Disclaimer: Having worked in a hospital, let me assure you that this is tame compared to some of the things you see that can't be unseen.
Tales From The Hogwarts Hospital Wing
or
Why Poppy Pomfrey Hates Her Life!
Omake: Be Sure of Your Footing
"Good afternoon, Mr. Malfoy," Pomfrey said neutrally.
"Healer," Draco replied.
"Let me guess," Pomfrey sighed. "You slipped and fell again, didn't you?"
"Yes, Healer."
"And you just happened to land on a long and vaguely cylindrical object, right?"
"Yes, Healer."
"And some misfortune caused the afore mentioned object to go up your rectum and become lodged in your colon," Poppy said flatly.
"Exactly what happened," Draco agreed.
"Is there some reason you keep leaving long and vaguely cylindrical objects laying around on the floor?" Poppy asked as she prepared her equipment.
"Why wouldn't I?" Draco asked brazenly.
"Because history has shown that you'll eventually slip and fall on them causing them to go up your rectum," Poppy replied.
"Mere coincidences," Draco insisted.
"Five times in the last month?"
"Are you insinuating something?"
"Bend over the examination table," Poppy sighed. "Let's get this over with . . . again."
Omake: Don't Forget The Silk
"Ms. Granger," Madame Pomfrey greeted the girl. "What can I do for you?"
"Um." Hermione blushed a deep red. "Do you have anything for chafing?"
"From what and on what area?" Poppy asked as she turned to her potions cabinet."
"From dragon hide and on my nipples," Hermione replied.
"On your where?" Poppy asked.
"My nipples, Madame Pomfrey," Hermione's voice was even despite her deepening blush.
"What happened?" Poppy asked.
"My new leather corset is just a bit rougher then I thought it would be," Hermione explained.
"Of course it is," Poppy muttered to herself. It was always the quiet ones. "Here you are, Ms. Granger."
"Thank you, Madame Pomfrey."
Omake: Careful, You Don't Know Where She's Been . . . er . . . Baaaeen
"What seems to be bothering you, Albus?" Madame Pomfrey asked.
"An itching and burning sensation when I use the chamber pot," the Headmaster replied.
"I see." She cast a couple of diagnostic charms. "I've found the problem, Albus," Madame Pomfrey said.
"Wonderful," Albus said cheerfully. "What is it?"
"A sexually transmitted disease," she said bluntly. "Only this one . . ."
"You can cure it, can't you?"
"I can cure it, but it's generally found in sheep. This is the first case I've ever seen it occurs in humans." Outside Aberdeen anyway.
"Sheep," Albus roared. "That cheating slut. Oh, how am I going to tell Aberforth?"
"I couldn't say," Poppy said, forcing her smile to stay on. "Take this potion three times a day for the next three weeks."
"Thank you, Poppy."
"It's my job, Albus." Unfortunately.
Omake: Don't Put That There
Ron wondered into the Hospital wing with a bit of feather sticking out his left nostril.
"Oh for heavens sake," Poppy sighed. She cast a quick, and unfortunately well practiced charm to remove the foreign object. "Another deep one, Mr. Weasley?"
"Yes, Madame Pomfrey," Ron agreed.
"What have I told you about using a quill to pick your nose?" She asked sternly.
"I didn't have a choice," Ron protested. "I was in charms class and lunch isn't for a whole thirty minutes."
"What does that . . ." the full implications of the boys words hit her. "Never mind, is there anything else you need, Mr. Weasley?"
"No, Madame Pomfrey."
"On your way, then."
Omake: Always Remember to be Considerate of Others
"Ms. Granger so good to see you again, and you've brought Mr. Potter with you this time." She hit the boy with a dozen diagnostic charms. "Who doesn't appear to have anything wrong with him for once." She crushed the urge to put him in bed three for observation, just to be sure. What seems to be the problem."
"We need something to treat chafing again, Madame Pomfrey," Hermione explained.
"Your corset again?" She sighed.
"Oh no," Hermione said quickly. "I learned my lesson after the first time and lined it with silk so it wouldn't bother any sensitive areas."
"Well . . . that's good to hear," Poppy said, trying to focus on the positives. "What sort of chafe marks?"
"Rope burns mostly," Harry replied.
