Omake: Pet Fleur
"Now all we need ta do is get ya a pet," Hagrid rumbled. He took the boy into the pet shop and spent several minutes examining the owls to find the best one.
"I want that one," Harry said, his gaze locked on the creature in the shop's largest cage.
"I am not a pet," the well endowed platinum headed girl growled. Fleur was not having a good day, she'd gone to this triple damned island of pigs with her father to conduct some business and as soon as she'd let the man out of her sight, an odious toad like individual had captured her and locked her in a cage. "My name is Fleur and . . ."
"Well . . . yer only su'pos ta have an owl er a cat er a toad, but I don't see the harm in ignoring all that."
"Yay," Harry cheered.
"You're not even listening to me are you?" Fleur demanded.
"I think I'll call you . . . Hedwig," Harry said thoughtfully.
"I said my name is Fleur."
"Hedwig."
"Fleur."
"Hedwig."
"Fleur, or I will give you such a pinch."
"Fleur then," Harry agreed. "And I'm Harry, pleased to meet you."
It could have been worse, Fleur thought to herself as the boy examined the subway schedule, she could have been sold to the man in the comical bowler hat. "Is something wrong 'arrie?" She asked the child.
"I don't want to go back to the Dursley house," Harry said with the most adorable pout.
"Really, why is that?"
"Because they're all a bunch of bastards," Harry said honestly, "and they'll probably make me let Dudley play with you."
"Oh." Fleur didn't know why but she felt a chill at that last sentence. "Do you 'ave much money."
"Ten pounds." Harry dug around his pockets for a few minutes to find the money Hagrid had given him to get home. "Four Galleons, sixteen Sickles, and three Knuts."
"Give them to me," Fleur ordered, "I will have them exchanged so that we can get tickets to somewhere else."
"Okay," Harry agreed, "here."
"Thank you 'arrie," Fleur said with a smile.
"You're welcome," Harry said automatically.
Fleur marched up to the money changer and dropped a few of the coins on the table. "What is the exchange rate on these?" She demanded.
"Is this real gold?" The astonished clerk demanded.
"What else would it be you silly man?" Fleur asked with a coy smile.
"Here." He counted out several hundred pounds. "Take this and we'll call it even."
"Is this enough for two tickets to France?" She demanded.
"More then enough," He agreed.
"Thank you then," Fleur said, her smile returning full force, "come along 'arrie."
"Coming Fleur," Harry agreed. The trip to France was one of the most interesting experiences in Harry's young life, first they'd ridden a bus, then a ferry, and now they were on a train. "Hey Fleur."
"What is it 'arrie?"
"Why can't I understand anyone?"
"Because they are all speaking French," Fleur replied, "it is a civilized tongue unlike the barbarous language they speak in your 'omeland that sounds like the grunting of pigs."
"Oh . . . can you teach me?"
"But of course 'arrie," Fleur agreed, "or else you would not be able to go to school."
"They speak French at Hogwarts?"
"You are not going to that dreadful place," Fleur said with a wave. She'd been able to wring details of the boy's home life out of him over the course of their time together and there was one thing that she was sure of, he was not going back. "Beauxbatons, a much better school I assure you."
"But I wanna learn magic," Harry protested.
"You will learn magic at Beauxbatons," Fleur assured him, "better magic." Sure that there was nothing in the world that the English pigs could do half as well as the civilized French.
"Oh . . . okay then," Harry agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
A miasma of despair had fallen over the Delacour residence with the disappearance of their eldest daughter while abroad with her father.
"Why did I let her out of my sight," he cried out in anguish, "why?" He would never forgive himself if anything had happened to the girl, never. Grief turned to joy when one of the maids arrived with the missing girl and a child clad in rags.
"Hello," Harry said, "my name is Harry and this is my pet Fleur."
"Yes," her mother said dryly, "we know Fleur."
"I told you," Fleur sighed, "I am not a pet."
"I got you in a pet store so you're a pet," Harry said stubbornly. He finally had a companion and he was not going to let her go.
"His logic is impeccable daughter," Madame Delacour said with a smile. She turned to address the boy, "would you care to get something to eat?"
"Can I?" Harry asked in excitement. "Come on Fleur, let's go get something to eat."
"I would like to talk with Fleur while you are eating," Madame Delacour said quickly. Upon seeing his hesitant look she decided to add, "do not worry, no one will take Fleur away."
