Disclaimer: Luna is fun to write.
Catch You on the Flip Side
It wasn't surprising that the Defense Professor made an attempt to murder Harry Potter; after all, it was the rare DADA Professor that didn't try at least once. What was surprising was the fact that he made his attempt in the Great Hall on the second day of classes and of course the fact that it looked like he was going to succeed.
"Harry no," Luna screamed. Everyone in the Great Hall watched as Luna attempted to tackle her friend out of the way of the dark curse speeding towards him.
"No," Hermione gasped. The other girl had managed to get to Harry, moving so fast it was practically apparition, just as the curse hit, striking them both. "No." Harry and Luna were surrounded by the curse's sick yellow glow for a few seconds then it stopped and the two students began fading away. "Professor, do something," she screamed.
At the Head Table, most of the Professors were busy subduing their colleague. The enthusiasm they showed made their view that no matter what the Headmaster might believe, the faculty did not think that attempts to kill the students should be tolerated. That meant the Headmaster was the only person with ability and opportunity to save Harry and Luna.
Snape's contribution, a boot to the groin, was both surprisingly effective and well… just a surprise really. Most of the students and staff later wrote it off as Snape being vindictive over someone killing off the sole remaining Potter, before he got a chance to torment him into insanity.
Dumbledore's wand danced as he attempted to perform a broad range counter curse. He'd been too slow to block the attack but he vowed that he would be damned if he let two of his students die before the rest. Really, it was quite annoying. Each of his students had a scheduled time and place they were supposed to end their mortal existence and Dumbledore was not going to allow anyone to cut in line. Faster and faster his hands moved as he fought a losing battle until finally, the two children disappeared completely.
"Albus?" Minerva asked.
"I've failed," Dumbledore said in horror, thinking of the massive rewrite he'd have to do to his schedule now.
"No wait," Minerva said, "look." The glow had returned and everyone could see two large figures forming. "They're back, they're . . . naked?" The two figures on the floor bore only a vague resemblance to the two children they'd replaced, they looked larger, looked older, looked like they weren't going to stop shagging any time soon.
"Ride me like a pony," the older Luna lookalike screamed, "give it to me harder ahhhhhhhhhh. " The two new figures changed positions three times before a rather vocal finally.
Most of those present claimed it was shock that prevented them from interrupting, but both the Claws and the Puffs walked away with four full pages of notes, while several Snakes and Griffs managed to capture it on film to share with their housemates.
"Are you two quite finished?" Dumbledore asked with a twinkle in his eye.
"Not quite," the older Luna lookalike replied, "why do you ask?"
"I am Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster of this school. And you are?"
"Luna Potter," she said proudly, "and this is my Husband Harry. We're on our honeymoon and I thought you were dead?"
"That's it, I'm out of here," Snape muttered and quickly fled the scene, not even taking the time to perform his classic robe swish that was his trademark.
"I assure you that I am quite alive," Dumbledore replied, "did you two perhaps go into another dimension for several years before finding comfort in each other's arms?"
"I think perhaps we got caught in a magical accident and swapped places with a couple of our younger analogs in another dimension," Luna mused, "at least that's what it looks like . . . ready for round four Harry?"
"You know it love," Harry agreed, having been stared at enough his entire life that crowds no longer affected him at all, regardless of what he was doing. Several dozen pairs of eyes rounded as the young couple pulled each other close to begin another round of practical sex education.
"Stop that at once," Minerva demanded.
"Why?" Luna sighed.
"I realize that you two are on your honeymoon," Minerva said sympathetically, "but this is not the time or place for such activity."
"I just assumed that since you summoned us here," Harry began.
"We did not summon you two here," Minerva snapped.
"Good to know," Harry mused, "now where were we?"
"You were groping me while I licked your jaw line," Luna explained.
Right," Harry agreed with a lecherous grin, "back to groping."
"Do not go back to groping," Minerva screamed.
"What now?" Harry demanded. "You're really interrupting our personal time here."
