Disclaimer: Alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems. So we put a shard of glass up the cabin boy's ass and circumcised the captain
Sailing and Salvage
"Psst," Ron whispered, "Harry . . . over here."
"What is it?" Harry whispered back.
"Follow me," Ron replied. After a couple nervous glances around, he led his friend to an unused section of the school. "Fred and George showed me this place," Ron explained, "they reckon it used to be a staff lounge." The room was full of worn but good quality leather furniture.
"What's going on?" Harry asked as he plopped down on one of the chairs.
"They also reckon and I agree, that you're under a lot of stress." Ron continued. "I brought you here for a bit of well needed stress relief."
"Uh . . . look, uh . . . I'm flattered that you see me that way but . . ."
"Not that," Ron said quickly, "this." He pulled a bottle out from behind the large couch. "Who loves you baby?"
"Admiral Farragut's fair rum for your gut," Harry read the label. "You sure this is a good idea?"
"Nope," Ron replied cheerfully, "drink up. Forget Snape, forget bloody Voldemort, and forget bloody Umbitch."
"Well . . ." Harry stared at the bottle for a few seconds. "Bottoms up."
"That's the spirit mate," Ron cheered. Ron took the bottle back and took a swig. "Plenty for both of us eh?"
"Yeah mate," Harry agreed, "cheers."
Harry woke up face down in a puddle of his own vomit and his groan of pain woke Ron, who was sleeping in a puddle of his own.
"God," Harry groaned, "I'm never drinking again."
"I'm with you mate," Ron agreed, "do you remember what we did last night?"
"No, you?"
"I just have this feeling that we did something horrible," Ron replied, "something we'll regret for the rest of our lives."
IIIIIIIII
"What's all this?" Voldemort hissed.
"It appears to be human feces master," Lucius said helpfully.
"Lucius . . ."
"Yes master?"
"CRUCIO." Voldemort held the spell for a few moments. "How did this get here?"
"I don't know master," Lucius cried, "I was at the Department of Mysteries waiting for Potter to arrive with the others all night."
"Find out who did this," Voldemort ordered, "and bring them to me. The Prophecy can wait, no one defecates on Lord Voldemort's throne." He looked around. "Or vomits on his carpet, or urinates on his drapes, or . . . Lucius, make a list of everything that got befouled when you clean up this place."
"Yes master," Lucius sighed.
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry, Ron." Hermione squealed, causing them to contemplate murder. "I . . . I don't know what to say, you guys are such good friends."
"We are?"
"How did you know we only needed two more people to sign up for our advanced astronomy summer classes?" Hermione used a quick spell to clean up the vomit and then pulled them both into a massive hug. "I really wanted to go but I knew that the chances of getting to take this class were slim to none . . . I . . . I really love you guys." She released them from her hug. "It really means a lot to me that you two are willing to take classes all summer just so I can take this class, it really does. I'm gonna go tell the others," she announced as she skipped out of the room.
"Classes all summer," Ron groaned. "I knew we did something horrible when we were drunk."
"We can't back out of it," Harry tried to console his friend. Classes all summer means no time with the bloody Dursley family, he thought, hooray for me. "You heard Hermione."
"Yeah," Ron agreed, "just goes to show the dangers of demon rum. I'm never drinking again," he reaffirmed.
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore sat in his office with a confused look on his face. Nothing had gone according to plan, Harry was supposed to have faced Voldemort the night before. Several Death Eaters were supposed to have been captured by a group of children, not a surprisingly efficient Quick Reaction Force. He automatically signed and filed several of the papers in his in box without bothering to look at them. It wasn't like anything important ever crossed his desk.
"Perhaps Harry did the sensible thing and reported the crime to the Aurors?" He said doubtfully. "That really doesn't sound at all like something that Harry would do." How the hell did Amelia Bones manage to get her Aurors scrambled so fast?
IIIIIIIIII
"Report," Amelia barked.
"Still no progress on the Naked Vandals," the Auror said nervously, "we do know that at least one one of them got a tattoo on his buttocks."
IIIIIIIIII
"Feels like I've got a sunburn on my ass," Ron complained as they walked into the Transfiguration classroom. "Wonder where Hermione is?"
