Disclaimer: Don't really feel like writing a real chapter so . . .
Bunch O'make
OMAKE: The Will
"If I can have your attention please," the Solicitor said loudly. "The reading is about to begin." He gave a slow look around the room. "I Sirius Orion Black being of sound mind and body would like to begin this will by making a confession, I am responsible for the near certain death of my godson. May god forgive me for I know Lily and James will not."
Everyone gasped in horror and several eyes turned to look at Harry.
"Harry dear," Molly cried as she did her best to squeeze the life out of the 'boy-who-was-about-to-die.'
"If I may continue," the Solicitor said loudly. "The story starts, as many do with the best of intentions. Harry, I know how much you hate your relatives and I know the trouble you've had with the Ministry so I resolved to solve both of those problems with a simple ritual. I made you my heir and to prevent my cousins from challenging this, I used a simple ritual to make you a member of the Black family. As my heir and my death, you are the Black. The problem is my parents, they didn't like how close James and I were in school and feared that we would do as they would, that is that we would follow pureblood traditions and join the families through a marriage. A Black male controlling the Potter family was nothing to worry about, their bigotry convinced them that blood would tell and that I was a sport . . . an anomaly and certainly not a true Black. They had hoped that it was all a phase I was going through and that I would eventually come out of it and return to the family. On the other hand, a Potter male in control of the Black family could not be tolerated, again their bigotry blinded them . . . they believed that blood would tell and the Black family would fall. It must have taken them years to figure out the spell work and I suspect that the amount of power that went in to it is what killed my parents, a wizard can not live long without their magic and the amount to make this curse work must have been astounding. Harry, all I can say is that I didn't know and that I had hoped to find a way to remove it before you came of age. I'd planed to solve it and then tell you after the danger had been averted, Dumbledore was always saying that you did not need the extra pressure and I reluctantly agreed with his sentiment . . . perhaps I was a fool but I did not wish to add to your troubles." The Solicitor looked up from the will. "It finishes with, I Sirius Black being of sound mind and body leave all of my worldly goods to my godson Harry Potter. I want you to spend it all on hookers and booze, enjoy the time you have left and forget this war, Voldemort will be defeated, there's no need for you to be part of it."
"What's the curse," Hermione demanded.
"Excuse me?" The Solicitor asked.
"What is the specifications of the curse?" Hermione growled.
"If a male of the Potter family should become Head of House Black, then he shall have no more then six months to live."
"And the escape clause?" Hermione persisted. "No curse that powerful can be cast without an escape clause," she growled. "What's the way out of this one?"
"Mr. Potter must have carnal relations with several women," the Solicitor said calmly.
"That shouldn't be . . ."
"Which must include the following," the Solicitor interrupted. "A daughter of the Weasley family . . ."
"Yes," Ginny cheered.
"Ahem, if I may continue?"
"Sorry," the grinning girl said smugly. "Go on."
"A girl who has seen a slockwart, a brilliant witch that is also a muggle born, a willing female of family Black, a metamorph, a pair of identical twins that were sorted into different houses, and no less then two heiresses of the great families. Impossible as you can see, while there is a daughter of the Weasley family . . . the first in several generations, it would not be possible to find any of the others. Slockwarts are mythical creatures so finding a girl who's seen one is . . ."
"I've seen one," Luna said serenely. "It had a glowing red nose."
"Will that work?" Hermione demanded.
"So long as she really believes it," the Solicitor agreed. "But it would be nearly impossible to find a muggle born witch that is also the top student at Hogwarts, not to say anything bad about them but very few overcome the handicap of coming to magic late. In fact, believe that last one to truly excel was Mr. Potter's mother Lily. Apparently the Blacks considered her a fluke and took it as given that it had and could never happen again."
"I have the top grades in my year," Hermione said in excitement. "And I'm muggle born, we might actually be able to do this."
"Be that as it may, a willing female of the Black family would be impossible, the only two that I am aware of are the Black sisters Narcissa and Bellatrix, knowing their positions I'm afraid . . ."
"I'm a Black," Tonks volunteered. "Mum got kicked out of the family but Sirius readmitted her . . . I'm also a metamorph so I guess that's two birds with one stone."
"Still," the Solicitor said sadly. "You won't be able to find a pair of identical twins that were sorted into different houses, as you know identical twins are always sorted into the same house and . . ."
"Except for me and my sister," Padma said loudly.
"Well . . . there is still one condition to meet. Two heiresses of the great families, I am sorry Mr. Potter but you may console yourself with the fact that your last few months will be happy."
"I'm the last of my line," Susan said firmly. "And I think Hanna has enough Hufflepuff spirit to help out here eh Hanna?"
"You know it Susan," the other girl agreed.
"I see," the Solicitor said in shock. "Congratulations Mr. Potter, you're going to live after all."
