Disclaimer: We're the Double Mint twins . . .
Double Your Pleasure
Harry sighed when Parvati gave an exaggerated sniff of disdain as she walked past. He supposed he couldn't blame her, not after the way he'd treated her at the dance.
"Parvati," Harry called out as he ran after the girl, "wait."
"What is it?" the girl hissed.
"I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I ruined your dance," Harry gasped.
"Go on," the girl said neutrally.
"It was my first dance and being with a witch as pretty as you . . ."
"You think I'm pretty?" she interrupted.
"Very," Harry agreed with a deep red blush.
"Alright," she said suddenly, "I accept your apology."
"Thank you," Harry said in relief.
"On one condition," she added.
"What is it?" Harry asked nervously.
"You have to agree to take me on another date to make up for that one," she explained, "if you take me on a good date . . ."
"Then you'll forgive me?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Then we'll go on more of them," she giggled, "okay?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed brightly.
She turned and began sashaying away.
"Wait," he called out.
"What is it?"
"Do you know where your sister is?"
"Why do you want her?"
"Ron's never going to admit that he did anything wrong," Harry stammered, "and I am his best mate so I thought . . . that is to say . . ."
"I'll be sure to tell her for you than," she offered, "thank you again Harry."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione was in the library when she saw Ron. That was her first clue that something was wrong, coincidentally enough it was also the first time that Ron had gone to the library without being coerced in some way.
"Hermione." Ron looked like he hadn't slept for a week. "Can . . . can we talk?"
"Sure," she said slowly, "what do you need?"
"In private," he added.
"Of course, Ron." Hermione was starting to get worried about her friend. "Let's go find an empty classroom."
IIIIIIIIII
Hedwig was an exceedingly clever Owl. Still, she was just a bird, and so it wasn't surprising that it took her several years to figure out why she kept being forced to endure several long months in the land of no bacon every year. This would have to change, the old fool would get one warning and then . . . well, he'd learn just why owls were at the top of the food chain.
IIIIIIIIII
Parvati walked into an unused classroom for a meeting with her twin.
"Anything happen that I should know about?" she asked her sister as they changed robes.
"Harry had a very nice apology for you," Padma announced as she walked up to her sister, "sounded like he'd been practicing it for hours."
"Oh?"
"Said being around such a pretty witch made him nervous."
"How sweet," Parvati sighed, "what did you tell him?"
"That he owed another date to make up for the bad one and that if it were good enough then several more would follow."
"Did he say anything else?"
"Apologized to me for Ron's behavior and noted that it was unlikely that the ponce would give us one himself," she added, "I thought that it was quite sweet of him."
"I agree."
"And I hesitate to bring this up, but . . . well . . ."
"Yes?"
"We share everything else, and he really is a sweet boy."
"Much better then the usual dregs," her sister agreed, "and it allows us to continue switching places."
"Would be a shame to discard the reason we had the hat place us into separate houses," she mused, "not like those brain dead Weasley twins."
"Someone needs to sit them down and explain what subtlety is."
"Typical Gryffindors.'
"True."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione sat Ron down in one of the empty study rooms and gave him her most sympathetic look. The one she'd practiced in the mirror to use when Harry lost the tournament if the fool boy didn't think survival was reason enough to celebrate, this seemed like a good time to test it.
"What's wrong?" she prompted gently.
"I . . . I ate a piece of quiche by mistake at the ball," Ron sobbed, "I thought it was pie."
"And . . ." Hermione looked at him oddly.
"And that means I'm gay doesn't it?" Ron replied.
"Eating quiche doesn't make you gay," Hermione said with a long suffering sigh.
"But I liked it," Ron protested, "and the twins said . . ."
"You believed something the twins said?" Hermione asked incredulously.
"No," Ron replied, "I believed the exact opposite of what they told me."
"Look, Ron . . . I like quiche. Does that make me gay too?"
"You're a girl," Ron replied, "so it doesn't count. I'm not sure what the rules are for girls."
IIIIIIIIII
Hedwig was an apex predator, master of all she surveyed. Sure some said that humans were at the top, Hedwig scoffed at the notion, hadn't she befriended the most powerful of their kind? Didn't he give her offerings of bacon every morning? Hedwig's head bobbed in satisfaction, her logic was impeccable.
Hedwig sailed into the Headmaster's office through an open window and dropped a 'warning' on the man's desk.
"Chirp?" Fawkes chirped quizzically, unwisely drawing her attention.
IIIIIIIIII
Ron sighed, this was the hardest thing he had ever done.
"Hey Malfoy, got a minute?"
"What do you want weasel?" Draco sneered.
"I was just wondering, is there a membership card or something?"
"For what?" Draco asked condescendingly.
"For being gay," Ron explained, "you're the only gay guy I know and . . ."
"What do you mean gay?" Draco whined. "Haven't you seen me with Pansy?"
"And as beards go, yours could use a bit of work since she's practically a boy." Ron sighed. "About that membership card . . ."
"What makes you think I'm gay?" Draco demanded shrilly.
"Well." Ron held up a finger. "To start with, there's all the time you spend on your hair."
"I like to look my best," Draco protested.
"The way you seem to spend all your time with a couple of strapping young lads." Ron held up another finger.
"They're there for my protection," Draco tried to explain.
"Uh huh, then there's the way . . ."
Ten minutes and several hands full of fingers later...
"I always figured you had a thing for Harry, what with the way you always insisted on showing up in our compartment at the beginning of each year and all."
"Certainly not!" a confused and slightly worried Draco replied. "I mean sure he has beautiful eyes, but he's a half blood and look at his hair! I could never be with someone who took so little care of their hair," Draco protested, "and I'm not gay," he finished with the last said almost as a question.
