Disclaimer: The truth has a habit of being distorted.
Rumors and Oddities
Harry was miserable, it seemed that everything that could go wrong in his life was happening. He'd been entered into a contest that didn't so much have winners as survivors, his best friend Ron along with half the school wasn't speaking to him, the Press was airing a distorted version of his personal life for all to laugh at, and to top it all of a couple of Hufflepuff girls had been giving him odd looks all bloody day.
"What's wrong Harry," Hermione asked sympathetically, "the Prophet again?"
"Let's go to the library," Harry said. He rose from his seat and grabbed his friend by the hand. "Now."
"Okay," Hermione agreed with a shocked look on her face as Harry dragged her out of the Great Hall. "Harry," she said after he'd slowed down, "I'm always happy to go to the library but why are you taking me there now?"
"I just can't stand their looks anymore," Harry replied out of the corner of his mouth.
"Don't let them get you down," Hermione advised, "they don't know the real you. The Harry that would never enter this bloody contest. I know the real you and I trust you to have told me . . . I trust you to have asked my help if you were planning to do it," she ended with a giggle.
"Not them," Harry replied, his eyes darted around the hall.
"Then . . . who?"
"Hanna Abbot and Susan Bones," Harry replied, "they keep looking at me."
"What kind of look?" Hermione asked with a grin. "You are a good catch you know . . . maybe one of them fancy's you." She added nervously.
"I . . . I don't . . . I'm . . . maybe." Harry slowed down as he considered Hermione's idea. 'A good catch? I have most of the magical world against me, the friggin' looneys, how could I be considered a good catch?'
"But you don't think so?"
"No, I don't," he said sourly. 'Probably some plot. I probably have a mole on my bum that means I'm destined to find and be bitten by some horrible creature while fining Helga Hufflpuff's garter belt.'
IIIIIIIIII
"He noticed us," Susan said calmly.
"Uh huh," Hanna agreed, "did you see the look on his face?"
"Yeah," Susan laughed, "I wonder what he's thinking?"
"Who knows how a boy's mind works," Susan said with a shrug.
"Yeah . . . you sure about this?"
"I wrote to Aunt Amelia and she said that he's got the power and that Granger has the grades. I thought she was joking till I did a little research and found out it'd been done before."
"We could always go into the muggle world?"
"We could," Susan said reluctantly.
"Piss on the muggle world," Hanna agreed, "what's good for them is good for them. I can't live without magic."
"What about one of the other countries?"
"What about 'em?" Hanna snorted, thinking of how bizarre some of them where, even in comparison to England.
"Yeah. As much as they're pushing Harry, he's gonna do it anyway."
"And with Weasley gone, there's an open spot . . . maybe two if we tell them we're together. Now's the time to get in on the ground floor."
"Shall we go find Harry?"
"I think we shall."
IIIIIIIIII
"You calmed down yet?" Hermione asked. "Or do you want to hide here in the library for a little while longer? Those girls might be up to something and we can't be too careful, you know how Hufflepuffs are. One second you're fine and the next minute 'BAMN' you're pinned beneath a massive amount of Puffs following their Dark Lord, Pajama The Terror!"
"You're not helping," Harry replied, a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
"One of them probably just likes you," Hermione continued, "what's more likely? That a girl likes you or that it's some sinister plot to destroy the school?"
"Well . . there was Ginny, so it could easily be both at once." Harry said reluctantly.
"See? You're due for a patch of good luck," Hermione said firmly, "now do you want to go do something or would you like to study here?"
"Before you do that." Susan cleared her throat. "Hanna and I would like to have a chat with the two of you."
"Perhaps we could take this to one of the study rooms?" Hanna suggested.
"You had to tempt Murphy didn't you?" Harry shot Hermione a dirty look.
"I'm sure they aren't planning to destroy the school," Hermione said weakly, "right?"
"Why don't we cover that later?" Susan asked with a grin.
"Sorry Harry," Hermione said as the group moved to somewhere more private.
"What's this about then?" Harry asked after the door closed.
"We couldn't help but notice that there's an opening in your little trio and Susan and I were hoping to fill it," Hanna began. "We'd like to fill it . . . if you want another boy then I'm willing to transform and . . ."
"What are you talking about?" Hermione demanded.
"So you weren't in a three way relationship with Harry and Ron then?" Susan asked in surprise.
"NO," Hermione screamed.
"Huh . . . well, this is awkward."
"What did you mean when you said you were willing to transform?" Harry asked, it was like a train wreck in that he couldn't turn away.
"Hmm?" Hanna snapped back to reality. "Just that if you liked boys or if Hermione liked two at once that I was willing to become a boy, why?"
"You can do that?"
"Easily," Hanna said with a nod, "why?" Any number of charms and potions could be used to make the change.
"Don't . . . just don't tell me any details," Harry said sickly.