"I see, and just why do you need something to treat rope burns?" Poppy knew she was going to regret asking but she just had to know.
"We were playing warden, sadistic guard, and her easily seduced assistant and I might have gotten a bit carried away playing the sadistic guard," Hermione admitted.
"I see." She wished she didn't. Poppy pulled a vial off the shelf. "Apply this to the effected area and wait for five minutes, then apply again."
"We're uh . . . we're going to need more then that, Madame Pomfrey," Harry said nervously.
"How much?"
"Enough for five girls," Harry replied. "Wrists and ankles."
Omake: Or There
Ron waddled into the Hospital Wing with a look of profound discomfort on his face.
"Mr. Weasley," Madame Pomfrey greeted the boy. "And you don't seem to have a feather sticking out your nose." A small improvement but one she was willing to celebrate. "What seems to be the problem this time?"
"I've got a stuck quill again," Ron replied.
"Really?" Damn it. "I don't see it." Ron dropped his pants, and showed her. "Just how did you get a quill stuck up your urethra?" Madame Pomfrey asked reluctantly.
"I was in Transfiguration and I had an itch," Ron explained. "My finger wouldn't fit so I used a quill."
"Of course," Madame Pomfrey sighed. "Hop on the table." She hated her life sometimes.
Omake: Why Proper Wand Maintenance is Vital to a Happy Life
"Ms. Bones, Ms. Abbott," Poppy greeted the two girls. "What seems to be the problem?"
"I've got a splinter, Madame Pomfrey," Susan replied.
"Where is it?" Poppy asked, almost overjoyed that it was something so normal.
"In my . . . uh . . . personal area," Susan said with a blush.
"I see." Poppy sighed, she should have known. "Just how did you get a splinter stuck there?"
"Apparently someone doesn't take proper care of her wand," Susan said, shooting a pointed glare at her friend.
"Sorry," Hanna said shame faced. "We normally use your wand so I didn't think . . . sorry."
"Come this way, Ms. Bones." Why oh why did she become a Healer?
Omake: Be Considerate of Others When You Have a Cold
"Ms. Lovegood." Poppy took a deep calming breath as she prepared herself for the worst. "What can I do for you today?"
"Hmmm?" Luna smiled at the Healer. "My throat's feeling a bit sore and I'm worried that I'm coming down with something."
"Oh." Poppy squelched the urge to cheer. "Have a seat while I check."
"Alright." Luna took a seat and watched as the healer cast her diagnostic charms.
"It looks like you are indeed coming down with a case of influenza," Poppy announced. She pulled a vial of potion out of her cabinet. "This should clear it right up."
"Thank you, Madame Pomfrey," Luna said gratefully.
"No problem," Poppy replied.
"Um." Luna paused as a thought occurred to her. "Was I contagious?"
"A bit," Poppy agreed.
"Would kissing someone pass it on?" Luna asked, her cheeks turned a bit pink.
"Why don't I just give you another vial for them?" Poppy suggested.
"I'll need six more vials, Madame Pomfrey," Luna interjected.
"Six?" Poppy asked weakly.
"We were playing prison warden, sadistic head guard, and her easily seduced assistant today," Luna explained.
"I see." Poppy sighed, of course it couldn't be that simple.
"I was the easily seduced assistant," Luna added happily.
Omake: On Why You Shouldn't Leave Your Golf Bag Laying Around
"Tripped and fell on another vaguely cylindrical object, Mr. Malfoy?" Poppy asked. Why did god hate her so much?
"Why ever would you think something like that?" Draco demanded.
"Because of the depressing regularity," Poppy replied. "What is it this time?"
"This time I fell on a golf ball," Draco replied with as much dignity as he could muster.
"A golf ball." That was a new one.
"Yes," Draco agreed. "And then I slipped and fell on another."
"There were two golf balls on the floor and you just happened to fall on them?"
"There were twenty golf balls on the floor," Draco said with a haughty sniff. "Some dolt knocked over my golf bag and they all fell out on the floor."
"And naturally you slipped on them and fell several times, causing them all to to up your rectum," Poppy said dully.
"Exactly what happened," Draco agreed.
"Bend over the table, Mr. Malfoy." Poppy sighed, idly wondering if it was too late to find a new career.
Addendum By David
"Here, Mr Malfoy, take this potion." Poppy sighed, idly wondering if it was too late to find a new career.
