Disclaimer: Rum, Buggery, and The Lash
Tradition : See Above
"Oh god I'm never gonna drink again," Harry groaned.
"Curse whoever forced that bottle of demon rum on us," Ron agreed.
"What happened last night?"
"I don't remember mate," Ron said thoughtfully, "but I think I got laid."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Ron agreed, "bet she was hot too."
IIIIIIIIIII
"Minister."
"What is it?" Fudge demanded.
"Madame Umbridge has recovered from her cationic state," the flunky said nervously.
"Oh?" Fudge asked. "What happened?"
"Uh . . ."
"Out with it man," Fudge snapped.
"One of the Naked Vandals did it sir."
"What, how?"
"Turns out, all you need is love."
IIIIIIIIIII
"You sure?"
"I wouldn't nail a girl that wasn't mega hot Harry," Ron said arrogantly.
"Damn, we gotta go meet Sinistra and the others."
"Come on mate," Ron offered Harry a hand and frowned when the other boy winced. "You okay?"
"I think so," Harry replied, "but my hand is sore for some reason."
IIIIIIIIIII
"More information on the latest attack by the Naked Vandals Madame Bones."
"Let's have it," Amelia sighed.
"The dark haired one shouted, and I quote 'ahm Se'vs Snap bitch.' Right before breaking Auror Dawlish's jaw with a right cross."
"Did Dawlish get a good look at his attacker?"
"No Madame Bones."
"Very well, have Severus Snape brought in for questioning."
"Yes Madame Bones."
IIIIIIIIIII
"Hey Luna," Harry said as they walked into the Astronomy tower to join their class, "could you take a look at my hand?"
"Of course I could Harry," Luna agreed. She pulled out her wand and made a few odd movements. "You seem to have cracked one of the small bones. Hold still and I'll have everything working the way it's supposed to."
"Thanks Luna."
"It's my job Harry."
"Everybody here then?" Sinistra asked loudly. "Then we've got just one thing to do before commissioning the ship and sailing out on the tide."
"What's that?"
"Figuring out a name for her," Sinistra said with a smile.
"Since it's a salvage vessel," Padma began, "why don't we call it the Free-Enterprise."
"No," Sinistra said firmly, "can't happen."
"Why not?"
"It can't be any variation of enterprise because let's face it 'fate protects fools, little children and ships called Enterprise' and with the crew on this ship we all know that ain't happening" Several eyes turned to look at Harry.
"How about Fate's Bitch then?" Luna suggested brightly. "Or the Universe's Spittoon?"
"With that kind of attitude we might as well name it Titanic." Harry groaned.
"That's a lovely name." Luna replied.
"Fits." Sinistra nodded.
"I was kidding!" Harry complained while everyone agreed that it was the perfect name and started discussing what color to paint the ships name on. "We are not naming the ship the Titanic."
"Awww. But it's such a lovely name."
"No."
"How about the . . ."
IIIIIIIIIII
"Damn it," Snape sneered, "where are Potter and his merry band of idiots?" And where's Draco and the others, he thought. He'd have to inform the Headmaster of the latest shenanigans. Before he had a chance to remove several thousand points from his least favorite students, the door burst open and several burly Aurors walked in.
"You're coming with us," they said as their massive fists pummeled the Potions master for 'resisting arrest.
After the Aurors had left, Neville pulled out his wand and cast a perfect corporeal patronus charm.
"Guess all I needed was a happy enough memory," Neville mused.
Hanna sighed, she had been hoping to provide him with a happy memory to cast the charm, now she would have to figure out another way to approach him.
Susan patted her on the back. "It's ok, we'll figure something out. Us Puffs aren't quitters!"
IIIIIIIIIII
"Glad that's taken care of," Sinistra said in relief.
"Who'd have thought we'd all be able to agree on a name," Hermione agreed.
"And it's such a perfect name too," Luna said dreamily.
"Your things have been moved to the ship and stowed," Sinistra said, "everyone grab hold of the portkey and away we go."
IIIIIIIIIII
"Alright then Severus," Amelia said cheerfully, "we'd like to give you a truth potion and wring your mind for every shred of information we can find. Due to a recent ruling, I have to inform you that you have a choice of wether to drink the potion . . ."
"Absolutely not," Snape sneered.
"Or take it rectally," Amelia continued. "And since you don't want to drink it."
"I loath you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall," Severus managed to scream.
"Are you sure this is legal Madame Bones?"
"The ruling said we have to give them a choice of wether or not they want to drink a truth potion," Amelia replied, "if they don't want to drink it then we have to administer it rectally. Seems clear enough to me."
