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Loving Luna Lovegood

"Who are you?" Vernon growled.

"I'm Harry's girlfriend," Luna replied with a dreamy smile. "And I hope to be keeping you awake with lot's of loud sex over the summer, pleased to meet you."

"What?" The large man asked in shock, his brain refusing to believe what his ears told him.

"I put my pet in your pocket," Luna ignored the oaf. "Wanna see?"

The large man reflexively glanced down and was horrified to see a pair of glowing eyes looking back at him.

"He won't hurt you if you leave us alone," Luna said absently. "For some reason he just hates it when people bother me . . . his name is pinky. I named him that because he likes to eat fingers . . . you have a big head, is it supposed to be that shade of purple, I like pie, do you like pie? My name is Luna, what's your name? Is it Ugly? I bet it's ugly since you're so ugly . . . or maybe it's fatty fatty fat fat, that's a dumb name. You should change it to something cool like Coqmaster . . ." She really didn't care for the purple man, not after the way he'd treated Harry but she'd resolved to be as polite as she could be expected to be under the circumstances.

"Boy's upstairs," Vernon interrupted. "Why don't you take your pet and go visit him." His eyes were still locked on the evil thing in his pocket and his mind was on the warm stream of urine making its way down his leg.

"Ok," Luna agreed cheerfully. "Bye bye." Luna skipped up the stairs, burst into Harry's room, and was horrified by what she found. "Harry," she gasped. "What have you done to yourself? You must have gained six hundred pounds since I last saw you. Not to mention the fact that you smell of sweat, urine, fecal matter, and fungus. Have you been bathing? You've gotten ugly, did you eat some fruit of the ugly tree or did someone just beat you with one of the branches?"

"I'm not the freak," Dudley whined.

"How dare you try to trick me into thinking that you're Harry," Luna screamed. "Get out of his room and tell me where he is this instant." Relieved that Harry hadn't turned into a hideous monster, she wanted the thing out of her sight and Harry's thing in her sight as soon as possible.

"Freak's down the hall in the room with all the locks," Dudley replied as he got up. He was gonna follow the Draco Malfoy school of conflict resolution, that is to say he was running off to tell daddy.

With a sigh of relief that she'd resolved yet another obstacle in her path to months of active enthusiastic sex, Luna skipped down the hall and burst into Harry's room . . . only to find him peacefully asleep under a worn blanket.

"Poor Harry got too tired waiting for me and fell asleep," Luna cooed. "I'd better arrange everything so that everything is arranged. It's what a good girlfriend would do after all," Luna said to herself with a happy smile. "Now, where should I put that sex swing?"

Harry awoke several hours later and was more then a bit surprised to see his reflection looking back at him.

"When did the Dursleys put a mirror on my ceiling?" Harry muttered to himself. "And why didn't I notice it when I went to sleep?"

"Because I just put it in," Luna replied happily.

"Who?" Harry looked over to find a happy Luna looking back at him wearing nothing but a naughty smile. "Luna?"

"Uh huh," Luna agreed. "Would it be too much trouble to get up for a bit? I'd like to replace your bed with another I picked up earlier today, it's round and spins around."

"Ok," Harry agreed. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to spend the summer with my boyfriend," Luna explained. She waited until Harry had climbed out of bed before waving her wand to disappear the old warn bed, another wave un-shrunk the new one. "Does it look good here or do you think I should put it in one of the other rooms?"

"Other rooms?" Harry asked despite himself.

"Yes," Luna agreed. "I found some sort of fat troll in your other bedroom pretending to be you and I sent him packing." She paused to think while sucking on the end of her wand. "And your uncle was nice enough to offer us the master bedroom and everything else on the second floor and attic if I promised not to put my pet in his pocket again . . . incidentally, we had a talk and he's thinking about changing his name to Coqmaster. "

"Uh . . . who's your boyfriend?" Harry asked slowly. "And how are you able to use magic?"

"I'm able to use magic because father registered himself as my tutor this summer," Luna explained. "And you're my boyfriend silly."

"I am?"

"Did I forget to tell you?" Luna asked contritely. "I'm sorry, I must have got carried away with getting ready and arranging to spend the summer together. Forgive me?"