"It seems that you've swapped places with two of our students," Dumbledore said happily, "two of your younger selves. Could you tell us where they might have gone?"
"Probably back to our apartment in Monaco," Harry replied, "now if there are no other questions . . ." Without bothering to wait for a reply, Harry's hands and mouth resumed their, apparently stellar, job.
"Ooooh," Luna squealed, "that's the spot and that one too!"
"I'm afraid that there are several more questions," Dumbledore said quickly.
"Damn it, what now," Harry complained; sure it was nice that his old headmaster was alive again, but that was no excuse for interrupting his and Luna's fun time.
"Could we perhaps, take this conversation to my office?"
"We never did get a chance to shag on the Headmaster's desk," Luna said with a coy smile.
"And that's why I love you," Harry said with a grin, "alright we agree. We'll go to your office and shag on your desk."
"I was hoping that perhaps . . ."
"I don't mind if you watch," Luna said with a nod, "it would be rude to kick you out of your office."
"That's not . . . I don't want to watch."
"Well then you're out of luck," Luna said with a frown, "because you can't join."
"I . . . Minerva help."
"OK, she can join, but only for the first half hour, and we'll need Hogwarts' robes for the role play," Harry stated, as Luna squealed.
"Put some clothes on both of you," Minerva demanded.
"I thought we were going to wait until we were in the headmaster's office? Not that I have a problem with doing a little play for the kiddies of course," Harry shrugged.
"No, I mean put on some normal clothes."
"Why?"
"Because it is not appropriate to go around naked like that."
"As a couple on our honeymoon, it is very appropriate. "
"You're around school children."
"And," Harry asked, wondering what exactly her point was. The entire school had faced death from various sources while he was attending it and she was getting upset over a little sex? It's that damn, PBS telethon all over again and I still say we should have won the talent round, god knows they got more donations in the five minutes we were on then their entire last five years combined.'
IIIIIIIIII
Harry and Luna awoke in a large richly furnished apartment. The walls were covered with portraits that would not have been out of place in an 18th century gentleman's club along with several pictures of what appeared to be older versions of themselves engaged in a number of pornographic poses.
"Are you okay Harry?" Luna asked in concern. Her hands roamed over his body… in search of injuries. Excellent excuse, if I do say so myself.'
"I . . . I think so," Harry tensed as one of Luna's hands ventured into his robe.
"Good," Luna said in relief, pulling her hand back out, as apparently it'd had the opposite effect of what she'd been shooting for. "now you do me."
"Do what," Harry asked, eyes wide, even as his hands had already started forward without further input from his brain.
"Check me for injuries," Luna replied, "be sure to pay special attention to my breasts."
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore led the odd couple to his office and seated them in a pair of chairs facing his desk.
"Are you sure you don't want any robes then?" He asked hopefully.
"Maybe later," Harry replied.
"They'd just get in the way now," Luna agreed.
"Yes . . . well." The Headmaster coughed. "Have you given any thought to how you're going to pass the time while we try to find a way to get you home?"
"I just figured that we'd continue our honeymoon," Harry mused.
"Five years really isn't long enough," Luna agreed.
"You two have been married for five years?" Dumbledore asked in shock. "And you're still having your honeymoon?"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Yes . . . well . . . how are you managing to pay for it all?"
Dumbledore tried another tack. "Your bank accounts are back in your world after all."
"All I need is to find a couple coins on the street," Harry replied, "that and a slot machine. I'll build up to the roulette tables from there."
"You're a gambler?"
"Don't even need to cheat," Harry agreed, "with luck like mine you don't need to."
"How else do you think a school boy was going to defeat a Dark Lord without any training?" Luna demanded.
"I'd assumed that love would . . ."
"Nope," Luna interrupted, "bad guy got struck by a meteor."
"So did his followers," Harry added, "strangest thing. There I was, beaten and bleeding on the ground."
"Along with everyone else," Luna giggled, "they had us by the balls . . . or rather they had half of us by the balls. They had me by the throat I suppose, or maybe by Harry's balls."
