Disclaimer: Just your typical Harry sent to Azkaban by a corrupt Ministry fic.
Handcuffular
The Wizengamot went silent in shock as the hooded prisoner was dragged in by four fearful guards and chained down with chains thick enough to hold down a rampaging werewolf.
"Is this all necessary?" Dumbledore asked.
"Procedure," one of the guards said with a tremble in his voice. He double checked the chains and nodded to his fellows. "Alright," he said reluctantly. "Here we go." In one quick move, he pulled off the prisoner's hood with a shaking hand and fled to the far side of the room where the four cowered back from the prisoner's sight.
The prisoner blinked at the sudden light and looked around the room. "Finally decided to give me a trial then?" he asked in a raspy voice.
"I told you I wouldn't let you stay in Azkaban for long, Harry," Dumbledore said gently.
"You did," Harry agreed solemnly.
Prison didn't look to have been kind to the boy. He was dressed in a standard prisoner's jumpsuit with the sleeves torn off and the visible portions of his body were covered in tattoos.
He reached his hand up exposing the spider tattooed on the web of his thumb and scratched his cheek, drawing attention to the multiple teardrops tattooed just below his right eye.
Senior Undersecretary Deloris Umbridge stood up to read the charges. "You stand accused of . . ."
"Objection," a feminine voice called out. "The accused has been denied access to his lawyer."
"Who are you?" Amelia Bones asked mildly, doing her best to keep a grin off her face.
"His lawyer," a distinguished woman said simply.
"Tell you what, why don't we let her read the charges and then you can tell us why each one should be dismissed. If any aren't dismissed then you can have a bit of time alone with your client, how does that sound?" Amelia asked reasonably, having activated the Truth wards, that had laid unused since nearly the time of the founders by Wizenmagot rule, in preparation for this trial.
"Fine but only on the condition that we hear the lawsuit my client is going to bring against, well, I gave you the list earlier and it would take much too long to read it out right now."
"Agreed," Amelia said quickly. "Read the charges."
"Er . . ." The toad like woman blinked a couple times. "Now?"
"Yes, now."
"Underaged magic, inciting a riot, sedition, and violating the Statute of Secrecy," Umbridge said loudly.
"Your move," Amelia told the lawyer.
"As my client is being tried as an adult then it's clear that he hasn't been doing any underaged magic," the lawyer said smugly.
"Agreed, charge dismissed." Amelia banged her gavel, causing everyone around her to wonder where and when she'd gotten it.
"The muggle that witnessed the magic is my client's cousin and they live in the same house so there was no violation of the Statute of Secrecy."
"Agreed, dismissed." Amelia banged her gavel several times, enjoying the rush of power she felt when Fudge jumped.
"My client did not interact with the magical world at all between the end of school and his arrest so he didn't have any opportunities to practice sedition or incite any riots," the lawyer argued. "Which means that those two charges have as much substance as one of the Minister's promises."
"Case dismissed," Amelia ruled. "You said something about a lawsuit?"
"Wait!" Fudge squealed. "I've got more charges I'd like to bring against him."
"And you'll have to wait your turn until after this next case!" Amelia barked. "Now sit down."
"Eep."
"My client would like to sue the Ministry for false imprisonment, slander, and the reward for the defeat of Voldemort. He would also like to sue the Minister for assault, slander, and poor fashion sense."
"Does the Ministry wish to make a statement?" Amelia asked.
"Lies!" Fudge screamed as the Truth ward did it's work, not allowing him to speak anything, but the truth and reducing everything he said to what it was in truth. "All lies!"
"Does the Minister wish to make a statement?" Amelia said with a grin.
"More lies!" Fudge screamed panicking at the words coming out of his mouth and being unable to say any of the dozen excuses he had ready. "Even more lies!"
"So you claim that the accusations against you are lies?" Amelia asked, hoping to clarify things.
"No, all my answers were going to be lies!" Fudge replied. Realizing what he said, he covered his mouth with both hands.
