Disclaimer: What can I say? Luna is a Lonely Lovegood.

Only First Years Have to Follow That Rule

The Dursley family was enjoying a nice meal, Petunia had cooked from the 'Elvis Presley's: Taking care of your Colon' Cookbook, consisting of candy bars deep fried in lard and sticks of butter fried in lard when the door bell rang.

With a growl of disgust, Vernon stalked towards the door and flung it open. "What is it?"

"Good afternoon." Standing on the door step was an odd girl with blond hair and a dreamy look in her eye. "Is your name Vernon Dursley?"

"What of it?" The slug growled. There was something about the girl that put his teeth on edge, something . . . freakish.

"I'm told that you have something you have no use for and I'd like to purchase it," the girl replied, "I'm prepared to offer you two ounces of gold to cart it off."

"What is it you want?" Vernon asked in a much more pleasant tone of voice. The man's piggy eyes gleamed with greed.

"Harry Potter," the girl replied. "Oh, and everything magical he owns in the house to complete the set," she added absently. Her entire attention was transfixed by a small bug crawling up the the door jam.

"Then you're a . . ."

"Lonely girl?" Luna suggested. "Yes I am, but it's not polite to point such things out."

"Let's see the gold."

"Let's see the goods," Luna countered.

Vernon smothered a grin. At least this freak knew The Rules of the Deal. "Dudley," Vernon called over his shoulder, "tell the freak to pack his things and get down here right now."

"But daaad . . ."

"Now." Vernon's tone brooked no argument. "Now then Miss?"

"Miss what?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"What's your name?" Vernon demanded.

"It's best you don't know," Luna replied mysteriously, "that way they can't take him and bring him back."

Vernon considered the girl's words for a few minutes, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards against his will. "Fine," he agreed. "BOY, HURRY UP." He turned back to Luna. "Now then, I couldn't possibly let my precious nephew go for less then four ounces of gold."

"I think we should wait until I've had a chance to inspect the goods before we decide on the final price," Luna replied in an aloof tone.

"Fine," Vernon agreed sourly, in the traditional horse trader's manner of one upset by the aspersions cast on their character. "BOY GET DOWN HERE NOW."

"Coming Uncle Vernon," Harry agreed from the top of the stairs. He was clutching his owl's cage in one hand and dragging a trunk with the other.

"Is this him?" Luna demanded. She peered up the stairs at her friend.

"That's him," Vernon confirmed.

"Seems kinda scrawny for four ounces," Luna said with a frown.

"He's strong and knows how to cook," Vernon said quickly, "cleans too."

"Hmmm." Luna walked up to Harry and pealed his lips back. "The teeth don't look to bad anyway . . . my original offer stands, two ounces."

"I couldn't let my precious nephew go for less then four," Vernon protested, "he's family."

"Is this all his things?"

"Should be," Vernon agreed.

"Throw in any magical items you've got in the attic and I'll give you three," Luna offered after a second, "and that's only because I don't want to bother finding another boy for sale."

"Magical items?" Vernon asked dumbly, realizing he could get even more unnaturalness out of his life and for free, no less. "Deal."

"Then I'll just collect those other items and we can settle up," Luna said, "agreed?"

"Agreed," Vernon said with a smile. "Boy, help her collect her new things."

"Yes Uncle Vernon," the confused boy agreed. He followed Luna up the stairs and into the attic. "Luna, what's this . . ."

"Not now," Luna whispered, "I'll explain later."

Harry pursed his lips, trying to decide if he trusted the odd girl with his life. On the other hand, she was getting him away from his 'loving' family. "Right," he agreed. Luna selected several odd items including an old carpet bag and thrust them into Harry's arms.

"Come on," Luna demanded, "I don't like this place and I'd like to be away as soon as possible." Without waiting for a reply, Luna scampered down the stairs and to the front door. When Harry caught up to her, she was handing three large coins to his uncle who was looking more pleased then Harry could ever remember.

"Pleasure doing business with you girl."

"Goodbye," Luna replied, "come along Harry."

Harry gathered his things and followed the girl to the street and watched as she pulled out her wand to summon the Knight Bus. "Can you tell me what this is about now?"

"Father agreed that I could have a pet this year," Luna said happily, "isn't that grand?"

