Disclaimer: DON'T EVER do what Ron does, he's a trained professional and you should NEVER EVER do it yourself.
Neutered
Ron was sitting in the Common Room pretending to look at Homework but actually contemplating what and how much he was going to have for lunch that day, when Hermione approached with a hopeful look on her face.
"Ron, could you do me a favor."
"What do you need Hermione?" Ron asked, rubbing his jaw and wondering when it would stop aching.
"When you go down to get your tooth pulled out, please take Crookshanks with you. He needs to get neutered, hopefully it'll calm him down and he'll learn what is and isn't acceptable behavior."
"Tooth pulled," Ron repeated dumbly.
"Don't play dumb," Hermione giggled, "you know as well as I do that teeth aren't supposed to turn black. You need to get it pulled now, before it gets any worse."
"Uh . . ." Ron procrastinated, recalling the twins telling him about how painful getting a tooth pulled was last hol, while trying to talk him out of his candy.
"Just do it," Hermione sighed, "please."
"Fine," Ron agreed, "but you owe me."
Ron picked up the large orange menace, Hermione called a pet, and wondered if the twins were joking when they'd said that you couldn't take pain potions when getting a tooth pulled.
Ron pondered all this while walking to the Hospital wing. On the way, he had the misfortune of running into Draco Malfoy and his two goons.
"And yet another troll for the weasel," Draco gloated, as he waved around a potions essay that Ron had thrown away and he'd retrieved.
Ron groaned and tried to control his temper. He knew Draco was just winding him up and Snape was lurking in some shadow waiting to deduct points. Finally getting a hold of himself, Ron stomped off ignoring the albino's taunts, wishing he'd been able to come up with a decent comeback and not just been thinking about removing some of Draco's teeth with a beater's bat.
Ron stormed into the Hospital wing and dropped the angry Crookshanks into a conveniently placed cage.
"What can I do for you Mr. Weasley," Madame Pomfrey asked.
"Hermione told me to come down here," Ron said glumly.
"And."
"And Crookshanks needs to get . . ." A sudden thought occurred to him, he knew that tooth extractions were painful and messy but he had no idea what 'neutered' meant, but Hermione had mentioned something about it improving temper and helping learning. Deciding to throw caution to the winds and to go with the devil he didn't know, Ron seized his chance. "A tooth pulled," Ron said happily, "and I need to get neutered."
"Are you sure?" Poppy asked with an odd look on her face.
"That's what Hermione told me to do," Ron said with a nod.
"And you're sure about this?"
"Uh huh."
"You didn't perhaps anger Ms. Granger again did . . ."
"It helps people with their temper problems and makes it easier to learn, right?," Ron growled.
"Well, I suppose it does," she replied, thinking about the distractions young men's hormones often were.
"Then that's what I want!"
"And me!" Draco burst in. He knew there was a reason that damn mudblood had been outscoring him in all the exams, she'd probably been neutered herself and didn't his mom once say something about his father being neutered and he knew his father was an intelligent man.
"If you insist," she agreed slowly, after the inevitable argument between the two had settled down.
Hermione arrived an hour later to pick up her cat and see how her friend was doing. Not to mention gloat a bit, she'd told Ron to improve his oral hygiene and to stop eating so many sweets.
"Here for your cat?" Madame Pomfrey asked.
"Yeah," Hermione agreed, "and to check on Ron. I know how painful that sort of thing can be."
"You know . . ." Poppy asked dumbly. No, she decided, it wasn't any of her business and Dumbledore had warned her that Harry and his friends may need some 'special' treatment while they were at school. "Well, come in then."
"How's Crookshanks?" Hermione asked. "Did he behave himself."
"He's fine," Poppy said, "I checked his mouth and didn't see any teeth that needed to be removed."
"Of course not," Hermione agreed, "I'm very particular about his diet and oral hygiene."
"Then why did you ask me to extract one of his teeth?"
"I wanted Crookshanks to be neutered," Hermione explained, "he's been chasing Professor McGonagall around the castle. Ron's the one that needed a tooth removed and . . . . oh god, he didn't."
IIIIIIIII
Narcissa was going through the day's post when she came across a peculiar letter from the Hogwarts' school nurse.
"Oh my," Narcissa said in shock. That shock deepened when her spies began reporting in. "Oh my," she stammered. This was bad, this was really bad. It seemed that Draco had earned the ire of someone who could squash him like a bug, not to see to it that the minx didn't have a designs to remove the entire Malfoy family from the world. "Lucius."
"What is it Darling?" Lucius asked.
"It seems that young Draco has chosen to have his testicles removed," Narcissa purred, "possibly in some misguided attempt to be more like his father."
"I'd have thought he'd get his heart removed to be more like his mother."
"Eunuch."
"Bitch."
"Take a look at this," Narcissa said with a comely grin as she handed over her reports.
"She sacrificed a pawn to destroy our prince," Lucius said in an admiring tone, "and thus engineered the destruction of the Malfoy family in one fell stroke."
"We must do something before she has a chance to finish the job with us," Narcissa agreed, "and I did always want a daughter."
"So be it," Lucius agreed, "with her at the helm the Malfoy family will go on forever."
AN: Polish by dogbertcarroll
OMAKE by Tanaxanth
Ron was sitting in the Great Hall with Harry and Hermione, trying to talk and with his sore tooth.
"I tellin you Harry, that thing Pomfrey did has me feeling great," Ron said then winced as he took a bite of ice cream. "I feel like I can move easier and do anything."
Harry and Hermione both winced as she tried to think of a way to tell Ron what had happened, and what that meant.
Just as she was about to explain to Ron that neutering was not a good thing to the continuation of the Weasley line, Malfoy and his goons walked up.
"Potty, Mudblood, Weasel," he said as if he has said it before and had no one to write him new material. "What is this I hear about you getting something that gave you enhanced abilities?"
Ron's face grew red as he was about to attack the Slytherin, when Hermione's hand rested on his arm calming him down.
Harry then said, "It's ok Ron, Draco couldn't handle it anyway. He isn't brave enough to put himself on the line for these abilities."
Hermione did a doubletake as she listened to what Harry was saying, and added, "That's right... it takes a real man to be neutered."
Malfoy's cheeks grew red as he realized the Weasel had outdid him on something, then for the first time in his life he attempted to use the cunning that Slytherins are known for. "Oh I see... well thank you Granger for telling me the secret, soon I will be better than Pothead over there." He quickly stormed out of the Great Hall leaving Crabbe and Goyle looking at him then shuddering at the thought of being neutered. They quickly walked back to the Slytherin table to look for a new boss.
Ron looked at Harry with concern and asked, "Hey mate shouldn't you do that so you can make sure Malfoy doesn't get stronger than you."
Harry gulped a moment and suppressed a smile, "It's ok Ron, you can take care of him for me, after all haven't you always said you wished you were better than me in something? You can have this."