IIIIIIIIII
Parvati giggled at the look of concentration on Harry's face. It was obvious that he was trying his best, it was equally obvious that the boy had no idea what he was supposed to do on a date.
"I'll be right back, Harry," Parvati giggled.
"And I'll be waiting for you," Harry promised with such conviction that his magic formed a small halo around him signifying he'd just performed a magical vow.
She ducked into the bathroom and found her twin checking her appearance in the mirror.
"How's the date going?" Padma asked.
"Wonderful," Parvati replied, "he really is a great guy."
"He's just clueless-"
"-awkward-"
"-and unlucky," Padma finished. "Care to switch?" she added hopefully.
"Okay," Parvati agreed. A couple practiced flicks of their wand changed their house colors and hairstyles. "How do I look?"
"Studious, and me?"
"Ravishing."
"Wonderful."
"Pad."
"Yeah?"
"Dibs on kissing him first," Parvati said firmly, "okay?"
"Okay," Padma agreed, "it's only fair."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione looked up when she noticed a great disturbance of the Common Room peace.
"What kind of a girl do you think I am?" Lavender screamed. She pulled back her arm and slapped Ron across the face. "Honestly."
"What did you do, Ron?" Hermione asked with a long suffering sigh.
"I just asked her for some tips," Ron said in an injured tone.
"On what?"
"Well, there's a note on the wall of the bathroom that says Lavender gives the best . . ."
"That's enough," Hermione said quickly, "I get the picture."
"So . . ."
"So Lavender's not that kind of girl and neither am I," Hermione said firmly, "understand?"
"Yeah," Ron agreed glumly, wondering if Malfoy had any tips he'd care to share, even if he did seem to be in denial.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry smiled when his date returned, his smile became strained when he realized that he had no idea how he was supposed to greet a girl after she returned from a trip to the lavatory.
"Er . . . um . . . you look nice," Harry mumbled.
"Thank you, Harry."
"Did . . ."
"Yes?" she prompted.
"Did you do something with your hair when you were gone?" he ventured.
"Why do you ask?"
"Just felt like there was something different about you," Harry said with a frown.
"Yeah," she agreed quickly, "I changed my hair."
"Oh, looks nice."
"I'm glad you approve," she murmured in relief, "thank you for noticing."
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore returned to his office to find the most mysterious mystery since the Chamber of Secrets had been opened two years prior.
"How in the word did a rabbit's head end up on my desk?" Dumbledore muttered to himself. The head in question came from an older rabbit if the long grey fur was any indication, another odd thing about it was the crude 'u' scratched into its forehead. "And who would fill my lemon drop bowl with owl pellets?" he shook his head. "Students and their pranks I suppose." He turned to his familiar. "Did you see anything, Fawkes?"
The phoenix in question just shook his head in denial.
"Fawkes!?" 'How on earth does a phoenix get a black eye?' It was the first time Dumbledore could remember seeing a visible injury on his companion. "What happened to you?"
"Chirp," Fawkes replied before putting his head under his wing.
"Ran into a door knob?" Dumbledore muttered in disbelief.
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione looked up as an owl wearing a leather gimp mask flew in and dropped something onto Ron's lap.
"What's that, Ron?" Hermione asked.
"My copy of 'PegBoys Quarterly,' it's got a special article on dealing with splinters."
"Honestly," she groaned, "I've told you . . ." she sighed, "just let me do some research, okay?"
"Hmmmm?" Ron was so engrossed in his reading that he hadn't heard a word the girl had said. "Sure, Hermione, whatever you say."
"Really?" Hermione asked. She'd been expecting an argument.
"Yeah," Ron agreed, "you're my sidekick, so whatever you want."
"What do you mean by that?" Hermione demanded.
"It says here that all gay guys have a female sidekick." Ron pointed to the column he was reading. "We'll get an apartment after we graduate and we'll cry on each other's shoulders when our relationships fail . . . er . . . something wrong, Hermione?"
IIIIIIIIII
Harry fed Hedwig another owl treat as he finished giving her an update of what had happened to his life. He often came up to speak with Hedwig, she was after all the one being he trusted with his secrets, the one being he knew would never betray him.
"Thanks for listening, girl."
Hedwig's eyes narrowed as her human walked away. He'd told her his hopes, his dreams, about his new girlfriend. What he hadn't told her was that they weren't going to the land of no bacon that year. Obviously her warning had been ignored, obviously she'd have to dispose of the old fool.
IIIIIIIIII
Padma and Parvati switched back into their robes and apprised their twin of how they'd spent the day.
"Planning anything later today?"
"No, why?"
"I told Harry that I'd try to get my sister to help him find a solution to the second task," she explained, "I'm fairly sure that Hermione is already in."
"Of course," she agreed, "he is our boyfriend after all."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione was already in the library when Harry arrived and the Patil twins joined them a few minutes later.
"Thanks for helping me find a solution," Harry said to the three girls, "it really means a lot to me."
"Of course I'd help you," Hermione said hotly, "you're my best friend."
"Of course we'd help you," Parvati laughed. "You're our boyfriend . . . er, I mean my boyfriend," she quickly corrected as all three witches blushed.
"You're dating my sister," Padma agreed, "and I'm happy to lend a hand."
IIIIIIIIII
Albus smiled as Ron took a seat next to his father.
"I understand that the two of you have some personal issues you need to discuss," Albus said with a grin.
"Yes, Headmaster Dumbledore," Arthur agreed.
"Then I would be delighted if you could make some use of the conference room."
"That will be wonderful, thank you again, Headmaster."