IIIIIIIIIII
They boarded the ship and Sinistra ordered everything made ready, adding that everyone should double check their areas to insure that all was in order. As the ship's master, that meant that she had to triple check everything for herself. Everything seemed to be in order until she heard a loud argument in the ship's galley. She walked in to investigate and found two house elves in the midst of a heated argument.
"What seems to be the problem here?" She asked mildly.
"Dobby is Harry Potter Sir's cook," the little elf growled, "Dobby will not let strange elf cook for Harry Potter sir."
"Sloppy is ship cook," the other house elf growled back.
"Why are you Mr. Potter's cook?"
"Dobby is always Harry Potter sir's cook," Dobby replied, not taking his eyes off the other house elf. "Always is."
"Why don't I just step out for a few minutes to let you two resolve things between yourselves?" Sinistra suggested. She closed the door and studiously ignored the sounds of violence coming from the galley. A few minutes later, the door opened and Dobby flung the other house elf out. "Everything been resolved then?" She asked, ignoring the badly beaten house elf on the deck.
"Dobby is Harry Potter sir's cook, Dobby will also cook for other ship offeysers, sloppy can cook for crew."
"Glad you found a way to compromise," Sinistra said happily. It was so nice to see the crew resolving their differences rather then bothering her or the cadet captain. With that thought, she went on the prowl to see what else she could find.
IIIIIIIIIII
"You know mate," Ron said as they made their inspections, "I know I nailed a mega hot chick last night but what did you do?"
"I'm sure I didn't do anything too big," Harry said after a moment of thought, "nothing anyone will notice."
"Probably," Ron agreed, "how hard could it be to stay out of the spot light for a day."
IIIIIIIIIII
"That's right," the owner of the Chudley Cannons said firmly, "the Naked Vandals are on our team so when one of them knocked out the rest of the team before mounting a broom and beating the Harpies single handedly is a valid tactic."
"I don't know about that," the official said doubtfully.
"Where in the rules does it say that you can't foul your own team mates?" The owner challenged.
"No where but . . ."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Exactly how long have the Naked Vandals been members of your team?"
"Since the black haired one knocked out the rest of his team mates," the owner replied with a smirk, "the red haired one became a member after I was told that there are two of them."
"Well . . . everything seems to be in order."
IIIIIIIIIII
"Winky is taking care of sick people," the house elf insisted.
"Loona is jobbed with taking care of sick people," Luna replied with a smile, "Luna's job. Not Winky."
"Winky's job."
"Luna's job."
"What seems to be the trouble girls?" Sinistra asked with a sigh.
"Winky is jobbed with taking care of sick people," the house elf said firmly, "Dobby is saying so."
"Luna is jobbed with taking care of sick people," Luna said cheerfully, "Sinny is saying so."
"Sinny?" Aurora said dryly. "Winky, you're Luna's loblolly elf. That means you cook for the patients, clean, and assist her."
"Winky gets to cook and clean?" The elf said with sparkeling eyes. "Deal. Winky gets to clean, Luuuna doesn't," she crowed.
"But Luuuuna wants to clean," Luna protested.
"Too bad," Sinistra interjected. "You're the surgeon, she's the loblolly elf."
"Awww."
"Ha, Winky is winning."
"Is not."
"Is so."
"Why don't I just leave you two alone?" Aurora suggested as she took her leave. She walked up to the deck and took one last look around. "Is everything ready to go Mr. Potter?"
"Yes Professor," Harry agreed.
"Helmsman, take us out of the harbor."
IIIIIIIIIII
"Good afternoon Madame Bones, my name is Dirk Chudley and I understand that you have one of my players in custody?"
"Which one?" She asked mildly, mentally reviewing the list of people she had in her holding cells.
"The black haired Naked Vandal."
"Ah," she said in understanding, "I'm afraid that was all a misunderstanding. We apprehended a dangerous Death Eater who claimed to be one of the notorious Naked Vandals."
"I see, thank you Madame Bones. Apologies for any misunderstanding and please contact me if you happen to apprehend one of my players in the future."
"Of course," she agreed, "feel free to drop by any time to inspect the cells. Never know if one of our inmates might happen to be one of your new players."
"I'll do that, thanks." He said with a pleased smile. "In fact, I think I'll do that right now."
"It was just a joke," she said to the closing door, "oh well."
AN: Made a small change to the first part of this. Dogbertcarroll, David, and pudiwen2001all had a hand in making this.
Omake: The Shape of Things to Come?
"Pull him up on deck," Sinistra ordered. She watched as the students dragged the heavy dive suit containing shivering Harry Potter up onto the deck. "Get his helmet off."
"Thanks," Harry said between gasps of fresh air. "That was a fun one."
