Disclaimer: Be weary of dealing with House Elves. This is yet another independent Harry fic.
YAIHF
Harry didn't know what to do, everything that could go wrong with his life was going wrong. His godfather was dead, Voldemort was back, he was with the Dursleys. In short, life really sucked.
"I need to pry myself out from under Dumbledore's thumb," Harry muttered to himself, "I need to train and stuff. But how?" He sighed, it would never happen, he could never do it alone. "If only I had help, someone who would be loyal to me . . . like Dobby for example."
"You called Dobby Harry Potter sir?" Dobby's voice asked from what had been an empty space a moment before.
"I need help becoming independent," Harry explained, more then a bit amused that the little elf had managed to bypass the 'elite' guards that the Order had stationed. "And becoming a powerful and knowledgeable wizard."
"Dobby can help," the little elf shouted, "Dobby will help Harry Potter sir."
"Great," Harry said cheerfully, "I knew I could count on you."
"Dobby must go to arrange things for Harry Potter sir now," the little elf said seriously.
"Bye Dobby."
Bye Harry Potter sir."
Dobby's first stop after leaving Harry's room was Gringotts Bank to make a few withdrawals. Even a house elf knew that the first step in becoming independent was a shopping spree and he was more then a bit flattered to think that Harry Potter sir had entrusted him with this important task.
"What is it?" The teller demanded.
"Dobby needs to withdraw money from Harry Potter sir's vault," he replied.
"You don't have access," the goblin growled, "will that be all?"
"Oh no," Dobby cried, "Dobby forgot to ask the great Harry Potter sir to grant access to his great Potter vault. Dobby is a bad elf, an embarrassment to all elf kind. Now how will Harry Potter sir become independent if Dobby can't buy half the things for sale in Diagon and Knockturn alley with a possible side trip to Hogsmead?"
"Not my problem," the goblin sneered.
"Wait," Dobby squealed happily, "bad Malfoys never removed Dobby from their access list. Dobby would like to make a withdrawal from bad Malfoy's vault."
"How much?"
"All of it." Flush with cash, Dobby wandered out of Gringotts. "What shall Dobby do now?" The house elf wondered to himself. "Would Harry Potter sir wish to have a lot of wonderful things like a trunk with secret rooms?" He thought hard on the problem. "No, if a trunk with many rooms would be good then a castle would be better." Dobby congratulated himself for his wonderful plan. "Now where shall Dobby put Harry Potter sir's castle?"
After hours of carefully searching the United Kingdom, Dobby eventually settled on Gruinard Island as the sight of the new Fortress Harry Potter sir. Of course Harry had final choice on any name, but Dobby thought it best to have a name in mind during the construction period.
House elf magic is powerful magic and so it should come as no surprise that Dobby completed construction within hours of breaking ground. Harry Potter's new 'house' was heavily warded, large, and contained everything that Harry could expect to need in his quest for power and independence so use your imagination and no more need be written about it.
"Now all Dobby needs to do is get a library for the great and powerful Harry Potter sir so that the great and powerful Harry Potter sir can use those books to study and become the greatest and most powerful Harry Potter sir that he can be."
Dobby popped away from Anthrax Island and arrived in Diagon Alley to start the greatest shopping spree ever made by a house elf using what had been Lucius Malfoy's money only a short time before.
Five hours and a whole lot of money later, Dobby returned to the Fortress Harry Potter sir with a giant stack of books and a new found problem.
"Where will Dobby put the great and powerful Harry Potter sir's books," he waled, "Dobby is a bad elf who forgot to buy furniture for the great and powerful Harry Potter sir's books." He frowned in thought. "While Dobby is at it, he may as well also get chairs and tables and such so that the great and powerful Harry Potter sir can sit down and sleep on something besides the floor . . . oh and a desk for the great and powerful Harry Potter sir so that the great and powerful Harry Potter sir can have a place to study."
This line of reasoning prompted another shopping spree depleting the once great Malfoy fortune even further since the great and powerful Harry Potter sir deserved only the best hand made antique furniture and that didn't come cheap.
Dobby surveyed his work with a sense of profound satisfaction as he tried to think of what else the great and powerful Harry Potter sir needed to become the greatest,most powerful, and above all independentest Harry Potter sir ever.
"Hmmmm." Dobby racked his mind. "Wait, Dobby saw something in bad Malfoy's vault before that would help the great and powerful Harry Potter sir." Dobby popped out and appeared before a surly looking goblin with diamond encrusted teeth.
"Yes?" The goblin asked.
"Dobby wants to have everything else in the bad Malfoy vaults," Dobby replied, "and all the papers in bad Malfoy's files."
"There's a hundred galleon processing fee for a rush job," the goblin said with a leer.
"Charge it to the bad Malfoy account," Dobby said quickly.
"You do realize that there will be extra fees for having an empty account don't you?" The goblin asked. "And that it would be cheaper to just pay the account ending fee/bribe?"
"Dobby thinks goblin should charge as many fees to bad Malfoy family as goblin wants," Dobby said impatiently.