"Come on Harry," Hermione said firmly. "We need to find a hotel room and . . ."
"Stay there for no less then six months," the Solicitor interjected. "Casting the Constans Futuere charm on him every morning and each of you copulating with him no less then once a day, though it'd be safer to do it at least three times a day each in multiple positions. Knowing what I know of magic, I believe it would also be helpful to mix things up . . . I happen to have an assortment of sex manuals in my desk that I would be happy to lend you."
"Let's go girls," Ginny cheered. The group of girls grabbed Harry and marched out of the room . . . it didn't occur to anyone that Sirius had invited several people not named in his will for several weeks, and it took another two months to notice that the girls needed break the curse just happened to be present for the reading. No one thought much of it, when they put the two things together they just figured that Sirius had done what he'd had to, Harry's safety would always be a priority for the man . . . even in death.
Six months later, a somewhat pregnant Hermione answered the door to the beach side villa the group was staying in to find the Solicitor. "Yes?"
"I was instructed by Mr. Black to give you this letter on this day," he explained. "Good day."
"Thank you," Hermione said. "Now if you'll excuse me, we're in the middle of something."
"No problem," the Solicitor said with a grin. "Good day."
"Bye," Hermione said as she slammed the door. Walking past the pregnant Tonks, and stepping over the pregnant Luna. "Harry."
"Mumph?"
"You got a letter from Sirius . . . should I open it?"
"Mes mees."
"Ok, it says . . ." Hermione looked up with a shocked look on her face. "Harry, figured you could use some cheering up. Who loves you baby, hope you've had fun."
"Mwaaa?"
"There wasn't a curse," Hermione said dully.
"You didn't know?" Luna asked happily.
"You knew it was a trick?" Hermione screamed.
"Of course I did," Luna agreed. "Why else would things be so suspiciously convenient"? Besides, only an idiot would believe that something as silly as slockwarts exist."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Hermione growled.
"Because some Harry time is better then no Harry time," Luna explained. "None of you are the type to share under normal circumstances."
"Uh . . ." Tonks said with a blush.
"Except for Tonks and myself of course," Luna amended herself. "I'm next."
AN: If you had to cheer up your godson, what would you do? Can you think of a better way? Yeah, I thought so. Lot's of fics where Sirius has some sort of odd clause in his will that doesn't pass the logic test, here's another.
OMAKE: True EVIL
"Come with me," Bella ordered. Several of the new recruits jumped to their feet and assembled.
"Where are we going?" One of the duller recruits asked.
"CRUCIO," Bella giggled as the man screamed. "We're going to teach a mudblood a lesson," she explained. "That lesson is that Dumbledore can not protect your family. Does anyone else have any questions?" The group shook their heads. "Pity."
They arrived in front of a small building proclaiming it to be Granger dentistry, drew their wands and walked inside with mayhem on their minds.
"Can I help . . . Doctors Granger, come right away," the receptionist screamed. Hermione's parents rushed in and took stock of the situation.
"It's no use," Bella cackled. "I . . . hey, stop ignoring me."
"Look at these teeth," Hermione's mother said in disgust. "They're all going to have to come out."
"These ones too," Hermione's father agreed as he examined another Death Eater. "Nurse Payne, Nurse Agony, strap them to the chairs."
"Yes Doctor," the nurses agreed. "Should we call the anaestheseologist and tell him to come in?"
"It'll take hours for him to get here," Hermione's mother protested. "And I want to get these teeth out as soon as possible."
"Use the extra strong straps," Hermione's father agreed.
"Yes Doctors Granger," the nurses agreed.
"You," Hermione's mother said. Bellatrix froze under the intense glare the woman fixed her with. "Show me your teeth." A few short moments of examination Hermione's mother gave a grudging nod. "It could be better but I don't see anything that requires surgery . . . take a seat, I'll see you later."
"May I watch what you're going to do to them?" Bella asked hopefully.
"Might as well let her," Hermione's father opinioned. "It'll be a nice lesson on why proper oral hygiene is so important."
The next few hours were the most fascinating of Bella's life, she saw pain, she saw agony, she saw two individuals who seemed to revel in inflecting horror on others.
"How could I have been so blind?" Bella asked herself. All her life she'd been told that muggles were inferior, all her life she'd been told that they were nothing but dirt beneath a pureblood's boots . . . all her life she'd been wrong. "Master, Mistress," Bella cried as she threw herself to the ground. "I'll do anything, just take me as your servant, your student, your slave."
"I could use a maid," Mrs. Granger mused.
"I'll do it," Bella agreed. "I'll be your maid, I'll service you in bed, I'll teach your daughter every bit of magic I know. Just please, let me watch as you do this again."
"Just watch?" Hermione's father asked with an amused smile. It was nice to finally find someone that valued dentistry as much as he and his wife did. "Wouldn't you like to help?"