"Oh?"
"Yeah," Harry said with a nod, "I understand what you mean about mixed gas now."
"Good," Sinistra said with a grin, "get the suit off him."
"Wait," Harry said franticly, "I'm not wearing anything under this."
"You're going to have to get used to lack of privacy around your ship mates," Sinistra sighed. "Fine, who do you want to help you?"
"Ron and Hermione."
"You heard him," Sinistra barked, "get him to his state room and get him into some dry clothes."
The two students manhandled their friend off the deck and into his tiny room.
"Sit down Harry," Ron suggested. Hermione gasped when she saw the network of scars covering her friend's torso and opened her mouth to say something only to be silenced by a look from Ron.
"Thanks guys," Harry said after the suit had been stripped off and he'd been wrapped in a warm blanket. "I can take it from here."
"Right," Ron agreed, "come on Hermione."
"Oh, and tell Luna that I've got a specimen for her."
"Will do."
"Ron," she gasped after they'd left the room, "those scars."
"Yeah," Ron said, "Harry's real sensitive about them, you don't want to look at them but you can't help yourself sometimes. S'why he wanted us to bring him in here. He's been having me stand watch while he showers so the others don't get a peak for a long time now and since the other blokes are good about pretending they don't know most of the time so it all works out."
"His uncle?" Hermione asked, biting her lower lip in distress.
"Some of em I think," Ron said reluctantly, "others are from his cousin but I think most of them come from his bloody lack of luck."
"Oh . . . why . . . never mind."
"Just pretend you didn't see them," Ron advised, "and don't ask about them. He really hates it when people ask about them."
"Thanks Ron."
"What're friends for Hermione."
On their way out, they passed their Professor who was making her way towards Harry's state room.
"Harry," Sinistra said as she knocked on the door, "are you decent?"
"Come in Professor," Harry replied.
"Now what's all this about not changing on deck?" She demanded.
"It's just," Harry lifted a corner of his shirt to reveal his scars. "I'm not exactly pretty."
"That's it?" Sinistra asked with a laugh. "You think you're the only one who looks like a bloody patch work quilt? Like I've said before," she said as she pulled up a corner of her shirt to reveal a wicked scar. "The sea is a dangerous place. This is from a bar fight in a little no where port, I went in to drag out some of our crew and one of their playmates didn't want the game to end so he gave me this." Her finger traced the scar. "I've got 'em all over my body, but as you're a student I'm afraid we'll have to forgo playing show and tell."
"Right," Harry agreed with a blush.
"You may have a lot of them but I think you'll find that most people in this business won't bat an eye."
"Guess the sea is a lot different from the land."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Don't wizards have a taboo about scars?" Harry asked in confusion. "Ron's always looking at mine and the other boys in my dorm always pretend not to see them . . . hell the whole bloody world seems to be obsessed with my forehead sometimes."
"Landsmen," she said in disgust. "Think nothing of them. To a sailor they just means you've lived."
Harry groans. Then pauses for a minute. "Wait, are you saying that these other scars are the onest that are really labeling me the 'Boy-Who-Lived' and not the one on my forehead? That I've actually EARNED that title, instead of it being inherited as a result of my mother's sacrifice?"
"Of course. That little memento on your noggin may have given you the moniker, but it's the others that have truly earned it for you. Stop hiding them at sea and see how experienced sailors respond to you. I expect a fair amount of respect for who you really are, truthfully. Life is pain, anyone who says different is trying to sell you something."
Back on deck, Hermione returned to the group only to find that Luna had already found her gift . . .
"Look what Harry brought me," Luna said. In her hand she held a small silver and black fish with ear like fins on its head. "It's a sling-digget."
"No it's not Luna," Hermione said in a superior tone.
"Then what is it?" Luna challenged.
"It's . . . ohhhh, I don't know. But I can assure you that it is definitely not a sling-digget."
"Is so."
"Is not." Hermione reddened when she realized how childish her response.
"Is so."
"What seems to be the problem girls?" Sinistra asked mildly.
"Hermione is trying to butt in on my job," Luna said with a pout. "She says that this fish is not a sling-digget."
"Ms. Granger, unless you want Ms. Lovegood determining our location . . ."
"That's okay professor," Hermione said quickly.
"So what is it?" Aurora asked after Hermione was gone.
"Equetus acuminatus, commonly called a Hi-Hat."
"Is there a reason you need to bait Ms. Granger like that?"
"She needs to learn to relax," Luna said contritely, "that or get laid and since the only boys on this boat are the black gang who no girl would touch on a bet. Ron who isn't a possibility, and Harry . . ."
