Disclaimer:A typical marriage law fic. Remember who wrote this and that you have only yourself to blame for the mental images.
The Marriage Goat
"Do this for me and I'll double my monthly donation," Lucius purred. "Understand?"
"I understand, Lucius," Fudge agreed eagerly.
"Then thank you for your time, Minister." Lucius managed to keep the look of contempt off his face until after he'd left the room.
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore looked down at the information he'd just received. It seemed the Malfoy family had decided to make their move, and a masterful one at that. A frown appeared on the old man's face as he considered his next move, with a bit of planning . . . yes, yes the entire situation could be turned to his advantage. Now to tell young Harry, he had not doubts that the boy would be willing to play his part. It was for the greater good after all.
The wards chimed, informing him that Harry had arrived on schedule. Dumbledore put on a pleasant smile and did his best to look relaxed as Harry entered the room.
"You wanted to speak with me, sir?"
"Ah yes," Dumbledore agreed. "I thought I'd personally inform you of an opportunity that's fallen into our laps."
"What opportunity is that, sir?" Harry asked curiously.
"The Minister has forced through a new law pertaining to you," Dumbledore said, drawing things out.
"What's the law about?"
"The law states that the Potter family will provide a bride to the Malfoy family," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye. "The Minister states that it is to help heal our world after the latest war." Who knew Voldemort's new body was allergic to pumpkin juice? Tom really should have checked before leading that attack on the bottling plant. "I agree and I also think that this provides us with an excellent opportunity to redeem young Draco, not to mention the chance it offers you to overhear and pass along valuable life saving information."
"You think it's an excellent opportunity?" Harry said faintly.
"I do indeed," Dumbledore agreed. "It also insures your safety from the darker elements of society if the betrothal contract is written correctly." The Headmaster intended to carry out the negotiations himself. "You need not worry that the contract will make you stand out, most political matches use a betrothal contract of some sort to set the terms of the wedding." Seeing that the boy was overcome with emotion to speak, Dumbledore decided end things there. "Take a bit of time to think about your new situation," he said cheerfully. "But don't take too long, the law states that the wedding must occur within the next two months."
He had no memory of the walk from the Headmaster's office, but Harry's face was ghostly white and his movements were stiff and robotic as he entered the Gryffindor Common Room.
"What'd Dumbledore want, mate?" Ron asked.
"He wants me to turn into a girl and marry Malfoy," Harry replied, shock coloring his voice.
"What?" Ron stared at his friend oddly. "If this is a joke, then it's not funny."
"Why does the Headmaster want you to do something like that?" Hermione demanded. How utterly barbaric, she respected authority but there were limits to what she was willing to accept.
"Malfoy's dad paid off the Minister to make some sort of law. Dumbledore says that it's a chance to change Malfoy for the better and that it'll also give me a chance to pass on any information that I might overhear."
"That old son of a bitch, just who does he think he is playing with people like that?" Hermione growled.
"He assured me that this will also guarantee my safety," Harry added. "As the marriage contract will have some dire penalties."
"That rotten old son of a whore guarantees your safety does he? Well . . ." A look of confusion appeared on Hermione's face. "What do you mean, marriage contract?"
"Dumbledore says they're common in political matches," Harry explained. The fog was clearing and he was starting to think clearly. He'd toss on his invisibility cloak and then he'd go through one of the passages to Hogsmead. A couple bus rides then he'd sneak across the channel to France and loose himself in the Muggle world.
"Harry," Hermione smiled sweetly. "I think I might have a solution."
The next few weeks were a revelation to the girl. She'd always planned to go into research but now she was starting to give serious thought to a career in law, with it she could use her superior knowledge to push people around and ruin lives. The very thought alone was enough to cause shivers to run through her body.
"Here it is, Harry." Hermione sighed as she passed over the first draft of the contract. "And here's a list of suggested talking points."
"Thanks, Hermione," Harry said gratefully. "I can't wait to see the look on Malfoy's face when he realizes you outsmarted him like this."
