Disclaimer: TV may rot your brain but this fic will . . . well, rot your brain.

The Barry Jumper Show

Two weeks before Harry comes home from school . . .

"Barry, Barry." Petunia cheered as she watched her favorite show. "Dirty freaks," she muttered. "You couldn't pay me enough to drop my dignity and go on that show."

"Do you have a lazy freeloading out of control teen living with you?" The television asked. "If so, contact the Barry Jumper show. Family with the worst child gets an all expense paid vacation to Aruba while the teen gets sent to Sergeant Hate's death camp for future criminals."

"Hmmmm, Aruba." Petunia grabbed the phone. "Hello, Barry Jumper show? Let me tell you about my nephew . . . yes he lives with us. Well . . ."

Two Days after Harry gets home from school . . .

"Listen here boy," Vernon growled. "This stupid show is very important to your aunt."

"I'll be on my best behavior," Harry said dully.

"The hell you will," Vernon shouted. "You'll be on your worst behavior if you know what's good for you. Understand me you little freak?"

"Uh . . . o . . .k . . ."

"Good, you remember this conversation and mind what I said."

"I don't think I'll have a problem remembering this," Harry said dryly.

IIIIIIIIII

"Barry, Barry."

"I don't see how you can watch that drek dad," Hermione said with a sniff. "It's just a bunch of idiots showing themselves off on the tele."

"Bread and circuses hon," he replied. "We've had this conversation before."

"Yes and we agreed that it catered to the lowest common denominator," she replied. "Remember?"

"I just like turning my brain off and relaxing once and a while," he said. He didn't mention that he rarely watched it when his daughter wasn't around, she was so fun to tease.

"I . . . Harry?"

"What?"

"Mum come quick," Hermione shouted. "Harry's on the Barry Jumper show."

"Coming dear," she replied. "What are they doing today?"

"Wild and out of control teens that freeload on their relatives," Hermione's father replied.

IIIIIIIIII

"Let's start off with young Harry here," Barry announced to the crowd. "So tell me Harry, may I call you Harry?"

"Yes sir."

"What's the worst thing you've ever done?"

"Well," Harry began. "This one time, me and one of my mates missed the train to school."

"That's it?"

"No, so we stole his father's car and drove to school." Harry said proudly. "And crashed it into a tree."

"That's nothing," one of the other teens sneered. "I steal cars all the time and sell them to chop shops."

"I steal cars and sell them for cocaine," Dudley said proudly. "And I kill the owners and hide them in the trunk."

"Be quiet dear," Petunia whispered to her son. "This isn't a competition."

"But I can't let the freak win," Dudley whined.

"Uh . . . right," Barry said with a smile. "Moving right along, tell me about sex. Have you ever had sex Harry?"

"No," Harry said with a blush. "But a girl I know kissed me at the train station."

"That's it?"

"Sorry sir."

"I've got an older boyfriend," one of the other teens boasted.

"Oh yeah, I've got twelve older boyfriends." Dudley interrupted. "And I let them touch me for money so I can buy cocaine and heroin like in that movie."

"Getting back to you Harry," Barry said with an odd look on his face. "Have you ever hurt anyone?"

"Yes," Harry whispered.

"Tell me about it?"

"I got some of my friends hurt," Harry said with a sad look on his face. "I thought my godfather was in danger and we went to go save him."

"Go on."

"But he ended up saving us," Harry sobbed. "And I got him killed."

"I'm sure it isn't your fault Harry," Barry said sympathetically. "Would he want you to kick yourself like this?"

"No."

"I beat a guy until he went into a coma," one of the other teens offered.

"Oh yeah, I kill people all the time," Dudley said quickly. "Then I go to the cemetery and dig up their bodies so I can rob them and have sex with them."

"Damn it," Vernon screamed. "Ask that little freak about magic, he can do magic."

"Magic?" Barry asked with a laugh. "Are you in some sort of cult Harry?"

"No sir."

"He's a wizard," Vernon screamed. "He goes to a school for wizards and he can do magic. Ask him."

"Can you do magic Harry?" Barry asked with an amused grin.

"Um." Harry fished around in his pockets for a few seconds. "Watch the coin." What followed was one of the worst attempts at slight of hand in recent memory. "Ta da . . . I'm sorry it wasn't very good but I still need a lot of practice."

"That's ok Harry," Barry said with a smile. "I'm sure you did your best."

"Not like that," Vernon screamed. "Tell him to turn it into gold or something."

"You can't turn things into gold can you Harry?"

"No sir, I wouldn't even know how to begin."

"You see Mr. Dursley, young Harry can't turn things into gold."

"Die you lying freak," Vernon shouted as he tried to brain Harry with a chair.

"Security," Barry called out. The audience cheered as several burley guards beat Vernon with very large clubs. "Harry, I don't think you're safe with those people so here's what we're going to do. We're going to pay to have you take a small vacation to Aruba while the police investigate your relatives."

"Thank you sir."

"BARRY, BARRY, BARRY." The audience cheered as the show ended.

IIIIIIIIII

"Daddy," Hermione said sweetly. "Could I borrow your credit card for a sec?"

"Why?"

"Uh . . . to get your birthday present."

"My birthday present wouldn't happen to be you going to Aruba would it?" He asked suspiciously.

"No," Hermione replied quickly. "Of course not."

"Then would it be something that you have to go to Aruba to pick up?"

"Maybe."

"Just give it to her," his wife sighed. "Though I don't understand why you can't just get some magical way that will take half the time and cost almost nothing."

"Uh . . . about that," Hermione said nervously.

"How much?"

IIIIIIIIII

"Madame Bones," Random Auror #3 began. "There's something I need to bring to your attention."

"What is it?"

"There was a deliberate attempt to violate the Staute of Secrecy," the Auror replied.

"WHAT?"

"Fortunately Harry Potter was on hand and made the man look like a laughing stock, the muggles are convinced that the man is insane and everything worked out."

AN: Just another Omake . . .

Omake: More of Dirty Harry

Arthur took a deep breath to steady his nerves before opening the door. "Molly . . . Molly, I . . ."

"Arthur thank god," Molly sobbed as she threw herself into his arms. "Thank god you're alive."

"Of course I am dear," Arthur tried to comfort his wife.

"When I heard," the woman began in a shaky voice. "When I heard about what was happening in the Ministry . . . thank god you escaped. We have to get to Dumbledore."

"Escaped?" Arthur said in shock. "What are you talking about?"

"You haven't heard? Bones brought in a mad man, he's killing everyone that he even suspects might be disloyal to the Minister." Her eyes widened in horror. "Percy . . . you don't suppose he'll get caught up in all this do you."

"Percy is fine," Arthur said quickly. "And the rumors are exaggerated, Bones's man . . . he isn't killing people who are disloyal to the Minister. He's . . . well." Arthur paused to in a vain attempt to think of a positive spin to put on the situation. "He's only going after the Death Eaters, it seems that our former Minister let quite a few of them into critical positions."

"Only Death Eaters?" Molly said in relief. "Arthur I was so worried, but I guess things aren't so bad. And with things safer now that all the Death Eaters are out of the Ministry, do you think Professor Dumbledore will allow Harry to stay with us this summer?"