Disclaimer: Henching rhymes with Wenching. Now get your dirty paws off me you filthy apes.
Henching
Hermione's jaw dropped at the odd sight of Draco's two goons sitting quietly in the library.
"Granger," one of them asked dumbly, "yer smart arn't yeh?"
"I like to think so," Hermione agreed cautiously.
"Could ya give us help with dis," the other one asked, using the puppy dogs eyes technique to great effect, probably because he had the same intelligence as one.
"Let me see that," Hermione said reluctantly, but unable to stop herself from assisting another student in learning. "Study guide for the Igor Standard Aptitude Battery?"
"Yah gots ta get a good score ta be a union hench," Goyle explained, "our dads failed an'had ta join a non union villain."
"Oh," Hermione said dumbly, "is that why you two are working for Draco?"
"Dats fer work study credit," Crabbe replied with a wide grin, like a dog that had just performed a new trick. Hermione barely managed to stop herself from patting him on the head.
"Oh . . . well, it doesn't seem to be too difficult." Hermione said absently as she flipped through the booklet. "Fairly straight forward anyway, I guess I could give you a bit of tutoring." It just wasn't in her to say no to someone that asked her for help and if they pass this test then that's two less recruits for Voldemort, she justified.
Looking at the two, she decided the physical portion was going to be their best bet for passing. Glancing through the guide she even found some magical tricks that would help, like a version of silent apparition that would allow their boss to summon them to her or him at need and since it relied on her magic and skills in creating the item that summoned them they were sure to get bonus points on that one.
To Ron's disgust and to Harry's amazement, the arrangement that Hermione worked out with the two idiots worked out fairly well for all concerned. The boys were too busy studying to help Draco perpetrate any dastardly deeds and Hermione gained a new understanding of the evils of inbreeding and what it had done to the magical world after a short conversation with her two pupils.
"We're not gonna be married til after da test," Crabbe explained, "our dads had ta get jobs wif da Dark Lord . . ."
"Da non union Dark Lord," Goyle added.
"For they could get married, we jes havta pass the exam so we don havta join da Dark Lord and still get married."
"Oh," Hermione said in surprise, "I didn't know you two were engaged. Who are the . . . lucky." Hermione made a gagging noise. "Sorry I just threw up a little in my mouth, who are the girls?"
"I'm gonna marry his sister an he's gonna marry mine," Crabbe replied.
"Jes like our dads before us and der dads before them."
"All da way back ta da firs Crabbe and Goyle."
"So your . . ." she made another gagging noise. "Just threw up a little in my mouth again," Hermione said with an embarrassed look on her face, "why don't we just agree to never talk about our families ever again?"
And so things went until the day finally came to take the Igor Standard Achievement Battery, or ISTAB exam for short.
"You two both have extra pencils?" Hermione asked anxiously. "And you've both used the facilities?" She was so nervous about their performance that Hermione had managed to arrange special dispensation to accompany the two boys to the exam site.
Professor McGonagall had been surprisingly helpful, saying she had done something similar when she was a lass, until an argument between her and Amelia over trademark infringement and cat suits had resulted in both their retirements.
"Uh huh." Goyle agreed.
"Good," Hermione said, "well . . . good luck." She watched as the two boys walked into the sealed room with all the other henching candidates, knowing in her heart that there was no chance that either of them would get any of the questions right . . . well, maybe the first one that asked what their names were.
"Excuse me," a polite man in a jet black cloak announced himself, "are you here to take the henching exam? If so then you need to go through that door, the red one, if you need help then I could take you in."
"No," Hermione said with a start, "I'm just here to support a couple of the people that are are taking it."
"I see . . . would you care to take another exam to pass the time," he asked, seeing the minion summoning necklace she was wearing. "Your minions are going to be in there for quite some time."
"What kind of exam?" Hermione asked. "Is it difficult?"
"One of the most difficult entry exams in the business," he agreed.
"Well . . . I haven't had time to study." Hermione bit her lower lip in distress.
"We don't actually put out a study guide," he said as he took her by the elbow and pulled her towards another exam area, "just do your best. You can always retake it again later if you want a higher score."
"Well . . . I suppose . . ."
"Excellent, why don't you wait in here with some of the other candidates while we get everything set up."