"Yum, that potion tasted like chocolate, what is it?" Draco asked.
"A muscle relaxant combined with a laxative, I suggest you be sitting on a toilet in about 15 minutes"
Omake: It's Good to Love Animals, But There is a Limit
"Severus," Poppy greeted her colleague warily.
"Poppy," the man replied stiffly.
"Another perforated colon?" Poppy asked reluctantly.
"Indeed."
"What happened this time?"
"I had just finished a brisk swim when I stepped out of the water and noticed some rare potions ingredients on the ground. Naturally, I got on all fours to gather them and that's when it happened."
"What sort of animal was it this time?" Poppy sighed.
"What do you mean, this time?" Snape demanded.
"Just that this sort of misfortune seems to happen to you with depressing regularity," Poppy replied. "I believe you slipped on the morning dew and fell on all fours last week and your robe just happened to get hiked up causing a donkey to mount you. The week before it was a bull when you were sleeping on your stomach draped over a stump."
"I see." Snape paused to consider his answer. "It was another bull, I'm starting to think that the creatures take all too much interest in me."
"Of course they do," Poppy sighed. Curse you god.
Omake: It's Not Too Late to Whip it, Whip it Good
"Mr. Potter," Poppy greeted her most frequent patient. "What is it this time?"
"I need something to heal lash marks, Madame Pomfrey," Harry replied.
"Let me see them," Poppy commanded.
"They're not on me," Harry said quickly. "Hermione got a bit too enthusiastic again and I'll need enough doses for . . ."
"Five girls, right?" Poppy asked as she began rummaging through her potions cabinet.
"Uh." Harry coughed.
"What was that?"
"Eight." Harry's blush was almost as red as Ron's hair.
Omake: At Least he's Learned his Lesson Concerning Quills
"Mr. Weasley," Poppy said dully. "Where did you get a quill stuck this time?"
"Isn't a quill, Madame Pomfrey," Ron said proudly. "I learned my lesson."
"Thank god for small mercies," Poppy muttered. Things were looking up. "What's the problem this time, then?"
In response, Ron dropped his pants.
Poppy pinched the bridge of her nose, she should have known. "Is that one of the stirring rods from Potions class?" She asked dully.
"It was the only thing on the table I thought would fit that wasn't a quill," Ron replied proudly.
"And why exactly did you jam it up your urethra?" Poppy hated herself for asking.
"I wanted to see if it would fit, of course," Ron said, shooting her a look of superiority.
"Of course," she echoed.
Omake: Working Out
"Mr. Thomas," Madame Pomfrey greeted the student.
"Just came in for some ligament cream," the boy announced. "Been lifting a lot of weights with Seamus and we're both pretty sore."
"Is that it?"
"Might have pulled a muscle," Dean admitted with a shrug. "Don't think so though."
"You didn't," she agreed after a quick check.
"About that cream?"
"Here you are." She gave him a large jar. "Will there be anything else?"
"No, Madame Pomfrey."
A smile appeared on Poppy's face, finally something normal and non-perverted.
Omake: Proper Planning
"What do you need?" Poppy sighed, why oh why did god hate her so much?
"We're going to need some birth control potions," Daphne said with a blush.
"Enough for two hundred and sixty four witches," Tracy added.
"What?" Poppy asked dully.
"Enough for two hundred and sixty four witches," Tracy repeated.
"You honestly expect me to believe that there are two hundred and sixty four witches in Mr. Potter's harem?" Poppy asked skeptically. "I don't even think there are that many in a ten mile radius of the castle."
"Actually, there are two hundred and sixty five counting yourself," Tracy said helpfully.
"So what you're telling me is that Mr. Potter is servicing every witch except for myself?"
"Yes, Madame Pomfrey."
"How many doses do you really need?" Poppy sighed.
"Forty five," Tracy sighed.
"Told you not to have such a high number," Daphne scolded.
"What's the real number then?" Poppy prompted.
"Forty five," Daphne confirmed.
"How in the world did Mr. Potter get that many girls after him?" Poppy asked in shock.
"Well," Daphne began. "It all started when Tracy and I got the idea to have a bit of fun with Potter and Granger."