"All right," Amelia said with a grin. "Any evidence?"
"Just happen to have a big stack of it," the lawyer dumped a stack of paper on the desk.
"Does the Ministry wish to address that evidence?" Amelia asked.
"The Ministry wishes that evidence would disappear," Fudge said quickly, finding much to his horror that he couldn't lie and was being forced to tell the truth. "And so does the Minister. Failing that, we'd like a chance to empty our accounts and a portkey to a jurisdiction that does not allow extradition."
"The court orders that the Minister's accounts be signed over to Mr. Potter, the Ministry to give him a sack full of gold and . . ." Amelia frowned as the witch next to her whispered something into her ear. "In a surprise split decision, for a portkey to be given to Minister Fudge, Madame Umbridge, and Lucius Malfoy."
"Objection," Lucius said loudly to his own surprise, relieved that he'd been out of the loop for this one, as even he wouldn't have tried to take it this far for fear Dumbledore would find his balls and curse the entire Wizenmagot en-mass for their obvious corruption. "I had nothing to do with this particular bit of dirty dealing."
"Objection," Augusta Longbottom bellowed, a little drunk and having tried to mumble something under her breath about believing Malfoy wasn't involved when hell froze over, before the ward compelled her to say something truthful. "I think fires are very romantic."
"Overruled and the court agrees that fires are romantic," Amelia intoned. "Have the portkey administered and Mr. Potter freed."
A smile appeared on Harry's face as the Minister and his companions disappeared. "Where did you send them?"
"Two feet above the giant stew pot on Cannibal Island," Amelia replied with a great deal of satisfaction, having planned it out well in advance with the hope that not one of the three would have been smart enough to ask where the portkey would take them to. "Would you and your attorney care to join me in my office?"
"We'd love to," Harry's attorney replied.
"Free punch and pie in the atrium!" Amelia bellowed.
Everyone in the Wizengamot gave a mighty cheer before streaming out of the room, leaving only a very confused Dumbledore behind.
The old wizard looked around the empty chamber. "What just happened?"
IIIIIIIIII
The Warden of Azkaban was waiting with Hermione Granger in Amelia's office when they all arrived at the Director of Magical Law Enforcement's office.
"I'm a free man so you can't do anything to me now, King Screw," Harry said with a sneer.
"Nice sneer," the Warden complimented the boy.
"Tried to base it off the one Snape uses when someone asks him a question about safety," Harry said with a modest grin.
"He always was good at those," Harry's attorney giggled.
"Now then." Amelia sat at her desk and fixed everyone with a glare. "Why don't we all explain to our boss what in the hell happened today?"
"I don't work for you," Harry pointed out.
"Nor do I," his attorney said cheerfully.
"Fudge ordered Harry sent to Azkaban pending trial," the Warden reported. "I reported that to you and you set up the trial."
"Now why don't the people who don't work for me explain what happened?" Amelia demanded.
"I arrived for my trial and got arrested," Harry explained. "Dumbledore promised that I wouldn't spend much time in Azkaban. I went to Azkaban and then I came back."
"I found out about the Truth ward in some of my extracurricular reading and thought it was ideal for this case, as the Wizenmagot that had declared it illegal, but had left a loophole so they could use it on Heads of noble houses at their own request," Hermione said, "so I reported it to you."
"My husband told me Harry might need a lawyer." The Lawyer smiled at the Warden. "And he might have added that I'd have a chance to screw over Fudge, so here I am."
"Right," Amelia barked. "That still leaves one thing unexplained. Where did you get all those tattoos, Mr. Potter."
"There's a guy in cell block three that'll give you anything for a pack of cigarettes," Harry said in what he thought was a salty voice.
"I didn't ask about cell block three, I asked how you got yours," Amelia said sharply, years of dealing with young recruits, the scum of the world (politicians), and the occasional criminal making her damn hard to deceive.
"Uh . . ."
"Afraid that's my fault," the Warden said with a blush.
"Oh?" Amelia's eyes flashed.
