Disclaimer: Riddle me this, Riddle me that, I'm afraid of the Sorting Hat. After all, it can read your thoughts and ruin your future.
Screw History
Harry awoke with a groan, the first thing he noticed was that the world seemed larger then it once did. "It . . . worked?" He asked with an amused smile. "Wonder how old I am?" Shrugging the matter off, Harry examined his surroundings and found that he was back in his cupboard. "Be it ever so humble," he muttered as he popped the lock. According to the clock, it was a little before three in the morning so Harry figured that he had about four hours to arrange things and six before his 'loving family' woke up.
Harry ghosted up the stairs and into his Aunt and Uncle's room, a few minutes of rummaging garnered him an old fashioned hat pin from his Aunt's jewelry box and two quick thrusts between the vertebrae paralyzed two of the people that had shaped Harry into what he was.
Harry was gathered everything portable, valuable, and easily missed into a small pile. It wasn't like Petunia and Vernon were going to need it, he reasoned, and no sense letting it go to waste.
"This would have been so much easier if one of them smoked," Harry groused to himself as he rewired an outlet. "Electrical fires take so much time to arrange." Shrugging the matter off, Harry drained the battery on the smoke detector with a small application of magic before turning to complete his task. On the other hand, he thought to himself, Dudley hasn't really done anything yet . . . sighing, he replaced the battery before sparking the fire. Why not let fate decide if the fat boy should live? He reasoned as he disappeared into the night. After all, he could always return to finish the job if Dudley became the man he had in the old timeline.
IIIIIIIIII
Electrical Fire Leaves Boy Orphaned, Hermione felt a wave of excitement as she read the story about the tragic deaths of the Dursleys. Harry had returned, her plan had worked, even if it was just the two of them her plan had worked.
IIIIIIIIII
The Magical World was not a healthy place, Harry mused as he entered the abandoned house. Two Dark Uprisings and the London Blitz had done a lot to reduce the population and as an unintended consequence, leave hundreds of un-claimed properties sitting around for anyone that chose to exploit them.
The wards on this particular house were good, Harry thought admiringly, certainly good enough to keep it from being noticed by one of the few professional wizard thieves, but not nearly good enough to stand up to Harry's careful prodding. Thanks to his chosen profession, Harry could give the best curse-breakers a run for their money, a ward like this hardly served to slow him down.
"Let's see what we have here," he said to himself as he made a slow search of the house. "A few books, a few items, but nothing really useful." With a philosophical shrug, Harry pocketed the few things that seemed worth taking before settling down for the night.
IIIIIIIIII
"Mummy?" Luna said in a low voice. "Mummy wake up." Hands trembling a bit, Luna grabbed her mother's wand and took a deep breath. Her entire demeanor changed as she began incanting, pouring every bit of magic she could muster into the woman's body in an attempt to stabilize her long enough to save her life. When she was done, Luna stumbled drunkenly towards the fireplace. "St. Mungos Emegency," she slurred.
"You have reached St. Mungo's Emergency Room, please state the nature of your medical emergency."
"Help me," Luna gasped before the world went dark.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry woke up late that day and gathered his things, long years of paranoia had taught him the value of never sleeping in the same place. After one last look around, Harry automatically reached for his wand to cast the charms that would erase the signs that he'd ever been there.
"Damn," Harry laughed, "forgot all about that . . . guess I'm going to have to make getting a new one a priority." He bit his lip as he began to think. "Suppose I could find a house with a good potions lab," he mused, "Come to think of it, didn't someone used to keep a bottle of Polyjuice in one of their pockets? Now who was that . . . and for that matter, will they have it on them now?"
IIIIIIIIII
"Well?" Amelia demanded.
"Well what?" The Healer asked sourly.
"Well Selene is a friend of mine and I want to know what happened to her," Amelia growled.
"She says it was an accident," the Healer replied, "testing some sort of new spell and doesn't remember what happened after that. Would have died if someone hadn't stabilized her."
"Who?"
"An Auror of some sort would be my guess," the Healer said after a moment of though, "some of the medical charms used are the sort taught in the Academy."
"Some?"
"Most of them are charms none of my healers have ever heard of," the Healer said with a shake of his head, "charms I didn't think were possible."
"So we've got a cross between an Auror a Healer and a spell researcher running around?" Amelia said dryly. "You know what? I'm fine with that. How's Selene's daughter doing?"
"Says she doesn't remember a think after her mummy wouldn't wake up," the Healer replied, "won't leave her mother's side."
"I guess that's understandable," Amelia sighed, "thank you."