Another shudder racked Hermione's body at that pronouncement. "No problem, Harry."
"I'll just go tell Dumbledore that he won't be handling the contract, shall I?"
As expected, the old man wasn't pleased to learn that he'd miss the opportunity to show off his skills.
"What?" Dumbledore asked dully.
"I'm going to be handling the betrothal contract myself," Harry repeated.
"This isn't the sort of thing to be left to beginners," Dumbledore said gently, hiding his annoyance at the boy's presumption. "So I think it's best that . . ."
"Are you the head of the Potter family?" Harry interrupted.
"No," Dumbledore admitted.
"The talks are between the Malfoy family and the Potter family, aren't they?"
"They are, but . . ."
"You're not the head of the Malfoy family either, are you?"
"I'm not, still . . ."
"Then I don't believe I'll need your help," Harry said firmly. "Thank you for the offer though." Before the old man could reply, Harry brushed past him and into the meeting room.
"Potter," Lucius said with a silky smile.
"Lucy," Harry said with a nod. He tossed the draft in front of the man. "Take a look."
"What's this?" Lucius demanded.
"The contract I'm insisting upon," Harry replied calmly.
Lucius glared at the boy. "Think you can use the law to find a way out of this?"
"Just read it," Harry replied.
"Potter family will supply a bride, marriage will be publicly consummated with pictures to appear on the front page of the Daily Prophet, the Quibbler, and to be made into posters that will be posted in Diagon Alley and several public areas?" A grin appeared on Lucius' face. "Think Draco can't perform in front of an audience?"
"Something like that," Harry agreed. "Full page ads with pictures will also appear at least twice a month in the Quibbler with that months performance."
"No spells or charms to be used on the bride?" Lucius growled.
"Not after the marriage," Harry agreed. "Though the contract does stipulate that the bride will be female when delivered."
"Forfeiture of the Malfoy fortune and the life of Lucius Malfoy if any harm befalls the bride?" Lucius growled. "Servitude of Narcissa Malfoy and Draco Malfoy to be handed to the head of the designated head of the Potter family to do with as he sees fit?" The last bit wouldn't be so bad as his son would become the head of the Potter family after the marriage, and without the head of the family demanding it there was a good chance that they'd be able to successfully dispute the forfeitures then there was a good chance that they could be ignored. If not, well he had a lovely manor house in the south of France that he'd been meaning to spend more time in. "Add that this clause will not be carried out unless requested by the head of the Potter family."
"Done, but I'm going to want something in return. Say, half the Malfoy fortune."
"To be turned over to the head of the Potter family on the day of the wedding," Lucius retorted.
"Fine but you will all agree to submit to the fitting of a magical items that will ensure the contract is carried out," Harry pointed out. "The magical items will be controlled by the head of the Potter family."
"If the bride does not become pregnant within six months, then she will be changed back to male and Draco will be turned into a suitable female. Neither Draco or the bride will charmed or transfigured in any way nor will any potions be used on them.
"Also mentions that any offspring will be the heirs to the Malfoy name and fortune," Harry pointed out helpfully. "And that all expenses for the wedding will be provided by the Malfoy family. The wedding and the notifications will be handled by the Potter family."
A cold smile appeared on Lucius' face. While not quite what he'd intended to offer, the contract the boy had given him was better then he'd hoped to get from the old fool.
"I'll have my lawyers send over your copy later," Harry said as he left the room. "Later, Lucy."
It wasn't easy, but Lucius managed to resist the urge to laugh maniacally.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry grinned as he slid next to the twins.
"How would you two like to be wedding planners?" Harry asked happily.
"What?" George asked dully.
"I want you to plan the wedding that will join the Malfoys to the Potters," Harry explained. "Interested?"
"Huh?" Fred stared at Harry like he'd grown another head.
"Just say yes," Harry advised. "And charge through the nose, at least ten times the going rate and a hundred would be better."
"Erg?" The twins shared a look.