Hermione found herself in a small stifling room with several people that made Draco Malfoy seem like a humble and intelligent conversationalist. Each one of them was going on at length and in excruciating detail about how great they were and how they would dominate the competition.
"Not with those teeth you won't," Hermione muttered to herself.
"What was that?" The nearest moron asked sharply.
"I said not with those teeth you wont," Hermione replied, "honestly it's like none of you have ever heard of brushing." Her parents had always said that a good smile was important for a good career and a good career was the key to a happy life. "Look, the thing is . . . well, teeth aren't supposed to be black or fizzing."
"They aren't?"
"No they aren't," Hermione said firmly. She reached into her purse and pulled out a stack of emergency dental care coupons. "I want each of you to take one of these, they're each good for a free cleaning and one free cavity filling or extraction." Not that they'd be able to escape her parent's office before everything was taken care of but that little fact didn't seem important enough to mention. "Go get this done right now and take the exam later."
"But . . ."
"Go," Hermione growled, allowing the full force of her bossiness to wash over the room. In seconds, they were all on their way to the Granger Dental Clinic.
"Sorry for the wait, if you will all just . . . where did the rest of them go?"
"They're all out getting their teeth taken care of," Hermione replied.
"And just why are they doing that?"
"I pointed out how bad their oral hygiene was and passed out a few free coupons," Hermione explained, "good for a free cleaning and one filling or extraction."
"I wasn't aware that there were coupons for dental care?"
"Mum came up with them," Hermione said with a grin.
"Alright then . . . may I see one of these coupons of yours?"
"Sure," Hermione agreed.
"I notice that there isn't any mention of pain killer in this coupon?"
"Mum says that extra thick straps are cheaper and more efficient then pain killers," Hermione explained, "and dad says that this way they don't have to suffer through the hangover."
"I see . . . right this way please." The instructor was definitely impressed with the way she had removed the competition. They'd be going through quite a bit of pain, setting Miss Granger up as the Alpha in a subtle way, as she was the one that had sent them there. They'd even be paying her to do so, as their money was going into her family coffers and in the end they'd even have to thank her, as having perfect teeth would improve their appearance, an important trait for anyone that wanted to lead anything other than a pirate ship or the state of Arkansas.
The exam was relatively simple for Hermione as most of it consisted of logic puzzles and the remainder of the questions were easily solved by an application of common sense. Frankly, she was a bit insulted by how easy it was, after all who would be dumb enough to put a hero into an easily escapable death trap with only one inept guard?
"Done then?" the proctor asked.
"Is there any more?" Hermione asked half hopefully. "Perhaps something a bit more difficult?"
"Oh sure," he agreed, "but you have to be a full fledged member to get any of those tests."
"Are Crabbe and Goyle still taking their exams?"
"For a little while yet," he agreed.
"Does it cost anything to join?"
"Not until you rise higher," he said.
"And do I have to do any paperwork?"
"You'll have to do some after you complete the placement exams," he said with a frown of distaste, "but it doesn't have to be filed for several months yet."
"Alright," Hermione agreed, "I can still quit later if I want to right?"
"Of course," he agreed, "and there won't be any trouble unless you try to set yourself up as a non union villain."
"I'll do it then," Hermione agreed.
"Excellent," the proctor said with a grin, "I am always happy to see a new up and comer join the organization so please allow me to be the first to welcome you to the guild."
"Thank you," Hermione said. With a grin, she settled down to work through the next test.
This test was significantly more difficult then the last had been. It had sections testing everything from magical theory to knowledge of physics and engineering. Hermione felt a sense of profound dissatisfaction when she finally finished her exam and she felt herself deeply regretting the fact that she hadn't been able to study, cursing herself for her overconfidence after the first exam.
"How'd you do?" The proctor asked after she put her pencil down.
"Not good," Hermione admitted, "the magic section was no problem but the rest of it . . . I guess I never thought about how narrow the curriculum at Hogwarts really is."
"Well . . . you're still young," he said charitably, "and I suppose you could enroll in the Guild correspondence school to fill those gaps in your education."
"Is it accredited?"
"Fully," he agreed, "comes free with your membership. Most don't bother but they have some good programs."
"Great," Hermione said happily, "and I can retake this test later?"
"Not this particular test," he said as he looked over it, "but every department has their own exam which is longer and more difficult."