"Just asking," the goblin said with a grin, "here are your new things."
"Hmmm, deed to bad Malfoy's house, deed to bad Malfoy's other house, blackmail, ah . . . here it is." A grin split Dobby's face as he popped out to enact the next stage of his plan.
"My word," the unspeakable on duty in the secure room of the Department of Mysteries exclaimed, "how did you get in here?"
"Dobby is here for all your research and cool items," the house elf replied.
"I'm afraid I can't just give it to you," the 'guard' said regretfully.
"Oh . . . Dobby forgot to give you authorization."
"Hmm?" The guard took the paper. "Give the holder of this paper anything he wants, signed Minister Fudge. Everything seems to be in order then, have a nice day."
"Dobby wishes incompetent guard a nice day too,"
"Hey! I'm not incompetent," the guard complained.
"But yous is giving Dobby, a simple house elf, everything yous is suppose to be guarding," Dobby explained, like he was speaking to a small child.
"Well, yeah. But my job is to guard it from unauthorized people and with that sheet of paper, you are authorized. So, really I'm just doing my job. The problem is further up the line, like for instance, the person who filled out the form that authorized you."
"So Fudgey is being the incompetent one?"
"Without a doubt. If we were breeding for incompetence, then Fudge would be the alpha male. That's in box #26 by the way. Of course I told the unspeakables that breeding for incompetence to try and limit government screwups was a bad idea, but did they listen to me? Nooo..."
Dobby just nodded and slowly backed away from the ranting guard before he popped out. Dobby spent the next hour getting everything arranged so that the great and powerful Harry Potter sir would be happy when the great and powerful Harry Potter sir arrived at the Fortress Great and Powerful Harry Potter sir which would serve as the great and powerful Harry Potter sir's home.
Harry was sitting on his bed when Dobby returned to tell him the news that everything was ready so that he could become independent.
AN: Broke it in half, sort of. Figure I could have tossed the below Omake into this if I wanted to but I'm fine with stopping things here. Polish by dogbertcarroll.
Omake: To Those Who Hate Harems
Hermione woke up with a vague sense of wrongness that told her that she was not alone in her room. Her left hand groped for her wand as her right frantically rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.
"Dobby is not here to harm you," the house elf tried to assure the girl, "Dobby is here to make a proposal."
"What do you need?" Hermione asked.
"Dobby would like to hire Harry Potter sir's Grangy to be Harry Potter sir's tutor to help Harry Potter sir become the best wizard that Harry Potter sir can be," he replied. "Not that Dobby doesn't think that Harry Potter sir isn't already a great and powerful wizard, but Dobby thinks that Harry Potter sir can become even greater and more powerful."
"Sure," Hermione agreed, "why not. I'd have helped Harry anyway but I guess that it'll be nice to have a bigger book budget."
"Horay," Dobby cheered, "now if Harry Potter sir's Grangy will just sign this employment contract?"
"Give it here," Hermione said with an outstretched hand. "Everything seems to be in order." She quickly signed the contract and handed it back. "What now?"
"Dobby would like to ask that Harry Potter sir's Grangy gets packed and ready to go to Fortress Harry Potter sir," he replied.
"Fortress Harry Potter sir?" Hermione asked the suddenly empty room. "Maybe I have to rethink this whole SPEW thing . . . I suppose that they could be institutionalized instead of freed . . . or maybe we could make house elf reservations?"
Dobby's next stop was to find a body guard to guard the body of the great and powerful Harry Potter sir. Not that Harry Potter sir couldn't protect his Harry Potter sirness from bad wizards, but Dobby would feel better if Harry Potter sir had a body guard to help Harry Potter sir guard his body.
"What the?" Tonks squeaked. "I mean." She cleared her throat. "What the?" She said in a much more confident tone.
"Dobby is here to hire Tonky to help guard Harry Potter sir's body," the little elf explained.
"Get paid for what I'm already doing for free?" Tonks squealed. "Ahem, I mean let's see the contract."
"Here Tonky."
"Hmm." Tonks squinted at the contract in confusion for a few seconds before shrugging her shoulders and handing it back. "Here you go."
"Tonky should pack now," Dobby ordered, "so that Tonky is ready to go to fortress Harry Potter sir." With that, he popped out on his way to his next destination.
"Fortress Harry Potter sir?" Tonks repeated dumbly. "Odd name for the Dursley house."
Dobby frowned in confusion when he arrived not in France to recruit Harry Potter sir's new financial advisor like he had planned, but in a room painted plaid in front of a gawky blond covering her eyes.
"Guess who," the blond said in a perky voice.
"Dobby thinks that it Harry Potter sir?"
"You're right," Luna agreed, "I was thinking of Harry."
"Why did Lunytik kidnap Dobby?"
"I didn't kidnap you," Luna said in a scandalized voice, "I merely redirected your trip to appear here and then raised the wards to prevent you from leaving."
"Dobby fails to see a difference," the house elf admitted, "but Dobby will take Lunytik's word on it."
