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Lovegood's War
Every eye turned to the head table as Sybil stood up with a dazed expression on her face and began to speak in an oddly flat tone.
"The grease ball bastard shall betray the meddling old fool and the Dark Lord will start to win. All is not lost, for the one with the lightning bolt scar shall triumph in the end using a combination of kick ass magical powers and just general awesomeness. He will then pound the good loving moon like a jackhammer for weeks and months, sometimes in public . . . the good loving moon will get pounded by the one with the lightning head."
"Uh . . ." Dumbledore's eyes swept the Great Hall and over all the collected students with a frown. Now how was he going to wipe all those memories? Draco, Ron, and most of those present, frowned. This prophecy . . . what could it mean?
"What just happened?" Sybil asked with a dazed expression on her face. "My inner eye tells me that I must be going." She stood up and swept out of the Great Hall. Half way to her tower, she paused in front of a small and usually unnoticed alcove. "Are you there darling?"
"Yes aunt Sybil," Luna agreed, "did you do it?"
"Of course I did dear," Sybil said with a wide smile, "we Lovegoods must always stick together."
"Thank you aunt Sybil."
"Anything for my favorite niece," Sybil replied. "Now if you will excuse me, my inner eye tells me that it's past my bedtime."
"Goodnight aunt Sybil."
"Goodnight Luna."
Luna strolled back to her dorm room and pulled a few things out of her trunk to complete the next stage of her evil plan for world domination . . . wait, that wasn't right. Her nose scrunched up as she tried to remember what the object of her plan was again . . . oh right, Harry.
With a grin, Luna sat down on her bed with a quill in one hand and a roll of parchment in the other. She tapped her chin with the end of the feather as she tried to think of the best way to start her 'interview.'
"Hmmm. We at the Daily Prophet are pleased to give you an exclusive interview with Tom Riddle, or as you probably know him 'you-know-who' the Dark Lord himself. Now then Tom, may I call you Tom?" Luna grinned as the words leapt onto the page. "Of course you may Rita," Luna said. "Let's see . . . Rita asks him why he became a Dark Lord and he replies. Well Rita," she mumbled to herself as she wrote Tom's part. "It all started when I was assigned detention in the forbidden forest by my Transfiguration Professor Volde says with tears in his eyes, confesses that Dumbledore made him pull his hair into pigtails and made him wear a dress. Then the old man had rented poor widdle Tom out to a large herd of centaurs and one particularly nasty troll." Luna wrote in a few details. " Hmmm . . . I suppose I should add that Dumbledore gave him 'private lessons' and that Voldemort burst into tears when asked to explain that. Interview comes to a close and Tom introduces his heterosexual life mate Peter Pettigrew, mentions that Peter is going to wipe the memory of this interview and in turn get his own memory wiped, big finish and there we go." Luna felt a profound sense of satisfaction as she looked over the interview she'd just manufactured. Harry was such a good soul, so forgiving, so willing to forgo revenge in favor of forgiveness . . . and that's why he was so lucky to have a girlfriend like Luna Lovegood, or rather that's why he was so lucky to get a girlfriend named Luna Lovegood some time in the near future.
All that taken care of, she skipped happily to post her exclusive article to the Daily Prophet. Boy would the world be surprised to find out the truth behind the fall of the Darkest Dark Lord they'd seen in generations.
"I deserve a reward for bringing this all to light," Luna mused to herself, "perhaps Harry would like to help me celebrate?"
IIIIIIIIII
Luna's father wasn't the only Lovegood that worked in the field of journalism. Her great uncle Chaoticius Lovegood worked as the night watchman at the Prophet and when asked, he was more then happy to help his favorite niece get a little unofficial payback. He whistled to himself as he changed the type of the coming day's issue and gave a satisfied grin as he gave it the finishing touches. The Confundus was such a useful charm; when cast by a rank amateur it was powerful enough to get a powerful and ancient artifact to enter an unwilling fourth participant to the Triwizard, when cast by an unrecognized master of confusion . . . well, that was something else now wasn't it?
IIIIIIIIII
Minerva was dragged from her bed by a frantic knocking on the door to her chambers. Cursing, she through on a robe and stumbled to the door. "What is it?" She demanded.
"Professor McGonagall come quick," the breathless Ravenclaw gasped, "there's a boy in the girl's dormitory. And he's grunting and groaning in a lewd manner."
"And you couldn't get your head of house," she asked irritably.
The girl blushed and looked down at her feet, "He may have placed some wards on his room, designed to keep out female students, after a certain incident involving some fifth years who really find intelligence to be sexy and that attitude may have some spread to the other years a bit."
The transfiguration mistress firmly shoved that bit of information into the back of her brain to take up residence with all the other unsettling things she's learned about the other teachers.