"Not at all, I'm happy to help." Dumbledore waved them through a doorway that they'd have both sworn had not been there before and into a large room. "Why don't I just leave you two alone?" he suggested. "Just call for one of the elves when you'd like to leave."
Ron turned to his father and took a deep breath. "What is it you want to talk with me about, dad?"
"I just wanted to tell you that it's okay to experiment while you're in school," Arthur assured his son, "that's what being in school is for." He looked around to make doubly sure that there were no portraits listening. "Why," he lowered his voice, "I tried quiche myself when I was your age."
"Really?" Ron asked.
"Tried it more then once," Arthur continued. "But that's not what I wanted to tell you."
"It isn't?"
"No, Ron . . . Son." Arthur sighed, "you eat whatever kind of food makes you happy. No matter what happens, you'll still be my son."
"Thanks, dad."
"Unless you become a fan of the Wasps, then I'm disowning you."
"I'm a Cannons man through and through," he said hotly. "Thanks for the talk, dad."
"Anytime, son."
IIIIIIIIII
The Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress were taking their weekly stroll around the grounds when a large piece of masonry narrowly missed the Headmaster's skull and buried itself deeply into the turf.
"My word," McGonagall gasped, "are you injured, Albus?"
"No," Dumbledore replied, "I'm quite alright . . . please make a note to have the castle checked, Minerva."
"Of course," she agreed, "imagine if that had hit one of the children."
Above them, resting on the ramparts, Hedwig glared down. The old fool had gotten lucky, but she'd win in the end. He had to be lucky every time, she just needed to be lucky once.
"Prick," Hedwig barked. Time to think up another plan.
IIIIIIIIII
Ron ran into the library and flopped into a seat next to his sidekick Hermione.
"Sorry I'm late," Ron said as he plopped into the chair, "but I had to . . ." he trailed off when he noticed the glares being directed at him from the twin witches, "do something I'm not finished doing," he said lamely, "so I can't help for more than a few minutes."
It didn't take more then five minutes of having to endure the Patil twins' poisonous glares before Ron broke.
"Look at the time," he laughed nervously, "gotta go. Bye, Harry."
"Later," Harry said absently, "you guys find anything?"
"What about this charm?" Parvati called out, her mood much better now that the ginger headed moron was gone. "It creates a large bubble to float up to the surface."
"Which neatly takes care of half your trip into the lake," Padma said enthusiastically.
"What book are you looking at?" Hermione asked.
"One of the ones I borrowed from the Common Room," Parvati replied, "why?"
"You have books in your common room?" Hermione demanded.
"Several," Parvati agreed, "why do you ask?"
"May I have a look?" Hermione asked hopefully. Damn it, she never should have asked the hat to put her in Gryffindor. If only she'd known that Ravenclaw had their own library filled with rare tomes.
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore's eyes swept over the cheering crowd. With a smile, he cleared his throat and began to speak.
"May I have your attention please," Dumbledore called out, "the second task of the . . ." Dumbledore cut off when a crossbow bolt appeared out of nowhere and pinned his robes to the podium.
Moody sprang into action, grabbed a broom from a member of the audience, and raced up to the rampart that the shot had come from.
"Albus," Minerva screamed.
"I'm not hurt," the Headmaster said calmly. He watched calmly as the Defense Professor returned at a more sedate pace. "Find anything?"
"Crossbow and an owl," Moody grunted, "guy was long gone. Looks like we're dealing with a professional."
"Looks like it," Dumbledore agreed. He turned to Hedwig. "You're Harry's owl aren't you, girl?" Dumbledore laughed. "It's a shame you can't tell me who was up there."
"Prick," Hedwig replied. She couldn't speak many words, but she'd been practicing that one for months.
Dumbledore turned to address the crowd, "I apologize for the interruption." He took a couple of deep calming breaths. "The second task is to retrieve the person that will be missed most by the contestants, that is all." He hurried off the stage and into the safe secure judges' box.
"On your marks . . ."
Harry frowned, he'd expected Parvati to be missing after the girls had deduced the meaning of the test, but he was sure that Padma and Hermione would have shown up to meet him.
"Get set . . ."
He pulled out his wand and took several calming breaths.
"Go."
Harry carefully pulled what appeared to be a mouthguard out of his pocket. Harry wasn't quite sure how it worked, just that it kept the air in his lungs oxygenated and that it had taken weeks to get the charms right. He then transfigured a couple rocks into weights and dove into the water, letting the weights in his pocket drag him down and past the other contestants.
Harry frowned when he saw his best friend, his girlfriend, and her sister all chained to the bottom of the lake.
'Dumbledore must have been confused at which twin was which?' he reasoned. "And everyone knows that I'd be lost without Hermione.' Harry nodded to himself before incanting three quick spells that surrounded the girls with bubbles of air, causing them to jet to the surface.
He was about to do the same for himself when the two remaining hostages caught his eye. 'In for a penny, in for a pound.' Two more quick spells sent the other two girls rocketing towards the surface and a third meant that he would soon be joining them on the shore.
Harry reached the surface and got a brief glimpse of the shocked Judges and a very relieved Fleur before slumping to the ground.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry woke up to see three anxious female faces looking down at him.
"Wa hppned?" Harry groaned.
"You came up too fast," Hermione sobbed, "I'm sorry Harry, I forgot all about decompression sickness. It's all my fault that you're here."
"Waaa?"
"Bad things happen when you go down and come up to quickly," Padma whispered to Harry, "Hermione has convinced herself that it's all her fault that you're here."
"Yu cam up too," Harry slurred.
"Something about the potions they made us drink before we went down protected us," the girl explained.
"S'ok Hermine," Harry tried to reassure his friend, "don cry."