"Help?" That one word sent Bella spiraling into a vortex of pleasure. "Can I . . . help?"
"It doesn't take long to become certified as a dental hygienist," he assured the woman. "After that . . . who knows, you might even have what it takes to become a dentist or even an oral surgeon like my wife and I."
"Master," she kissed his foot. "Mistress," she kissed her foot. "I am yours."
One Day Later . . .
"Former Master," Voldemort read. "I have found true evil, I have seen true pain inflicted, and I have compared it to you and found you wanting. I am leaving your service and that idiot husband of mine to pursue my dream, torturing muggles and having them pay me for it. sincerely, Bella."
"She always was a crazy bitch master," Wormtail consoled his boss.
"She'll be back in a week tops," Voldemort said calmly. "Remind me to punish her severely for this affront to my dignity."
"Yes Master."
"CRUCIO."
Three weeks later . . .
"Ak," Hermione squawked. "Bellatrix Lestrange."
"Welcome home young mistress," Bella said happily. "When would you like to begin your magic lessons?"
"Why don't we wait a few days on that huh Bella?" Hermione's mother asked. "She just got out of school after all."
"Yes mistress," Bella agreed happily.
"Mum?"
Omake: Accidents Happen
"Rubber Ducky, you're the one," Voldemort sang as he showered. "I . . . ahhhhhhh," he relieved himself down the drain. "Nothing better then . . . woah." The most feared Dark Lord in recent memory slipped, cracked his head, and drowned in a puddle composed mainly of his own urine.
His body was discovered three hours later by his most faithful servant. "M'Lord I . . . " Lucius looked down at the body in shock, "he's dead . . . he's finally dead, this means." He rushed out of the room to tell the others.
"What have you gathered us here for Lucius?" One of the other Death Eaters demanded.
"That's Lord Foymaluiusluc to you slave," Lucius sneered. "Voldemort is dead, I'm your master now . . . CRUCIO."
"Hell with that," another Death Eater growled. "Reducto." Pretty soon curses were flying around the room.
Severus Snape was no idi . . . idio . . . I can't say it. Severus Snape was an idiot, but he wasn't dumb enough to stay in the middle of the massive melee that threatened to extinguish the once mighty Death Eaters. He took nearly half a dozen dark curses on his way out the door and he was the sole survivor of the Dark Lord's forces by the time he got to the edge of the wards and was close to death when he appeared in the middle of Diagon Alley.
"Voldemort is dead, the Death Eaters are all dead." he said to the shocked crowd of shoppers. "Harry Potter . . .urk." Had nothing to do with it, he had intended to say before he was cut off by a blow to the back of the head welded by Hogwarts caretaker Argus Filch.
"Has saved us all again," Filch cheered. His shovel raised and came down to hit the fallen Death Eater in the back of the head. "Three cheers for Potter."
Hip, hip, Horay!
Clang!
Hip, hip, Horay!
Clang!
Hip, hip, Horay!
Clang!
Filch smacked Snape in the head with each cheer, thinking about what Potter had said about what house the primary mess makers of the school belonged to and who encouraged them to make more work for the squib.
Harry didn't learn about his 'Grand Triumph' as the press labeled it, until three days after the event. The boy continually protested his innocence, telling the world that he had nothing to do with any fight with the Death Eaters . . . no one believed him. Some of the more astute observers noticed Harry's stiff movements and bruises. They came to the obvious conclusion that they were the result of his epic battle, actually the result of a short argument with Dudley that resulted in cracked ribs for Harry and a broken nose for Dudley since Harry was fed up with abuse after his fifth year of Hogwarts and more then willing to fight back. They worried that their savior might be two steps from death's door, citing his three day absence after the grand duel. Several Hogwarts girls named themselves the sisters of mercy, with the exception of Luna who insisted she was just a distant cousin, and tended to Harry's every need, whether he liked it or not, and so Harry gained new bruises, a couple of bite marks and a new reason for the stiffness in his movements.
And so the world changed . . .
AN: More of an outline then an Omake, had the idea and had to jot it out. dogbertcarroll added a bit to this, made it better in my opinion.
wt4dave
"I had nothing to do with it Ron! I've been in a cheap motel for the last 3 days!"
"Harry, it's okay! I learned my lesson during fourth year. I won't get all jealous and be a prat about it."
"Grrr... Hermione! You believe me don't you?"
"Honestly, Harry, for once don't be so modest! I mean, what are trying to say, that Voldemort slipped, fell, and drowned in the bath tub and the Death Eaters all killed each other in a fight for leadership?"
Omake: The Second Task used
Harry struggled to carry the two wet girls as he walked out of the lake to complete the second task in the tournament.
"Gabrielle," Fleur cried happily. "Oh thank you 'arrie. you 'ave saved my sister."