"There's a kind of tinned biscuit I like and each one comes with a temporary tattoo," the Warden explained.
"You've been breaking your diet," the Lawyer scolded. "How many did you eat?"
"I don't recall," the Warden said mechanically, having used a memory charm to avoid that line of questioning well in advance.
"Harry?" the Lawyer asked sweetly.
"We went through three tins," Harry said with a blush. "But the first one was almost empty and I ate most of the other two."
"Wait till the other convicts find out you grassed on me," the Warden hissed.
"He's picking on me," Harry whined. "Do you know what they do to snitches in the joint?"
"Stop that," the Lawyer snapped glaring at her husband. "Don't worry, Harry. No one is going to find out that you grassed on my husband."
Hermione sighed, why was she always the only sane one in the room? "Maybe I'm under some sort of curse?" she mused to herself.
"What was that?"
"Nothing," Hermione said quickly. "When do you want to get your school supplies, Harry?" cause the bookstore should have gotten its shipment of new releases and she was just itching for an excuse to go.
"I'm not sure I'm going back to school," Harry rasped.
"What do you mean by that, Harry?" Hermione growled.
"Prison changes a man," Harry said simply. "Not sure I could play nice with the kiddies after what I've endured, after what I was forced to do to survive."
"You were only there for forty five minutes," Hermione retorted. "And I heard, it sounds like you spent almost all of it sitting in the warden's office eating biscuits and drinking tea."
"I wouldn't expect someone who didn't do any time to understand," Harry said sadly.
"Those who have never spent time in society's cage can never understand," the Warden agreed seriously, making his wife roll her eyes at the two.
"I . . . you . . . ohhhhh."
"You have to go back to school, Mr. Potter," Amelia interjected, putting an end to the conversation.
"Because they passed a law so I wouldn't leave magical England?"
"Because they passed a law stating that education was compulsory until the age of sixteen," Amelia corrected. "That means it doesn't matter that the court accidently declared you an adult because the court did not accidently declare you to be over sixteen."
"Hah," Hermione crowed.
"Guess I'm not going to that naked beach after all," Harry sighed. "It's the only thing that kept me sane when I was doing my time."
"What naked beach?" Hermione demanded.
"They've got 'em in other countries," Harry replied, his eyes filled with an unholy lust. "And they're filled with buxom veela women who like nothing better then green eyed wizards."
The Lawyer shot her husband a look, he gave a confused shrug in reply.
"Why don't we just end things here for now?" Amelia suggested, having heard more then enough. "You want to take Mr. Potter shopping before the stores close don't you, Ms. Granger?"
"That's right," Hermione agreed. "Thank you, Madame Bones." She seized Harry by the collar and began dragging the boy out of the room.
"Tell them you're charging everything to the Ministry accounts," Amelia advised as the two Hogwarts students left her office.
Harry and Hermione were met by a crowd of reporters the second they left the relative safety of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Seeing no choice but to answer a couple questions as they ran the gauntlet, Harry decided to answer a couple of questions as they ran the gauntlet.
"Mr. Potter," a reporter called out. "Now that you've been freed from you unjust imprisonment, what do you intend to do now?"
"I just want to get on with my life," Harry said mournfully. "Just gonna take things one day at a time."
"Mr. Potter," another called out. "How many men did you shank in vicious prison fights?"
"That's all behind me," Harry sighed, scratching his cheek to draw attention to the teardrops he had tattooed under his eye. "I'm trying to focus on the future."
"Mr. Potter . . ."
They finally reached the exit and moved on to the shopping district at Diagon Alley where Harry realized something, shopping is hell. It hadn't been too bad when he'd gone with Hagrid, in and out. The Weasleys weren't much worse since Molly had been distracted by her brood and underfunded. Shopping with Hermione on the other hand was unfiltered hell. It got so bad that Harry's mind blotted the whole thing out to protect his sanity, boy was Snape in for a surprise the next time he went snooping about Harry's skull.