"Told you he wouldn't hate you," Parvati soothed the other girl, "nobody can know everything."
Parvati's statement was akin to waving a red flag in front of a bull. Over the next week, Hermione threw herself into the acquisition of new knowledge to the exclusion of everything else.
Things finally came to a head when Ron and Hermione's roommates decided that they'd had enough and tried to force the girl to come out of the library. It's perhaps needless to say that they weren't successful.
That's when they decided to wheel out the big guns.
"Guys," Harry said with a smile. Through mostly healed, Madame Pomfrey had insisted on keeping him in the hospital wing 'just to be sure.' Privately, Harry figured it was because the Healer wanted to keep him from 'the dangers of the world' in a nice safe hospital wing where nothing bad ever happened.
"Harry," Parvati had been chosen to speak for the group, "we have something we need to discuss."
"What is it?" Harry asked nervously, she wasn't breaking up with him was she?
"I think Ron would be the best person to tell you," Padma interjected. The twins still hadn't forgiven the twit for the disastrous date at the ball.
"Ron?"
"Yeah, er . . . you haven't wondered why Hermione hasn't visited have you?"
"What happened?" Harry barked.
"She's locked herself in the library," Parvati said quickly, "she doesn't eat more then a couple bites during meals and she has . . . Pad tells me that she hasn't slept in days."
"She disappears after lights out," Lavender supplied, "we think she's running back to the library."
"My clothes are in Madame Pomfrey's office," Harry began calmly, "get them please."
"But . . ." Parvati tried to protest.
"Now," Harry said firmly.
"Yes, Harry," she agreed meekly.
Harry got dressed and headed to the library in a quick walk, he didn't have enough friends to let one of them work herself to death.
IIIIIIIIII
An evil grin would have adorned Hedwig's face if she had the lips to express it. Sometimes you just have to get traditional about these things, she thought to herself as she flew east towards the Greek Archipelago, sometimes you just had to use the methods that had been used by the greats in the past.
"Prek," Hedwig barked. The example made with the death of Aeschylus had taught the world not to slander the avian community in plays and other performances. The example of Dumbledore would show the world that one should never deprive an owl of her bacon.
IIIIIIIIII
Closely followed by the group of students that had brought the matter to his attention, Harry strode into the library and came to a stop in front of Hermione's table.
Harry was appalled by his best friend's appearance. Hermione's eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep, her skin was sallow, and her normally bushy hair was matted looking as if it hadn't been brushed in days.
"Get up," Harry ordered.
"Harry?" a smile lit Hermione's face. "You're out of the hospital wing? But I thought . . ."
Harry grabbed the girl and threw her over his shoulder in a fireman's carry and stormed out of the library past a grinning Madame Pince.
"Put me down," Hermione demanded, "Harry James Potter you put me down this instant."
Harry ignored both the squirming girl and the shocked group on his heels until he finally reached the Great Hall.
"Harry, I'm warning you . . ." Hermione cut off when the world spun and she found herself sitting in her customary spot at the Gryffindor table. "What's . . ."
"Eat," Harry cut her off. He filled a plate with a large selection of everything within reach and plopped it in front of Hermione. "All of it."
"All of it?" Hermione's asked in dismay as she stared at the Ron sized serving.
"All of it," Harry agreed. He watched as Hermione made a good attempt at emulating Ron and waited until she was reduced to staring at her plate helplessly until he gathered her up in his arms to make the trip up to the Gryffindor Common Room.
"Put me down," Hermione demanded when they went through the portrait. The majority of the watchers would later agree that the flush on the young girl's face indicated that she'd made the protest solely for the sake of appearances.
Harry finally came to a stop in front of the girl's staircase. "She's not allowed to have a book until class on Monday," Harry announced, "if anyone sees her with a book then you're to tell me immediately."
"But, Harry . . ." Hermione whined.
"Do you want to find out if it's possible to go through a week of classes without any books?" Harry interrupted.
"No, Harry," Hermione said meekly. Her flush deepened by several shades.
"Good, now get to bed and stay there until tomorrow morning or so help me I'll . . ." Harry trailed off as his mind failed to supply an appropriately dire threat.
"I'll be good," Hermione promised, she rubbed her cheek against her friend's chest, "I'm glad you're out of the hospital wing, Harry."
"I'm glad to be out," he replied. Harry looked down to find his best friend fast asleep in his arms. "Er . . ."
"We'll carry her up for you," Lavender said with a grin, "eh' Pad?"
"We're happy to help," Parvati agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
Hedwig had captured her prize and was winging back to Scotland, thinking that the classics were all well and good but this had better bloody work.
"Uuuugh," the tortoise groaned. Damned avians.
IIIIIIIIII
Padma caught up to her sister the next day and the two retired to an empty classroom.
"We have a problem," Padma sighed.
"I saw the look on Hermione's face too," her sister agreed, "never would have thought she was the type."
"I would have."
"Eh?"
"You've seen how she sucks up to the Professors, enjoys nothing more then being told what to do."
"Got it, really likes having someone in authority over her."
"And that's our Harry."
"What are we going to do?"
"I don't know," her sister replied, "but I know what we're not going to do."
"It wouldn't end well if we tried to keep them apart," Parvati sighed, "they've been friends since bloody first year."
"Since Harry tossed himself on a bloody troll for her," Padma corrected, "guess that has a way of bringing people together."
"I trust Harry," Parvati announced.
"And Hermione isn't the type to steal someone's boyfriend," Padma agreed, "not intentionally anyway."
"Set her up with someone else?"
"Who?"
"Good point . . . maybe . . . what if we . . ."
"Last resort," Padma said firmly, "absolutely last resort."