"Not like her to skip class."
IIIIIIIIII
"Why don't we set that aside for the moment?" Amelia suggested. "We learn how those Death Eaters managed to get into the DOM?"
"Not yet Madame Bones," the Auror said nervously. "But it's a good thing we were mobilized to look for the Naked Vandals or we'd have never noticed the security breach."
"Find out who was supposed to catch these things and tell them that I want to have a very long talk with them," Amelia said with a cruel smile, "using words like incompetence and crucifixion."
"Yes Madame Bones," the flunky agreed with a nervous gulp.
IIIIIIIIII
"Sorry to disturb your class Minerva," Sinistra said as she walked in, "but I need to borrow Messieurs Potter and Weasley."
"Of course," McGonagall agreed. She turned to the two students. "I'm glad you two enjoy my class so much but when you are excused to go to a meeting, I expect you to go to the meeting." She was so happy that Albus was beginning to show a bit of sense in his dealings with Mr. Potter. Why, just a year before Albus wouldn't have allowed Harry to go to summer classes and this year he hadn't so much as made a peep of protest.
The two boys followed their curvy Astronomy Professor to the tower and sat in the empty chairs next to Hermione.
"Well," Aurora said, "now that everyone is here we need to plan our trip to the the port to buy supplies. Now, you'll all want to have at least . . ."
"Um," Ron interrupted with a blush, "I'm not sure that I can afford . . ."
"Don't worry about it," she waved off his concerns, "it's all coming out of my department's budget."
"How can you afford that?" Hermione asked.
"You think Hogwarts pays for the Astronomy program?" Sinistra asked with an amused smile. "Not a chance, it's payed for by a fund set up by private interests. Why else do you think I have equipment that's less then fifty years old?"
"What private interests?"
"Salvage companies mostly," Aurora replied, "and also the few Maritime cargo concerns that still serve the magical world. Now if I may continue?"
"Sorry," Hermione said with a blush.
"Quite alright, never be afraid to ask me a question. In fact, if you have a question then I want you to ask it. Lives could be at stake, never forget that the sea is a dangerous place. Am I understood?"
The students indicated their agreement and Sinistra waved to a trunk that had been sitting unnoticed in one of the corners.
"This is my sea chest," Aurora said proudly, her hand dropping to caress the smooth wood. "And it'll give you an idea of the sort of equipment you'll need to pick out. The one thing I insist that everyone have is a good sextant. That's the one thing you never ever share. A good accurate watch would be something I strongly recommend also." She opened the trunk.
"Why is it wider on the bottom?"
"Stability, any other questions?"
"Why do you have a sword?" Hermione asked curiously.
"Cutlass," Aurora corrected automatically. "Some waters aren't as safe as others, I never had to use it but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. Much more useful is a good folding knife with a marlin spike," she said as she pulled out the item, "sheepsfoot blade is the best in my opinion. Some people will say there's no point because the first thing a sailor will do when you give him a knife is stick it into someone. I say that the point gets in the way when the sea is anything but calm and it's a danger around rope and sail besides. Questions?"
"What's the marlin spike for?"
"Splicing line, I'll be sure to teach you a few tricks with knots later. Questions?" She looked around. "Alright then, each of you is going to be one of the ships officers."
"And you'll be the captain?"
"I'll be the ship's master," Sinistra corrected, "someone else gets the headache of commanding you lot."
"Harry'll be the Captain then," Hermione said firmly, "agreed?"
"I don't wanna be Captain," Harry said quickly.
"Agreed," everyone chorused.
"You'll also be the chief diver," Sinistra said, ignoring the boy's protests. "And since I'll be dealing with most of the bad parts, the Captain should be a fairly easy position. Worry more about being a diver."
"Oh . . . alright then," Harry said cautiously.
"Hermione and Luna are the only two students that have high enough grades to be the ship's navigator," Sinistra continued, "coincidentally they're also the only two that asked Madame Pomfrey for extra lessons so one of them will have to be the navigator while the other is the Surgeon and naturalist."
"I'm not so sure we should assign Luna the job of Ship's surgeon and naturalist," Hermione said confidently.