The rest of Harry's all too short summer passed in a blur as he spent the whole time recovering from his awful ordeal. Pity the poor boy when he finds out that it could have been worse, he could have gone shopping with Lavender Brown and her sidekick Patil.
And so our Hero made it to Hogwarts where Madame Pomfrey made it a point to kidnap him on the first day for a quick check up and two weeks of mandatory bed rest.
Harry presented an odd sight as he made his entrance into the Great Hall on the first day of the third week of class. On his left shoulder sat his owl, Hedwig who was occupied by shooting predatory gazes at the extremely nervous chicken on his right shoulder.
It was Hermione that broke the silence, unable to contain her curiosity. "Why do you have a chicken on your shoulder, Harry?" She really hoped that this wouldn't be a repeat of the tattoo conversation.
"I don't have a chicken on my shoulder," Harry snapped. "And I think that you owe Hedwig an apology for confusing her for a chicken."
"Preck!" the owl agreed.
"I wasn't talking about Hedwig." Hermione sighed, it was going to be one of those days. "I was talking about the bird on your other shoulder."
"You mean my new phoenix?" Harry asked, shooting the bird a pride filled look.
Hermione closed her eyes and counted to ten. "That's a chicken, Harry."
"He's a phoenix, Hermione." Harry took the bird off his shoulder and waved it in the girl's face. "See?"
"Phoenixes are on fire and why does that bird smell strongly of naphtha?" Hermione's eyes widened in shock. "Don't you dar . . ."
Harry ignited the naphtha and watched proudly as the flaming panicking chicken ran back and fourth. "You were saying?"
"A burning chicken is not a phoenix," Hermione said flatly.
"But the flames aren't hurting him," Harry protested. "That's definite phoenix behavior."
"Casting a flame freezing charm on a chicken before setting it on fire still doesn't make it a phoenix," Hermione said firmly.
"You're just jealous that I have a phoenix and you don't," Harry sniffed.
Snape walked past with Crabbe and Goyle. "Well when's the last time you saw Mr. Malfoy?"
Harry grinned. At least now Malfoy had a purpose, he was perfect protection against any stray basilisks he happened across these days.
"Told you Harry was a light wizard," Ron announced smugly. "Otherwise a phoenix would never have bonded with him."
"Why wasn't your phoenix burning before, Harry?" Neville asked.
"He's afraid of fire," Harry explained patiently. "That's why he doesn't usually burn." He glanced at Hermione. "Except to prove to know it alls that he's really a phoenix."
"You did not just call me a know it all, Harry Potter," Hermione growled.
"Uh . . . I was talking about Ron," Harry said nervously. "And you should be nicer to me. I spent time in prison for a crime I didn't commit."
"I do know it all, don't I," Ron agreed. "See, Harry recognizes how great I am. Why don't the rest of you bums?"
"I . . ." Hermione closed her eyes as another wave of stupidity washed over her. "I think you should pull Hedwig off of your 'phoenix' unless you know where you can find another one."
"No, Hedwig!" Harry said firmly, pulling his owl off the traumatized chicken. "Bad owl. You can not eat my phoenix."
"Preck!" Hedwig cursed. Foiled again.
"But if you absolutely must sate your hunger for the flesh of an immortal magical bird, then eat the one Dumbledore has in his office. This one is mine."
"Preck!" Hedwig cheered. The owl launched herself off of Harry's shoulder and soared out of the Great Hall.
She returned a couple hours later looking a bit plumper then normal at which time the owl reclaimed her normal spot and promptly fell asleep on Harry's shoulder. Where she was and what she was doing is probably unimportant and not worth expanding upon at all.
"Hello, Harry," a distracted looking Headmaster greeted the boy. "You haven't seen Fawkes, have you?"
Harry shot a glance at the drowsy owl on his shoulder. "Nope, haven't seen him."
"Well, tell me if you do," Dumbledore asked as he started to walk away.
Hedwig chose that moment to belch, shooting a three foot tongue of flame out of her beak.
