Disclaimer: Another set of Omake
Omake: Back In Time – Again, damn it.
The students were enjoying a nutritious lunch in the Great Hall when Harry Potter stood up suddenly with a look of profound annoyance on his face.
"God damn it," the boy screamed. "Why in the hell did this have to happen again?"
"What's wrong, Harry?" Hermione asked in concern.
"Went back in time again," Harry sighed. "It happens."
"What do you mean it happens?" Hermione asked shrilly.
"A question that all of us would like answered," Dumbledore said kindly.
"Eh?" Harry looked up at the old man. "I told you, it happens."
"And you've never tried to figure out why it happens?" Hermione asked incredulously.
"Gave up after a thousand or so years," Harry explained. "And why it couldn't wait just one more hour before sending me back . . ." Harry's shoulders drooped. "Just goes to show that I'm the universe's spittoon."
"What was so important that you didn't wish to leave it?" Dumbledore asked cautiously.
"Twins," Harry said with a stupid grin on his face. "Ms. Naughty Witch 2020 and 2021 were wishing me a very happy birthday."
"I see," Dumbledore said, unable to think of another response.
"Which reminds me," Harry said suddenly. "Neville, could you do me a favor?"
"What's that, Harry?" Neville asked timidly.
"I'd like you to autograph a couple things for me." Harry pulled what appeared to be a large stack of pornography out of nothingness. "All that if you don't mind."
"Neville becomes a porn star?" Ron asked incredulously.
"Sometimes," Harry agreed. "Usually when one of the Slytherin girls finds out about Hannah Abbott's crush and decides to steal him away for a bit of inept revenge. One thing usually leads to another and eventually she comes to the conclusion that he's too much for one woman and that's when she brings in one of her friends to help. Then another, and another, until Neville's got a harem that he needs to support. It's all in his autobiography, third book down."
Hermione forced herself to ignore the extremely rare books to get a couple questions answered. "How did you carry those with you?"
"Managed to create a subspace compartment after about five hundred years of research," Harry explained. "It's outside time and as soon as I can figure out how to enlarge it and make it able to support life, I'm going to live there full time."
"How many books can you fit into it?" Hermione licked her lips.
"Not sure," Harry admitted. "Do know that I've got a couple copies of Hogwart's library in there, along with a few dozen others. Why do you ask?"
"Harry," Hermione squealed. The girl rushed across the room so fast that she left an after image to attach herself to his side. "I'll do anything for you if you teach me and let me access your library, anything."
"Moving right along," Dumbledore said loudly. "I take it you know about your destiny?" he said delicately.
"You mean the prophecy about me and Voldemort?" Harry asked bluntly.
"Errr." A bead of sweat worked its way down the Headmaster's forehead.
"Cause it turned out that one wasn't about me and Voldemort," Harry continued. "It was about Draco and Crabbe's daughter."
"Draco and Crabby had children together?" Ron asked sickly.
"I mean it was about Crabbe's daughter fighting Draco," Harry amended. "And yes, they did. Snape invents a potion in a couple years and you don't want to know the rest."
"Speaking of Severus," Dumbledore frantically tried to change the subject. "Has anyone noticed that he's been quieter then usual today?"
"I trapped him in an invisible box," Harry explained helpfully, ignoring Hermione's whispered promises to 'love him long time.'
Everyone's head turned to watch the Potions master frantically beating on the wall of an invisible box and screaming impotently.
"Used to just kill him and Voldemort whenever I arrived but that got boring after a couple millennia, this provides more of a show and lasts longer."
"All finished, Harry," Neville said helpfully.
"Thanks, Nev." Harry scooped up the materials and stored it in his subspace pocket. "And girls, they nicknamed him 'The Machine' when he was in porn. I suggest dating him in at least groups of ten."
"Thank you, Harry," Hannah Abbott said demurely.
"Now if you'll excuse me." Harry made a half hearted attempt to reclaim his arm from Hermione's death grip. "I've got to get going. There' s a beach in Aruba that . . . do you mind letting go of my arm, Hermione?"