"Well you always were attached to them love. So there we were," Harry picked up, "completely screwed when what should appear but a swarm of meteor-z."
"Killed all the Death Eaters."
"And we all went out for punch and pie."
"I actually went for sausage while Harry went for pie," Luna whispered to Dumbledore.
"And that's what we've been doing ever since," Harry finished with a grin.
"Rather than doing that again," Dumbledore said, "would you be willing to become our Defense Against Dark Arts Professors?"
"Defense Professors?" Harry asked in shock.
"Our last Professor was killed while resisting arrest," Dumbledore explained. He tried very hard not to shudder as he remembered the smug look on Minerva's face when she shared that bit of news with him. "You are stuck here until we find a way to get you back home and retrieve our missing students."
"You're offering us the job without knowing our qualifications? "
"You can't be any less qualified then our last few Professors," Dumbledore said quickly, "and there's also the fact that I doubt either of you is planning to kill Harry Potter . . . are you?"
"I've considered it," Luna admitted.
"Dear?"
"You leave the toilet seat down," Luna confessed, "it's really annoying."
"Sorry, I thought you'd like it that way." Harry said in remorse. "I'll stop doing that right away."
"Oh Harry take me now," Luna squealed.
Dumbledore showed he had a slight touch of seer's blood, or possibly common sense, and managed to save his dish of lemon candy, before the two managed to destroy everything on his desk in their passion.
IIIIIIIIII
After giving Luna a thorough examination, she'd demanded he redo part of it, just to be safe, Harry decided to investigate the strange place they'd found themselves.
"Look at this," Luna squealed. "Look how flexible I'm going to get."
"Where are we?" Harry said in wonder.
"I suspect that we're in the future," Luna replied, "a future where the two of us are happily married."
"And flexible," Harry said in wonder at the actions in one of the photos.
"That too," Luna agreed, slipping an arm around his waist.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry and Luna were on their way to the quarters that they'd been assigned after accepting Dumbledore's job offer. 'It'll be novel to have a competent Professor,' Harry had laughed, when they were stopped by one of their new students.
"What can we do for you Hermione?" Harry asked.
"Um . . . could I have a word with Luna?" Hermione asked nervously, trying in vain to keep her eyes above waist level on the older version of her friend. "Alone."
"Sure," Luna agreed. She gave Harry a through kiss goodbye. "I'll be there in a bit Harry."
"Take your time love."
"What did you want to talk about Hermione?"
"How did you and Harry get together?" Hermione asked. She was more than a bit confused, she knew that people changed over time but she'd never expected that they'd turn out the way they seemed to.
"We got together after I rescued him," Luna said dreamily, "from a lifetime of tedium."
"Care to explain that?" Hermione asked.
"Ginny was feeding him love potions," Luna explained, "which would have been fine if she weren't such a prude."
"What?"
"Red heads are supposed to be wild in bed," Luna said with a sigh, "but it's true what they say about blonds being more fun."
"I think that's supposed to be have more fun."
"That too."
"What happened to me?" Hermione asked.
"Harry and I tried to rescue you," Luna said with an unhappy frown, "but it turned out that you were with Ron because you loved him and not because of any potion."
"I married Ron?"
"And pushed out a brat every year," Luna agreed, "not that I don't want children some day but please. But that's not the worst part."
"Worst part?"
"Ron thought it was wrong to shag for fun," Luna explained, "which might have been why you had so many children now that I think about it."
"Oh . . . what was my career?"
"Molly mark II," Luna replied. "He even convinced you to dye your hair red too. Such a shame, I bet you'd have been fun." Hermione shuddered a moment in horror at the fate of her other self.
"But . . . I thought you married Harry?" She said in confusion. "Why would you want to share?"
"Why don't you have a seat," Luna suggested. The two girls sat down on a conveniently located bench. "Some girls like Sausage and some like tacos, others like both."
"Luna are you talking about . . ."
"Sex?" Luna asked. "Why yes I am but I understand that it's traditional to use euphemisms. Now then, boys are the same way. I married Harry and Harry likes tacos, I like both so when we go out to eat we find something we both enjoy. It's things like that that make a marriage last."