"But we could never catch them alone together, finally caught Granger and Lovegood together and figured what the hell. Let's mess with the two of them."
"Our first clue that something had gone wrong was when Lovegood started clapping and muttering something about more slaves for Master Harry," Daphne said with a soft smile.
"Or it could have been the way Granger started licking her lips," Tracy added. "Anyway, long story short, the other girls found out that Granger was willing to share and we've got about fifteen regulars and several other occasional visitors."
"But why are you all focused on Mr. Potter?" Poppy asked. "There are other boys in the castle."
"Why don't we look at the top five boys in the castle?" Tracy suggested. "There's Harry."
"Mmmmm, Harry," Daphne moaned.
"Ahem," Tracy cleared her throat. "Neville . . ."
"Damn Puffs won't share him," Daphne muttered.
"Draco."
All three witches shuddered at the thought.
"Ronald," Daphne said sickly.
"And Dean . . ."
"Who's in an exclusive relationship with Seamus," Tracy added.
"Not that they'll admit it," Daphne said.
"Just say that they're very good friends."
"Who shower together, disappear into empty classrooms together, etc."
"Nothing wrong with two blokes spending time together," Tracy said in a fairly good imitation of Dean's voice.
AN: Figured that I might as well put this up. Was going to use it as a subplot in another fic, never got around to it.
Omake By kafkaexmachina
Voldemort and Wormtail discuss his years at Hogwarts around the old Riddle Manor.
"So, Wormtail..." Voldemort started.
"Yes, Master?" Wormtail grovelled.
"Why did you never attempt to contact my inner circle? I understand avoiding Severus, but still, there were others. After all, Malfoy's boy... Draco was it?... was a mere castle away."
Wormtail paled (which was, in and of itself, quite the feat) and pulled a full-body shudder. "I did, master. Once." A tear dripped down his cheek. "Poor Lemiwinks, we knew thee well..." He sobbed, clutching his head. "The horror, the horror!"
"Wormtail, if you ever tell me what happened, I will Crucio you like you've never been Crucio'd before."
Omake by tengokujin
"Mr. Longbottom, I did not expect you here."
"Uh... er... hello, Madam Pompfrey," replied Neville in a small voice.
"What can I do for you, Mr. Longbottom?" asked the only source of magical healing in a 2-mile radius.
"I... um... I've got a rash, ma'am."
"Can you tell me how you got this rash, Mr. Longbottom?" came the resigned voice of someone who knew she was going to dread the answer.
"I was... uh... handling some bubotubers without gloves and... er... my hands are in a bad way."
Madam Pompfrey blinked.
"That's it?" she asked. "Nothing about not seeing the bubotubers and placing your hand conveniently around the most volatile parts? Nothing about using them in some strange manner, leaving rashes on sensitive parts of your anatomy?"
"Err...? ... No?"
"... I see. Mr. Longbottom, come here, allow me to apply this salve. You should be fine by supper time."
Neville walked over to the school's healer, had some salve applied to his hands, and walked out, profusely thanking the relieved witch the whole while.
Minutes later, a bow-legged Susan Bones walked in.
"Madam Pompfrey? Do you have anything for bubotuber contact?"
Omake by Ghrdr
Madam Pomphey rubbed her temples with her fingertips and sighed.
It was that time of the month again and she needed to check and make sure she had the necessary potions on hand. Skel-grow for the most part plus a healthy dose of pepper-up with a side dreamless sleep. Thinking about it for a minute she decided to add a bottle of all purpose lube because the Malfoy heir couldn't resist slipping on something.
Making her way into the ward she saw her first casualty on the first bed practicing what looked like the wand movements for the memory charm. Quickly stunning Daphne Greengrass, Madam Pomphey shook her head as she heard the rush of students heading her way.
She'd tried again and again to tell Albus to make Severus go outside when he re-greased his hair.
Omake by meteoricshipyards
Madam Pomfrey took a sip of her tea (laced with some medicinal fortifier) and put her feet up in the Teachers' Lounge. It was the morning, and most accidents didn't happen until afternoon or evening when the students got, er, frisky.
The door opened and Hagrid came in. There was someone she had never worked with, although she thought she should. Bites from acromantulas? Vicious cuts from the claws of Manticores? All just "scratches" to him, and then he'll go off on how "harmless" the little beasties really were.