"Ohhh, me love you real good," Hermione giggled madly.
"Alright then," Harry agreed. "As I was saying, there's this beach that I really want to spend some time on before it gets destroyed in the alien invasion and that's where I'll be if anyone needs to contact me for any reason." He turned towards Neville who was currently being mobbed by eleven Hufflepuff girls. "That means send me autographed copies of your newest porn, Neville."
"Mmmph," was Neville's muffled reply.
"Thanks, buddy." With a muffled 'pop,' Harry Potter disappeared leaving behind only a still delirious Hermione and a pile of clothes. The beach was clothing optional.
AN: Kinda goes with Odd Ideas Chapter: 33. Been meaning to write another chapter of the involuntary time traveling Harry.
Omake for Catch You on The Flip Side 'Odd Ideas' Chapter 77
Flip You on The Catch Side
"Hey, Luna," Hermione said with a come hither smile, "I'm glad to see that you and Harry got back safely."
"Thank you, Hermione," Luna said with a smile.
"And I did a lot of thinking while you were gone," Hermione continued, "and I was hoping that we could get to know each other better."
"Perhaps later," Luna said with a shrug, "I'll be much too busy shagging Harry in the mean time."
"Need any help with that?" Hermione asked with a grin.
"I think I've got everything covered for now," Luna replied, "but thank you all the same."
"What?"
"I said that I've got everything covered, but thank you all the same."
"Oh." Hermione said faintly. "Thank you for your time, Luna."
"No problem, Hermione," Luna said, "bye bye." She smirked at Hermione's retreating back, this was for Luna Lovegoods everywhere.
Hermione stumbled back to her bed and collapsed bonelessly onto it. What was wrong? She wondered to herself. Why wasn't Luna cooperating? Hermione rolled over onto something strange.
"Crookshanks had better not have hidden something disgusting in my bed again," she muttered to herself. A bit of digging revealed an envelope containing a note and a book. "My other self may decide to be selfish and try to hog Harry all for herself," Hermione read the note, "this book will teach you the Lovegood style of seduction that will guarantee that you won't be condemned to a life of red hair and boredom."
AN: Thought about making this a second part to the first chapter, decided not to bother.
Omake: Betrayed
It had taken the Order months to find him and years to realize that he was even missing. Hermione snorted. As if Harry would stay with his relatives one second longer then he had to, Losing Harry, the chosen one, was one in a whole series of mistakes the Order had made.
"Harry," Hermione called out cheerfully.
"What do you want?" Harry asked calmly.
"Can't I just be catching up with an old friend?" Hermione asked with a smile.
"Sure you can, where are they?" Harry made a show of looking around.
Hermione winced. "I was talking about you."
"I seem to remember a letter you sent a couple months after they snapped my wand," Harry said flatly. "Explaining that you didn't want me to contact you again and how it was best if we were no longer friends."
"You don't know how difficult it was to be known as one of your friends," Hermione tried to explain. "The Ministry sent a woman to . . ."
"Deloris Umbridge," Harry interrupted. "Save it. One more time, what do you want?"
"The Ministry's admitted, quietly, that he's back," Hermione explained. "They want you to come home."
"What reason could I possibly have to go back to England?" Harry asked mildly. "Name one?"
"They didn't snap your wand," Hermione said quickly. "Dumbledore saved it."
"You expect me to go back to retrieve a twig?" Harry laughed. "Really?"
"We need you," she wailed.
"Then you shouldn't have thrown me away," Harry said simply.
"Your parents house," Hermione said suddenly.
"What about it?"
"We can get it returned to you," Hermione said desperately. "Dumbledore has enough influence over the current Minister to have it delisted as a national monument and returned to you."
"So far all I've heard is offers to return some of the things that were stolen from me," Harry pointed out. "Tell you what, why don't I tell you what I want before I'm willing to talk seriously about returning. You take that back to the important people, the ones who make decisions."