"Eep."
"Now then," Luna continued, "to explain my earlier statement. If you hadn't married Ron and consigned yourself to a life of drudgery and red hair, I think you might have been a nice addition to our marriage, because there's no one else in the world we'd have considered a permanent addition, thank Merlin the magical world doesn't follow that silly muggle one on one concept, except you. Was there anything else Hermione?"
"That'll do it Luna," Hermione said faintly.
"Ok Hermione," Luna said with a smile, "I want you to know that you can come to me for anything you need in the future and I'll do my best to help you."
"Thanks Luna," Hermione muttered. She had some serious thinking to do.
"Be sure to tell the other girls that too," Luna called after her.
"I will Luna."
"Now then," Luna said as she walked towards her new rooms, "where were we?"
IIIIIIIIII
Meanwhile, Harry and Luna were exploring the strange apartment that they'd found themselves in.
"Mostly whipped cream and strawberries in the fridge," Harry called over his shoulder.
"Chocolate sauce in the cupboards," Luna called down, "and look at these books I found." She turned it and proudly showed Harry the moving figures drawn on the pages.
"Wow," Harry gasped, "they sure are flexible aren't they?"
"You mean we," Luna said, "look who wrote this."
"Luna and Harry Potter?"
"Be gentle Harry," Luna said demurely, "it's my first time."
"What's your first time?"
"Aren't we going to consummate our marriage?"
"From the looks of things," Harry said with a wave at one of the photos on the counter as he flipped through the book, "we already have."
"Oh . . . wanna find something to eat then?"
"I'll try to whip something together," Harry offered, "see if there's anything in the freezer."
"Ok, husband."
"Husband?"
"We're marred in this world aren't we?" Luna demanded.
"Yes but . . ."
"Then what's the problem?" Luna switched gears and looked close to tears. "Are you saying I'm not good enough for you? Do you want a divorce?"
"No but . . ."
"Then what's the problem?"
"The problem is that I don't see anything in the freezer either and I'm not sure how I'm going to whip up something more healthy then chocolate covered cream and strawberries. "
"Oh . . . I'm sorry for being such an emotional girl," Luna said contritely, "it's just that . . . it's not every day you find out you're married."
"It's fine Luna," Harry assured the girl.
"And I don't even remember my wedding," Luna said with a pout. Her attention was drawn to a photo on the wall. "Look at this Harry, we had my dream wedding and I don't even remember it. We're going to have to go through the ceremony again."
IIIIIIIIII
Albus was pacing his office as he tried to think of how to go about bringing his wayward students home. It was a mystery that wouldn't be easy to solve since their only lead had been turned into a fine pink mist by the other Professors, no one even knew what spell had been used on the two missing children or even if their swap had been the intended effect or if it was the result of some strange magical reaction.
"Albus," Minerva screamed as she burst into his office, "do you know what Ms. Granger just came to me to ask about?"
"I'm sure you'll tell me Minerva," Dumbledore sighed.
"She wanted to know about magical marriage customs," Minerva growled, "and why we didn't have a program to teach muggle born students about magical customs and culture. I've told you Albus, but you wouldn't listen."
"Surely they can find out from their friends."
"Their friends are just children," Minerva hissed, "children who have been isolated from their parents and have a very limited amount of knowledge on the way things work. It's no wonder most muggle born have very little to do with the rest of society after they leave Hogwarts."
IIIIIIIIII
It took some doing, but Harry and Luna eventually managed to find 'their' wallets and enough money for take out. The main complication came when it was time to order . . .
"They were speaking French again," Harry muttered as he hung up the phone. Sure, any of the places he'd called would have been delighted to switch to English or for that matter German, Italian, or any one of half a dozen other languages if he'd asked but Harry was ignorant of that little tidbit of information.
"Not surprising," Luna replied, "the directory is in French and that's this countries official language is French."
"I guess," Harry agreed glumly, "I just wish there was some way we could get something to eat."