IIIIIIIIII
Picking pockets is such a useful skill, Harry thought to himself, it's like the gift that keeps on giving. It hadn't been easy to find someone who habitually carried Polyjuice, especially since Harry couldn't remember who it was. Hey, you kill enough people and their faces start merging. Not like dead people are important, Harry reassured himself, it's the live ones that are dangerous. On the plus side, in addition to his new Polyjuice, Harry had also acquired a number of other potentially useful items, and enough gold for a moderately large shopping spree.
"Never let it be said that crime doesn't pay," Harry said happily, "now for the unpleasant part of my plan." He eyed the Polyjuice in disgust. "Bottoms up." After the transformation, he quickly dressed in some of the clothes that he'd looted from one of the empty houses and made his way to Knockturn Alley and the used wand shop that he hoped existed in this time.
"Can I help you?" The wizard behind the counter asked without looking up from his pornography.
"I need a wand," Harry said coldly.
"Pick one you like and bring it to the counter," the shopkeeper said as he admired the centerfold.
Harry took a few minutes to browse the shop until he found one that felt right.
"This is the one," Harry said confidently.
"Mistletoe thirteen inches, filled with the ichor of Talos . . . a very unusual combination."
"True," Harry agreed. "But one that makes it very adept at one thing?"
"What would that be?"
"Killing," Harry said simply. "Reducto." Harry really hated to be so messy, but needs must and all that. A few flicks of his new wand packed everything in the shop and a few more waves insured that a nice fire would consume everything left behind. Harry whistled happily as he walked out the back door, with any luck the fire would spread to the neighboring shops and give Knockturn Alley a bit of much needed renovation. Otherwise, well it wouldn't be too much trouble to come back to do the redecorating himself.
IIIIIIIIII
"Ms. Granger, Mr. Granger. Thank you both for coming."
"What's this about?"
"It's your daughter," the school admin replied, "I'm afraid that her current classes just aren't challenging enough for her. We'd like your permission to have her tested."
"Of course," Hermione's mother agreed, "what grade do you think she'll get into?"
"Well," the admin began slowly, "considering the fact that the teacher caught her reading a book on advanced physics rather then the assigned reading which was 'Mr. Toad is my MP' I'd say she'll skip quit a few of them . . . mint?"
IIIIIIIIII
Grave-robbing is such a distasteful term, Harry thought to himself as he excavated the Riddle family cemetery. What is it that separates this from the noble Gringotts employees that loot the tombs of Egyptian kings? The time perhaps? Harry wondered, or perhaps because Egyptians were a bunch of Wogs that didn't deserve to keep what they couldn't hold?
"Another ring," Harry said in delight after he'd pried open the coffin belonging to one of Tom's distant ancestors. "Must be my lucky day." A couple quick flicks of his wand destroyed the bones and Harry put a reasonable copy in their place. After all, it wouldn't do to destroy the 'Bone-of-Father' just to find out later that a 'Bone-of-Distant-Cousin' would do just as well, better to be thorough.
IIIIIIIIII
"Aunt Amelia, Aunt Amelia," Susan squealed when her Aunt got home. "Look, we got a letter."
"You didn't touch it did you?" Amelia asked in concern.
"Nope," Susan agreed, "just like you taught me." And let me tell you what a pain it was to find one of your spare wands and remove all the evidence that would disprove that statement, she thought to herself. "What is it?"
"Seems to be safe," Amelia muttered to herself, "it . . . it looks like a page full of new spells," Amelia said in shock, "including a couple of new healing spells."
"Who sent it?"
"There's no signature," Amelia said with a smile, "but there is a smudge of black ink."
"Oh." She hadn't noticed that.
"Go wash your hands and get ready for dinner while I look over Mr. Black Ink's letter okay Susan?"
"Okay Aunty Amelia," Susan agreed cheerfully. Well, she thought to herself, that was unexpected.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry crawled through two hundred feet of what had to be the third nastiest muck he'd had to go through in his life. It was worth it, he told himself as he tried not to gag, worth it because it would remove one of the major players that had made the old world as bad as it did.
A few quick stunners insured that the elves wouldn't interfere and a quick floo call to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement insured that all the guests would arrive on time. While he waited, Harry amused himself by removing some of the more valuable items in the house . . . it wasn't like anyone would be around to miss them. Waste not want not.
IIIIIIIIII
Lucius Malfoy was awakened by a loud pounding coming from his front door. Throwing on his robe, he walked down the stairs and opened the door to see one of the more annoying people he had the misfortune to regularly interact with.
"What's this all about Amelia?" Lucius asked in a silky voice.
