryffindor common room with a look of confusion on his face.
"What was it today mate?" Ron demanded.
"Monte Carlo," Harry replied. "The Headmaster wanted me to learn how to gamble."
"Well I hope you learned your lesson," Hermione said smugly.
"I did," Harry agreed. "If I ever need money, there's no easier way then to hit a casino."
"Exact . . . what?" Hermione asked in shock.
"It's so easy," Harry enthused. "A little simple math and the ability to read body language and you have half the games wrapped up, when you add in a bit of magic . . ."
"You cheated?" Hermione screamed.
"It's not cheating in the magical section," Harry explained. "It's part of the gamble, you automatically loose if they catch you and you automatically win if they don't. Security gets better as the pot increases."
"I don't think that's the way it works Harry," Hermione said gently.
"It is," Harry replied confidently. "Least that's what the head of security said when he offered me a job."
"Wicked," Ron said.
"Job?" Hermione asked dumbly.
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "Just as soon as I graduate."
And so it continued, Harry was finally having fun. The next day saw a trip to a distillery and a brewery on the next. Harry didn't want things to end, unfortunately they did.
"It's good to be back," Albus said as he entered the castle. "That sock convention was one of the best ones yet."
"Dobby thinks so too," the little house elf agreed.
"I wonder if anything happened while I was gone," Dumbledore mused. "Must have been quiet, Aberforth would have contacted me otherwise."
AN: Yeah I wrote this, bug woop wanna fight about it.
Omake: The Anti Senility Charm . . .
Harry had spent weeks in the library researching a way solve the majority of his problems and he thought he had it in the form of a charm. A charm so powerful that it was considered not somewhat powerful, not really powerful, not even really very powerful. For it was a charm that was considered really super very really very super ned powerful and stuff.
It took Harry two . . . let's say minutes to learn the charm and then he put his invisibility cloak on . . . then he came to the realisation that it would be useless in the culmination of his plan so he took it off . . . then he figured what the hell, I'll use it out of sentimental reasons so he put it back on. This sequence of events lasted for twelve hours and it was a very tired, one would even go so far as to say really very somewhat tired Harry Potter that wondered down to the great hall for breakfast.
"Hello Harry," Dumbledore called out when he noticed Harry's approach. "Some reason you've decided to wrap your invisibility cloak around your waist like a kilt?"
"Anti Senility," Harry cast his newest spell at the surprised Headmaster. The effects were immediate, Dumbledore fell to the ground clutching his head, Snape said that Harry was just like his fater, McGonagall took points for assaulting the Headmaster without a good reason, the Ministry said that Harry was an attention seeker, and the Prophet declared him the next dark lord . . . I think you get the picture.
After a few minutes of projectile vomiting, the Headmaster rose to his feet and appealed for calm.
"I appeal for calm," the Headmaster called out.
"Sure thing," everyone except Snape agreed (he was in the middle of a good rant and didn't want to stop for fear of loosing his train of thought)
"Did it work?" Harry asked eagerly.
"I'm afraid it did," Dumbledore agreed. "What was I thinking putting a young child in an abusive home without checking on him even once, any idiot could have figured out a way to keep all those death eaters out of Hogwarts . . . don't worry Harry, I'm going to go vanquish the dark lord and then I'm going to make this castle a safe and happy place to learn."
"Rock on," Harry screamed out. "Let's all have an orgy." And they did, and they all lived happily ever after . . . except Voldemort of course because he was vanquished.