"It's either that or Navigator," the Professor said calmly, "and you can be the surgeon."
"Uh . . ." Hermione was in a quandary.
"Pomfrey wouldn't have recommended either of you if you didn't know your stuff."
"I'll be the Navigator," Hermione said in defeat.
"And I'll be the Surgeon," Luna said cheerfully. "May I also be the first mate?" Luna asked as she gave Harry a lazy grin. "Hermione can be second . . . or she can come with, I don't mind sharing."
"Moving right along," Sinistra ignored Luna's attempts to bait Hermione. "We need an Engineer, a Purser, and Gunnery officer for each side of the ship."
"We'll take care of the Gunnery," Padma said after a glance at her sister. "And we could also be the purser, our father owns and runs his own shop."
"Great, all we need now is an Engineer," she said with a grin. "Anyone?" Sinistra asked. "Ok, for the engineer we need someone that's good at making coffee and taking care of animals."
"Animals?"
"Salamanders are used in place of fire," Sinistra explained, "much easier for everyone that way."
"Oh . . . why making coffee?"
"Tradition states that the black gang has the best coffee."
"The Black Gang... I've heard of them. Aren't they the people that ride in the bilge and get the worst jobs possible?" Hermione asked.
"Yes and have no fear we already have three volunteers for the position."
Sinistra opened up a wardrobe exposing three Slytherin students, that Harry spent far too much time around in his opinion, bound and gagged.
"Is that legal?" Hermione asked, eyes wide.
"Legal only counts until you are five miles off the coast, dear. After that it's The Code of The Sea and The Code of The Sea states that anyone that tries to place monitoring charms in my shower has volunteered for the Black Gang."
Luna grinned. "The Code of The Sea is written by the ship's Master for each ship, isn't it?"
"You catch on quick. You might also note that the First Mate's duties are written by the First Mate. It's these little things that make life at sea so much fun."
Harry felt a shiver run down his spine, but as it felt quite a bit better then the usual shiver he got he shrugged it off. He would not regret that decision later.
Sinistra turned back to their 'volunteers' with a sinister look on her face. "Hope you boys are ready for bad food, low pay, rum, buggery, and the lash."
Two of the three shared a look and Goyle cleared his throat and raised his hand with an inquisitive look on his face.
"Yes?"
"What's the catch?"
"Uh . . . no catch."
"And we get paid for this?"
"Very little but . . ."
"No going back on it now," Crabbe interjected, "we've got an agreement."
"Fine," Sinistra agreed, ignoring Draco's outraged expression. No doubt he'd be whining about his father if he hadn't been gagged. "Takes all the fun of Shanghaiing someone if they like it though. You boys stay here and make sure Draco doesn't escape," Sinistra sighed, "you Weasley."
"Yes?"
"Congratulations, you're the Engineer. Do a good job and all will be well, do a bad one and you might kill your best friend. Now come along children. We need to buy a ship and get provisioned."
"Wait," a very pale Ron said, "what do you mean kill Harry?"
"He's the chief diver, the engines run the air compressor and the winch. You don't maintain the engine properly and he gets stuck on the bottom with no air." Not really, she figured Harry had more then enough magical power to get himself out of any trouble they were likely to run into on such as short cruse but she figured knowing the worst case scenario would motivate the boy in ways a bad grade could not. "Never forget that the sea is a very dangerous place . . . which is why I love these releases your signed when you were enrolled."
"Releases?"
"How else do you think we stay in business with everything that goes on around here?" Sinistra laughed. "For most of you, this will be the most dangerous thing you've ever done . . . for Mr. Potter it should be nothing special since unlike some of your past Professors, I'm not going to actively work towards your death." She tossed a handful of floo powder into the fire. "Cammell Laird."
The students followed their Professor thorough the fire and emerged to the smell of pitch and pine.
"What can I do for yeh?"
"Here to buy a ship," Sinistra said calmly, "small salvage vessel with steam and sail."
"Got just the thing for you," the man said with a grin.
"Oh?"
"Newly built two masted steam screw brigantine," he said with a grin, "one of the salvage companies had it built then made a big find."
"And decided that since they had the money, why not go big."
"Bingo," he agreed.