"Good," Hermione said in relief, "are Crabbe and Goyle finished yet?"
"Yep," he agreed.
"How'd they do?"
"Ended up scoring high enough to be rated lackey fifth class," he replied, "after they re-scored the written portion anyway."
"What do you mean re-scored?"
"They got a zero until it was discovered who you were," he said with a faint hint of embarrassment, "after that we passed them of course."
"Huh?"
"They answered every question with the words 'whatever Granger says it is,' even put that in the name block."
"I . . ."
"Like I said, as soon as they realized that you were Granger."
"I don't understand?"
"You're their boss," the proctor explained, "if you tell them that the sky is red then they'll accept that. Their world is what you tell them it is."
"I see . . ."
"Though if you'll take a suggestion."
"Please," Hermione agreed.
"You may wish to get more intelligent minions," he advised, "I'm not suggesting that you fire the two you already have you understand. I'm just saying that you'll need more then two and that you might want your future minions to be able to pour piss from a boot."
"I'll take that under advisement," Hermione agreed.
"Then all we have to do is give you some paperwork to fill out." He handed her a thick envelope. "And your membership card."
Hermione's thoughts were racing as she collected the moronic duo. She had tests to study for and new subjects to explore and she couldn't wait to get started. Having learned her lesson in her third year, she didn't even consider the idea of using a time turner choosing instead to cut back on sleep from four to three hours a night and Potions studies by half due to the Snape factor. For those who don't know, the Snape factor means that Slytherins get an extra twenty points, Hufflepuffs get deducted fifteen points, Ravenclaws lose ten, while Gryffindors loose twenty.
After returning to Hogwarts, Hermione went up to her bed and set to filling out the stack of paperwork that she'd been given.
"Name of your heroic nemeses," Hermione read with a frown, "I don't have a heroic nemesis. I don't even know any heros except for . . ." Her gaze focused on her best friend. "Harry, could you come over here for a second?"
"What is it?" Harry asked.
"Would you mind filling this form out for me?" She asked sweetly. "Please? I've been accepted in a fully accredited course, but I need a nemesis ."
Harry scratched his head. "Nemesis?"
"Yes, I need someone to work against. I'm suppose to dominate and control my nemesis as part of my work while they try and do the same to me. It's not something to be taken lightly. It is a lifetime commitment... unless you find it unfulfilling and then you can fill out some forms..." the bushy haired girl said shyly, looking at the ground nervously.
Harry reached out and lifted her chin. "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Just write your name in block one, Voldemort and his real name in block two, and sign it. I'll take care of the rest," Hermione said.
"Sure Hermione," Harry agreed, "anything you want." He quickly filled out the parts she'd indicated. "Need anything else?"
"That will do it, thank you Harry."
"No problem Hermione, like I said anything."
Hermione skipped off cheerfully, thinking of all the extra work she'd be doing.
IIIIIIIIII
Meanwhile, at the Dark Headquarters of the Dark Organization that Hermione had just joined . . .
"Granger kid's already filled out her paperwork," one of the bureaucrats reported to her boss.
"Already," her boss said with a pleased smile, "let me see. Hmmm, who's her nemesis this Harry Potter?"
"He isn't a member of the League but I looked him up and he's definitely an up and comer," she said quickly, "but that's not the best part, look at his old nemesis."
"Wonderful," her boss cheered, "I knew the kid was good but to rob the Scab Lord Mold and wort of his chief nemesis . . . well, I wouldn't be surprised if we ended up working for Ms. Granger some day."
"I agree," she said with a grin. "And on Ms. Granger's suggestion, I took the liberty of contacting the Dark Peerage to let them know that scab has been using a noble title."
"Ms. Granger suggested that?"
"She included a small outline of her future plans, number three was to find a way to help her nemesis deal with the scab and next to that was another notation wondering if the scab was really a Lord . . . oh and a doodle of a kitty."
"My god," her boss said in shock, "using her registered nemesis to deal with a scab. The girl's a prodigy."
"I know sir."
IIIIIIIIII
Voldemort was sitting on his throne watching his Death Eaters take turns torturing each other with a lazy grin on his face, it was good to be the Dark Lord, and it was good to be alive. His good mood began so sour when a large envelope appeared in his lap.
