This is because I feel like Kate's reaction to Castle's return was very... subdued. I've never personally experienced this but I feel like if the love of your life disappears on your wedding day, is missing for two months and then shows up with absolutely zero memory of this - I don't know... I'd just assume one would have a bigger reaction.

So here's a little mental breakdown...

The Return

48 hours.

Two days.

Two long, confusing days since she received that phone call. The phone call. The one she had been waiting on for two months. Two long and confusing months. The phone call that – despite her best attempts at unrelenting optimism – she was starting to doubt would ever come. But it did come. And so far, Castle's return had been nothing like how she had dreamt it would be.

She had dreamt, night after night, that he would find his way back to her. That he would explain everything - every crumb of evidence that pointed to him being behind this would be explained, clearing him beyond any doubt. That they would find those who were responsible for this, and that there would be justice for Castle... for his family... and for her. And last, but not at all least, that they would be able to move past this - to dive right in where they left off with no hesitations - that their trauma from this would only strengthen them.

But this was reality. She still had no answers... not even a new lead to follow. His return was supposed to come with answers. Who did this? Why did they do this? Why him? And why her? Why was this world so hellbent on destroying her? What had she done in a past life that had damned her to the seemingly eternal suffering of this life? She chastised herself for the pity party... it wasn't going to help anyone. The past two months had been hell, to say the least, and the naïve part of her – the part that very rarely presented itself – had counted on his return ending that hell.

The onslaught of love and support she had received over the past two days had taken her by surprise. She didn't deserve it. She knew she didn't deserve it. Not after keeping everyone at an arms length all this time. Outside of their active cases, the boys only ever heard from her when she needed help on Castle's investigation - the investigation she kept running from her apartment when the FBI all but gave up on theirs. Even Lanie had to beg for every half-hearted interaction she received. That wall that Castle had worked so hard to tear down was back, reinforced and stronger than ever. And this time, it was keeping everyone out. She had tried to keep Alexis and Martha on her side of that wall... but she knew they couldn't fully understand her coping mechanisms, she knew they saw her as cold-hearted, slowly shutting everyone and everything out. Her grief only caused them more pain and so, on the other side of that wall they went. She stayed in the loft as often as she could - she wouldn't abandon them completely in their time of need - but most of her nights were spent in her old apartment, staring at the makeshift 'murder board' - where Castle's case had replaced the ghost of her mother's - and praying for a break... any break.

She had him back now. And that was enough... it was going to have to be. But without the answers she so desperately needed, it was going to be hard for her to convince herself he was truly safe. That he wouldn't be taken away from her again. That she could lean into life with Castle, without having to fear the rug being pulled from under her feet again.

Last night was hard. Harder than she thought it would be. She had hoped that having him home, that sharing a bed with him again, would be enough to stave off the nightmares. And, to a certain extent, it did. But she still woke every hour just to make sure he was still there... still breathing... still real and not just a figment of her imagination.

She stirred from her sleep, taking in the familiar surroundings of their bedroom. She reached across the bed, but she couldn't feel him. His side was made up, the sheets cold and lacked his scent. The tightening of her chest eradicated any lingering sleepiness as she tried her best to dispel any fear that the past 48 hours was just another dream. She couldn't ignore the tremor in her hands as she reached for her gown. She took a deep breath and reassured herself, threading her arms through the material and wrapping it around herself.

She poked her head through the door, into his office, but he wasn't there. He wasn't sitting at his laptop, typing away - too busy to even notice her - the way she often found him when they first started dating. That felt like a lifetime ago now. She cautiously walked over to his desk, running her finger along the carved wood edge. It had been so long since she allowed herself in this space. His space. The sudden wave of grief through her body forced her to inhale sharply, her breath jagged, emotions threatening to surface, despite her best efforts to keep them tucked away. She closed her eyes and took another, more measured breath. In... and out...

When she opened her eyes again, her gaze fixed directly ahead. Through the shelved partitions that separated this room from the main living area, she had a clear view of Alexis and Martha. The two women sitting together - talking quietly over breakfast smoothies - was a scene she was all too familiar with. But it's different now. He's back now. She scanned the length of the couch - the two women were alone. She couldn't help but think back to the many mornings when she would hide out in the bedroom, afraid that her presence - and his lack of presence - would be awkward. That she was becoming an unwelcome intrusion in the loft... in their life. With shaking hands, she reached forward and pulled open the door, doing everything she could to push the rapidly growing fear from her mind. Why isn't he here?