"You might check the Owlery later," Harry advised. "I heard he'll be hanging out in one of the dung piles."
"Thank you, Harry," Dumbledore said with a smile. The old man paused to squint at one of the birds on Harry's shoulder. "Fine looking phoenix you've got there."
"Thank you." Harry smiled widely. "He's been instrumental in helping my mind recover from the trauma of my unjust imprisonment."
"The password to my office is Zaken, don't hesitate to visit if you need to talk."
"I won't," Harry agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
The Gryffindor table went silent when Harry walked into the Great Hall and took his place at the table. No one said a thing until Colin nudged Neville.
"Uh . . . Harry," Neville stammered.
"What is it?" Harry growled.
"Why are you carrying a shiv, Harry?" Neville blurted.
"It's a habit I picked up in prison," Harry said in a gritty voice. "Have to have some way to protect yourself from the other prisoners."
"Did you ever have to use it?" Another student asked eagerly.
Harry stared at the other boy until he looked down. "Let's just say, a guy got it in the shower while I was there and I had nothing to do with it."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione was sick of Harry's foolishness. A girl can only take so much stupidity before she has to take matters into her own hands and that's why she'd flooed Sirius to tell him exactly what was going on with his godson.
"Harry's using the fact that he spent forty five minutes in prison as an excuse to do whatever he wants?" Sirius said dumbly.
"Yeah," Hermione growled. "And now he's dating twelve girls because he's endured such a 'terrible ordeal' that they're willing to share out of sympathy for him."
"We'll just see about that," Sirius said with a frown.
"Thank you, Sirius," Hermione said smugly. She knew that someone that had really endured the hardships that Harry was always talking about would be angry to hear about the boy's boasting.
"Move out of the way," Sirius growled. "I'm coming through."
Hermione watched smugly as the escaped prisoner crawled through the fireplace and into the Gryffindor Common Room. "Harry should be in the Great Hall right now," she added helpfully.
"I remember where it is," Sirius said through clenched teeth as he stormed out of the room.
Every eye in the Great Hall turned to stare at the disheveled man who burst through the doors. As he walked past, many hands reached up to pinch many noses to keep out the stench of unwashed dog.
"Harry Potter," Sirius shouted. "We have something to discuss."
"Come on then," Harry agreed. "We'll do it in private. Unless of course, you want to deal with our issue the way we used to resolve conflicts in the joint."
"You think you can take me?" Sirius said in a low, dangerous voice.
"I think you're getting old," Harry replied snidely. "But since you're my godfather, I'd rather not decorate the Great Hall with your entrails."
"Since you're my godson, I think it would be bad form to give you a Colombian necktie," Sirius sneered.
Sirius was able to keep himself contained until they were behind a locked door and several layers of privacy charms. "Harry."
"Yeah, Sirius?"
"Teach me how you parlayed the fact that you were an innocent man sent to prison into a man with twelve girlfriends," Sirius begged.
"Thirteen," Harry corrected.
"You gotta teach me," Sirius whined. "You just gotta."
"Well . . . you are my godfather," Harry said slowly. "Okay, the first thing you gotta do is . . ."
IIIIIIIIII
Confident that her plan to straighten out Harry was on track, Hermione decided to busy herself with her other hobby; forcing house elves radically change their entire culture to one that didn't offend her delicate sensibilities.
She had just finished delivering a twenty minute lecture explaining exactly why they were wrong and how their lives would be much better if they would just submit to her genius when it happened . . .
"We is not not liking Dobby because Dobby is free, we is not liking Dobby because Dobby is pervert," one of the house elves announced.
"Just because he wanted to be free you . . ." Hermione started.
"No, no Dobby is pervert. Dobby pleasures himself with Harry Potter sir's unmentionables."
"Is true," Dobby agreed solemnly. "Dobby just can't help hisself."
"Oh." Hermione didn't really know how to reply to that statement. "I . . . uh . . ."