"Agreed, though . . ."
"What?"
"I think we'd better resign ourselves to resorting to it," Parvati sighed, "if we want to keep him happy." She'd rather liked getting a glimpse of the 'take charge Harry' and a small part of her wondered if letting Hermione join might not increase the chances of seeing that attitude again.
"Harry's going to learn just how lucky he is one of these days," Padma agreed, "and it might help to have Hermione in our corner." Hopefully without letting the other girl join, sharing with family was one thing but sharing with someone that wasn't her sister?
"In case he doesn't realize how lucky he is," Parvati agreed cheerfully.
"Boys have a way of blowing the smallest things out of proportion," Padma sighed.
IIIIIIIIII
The Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress were again taking their weekly stroll, this time well away from any bits of loose masonry, around the grounds when another object fell from the sky and narrowly missed the Headmaster.
"Aghaagra," Dumbledore squealed.
"My word," Minerva said in astonishment, "a Mediterranean tortoise. I wonder how it got here?"
"It's got my nose," Dumbledore screamed, "the tortoise has my nose." What followed was a string of words definitely not suited to a school environment.
"Really, Headmaster," Minerva huffed, "language."
"Get im off, get im off, get im off . . ."
"Honestly Albus, the poor thing is probably frightened to death and your hysterics are not helping the situation one bit."
High above, Hedwig had turned to get a look at her handywork. "Prek," the owl cursed. Well, at least she'd done some damage to the old goat. Who knew assassinating people could be so hard?
IIIIIIIIII
It was the end of the weekend and Padma found Harry doodling on a bit of paper while he waited for their date to begin.
"What are you doing, Harry?" Padma announced herself.
"Trying to decide if it's worth my bother to go talk to Dumbledore about the second task," Harry replied.
"Oh?" Padma frowned. "What do you want to ask him?"
"Well, I still don't understand why they took you and your sister, the only thing I could figure is that they couldn't tell the difference between you two or something," Harry said in confusion, "it's not like I'm dating both of you."
"Of course not," Padma laughed nervously, "what a silly idea."
"Yeah," Harry agreed, "I guess so."
"And I'm sure it was because they couldn't remember which one of us you were dating," the girl babbled, "so there's no reason at all to look into it."
"I guess not," Harry agreed.
"Now then," the girl purred as she climbed onto Harry's lap, "why don't we find something else to occupy your mind?"
"What did you have in mind?" Harry asked with a grin.
Needless to say, Harry got back to his dorms a bit late that night.
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione was sitting between her two friends at breakfast the next day with a book in her lap, eager to make up for the time she'd lost in her forced vacation from reading that weekend when a large owl flew into the great hall and deposited an envelope on her plate.
"What's this?" Hermione muttered to herself as she examined the large envelope the owl had given her.
"Oh good," Ron cheered, "it came."
"Sidekicks Monthly," Hermione read in a dull voice.
"I've heard it has great articles for sidekicks like you," Ron said with a grin, "neat huh?"
"I am not your sidekick," Hermione said reflexively.
"Read the article on page six twenty five and then tell me that," Ron challenged.
"So you think you're not a sidekick, top ten signs that you are," Hermione muttered. Her eyes darted over the page as she took in the information. "Oh god," she wailed.
"Told you," Ron said a touch smugly.
IIIIIIIIII
A night in the hospital wing and Albus was almost as good as he'd been before. His nose was still a bit off center and there was a bit of scarring, but all in all he felt rather lucky to have escaped such a vicious tortoise maiming with only superficial scars. On the other hand, the worse thing about the whole situation, the absolutely unforgivable thing was that Minerva had not permitted him to turn the little bugger into soup after they'd finally managed to pry the tortoise off his nose.
"Little bastard tried to eat me," Albus muttered, "only fair that I should be able to eat him."
IIIIIIIIII
Padma was bouncing with excitement when she met her sister the next day for their first switch of the day.
"Sister."
"What is it?" Parvati replied.
"I've got a cunning plan," Padma said with a smug grin.
"I never should have showed you that stupid tele series," Parvati moaned.
"You're just jealous because you don't have a sense of humor and haven't learned to appreciate the subtle . . ."
"Get on with it," Parvati interrupted, "what's your plan?"
"We invite Harry over to our place for summer hols," Padma said with a grin, "think of it."
"A whole summer alone with him," Parvati agreed.
"Won't be easy getting around mum and dad," Padma cautioned.
"But we've been running rings around them for ages," Parvati scoffed, "and I think the pay out is more then worth the effort involved."
"Speaking of payout."
"Yeah?"
"Colin came through on the pics," Padma said with a lazy grin, "check this out."
"We can never let Harry know we have these," Parvati said, her eyes locked on the photo.
"Creepy little bugger thinks he sold them to Draco," Padma said with a shudder, "we're going to have to find a way to convince him not to do something like that in the future."
"True."
IIIIIIIIII
Hedwig selected another dart and carefully rubbed the tip on the back of the frog she'd procured from one of the less reputable shops in Knockturn alley. No more Miss nice owl, it was time she got serious about things. The old fool would get one more 'warning' and if that didn't work then she'd pull out the big guns.
IIIIIIIIII
The Weasley twins immediately accosted a bewildered Harry as he walked into the Gryffindor Common Room that night.
"Harry," George called out, "we can't tell you how proud we are of you."
"You've done what every man-"
"-us especially."
"Has dreamed of since the dawn of time."
"Good on you, mate."
"Did the marauders proud."
"We were starting to doubt-"
"Just a bit mind you."
"Only a bit, yes."
"To doubt that you took after your father at all."
"Since you never took part in any pranks."
"What were we supposed to think?"