"Sure Luna," Harry agreed. "But . . . mumph." He cut off when Luna threw herself into his arms and did her very best to wrap her tongue around his uvula.

"So," Luna said in a sultry voice. "Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?"

"Shouldn't we talk about things first?" Harry asked, he was having a bit of trouble thinking and his face was pale from having all the blood rush out of the capillaries and into other parts of his body.

"Well," Luna mused. "I've never talked dirty to anyone before, but I'm happy to try. I'm a very naughty girl who needs to be punished . . . by punished, I mean I'd like you to push me down on your bed and be held down while you . . ."

"I meant talk about why you're here."

"We already talked about that," Luna said slowly. "I'm here to spend time with my boyfriend."

"Who's me right?"

"Yes," Luna agreed. "Are you feeling sick Harry?"

"And you're able to use magic because your father is teaching you?"

"Officially yes," Luna agreed. "But father is far too busy to actually teach me, we just told the Ministry that so that I can use magic without getting into trouble. Oh, I was thinking of knocking out some of the walls to make you one big room, but I didn't want to do anything without talking to you first."

"Uh . . ." Harry was saved from replying by the entrance of several dangerous looking Aurors.

"Harry Potter you're . . . wait, you're Lovegood's girl aren't you?"

"No that's Harry Potter, James Potter's boy." Luna said slowly. "Everyone knows that."

"False alarm folks," the Auror called over his shoulder. "Sorry about that Potter, we didn't realize you had a Lovegood with you."

"What's that have to do with anything?" Harry asked in confusion.

"Just a sec." The Auror reached into his pocked and pulled out a large book. After flipping through it for a few seconds, he marked a passage and handed the book to Harry.

"Lovegoods are allowed to do whatever they want so long as it doesn't hurt anyone important," Harry read. "What's this mean."

"It means that she can do anything she feels like doing that doesn't hurt anyone important like the Minister," the Auror said slowly. "You wouldn't believe how much easier things became after they enacted that law." He glanced down at the book. "Five hundred years ago."

"But . . . "

"And before you ask, no. It doesn't work to throw them into Azkaban."

"They like that," another Auror said with a horrified shudder.

"Best birthday party ever," Luna agreed.

"We lost half our dementors that year," the Auror continued with a haunted look in her eyes, "turns out dressing them in pink and forcing them to have a tea party destroys them. I can still hear the screams when I close my eyes to sleep at night."

"I . . ."

"Let's go boys," the Auror said loudly. "Potter, good luck and godspeed. We won't forget what you're doing for us."

"What am I doing for you?"

"Keeping her distracted," the Auror said with a grin. "I was there when she got bored as a child and decided to visit the Department of Magical Law Enforcement . . . let's just say that I'll never look at a duck the same way again. Every Lovegood's bad, but she's a Lovegood squared."

"I'm not square," Luna said hotly., she cupped her breasts. "Am I?"

"No you're Luna shaped," Harry said absently. "So . . . what now?"

"Use magic, slander the Minister . . . hell walk around Diagon Alley naked if you want to, just so long as you're keeping her occupied."

"Ok," Harry agreed in shock. "Hey Luna."

"Yes Harry?"

"You know what I want to do right now?"

"Walk around Diagon Alley naked and slander the Minister?" Luna asked hopefully.

"No I . . ."

"Want to have lot's of loud active sex?" Luna asked even more hopefully.

"No I want to go back to sleep," Harry said with a blank look on his face. It was obvious that he was dreaming . . . or perhaps having a bad reaction to that week old sandwich he'd eaten earlier, best thing to do would be to have a nice nap until the world made sense again.

"Ok," Luna agreed cheerfully. She was so happy that Harry was conserving his energy, looked like this was one relationship that was going to work. "I'd better get everything ready then," Luna said to herself, "so that Harry isn't disappointed in me when he wakes up."

Several hours later, Hermione woke up to find Luna looking down at her with an intent look on her face.

"Good morning Hermione," Luna said cheerfully.

"Luna?" Hermione muttered. "Wha . . . WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?"

"Hmmmm?"

"Your clothes," Hermione said slowly. "Where are they?"