"We've received a credible tip that you've got a cache of Dark Artifacts hidden under your drawing room floor," Amelia replied briskly.
"Well I'm afraid that I have to admit that I do have some . . . questionable items," Lucius oozed. "They're all in the nature of family heirlooms, quite legal to own so long as they are properly stored and not misused."
"I'll be the judge of what's legal," Amelia hissed. "Aurors."
Lucius sighed as he watched the Aurors undo months of work, idly wondering what it would cost him to buy another pardon. Perhaps he would pay the extra charge to have the Aurors disbarred for planting evidence against him, he mused. It would be amusing to see the Bones Bitch put in her place. Yes, he decided, he would pay the extra amount.
"Reducto," a voice whispered from behind and Lucius watched in horror as the spell flew past him and destroyed the face of one of his old colleagues.
"Shit," Amelia screamed. "Get him." Lucius didn't even have a chance to protest his innocence before his body was hit by several dozen restricted spells, the war hadn't been over long and some people had very long memories. "Check 'im."
"He's dead Amelia," one of the Aurors said with a satisfied grin.
"And Perkins?"
"Dead too."
"Shame," Amelia sighed. "Find the rest of the family, I want them all in custody now."
IIIIIIIII
Harry allowed himself a brief moment of satisfaction as he left the former Malfoy Manor, three Malfoys and one traitor wasn't too bad. Sure he'd had times where he'd done better, considerably better, but that was in the past . . . future . . . whatever. The point was, that it was an impressive job for someone at his age. Now all he wanted to do is find a nice hot shower, cleaning charms were all well and good but they never really made you feel as clean as good old soap and water.
IIIIIIIIII
"We found the other Malfoys Amelia," the Auror called out. "It's ugly."
"What happened?" Amelia called back as she walked towards the scene.
"Looks like the mother smothered her son with a pillow before offing herself," he said professionally. "Must have heard the fight downstairs."
"Why'd she do it?" Amelia asked herself. "The most we could have done is . . . guess it doesn't matter, tag them and bag them."
"You want us to continue the search?"
"Leave no stone unturned," Amelia agreed. "No sense wasting a perfectly good warrant."
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore frowned as he read the paper, shame about the Dursley family but so long as the boy's cousin survived then all would be well. He smiled as he read that Dudley would be taken in by his Aunt Marge, no doubt the wards had prevented the paper from mentioning Harry. Dumbledore decided to reward himself with a lemon drop, damn he was good. The Headmaster briefly considered checking on Harry in person, checking to insure that all would be well and if necessary moving the wards to the new house.
"I'm sure it'll all work out without my hand," Dumbledore said to himself, "the wards should move on their own and the Dursley woman will probably be overjoyed to have two children dumped . . . er that is to say placed in her care." Yeah, he thought to himself, that must be right. Deciding to reward himself with another lemon drop, Dumbledore put the entire matter out of his mind.
The years passed and the body count rose, dozens of former and possible Death Eaters perished in a variety of horrific ways. There was no proof that any of these deaths could be attributed to anything that couldn't be easily explained but that didn't prevent the more astute members of society from noticing that something odd was happening.
"Over the last few years," Amelia began, "there have been a number of strange events."
"Define strange events please," one of her fellow cabinet members asked politely.
"It started when Selene Lovegood was found injured in her home," Amelia continued, "Someone had stabilized her using a number of unknown charms. Two other things happened that week, a mysterious fire burned down half of Knockturn Alley and I received the first of many letters containing strange new spells from a man I've been calling Mr. Black Ink . . . or Mister Black for short."
"Is that all?"
"That was all that happened in that week," Amelia replied, "if you expand the time frame you have the tip that led us to Lucius Malfoy . . ."
"Bad business that, loosing an Auror."
"We found the Dark Mark on his arm when we did the postmortem examination," the Chief Healer at St. Mungo's interjected. "It was thought best to keep quiet about that."
"Why would he kill a fellow Death Eater?" The Head of the DOM blurted.
"We're not sure he did," Amelia said reluctantly, "an examination of his wand did not show any combat spells cast in the last several cycles. There's also what happened to the Malfoy family. Taken alone it's strange, when you consider the fact that several other suspected Death Eaters have died under mysterious circumstances, it paints quite a different picture."
"Have any proof?" The Head of the DOM asked calmly.
"None at all," Amelia replied, "just a lot of strange events that add to something even stranger."
"We'll keep our eyes out then," the Chief Healer offered, "for any other signs of this . . . Mister Black."