"Lucius," he screamed, "deal with this."
"Yes my Lord," Lucius simpered. He got down on his knees before his master and opened it with his finger. "It appears to be a cease and desist order my Lord," he said nervously, "stating that you may no longer use the term 'lord' in your exalted name."
"What?" Voldemort screamed. "Let me see that."
"It also states that you may call yourself a Dark Douche Bag but only after paying the fines for calling yourself a Lord and paying the fees to . . . master?" Lucius didn't like the look on his Lord's face.
"Cruc . . ." he cut off when another envelope arrived. While Lucius sighed in relief, the Dark Lord opened the envelope and read the missive inside. "Harry Potter changed to a union nemesis?" He said in shock. "No longer allowed to . . . CRUCIO."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry was in Hogsmead doing whatever it was that students did with the precious time they had away from their 'place of learning' when he was confronted by what appeared to be a male prostitute of some kind.
"Harry Potter?" A man in spandex and a trench coat asked.
"Who's asking?" Harry demanded.
"Captain Awesome with the League of Heros," the Lockheart lookalike replied.
"What can I do for you?" Harry decided that it was best to humor the obviously insane man, at least for the moment.
"I was in the area and so it falls to me to give you a bit of literature," he said with a sparkling smile, "and now that this is done I must be off. Up up and over there I go." He stretched his arms out in front of him and ran off making whooshing noises.
Harry flipped through the pamphlet until he was sure that the crazy man was not coming back then marked the box marked not interested and filed it in the nearest garbage can. There were many things in the world that he wasn't sure of, the fact that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the idiot in spandex was not one of those things.
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione was waiting in an empty classroom when her next two prospective minions arrived for their interviews.
"I'm gonna have your interviews together if that's alright with the two of you," Hermione said with a smile.
"That will be lovely," Luna said happily.
"I thought I was here to get my potions homework checked?" Neville said nervously.
"No," Hermione disagreed, "you're here to apply to the position of Dungeon Master and head torturer."
"I am?" Neville asked in surprise.
"You are if you want me to check your potions homework," Hermione agreed.
"Oh."
"What about me?" Luna asked. "Why am I here?"
"You're here to be my evil assistant," Hermione explained, "remember?"
"Remember what?"
"Never mind Luna," Hermione said with a sigh, "now then do either of you . . ." she broke off when an envelope bearing the wax seal of the dark peerage.
"What is it?" Luna asked. "Is it a puppy?" She finished hopefully.
"No it's not a puppy," Hermione said absently, "I'm being knighted."
"What?" Neville blurted, the boy had a look of shock on his face.
"For my work in exposing fraud claiming to be a noble and for the part I've played in attempting his destruction," Hermione explained, "allowing me to claim the title of Dark Dame and also granting me a small stipend. Now then Neville, why do you think you're qualified to become my Dungeon Master and head torturer?"
"Because you told me I was applying?"
"Good answer," Hermione said with a nod. "Luna."
"Yes Hermione?"
"Why do you want to become my evil assistant?"
"For the seduction of course," Luna replied proudly.
"The what?"
"The seduction," Luna repeated loudly, "you should really consider getting your ears checked Hermione."
"What seduction Luna?"
"Harry is your registered nemesis right?"
"Yes," Hermione agreed slowly.
"And as your registered nemesis, you'll be kidnapping him and putting him in easily escapeable traps right?"
"Uh huh."
"And to get out of those traps, the hero will often resort to seducing the evil assistant to gain her aid."
"What?"
"Oh it will be grand." Luna sighed.
"No seducing Harry Luna," Hermione said firmly.
"Of course not," Luna agreed with a scandalized expression on her face, "I would never dream of that. I want Harry to seduce and then properly ravish me, not the other way around. That would just be wrong."
"No getting seduced by Harry either Luna."
"But the evil assistant's handbook says that being seduced and ravished by your registered hero is one of my more important duties," Luna protested.
"How'd you know that?" Hermione demanded.
"It was one of the questions on the evil assistant's test," Luna replied, "why?"
IIIIIIIIII
Harry had finished with most of the errands he'd wanted to do in Hogsmede and had joined Ron for a bout of non-alcoholic binge drinking when he was again accosted by a strange looking individual. This time it was a woman in a trench coat and a pink mexican wrestler mask.