"And you want Harry for yourself right."
"I really don't mind sharing," Luna said quickly. "Sometimes you like apples and sometimes you like oranges, I like them both at once."
"Spare me the details of your personal life please."
"Sorry Professor, I'm just saying that I don't mind sharing with . . . friendly girls. I just don't think Hermione will go for it and I know Harry wouldn't unless I got to him first."
"So you've settled on trying to find a way to get Ms. Granger to relax then?"
"Yes Professor."
"You know a good captain doesn't diddle his crew right?"
"Not any of them?" Luna asked in disappointment.
"Well . . . traditionally it was part of the cabin boy's job," Sinistra admitted.
"Then . . ."
"Yes it's too late to become the cabin boy."
"Well . . . Harry isn't the real captain," Luna mused.
"True, it's also bad form to diddle your students so I'm out twice. Have fun Ms. Lovegood."
"Thank you Professor."
"And if you don't mind me making a suggestion?"
"What is it Professor?"
"Start using the real names for the fish if they sound odd enough," Sinistra said with a grin, "or translate the latin names if they don't. Imagine the look on Hermione's face when she realizes that you've been right the whole time."
"Do you think her head will explode?" Luna asked with a giggle. "Thank you for the suggestion Professor."
"Any time Ms. Lovegood. One more thing?"
"Yes Professor?"
"Why did you say that Mr. Weasley wasn't a possibility."
"I've seen the way he looks at Harry in the Gryffindor showers," Luna replied.
"Oh . . . wait, how did you . . . carry on Ms. Lovegood."
"Yes Professor."
AN: Let's see now, Harry thinks that the wizard world is obsessed with scars. Ron thinks that Harry is really sensitive about them. Hermione is under the impression that they're all from the horribly cliché horribly abusive childhood and she thinks that Luna is serious. Luna thinks that Ron is gay. And everyone is wrong. SlickRCBD and dogbertcarroll provided scenes for the above.
OMAKE: Purser
"Now on the surface, the job of Purser seems to be fairly easy."
"Don't you just have to keep the ship stores?" Parvati asked.
"Hand give the crew their rum ration and arrange cargo and sell the slops and you have to have a bit of larceny in your souls," Sinistra agreed. "Just remember that you may be evil bastards but you're our evil bastards, cheat the hell out of everyone that isn't on this ship."
"Ok," Padma agreed,
"And a little skimming off the top is accepted, even expected . . . just don't do so much that the ship suffers."
Omake: Shore
"I gave strict instructions that only the ship's captain was to come to shore," the customs inspector said coldly.
"He's the Captain," Sinistra said with a nod to Harry. "I'm the ship's master."
"Cadets?"
"On the nose."
"That's different then," he said in a much warmer tone. The man turned to Harry. "Do you have any large quantities of alcohol, narcotics, pornography, or hallucenogenics intended for resale?"
"No," Harry replied, prompted by Sinistra's head shake.
"Would you like some?"
"Harry, why don't you go across the street and have a drink while I finish up here?" Sinistra ordered.
"Yes Professor."
"He's a good kid," Sinistra said with a fond smile, "give him another ten or twenty years and he might be a good captain. Now then, here's a list of what I've got in terms of provisions."
"Don't worry about it," the customs inspector waved it off, "you've got cadets so I've suddenly discovered my ability not to be a bastard."
"Appreciate it," Sinistra said with a grin, "nice of you not to add to my problems."
"Figure you have enough, what with having a ship full of cadets and all."
"Well I . . ." she cut off when she noticed a ruckus coming from the watering hole she'd sent Harry. "Be right back."
"Take your time."
Sinistra burst into the bar to find Harry using a chair to hold off two rough looking characters armed with knives.
"Can't leave you alone for five bloody minutes can I?" She said as she coshed one of the belligerents. "You seem to have a problem with my student?" She said to the other.
"Boy doesn't know his place," the drunk slurred.
"Harry."
"Yes Professor." Harry broke the chair over the man's head.
"Next time use your wand, two quick spells and it would've all been over." She sighed then raised her voice to address the room. "Can I go back to what I was doing or does someone else want to pick a fight with my student?"
"Leave the boy with us Aurora," a voice said from one of the darker corners. "We'll look out for him."
"Bax?"
"The very same," the woman agreed, "would've jumped in earlier if I knew he belonged to you."
"Thanks Bax."
"What're friends for Aurora."
Omake by dogbertcarroll
"I understand there's a problem?"
"I'm sorry professor, but we seem to be lacking a little something that was promised in out contract." Goyle said firmly.
"The coffee?"
"Nah, coffee is fantastic!" Crabbe spoke up, Draco nodding along with him.