"'Morning, Poppy."
"Good morning, Rubius. Quiet morning?"
"Yeah, mostly. Don't teach this morning, and the children usually don't bring their pets till lunch when they're sure they're not jus' havin' a lie-in."
"Bring their pets?"
"Yeah. Any of them hurt or sick, they bring them to me. You'd be surprised what sort of wear and tear the little tykes do to their critters."
"Probably nothing like what they do to their own bodies."
"What? Do tell!"
"Sorry, but healer/patient confidentiality keeps me from revealing what goes on, but I can say that no orifice of their bodies is free from abuse of one form or another."
"Orifice? Bah! You should see what they do to their pets. But the worse was one of the centaurs."
"Don't tell me some child has a pet centaur?"
"Not a pet, exactly. It's just she's so bloody friendly with all the critters, she can walk right up to any of them as if it were a kitten. Well, most. Fer some reason some of the centaurs don't like any humans, even Luna."
"This is the Lovegood girl?"
"That's right. Bright as a button, she is. But it would take a barbed wire fence to keep that one out of the forbidden forest; just doesn't see the danger. Anyway, the way I heard the story she was spotted goin' into the forest by some Slytherins who thought they'd have a bit o'fun with her. They followed, and I'm not quite sure what happened. . . ."
"They didn't abuse her, did they? She hasn't been to see me. Do you think they obliviated her afterward? She's such a shy thing, I doubt she would report it."
"Well, she is shy, I'll give you that, but calm? Mostly, but she does have her limits. Seems the Slytherins were taunting her when she came across Bane the Centaur who has a particular dislike for her because of her wondering the forest without asking their leave, as if anyone needs it. But with him and the Slytherin's laying into her, she reached her breaking point."
"But what could she do against a pair of students and a full grown centaur?"
"I'm not sure, but later, when she calmed down and was pretty contrite about losing her temper, she led Bane to me to fix him up."
"She hurt him?"
"And the Slytherins. I had to extract both of them from his arse!"
Omake by tengokujin
"Mr. Goyle, Mr. Crabbe. What can I do for you now?" sighed Madam Pompfrey. She'd seen them earlier today, when they can down with a most mysterious case of broken joints and torn muscles. She really did not want to think why their respective wrists were broken and sphincters were torn, but she-
Madam Pompfrey took another draught of her special flask of her "extra-strong" calming potion.
Feeling much more mellow, she asked the mute duo again, "Mr. Goyle? Mr. Crabbe? In cloth for wholesome dragon melody. Door cuts pastry flower?"
She paused. The duo managed to look more confused.
Realizing what she had meant to say and what she had said didn't quite mesh, she took a deep, cleansing breath, gathered her thoughts once more, and asked, "Mr. Goyle, Mr. Crabbe. What do you need here?"
Satisfied she got her point across this time, she waited.
A few moments passed.
"Mr. Goyle? Mr. Crabbe?"
The duo still did not reply.
"..."
Madam Pompfrey just manage to catch herself before openly weeping into her hands. After a few more draughts and chasing after illusionary Snorkacks frolicking as if it were May Day (First of May, first of May, outdoor fu-), she managed to think of a possible reason why the two did not respond.
"Mr. Goyle, Mr. Crabbe, have you been silenced?"
After half a minute, the duo slowly nodded.
Madam Pompfrey cast a "Finite" on them.
"Will that be all, Mr. Goyle, Mr. Crabbe?"
Vincent and Gregory both brought up their broken wrists.
This time, she didn't stop herself.
Omake by Danjal
The sudden blinding headache made Poppy rush towards the calender.
"Damn," she muttered, "A months goes by way to fast. Let's hope..."
CRASH
"Nothing has happened." Poppy ended while looking resignedly towards the door to see Remus Lupin entering her hospital wing.
"Was there a problem with the Wolfsbane?" She asked while hoping this would indeed be the problem.
A shake of the head was her only answer.
"Sirius Black found his squeeky toy again and you forgot to stop chewing it when you changed back again?" Poppy tried, while trying to figure out what she might have done wrong in another lifetime to be punished like this.
A nod of the head was her only answer.
"Very well, let's get this over with. Say Aaah."
========================================
The sudden blinding headache made Poppy rush towards the calender.