"Dobby makes Winky wear Harry Potter sir mask when she uses her strappy on," the little elf sobbed. "Winky doesn't want to wear a mask."
"Er . . ." Hermione's eyes darted around the room in search of the nearest exit.
"Happens to all unbound elves it does," an ancient green house elf explained. "Deviant sexual predators without a master we become."
"I . . . I gotta go talk to Harry," Hermione said in a rush as she rushed out of the room.
The house elves burst into cheers when their magic assured them that the girl was well and truly gone.
"Our plan is working," a house elf cheered. "And annoying book girl is tricked."
"Now Dobby can be Harry Potter sir's house elf," Dobby cheered.
"Now strange girl will stop trying to free elvies," another cheered.
"Now Winky can stop wearing the Harry Potter sir mask," the little elf sighed. "Winky cants see very well when she is wearing the Harry Potter sir mask and it chafes her noses."
The kitchen was silent after that last pronouncement.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry and Sirius rounded the corner to behold the odd sight of Severus Snape sexually assaulting the Gargoyle on guard in front of Dumbledore's office.
"Sevvy," Sirius said in delight.
"Black ye black bastard," Severus slurred, attempting to put a foot in Sirius' groin.
"I missed you too," Sirius said, wiping a tear from his eye.
"What in the hell is going on?" Harry demanded. "I thought you hated Snape?"
"Can't stand the bastard," Sirius agreed. "Sevvy here is a good friend of mine. He's the fifth Marauder, the secret one."
"What?" Harry asked dully.
"Snape's a bastard, Sevvy comes out when Snivvy drinks enough." Sirius laughed. "Half the reason he hated us was because he'd wake up in strange situations . . ."
"Like that time with the sexually curious goblins," Sevvy supplied helpfully.
"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "With no memory of what happened. Bastard would blame everything on us and would never believe it when we told him he did it to himself."
"Wow." Harry grinned. "Can you tell me about my parents, Sevvy?"
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Sirius tried to interrupt.
"Nonsense," Sevvy bellowed. "Harry, your mother had the most perfect tits I've ever seen on a woman . . . human woman, there was this troll that had a rack that was out of this world." Sevvy went to his happy place for a few minutes. "As for your father, well . . . don't believe what people tell you about how he only became an animagus so it wouldn't technically be bestiality when he had sex with does. I'm sure he had lots of other reasons."
"Uh . . ." Harry was saved from having to reply by his Godfather's quick thinking.
"Hey, look out the window," Sirius called out. "You ever see so many Aurors in one place before?"
"Nope, wonder what they want?" Harry scratched his chin. "Sirius?"
"Yeah, Harry?"
"We ever get around to clearing your name?"
". . . . guess that explains the Aurors," Sirius said thoughtfully. "Sevvy, you provide a distraction while I escape."
Sevvy gave his partner in crime a drunken thumbs up before lurching off to do god knows what.
IIIIIIIIII
Amelia had just finished a rather thoughtful thank you note from the residents of Cannibal Island when the group assigned to capture Sirius Black, reported to be at Hogwarts arrived.
"Well?" she barked.
Shacklebolt handed over a parchment.
"We, the undersigned, in an effort to retain our sanity and avoid suicide or spontaneous combustion, have agreed to obliviate each other to expunge the horror we encountered in the entrance hall of Hogwarts. May God have mercy on our souls!"
AN: Busy with school so my writing has dropped off, should be finished in about 8-10 months.
Polish by: dogbertcarroll, meteoricshipyards, incubusfox3
Scenes by: meteoricshipyards
Typos by: djhardim, SP
Omake by: meteoricshipyards
"OK, I took a bath, I got a shave and a haircut (and it cost 2 knuts!) and I got clean clothes. What more do the women want from me?"
"Er, a boy recovering from a tramatic event being slightly emo can be cute," Tonk's said, using her matamorphmagus ability to increase her breast size to where it could hide Harry between them. "In an adult - not so much."
"MMMMPPPMMPP!" Harry gasped has his head appeared between her cleavage. "Almost suffocated in there!"