"Nothing, that's what."
"But this, this is stupendous."
"Tremendous."
"Super keen. You should have told us that you were saving yourself for a debut like that."
"We would have kept quiet."
"But you didn't."
"And it makes us sad."
"Not that you managed it."
"But that we can never top it."
"Harry Potter."
"We salute you," the twins said together. They gave him a smart salute and marched out of the Common Room.
"What just happened?" Harry asked in confusion.
"Don't worry about it," Padma said quickly, "and shouldn't you be on a date with my sister right now?"
"I don't think so."
"Better go wait in the Great Hall just to be sure," she advised, "cause I'm fairly sure she told me that she was looking forward to something today."
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore looked over the assorted staff members, pausing a second to glare at the tortoise in Minerva's arms before allowing his gaze to move on.
"Are you going to be able to get the shrubbery grown in time, Pomona?" he asked the portly head of Hufflepuff House.
"No problem, Albus," the woman replied.
None of them noticed as the window cracked open a bit.
"Wonderful," Albus cheered, "have you arranged for security, Alastor?"
"I have," the scarred man replied, "but I'm still going to want to make one last walk around before the contest starts."
"Of course," Dumbledore agreed.
"And when I'm finished, no one goes in or out till the students start their bloody contest. I . . ." the man's hand shot up to his throat and a shocked look came over the defense Professor's face as he slumped to the ground.
"Out of the way," the healer shouted, she elbowed a slow Snape in the ribs. She reached the body and hit it with a couple quick diagnostic charms. "He's dead."
"What?" the rest of the staff gasped.
"Poison," the Healer said professionally, "delivered by the dart in his neck. Oh, and incidentally, this isn't Mad Eye Moody."
"Who is it then?" Dumbledore asked.
"Won't find that out until after the autopsy," the Healer replied, "this may be a good time to call in the Aurors."
"Yes," Dumbledore agreed, "of course."
IIIIIIIIII
In testament to how serious the death of the faux Moody was taken by the upper echelons of the Ministry, Amelia Bones herself came to supervise the investigation.
"What do you got?" Amelia asked as her people returned with their findings.
"We found a blowgun on the ledge," the first Auror reported, "whoever this is, they're a pro."
"What's the autopsy tell us?" Amelia barked.
"Poison used is associated with a type of South American frog," the coroner said absently, "and I can't be a hundred percent sure but I believe I have an identity."
"Who is it?" Amelia asked calmly.
"A dead man."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Barty Crouch Junior," the replied, "glad sorting this mess out isn't my job."
"That's why I get the big paycheck," Amelia sighed, it was going to be one of those days.
IIIIIIIIII
It wasn't hard to get the raw materials for the next stage of her plan, Hedwig mused as she watched her jerrycans get filled, all she need was a bit of gold and a cooperative human.
"So what are you planning to do with all this petrol?" the man at the pump asked with a bored expression on his face.
"Prek."
"Didn't realize it was so explosive," he said calmly. Man his buddies had sold him some premo shit.
"Prek, prek prek."
"I see, yeah we got LPG too."
"Prek."
"That much?"
"Prek."
"Well, so long as you can pay for it."
IIIIIIIIII
As Hedwig prepared to enact the next part of her plan, tentatively called 'Operation Plentiful Bacon,' the contestants readied themselves for the third task. The powers that be had decided to continue the Tournament despite several objections from everyone with more then two brain cells to rub together.
"I still say this is a bad idea," Minerva growled.
"And I still say that you should let me eat that damned turtle," Dumbledore retorted. He punctuated his point with a jab at the 'damned turtle' in question, something that in hindsight was a very bad idea. "My finger," Dumbledore squealed, "it's got my bloody finger."
"Well you shouldn't have shook it at him like that," Minerva said unsympathetically, "honestly Albus, I don't understand why you can't leave the poor tortoise alone." She was half convinced that he was jealous at the attention she gave the creature.
IIIIIIIIII
Hedwig crawled under the Dursley family automobile and expertly disabled the brakes. Sure it would have been nice to take care of all the loose ends at the same time, but she'd rejected that plan for being overly complex.
IIIIIIIIII
Ron, wearing his best new set of pink dress robes, flopped down next to Hermione on the stands.
"Here I am," the boy said happily, "they haven't started yet have they?"
"No," Hermione said. On her other side, Padma and Parvati did their best to ignore Harry's insensitive friend. "They're just starting."
"Wonnnnnnderful," Ron purred.
"Where'd you get that robe anyway?" Hermione demanded. It hadn't been easy to drag her attention away from the maze, but Ron's eye searing robes been too flamboyant to miss.
"I can't tell you in front of the norms," Ron whispered, "it's something that I can only share with my sidekick." That fabulous little house elf had made him promise after all.
"I . . ." Hermione sighed. "Fine."
"Super."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry rushed through the maze, defeating challenge after challenge until he finally reached the trophy along with Cedric. Like they did in a hundred other dimensions, Cedric and Harry stood together before the trophy.
"You take it," Cedric sighed, "you deserve it Harry."
"Why don't we both take it?" Harry suggested.
"What?"
"That way it'll still be a Hogwarts victory if we both take it," Harry argued.
"Right," Cedric agreed, "on three."
"One-"
"-two-"
"THREE," they said together as they grabbed the trophy.
The maze dropped, the sky lit up as sparks flew everywhere, and the crowd went wild when they saw the two Hogwarts champions holding the cup aloft. It was a good day for Hogwarts, one of the best in the school's history. Much contraband alcohol was consumed and the party lasted until the small hours of the morning.
IIIIIIIIII
The next afternoon, Hedwig picked the lock on the back door and crept into the empty house to enact the next stage of her cunning plan.