"It is okay 'arrie," Fleur prompted him.
"Okay," Harry agreed slowly. One of the maids took his hand and began leading him out the door.
"Be sure to give him a bath," Madame Delacour added to their retreating backs, "and get him some new clothing." She turned back to her daughter. "I assume you can explain this daughter?"
Indeed she could, Fleur spent the next few hours explaining to her parents what had happened, spending extra time expounding on the roles of two particular individuals and speculating on their parentage.
"Fudge and Umbridge," her father growled, "I'm sure of it. To think they would . . . never mind that now. Rest assured that I will see them punished for the crimes they committed against you my daughter."
"Thank you father," Fleur said with a happy smile. "Now if you will excuse me, it has been a long day and I would like to get to bed."
"Good night daughter," her mother said with a smile, "and pleasant dreams. 'arrie is already waiting for you in your room."
"Mother?"
"He was quite insistent that he had to sleep with his pet," the woman said, "and how could I say no to such an adorable face?"
AN: Just popped into my head, Delacours on the brain. Suppose I could have added a scene where young Gabrielle demanded that she get a pet too and she wants a pet Harry.
Omake: Different Compartment
"Is it okay if I sit here?" Harry asked nervously, he'd opened the first compartment he came to and found it full of several older girls.
"He's just soooo cute," the pink haired one squealed, "come in here and sit on big sister's lap." She pulled Harry into her lap and pushed his face into her (currently) massive cleavage. "What's your name?"
"Mumph."
"What was that?" She loosened her grip just enough to let Harry breath normally.
"Harry," he replied, "Harry Potter."
"I'm Tonks," she introduced herself, "and this is Cleo, Sandy, and Maxine."
"Nice to meet you," Harry said politely.
"We're all in Hufflepuff," Tonks continued, "and I'm fairly sure that you and I are cousins."
"Really?" Harry said hopefully. "I have family aside from the Dursleys?"
"Who are the Dursleys?" Tonks asked curiously. The explanation that followed enraged the group of girls who resolved to do everything in their power to erase the poor boy's bad memories . . . starting with the entire family Dursley. "You poor thing," Tonks sobbed as she showered Harry's face with kisses.
"Don't hog him," Sandy growled. She pulled Harry into her own lap and gave him a large sloppy kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry, we're gonna make everything better."
"Hey Cleo." Tonks motioned the other girl closer.
"Yeah?"
"There any firstys that came from Hufflepuff families?" Tonks whispered. "With a last name that starts with a letter before 'P.'"
"Bones," the other girl said immediately, "Susan I think."
"Thanks," Tonks whispered back. She raised her voice, "I'm gonna go get us some snacks. Do you have any requests Harry?"
"I've never had any snacks before," Harry said honestly. This of course set off another round of sobbing and kissing, Harry never noticed when Tonks slipped out in the confusion.
Nymphadora (say my first name and die) Tonks had never been as angry as she was at that minute. The second she got to Hogwarts she was going to send off letters to her mother and future boss complaining about Harry's treatment and asking why nothing had been done to improve it. It was inexcusable that anyone be treated the way Harry had been much less a relative. And if this was the sort of then that the Department of Magical Law Enforcement allowed to happen, well then Tonks was going to have to rethink her application.
The two first year girls looked up as Tonks entered their compartment. "Is one of you named Bones?" The older girl asked.
"I am," Susan agreed, "and this is my friend Hanna Abbot."
"Wonderful," Tonks said with a grin, "I need your help."
"With what?" Susan asked.
"Here's the situation," Tonks began. The two younger girls frowned as the metamorph explained what had happened to Harry over the course of his short life and those frowns turned to smiles as she explained her plan. "That's it," Tonks said as she finished up, "are you two on board?"
"Of course," Hanna said.
"We're Hufflepuffs," Susan agreed, "er . . . I mean we will be."
"Great," Tonks cheered.
IIIIIIIIII
"Potter, Harry." Every eye in the Great Hall fixed on Harry as he walked up and put the Hat on his head.
"Interesting," the Hat muttered. It took a moment to consider the Abbot girl's threats and the Bones girl's offers. "But if they want you then who am I to say no?" It's voice raised so that the entire Great Hall could hear it's judgement, "Hufflepuff Girl's Seventh Year Dormitory."
"What?" Minerva squawked.