"It's for a prank," Harry explained.
"Oh . . ."
". . . why didn't you say so, Harry?"
"We'd be happy to help."
"Great," Harry said cheerfully. Idly wondering if Remus would be willing to get ordained, Harry wandered off in search of his bushy haired friend. They had some transfiguration to do.
IIIIIIIIII
Lucius laughed as he went over the receipts. The cost of the wedding was enormous and it was plainly obvious that Potter was using the wedding to line his own pockets, wouldn't the boy be surprised when he learned that Draco, as the new head of the Potter family, controlled the accounts. The look on the boy . . . girl's face would be priceless.
IIIIIIIIII
Draco squirmed in his uncomfortable formal robes. This was his day, the day that he would triumph over Potter and insure that the Malfoy family would remain at the apex of the political ladder. He strode proudly to his place at the head of the chapel and was shocked to find Potter already seated in the front row.
"Enjoying your last few minutes of being a male, Potter?" Draco laughed cruelly. He was a bit confused by the way everyone on the bride's side seemed to ignore his taunt, only the tightening of their jaw muscles evidenced the fact that his shot had hit home.
"What are you talking about?" Harry asked, apparently confused by the question. "Why wouldn't I be a man in a few minutes?"
"Because you are going to be my bride," Draco replied.
"Whatever gave you that idea?" Harry asked. "The law stated that the Potter family had to provide a bride for the Malfoy family. Nothing in it said that I had to marry you."
"You're the only Potter, fool."
"Now that isn't entirely correct," Harry said with a wide grin. "Hermione?" The muggleborn girl came out holding a cloth covered cage.
"You made Granger a Potter?" Draco asked sickly. He was going to have to marry a mudblood?
"Maybe later," Harry said, not noticing the girl's sudden blush. "No, Hermione is carrying the newest member of my family."
Hermione whipped off the cloth cover to reveal a porcupine, a large angry porcupine.
"Draco, meet your betrothed, Squicky the Goat."
"She doesn't look a like a goat to me, Harry," Ron called out.
"That's because we transfigured her into a porcupine before we turned her female," Harry explained. "She'll be a goat again and a he if Draco fails to impregnate her."
AN: That's how you do a wedding law/betrothal contract fic. Well, short of murdering everyone of course. Returned to my roots on this one, see Odd Ideas chapter 1 for details. Typos by ubereng, Clell Harmon.
Omake: Oh, Fudge
"How good of you to take the time to meet with me, Minister," Harry said as he swept into the man's office.
"Potter?" Fudge squeaked. "How'd you get past my secretary?"
"Promised her an autograph," Harry replied as he sat down and propped his feet on the Minister's desk. "I'm sure you heard about the wedding?"
"I did what I thought was necessary to keep the peace," Fudge simpered.
"And the large bribe Lucius gave you had nothing to do with it," Harry agreed. "I just came by to point a few things out."
"What are those?" Fudge asked sourly.
"Lucius was giving you five thousand galleons a month to do what he said," Harry said calmly. "I'm afraid he won't be able to afford that any longer, not after loosing four fifths of the Malfoy fortune."
"I see." Fudge forced himself to relax, he saw where things were going.
"I, on the other hand, don't want you to do what I tell you to do. I simply wish to be left alone," Harry's grin sharpened. "And I believe I can do that for a one time payment of seven thousand galleons."
Fudge smiled. "I really think that continuing Lucius' donation schedule would be more beneficial," he said smoothly. "While seven thousand sounds like a lot of money, I think you'll find that it will run out rather quickly."
"I think you misunderstand," Harry said calmly. "The payment wouldn't be to you."
"Then . . ."
"There are a number of dangerous individuals in the world," Harry explained. "And I've been assured that three thousand galleons is enough to hire any number of them for a little job, seven would insure that I could hire the best. Then we'd see if the new Minister would be more reasonable then you are."
Fudge choked. "You're threatening to kill me?" He asked incredulously. That wasn't how the game was played.
