Part II to Let's do the Time Warp Again

"James . . . wake up mate," Sirius shook his friend. "Are you alright?"

"Oh god what happened?" James looked around, "I had the worst dream."

"If it's that Harry learned THAT SPELL and used it on Wormtail then that was no dream." Sirius sighed, "on the plus side . . . it turned out that Peter was a death eater, healers found the mark when he went in because of . . . you know what."

"Oh," color began to return to James's cheeks. "So he's a death eater . . . Lily, he was going to hurt Lily and Harry protected her."

"Maybe," Sirius shrugged. "That's what Lily thinks, she's been going on about how her manly little boy protected his mummy . . . it's starting to scare me."

"Mate," James looked over to his best friend. "You're going to have to accept it some day . . . I did and my life is happier."

"That your wife is insane?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," James nodded. "But this ruins that unbreakable vow I made her swear to never use that spell on someone . . . it took months of planning to get her to promise that."

"And you were going to tell me this when?" Sirius's eyes flashed, "I've been living in fear for no reason."

"She told me not to say anything," James shrugged. "Threatened to make me sleep on the couch for a night if I told you."

"You let me live in fear for my life for months because you didn't want to sleep on the couch for one night?" Sirius was shocked that friendship seemed to mean so little.

"Yup," James nodded. "One, the couch is really uncomfortable. Two, well . . . I'm not going to tell you."

"You're not going to tell me?" Sirius's eyes narrowed.

"Sorry," James shrugged. "But there are some things that I'm not going to share about the joys I've found in married life."

"Oh," Sirius blinked. "Oh . . . so you . . . oh."

"Right," James nodded. "Now let's go get drunk."

"Sounds like a plan," Sirius nodded. "Or we could get blotto here and we won't run the risk of meeting a bunch of drag queens like last time."

"Poor Peter had to find out the hard way," James shook his head. "Ok, let's do it your way."

Three bottles of gin later . . . yes gin, they're Brits and Gin is a British alcohol, I added it for a bit of local flavor like those authors that . . . ah ta hell with it.

"I shink yer gonna havta fashe faks," Sirius slurred. "Yer shon's a derk lerd . . . no bloke 'll yush dat spill less he'sh a derk lerd . . . a reelly pwerfl derk lerd . . . voldsomething doeshent yuesh dat spell."

"I know," James nodded. "But he's still my son and I'm sure that if I raise him right he won't try to kill muggle born magic folk like every other dark lord in history . . . I don't think Lily would like it if he did that."

"A derk lerd thatsh hun hun killsh derk lerds?" Sirius perked up, "thash greet."

"Yeah," James nodded. "So can I have some gin now? I want to get blotto too."

"No," Sirius hugged the body. "Ish all mine I need it."

"Why?" James cast a quick sobriety charm on his friend, "What else happened while I was out?"

"Babies," Sirius shuddered. "Lots of babies."

"What?" James blinked.

"While you were out dozens of babies popped in with their parents . . . all of them girls,"

"Lily's been recruiting again?" James nodded, "I guess that makes sense."

"They came on their own," Sirius shuddered. "Some of the families were muggles . . . the kids used accidental magic to get in."

"Oh," James blinked.

"Some of them can talk and they told Lily that they're in Harry's Harem," Sirius shuddered. "She's happy but . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

"Not that I'm not glad to see you here Cissy," Lilly said with a smile. "But aren't you married? And . . . and didn't you have a son?"

"My husband died in a tragic accident," Narcissa explained. "And I always wanted a little girl so . . ."

"And I killed my husband and his brother," Bella added proudly. "In a tragic accident that I had nothing to do with," she added hastily upon seeing her sister's glare. "All so I could be with Harry and my widdle Orion."

"Orion?" Lilly asked.

"She's obsessed with getting that Longbottom boy to be the most ruthless dark lord in history . . . or to have him get an army of dark consorts to produce hundreds of grand children to play with."

"Well at least she has her head on right," Lilly said in approval. "I can't agree with the dark lord thing but hundreds of little grand babies is a goal any mother can get behind."

"Alice thinks so," Narcissa agreed. "And Frank just mopes around the house muttering about how why should his son get a harem if he can't, it's all quite pathetic."

"So is your new daughter going to be in my manly little man's harem?" Lilly asked with a happy grin.

"No," Narcissa replied. "I've already spoken to Molly and arranged a betrothal to her youngest son."

"How nice," Lilly clapped. "We'll all be one big happy family."

IIIIIIIIII

"Look," James began. "I understand your desire to get away from my house, I understand your desire to get blotto, and I understand the fact that you burst into tears whenever someone mentions THAT spell . . . to be Frank, I do to."

"Get to the point," Sirius ordered.

"Why the hell do we have to wear dresses?" James demanded, waving at his ankle length skirt.

"To make Harry think we're girls," Sirius explained. "That way he won't use THAT spell on us and we shall live out the rest of our days without loosing something very important to us."