"What does this mean?" Dumbledore demanded, for once the twinkle in his eye wasn't present.
"Exactly what it sounds like," the Hat replied, "he'll be bunking with the seventh year Hufflepuff girls. Next."
"Lucky bastard," Fred muttered.
"Wish we'd thought of that," George agreed. Silently, and with a few variations, a good portion of the upper year males agreed.
AN: An idea that's been bothering me for a while. Would have gotten written sooner but I couldn't think of any threats or offers to make to the Sorting Hat, in the end I just skipped that scene.
Addition by David Brown
Later on...
"But Tonks, there are six of us, but only five beds."
"Then we'll have to share. That's your first lesson about Hufflepuff. Hufflepuffs share, Harry. And tonight, I'm sharing with you. Now, where are your pajamas?"
"Haven't got any. The Dursleys never spent any money on me."
"Well, you're a boy, so it just wouldn't be right for you to wear mine. So we'll all have to go without. Right, girls?"
"So say we all!"
That night, young Harry slept the best sleep he had ever had. And he had pillows. He had never had a pillow before, and now he had two. As Harry returned to consciousness in the morning, he decided that the pillows had to be magical. They were warm, and they made soft noises in the night.
Couple Omake for Henching
Chapter 85 of 'Odd Ideas'
Omake for Henching by Taren
Voldemort was sitting on his throne watching his Death Eaters take turns casting the new and improved curses Bella had found. The moaning, screaming and writhing was almost as good as the Crucio he used, and the victims lasted much longer before passing out. Lounging back in his throne with a lazy grin on his face, he gestured for his most favored servant to rise.
"Bella what's today's correspondence?"
Bella rose from her knees wiped the spittle from her face and opened the ornate envelope on the side table. "It appears to be a cease and desist order my Lord," she said, "stating that you may no longer use the term 'lord' in your exalted name."
"What?" Voldemort screamed. "Let me see that."
"It also states that you may call yourself a Dark Drag Queen but only after paying the fines for calling yourself a Lord and paying the fees to . . . master?" Bella didn't like the look on her Lord's face.
"Cacu. . ." he cut off when another envelope arrived. While Bella sighed in relief, the Dark Lord opened the envelope and read the missive inside. "Harry Potter changed to a union nemesis?" He said in shock. "No longer allowed to . . . .CACUMEN"
Bella shuddered for a moment before collapsing to the floor moaning and writhing.
Omake for Henching by cloneserpents
Warning: Naughtiness ahead! Implied oral sex and multiple partners. I suggest that you skip this message if you get offended by such things.
Slowly, Harry's eyes opened. The last thing he remembered was walking down the hall after Double Transfiguration, then a bright red light enveloped him. He found himself, now, in one of the castle's many unused classrooms, bound by invisible ropes to the chair at the instructor's table.
"Ah, you've finally woken up, Mister Potter," Hermione drawled out. The way she said 'Mister' told Harry that such an important title shouldn't be abbreviated into 'Mr.'. Her face was a mask of superiority and contempt. The brunette stepped before Harry, cradling Crookshanks in her arms, stroking his orange fur.
"Hermione, what's going on –" he began to ask. "Oh, have you started arching me?"
"Yes," she replied, a bright smile broke through her stern appearance. "This is my first sanctioned attempt on your life!" she said with excitement.
"Brilliant, give me a mo'," he requested. After taking a calming breath to center himself, Harry slipped into character: the hero captured by the villain. "You'll never win, you vile witch! Your fiendish ploy won't succeed!" he said, defiantly.
"Ah-ha, Mister Potter, that is where you are wrong. There is no escape for you!" Hermione stated, returning to her character. "In a few moments' time, my deathtrap will spring and you will be no more."
"Wait a tic, no one said anything about a 'deathtrap,'" protested Harry. "I know you're my union nemeses now, but that doesn't mean you have to try and kill me for real. I thought we agreed you'd just pretend to try to kill me."
"Don't worry, Harry," assured Hermione. "The deathtrap is a week's load of Snape's laundry hanging over your head. It's triggered to dump on your head, nothing sinister or fatal, I promise."
"Err, Snape's laundry," a very worried Harry said, looking up at the basket dangling over his head, ominously. The thought of the greasy potions master's unmentionables cascading down upon him sent chills through the young wizard.