"The poor wages?"
"Nah, we're getting paid just enough to hit the houself brothel, so we're good."
"The buggery?"
"We got that covered." Goyle said proudly, as Draco winced behind him.
"Bad food?"
"Reminds me of my Mum's attempts at cooking when the houselves were sick." Crabbe said with a tear in his eye.
"Then what did we miss?"
"The lash, woman! We were promised a certain amount of lashing and so far we haven't received a single lick!" Draco complained.
"Oh, well... as a teacher I'm not sure I'm allowed to engage in certain activities like that with students."
"But Snape..." Whatever Goyle was about to say was muffled by his friends hands covering his mouth.
Padma popped up behind the ship's master. "Did you say lash? As in Mistress Padma please give me another stroke?" She smiled with a sadistic gleam in her eye.
Sinistra carefully backed away from the four. "I think you've all got this covered so I have to do something else... elsewhere."
Mini omake by dogbertcarroll:
I was going to toss in something about Luna teaching him pearl diving and magical bearded clams...
Two sailors from a nearby ship:
"Most amazing pearl diver I ever saw."
"He's got the magic touch alright. Only..."
"What?"
"Most divers have to use crowbars to open up those giant clams and
he's the only diver I've ever saw that doesn't use his hands at all."
Omake by thecaitiffwriter
"We'll call her The Floating Deathtrap!" Professor Sinastra said proudly once everyone had arrived on the pier.
"Are you sure that's appropriate?" Hermione had a natural reluctance to question her teacher's judgment but every once in a while she just had to speak up.
"We only lost three last year," Aurora confided, "but I'm sure we can do better this summer. We even brought our own trouble magnet so there's no point diving for the cursed gold that we had to leave on
last year's ship. Unless things get too boring anyway..."
"Come on Hermione," Ron started towards the gang plank with a cocksure smile. "What's the worst that could happen?"
A horrified look crossed the poor girls face and she could feel the doom settling in around them, "Are you trying to get us all killed? You're deliberately taunting Murphy!"
Harry grinned and followed his oldest friend onto the ship, "Hermione, if there's anything Hogwarts has taught me it's that Murphy was an optimist."
Omake by sorenkanzaki
"Hermione, it's a long established naval tradition that the Captain should have the best food."
"But Luna, house elf slavery is wrong! Making them work harder to prepare a special meal ..."
"It says so in 'Spithead: A History'!"
"What? It does not!"
"Have you read 'Spithead: A History'?"
"Of course I have!"
"Well, it's right there, just before the chapter on 'One thousand and one knots and hitches for lonely sailors' but after 'How to properly enjoy a giving (and receiving) a traditional English buggering'."
"..."
"Were you too distracted by the illustrations?"
Omake by moshehim
Aboard the U.S.S. Nashville a chief petty officer looked up from the monitor he was watching, lifting his hand to his headpiece. 'What the fuck?' he thought. They have been tracking a sailboat for a while now, but this... "Sir," he called his commander, "you better take a look at this!"
The lieutenant picked up a pair of earphones and listened in on what
the chief caught. 'What the fuck?' he, too, thought.
Standing orders were not to report biological objects, unless directly ordered otherwise. However... "Con, sonar, Cap'n, you better come and listen to this.
Aboard the "Whatitsname" Hermione gritted her teeth in frustration. "Luna!" she cried. "Stop enchanting the ship! And release those whales right now!"
"That's not a whale, it's a humpback-" Luna started to say, only to be cut off by Hermione.
"No it's not!"
"Yes it is - see? It's humping the back of the ship!"
"Yes, I can see that all too well, now stop it this instant!"
"Oh, poo!"
Omake by moshehim
"Draco, what are you doing?"
"What's it to you, Mudblo-?" Draco's drivel was cut off by a sound lashing from mistress Padma.
"It looked like you were- you were-"
"This is my nany goat!" said Draco proudly.
"Oh Lord." said Hermione, and walked away.
[Optional: "I'll be buggering her later, too!"
Omake by: Thats for me to know and you not to...at least for now
"I really like the ship name we decided on." Luna happily
stated. "It's a shame that the HMS Shag at Sea was taken. I may have
to contact this...Nigel Powers to see if I can visit sometime and get
more ideas."
"Nigel Powers, I wonder if he's related to the Austin Powers my mother
talks highly of." said Hermione. She filed that away to ask her
mother in her next letter.
The Wombat
It was on the Good Ship Venus,
by Merlin you shoulda seen us,
the figurehead was a whore in bed
and the masthead was a penis...
(Frigging in the Rigging - great)
And it reatins some (!?!) astronomical relevence and dignity, honest...