"That's all I'm asking," Amelia said with a nod, "thank you."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry was sitting in a cheap hotel room in Romania watching through the window as a group of wizards below concluded a deal. If asked, he'd have to admit that he was more then a bit disappointed by what he was seeing. The men below weren't Dark Wizards, not if you took the conventional use of the term anyway. They were criminals and thugs yes, terrorists no. Harry briefly considered calling the authorities in and washing his hands of the entire business, it was none of his business what they were doing, nothing he cared about.
"Although," he mused, "that is quite a lot of money down there . . . what the hell, not a one of them was on the side of the angels. Not like I give a damn what happens to them." In a flash, Harry's spare wand appeared in his hand. "Now who wants to go first?"
"Hoot."
"How'd you get in here?" Harry muttered. "Hmmm, to Harry Potter. Grungy Romanian Flophouse. My Hogwarts letter huh?"
"Hoot." Harry wrote out a quick letter agreeing to the letter.
"Now where was I?" He said to himself as he walked back to the window. "Right, I think I'll take Mr. Beardy Beard first . . . say cheese."
IIIIIIIIII
"Luna what are you doing?" Selene demanded. She'd woken up early that morning and was shocked to find her daughter doing spells in the kitchen.
"Uh . . ." Luna plastered a smile on her face. "I'm trying to help with the housework mummy." She winced, that excuse even sounded weak to her.
"Really?" Selene asked with a proud smile. "How did you learn?"
"I learned by watching you," Luna said quickly. She couldn't believe this was working. "See? A couple quick flicks of her wand cleaned the dirty dishes in the sink."
"Very good Luna," Selene said proudly, "now why don't you go play with daddy? I need to make a floo call."
"Ok mummy."
"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," Selene said as she threw a handful of floo into the fire. "Minerva, it's so wonderful."
"What is?"
"I caught Luna using my wand earlier today," Selene replied. "Looks like I've got a prodigy on my hands. I'd like to enroll Luna a year earlier then expected."
"Are you sure?"
"She's only a few months too young as it is," Selene waved off the older woman's concerns, "and I'm afraid that I don't have the skills to teach her for a year myself."
"If you're sure," Minerva agreed, "I'll speak to Albus and set things up."
"Thank you Minerva."
"Happy to help Selene."
IIIIIIIIII
"Susan," Amelia called out, "come out here."
"What is it Aunt Amelia?"
"We've got a new letter from Mr. Black," Amelia said with a smile, "and more importantly your Hogwarts letter came."
"Really?"
"Really," Amelia said, "oh if only your parents were here to see this. Your mother would have been crying and your father would be so proud he'd burst . . . or the other way around. The important thing is that we need to do something special to celebrate this, would you like to go out to eat later?"
"Okay Aunt Amelia."
"And we can spend the day shopping for your school things," Amelia continued, "I'll call the office to let them know that I'm taking the day off."
After her Aunt had gone, Susan lifted up her skirt and stared at her legs for a few seconds. She was determined to keep her Aunt alive this time, keeping her ability to tap dance would be a nice bonus too.
IIIIIIIIII
"Excuse me," Minerva said as she walked into the office. "But there isn't a child named Hermione Granger here is there?" She knew it had to be a mistake, what kind of child took advanced classes at one of the most prestigious universities in the country?"
"Doctor Granger?"
"This has to be a mistake," Minerva said slowly, "the girl I'm looking for is a child."
"Well, I shouldn't have said Doctor . . . not yet anyway." The receptionist said quickly. "Both of her parents are Doctors of Dentistry, she's got her masters in Physics but she hasn't finished up the PHD yet."
"She has a masters?" Minerva asked in shock. "I've got a letter here for her."
"I'll let them know that you're waiting out here," the receptionist offered, "please take a seat."
"I will thank you."
IIIIIIIIII
"This is odd," Dumbledore muttered to himself, "I would have thought that Harry's family would have been more difficult." He took a few minutes to mull over the information. "Perhaps Marge is more tolerant of magic then her brother and sister and law were? Yes . . . yes that must be it," Dumbledore said confidently. "I deserve another lemon drop for that brilliant piece of deduction," Dumbledore said happily, "and I must remember to send another letter to Harry explaining where and how to get his school supplies."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry walked into Gringotts with a cocky grin on his face and a very special coin in his pocket.
"Key?" The goblin growled.
"Don't have one," Harry said cheerfully.
"Then I can't let you in," the goblin said with a happy smile, "nex . . ."
"Not quite correct," Harry interrupted, "according to my contract I do need a key to make withdrawals."
"Then . . ."