"May I have a moment of your time Mr. Potter?" She asked. "Regarding your possible recruitment into the league?"
"I thought I told you guys I wasn't interested?" Harry asked with a frown.
"You did," the League rep agreed. "And while disappointed, we were willing to accept your decision until we realized who was sent to talk to you. Please understand that nepotism isn't always a bad thing . . ."
"But it is in this case right?" Harry asked.
"On the nose Mr. Potter," the rep agreed, "and rather then saying no, I was hoping that you would ask me a question."
"What question?"
"That question would be 'What's in it for me?' You see Mr. Potter, we can help you with your registered nemesis and with the so called 'Dark Lord' Voldemort."
"How can you do that?" Harry asked suspiciously.
"Well," she said, "for one we can give you the League Handbook. Filled with hundreds of tips and tricks telling you how to survive and escape a wide array of deadly traps and ambushes."
"Ha," Ron laughed, "you gotta read a book."
"Fear not Mr. Weasley," the League rep said with a grin, "we have one for you too."
"I gotta read a book," Ron whined, "that's not fair."
"Why don't you look inside," the rep suggested.
"It's a picture book," Ron said in delight, "bloody brilliant. Much better then the manual they gave you."
"Yeah," Harry agreed dryly, "why would I want a book that outlines exactly how to survive attacks by super villains when I could read a comic."
"Exactly," Ron agreed with a superior smile, "looks like you picked the short straw on this one mate."
"Does this happen often?" Harry asked.
"There are two common classes of sidekick," the rep replied, "the apprentice type and the . . ."
"Ha," Ron laughed, "look at this picture Harry. It's a monkey with two asses."
"Uh . . . that's great mate," Harry said uncomfortably.
"As I was saying, there's the apprentice type and the comic relief type. It appears that Mr. Weasley is the latter."
AN: And that's enough of that one, at least for now.
Omake:
There I was," Ron began, "trapped in the dungeon so Harry had to face the Dark Dame on his own without my help."
"Then what happened?" One of the breathless firstys asked.
"Well," Ron said with a grin. "Harry was in a tight spot let me tell you, the Dark Dame had stolen Harry's clothes and wand so he had to take her in hand to hand combat."
"Then?" Luna prompted.
"It was bloody brilliant," Ron said enthusiastically. "First, Harry stripped her and took her wand to make things even. Then he pinned her down and forced her to scream for mercy."
"Uh . . . you saw that?" Hermione squeaked.
"I put a peep hole in the cell," Luna whispered, "I needed to keep him distracted while I arranged his escape . . . it wasn't easy to set things up so Ron could figure it out."
Omake by clell65619
In accordance with Guild Directive 2349837.214 dated March 13, 1996 a standard Plot of Doom was directed at my Guild Registered Nemesis, Harry James Potter. On April 7th I executed the plot (Guild Plot Archive Granger-392.7) and initiated Operation: Death by Multiple Orgasm against HJ Potter.
Assisting in this plot were my entire cell. Operatives Goyle, Crabbe and Longbottom stood guard and redirected the investigation of the authority figures while Operative Lovegood and I performed the actual attack. I would like to take this chance to submit special recognition for Operative Lovegood. She volunteered to perform the attack alone, allowing me to prepare for the next stage of my plans. It is unfortunate that I could not allow her to do so, as my sense of self worth would not allow me to send a minion to do something I was unwilling to do.
The attack proceeded according to the plan on file at the Guild Planning and Logistics office (Guild PaL Reference: Feminine Wiles-Tagteam-Granger/Lovegood-LuckyBastard-493), however due to unforeseen circumstances the attack exceeded it's scheduled window by six and 3/4 hours.
Despite the support of the Guild Planning and Logistics team, My Guild assigned Nemesis Potter managed a level 4 thwarting of the plot.
I can however report partial success. While failing to bring about the death of my Guild assigned Nemesis, he was rendered unconscious for several hours allowing for the escape of my entire team.
Enclosed is the preliminary outline for my next plot to destroy my Guild assigned Nemesis. I project that paperwork and planning for the implementation of this plan will culminate in a successful operation in late June of 2008.
- Yours in Villainy, Hermione Jane Granger.