"I may be wondering why you asked me here."
"Dobby may be wondering that too," the house elf said with a nod. It was so nice when everyone could agree on the details.
"You want me to become Harry's haberdasher," Luna said with a grin.
"Does Harry Potter sir need a haberdasher?"
"Who knows."
"Does Lunytik know how to be a haberdasher?"
"Haven't the faintest idea on how to start; I do know when to start."
"When?"
"Why right now of course," Luna said quickly, "hand me that contract."
"Here Lunytik goes." Dobby watched as the odd blond perused the contract, something none of the other girls had the sense to do before signing.
"Ooh," Luna squealed, "I especially like this clause about becoming Harry's plaything."
"Is great honor," Dobby agreed, "Dobby added it to every contract."
"Well, here you go." Luna signed it with a flourish and handed the contract back to Dobby. "I'm sorry but I can't meet with you any longer, I have to pack up and get ready."
"Dobby understands," the house elf said with a nod. Dobby popped out and reappeared in a large French Chateau and in front of Harry Potter sir's soon to be newest employee.
"May I 'elp you?" Fleur asked. "Are you looking for your master?"
"Dobby is here on behalf of his master," Dobby replied.
"Oh?" A perfect eyebrow raised in reply.
"Dobby's master is the great and powerful Harry Potter sir," Dobby said proudly, "the greatest and most powerful wizard that ever lived."
"I see." The immaculate eyebrow slowly lowered. "What can I do for dear 'arrie?"
"Harry Potter sir needs a financial advisor to help Harry Potter sir deal with Harry Potter sir's finances."
"I'd be 'appy to assist dear 'arrie," Fleur said in delight.
"Dobby has a contract right here."
Fleur hesitated for a second before signing the contract. Long experience and business with the goblins had taught her never to take any contract at face value and to examine every clause and sub clause carefully before even thinking about signing it. On the other hand, she didn't think that 'arrie would ever try to cheat her.
"The contract, it is signed." She said pompously. "I will need to examine 'arrie's records immediately."
"Dobby will get Harry Potter's records," Dobby agreed.
"I will also need a copy of the contract," Fleur said quickly before the elf had a chance to leave.
"Here you go." Dobby snapped his fingers and produced a copy.
"Thank you." Fleur picked up the contract and began reading through it as the house elf disappeared. A few minutes into it her eyes bulged and her jaw tightened as she got to one particular section.
Dobby returned to the Delacour residence and was immediately confronted by an enraged quarter Veela screaming in french and waving a contract.
"Dobby is sorry Dobby does not understand French."
With a sigh of disgust, the girl grabbed Dobby by the collar and frog marched him down the hall and into a small room containing another young girl in a maid's outfit sipping a cup of coffee. After a few minutes of heated French, the maid turned to Dobby with an odd look on her face.
"She says that she'd angry that you haven't offered her a position servicing Harry Potter."
"What does little scary girl wish to do?" Dobby asked.
"She says that she's already drawn up a contract," the maid said, "and just needs your stamp."
"What is a mistress?" Dobby asked with a confused look on his face.
"Someone who keeps the master of the house relaxed," the maid said with a giggle.
"Harry Potter sir needs to be very relaxed," Dobby said firmly, "thank you scary small girl."
"She says that you're welcome," the maid relayed. "That's all she wanted, but I want to know something."
"What is it?"
"Do you have any openings for a maid?" She asked hopefully.
"Dobby will do all the cleaning," the little elf said firmly.
"That's not quite the duty I had in mind," the maid said frankly.
"Oh?"
"Nope, this costume doesn't help me clean at all. Only reason I wear it here is because it's a term of my employment," she explained, "if I were to work for you boss then the only housework I'll be doing is polishing his wand if you know what I mean."
"Dobby understands the importance of proper wand care," the house elf said seriously, "maid is hired."
"Wonderful," the girl said with a grin, "I also took the liberty of filling out my own contract."
"Dobby thinks that everything seems to be in order," the house elf said with a nod, "Dobby has to go clear some pests out of one of Harry Potter sir's houses now."
Not more then ten minutes later, the doors of the former Malfoy Manor house flung open to eject a dirty blond bastard.
"What are you doing you stupid elf?" Lucius screamed as Dobby flung him out the front doors of the former Malfoy Manor.
"Dobby is clearing pests out of Harry Potter sir's house," the house elf replied, "former mistress Cissy can stay."
"Thank you . . . Dobby right?" Narcissa asked. No way in hell was she gonna get thrown out into the cold and away from her clothes. "What prompted this generosity."
"Harry Potter sir needs many mistresses to keep him calm," Dobby explained.
"Oh . . . well, I guess the boy is attractive in a waifish sort of way and there's also the fact that Lucius hasn't been able to get it up in years . . ."
"Narcissa," Lucius squealed, "you can't be considering it."
"There's nothing to consider," Narcissa said with a cultured smile, "I'd be happy to take the position . . . or any position the boy wants me to take. They're quite eager to try new things at that age you know."
AN: House elves are fun to write.