"But not to close my accounts," Harry continued, "those will be the Potter vault, my trust vault, my parent's personal vaults, the Black vault, my godfather's personal vault, the Lestrange vault, the Lestrange personal Vaults, the Malfoy vaults, the Malfoy personal vaults, and the Gaunt and all connected vaults which are mine by right of conquest."
"What?" The goblin asked sickly.
"I'm the heir to the heir of the Black family," Harry explained, "he's in prison and as such legally dead. Everything he once had was passed to me, same situation with the Lestrange family. They're all in lock up so everything they had goes to the Black family, everything in the Black family goes to me. The Malfoys are dead, their monies and possessions go to the Black family and as you know . . ."
"Yes yes . . . would you like to supervise the transfer?" The goblin asked sourly.
"I believe I would," Harry agreed, "just think . . . I wouldn't have closed my accounts if you'd have had some way of letting me make withdrawals without a key . . . shame that." That was a lie, but they didn't know that.
"We do," the teller said quickly, "all we have . . ."
"I'm afraid that I've already made my decision," Harry said calmly.
"Griphook," the teller screamed, "take this human to supervise the procedure."
"Just transfer it all to my Swiss account." Harry twisted the knife. "The gnomes give such better interest."
"See that it's done," the teller snapped.
"Yes sir," Griphook agreed. "This way human."
Harry watched with a satisfied smile as all the gold under his control was removed from Gringotts, the goblins in general and one goblin in particular had taken advantage of their ability to limit access to gold during the war. Armies may march on their stomachs, Harry thought to himself, but wars were won and lost by gold. More gold meant more medicine, more food, more weapons. Less meant death. After all, winning a war takes almost everything you have while loosing takes it all.
"Is it rude to offer a tip?" Harry asked after the gnomes had confirmed possession of the Potter fortune?
"Not at all," Griphook said quickly.
"Here you are then," Harry passed the goblin his special coin, specially covered in contact poison. The thought that Griphook would spend the next week dyeing in horrible agony warmed Harry's heart, and the thought that some other goblin might handle the coin before the poison lost its effectiveness bothered him not at all. Griphook's conduct had been especially bad during the war, even compared with that of the other goblins.
"That's it?" Griphook looked at the Knut in his hand in disgust.
"If you'd rather I keep it . . ."
"No," Griphook said quickly.
"Alright then," Harry said. He left the bank whistling cheerfully to himself.
IIIIIIIIII
"Doctor Granger," Minerva felt a bit odd addressing a small child that way.
"ABD Professor," Hermione said cheerfully, "could you just call me Hermione?"
"Of course Hermione," Minerva agreed, "and you may call me Minerva when we're outside of class."
"Thank you for taking the time to escort me to Diagon Alley," Hermione said politely, "do you mind if we pick up a few extra things while we're there?"
"What sort of extra things?"
"Books mostly."
"Of course," Minerva agreed, "in fact . . . I believe I know of several Transfiguration books that might interest you. Have you ever thought of taking a Mastery in Transfiguration?"
"I'm not even sure what that is," Hermione said as convincingly as she could.
"Well from what I understand of Physics." Very little. "It will compliment your studies in Transfiguration quite well. And of course I'll always be on hand to help you with your work."
"Thank you Professor."
IIIIIIIIII
"Susan," Amelia called out, "come in here please."
"What is it Aunt Amelia?" Susan asked.
"Looks like you've got a package," Amelia replied, "I wanted your permission to check it for traps. I'm also going to have to open it to make sure that it's safe."
"Okay Aunt Amelia," Susan agreed.
"Hmmm." Amelia looked up with a smile. "Looks like Mr. Black Ink sent you a gift to celebrate your entry to Hogwarts."
"Really?" Susan asked in shock. She inspected the contents of the package. "It's an old Roman manuscript on spell creation."
"Guess he thinks you have the potential to follow in his footsteps," Amelia said with a pleased smile.
"Looks like it," Susan agreed. Thanks harry.
Around the country, two other girls were also opening packages from their secret admirer.
"What is it Hermione?" Her mother asked.
"It's a book on Romanian history mum," Hermione replied.
"That's nice dear."
Luna's parents were a bit more enthusiastic about her book . . .
"Look at this darling," Selene said happily, "it's a compilation of magical animals written up by scholars in the Library of Alexandria."
"I knew it," Luna's father cheered, "I knew Mug Footed Warbies wasn't just a product of my imagination."
"What do those healers know," Selene agreed disdainfully, "they're of the opinion that we're all crazy so that just goes to prove that they don't know anything."
"Right you are my love."