"Most of them are at home," Luna replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Why aren't you wearing them right now?"

"Because it seemed like too much trouble to go home just to get dressed," Luna said.

"But . . . why did you leave home naked in the first place?"

"I didn't leave home naked Hermione," Luna said with a hurt look on her face. "What kind of girl do you think I am."

"Where are the clothes that you wore when you left home and why aren't you wearing them now?" Hermione said slowly, she wanted to get this question right.

"They're scattered around Harry's room," Luna said proudly. "And getting dressed seemed like a waste of time since I was just going to get naked again as soon as we get back to Harry."

"So you an . . . wait, what do you mean by we?"

"You're coming with me," Luna explained. "That makes two of us and the proper conjugation is we. I suppose I could say the two of us or something else, but the word 'we' is more commonly used."

"Why am I going to go with you?"

"So that you can take your turn sexing up Harry of course," Luna laughed. "Why did you think."

"Me?" Hermione squeaked.

"You," Luna agreed. "Don't think that Cho didn't talk about how you ruined her relationship with Harry with your constant jealousy. Never let it be said that a Lovegood doesn't learn from other people's mistakes."

"Or that they learn from their own," Hermione muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing Luna."

"Ok, let's go then."

"What makes you think I'm going to go with you?" Hermione asked with a confident smirk.

"What makes you think you have a choice?" Luna asked serenely.

After a short 'discussion,' Luna managed to 'persuade' Hermione to accompany her back to Harry's house.

Hermione reluctantly followed the blond up the stairs and into Harry's newly expanded suite of rooms.

"Mmmmmmph."

"What was that?"

"What was what?" Luna asked innocently.

"Mmmmmmph."

"That," Hermione said. "Didn't you hear it?"

"Hmmm?"

"That isn't Harry's school trunk," Hermione accused. "And I know it isn't yours, who's is it?"

"Ginny's," Luna said with a smile. "Why?"

Hermione rushed over and flung open the trunk. "Ginny?" Hermione exclaimed. "Don't worry, I'll have you untied in just a bit." She removed the ball gag from the red head.

"No hurry," Ginny said quickly. "You get to like it after a while, I was just wondering if one of you could scratch the tip of my nose."

"Uh . . . sure Ginny," Hermione agreed.

"Now if you could close the trunk," Ginny said hopefully.

"Fine," Hermione said. "Luna," Hermione began with a shell shocked expression on her face. "If I open the closet, I'm not going to find the Patil twins am I?"

"Nope," Luna replied. She was planning to get them later, after the dungeon in the closet was finished."

After several days of what can only be described as sweaty, active, and enthusiastic exercise without having to go into details that would cause several readers to go into a coma . . . something else happened.

"Prepare to die Potter," Bellatrix cooed. "You'll . . . wait, is that a Lovegood with you?"

"Yeah?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"He's my boyfriend," Luna chirped.

"Oh . . . false alarm," Bella said loudly. "Let's get back to the Dark Lair."

"What the hell is going on?" Harry demanded.

"She's a Lovegood," one of the Death Eaters said as if it explained everything.

"But . . ."

"According to the Dark Lord Handbook," Bellatrix said as she pulled out a small pocket guide out from between her breasts. "And I quote 'mettle not in the affairs of Lovegoods' end quote."

"Oh . . . see you around then," Harry said with an intent look on his face, "I guess."

"I don't get it," Hermione said in confusion after the Death Eaters were gone. "I just don't understand why people act that way around Luna of all people."

"I think I've figured it out," Harry whispered to Hermione. "I know why everyone let's Luna's family do whatever they want."

"Really?" Hermione asked. "Why?"

"The more powerful a wizard is, the more insane they are." Harry said clearly. "Dumbledore's a bit odd, Voldemort is a power-mad psycho, Hermione you're a controlling information junky, I must admit that I have my issues . . ."

"Get to the point."

"Luna and her entire family are just fucking nuts," Harry explained. "Magically, they must be the most powerful family around."