"So you want me to help you pick out your pet then?" Harry asked slowly. Luna just smiled wider in reply. "Or . . . oh."

Harry was quiet for a few moments as he gathered his thoughts. "Is that legal?"

"Oh, yes. How do you think the house elves got started? They were originally wizards who were captured and enslaved. The change into what they are now took many centuries and quite a bit of both dark and light magic, it's both why they are so subservient, despite being quite powerful, and why they are so happy being so." Luna said with a small smile.

"So... I'm a house elf now?" Harry scratched his head, thinking that being a house elf was probably a lot like living with the Dursleys, except with better food and less work.

Luna giggled, a light hearted tinkling sound. "Of course not. Those spells were lost long ago. You are my pet, although some of the rules for house elves probably still apply, since you are capable of magic and intelligent. We'll have to look it up when we get a chance, I only looked up the rules for pets. It's probably best to ask the house elves for the details, now that I think about it, they should know."

"What are the rules for pets?"

"Well I have to pay for any damages you cause, but as you are quite rich I can have you do that. It's really not important, because I didn't buy you for your wealth after all. You have to sleep in my bed while we are at Hogwarts and you can attend classes with me, as long as you aren't a disruptive influence otherwise I have to leave you with Hagrid while I'm in class."

"I have to sleep in your bed?" Harry nervously asked.

"Yep," Luna gave him a quick hug before the bus made another ninety degree turn and she had to grab onto a handrail to keep from rolling down the isle, "and you feel like an excellent cuddle pillow, so I definitely got a good deal buying you."

"Won't your roommates complain?"

"I put up with their pets shedding and screeching at odd hours, not to mention all the snoring and the girls who have nightmares about Hagrid all the time, so they'll just have to get use to it."

"Nightmares about Hagrid, but he's not scary, though some of his pets are."

"I know, but they keep moaning 'hairy' for half the night and climb out of bed flushed and sweaty, so it's obviously Hagrid they are having nightmares of. I can't think of anyone at school harrier then him."

"Uh . . . uh, where are we going?" Harry thought it prudent to change the subject before it got more embarrassing.

"Diagon Alley," Luna replied, "to do some obligatory shopping."

"Obligatory shopping?"

"It's wizarding tradition to go shopping after you leave your relatives house for the last time . . . didn't you know?"

"There are traditions like that?" Harry asked in shock.

"Would I make something like that up?" Luna asked through half lidded eyes. "Come on." She grabbed him by the hand and dragged him to the first store.

"What can I do for you?" The proprietor asked.

"I just got a new pet and I wanted to get some things for him," Luna replied. "Toys and what not."

"I don't want any toys Luna."

"Do you need any special food?"

"Whatever you eat," Harry said with a shrug, "or I could cook myself something."

"Oh . . . I guess all I need is a collar then," Luna said. "Add a tag that says his name is Harry and that he's property of Luna Lovegood."

"I'm not going to wear a collar Luna," Harry said stubbornly.

"But what if you get lost?"

"No," he said firmly.

"Fine," Luna agreed, "then I will."

"Hmwa?"

The odd pair walked out of the pet shop a few minutes later. Luna was happily jingling the tags on her collar that announced to the world that she's been given all her shots and Harry was following behind with an odd look on his face and a leash tucked into his back pocket.

His collar she had tucked in her purse along with a spare leash. Harry had caved rather quickly when she brought up tattooing as an option. 'Pity, I think having my name in a heart on his bum would look nice. I wonder if the spell to make dark marks is hard to cast.'

"Where to now?" Harry asked. He felt faint. "Another shop?"

"Shopping is tedious," Luna replied, "I wouldn't write an article about it so why would I want to do it? Let's go home so I can introduce you to father."

"Sounds good to me," Harry said with a shrug. He followed the addled girl out of the alley and watched as she summoned the Knight Bus for the second time that day.

Luna's father was waiting for them when they got back to the Lovegood residence. "And just who is that?"

"That's my new pet Harry Potter," Luna chirped.

Harry stared at the family motto engraved above the door trying to read it. 'If you can't dazzle them with...' But his attention was quickly drawn back to Luna's father before he could puzzle out the heavily faded words.