Luna watched happily as her parents embraced. While a normal child of her physical age would be disgusted by witnessing such an enthusiastic show of affection, Luna was anything but normal and she was also not a child. She loved to see her parents together, every time they kissed helped heal the void in her heart that had formed after the death of her mother in the old time line. Every time they hugged helped her forget her father's long downward spiral until he lost himself in grief.
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione was the first student to board the train and she immediately staked out her favorite car. She couldn't wait for her friends to arrive and longed more then anything to have a conversation with the three other people on earth that remembered the old world.
"Harry," Hermione said cheerfully when she walked into his compartment, "I was wondering if I'd see you."
"Wouldn't miss it," Harry replied, "there are a few loose ends I'd like to tie up here."
"Snape?"
"If the mountain won't go and all that," Harry agreed. They were joined a few minutes later by Luna and Susan.
"What are you doing here Luna?"
"Mum caught me casting spells a few months ago," Luna sighed, "and so I've been sent here a year early. It's no big deal, I was almost old enough to come this year anyway."
"S'what happens when you get complacent," Susan admonished, "so what's everyone been doing?"
"Nothing much," Harry replied. "Seeing the world, meeting strange and interesting people . . ."
"Then killing them," Hermione suggested, "yes we all know . . . and would it have killed you to visit?"
"It might have . . ."
"Why don't we all yell at Harry for being inconsiderate and not visiting any of us later," Luna suggested, "what have you been doing Hermione?"
"Nothing much," Hermione replied, "just going to school."
"You know Aunty mentioned that one of the muggleborn students had an advanced degree from Oxford," Susan mused.
"So I was bored," Hermione replied quickly, "I lasted about a week before I broke. Besides, don't think I didn't get a look at the Daily Prophet Luna."
"I'm not doing anything too noticeable, Just spending as much time as I can with mum." Luna said serenely, "they have no idea who sends in that column. Not like Susan and her spells."
"They have no idea who invents those spells either," Susan growled, "what do you mean not like Susan?"
"Hmmm?" Luna blinked. "Sorry, that was supposed to be just like Susan and her spells. Everyone should have a hobby after all."
"What spells?" Hermione asked.
"I wrote most of our first year charms books," Susan said with a shrug, "Aunty is convinced that there's an insane spell inventor wandering the earth doing good . . . oh, and killing lot's and lot's of people."
"What?"
"She's nicknamed him Mr. Black," Susan said with a giggle, "coincidentally it's the same nickname she has for another 'friend' of hers. You pick up the most mentally scarring information when you're testing new listening charms," she ended with a sigh.
"Other friend?"
"It lives in a her sock drawer," Susan explained.
"Oh."
"I don't get it," Harry said with a frown, "what kind of friend lives in a sock drawer?"
"The kind for lonely women," Hermione explained absently, "so how's everyone been doing other then that?"
"Bit odd to pretend to be a child
AN: I couldn't resist . . . just couldn't, how could you expect me to? Mister Black returns . . . well . . . sort of.
Omake: Troll in the Castle
"Troll in the Castle," a badly injured Snape screamed as he stumbled into the Great Hall, "it's right behind me."
"I thought you took care of Squirrellymort?" Hermione asked, when Harry didn't answer she turned to him and raised an eyebrow.
"I'm sentimental, sue me." Harry sighed. "Without that Troll, we might have never become friends . . . besides, I just happened to have that bottle of Troll in Heat laying around and Snape really should lock up his cologne."
"So it's trying to?"
"Yep," Harry agreed.
"Rada," the Troll screamed as he ran into the Great Hall and towards Snape.
"Professors," Dumbledore said loudly as he drew his wand, "on my mark . . . fire."
Omake: The Housemates
"I must say," Minerva began as she poured the tea. "That I was shocked to see you go to Slytherin rather then Ravenclaw."
"Your fault Professor," Hermione laughed, "I told the hat that I wanted to be the best Transfiguration Mistress in my generation and he had me in Slytherin before I could get in another word. The others are the same of course."
"Really?"
"Slytherin is such a small house that the Hat sends as many students to it as possible," Hermione explained, "mostly muggleborn since Purebloods have been avoiding it what with the 'curse' and all. They see that most of the people who died in mysterious ways were mostly from Slytherin and forget that they were all supporters of the last Dark Lord. Thank you for the tea by the way."
"You're very welcome," Minerva said. She so enjoyed having a chance to speak with an equal, the fact that her guest was a young girl bothered her not at all. "Do you mind sharing why the others got in Slytherin?"
"Not at all. I'm not sure about Harry." That was a lie, Harry wanted to get conveniently close to his targets. "But Susan wants to be either an Auror or a Spell Researcher, perhaps both. And Luna wants to be the best reporter that ever lived . . . or a Zogboat."
