Disclaimer: Absinthe is not something you should be drinking. It's not bad stuff but I've never been too fond of things that taste like licorice.
Cool Hand Harry
Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, Hagrid was getting Harry and all was right in the world.
"Mind if I speak with you for a minute Ed'master?" Hagrid asked with a grin.
"Hagrid?" Dumbledore asked in shock, "but . . . weren't you supposed to be getting Harry?"
"Fluffy got sick," Hagrid explained. "So I ad' to sit wif her all night, poor thing."
"Then who's getting Harry?" Dumbledore asked with growing dread.
"Sent ma cousin Bubba to get 'im," Hagrid replied. "E's got lots of time since 'e got outta that American prison."
"Oh god." Dumbledore's head fell to his desk, it was going to be one of those years.
IIIIIIIIII
Meanwhile, in a small shack on a small island in the English Channel . . . or North Sea depending on your preferences.
"Get out you freak," Vernon screamed.
"Shut up," Bubba said with quiet menace. "You Harry Potter?"
"Yes sir," Harry agreed.
"Polite boy," Bubba said with approval. "Have a doughnut."
"Thank you sir." Harry reached into the box that the large man had pulled from nothing and selected a doughnut.
"I WANNA DOUGHNUT TOO," Dudley whined.
"Shut up," Bubba said calmly. "Harry, you wait here with your cousin while I go into the next room to . . . talk with your relatives."
"Yes sir," Harry agreed.
"And if the little pig gives you any lip, stab him with a sharpened tooth brush."
"Yes sir," Harry agreed again.
"Come on fatty." Bubba grabbed Vernon by the throat. "I've got some pent up urges to take care of."
"Oh god no." Vernon started crying.
"Oh god yes," Petunia said with a grin. "Can I come too?"
"Sure thing," Bubba said with a smile.
The adults were gone for several hours before the door to the next room opened up again to admit Bubba and Petunia. Behind the two adults, the boys could see a naked Vernon curled up and crying in the next room.
"Good news Harry," Bubba said with a smile. "I'm going to be your new uncle."
"Yes sir," Harry agreed again.
"Just call me Uncle Bubba from now on," Bubba suggested. "Now let's all go get your school supplies."
"Ok Uncle Bubba," Harry agreed.
"When will I see you again?" Petunia cried out.
"When I get done shopping," Bubba replied. "We'll hook up at your place and have a bit of fun."
"What about fatty?" Petunia asked with a wave towards Vernon.
"What about him," Bubba shrugged. "Come on kid."
"Ok uncle," Harry agreed. The two of them walked outside and Harry was surprised to see his new uncle wave a wand to create a bridge across the water. "How'd you do that?"
"Magic," Bubba replied. "Fatty didn't tell you about it then?"
"No," Harry said quickly.
"Well you're a wizard and you can do magic and the whole wizarding thing is real," Bubba said with a yawn. "Any questions?"
"No uncle," Harry replied.
"Good, now let's go."
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore burst into the Dursley home, desperate to find Harry Potter before the boy had a chance to be corrupted by Hagrids crazy cousin. "No one here," Dumbledore mumbled to himself. "That means . . . I'm not too late, I've just got to wait until the family gets back from whatever they're doing and another crisis can be averted." It was a brilliant plan, too bad he late.
IIIIIIIIII
"So where are we going?" Harry asked his new uncle.
"Guy I know," Bubba replied. "We'll be able to get everything you could ever need from him at much lower prices then you'd find in the alley."
"The alley?"
"Shoudda said alleys," Bubba corrected himself. "Two of them cater to the wizarding society, they're overpriced and fulla morons. Much easier to know a guy."
"Right." Young Harry absorbed that bit of wisdom.
"May as well start you off learning magic too," Bubba mused. "Lot's of things you can do without a wand, most of them useful."
"Like what?" Harry asked.
"Well," Bubba began. "There's the usual stuff that most people think of and then there's the . . . well, I guess I'd say the kind that gets used when you don't have a wand."
"Ok," Harry said slowly.
"Don't understand do you?" Bubba asked with a smile. "Think of it this way, there are places in the world where they take your wand away. There are other places in the world where you can't use a wand. And finally, there are times when it's more convenient not to use a wand."
"I think I understand," Harry said slowly.
"Good boy." Bubba led the boy down a series of back streets to a nondescript door. "Open up," He called as he pounded on the door. "I haven't got all day."