"No problem Fleur." Harry blushed when the older girl gave him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. "Happy to help."
"Where is Mr. Weasley Harry?" Dumbledore demanded.
"Back at the bottom of the lake," Harry replied. "Why?"
"And why didn't you bring him with you?" The old wizard prompted.
"Cause I could only manage two people professor," Harry said slowly, as if talking to a simpleton. "Hermione and a cute little French girl, let Victor rescue his own hostage."
"Mr. Weasley was your hostage Harry," Dumbledore sighed.
"What?" Harry asked in shock. "But . . . but you said the person I'd miss the most."
"And that's Mr. Weasley . . . isn't it?"
"I don't know what rumors you've been hearing but Ron a mate . . . not my mate."
"That's . . ."
"Don't get me wrong, he's a good bloke. But Hermione here supported me, helps me with my homework, and is an all around useful girl to have around. Ron? Well, he's fun but not irreplaceable. I would have rescued him anyway but it came down between him and a cute little girl, no gentleman would leave a defenseless little girl at the bottom of the lake and . . . well, I kinda thought that Ron was the person Victor would miss the most."
"And why would Mr. Krum miss Mr. Weasley?" Dumbledore asked, fearing the answer.
"Ron's a big Quidditch fan," Harry explained. "I just sort of assumed that he'd do anything for his hero . . . anything. Didn't want to think much about it to be honest."
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry," a dripping Ron yelled as he walked into the common room. "Why didn't you rescue me."
"Man code," Neville said simply.
"M . . ." Ron's eyes crossed. "Section sixty nine?"
"Yep and forty three."
"Sorry bout that Harry," Ron said with an embarrassed expression on his face. "Should have thought things through first."
"No problem Ron."
"So you're ok with the fact that Harry left you on the bottom of the lake?" Hermione asked incredulously.
"Course I am," Ron agreed. "You heard Neville didn't you?"
"I . . . but . . ." the girl sputtered.
IIIIIIIIII
"How's it feel that Potty left you on the bottom of the lake?" Draco sneered.
"Man code," Ron said simply.
"Man . . . wait, rule sixty nine?"
"Yep and forty three.," Ron agreed.
"Oh . . . gimme a sec then." Draco closed his eyes for a few seconds. "So how's it feel now that Potty has more fame then ever?"
"Fuck off Malfoy," Ron yelled.
Addition by ubereng
"Don't get me wrong, he's a mostly a good bloke but for much of this year he's been a right prat. I also get the feeling that if we were ever camping and the going got rough, he'd leave me in the lurch.
HERMIONE, however, always supports me, helps me with my homework, and is an all around useful girl. Have you noticed how she filled out that gown at the yule ball? I'd DEFINITELY miss those, I mean her.
Ron? Well, he's fun but not irreplaceable. I would have rescued him anyway but it came down between him and a cute little girl. No gentleman would leave a defenseless little girl at the bottom of the lake and . . . well, I kinda thought that Ron was the person Victor would miss the most. He's a great fan who isn't pushy, clingy or demanding of his Quidditch stars."
OMAKE: What Should Have Been
The Headmaster's office was silent as Dumbledore finished talking.
"I see," Harry said coldly. "May I have a piece of parchment? I'm also going to need a quill and a bit of ink."
"Harry I . . ."
"A simple yes or now will suffice," Harry interrupted.
"Here you are Harry," Dumbledore said in confusion. "But I . . ."
"Be silent please." Harry wrote a short note and handed it to the Headmaster, "since I doubt you respect my privacy enough to let this go without reading it."
"Voldemort, as I see it there are four people directly responsible for the deaths of my parents and godfather." Dumbledore looked up in horror. "Harry you can't mean . . ."
"Just read the rest of it," Harry said impassively.
"These people are Severus Snape, Peter Pettigrew, Bellatrix Lestrange, and Albus Dumbledore. If you will send me the heads of the first three and promise to make a sincere effort to end the life of the fourth and leave me and my friends in peace. I will in return send you the the contents of the prophecy and leave the United Kingdom to its fate." Dumbledore looked sick as he finished the letter. "Harry you can't hate me so much as this?"
"You're responsible for the deaths of my parents and godfather." Harry raised a finger. "You're responsible for my childhood." He raised another. "You're likely responsible for several other things that I'm unaware of." He raised a fourth finger. "And to top it all of you've been granting the murder of my parents sanctuary and employment here at Hogwarts where he abuses his position to torment me . . . I'm talking of course about Severus Snape. In light of all of that, how could I not?"
"I . . ."
"Now if you'll excuse me," Harry said as he stood and took the letter back. "I'd like to get this letter posted as soon as possible. Have a good evening Headmaster."
AN: Alternate title was; 'How I Would React.' Not in the best of moods a the moment, then again I doubt Harry would have been in a great mood when he was in that office so . . .