Omake: Rivals
Draco's eyebrows knit together in confusion when he saw his two minions in step behind Daphne Greengrass.
"What are you idiots doing?" Draco demanded. "You're supposed to guard me, not that slut."
"You want we should show him some proper respect, boss?" Goyle rumbled.
"Later," Daphne's lilting voice replied. "I've got something I'd like to discuss with him first."
"Yes, boss."
"Discuss what?" Draco demanded. "What's going on?"
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, Draco," Daphne sighed dramatically. "It seems that someone's informed Harry Potter that he's being judged by his rival. You."
"Potter should be honored then."
"Why?" Daphne giggled. "Have any of your schemes ever worked?"
"Huh?"
"It's like this, Draco. You've been replaced, Harry couldn't drop you quickly enough."
"Replaced?" Draco squeaked. "Who?"
"Me." Her voice hardened. "Bother Harry again and I'm afraid the beating you're about the experience at the hands of my minions will be a pleasant memory."
"Wait till I tell Professor Snape about this," Draco squealed.
"You see?" Daphne addressed her minions. "First sign of trouble and he starts squealing about Snape or his father, one of many reasons that he's just a poncy git with delusions of adequacy rather then a proper rival for Harry."
"Yes, boss."
"And as to Snape." Daphne smiled an explosion rocked the castle. "I'm afraid he just experienced a potions accident, shame there won't be enough of him left to fill a thimble. Harry really wanted to get a chance to piss on his grave and it's just not the same if you know the grave is empty."
"You killed our head of house?" Draco couldn't believe it.
"Harry did, said it wouldn't be fair to me not to have a biased authority figure in my corner and since my eldest sister happens to be a Potions Mistress . . . well, I'm sure you can follow the thought process."
"When my father hears about . . ."
"Harry also thought it wouldn't be fair if I didn't have a parent on the board of Governors, such a sweet boy." Daphne smiled, she was so fortunate to find someone so considerate. "Thankfully, there was enough of him to bury. I hear the line to piss on his grave is already three hours long."
"I . . . but . . . you . . ."
"I think that's everything I wanted to discuss with you," Daphne said thoughtfully. "Boys, why don't you give Draco a Little lesson on what words to never use around a lady?"
"You want one of us should join you to keep you safe, boss?"
"Harry's waiting for me outside," Daphne replied. "I'll be perfectly safe with him."
"Yes, boss."
AN: Something I've been meaning to write for a while.
Omake2 Stick97
Today we are at the dedication for Malfoy Lake. What was initially viewed as a minor fundraising promotion quickly turned into an environmental catastrophe. Luckily for Narcssa Black, she has been
given a percentage of the funds as a means of restitution for the
damages done to Malfoy Manor.
Unbeknownst to the Wizengamot at the time of the promotion, Lucius had changed his will to be interred at his Manor at the suggestion of his wife. According to his wife, he wanted to "always watch over his family".
Due to wording on the legal forms, once signed, the action must take place in proportion to the amount donated, OR the level of frustration or emotion felt towards Lucius. In addition, the fist ever loans
given out by Gringott's for this fundraiser led to a rush on the bank, and far more willing applicants being able to participate.
What was once referred to Mount Malfoy, is now located at the center of a rather large and foul lake of urine.
While some wizards have been negatively affected by the Malfoy family's lack of "spreading the wealth", others have taken this as a errrr.. golden opportunity".
Due to the tremendous backlog of applicants, there tends to be a significant wait, especially for repeat donations.
Fred and George Weasley have set up a Wandering WWW trailer with themed merchandise and paraphernalia. Particularly popular are the Charmed Chest Waders , enchanted with an automatic Bubble Head charm. Made from specially majicked acromantula silk, they allow for one way fluid passage, and privacy for the discerning witch or wizard. Also popular with the witches is the Weasley whizzer, an astounding device that allows a witch to "stand and deliver". Additionally popular are a box of charmed cereal talking Malfoy heads for target practice. Sales have been especially brisk since the addition of Snape sneers, Dumble-O's and Fudge packs. Rental broomsticks for aerial dispensation are also extremely popular. However, the hottest item would have to be their Black Ale, with FloMax additive. Great tasting and more filling, it allows the busy witch or wizard to be cooled and refreshed while allowing one better discharge rate then an overpowered Aguamenti charm.