"What's the displacement?"
"One hundred and twenty nine tons," he replied, "eleven foot draft with a ninety foot deck."
"Let's see it."
"Right this way," he agreed. He led them down the pier and up the gang plank. "What do you think?"
"I think it's good to be back on a ship," Sinistra said with a grin, "like coming home."
"Why'd you decide to become a Professor at Hogwarts if you like the sea so much?" Hermione asked curiously.
"I used to work as a navigator on a salvage vessel," Aurora said absently as she inspected the ship. "Got my master's papers but I couldn't find a master's berth."
"Because you're a woman?"
"Because I don't have enough bloody experience," she corrected, "shouldn't be a problem after I quit Hogwarts. Do a good job as the Astronomy Professor at Hogwarts for a few years and you can write your own ticket."
"Oh."
"How hard is it find crew these days?" She directed her question to the shipwright.
"Ship comes with a full house elf crew," the man said proudly. "Mostly inexperienced but they seem to be good elves all the same. Bosun's an elf named salty, just got the job but e'knows is stuff."
"What?" Hermione squawked.
"Problem?" Sinistra asked.
"I won't learn on a slave ship," Hermione said firmly, "it's wrong."
"What do you mean slave ship?" Aurora growled.
"The House Elves," Hermione snapped, "I won't come along unless they get paid . . . neither will Harry and Ron."
"What? Of course the crew gets paid," Aurora said with a frown, "how else would they pay for their whores."
"I thought the crew was made of of House Elves?" Hermione asked in confusion.
"And?"
"And they pay for whores?" She asked reluctantly.
"Every decent sized port has a house elf brothel," Sinistra lectured, "I'll take you to one some time if you ask nicely."
"Urk."
Ron just watched with sparkling eyes, he'd never seen Hermione put in her place so quickly or effectively.
"Price?" Sinistra asked.
"Here." The shipwright handed her a slip of paper.
"Done," she said after a quick glance, "pleasure doing business with you."
"Likewise."
"What now Professor?"
"Now we go to pick up your slops," Sinistra replied, "and then to Cooke, Troughton & Simms to get your instruments."
"What kind of instruments?"
"A good sextant, a pocket telescope, that sort of thing."
"Oh."
"And a few other things for Misses Lovegood and Granger," Sinistra added, "since they're the Surgeon and Navigator."
IIIIIIIIII
"We found Madame Umbridge sir," Amelia said with a grave look on her face.
"What happened?" Fudge demanded.
"Looks like she had a run in with the Naked Vandals," Amelia said. "We haven't been able to get any information from her due to her condition but . . ."
"What condition?"
"I'm afraid she's catatonic sir," Amelia said.
"I want you to find the Naked Vandals and bring them to justice," Fudge screamed, "find them and find them now."
"Will do Minister," Amelia agreed.
"Do whatever you must, just find them."
"Happy to oblige Minister."
IIIIIIIIII
They walked into the shop and the shopkeeper began watching Harry with a frown on his face.
"Hey," the man behind the counter said, "aren't you one of those two kids who ran through the Alley naked the other day?"
"I'm sure you must have me confused with someone else," Harry said firmly.
"No it was you and your buddy fire crotch," the man continued cheerfully, "tell you what. Since you gave me such a good laugh, why don't I give you everything for thirty percent off?"
"Their equipment is being taken care of by the Hogwarts Astronomy Department," Aurora entered the conversation. It was none of her business what her crew did while on land. Well, not beyond doing whatever it took to make sure they got out of jail in time to set sail anyway.
"I'll give you thirty then," the man said, "and I got something special for them."
"What's that?"
"Got a new type of steal they're making things out of," he enthused, "absolutely won't rust. Something to do with using nitrogen."
"Interesting, how much to outfit my whole crew?"
"Only have a dozen knives," he said regretfully.
"I'll take them."
"They also sent two cutlasses," he continued, "and I'd be honored to know that the infamous Naked Vandals were the first men to own them."
"Deal."
"Uh . . . Professor?
"What is it Ms. Granger?"
"I read an article on metallurgy and they talked about that alloy."
"They have anything bad to say about it?"
"No, it's just . . ."