"Again, don't worry, Harry. My henchmen and I cleaned the clothes five times," Hermione said. "It may be a deathtrap, but dumping that git's dirty laundry on your head would be too damn cruel. Even if I really did want to kill you, I couldn't do something that foul."
"Oh, thank God."
"Now, if you don't mind, let's get back into character," continued Hermione. "The union has some very strict guidelines and I must gloat over your impending doom. They call it 'monologuing.'"
Harry cleared his throat and announced, boldly, "You vile witch! You'll never get away with your fiendish plan."
"You've already used 'vile' and 'fiendish,'" Hermione pointed out. "It works better if you use different adjectives and descriptive words."
"Sorry, but I'm new at this," returned Harry.
"True, it's a learning experience for both of us," the brunette agreed. "I'll buy you a thesaurus.
"Back to my monologue," continued Hermione. Stroking her cat, Hermione said in a condescending sneer that would've made the owner of the basket of clothes hanging over Harry's head proud; "Once you're gone, Mister Potter, no one will be able to stop my nefarious plan –"
"Oo-ho, 'nefarious' is a good one," interrupted Harry, making a mental note to use that descriptive word the next time.
Ignoring the disruption, Hermione forged ahead in her villainous rant; "My plan to take over the world will succeed! Without you to meddle and interfere, no one can –"
Once again, Hermione was interrupted. This time it was the sound of a zipper being pulled down that halted the brunette's planned speech. While Harry's eyes shot wide open and his face turned a brilliant red, Hermione huffed in indignation; "Luna."
"Yes, Lady Granger," Luna's disembodied voice came from the space under the table.
"I thought you were going to have Harry seduce you, not the other way around," she said.
"To be honest, that would be a waste of time, my Lady," Luna said from her hiding place, clearly between Harry's legs. "We both know that Harry's handsome, brave and dashing. So it goes without saying, that he would seduce me effortlessly. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that it would be pointless for Harry to seduce me because the outcome was guaranteed and I should pass over the unnecessary seduction and just hop right into the down and dirty act."
"Luna, there are rules and procedures we must follow," explained Hermione. "As you, yourself, stated, it is one of your more important duties as my evil assistant to be seduced by my nemeses. You can't just skip over these important rules just because Harry's handsome, dashing, and brave."
"You can add 'very well endowed' to that list, as well," amended Luna and Harry's blush deepened.
"Really? How well endowed?" asked Hermione.
"Vrree whal indowket, Waddy Grangrr."
"Luna, it's impolite to speak with your mouth full," Hermione lectured. After chewing on her lip, she announced; "Well, I'm sure there's a 'well endowed' loophole somewhere in the guidelines."
Hermione marched to the door, opened it a crack, and ordered Neville, who was standing watch outside the classroom; "There's been a change of plans, Dungeon Master."
"Yes, my Lady."
"Set up a number three-dash-nine-four in the hall to go off at sunrise tomorrow," commanded Hermione.
After quickly checking his notes on Hermione's numerous master plans, backup plans, and backup-backup plans, Neville said, "Right away, ma'am."
Before closing the door, Hermione handed her cat to her henchman, ordering "And take care of Crookshanks, too. He needs his supper and he likes his ears scratched after eating."
She closed the door and sauntered over to Harry, who was now sweating profusely. The brunette waved her wand and the basket of clothes over the young wizard's head disappeared. "Such a deathtrap is not fitting for you, Mister Potter," Hermione spoke over the wet sucking sounds emanating from under the desk. "My minions are erecting a heinous trap in the hall, Mister Potter. It's a ward that I created called 'The Pathway of a Thousand Playful Pinches.' Come morning, if you haven't escaped my clutches, you
will be forced to endure those 'Playful Pinches.' You will be doomed to suffer tiny, pinches if you cannot free yourself. Some might even leave small welts."
"And how, ah, can I escape this, ah, evil t-tr-ap?" he asked, struggling to remain coherent under Luna's skills.
"Well, you'll just have to get through me," Hermione said, and let her robes fall from her shoulders.
"Whk ahbut mhk?" sounded the blonde under the desk.
"And you'll have to get through Luna, too," added Hermione as she unbuttoned her blouse. "And, by the time you've dealt with my evil assistant, I'm sure I will have recovered and you'll just have to go through me once again."
"You're a whole lot better nemesis than Voldemort!" cheered Harry.