Mini Omake by Tommy King
"I'm sorry miss but you didn't make the grade to be a Union Dark Lord, however we have a Harry James Potter, a Union Grey Lord looking for a 2IC and Strategist, interested?"
"What about Ron Weasley?"
"Oh he failed the shiny object test and has gone to work for the non-Union Light Lord Dumbledore."
Another Omake by Tommy King
"What about Ron Weasley?
"Oh, he changed his name and went to America to work with a Kim Possible, he liked the perks, a pet rat and all the nachos he could eat."
Omake by wt4dave
"Ah Harry how can I help you?"
"Well Headmaster," Harry answered, "I recently discovered an old Life Debt owed to Harold Potter, my grandfather. The goblins tracked down the son of the original person under the debt. We decided that he would lend me his bodyguard until Voldemort is taken care of."
"I'm sorry Harry, but retainers and bodyguards are not allowed to reside in the school unless they are part of the staff or another student."
"Yes sir, Hermione mentioned that. I was thinking Brock could teach a special Non-Magical Defense class this year..."
And another by wt4dave
TO: Guild of Calamitous Intent
FROM: Hermione Jane Granger, Arch Villain 3rd Class, HJG8675309
SUBJECT: Official Notice of Life Debt
In accordance with Guild Regulation LD54333328.1012 I am filing notice
that I owe several Life Debts to my Nemesis, Harry James Potter (See
Case File HJP0731801995). Since I am unable to conduct operations
against Potter until the Life Debts are paid I am declaring Case HFS.
My plan is to use the Life Debts to get closer to my Nemesis. Once
they are paid off I will be able to resume operations from a position
of strength with new understanding of my adversary.
Yours in Villainy,
Hermione Jane Granger
HFS - Heel-Face Swerve. I common tactic in professional wrestling
when the Heel (bad guy) pretends to join the Face (good guy) so he can
set him up later.
Omake by cloneserpents
Harry looked up from the morning edition of the Daily Prophet and said "It looks like Death Eaters are dying by the handful."
"Really?" asked Ron as he shoveled another heaping helping of kipper into his mouth.
"Yeah, according to the Prophet three were found in Knockturn Alley strangled, four were gutted in Spinner's End, and another six were found dismembered in one of the rooms at the Leaky Cauldron," the black-haired boy read.
"I wonder what's happening to them?" asked Ron as he masticated the fish.
"The Guild doesn't like scabs," Hermione said under her breath.
"What was that?" Harry asked.
"Oh, nothing," she replied and quickly covered her tracks, there was no reason for Harry to know of the Guild. "I was just thinking aloud about an Arthiamy problem."
Another Omake by cloneserpents
Early that evening, Ginny Weasley cornered Hermione.
"Listen here, you know-it-all, back off!" the younger girl said, jabbing her finger into Hermione's ribs for emphasis. "I've seen how you've been following Harry around and I don't like it, understand? You better leave well enough alone if you know what's good for you!"
After supper, Hermione met with her minions and told them of her encounter with Ginny.
"Do you think she'll follow up on her threat?" asked Luna.
"Even if she did, I don't think she'd be a threat," Hermione replied. "However, if she does try to do something, she might interfere with our plans. And I can't have that. We have to get her away from Harry."
"That will be difficult, she follows Harry like a puppy," Luna said.
"So, we'll just have to distract her," offered Neville. "Take her mind off of him."
"Good plan, Nev," cheered Hermione. "You're in charge of 'Operation: Distract the Ginger!'"
"How do you suggest I do that?" he asked.
"Oh, just use a mild Love Potion," advised Hermione.
"A Love Potion? But Ginny's already infatuated with Harry," Neville pointed out. "How will giving Ginny a Love Potion help her forget about Harry?"
"I never said that you should use the Love Potion to make Ginny fall for Harry," Hermione said. "I was thinking of another Gryffindor boy."
"Well, if not Harry, then who should Ginny fall for?" he asked.
Hermione replied by staring directly at Neville with a knowing smile on her lips. A second later, Neville began to blush and he said, "Did I ever tell you that I like being your minion?"
Omake by dogbertcarroll
"Just write your name in block one, Voldemort and his real name in block two, and sign it. I'll take care of the rest," Hermione said.
"Sure Hermione," Harry agreed, "anything you want." He quickly filled out the parts she'd indicated. "Need anything else?"