"Okay," she agreed with a look of confusion on her face.
"You thought that?" Hermione asked with a look of horror on her face.
"Most of the school did . . . well, does." Hanna said with a shrug. "You have to admit that the three of you didn't spend too much time away from each other."
"That doesn't mean that . . ." Hermione trailed off.
"We know that," Susan agreed, "now."
"Was there anything else then?" Harry asked.
"Yeah," Hanna said, "we were hoping to come with you when you made your own country . . . assuming you were willing to agree to the idea that what a girl does in her own home and with whom is her own business so long as it doesn't hurt anyone." She squeezed Susan's hand gently.
"My own country?"
"All it takes is power and my Aunt Amelia thinks you have enough," Susan prompted, "didn't you know all of this?"
"No," Harry replied, "Hermione?"
"I have no idea what they're talking about Harry," Hermione muttered.
"Ok," Susan began, "you've noticed how . . . screwy the laws are in the magical world right?"
"And how the press gets away with bloody murder," Hanna added, "no libel laws like the muggles have."
"And?"
"If you don't like it, leave and make your own country."
"That's what they always say when someone complains," Susan explained, "you get enough people and it's not hard to raise a bit of seabed and make your own island. It's how Atlantis got started, they collapsed the capstone and sank it when the minister went mad and thought the world was plotting against him."
"Make it unplotable and bob's your uncle," Hanna continued, "Susan's Aunt Amelia figured that you had enough power to do it and we figured that Granger had researched all the charms to do it."
"Joining the tournament under a fourth school fit too," Susan continued, "as a student of a fourth school the Hogwarts charter no longer applies to you. You can do any magic you want, wherever you want, and whenever you want. We just sort of figured . . ."
At that moment Vernon shit his pants thinking that someone had stepped on his grave and Harry got a look that made Snape's hair turn white...
"Add in the relationship we thought you two had with Weasley," Susan sighed, "made sense that you wanted to find a place that wouldn't judge you . . . like we do."
"Like you judge me or like you want to find a place that doesn't judge you?"
"The second."
"We were thinking about becoming muggles, but when we figured that you were going to make your own island we just sort of . . . we just wanted to keep using magic."
"Just because I wasn't planing to do it doesn't mean I can't," Harry mused, "it does have a certain appeal doesn't it?"
"Do you want me to start researching how to do it Harry?" Hermione asked.
"Yeah," Harry agreed slowly, "thanks."
"So what about it?" Susan asked, biting her lower lip. "Can Hanna and I join your school and country too?"
"Sure," Harry agreed, "friends?"
"Friends," she agreed.
"Now about you wanting to take Ron's place?"
"Can we talk about that later?" Susan asked with a blush. "It took us two days to work up the courage to approach you two and it's kind of embarrassing to find out that we were wrong about . . . well, you know."
"Drat," Harry muttered, "guess that means no harem for me."
"Harry!" Hermione protested, shocked.
"I've always wanted to lay back on a pillow eating pealed grapes." Harry explained with a snicker.
poof
Harry's chair transformed into a beanbag chair and Dobby handed him a pealed grape.
"Harry Potter sir will be needing elvies in this new land. Elvies who are allowed to clean anything they want as free elves, yes?"
"...I suppose so. As long you leave the peeled grape feeding to human women, and burn that genie outfit you're wearing."
"Is deal!"
AN: Just your standard Harry says to hell with the bloody inbred bastards and forms his own nation. We've all seen it a million times . . . haven't we? Treck, dogbertcarroll, SP, added a bit of much needed polish.
Omake by Red Jacobson
Harry was sitting in the Common Room; staring into the fire while his mind was still occupied with the bizarre conversation with the two Hufflepuffs. It was a couple of days after the conversation in the Library; and; even though he didn't want to know; he couldn't stop himself from wondering just what Hannah meant about being able to switch. Fortunately, that train of thought was derailed by his bushy-haired best friend, who was practically bouncing with excitement as she came through the portrait hole.
Harry smiled at Hermione as she moved to sit down next to him; wondering what she had discovered that had her so excited. He didn't have to wait long as she looked around and saw that there was nobody in listening range, and said quietly, "Harry! You aren't going to believe what I found out as I was researching the charms we need! One of the things you are able to do; since you are establishing your own country; is set your own laws; and; you can give Snuffles asylum! He can be a citizen of your country; and won't have to hide anymore! Isn't that wonderful?"
A huge smile broke out and spread across his face. "And, if he won't have to hide; I can live with him during the Summers! Hermione, that's brilliant!" And, surprising the wits out of Hermione; he put his arms around her and pulled her into a hug.
'Harry's hugging me! Oh, that feels nice, he's never hugged me before.' Hermione thought; before returning the hug.