"Is Harry Potter sir finished banging his Looney like a drum for today and wants Dobby to get him something to eat?" Dobby asked from what had been an empty space only moments before.
"Dobby?" Harry asked in shock.
"Harry Potter sir hasn't started banging his Looney like a drum," Luna replied, "but we'd still like something to eat."
"What is you wanting?"
"Something local," Luna replied, "and it will also have to be filling since we're hungry . . . not to mention the fact that we plan to burn a lot of calories later."
"Yes missy Looney," Dobby agreed.
"Uh . . . Dobby," Harry said slowly.
"Yes Harry Potter sir?"
"You don't think it's odd that we've gotten younger?"
"Harry Potter sir has gotten younger?" Dobby squealed in astonishment. "What has happened."
"You didn't notice?"
"Dobby just thought youz is being kinky again," the little house elf replied quickly, "what is happening?"
"We've either lost our memories and gotten younger or we switched with our older selves," Luna said brightly, "either way we're hungry and would like to get something to eat before Harry starts banging me like a bongo drum."
"Yes missy Looney," Dobby agreed quickly. With a snap of his fingers the table was set and another covered it with food. "Dobby will be going now before Harry Potter sir traumatizes him by getting kinky with his Looney again."
"Bye Dobby," Luna giggled, "come on Harry. It's time to get something to eat."
"Uh . . . right," Harry agreed slowly.
"And after that we can talk about how you're going to bang me like a drum."
IIIIIIIIII
To the private disappointment of most of the class and the very public disappointment of Lavender, Parvati, and surprisingly Draco Malfoy. 'What?' Draco asked. 'He's hot . . . I mean, she's hot.' Luna and Harry chose to wear clothing for their first class.
"Easy access," Luna explained as the class began, "that's why Harry is wearing a kilt and I'm wearing a skirt. So you guys study something while Harry bends me over our desk."
"Professor?" Hermione's hand waved. "Couldn't you teach us something first?"
"I suppose we could," Harry agreed.
"Awwwww." Luna frowned at the other girl and began sulking.
"Let me see." He dug around his pockets until his hand came out holding several black marbles. "Ok, these are smoke pellets. You throw them on the ground and use it as a distraction to escape, bring your potions kits and I'll teach you how to make them yourselves."
"But won't Professor Snape get angry if you teach us Potions?"
"Who cares what that pathetic dick says," Harry snorted, "but with luck it'll bring us to lesson three. Now, everyone get a partner then come up and I want each of you to take one of my balls."
"Professor Luna," Hermione called out, "there's an odd number of students so can I be with you and Professor Harry?"
"You're a bit young for me," Luna admitted, "so you should probably wait until this world's Luna and Harry get back. If that hasn't happened by the time you graduate then by all means."
"And you can work with us for the class for the time being if you like," Harry said smoothly.
IIIIIIIIII
Luna watched Harry eat with a loving look on her face. This was like a dream come true for the blond girl, an indeterminate amount of time alone with the boy that had captured her interest in an apartment full of sex manuals and pornography. She didn't know the name of the Defense Professor that had sent them to this place but she couldn't wait to thank him when they got back home, well him or his heirs if the other Professors had taken advantage of Dumbledore's distraction.
"Oops," Luna said cheerfully, "I dropped my fork. Better go under the table to find it." With an impish smile, Luna slid out of her chair and under the tablecloth. "Could you move back a bit Harry?" Luna requested. "I can't get to it when you chair is so far forward."
"Sure Luna," Harry agreed, "how's this?"
"Just a . . . perfect," Luna cooed.
"Luna what are you . . . ohhh."
IIIIIIIIII
Snape stormed into the Great Hall with an enraged look on his face. Once his eyes locked on the couple at the staff table, he became two shades redder and began stalking towards them.
"Potter," Snape screamed, "how dare you teach Potions in my class?"
"Looks like we're gonna have lesson three early," Harry said calmly to Luna.
"Looks like," Luna agreed.
"I also called you a pathetic dick," Harry said loudly, "you pathetic dick."