We would like to thank the WWW for their tireless service, as well as the law-firm of Granger-Potter, Greengrass-Potter, Patil-Potter, and Potter, for their help and explanation of the legalese. This is Luna Lovegood-Potter signing off.
"Oi, Gerry, hand me an ale and my Whizzer, I need to hit the Malfoy before I head back to the Pottery!" laughed Luna.
Omake for Old Soldiers: Bagram Airbase
Malcolm Luthor pasted an award winning smile on his face when he saw the tasty bird sitting in the Green Beens Coffee Cafe. He didn't normally go for the studious type, but in this case he was willing to make an exception.
"Just got back in after a three week patrol," he purred, claiming the chair beside her. "Kept thinking of three things while I was out. A shower, a coffee, and a pretty girl. I've had my shower, I've got my coffee, and I've found my pretty girl."
"I'm engaged," Hermione said without looking up from her papers.
"So?" he leaned in. "Does your fiancé know what it's like to live life knowing that you . . ."
The girl looked up. "Malcolm Luthor thirty five, assistant manager at the Base Exchange. Graduated last in your class, twice passed over for promotion, suspected of embezzlement, and engaged to Abigail Smith. I can't imagine she'll be happy to hear that you've been chatting me up."
"How do you know all that?" he croaked.
"More worrying for you, I can't imagine my fiancé will be too happy to hear about it either," she continued, ignoring his question. "Those large gentlemen behind you are two of his."
Malcolm felt a large beefy hand come to rest on his shoulder.
"Major wanted us to tell you that he just got in," one of the men reported. "Says he's gonna catch a quick shower before he meets with you."
"Thank you," Hermione replied with a smile. "Do you mind showing my guest out? He's sitting in Harry's spot."
Couple Omake by: Sweet Kagamine Kiss
I really like this story of yours. Some are funny to read... hm... can't help it but make my own Omakes. XD
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Title: I don't think we're in England anymore.
"Where the heck am I?" Harry muttered. Pushing Voldemort through the veil wasn't a smart idea.
He got up... and saw that he was in a giant crater. There was some young man with spiky blond hair wearing a strange black and orange jumpsuit, and on the other side was a man in a black get-up, strange-looking eyes, and black piercing all over. Oh, and he had orange hair. Strange... who the bloody hell has orange hair? Aside the Japanese otakus?
"Where am I?"
"Hey, get out of the way!" Naruto shouted, as Pein came at Harry with intent to kill.
Harry reacted first. "Avada Kedavra!"
Pein was completely taken by surprise when the jet of green light hit him... and Naruto's mouth hung open, as did the mouths of the survivors in what remained of Konoha as the man simply toppled forward, and ceased moving. Of course, seeing magical energy physically taking shape around the now dead man's right hand was anything but a friendly greeting.
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Title: Another way to restart your Life.
Harry Potter opened his eyes.
"Huh?"
The alarm clock buzzed, and he smacked it, silencing it.
He heard a moan between him. He found himself to be... older. And he could see better without his glasses! But, he was also naked in his bed with two girls. Hermione and Luna. And while Hermione pressed her boobs against his back, he felt his manhood gripped by Luna's hands.
Out of all the possible scenarios-
"Oh, sweetie, you're up," came Lily's voice form the door. His mother just walked in, and stared at her son as if it was a normal occurrence.
"You and the girls get cleaned up and dressed properly. And I hope you remembered to use the Anti-Pregnancy Charm."
She shut the door.
... Okay... a small voice in his mind told him this: Bang your hot naked mother with your girlfriends! And for some strange reason, Harry felt he had to comply with the voice.