"That will do it, thank you Harry."
"No problem Hermione, like I said anything."
Ron walked over to the broadly smiling Harry, "What was that all about?"
"Apparently 'mione has decided to ask me to be her boyfriend."
"Good on you, mate! I was a bit worried she'd set her sights on me. It's not that I don't think she's beautiful or anything, it's just that I think she's a bit over my head. She won most of our arguments and that's just no good in a relationship."
Harry nodded. "Good point, that. Have you thought about Luna or Tracey?"
Ron scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Luna hardly argues with me at all, so I don't think she's interested. Tracey... well there's just no chemistry there. I'm thinking Pansy, truthfully. We've gotten into some splendid rows following potions."
Harry nodded. "Yeah, they were impressive. Well, I'm off to talk to Dobby. I figure my first argument with Hermione should be over S.P.E.W."
"Wow, that's shooting for the top. Sure you want to come on that strong to start?"
Harry grinned. "Have to. She put herself out getting us paperwork, making it formal, the least I can do is show an equally strong commitment to start with."
Ron slapped him on the back. "Glad to hear it. Well I'm off to find Pansy. I have a couple of remarks regarding snakes and Draco's weak blood, I've been dying to use."
"Have fun, and Ron?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for explaining about relationships. All I've really had to go on was the Dursleys and they really skewed how I viewed things."
"Not a problem. I knew no one had explained things to you and as your friend it was my duty. Well, wish me luck."
"Knock her dead!"
0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Snape was sprawled on the floor, his wand broken along with his kneecaps and one of his arms.
"And this is your only warning. Harry Potter has already been assigned a guild approved nemesis and as an unlicensed villain, you are not allowed to do squat to him. I hear even a hint of you trying to muscle in on another guild member's territory and the next meeting won't be nearly this civil."
The two large men faded back into the shadows.
"Who's next on the list?"
"I got a Draco Malfoy, but Granger said she'll handle that herself. I think she's going to try and get him licensed as a grade three nuisance to keep Potter from getting bored while she plots. We've got Tom Riddle and then Albus Dumbledore and we should be done."
Omake by fenriswolf001
To: the Dark Lady Granger, Daughter of Dentists
From: The International Confederation of Villains
re: minion guidelines
As you have been previously informed, the Confederation has received
several complaints as to the competency of your minions, to wit, they
are both well-trained and difficult to deceive, leading to an unfair
failure rate on the part of the heroes and heroines who attempt to
oppose your will. While such failures are expected and even
encouraged when minor heroes encounter you personally, your minions
are a different matter.
Underlings and lackeys by definition are supposed to be possessed of
a minimal level of competency and initiative. While several of your
minions do fall well within those guidelines (see Crabbe, Goyle and
Malfoy) the majority of your operatives (see Lovegood, Davis, Abbot,
Patil(s), Greengrass, Bones, et al) regularly exceed the maximum
skill levels for union minions. The Confederation has always adhered
to the belief that overly competent minions leads to the potential
risk of them striking out on their own, e.g. scabs, a situation best
nipped in the bud before it occurs.
We understand from your response to your steward's suggestion that
said over-achieving minions undergo standard union lobotomies (see
Steward dismemberment and disposal) that you feel such steps would
produce sub-optimal results. We also acknowledge (and give bonus
points for) your vicious and frightening threat to involve your
parents, both members in good standing in the Evil Overlord
Affiliate, the International Orthodontics Association, in any further
dispute.
We therefore suggest a compromise, that you refrain from contracting
any further hyper-competent minions until such time as the lower
scores of your sub-competent members (see Riddle, Tom) brings the
overall average down to union standards. Given your ongoing mission
statement, re, the death of your arch-nemesis one Harry James Potter
due to an overdose of orgasms, this should not result in any undue
hardship on the part of your organization. We await what we hope
will be your positive response in this matter.
Sincerely,
S. Claus, Esq.
Supreme Overlord of Evil
Omake by blueneck666
"Excuse are you the registered nemesis of one 'Hermione Granger'?"
"Err, yes."
"I'm your interviewer for your possible induction into the League. Now if I could just ask you some questions and then move on to the next applicant, I would appreciate it. Now then first question, do you have any previous experience with foiling fiendish plots by criminal masterminds, evil overlords, etc.?"