They sat there, not really noticing the odd looks they were getting as others came into the Common Room; until Ron came in and made a snide comment. Looking up; they both seemed to realize they were still holding each other and broke apart, blushing.
Not-Quite-An-Omake by SP
"You thought that?" Hermione asked with a look of horror on her face.
"Most of the school did . . . well, does." Hanna said with a shrug. "You have to admit that the three of you didn't spend too much time away from each other."
"That doesn't mean that . . ." Hermione trailed off.
"We know that," Susan agreed, "now."
Harry took a speculative glance at Hermione, "I have to admit... It does have a certain appeal, doesn't it?"
Hermione noticed his glance and gasped, "Harry! ...With Ron?"
"Well... No. Lavender, sure... Ginny, maybe... And Draco is almost a girl, but not Ron."
"Add in the relationship we thought you two had with Weasley," Susan sighed, "made sense that you wanted to find a place that wouldn't judge you . . . like we do."
"Like you judge me or like you want to find a place that doesn't judge you?"
"The second."
Harry muttered, "I'd judge you. Probably a 9.7."
"Harry, did you say something?"
"Nothing we can't think about later," he added with a lick of his lips.
Hannah sidled up and whispered quietly, "9.30, 2nd floor, classroom across from the statue of Erodus, the easily allured. Bring the bookworm if you want me to score you."
OMAKE: Conspiracy
"I'm afraid that you'll all have to ignore the evidence exonerating Sirius Black for my plans to proceed," Dumbledore said with an odd look on his face, "that isn't what I wanted to say."
"It's the charms we put up to insure truthfulness," Amelia explained.
"But those were only supposed to work on other people," Dumbledore protested. "That's why I insured that I would be the one to cast them."
"Then it's a good thing I had them recast," Amelia said with a grin, "why does Sirius Black being found innocent affect your plans?"
"Because my current plan is to have Sirius die in front of Harry in the Department of Mysteries, then Voldemort takes control, Harry sacrifices himself for the greater good, and I show the world that I faked my death . . . then we all get pie. That's why I framed Sirius in the first place."
"I see, what else have you done that you don't want anyone to know about?"
"Well," Dumbledore began reluctantly. "To start with, my brother isn't the one that likes to nail goats . . . then I said, do it John he's a tyrant . . . that stupid Arch Duke sitting in his car thinking he was better then us, I sure showed him . . . then I destroyed the acceptance letter this guy sent to an art school, think his name was Adolph or something stupid like that . . . so they stopped fighting each other and had a christmas truce, not on Albus Dumbledore's watch . . . I had to cut them up, they thought they were better them me. Kinda like the name the papers called me though, Jack has such a nice ring to it . . . I saw old Adolph again and he was feeling a bit down and I said, you know what you should do? You should join a political party . . . I told those suckers that if they didn't fire on the fort, the Union wouldn't respect them . . . Adolph was feeling discouraged so I told him to write a book . . . So I said to myself, you're on a grassy knoll, no one can see you and I . . . and I told joe, they're going to betray you. The only thing you can do is get them first . . ."
AN: Dumbledore is responsible for most everything that went wrong in the last hundred and some years. Take that everyone else, I think I've got the most evil Dumbledore of all.
Another by tumshie
"...So I said to Henri Paul another drink won't do any harm..."
A few more by meteoricshipyards
"Come on, Teddy. You? too drunk to drive?"
"Dick, they really are out to get you!"
"Jerry, I'm a firm believer in second chances. If you want my suggestion, pardon him."
"Jimmy, it's a civilized world. Violence in response to violence doesn't solve anything. You know that. Wait for them to calm down..."
"And I said "trickle down' and he bought it, hahahaha."
Another by davidiusbrown
"That damn muggle was proclaimed the first to fly across the Atlantic. I sure showed him."
Another by nimbus225
"I told that Jap guy, Tojo I think his name was, that if he wanted to make an impact go after the biggest place."
Omake: The Highlander or Brave Scotland
"I am very disappointed in you Petunia," the old woman said in disgust, "to think that my daughter, my flesh and blood would treat her nephew this way."
"Mother I . . ."
"Silence," her mother commanded, "Harry is coming with me. I refuse to leave my grandchild with the likes of you, I shall be back in a few months to see if Dudley needs to go also. S'not healthy for a boy his age to be so big."
"Mother . . ."
"Not one bloody word," she hissed, "come along Harry."
"Yes grandmother," Harry agreed shyly.
"Call me Grannie lad," she said cheerfully, "do you have all your things?"
"Yes Grannie," Harry agreed.
"Then let's go home."
"Where's that?"
"The most wonderful place on earth," the old woman replied, "Scotland."
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry," the old woman began, "me husband was Irish, yer pa was Welsh, ye' were born in Shetland, and yer mam was Scottish."
"What's that mean?"