"Yes?"
"It was a muggle magazine I read the article in."
"And?"
"And what's it doing in a magic shop?"
"Use whatever works if your life is on the line," Aurora said sternly, "so called 'purity' has no place in a dangerous environment. I thought you'd understand that."
"I do Professor," Hermione said quickly, "I just didn't think . . ."
"I understand."
They spent the rest of the day supplying the crew and when they returned to Hogwarts, Sinistra took the pursuer aside and dismissed the remainder of the class.
"Have fun," she advised, "and pack up. We'll store your school supplies here so put anything you can't live without in your sea chest."
"Yes Professor," they agreed.
"And be here early tomorrow, we're leaving with the tide . . . if the Captain agrees of course."
"Uh . . . yeah," Harry stammered when every eye in the room turned to look at him.
"You guys go ahead," Hermione said as she bit her lower lip, "I need to ask the Professor something."
"Books?"
"Yeah," Hermione agreed.
"Come on Harry," Ron said, "I got something to show you."
"What is it?"
"In a minute," Ron replied. They returned to their dorm and packed with a couple flicks of their wands.
"Well?"
"Check it out mate," Ron said as he handed Harry another bottle.
"Nelson's Funeral Fluid: 'Finest Rum that comes by the drum.' Are you sure this is a good idea Ron?" Harry asked. "You remember what happened last time."
"No actually," Ron said, waving off Harry's concerns. "I don't, so it couldn't be that bad could it?"
"I guess not," Harry allowed.
"Bottoms up then."
"Here's to tapping the Admiral," Harry agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
"We've got a name for one of the Naked Vandals, the one with a tattoo on his ass."
"Well?" Amelia asked.
"Meester Reddowndere, obviously a pseudonym."
"Obviously," Amelia agreed dryly.
"We also have a good description of the tattoo."
"Oh?"
"Skull and crossbones . . ."
"So he's a Death Eater," Amelia mused.
"I don't think that . . ."
"And since Fudge has ordered us to stop them, he's ordered us to stop Death Eaters."
"Oh . . . understood ma'am."
AN: I wanted to give Sinistra an interesting background since she's fairly two dimensional in the books. Thanks go to dogbertcarroll, sorenkanzaki.
Omake by Ed Becerra
"The Dark Thingy did NOT appear in my office, Amelia! It was just -just some pranksters! Some pranksters who thought it would be funny to try and embarrass me! And I want you to arrest them!"
"Arrest who? If it wasn't You-Know-Who, then who was it?"
"I don't care! Just arrest someone! ANYONE! The usual suspects! It doesn't matter! Just do it!"
Addition by SlickRCBD
"Wait! It was Potter! That lying, attention-seeking brat set the whole thing up in a desperate attempt to embarrass me. Have an arrest warrent issued for him immediately. I want him in Azkaban for sedition."
Omake by Ronnie McMains II
1.) The First Mate shall personally ensure the Captain's bed is always warm.
2.) The First Mate shall personally ensure the Captain has been properly
bathed each morning, night, and after each dive.
2a.) It is entirely proper that the First Mate ensure this by bathing
the Captain personally.
3.) The First Mate shall personally ensure the Captain does not suffer
from high levels of stress, using whatever means are at the First Mate's
disposal.
Addition by me:
"You know," Sinistra said after reading the first three rules, "I was just kidding when I said you got to write out your own rules but good initiative."
"Does that mean you approve?" Luna asked shyly.
"Why not," Aurora agreed with a grin. If for no other reason then the potential for entertainment. "But these really don't seem like duties for the first mate."
"They don't?" Luna drooped.
"Nope, they look more like the duties of the ship's surgeon to me. The first three anyway, health, welfare, and all that. "
"Yes, but you didn't say the Ship's Surgeon made her own rules. But that's even better, because even the Captain has to listen to the Surgeon when it comes to medical matters . . ."
Later . . .
"What are you doing in my bed Luna?" Harry asked blearily.
"We're hot bunking," Luna replied, "since my cabin got condemned as a health risk I'm staying with you." She decided to leave unsaid the fact that she was the one who'd condemned her cabin, Harry was better off not knowing some things.