"I'm telling you that all I want you to do is leave me alone," Harry corrected.
"Fine," Fudge agreed. "I'll leave you alone."
"Wonderful," Harry said cheerfully. "That's one item off the agenda, now on to the next."
"The next?" Fudge echoed.
"What you need to do to get me to leave you alone," Harry explained.
Omake by Stick97
Draco had done his best to impregnate his "wife" in the time frame allotted. His father had made it quite clear what would happen to the proud Malfoy name if he had been unable to perform. He had managed to consummate the marriage, painfully, but he had done his duty.
Thankfully, he had been able to avoid any scarring thanks to a considerate wedding gift of essence of Murtlap.
But unfortunately, Draco's time was now up. He was standing in the lobby of the ministry, hoping his father could pull something out of his bag of tricks. His mother was standing beside him, trying to encourage him. For some reason, she had been trying to convince him to just cast a transfiguration charm on his wife ever since she had received an owl from the mudblood. Why the mudblood had sent his mother a howler was beyond him. he had not heard the whole thing, but everyone in the manor had heard the last part, where the mudblood had seemed to be screaming in tongues. After the howler exploded, his mother had come out of her boudoir wearing a spectacular blush. There must have been some sort of chilling charm on the howler as well, as his mother always seemed to be shivering whenever Draco or his wife were around.
After the third time his mother had tried to cast a charm on his wife, his father had locked his mother's wand away.
Suddenly there was a commotion by the inbound floo. Potter and the mudblood came tumbling out of the floo. Stupid Potter! He can't even come out of a floo like a proper pureblood! Idiot scarhead ended up with his head under the mudblood's skirt. What an embarrassment!
Was his mother growling?
After a loud meep! from the mudblood, they had managed to regain at least a modicum of respectability. Once they were both standing, Potter casually strolled over in his direction, while his mother had grabbed the mudblood and dragged her over to the nearest corner. Why she was wasting her time on the know it all was beyond Draco. She was hopeless, but his mother had always been a mystery. Odd how they were both blushing spectacularly now. Why was her mother shaking her head no so furiously? The bookworm had taken out her wand and was holding it horizontally between her palms.
"Draco! Are you listening to me? How did the essence of murtlap work for you?" asked a smirking Potter.
"That was you Scarhead? Why would you do that?" asked a befuddled Draco.
"Well, I wouldn't want you to miss any of your honeymoon after all. Wouldn't want to default on that contract would we?" laughed Harry.
"When my father hears of this, he'll!" screamed Draco, drawing his wand and pointing it at Harry.
"Wonder why you are wasting your time posturing with that fool boy when you only have an hour to fulfill that blasted contract!" shouted a rapidly purpling Lucius Malfoy. Lucius reached out, snatching his son's wand and throwing it over his shoulder. He then took the leash on Draco's wife and grabbed Malfoy by the front of his robes, and proceeded to drag them both to the nearest broom closet. He then
threw open the door, and tried to shove them both in the closet.
Unfortunately for the last pale hope of the Malfoy line, Narcissa chose that moment to decide both her future and that of the Malfoy Line.
"Finite Incantum!" hissed Narcissa casting the spell using her son's own wand.
As the spell struck, the porcupine wearing a green and silver bow to coordinate with it's silver and emerald encrusted collar rose into the air and began to spin. It's spines began to whiten and shrink, while horns sprouted from it's head.
Lucius had spun and dropped both his cane and the wand as he looked at his wife in shock. "Wha...wha...what have you done Narcissa!?!? You callous bitch! I'll see your name struck from the Malfoy Family Tree you miserable excuse for a witch! I'll..."
"Hem-Hem! Actually, I, Harry Potter-Black, as the Head of the Black Family, formally annul your marriage and bring Narcissa back into the Black Family. So mote it be!" said Potter as a flash signified the change in Narcissa's status.
"Potter! You Ba-a-aaaa-aaastard!" screamed Draco as he covered his mouth with his hooves.