"I thought I told you that you weren't to get a pet Harry Potter?" Her father asked sternly.

"No father, you said that I was not to have a pet Ha-ey a butterfly and I did not get a pet butterfly of any type."

"Hmmm . . . carry on then." He announced grandly, recognizing that he'd been outmatched in this little game of wits. 'I knew teaching her to play fifth dimensional chess in her head when she was a baby would come back to bite me on the ass.'

"Thank you father. Come on Harry, let's get something to eat."

"Sure," Harry agreed. This summer was looking up already.

Harry spent an exhausting couple of hours, as Luna worked him like a kleghorn (He wasn't quite sure what that was, so he had to take her word for it). He mastered the cuddle, the snuggle, and the surprise hug in no time flat.

She had forced him to take a couple of breaks and drink some lemonade, as he'd turned a bit red and she didn't want him to suffer from heat stroke.

She also taught him how to knee greasy headed people in the groin and how to give wedgies to albinos' wearing robes on a couple of life size animated drones she just happened to have in the back yard for that purpose.

Despite all the hard work he put into mastering these new skills, she had him drilling in them repeatedly until he could do them perfectly at a moments notice, he found himself feeling strangely energetic and some feeling he'd never felt before, well not during the summer anyway. He knew it has something to do with a Patronus...

"Just where is he going?" Luna's father demanded.

"We're going to my room father," Luna replied, "I'm tired and I wanted to turn in early."

"Put him out before you go to sleep," he ordered, "I don't want any messes in the house."

"Harry is house trained father," Luna said proudly, "and my book on pet care says that it's important to have your pet sleep in the same bed as you."

"What book is that?"

"The one I wrote last week father," Luna replied.

"Well . . . if it was in a book then it must be true." He nodded to himself, thinking of the bushy haired young witch who had informed of that fact, while handing him a pamphlet on something about house elves and vomit, just before Luna had gotten excited and started writing her book on pet care last week. 'Hmmm...'

"That's what I thought too father," Luna said with a pleased smile, "we're so smart."

"That we are daughter, goodnight then." He nodded and went off to the den to drink some fire whiskey and wonder where he went so right on raising her. 'I didn't know I was that good a parent, but results don't lie. One of the top scorers in class, an ace reporter, and running rings around me to get what she wants. Damn, I'm proud of her. She's just like her mother.'

"Good night, come on Harry." She grabbed his arm and led the shell shocked boy up the stairs.

IIIIIIIIII

"Order . . . Order . . . Order of The Phoenix hoooooo," Albus called out as he brought the Sword of Gryffindor to his face.

"We're already here Albus," Minerva said with an annoyed sigh, "what is it?"

"Harry Potter . . . has gone missing," he said dramatically. "We must find him."

"Do you think perhaps it has something to do with this special edition of the Quibbler that just came out?" Minerva demanded sternly.

"Hmmmm. Boy-Who-Lived sold by relatives to first person to offer them three galleons. Albus Dumbledore implicated in child abuse ring," he read, "luckily one of our fine undercover reporters made the purchase rather then someone who can't be trusted . . . . we assure you that Harry Potter is not being kept a safe-house on Heard Island near Antarctica. Order, away." With that, Albus leapt to his feet and ran out of the room.

"Do . . . do you think he wants us to follow him?" Molly broke the silence that had descended over the room after the Headmaster left.

AN: Not sure I've seen this idea, Luna has purchased herself a new pet. That pet is Harry Potter. dogbertcarroll and neil reynolds provided a bit of polish and some scenes for this. Probably Luna/Harry if I ever get around to writing a lot of this.

Obligatory South Park Reference by davidiusbrown

"Luna, what are you doing?"

"Red Rocket, Red Rocket, Red Rocket."

meteoricshipyards

"I was going to get a centaur, but that would have been a lot more

work than getting a Harry Potter. They're hard to litter train."

- - -

"Miss Lovegood! You can't have Harry Potter as a pet!"

"According to the 1043 code of wizarding law, section 7 paragraph 3,

as long as I bought him legally, and he's non-disruptive, I can."

"But that law is over 800 years old!"

"It's obviously stood the test of time, then, hasn't it?"

"Mr. Potter! What do you have to say about all this?"

"She feeds me better than the Dursleys ever did."