"Zogboat?"
"I have no idea," Hermione confessed. "Luna's a rather odd girl."
"Not surprising considering who her parents are," Minerva mused.
Omake: Snape
"God damn it," Harry screamed.
"Stop sulking," Hermione said. "It's your own fault."
"It's not," Harry snapped, "and that's the problem. You try spending as much time as I have planning Snape's death and see how you like it when your plans are foiled."
"I still say that Neville deserved it," Luna said serenely, "both for what happened in the last world and for what happened in this one."
"It wouldn't have been so bad if Neville had actually done it," Harry whined, "but all he did was hand in an assignment that looked good. That's all he frigging did, Snape died because he's an idiot and because Neville somehow managed to brew an exploding potion that just happened to look and smell like a perfect hair growth potion."
"I think it works out," Susan tried to console her friend, "look at it this way. Snape died because he's a bastard, he dropped Neville's 'perfect' potion and it exploded. How were you planning to kill him?"
"Well . . . something similar," Harry admitted with a small grin.
"You see?" Susan cooed. "Snape was going to die anyway and in a similar fashion."
"But I was gonna make it slow," Harry protested.
"Were you going to do it in front of all the students on the first day of class?"
"No."
"You see, it ended up being a good lesson on safety, "Snape was never all that important anyway."
"I guess you're right," Harry sighed, "you'd think I'd have learned to deal with disappointment after the life I've lived."
"You gotta admit," Hermione said, "the look on his face when the potion exploded was priceless."
"And he did die slow," Luna said quickly, "if I'd have known that you wanted to do it your self then I wouldn't have taken an hour to get the Healer."
"How'd you explain that?"
"It's my first day," Luna said innocently, "I got lost." The group laughed at Luna's puppy eyes "I . . . didna . . . mean . . . for . . . Professor . . . Snape . . . to . . . die."
"They bought that?" Hermione demanded between giggles.
"Gave me a passing grade in all my classes till the end of the year too," Luna said proudly. "Because I've been so horribly mentally scarred."
Omake: Thrice Defied.
Snape glowered at the Frank Longbottom and his girlfriend Alice. How dare they defy him like this? He'd told them three times that stripes and plaid just weren't the right color combination to wear to the spring formal but the fashion challenged fools had ignored them.
"That's it," he said to himself. "Severus Snape the fashion consultant is no more . . . why don't we try Severus Snape the Potions master and Death Eater?"
Omake by dogbertcarroll
Harry patted Neville on the back as he stared despairingly at his potions quiz.
"I got a Troll minus. No one has ever got a Troll minus on potions before. He even took points off for the way I spell my name."
"It's not that bad. I got ahold of his old potions book and look at this." Harry held out an old and heavily folded test being used as a bookmark.
Neville unfolded it and begin to snicker. "He got a Troll minus on his first one too! He marked me the same as his first one. I guess you're right, I'm not that hopeless. If Snape can go from Troll minus to
teaching then I can at least get an EE."
'And he shall mark him as his equal'
Omake by meteoricshipyards: Another conversation at the Reunion
Harry and Susan watched Luna as she went to get more drinks.
"Amazing that "Loony" Lovegood turned out to be one of the best Aurors since Mad Eye," the blond spell wight commented.
"That's just because people didn't pay attention to her. She was always so quiet in the DA that no one noticed she needed hardly any help when learning new spells, or that her aim was so good. When we
went to the Department of Mysteries, she rescued a half crazed Ron and a Ginny who was in too much pain from her broken ankle to cast a spell, and once she became responsible for them, she didn't let another spell hit them until we were all overwhelmed.
"And when she encountered that group of Junior Death Eaters. . . ."
"They were over seventeen and all marked," Susan commented.
"Yes, but there were five of them against Luna and myself. They thought I'd do anything to protect her. . . ."
"You wouldn't?"
"I would, but only if she needed it. You should have seen Parkenson's face when they found out how bloody competent "Loony" Lovegood was with a wand." Harry laughed, until he remembered what they found in the next room after defeating their former schoolmates.
Susan put an arm around him, as she saw his expression change. She knew what he was remembering, and gave him a squeeze.
"We all miss them," she whispered. Harry nodded, as Luna and Hermione also enveloped him with their arms.
Another Omake by meteoricshipyards
-Where are we?
-I don't know.
-Did it work?
-I think so.
-Everyone here?
-I am.
-Who are you? I mean we're not talking. I don't even think we're breathing.
-This is Hermione.