"There was this one bloke named Voldemort whose tried to kill me six or seven times."
The interviewer looked at her clipboard, "Ahh yes, your previous nemesis. So you have previous experience as a freelancer and want to move up?"
"Um, sure."
"Was any of the disrupted plots created for the sole purpose of vengeance for the first foiled plot?"
"At least two. Now he just does it cause he hates me."
"Sufficient prior experience," she remarked as she marked something down, "gender male: have you ever rescued a minimum of two separate damsels from a dangerous beast, death trap, kidnapping, or horrific accident leading to her eventual demise?"
"I saved Ginny Weasley from a 60 foot snake when I was twelve. And Gabrielle Delacour from a colony of merpeople when i was fourteen."
"Do you have an alias?"
"No nearly everyone knows who I am."
"Excellent," she smiled. "Now then, you are becoming too old to be titled 'boy hero' and given an apprenticeship for a few years to gain skills and work experience. However, we are starting a correspondence course to compete with the guild. Welcome to the League, Junior Hero Second Class Harry Potter. Heres the handbook and some spare paperwork." She said dumping a thick book and a stack of papers into his arms. "Goodday."
Harry looked at the paperwork in his arms, "Why do I have 30 copies of 'Accidental Private/Public Property Damage Liability Negation Form'?"
Omake by meteoricshipyards
"Hermione! I should have known it was you! How'd you do on the transfiguration test?"
"Pretty sure I O'ed it, Harry. But enough small talk! As much as I admire you, Harry, this will be our last meeting!"
"Wait! Before you kill me, can you at least tell me your plans?"
"Sure, since it will do you no good! I've got an Arithmancy project due tomorrow, and some Ancient Runes to study. Since you take neither of those classes, as I said, it will do you no good to know! And there's no way to stop me! Unless you need help with the potions essay."
"No, I'm good, finished it this morning, but maybe if you need a break you can check it for me. So what happens now?"
"This is a minor variation on the trap you so cleverly escaped last time. We have the weight, and instead of the fire that would cut through the rope, which unfortunately didn't work because my henchgirl used cable instead of rope and it didn't burn.
"But this time, no fire. That huge bale of dandelions currently weighs more than that weight over you. Once I leave a Snorkack will come through that door and start on its favorite meal. As soon as the
bale of dandelions weighs less than the weight, it will lower and crush you. Bwaa haa haa!"
"Hey! That's pretty good. You've been practicing your evil laugh."
She blushed prettily. "Thank you for noticing. Well, see you later!"
"Bye, Hermione."
Harry pulled at the ropes holding him. Acromantula silk ropes, which, as Hermione told him the first time, was "pound for pound stronger than steel!" Of course that first time she hadn't actually used rope, and the single strands of silk she had used didn't weigh hardly anything so all he had to do was pull and he was free. But not this time. Real ropes.
The other door, connected by an intricate mechanism to the one that Hermione just left by, clicked and swung open. Through the door came a ...
A snake? Harry was a bit disappointed. He had been looking forward to finding out what a snorkack looked like.
"What happened to the snorkack?" he asked in parsletongue.
"It was its poker night and asked me to fill in. Said all I had to do was eat my favorite food, but I don't see any mice."
"Must have made a mistake. Could you help me get out of these ropes?"
"I can try." The snake grabbed the loose end of the knot, and suddenly Harry's hands were free.
"Thanks. Come on, I'll summon you a mouse."
"Thanks, mate."
- - -
"Hi, Hermione."
"Hi, Harry. Here's your potion's essay. Looks good."
"Thanks."
"Oh, be careful around Luna. I ran into her a little while ago and she was grumpy."
"Luna? Grumpy?"
"Seems she lost a bit of money playing poker."
Mini Omake by Tommy King
"Err, Your Dark Ladyness, what exactly do you want me to do?" asked the now redshirted Draco.
"Oh, you're on my Security Detail." replied Hermione
IIIIIIIIII
"Draco, open that door and make sure it isn't booby-trapped." ordered the Dark Lady.
Proud to be given such an important job in the service of his new leader Draco strode, er, minced forward and flung the door open.
BOOOOOOOOOM, the door exploded and he was sure he heard Crabbe or Goyle shouting in the distance as his vision faded
"Oh my God, they've killed Draco!!"