"Come along then," Minerva ordered. A frown formed as she thought of how to best resolve the situation. She stormed into the Ravenclaw tower and up to the girl's dorm. "What's all this about then?" She demanded as she walked in. Crude grunting came from behind the curtains of one of the four poster beds and Minerva through them back to find. "Mr. Potter?" She asked in surprise. The last person she expected to see under these circumstances was young Harry Potter. "Um . . . why are you tied up and gagged?"
"Mmmph," Harry screamed through his gag, as he struggled against the ropes holding him down, which just caused the sleeping blond to clutch him tighter.
"And when did you start dating Ms. Lovegood?" She added when she identified the owner of the blond mop of hair pressed into Harry's shoulder. "Wake up Ms. Lovegood."
"Mmmm?" Luna looked up through half lidded eyes. "Good morning Professor McGonagall."
"Good morning Ms. Lovegood, care to explain why Mr. Potter is in bed with you?"
"He must have snuck in," Luna said with a dreamy smile.
"And then tied himself up?" Minerva said dryly.
"Perhaps he got confused in the dark," Luna suggested, "and tied himself up instead of tying me up."
"And how then did he tie himself to the frame of your bed?" Minerva was willing to play along for the time being.
"I'm not sure Professor," Luna said, "but I do know one thing."
"What is that?"
"That I am going to need private quarters," Luna replied with a sad look on her face, "since it's clear that Harry is going to return night after night to ravish me."
"He is?" Minerva asked.
Mmph?" Harry added with wide eyes, wondering once more exactly how he'd gotten into this mess.
"Of course he is," Luna agreed firmly, "he's going to keep sneaking into my bed until I am throughly and completely ravished." Her leveled glare at Harry had him nodding in agreement trying to calm the intense Ravenclaw down.
"And what does that have to do with you getting your own quarters?"
"What if Harry accidentally snuck into the wrong bed?" Luna asked with a look of despair on her face. "He could accidentally ravish the wrong girl in the dark."
"I don't mind," one of Luna's dorm mates blurted followed by some agreeing mutters from the rest of the gathered girls.
"Well it's not a sacrifice that we can reasonably expect you to make," Luna said coldly. This was one thing she wasn't going to allow her dorm mates to steal, borrow, or 'share', especially considering the condition most of her things were in when she finally got them back.
"Will it keep me from being woken up again in the future to deal with this sort of thing?" Minerva asked tiredly.
"So long as you put it far enough from where you sleep," Luna agreed, "or if you have some very good silencing charms."
"Fine," Minerva agreed, "whatever. Good night." She couldn't help but feel that it was a different decision then she'd have made after getting a reasonable amount of sleep but at the moment, all that mattered was getting back to bed and going back to sleep, besides this was much better than the annual 'Kill Harry' kick the DADA professors had and didn't the senile old... ahem didn't the Headmaster say love was what Harry needed most to win against He-Who... Voldemort?
"Yay," Luna cheered.
AN: Just a straight Luna Harry fic, don't write many of those do I? Polish by SP, dogbertcarroll.
Omake by spd3432us
A shocked silence settled over the Great Hall shortly after post owls delivered the morning's Daily Prophet to the students. The only sounds the turning of pages and quiet conversation at the head table since the professor's all had their newspapers delivered to their quarters by house-elfs. As Harry finally finished reading the leading article in the day's paper, he stood up and cleared his throat
"Headmaster"
"Yes, Mister Potter?"
"The article in today's Prophet. It says you gave private instruction to Tom Riddle in your office. Is this true?"
A contemplative look settled upon Dumbledore's face. "Yes, Mister Potter. It's true. I gave Tom private tuition. He was quite the gifted student."
"Did you often give private instruction to students?"
"Only those that had exceptional potential. Still do on occasion. Why Mister Percival Weasley spent quite a bit of time in my office during his last year here receiving instruction in politics."
"And is there some recompense for this extra instruction?"
"Oh yes. But it's a private matter between student and teacher. I assure you, they do come to a mutually satisfying arrangement if that's your concern."
"Ummm... Not entirely but these are generally one on one instructions given in the teacher's office?"
"Yes. That's the normal location."
"So all this extra time that Malfoy and Snape spend together in his office?"
Snape turned pale when he heard his name being mentioned and immediately signaled for his godson Draco to bring him a paper.
"That's Professor Snape, Mister Potter. But I'm not at liberty to divulge the relationships between the instructors and any current students."
At that, a gasp was heard from nearly all the students still at table as the implications of Dumbledore's statements settled in.
Over at the Gryffindor table, Ginny looked at Ron who was shaking his head and muttering -- "No. Not Percy. It was bad enough he turned his back on the family but to be unnatural also? Mum will be heartbroken when she hears about this."
An Omake for chapter 83 of Odd Ideas by Jetflash
Sirius finally had Peter cornered. The sniveling rat cowered away from his onetime friend as the Head of the Black family leveled his wand at Peter's chest.
"Any last words, Peter?"
"III Wish... I wish..."
Suddenly he threw off his cloak, revealing an outfit common among minstrels at the turn of the 20th century in America.
"I wish I was in Dixie, hooray! Hooray!"