Martha had seen the detective look like this before - pale and shaky, donning a look that couldn't be mistake for anything other than what it was... confusion. It broke her heart to watch on as this woman - the woman her son loved... that she and Alexis loved, too - spent her first moments each morning having to remind herself of the crushing reality they were living. But she hadn't expected to see her like that this morning. Not now that he was back.

"Katherine, darling." She greeted, cautiously, not wanting to startle her.

Alexis joined her grandmother in quietly studying Kate, who stood frozen in the doorway to the office. She watched on as her eyes darted around the room, searching, growing wider as each corner she inspected didn't present her with whatever it was she was searching for.

Kate stepped forward, craning her neck to look around the loft. Nothing felt different - and that was bad. She couldn't feel his presence here. It was darker... felt colder...

"Kate, are you okay?" She forced her eyes to meet Alexis'. The icy blue that stared back at her was Castle. She shook her head once before her mind screamed, keep it hidden. The voice wasn't her... but it was a voice she was familiar with. The same voice that taunted her relentlessly after her shooting - that told her she wasn't safe, that she couldn't trust anyone - the voice that she and doctor Burke had been managing for years now, keeping tucked away to the best of their abilities. She knew what to do. She closed her eyes, taking more measured breaths. In... and out...

Her mouth felt like cotton, and her words snagged on the way out. "Ca- Castle?" She managed to sputter, forcing herself to look back to the women in front of her.

The worried eyes on her weren't helping her current state of mind. She wanted them to just tell her he was okay... he was here... he was safe. Instead, they studied her trying to measure their interactions. Internally, she was screaming. Begging. Pleading with them to stop. Just stop. She was sure they could see the panic building within her. Why were they stalling? She tried to move toward them, but the movement made her uneasy. She felt the room begin to spin and each breath became a chore. That was when she realised they weren't stalling - she just couldn't focus enough to hear what they were saying. Alexis' hands felt like ice against her arms as the teen tried to lead her toward the couch.

"No." She pushed the girl's hands away, only to be met by two more hands resting behind her back. She could see the concern in their eyes - they hadn't been privy to the extent of her PTSD years ago and since then she had managed to keep the lingering anxiety at bay until she was behind closed doors. To them, this seemed out of the blue... a random occurrence... an event in which she needed their guidance to get through.

She pulled in another breath - harsh and ineffective - and moved from their crowding support. She felt warmth roll down her cheek and she quickly reached to wipe away that evidence of weakness.

"I'm okay." She steadied her voice as much as possible but the continuation of sharp, uneven breaths betrayed her.

Martha thrusted a glass of water into her hands, keeping her fingers wrapped tightly around Kate's shaking hand on the glass - much like Castle does - and encouraged her to take a sip. She imagined the woman doing the same for her son over the years - that must be where he picked up the habit. She didn't have the energy to fight, so she allowed Martha to help pull the glass up to her lips and took a sip.

She felt sluggish, as if she were moving at half speed while the world around her sped up. It was a dizzying feeling.

"Dad!" Alexis' voice broke through her thoughts and, before she knew it, Castle was rushing down the stairs to join them. Martha took the glass back, stepping aside so that her son could take her place.

"Kate..."

She studied him, taking in every inch of him. His skin was sunburnt and dry, his face tired - but it was him. Here, safe, real. Relief overwhelmed her, like never before. Even when she first saw him in the hospital - a sight that stopped her dead in her tracks - she didn't allow herself to feel the relief of his return. She could feel it... the crack in that wall that surrounded her.

Her body shuddered as a sob ripped through her. Everything she had kept in for the past two months saw that vulnerability and charged that crack, pushing until it began to crumble and they could be freed. The fear, the sorrow, the anger and confusion all rushed to be acknowledged, to be felt.

He wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms, to reassure her that everything could be okay now. That they needed time, but they could push through this and live the happily ever after they both deserved. But she put a hand on his chest and weakly pushed him, keeping him at a distance.

"I'm sorry." The words came out barely audible, between sobs. "I'm so sorry, Castle."