IIIIIIIIII
Padma and her sister each took possession of one of Harry's hands as they got into the carriages that would take them to the train.
IIIIIIIIII
Hedwig watched with a sense of deep satisfaction as the Dursley house disappeared in a massive fireball. Sure the pyrotechnic display had taken a lot of extra work and granted it would have been easier to just wire the whole thing with C4, but it wouldn't have been half as pretty.
The wily old fool had managed to escape her this year, but she'd still thwarted his inept attempt to banish her to the land of no bacon and there was always next year.
"Prek prek prek," Hedwig precked as she plotted the Headmaster's doom.
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore was just pouring himself an early afternoon pick me up when the floo flared and a frantic Ms. Fig appeared.
"Albus it's awful," Ms. Fig sobbed, "you have to come quick."
"What is it, Arabella?"
"The Dursley house . . ."
"What about it?" Dumbledore asked intently.
"It's . . . it's gone."
"What?"
"I overheard one of the local police say that someone blew it up," Fig said breathlessly, "they've got an armed unit here and they're evacuating the neighborhood. There are magical things here, I can't let them check my house."
"I'll be right over," Dumbledore assured the panicked woman.
IIIIIIIIII
The Dursleys squealed in fear as their car raced uncontrollably down the deserted road.
"Hit the breaks, Vernon," Petunia screamed.
"Bloody things won't work," Vernon bellowed.
IIIIIIIIII
It didn't take long to summon Aurors to take charge of keeping the muggle authorities out of Ms. Fig's magical residence and so Dumbledore was left free to go off in search of the Dursley family to see if they might not have some clue as to what happened to their residence.
Thanks to the many tracking charms he'd been thoughtful enough to apply to nearly everything they owned, Dumbledore was able to locate them in no time and he quickly apparated to their location.
He found the three of them sitting by a pond watching mournfully as their car sunk into a rather large duck pond.
"Just the people I was looking for," Dumbledore said cheerfully, "would any of you happen to know why your house exploded?" Dumbledore asked. "It's rather important to establish if was an accident or not before Harry arrives."
"Our house?" Petunia moaned.
"What about my things?" Dudley whined.
"No," Vernon said firmly.
"Excuse me?" Dumbledore asked.
"No way in hell are we taking that freak back," Vernon growled, "our house blew up, someone cut the bloody break lines on my bloody car, you . . ."
"Mr. Dursley please," Dumbledore interrupted, "be reasonable."
"Reasonable?" Vernon demanded. He shoved the old wizard, causing the other man to fall to the ground. It was an action that saved Albus' life. "I'll show you . . ." Vernon cut off when he noticed a large shadow forming on the ground around him, he had just enough time to look up and scream before the grand piano crushed him into a paste.
"Well," Dumbledore muttered in shock, "I guess you're right." He made eye contact with the two remaining Dursleys, "I guess if the wards have degraded this bad then it'd be better if Harry didn't come back." He apparated away before they had a chance to reply.
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore was waiting when the train pulled into the station and he greeted Harry and his friends when they stepped onto the platform.
"I'm afraid I've got some rather shocking news for you, Harry," Dumbledore said slowly, hoping to spare the boy the shock of receiving such horrible news.
"What is it?"
"I'm afraid that your house has exploded," Dumbledore said mournfully, "so you will not be able to stay with your relatives this year. In addition to that . . . in addition to that your uncle has been the victim of a rather nasty accident and is no longer among the living."
To Dumbledore's dismay Harry's jaw dropped open and he just seemed to stare into nothingness. To everyone that had interacted with the boy beyond dropping vague hints that would lead him to mortal peril, it was obvious that Harry was trying to convince himself that he wasn't experiencing the best dream of his life.
"He can stay with us," Parvati said quickly.
"It'll be no trouble at all," Padma agreed.
"And my house is always open if theirs isn't," Hermione said helpfully. She wasn't going to end up an old maid with a Weasley roommate.
"We've already asked our parents," Padma said evenly, "and our house is already warded."
"But you could join us if you like," Parvati offered.
"We'd have to ask our parents first," Padma corrected firmly. She shot a glare at her twin.
"So . . . I don't have to go back to the Dursleys then?" Harry asked slowly, a smile bloomed on his face as the information sunk in.
"I'm afraid not," Dumbledore consoled the boy, "it really isn't safe . . ."
"Vernon's Dead and I can spend the summer with my girlfriend?" Harry continued.
"Yes, I suppose the Patil family has strong enough wards to . . ."
"BEST YEAR EVER," Harry cheered.
AN: Polish by dogbertcarroll,clell, rijl_kent, and thewombat. Blowgun by Finbar, Tortoise by dogbertcarroll, more by others I'm sure I'm missing. The Hermione liking Harry part took me by surprise, but it got the ideas flowing. If I were to write this out as a full fic, then Hermione would just be another obstacle for the twins to overcome on their quest to double date their green eyed boyfriend. May have to write a Hermione turned on by authority fic at some later date. Could have made this longer, could have made this better, but I just wanted to finish it.
Omake: Never liked the way this scene came together.
The Headmaster looked up from his breakfast as a large imposing owl dropped a large imposing package on the table in front of him.
"What could this be?" he muttered to himself.
He dropped the box in surprise when a large and angry badger sprang out and began savaging the Head of Slytherin House.
"Get it off, get it off," Snape squealed.
Hedwig watched from her place on Harry's shoulder. "Prek," she cursed. The old fool had escaped justice once again, though she did manage to maim the slimy dark haired bastard. It was a small consolation.
Omake: Ron finds out that Quiche is brain food and decides that he's a genus
"Hermione," Ron began with a condescending look, "I've eaten over two pounds of quiche today . . ."