"Graaaaa." With an inarticulate scream of rage, Snape began throwing curses in Harry's general direction.
"Now then." Harry grabbed Dumbledore's beard and jerked the old man into the path of the oncoming hexes. "Professor Snape." He stepped over Dumbledore's fallen form. "Has been good enough to agree to help us with a practical Defense Lesson." He sidestepped the next curse and summoned Draco into the path of the last few. "Watch." Unnoticed by Snape, Luna had calmly risen from her seat and cast a single stunner. "Teamwork students," Harry said loudly, "that's why we had you pair up and without it we could have never have arranged such a realistic demonstration."
"Let's all give a big hand to Professor Snape," Luna said happily, "for being such a good sport." The students cheered and clapped wildly. "Now let's have another for Draco and the Headmaster for being such good human shields." Luna smiled at the students as they cheered the other two. "Excellent."
IIIIIIIIII
Luna led the dazed Harry into the bedroom with a look of remorse on her face. After a few minutes of rummaging through the bedside table, she emerged with a length of silk rope and a ping pong paddle.
"I'm sorry Harry. I've been a really bad girl," Luna sobbed, "you must . . . you must tie me to the bed frame and have your way with me."
"I must?"
"Yes," Luna agreed, "she thrust the items into his hands and assumed a submissive position on the bed."
"Well . . . you gotta do what you gotta do I guess."
"Perhaps you could start things off with a nice spanking?" Luna asked hopefully. "Cause I've been such a bad girl?"
IIIIIIIIII
Harry sat at his desk with a silly grin on his face as the students came in to the classroom. Several of them frowned in confusion or disappointment when they didn't see their other Professor as they took their seats.
"Today class," Harry said with his eyes focused on something a thousand yards away, "you're going to learn how to apparate in "Hogwarts."
"But Professor," Hermione protested, "everyone knows that you can't apparate at Hogwarts."
"Of course you can't," Harry agreed happily, "that's why you're going to learn something we picked up in Japan. It goes really well with the smoke bombs."
"Oh."
"Now this form of transport is like apparation but . . . ahh," Harry sighed in contentment and stood up from his desk. Most of the students watched in confusion and a few with knowing grins as Luna crawled out from under the desk and then stood back to allow Harry to take her former position.
"Now then," Luna said. A silly grin formed on her face and her eyes closed half way. "This form of transport is exactly like apparation but you can do it at Hogwarts . . . oh and you don't need a license."
AN: Polish by dogbertcarroll, zambkptkn, and clell65619
Omake: How I'd End This
Harry and Luna stood in the middle of the Great Hall and waved goodbye as the waited to be sent back to their world.
"Good bye all," Luna called out, "remember what I said Hermione. I'm sure I'd be happy to share . . . and if I'm not then just come to our world and we'd be happy to have you."
"I will Luna," Hermione called back.
Everyone held their breath as the two greatest DADA Professors that they'd ever had slowly faded away into nothing to be replaced a few minutes later by another, smaller pair of figures that appeared to be shagging on the floor.
"I've failed," Dumbledore said in horror, "rather then sending them back I turned them into children.
"No wait," Minerva said, "I think it is our Harry and Luna."
"Ride me like a pony," the younger Luna lookalike screamed, "give it to me harder ahhhhhhhhhh. " The two figures changed positions three times before a rather vocal finale.
"Looks like they found something to do in the other dimension," Minerva said dryly, "or rather someone."
"Luna," Hermione began, "can I talk with you about Harry?"
"I'm sorry Hermione," Luna said contritely, "I didn't know you were interested in him too. Despite that, I'm not willing to step aside for you."
"That's not . . ."
"Oh? What then?"
"Room for one more?"
Omake by meteoricshipyards
"Harry? According to this document, we're married. Let me see that paper... In fact we're newly married. I'm guessing we're on our honeymoon." The last was said loudly, as Harry had disappeared into the bathroom. Luna took the opportunity to check the suitcase that appeared to belong to the 'other' Luna.