AN: Basic idea is that Luna decides that Harry is her boyfriend, doesn't bother telling anyone about it esp. not Harry. Has a couple good lines but I'm not too happy with it, fun to write but not all that great. May have to recycle some of this into something else, whole point of the fic was the last couple sentences. It all makes sense doesn't it?

Mini Omake by dogbertcarroll

1 week later...

Harry lay panting and dripping in sweat. "I think there is one too many O's in your last name."

"Lvegood?"

"Never mind."

Omake by meteoricshipyards

"Hermione! What are you doing here?"

"Luna made me come."

"She did? How could she. . . ?"

"You know how she's always talking about strange creatures that no one else has ever heard about?"

"Yes. Crumple Horned Snorkacks and things."

"Ever hear of a Tusked War Rabbit?"

"Uh, maybe."

"She lied about them."

"So they don't exist?"

"No, she lied when she said they were extinct."

Their conversation was interrupted by a scream.

Luna's voice came from the direction of the stairs. "But Mrs. Dursley, it will keep dogs off your garden."

Tom A.

Tusked War Rabits first appeared in one of Michelle-31a's fics. Used without permission, but Luna forced me.

Another Omake by meteoricshipyards

OMAKE: Lovegoods in History

"Hey, Hagrid."

"'Ello, Harry. What are you doing here?"

"Had to pick up a few things," he said, looking at the tub of margine in the top of the shopping bag.

"Do you have Luna in class?"

"The Lovegood girl? Naw. She don't need it, and I'm glad."

"Huh?"

"She's a Lovegood, ain't she? Would be afraid for me animals if she were in the class."

"But you said she didn't need it?"

"And great grandchild of ol' Dendroginous Lovegood probably knows more about magical creatures than me. He's the one that stopped the Dark Lord Raugnar."

"How'd he do that?"

"Raugnar had this plan, ya see, where he was going to let a bunch of Nundu loose in the Ministry to wipe out the government in one shot. Well Dendroginus was in there visiting someone in the Department of Mysteries, if I recall the story, and came to the lobby while everyone else was running away. The last person out of there says that he saw Dendroginous surrounded by Nundu. Later, when the Nundu didn't follow the witches and wizards down the stairs, some brave aurors went back to the lobby to find no one there. The aftermath of the whole thing is the Lovegoods to this day own a rather large Nundu breeding range in Africa, Raugnar's digested remains were delivered to the Ministry mixed with Nundu dung, and a very polite letter is sent to the Lovegoods from the ministry begging them not to get their sons or daughters Nundu kittens for pets whenever a new Lovegood is born."

"Thanks, Hagrid! Enjoy your lunch!"

Harry ran out of the Leaky Cauldron with his bag of groceries, including the ten cans of Magical Kitten Chow that Luna had asked him to pick up while he was out.

Omake by Christopher

Luna Lovegood, soon to be Potter (if she had her way... and she would, thanks to a 500 year old law), sat across from Hermione Granger. Hermione Granger, the brightest witch in recent Hogwart's history

glared back at the blonde before speaking.

"I think, therefore I exist." Hermione said, smirking. When Luna had come to her looking for answers to problem a problem that had been bothering her, Hermione had been more than happy to help her out. Now though, she was a little less excited about the problem solving.

"You may think you exist." Luna shot back, "And I am sure you thought you existed yesterday, but how do I know that the you that you thought you were yesterday is the same you that you think you are today?"

Hermione blinked. "What?"

Luna sighed and began to speak slowly, as if to a small child, "How do I know that your perceptions of reality have not changed since yesterday?"

"That's not what you said." Hermione challenged.

"Yes it was." Luna countered.

"No..." Hermione started, but was cut off.

"Okay, Hermione, you say thinking proves you exist? What about the chair you are sitting in?"

Hermione looked at Luna, down to the chair, then back up to the blonde witch. Hermione's lips began to move as she worked herself into a rant. Anything Hermione was about to say was stalled quite suddenly as her chair quite suddenly ceased to exist, leaving the poor witch to fight vainly with the laws of gravity moments before falling on her butt. Standing, Luna peeked over the edge of the table.

"That wasn't very nice, using your logic to prove that chair did not exist." Luna lamented, her voice thick with sadness at the loss of a chair. "It was in the prime of its life too."