"That normally refers to people sleeping in the same bed consecutively, rather than concurrently Luna," Harry said wearily.
"I'm sure it doesn't," Luna said after a moment of thought, "now come to bed."
Omake by davidiusbrown
"Harry, the Captain of any sea vessel is required to have a bed warmer. Didn't you watch 'Roots' when it was on the telly? My Muggle Studies professor said all the muggles watched it."
"But, but Luna..."
"Harry, it's for your own good. Imagine what Hermione would say if she found a house elf in your bed. Or would you prefer...I guess I could order one of the Black Gang to sleep with you?"
Harry said nothing. He started shaking in fear. They were only a day from port and he had already heard stories about the dark wet happenings down in the dark wet bilge.
"See Harry, you need a bed warmer. You're shivering so much, you're likely to come down with consumption. Or scurvy. No matter, as Ship's Surgeon, Starfleet regulations allow me to override your authority for your own good. Now come to bed, Captain. That's an order."
"Starfleet? Luna, that's only on the telly."
"Harry, Harry, Harry. We're on a ship, right?"
"Yes."
"And we're here to study navigating by the stars, right?"
"Yes."
"So this is a starship. Get into bed."
Yes, in the mini-series Roots, the sea captain commanding the ship that took Kunte Kinte to Annapolis, Maryland was given an African woman to warm his bed for the trip across the Atlantic.
"What do you mean by 'Do I want a job?'", Hermione exclaimed.
"Well, it's a job, see. And you could make good galleons. And house elves, well, they have needs, and they seem to like you, Granger."
"Ron!"
"Hermione!"
"I THOUGHT TIPPY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!" They both yelled as one.
Addition by dogbertcarroll
crack
"Tippy is her Miss... Why is Miss on a ship?"
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. "Well... It's a class assignment and apparently we forgot to make sure you came along."
"Tippy understands, but Tippy couldn't possibly take up her... duties unless she belonged to a family." The female house elf said apologetically.
"Um..."
"You know, it's not that bad a job. The pay's good and being navigator you have all sort of free time to handle them." Ron interrupted.
"How'd you like to be my house elf?" Hermione shouted.
"I thought you were against enslavement?"
"Shut up, Ron. I'll... just be her employer and consider it a lifelong contract. That's legal."
Tippy smiled and adjusted her pillowcase so that it hung off one shoulder. "Tippy best get to work then!"
Omake by me:
"You boys want to come out of the bunker and get hammocks?" Sinistra asked.
Before Draco had a chance to agree, Crabbe pushed him out of the way. "Oh no," the dull boy said with a frown, "the ships papers say we get to sleep in the coal bunker and have our mess in the bilge. We're not going to let you trick us into giving that up."
"All right then," she said with a smile, "just making sure."
Related omake by Ed Becerra
Goyle looked at Crabbe.
Crabbe looked at Goyle.
"We get rum. With our meals."
"Every day. We don't even have to pay for it."
"Where the hell was she during our First year?"
Omake by Ikari Shinji - the next time they drink-
Hermione: laying naked between the two "You two were so vigorous last night." giggles "I've never been Dutch Double Doored before."
Harry: looks at Ron
Ron: looks at Harry Both: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Hermione: "Don't worry, i made sure your balls never touched so it's
not gay."
Something related provided by davidiusbrown
If Luna's father is the Captain, this applies:
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Put him in the bed with Captains daughter.
Put him in the bed with Captains daughter.
Put him in the bed with Captains daughter early in the morning.
And the classic:
I joined the Navy
to see the world
And what did I see?
I saw the sea.
I saw the Atlantic
and the Pacific
and the Atlantic
isn't romantic
and the Pacific
isn't what it's cracked up to be.
I joined the Navy
to do or die.
But I didn't do.
And I didn't die.
I just saw the ocean
and the sky.
And what did I see?
I saw the sea.
And by meteoricshipyards
Ron: I joined the navy to see the girls, but what did I see? I saw the sea. Instead of some brunets in a taxi I saw nothing but the Black Sea, And the Black Sea's not what it's cracked up to be!
(Harry comes up with his arms around Hermione and brown haired Sally Anne)
Harry: Speak for yourself.