"Fine," she said with a hint of anger.
"I want the scales balanced," Harry offered with a smile. "I've been robbed, slandered, attacked, and imprisoned by the Ministry and the Order. Return my property, compensate me, and make a public apology. Then I'll be willing to sit down with someone important. Until then, they can all bugger off and so can you. Fair?"
"You've changed, Harry," Hermione said sadly.
"Having your Ministry attempt to murder you, your school expel you, and your friends disown you has that effect on a guy," Harry replied. "Especially if it all happens within the span of a couple months." He glanced at his watch. "I'm planning to leave this city and go to another in about twenty three hours. I will not leave a forwarding address, you have until then to get your answer."
AN: Polish by dogbertcarroll.
Same general concept I played with in 'Cold Blood.' His parent's house was nationalized to make a monument, his friends abandoned him under pressure from Umbridge, he got expelled for defending himself, and he left the country (likely with Sirius and possibly Remus) for a life of adventure abroad. Voldemort has been keeping a low profile and after Fudge is replaced, Dumbledore manages to convince the new Minister to do something, maybe let's a little of the Prophecy slip. The Order checks Privvy drive and panics when they realize that Harry left shortly after his trial and hasn't been seen since. They track him down and hope that Hermione can convince him to come back.
If I were to write this, I'd have Harry point out that the Ministry listed his parents home as a priceless part of the UK's magical heritage and charge through the nose for back rent, demand a giant settlement for the attempted murder and the slander, demand his wand, demand Sirius be declared innocent, demand a large cash settlement for Sirius, etc. Finally, after Harry decides they're square, he tells them to fuck off and that they can deal with their own problems. He said he'd be willing to sit down, he never said that he'd help them.
Some other things I might throw in; Ron dead, why not. Neville going to prison for the Murder of one or more of the Lestranges, he shouldn't have used (insert spell name her) or used deadly force. Neville is murdered by the other inmates shortly after being incarcerated. Hermione working for the Order full time because she can't get a real job.
Omake: Coverup
"You wanted to ask me something, Harry?" Dumbledore asked curiously.
"I did, sir," Harry agreed. "I wanted to know how many rapes and murders someone could commit before you considered them irredeemable."
"Care to explain that question, Harry?" Dumbledore demanded.
"I know what happened to Sally-Anne Perks," Harry said calmly. "I know what you allowed Malfoy and Snape to do to her and I know that you helped cover it up after wards."
"To start with, I would never allow a student to come to harm," Dumbledore growled. "I only found out about what happened to the girl after the fact. Secondly, Severus had nothing to do with the girl's death."
"He delivered the killing blow," Harry snapped.
"He gave her mercy," the Headmaster countered.
"Suppose we let that stand, how could you justify covering up the girl's murder?"
"What happened was regrettable. None the less, you must understand that young Draco was just a child at the time and I cannot allow a child under my protection to go to Azkaban."
"But you have no problem allowing them to be raped and tortured to death," Harry laughed. "Would it surprise you to know that Sally-Anne wasn't young Draco's last victim?"
"It would not," Dumbledore sighed. "None the less . . ."
"So I'll ask again," Harry interrupted. "How many murders will you allow?"
"Harry," Dumbledore said gently. "I . . ."
"Five?" Harry ventured. "Ten, twenty, fifty?." Harry stood up. "Malfoy admitted fifteen murders, and ten rapes."
"While regrettable, I still have hope that young Draco will . . ."
"How about Snape then?" Harry said harshly. "He admitted fifty deaths and nearly a hundred rapes. Was that too many, or has he failed to reach your magical number?"
"Severus' role as a spy forces him to . . ."
"How many murders can I commit then?" Harry demanded. "Tell me that or watch me walk out that door for the last time."
"Harry, I can't believe that you would ever . . ."
"Four," Harry said with a smile. "That's how many took part in what happened to Sally-Anne. Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy, and Snape. All that's left is the man that allowed it all to happen. So tell me, Headmaster, is five too many?"