With one hand on his chest, she closed her eyes and placed her other hand across her face, blocking out the world. As she tried to pull herself together again, she needed it to be just the two of them. She focused on her breathing... on his chest rising and falling as he breathed alongside her. But the exercise she had learned from doctor Burke was failing her.

"I can't live without you, Castle. I don't want to live without you."

Another sob ruptured from within, knocking the wind from her completely and she didn't feel secure enough to hold herself upright. She dropped to her knees, arms wrapping protectively around her stomach as she openly weeped, ignoring the small audience she had.

Mere seconds had passed before he was on the ground with her, enveloping her in his arms. "I'm right here, Kate. I'm not going anywhere." He reassured her, whispering into her hair as he rubbed his hand up and down the length of her back, repeatedly.

"I'm sorry." She muttered again, into his chest. He placed his finger under her chin, tilting her head up so that they were looking into each other's eyes. Her eyes were bloodshot and filled with tears - which shattered his heart into a million pieces - but they were undeniably her and he found great comfort in that.

"We're gonna figure this out, you know. You and me. We'll get to the bottom of this. I won't stop until I can give you answers."

He cradled her face in his palm, brushing his thumb along her cheekbone reassuringly. After she manages a few deeper, more steady breaths, she leaned in closer to him and buried her face into the crook of his neck and snaked her arms around his body.

"That's not important, Castle."

"It is. You deserve answers. We all deserve answers. You three have lived with this... I haven't." He looked up at his daughter and mother, who were watching with tear-filled eyes. "I don't want any of you to feel like you have to put on a brave face and act like everything is magically okay because I'm back."

"I want things to be okay-" she started, only to be cut off.

"I know. Trust me, I know. And if anyone is stubborn enough to act like everything is fine, it's going to be you." He let out a huff of air, something that in lighter circumstances could have resembled a laugh. "But you're not okay, Kate. You can't rush this."

Reluctantly, he removed her from the safety of his hold and pulled himself up to his feet, extending an arm out to her. She took his hand and allowed him to pull her to her feet.

"Lanie said you stopped seeing doctor Burke." He wrapped his arm around her waist, supporting her still trembling body against his.

Her brow furrowed. "You talked to Lanie?"

"Briefly. She didn't say much... but she had to come see me in the hospital. I needed to sign forms granting her access to my medical records." He raised an eyebrow at her and the threat of a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"Sorry. I should have asked you first." She should have known that Castle's doctors wouldn't hand over information without a warrant.

"I want you to make an appointment. The sooner the better." He diverted back to his original train of thought... Dr Burke. He studied her expression - looking for any signs of defiance, but he didn't find any - so he continued. "Make the call today. Please."

She contemplated his request, knowing he couldn't make her go if she didn't want to. But she knew she should. She nodded, but had to avert her eyes as if to save face. She pulled herself out of his arms and headed toward the bedroom.

"Kate?" He called after her, hoping he hadn't pushed too far.

"I have to get ready for work." She explained.

"I thought it was your day off? Gates said 'see you in two days, detective'." His impersonation of Captain Gates needed work, but she couldn't help but smile at his attempt.

Gates' not-so-subtle remark was warning that, now that Castle was home, she wouldn't accomodate the detective's persistent presence at the precinct on her rostered days off.

"I've got some time banked in Lieu that I could use..." she noted the glances from Martha and Alexis, who were well aware of all the late nights and weekends she had put in. But neither of them said anything about it.

"Gram and I were just picking out DVDs to marathon today." Alexis nodded to the DVD stack on the coffee table. She hadn't noticed that before. She felt the burn in her cheeks rising as she thought about how foolish she must have looked, falling apart at the seams the second Castle wasn't in her sights.

She sighed, choosing to embrace the Castle 'movie marathon and snacks' method of processing major life events, rather than throwing herself into work.

"In that case... I have a phone call to make. But I'll be back in a minute."

Castle smiled and mouthed 'thank you' - reflecting only a fraction of the gratitude he had for his partner's willingness to work through this along side his family. He knew that this 'togetherness' would possibly be the biggest struggle for her when it come to joining the family. And he never - not in a million years - thought that they would all find themselves in such a dire need of healing so soon into the merging of families.

But even in such unprecedented and tumultuous times, he couldn't help but feel pride as the three women - very different, complex women - in his life had managed to band together and support each other.