"So, we're in a Monaco hotel, on our honeymoon. Any idea how to contact Dumb..." His question was cut off as he looked at Luna in the lacy nightgown that she had slipped into.
"That's very ... is gauzy a word?"
"I was thinking 'transparent' myself," she answered.
"Yes, that's a very good description. . . ."
"Harry, it's very rude to stare at your almost nude wife without taking your clothes off. And close your mouth, you're drooling."
"Yes, dear," he said distractedly. Luna smirked to herself, wondering when his brain would start working again. Not too soon, she hoped.
Omake: Rat Back
Peter looked around in wonder, he was back in time, he could make right what once went wrong, he could redeem his greatest mistake.
"Something wrong Peter?" James asked.
"What?"
"We were just talking about how you should become the secret keeper instead of Sirius," James explained.
"Oh . . . right, I don't think that's such a good idea."
"Why not?"
"Well." Peter pulled up his arm to expose his tattoo.
"You're a Death Eater?"
"It showed up after I woke up from a night of heavy drinking," Peter admitted, "at first I thought you and Sirius put it on me like that time you had the words 'insert here' and an arrow pointing down tattooed onto my lower back."
"But it wasn't Sirius pranking you?"
"I haven't ruled that out," Peter said quickly, "but after I got called to a meeting yesterday I stopped thinking that it was a fake."
"How could you kill innocent people?" Lily demanded.
"Not sure I could," Peter admitted, "and haven't."
"Why didn't you tell us about this?"
"I just did."
"Oh . . . right."
AN: Idea by savagehawk2020.
Omake: Luna and Moody
It was dark when Moody awoke. He wasn't sure what had happened, all he remembered was a blond blur before everything went black. Some careful checking revealed that his prostheses were gone along with his wand, back up wand, back up back up wand, and other assorted items.
"You're awake?" A soft voice purred. "Good, I was hoping that you'd answer a couple of personal questions."
"Go to hell," Moody growled. He was confused, the voice was too light to be Bellatrix . . . almost sounded like a child. He shuddered at the thought of the Dark Lord recruiting children to fight for him. "You'll get nothing from me."
"You refused to teach Harry Potter over the summer," the voice said calmly, "and you're helping Dumbledore keep him isolated."
"Yeah?"
"I want to know why," the voice continued, "and what it will take to get you to change your mind."
"Piss off."
"You know I could just force a bunch of potion down your throat?" The voice asked conversationally. "Or I suppose I could also do things the old fashioned way. But how about we try things differently? I'll answer one of your questions for every one of my you answer, if you're honest I'll return your things and let you go."
"Fine," Moody agreed, "who are you?" In reply the bag was yanked off his head to allow him to see his captor. "Lovegood?"
"Uh huh," Luna agreed, "Luna Lovegood."
"Why have you taken me?"
"My question first," Luna said firmly, "why won't you teach Harry?"
"Dumbledore asked me not to," Moody said with a frown, "and my question?"
"I took you to find out about Harry," Luna said in exasperation, "weren't you listening earlier? Now then, why are you keeping Harry prisoner?"
"Dumbledore again," Moody said, "you mean to tell me that you've captured me and held me prisoner to find out about your boyfriend?"
"Harry's not my boyfriend yet," Luna giggled, "but I wanted to ask him and I couldn't find him so I thought the most reasonable way to find him would be through you. How could I convince you to help me rescue Harry and to teach him over the summer?"
"How did you get past my security?" Moody said. "I need to know that to tell you the price."
"Ok, but you owe me another answer."
"Agreed."
"It wasn't hard," Luna said thoughtfully, "I just walked in. Didn't even have to disable many traps."
"Right," Moody sighed, "help me with my security and I'll do what you want."
"Agreed," Luna said brightly, "what kind of girl do you think Harry likes?"
"You if the boy has any sense," Moody said sourly, "got past my security and caught a retired master Auror. Dark Lord is screwed."
AN: I read something by Clell65619 to effect that Moody is the polar opposite of Luna. That's where I got this idea.