"Means yeh don't have even a bit in common with the bloody Sassenach," she said proudly.
"What's a Sassenach?" Harry asked.
"Bloody terrible cursed creatures they are," the old woman said, "le me put it this way. Yer aunt was born in England and look what happened. She's me daughter an I lov'er but look at er. An take that bloody oaf she married, no better example of a bloody Sassenach yu'll ever find. The bloody bastard."
"I don't wanna be a Sassenach," the frightened child sobbed.
"Good boy."
IIIIIIIIII
"Look at the boy in the dress," Draco crowed.
Almost negligently, Harry's hand formed a fist and propelled it into the boorish boy's face.
"What is the meaning of this?" Snape demanded.
"Mocket Sassenach scunner," Harry said defiantly. "glaikit."
"What?"
"It's Highland Scott language," Minerva explained with a sigh. Invented to confuse tourists and Englishmen, she neglected to add. "You only hear it in the really small villages. Come along Mr. Potter."
"Spurtle skelp."
"Stop that nonsense right now," McGonagall said calmly after they'd turned the corner, "I am neither a tourist or English . . . not a Lowlander either."
"Right then," Harry agreed cheerfully.
"Now what was that all about?"
"Little bugger insulted my kilt," Harry explained.
"Oh . . . ten points to Gryffindor for showing pride in your noble heritage and another fifty for defending it from a useless brat who showed the poor judgement of being born to an English family."
Omake Common Sense
"And that's the plan Lils," James said with a grin, "Peter will be the secret keeper while Sirius here acts as the decoy."
"It's flawless," Sirius agreed, "we really are brilliant mate."
"I know," James agreed, "no way that plan could go wrong."
"Unless Sirius was forced to tell it to them and then Peter would spill his guts to prevent spilling his guts," Lily said in a sing song voice, "other then that I . . ."
"What do you suggest then?" James asked.
"Why don't we make me the secret keeper?" Lily asked. "And I'll stay in the nice safe house with Harry."
"Um . . ."
"And Sirius can bring us food when he comes to visit his godson," Lily continued, "Harry stays safe, we stay safe, even Sirius can stay safe if he sleeps in the spare room."
"Can we do that?" James looked at Sirius who shrugged.
"Who's the Charms Mistress here?" Lily asked. "We are planning to use a charm right?"
"So there's no way Voldemort could get us?"
"Not unless I decide to go out and tell him," Lily agreed, "and I'm not planning to do that."
"Uh . . . well . . . good job Lils," James said with a shell shocked look on his face, "I can't help but feel we averted something horrible."
AN: It always bothered me that Dumbledore was the secret keeper for the Order Headquarters and was able to spend time there. One wonders why Lily or James didn't become their own secret keeper, so long as they stayed in the area protected by the charm then there wasn't any way to . . . ah well, just another plot hole that's been needling me.
Some Omake for Sailing
Omake by dogbertcarroll
Everyone stared at the name painted on the side of the ship and then turned to Luna.
"I thought it was suppose to be 'Murphy was an Optimist?' Ron spoke up.
Luna paused in thought. "I guess I misheard."
And thus the 'SS Murphy's Optometrist' set sail.
Omake by davidiusbrown
Harry Potter slept lightly alone in his stateroom. Alone, because only he and the Ship's Master shared the privilege of having their own cabins. Everyone else was doubled or tripled up, except for the Black Gang. They "hot racked". Harry really didn't want to know the details of this.
Ships Captains always slept lightly. Harry had quickly learned that being Captain was a 24 hour a day job. Ron would have been a bad Captain, him being always cranky when woken up from sleep. At sea, a Captain had to catch sleep when he or she could, and always, always, be alert and ready to listen when awakened. Harry had gotten used to this particular burden of command. But this time, it wasn't Hermione the Navigator reporting the ship's location after a midnight star fix, or Ron the Engineer reporting another dark wet incident in the dark wet bilge. It was Luna. And she was out of uniform. Drastically out of uniform. And she was singing...
"Luna Lovegood, is making another run.
Harry Potter, we're going to have great fun.
Set a course for adventure, your mind on a true romance.
It's Luna, exciting and nude.
Come aboard, I'm expecting you.
Luna Loooooooovveeeeeegood."
Addition by wonderbee31
Hmm, Harry smiled, last night had been fantastic, if a little strange, and he'd never felt so relaxed as he had then, even if Luna had had that strange penchant for singing in her sleep afterwards. He was almost ready to drop off competely, when he heard another tune and glanced over, only to see Luna, again out of her uniform, her most lovely and lucious body caught perfectly in the ray of moonlight that shone through the porthole, and she was singing softly enough that he had to strain to hear it:
Justtttt, lay right down and you'll hear a tale,
the tale of a faithful gal,
Who started from the bottom of your feet,
and enjoyed a three hour ride, a three hour ride...