-I'm Luna.
-Susan here!
-That means I'm Harry. So the spell did something, we're together, but we can't tell where we are. Or when. Or if.
-But we are together.
-I feel that this place if familiar.
-Who said that?
-Hermione. I just feel warm and protected.
-I hear something.
-Me too.
-I don't recognize the noise.
-I hear a heartbeat. It's really pounding.
-Now that you mention it, so do I. And . . . gunting?
-"Bubala?" Who ususes that word?
-My mother.
-Who's that?
-Hermione again. My mother calls my father that when they're alone. At night. All alone. In the bedroom.
-How do you know?
-I was a very curious child. I would listen at their door when I heard sounds in the night.
-I hear something else. Singing. Very tiny singing.
-Who said that?
-Luna. I think I can direct us. I see something. Well, see isn't quite the word, but it's close. There do you see it?
-It's tiny. And you're right. It is singing.
-Tiny? It's microscopic. It's spherical and microscopic and singing? Why doesn't that seem to make any sense.
-It's singing, "Come to me"? This isn't making any sense.
-Wait I hear something else. It's like a croud of voices?
-Yes that way.
-What way. There's no up and down here.
-That had to be Hermione.
-You want to make something of it, Potter?
-Er, I'm Susan.
-Sorry. But I hear the crowd, too.
-They're singing, too.
-What are they saying?
-Listen! "I'm coming. Got to get there first." over and over.
-There they are! Hundreds of them. Snakes!
-Oh, good lord! There're not snakes.
-What are they?
-They're sperm. And that's an egg. And I'm the oldest, so that's probably mine.
-Then that means. . . .
-I always was a bit of a voyeur, but I've never watched this.
-You pervert, Harry.
-That wasn't me.
-That was me. Luna. I wonder if we can go up. . . .
-Don't you dare! That's my parents!
-All those times listening, didn't you ever watch?
-No, they always locked the door.
-Oh, look, one's made it. They're singing a duet now.
-And the rest of the sperm is going away sad. I wish. . . .
-Don't you say it, Luna.
-Awwww.
-So, the spell must have taken us further back than planned, right Hermione? Hermione?
-I don't think she's with us any more. I think that we're looking at her.
-So what happens now?
-I think we wait a few months and visit my parents, and then yours Harry. Luna, you're going to be like this for about a year.
-It will only be a few months after Harry. He's born in July and I'm in October.
-Do we know if this will work when we go all the way back to the beginning?
Yes.
-Someone else? Who said that?
Me. Hermione. Im in the cell. Can't talk much now. I'm getting
ready to split.
-You're leaving?
No! Not split/leave. Split/divide. Talk to you later.
-I guess it worked.
Omake By: meteoricshipyards
"Harry? Did you kill those death eaters?"
"No, Hermione! I'd never!"
"Harry?"
"Well, a may have. A little."
"A little Harry?"
"Maybe a little, yeah. And it was an accident. My wand went off when
I wasn't paying attention."
"Sixteen times?"
"Yes. It was an accident."
"What am I going to do with you, you goof!"
Luna piped up, "Oh Harry! You know being dark and daring makes me hot!"
Hermione turned on the blonde, "Not now, Luna . . ."
"Awwwww."
Hermine continued, ". . .We're only six. At least wait until puberty!"
"OK, it's a date!"
OMAKE by ubereng
"Damn!" Harry said. "As I was doing that last job..."
"You mean the Goyles?" Interrupted Hermione.
"Yeah," Harry replied. "Anyway, I felt all giddy and happy. Like I even wanted to hug and kiss Mrs Goyle! Yech, I mean am I finally losing it, Hermione?"
Hermione turned her head and coughed. The cough might have sounded a little like "finally?".
Luna piped up, "It's your nargles, Harry. That's what they do."
"Nargles, what nargles?"
"Your wand's crawling with them. Let me see it."
Harry pulled his mistletoe wand out of his back pocket. Luna took it and took a small jar out of her purse. "This is a pepper shaker." She sprinkled pepper along Harry's wand. Several tiny "achoos" could be heard along the length of it.
"This is insecticide," Luna said as she pulled a spray can out of her purse. Soon several tiny "aarghs" could be heard falling from Harry's wand to the carpet.
"Oh, Harry," Hermione chided. "Didn't anyone tell you not to carry your wand in your back pocket?"
Harry's tone was acid, "I'm not going to blast a buttock off!"
"Maybe not. But, certain infections can spread from there," Hermione replied as Luna pulled Harry's waistband out and sprinkled in some pepper. Several tiny "achoos" could be heard from Harry's boxers.