"That doesn't change the fact that you're wrong about Meriweather's rules of potion making," Hermione snapped.
"How much quiche have you eaten today?" he asked snidely.
Omake: Poorly done
"You got anymore of that stuff you sold me?" the pump jockey asked hopefully.
"You mean the oragano," his buddy giggled, "moron."
"Couldn't have been oragano."
"Why not?"
"Last night an owl came and bought have the petrol at the station, said she was going to use it to blow up a house in Surrey."
Omake by rijl_kent
"Hello, Parvati."
"Uh, Cho, I'm Padma."
"No, you're just wearing Padma's robes. Some of us in Ravenclaw are actually smart and observant."
"What do you want?"
"Well, since you're obviously open to the idea of sharing, I don't have to settle for Cedric."
Omake by SlickRCBD
"How could you play with my feelings like this? Was it all a game to you, mess with my feelings and pretend to date me? See how oblivious I can be and fail to notice? Does it make you feel good to pull the wool over my eyes?" screamed Harry.
Padma & Parvati took Harry's rant with shamed heads. Finally, Padma said. "You are right. We've been bad. Wicked, naughty, evil. We are naughty girls, and must pay the penalty. You must tie me down on a bed and spank me."
Parvati chimed in "Yes, a spanking, a spanking. You must spank me as well; and after you have spanked us, you may deal with us as you like. Padma added "And after the spanking, the oral sex..."
Omake by Swordchucks
"Harry... there's something I... we have to tell you?" Padma said, wringing her hands. When they'd started this, they knew it would have to happen eventually. Hogwarts graduation was in three days, and there was simply no longer any way to extend the charade without one of them having to give up the man they loved.
"What is it?" he asked tentatively. She had that done that every man dreads with a passion. The 'let's be friends' or the 'I didn't know he was your cousin' voice.
"I... ever since we started dating, Parvati and I have been trading places. You've... you've been dating both of us," she said and went silent. There, she'd said it.
"Oh, that? I know."
"You must be... wait, you know?"
"Yeah, I've known since like the second week. You two are good... but not that good."
"I... we..." she stammered. It'd been tearing her up inside for over a year and he'd bloody well known.
"Yeah, it's funny watching you switch and try to cover for not knowing what was going on. Endearing, even."
"But... we..." realization hit her. "That's why Parvati denied being the first one to shag you!"
Harry had the decency to blush. "Well... you see... about that..."
"You kept going on about how wonderful 'last night' was and how you wanted a repeat... you... you..."
"Well, maybe we were all three a little to blame for things, so why can't we just call it all even?"
"Harry James Potter," she growled, her wand appearing in her hand.
"OHSHI-" Harry managed as he turned to flee from one rather irate witch.
Omake by meteoricshipyards
Padma sniffed. "You're absolutely right. We were wrong."
Pavarti nodded. "You must punish us."
Harry had a sneaking suspicion that he knew where this conversation was going.
Padma continued, "And there's only one punishment in Castle Hogwarts. . . ."
"Take points?" Harry guessed.
"No silly, you must spank us!"
Omake by ausfinbar
Hedwig frowned to herself, so far the evil denier of Bacon had proved not just ignorant, but well protected and lucky, but soon, very soon, vengeance would be hers.
It had taken far too much work to first find the Coatl, then had to hunt down thirty rats to offer as a bribe, but it had paid off and the feathered, flying serpent was prepared to act as a translator to a large number of venomous snakes for her. They had required their own bribes but finally, weeks of work was about to pay off.
"Ah yes" Dumbledore smiled to himself. The third task would be soon and then Harry would be out of danger. His own brilliant planning meant that the young boy, such a nice young boy, would be able to return to the loving embrace of his family for a summer of relaxation. "I really must go and check the wards one day. Even though there havent been any problems on my monitors, it pays to be careful."
His train of thought was interrupted by a hissing sound. Blinking in shock, he rose to his feet as no less than a dozen varied and assorted venomous snakes emerged into his office from behind bookshelves, through a window and one from the chandelier. All of them hissing malevolently and all of them heading for him.
"Hmm, I wonder how this happened?" Casually waving his wand, the snakes were transfigured into sticks. "Only Voldemort could have done this. Clearly he is being much more agressive because he doesn't want me to protect Harry. The sooner he returns to his relaties, the safer he will be. I think he will need to stay there the entire summer this time. Better to be safe than sorry."
Outside, on a window ledge, Hedwig fumed to herself. Her plan to kill off the old man foiled once again. The land of No Bacon loomed closer. "Prick"
Unrelated Omake: Cupboard
"Get in there," the girl said cruelly as she shoved Luna into the closet.
"Yeah," one of the others crowed. The group of second years was relishing the fact that they finally someone below them on the Hogwarts pecking order.
Luna's breath quickened as she heard the bolt slide home. 'They're just playing around,' she tried to convince herself,' they'll let you out soon.
She heard the faint sounds of footsteps retreating from the door of the closet and she lost control. "Let me out," she screamed, "don't leave me here." Tears rushed down her face. "Somebody let me out," Luna sobbed, "anybody . . . please," she whimpered, "please."
In the normal course of events, the girl would spend a very uncomfortable weekend locked in the closet until she finally managed to force the door open. By then, days of solidude and darkness would have already fractured her fragile mind and she'd spend hours talking about fictitious creatures that only she could see. This time, something else happened . . .
"Hello," Harry peared into the dark closet. He could have sworn he'd heard someone crying. His eyes slowly adjusted and he saw girl holding her knees to her chest and rocking back and fourth.
An: Just can't think of anything more to do with this scene.