"Ok," James agreed. "I'll buy that, just . . . just why did you feel the need to wear Lilly's favorite black cocktail dress?"

"Is it wrong for me to want to feel pretty once and a while?" Sirius whined.

"Yes," James said firmly. "Now I'll never be able to enjoy seeing Lilly in that thing ever again . . . not to mention what she'll do to you when she finds out."

"I've got to hide," Sirius screamed. "Azkaban, I'll be safe in Azkaban. Don't move buddy, this will only hurt for a little while."

"I'm not letting you crucio me," James growled.

"Just for a bit?" Sirius whined.

"No"

"Come on mate," Sirius begged. "I gave you my kidney didn't I?"

"One," James said holding up a finger. "You didn't give it to me, you slipped it onto my plate when I wasn't looking."

"And two?"

"You know I hate the taste of kidney," James replied. "You were just being a bastard."

"Damn it mate"

"Where's Remus," James asked, changing the subject. "Shouldn't he be here too?"

"Acceptable loss mate," Sirius said. "I asked him to babysit Harry so Lilly could spend some time with the girls . . . he shall be missed and his sacrifice will never be forgotten."

"So you're saying you sacrificed Remus so we could get a few hours of freedom while dressed in drag?" James wanted things to be clear.

"You got it mate," Sirius agreed.

"To Remus," James said, raising his glass. "He won't be forgotten till we've drunk at least half the bottle."

IIIIIIIIII

"And this is a cow," Remus read from the big book of farm animals. "Do you know what sound a cow makes?"

"Not really," Harry replied. "I grew up in an area that had a shortage of cows."

"Uh . . . I think you're supposed to say moo?" Remus said uncertainly. "I'm not too sure though, I haven't spent too much time around kids your age."

"Why don't we just play poker or something," Harry suggested.

"Would that be appropriate for a kid your age?" Remus questioned. "The book says up to age three."

"You could be the cool uncle that doesn't play by the rules," Harry said.

"I would but then Sirius wouldn't have anything to do," Remus replied.

"Uh . . ." Harry wasn't sure how to say this, "I think Sirius wants to be the creepy uncle that no one talks about."

"Why do you say that?"

"He's out with my father, they're both dressed like women, and they're both getting drunk." Harry explained.

"How do you know that?" Remus demanded.

"They're doing it in the back yard," Harry replied. "You can see them through the window behind you."

"Really?" Remus glanced over his shoulder. "So you can . . . Harry I want you to know that they weren't always like this."

"They were better at hiding it?" Harry ventured.

"And much more creative," Remus agreed. "To be frank, I think the only reason they're dressed in womens clothing is a reference to the title."

"And the title of the last one," Harry agreed. "Guy who wrote this is a rat bastard."

"So what do you wannna do now?"

"I was thinking of hiding in the bushes so I could ambush Voldemort when he walked up the sidewalk," Harry replied. "My day's open after that though."

"Voldemort?" Remus screamed.

"Yup," Harry agreed. "Wanna help?"

"To hell with it," Remus said suddenly. "I'm fed up with being responsible, if Sirius won't be the rebel uncle then I will."

"Yeah," Harry cheered.

IIIIIIIIII

"Damn it Janet, I love." Voldemort stopped singing when he got close to the house and switched to something a bit more evil. "Evil, I'm evil, I'm really really really really really evil."

"Get ready for it," Harry whispered. "Explosivo Castrado."

"Aahhh," Voldemort screamed. "Ahhhhhhhhhhh," Voldemort screamed some more."

"And that's the end of that chapter," Harry announced.

"You sure we should end it here?" Remus looked around.

"Kill me," Voldemort begged.

"It's just a figure of speech," Harry explained. "And a reference to a particular episode of a certain show."

"Really?"

"Could one of you stop talking long enough to put me to death?" Voldemort asked. "Please."

"Not right now," Harry replied. "Now as I was saying, it was an episode that had the characters watching a pilot for another show. That pilot had a character that said, 'that's the end of that chapter' as a catch phrase."

"If you say so," Remus agreed. "What now."

"KILL ME," Voldemort demanded.

"Fine," Remus agreed. "Reducto."

"Well," Harry began. "We could report this, I hear that there's a rather large reward for the death or capture of Voldemort."

"I guess," Remus agreed.

"Great," Harry enthused. "My guess is that Moody or someone will show up a few minutes late and we can report it then without having to call the Ministry."

"Harry," Remus said. "Life doesn't work like . . ."

"Thank god I got here in time," Moody arrived just in time to interrupt Remus.

"No but lazy writers do," Harry retorted.

"Looks like you two had things well in hand," Moody said with a look at Voldemort's body.

"Me and Remus defeated him," Harry agreed. "So we should split the reward."

"I only killed him because he begged for death," Remus protested.

"Right then," Moody agreed. "I'll just clean this up and have your money deposited."

"Cool," Harry said.

"And that's the end of that chapter," Remus offered.