"I'm coming," a voice on the other side replied. "Who is it?"
"Who do ya think?" Bubba replied with a smile.
"Bubba?" The voice said in delight as the door opened to reveal an old man. "Why . . . I haven't seen you in . . ."
"Close to ten years," Bubba said with a grin. "How are things going for your business?"
"Semi retired," the old man said with a shrug. "What do you need?"
"Everything the boy needs to go to Hogwarts," Bubba replied. "Plus whatever else you think might be useful."
"Got a set of twelve disposables sitting around," the old man mused. "Even Ollivander would have trouble telling them apart."
"Toss 'em in," Bubba agreed.
"What are disposables?" Harry asked.
"Wizards use wands to cast most magic," the old man explained. "The problem with that is that the wand records what spells have been cast. With these wands, you dispose of them after you use a spell that might get you into trouble."
"Oh . . . but why do they need to look the same?"
"So no one asks why you've got a new wand," Bubba said. "Got a few more tricks I can show you to deal with that."
"Wow," Harry said. His new uncle was better then his old one by an order of magnitude.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry stood on the platform saying farewell to his favorite relative.
"Just remember what I taught ye," Bubba said.
"Yes Uncle Bubba."
"Before you go, one more thing I want to tell you."
"What is it?"
"Well Harry," Uncle Bubba began. "School is just like prison, find the toughest bastard there and kick his ass first chance you get. Hear me?"
"I will sir," Harry agreed.
"Take care of yourself."
Harry took the train to school and was sorted into the same house he always was. It took him three days to find a back way into the Slytherin common room . . .
"How'd you get in here?" The Slytehin boy asked with an amused grin, "and how do you plan to get out?"
"Draco thinks he's the top dog in this house," Harry said calmly. "Is that true?"
"To some extent," the boy agreed. "Why do you ask."
"Watch," Harry commanded.
"Potter?" Draco said in shock as he walked into his common room.
"Shut up," Harry said with a grin and kicked Draco in the groin. Harry spent the next fifteen minutes methodically beating Draco just badly enough to cause an immense amount of pain without leaving any incriminating marks. It was one thing he knew how to do after living with Vernon Dursley for the first several years of his life.
"Very good," the first Slytherin said with a grin. "Now what incentive do I have to keep my mouth shut?"
"You're going to say that Harry Potter, the golden Griff, broke into your common room and assaulted another student while you stood by and watched?" Harry asked with a grin.
"Well . . . after you put it like that."
"Have a nice day," Harry called over his shoulder as he left the room.
"One more thing," the boy called out. "Why aren't you in this house?"
"Cause I'm not bloody stupid enough to advertise what I am," Harry replied as he walked away.
"Damn," the boy growled. "Wish I'd thought of that."
Harry was wondering around the halls a few days later when he heard a commotion coming from one of the girl's bathrooms.
"What's going on?" Harry asked as he entered.
"Troll," Hermione screamed.
"Ah," Harry said as the troll turned towards him. "Don't worry, my uncle taught me what to do in situations like this."
Professors; Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape came upon an odd scene a few minutes later. A grinning Harry Potter and a catatonic Hermione Granger standing next to the body of a large troll.
"What's happened here?" McGonagall demanded.
"Don't know Professor," Harry replied innocently. His uncle had taught him just enough mental discipline to appear to be telling the truth.
"Is that really what happened Harry?" Dumbledore asked in his best grandfatherly voice.
"Yep." Harry agreed.
"Hmmmm," Dumbledore said. Every bit of his formidable skill said that Harry was telling the truth.
"May we go now?"
"Yes you may go."
"Come on Hermione," Harry grabbed his newest friend by the arm and led her out of the room into his head of house. "Sorry about that Professor McGonagall, I wasn't looking where I was going."
"That's fine Mr. Potter," McGonagall replied. "Just be more careful in the future."
"Yes Professor," Harry said quickly. It wouldn't be until several hours later that Minerva would find the bloody sharpened toothbrush that had been slipped in her pocket.
AN: What did Uncle Bubba teach Harry? How to focus Magic into a toothbrush to sharpen it, using self transfiguration to make yourself look like someone else, how to get past guard dogs, making potions in a toilet or other nonstandard container with commonly available ingredients, how to make a wand by rolling up some paper. Who knows what else . . .