"Damn," she muttered, "A months goes by way to fast. Let's hope..."
CRASH
"Nothing has happened." Poppy ended while looking resignedly towards the door to see Remus Lupin and Sirius Black entering her hospital wing.
"Was there a problem with the Wolfsbane?" She asked while hoping this would indeed be the problem.
Two shaking heads was her only answer.
"Sirius Black found his squeeky toy again after already buying another and you forgot to stop chewing it when you changed back again, while Black started laughing and thereby lodging it in his mouth, again" Poppy sighed, wondering how many deities she could have possibly pissed of in another lifetime.
Two nodding heads was her only answer.
"Very well, let's get this over with. Say Aaah."
========================================
The sudden blinding headache made Poppy rush towards the calender.
"Damn," she muttered, "A months goes by way to fast. Let's hope..."
CRASH
"Nothing has happened." Poppy ended while looking resignedly towards the door to see Remus Lupin entering her hospital wing.
"Was there a problem with the Wolfsbane?" She asked while hoping this would indeed be the problem.
A shake of the head was her only answer.
"Sirius Black found his squeeky toy again and you forgot to stop chewing it when you changed back again?" Poppy tried.
A shake of the head was her only answer.
"Then what is the problem?" Her mental equilibrium getting dangerously out of balance.
"I've got a splinter in my finger."
========================================
Years later scientists would conclude this sequence of events sparked the formation of the worlds most lethal, sadistic and horrifying reign of the Dark Lady known as The Doctor. On a positive note, those same scientists noted that a golden age for personal hygiene and general appreciation of health care practitioners started.
Omake by Dark King: Ravenclaw ingenuity can be dangerous
"Good Morning, Miss Chang," Poppy said, already dreading this visit, "what seems to be the trouble today?"
"Er...what have you got for abrasions?" The nervous girl asked.
/This is new,/ thought Pomfrey, /maybe a normal injury for once?/
"I have several possible treatments, depending on the location. Can you tell me where the injury is?"
"Um...well...it's kind of...um...personal."
Poppy's calm exterior did a superb job of hiding the near nervous breakdown she was having internally.
"What happened, Miss Chang?"
"Well, I was missing Cedric a lot, so Marietta researched some old spells and..."
short scene break
"OK, Miss Chang, I think I've heard enough. Drink this potion, and avoid...exercising...the affected area for 2 weeks. And if you ever create a golem that is an exact replica of Cedric Diggory again, don't use sandstone."
Unrelated Omake by Me
Omake: A Shepherd's Resignation
Harry was sitting in his usual place in the Great Hall when the Prophet arrived, pandaemonium soon followed.
"You can't do this, Harry," one of the Ravenclaws screamed. "You can't."
Harry decided against replying, choosing instead to focus on his lunch.
"Silence," Dumbledore punctuated his command with a loud crack and a flash of light from the tip of his wand. "Care to explain yourself, Harry?"
"Was my letter to the Prophet not clear enough?" The boy asked softly.
"It says here that . . ."
"It says I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, Voldemort can have this whole rotting hulk." Harry looked around. "There's nothing here worth saving, I've got no reason to fight."
"He killed your parents," a fifth year Hufflepuff pointed out.
"I killed him," Harry replied. "Twice."
"You can't be serious, Harry." Dumbledore looked down at the boy in disappointment. "What would your parents think?"
"Judging by the examples I've had, they'd think; thank god our son isn't going to have anything to do with that madman," Harry said without looking up. "Very few parents want their fifteen year old children to fight in a war, I'm not sure I'd want anything to do with the ones that would."
"They'd want you to stand up for what you believe in," McGonagall said quickly.
"I am." Harry looked up at his head of house. "I'm standing up for myself. I'm telling you lot that you're going to have to stand on your own from now on."
The castle's inhabitance shared fear filled glances.
"Besides," Harry continued. "Didn't the Prophet print a story about how I was a delusional boy trying to get attention yesterday?"
"They're leading with a story in which they admit that they may have been mistaken today," Dumbledore said dryly.
"Bully for them." Harry speared another link of sausage. "Pity it was a day too late."
"You'd really abandon your friends like that?" Dumbledore asked sadly.
"I'd really give my friends a bit of advanced notice so they could get out of the castle before you lot had the bright idea of using them for hostages." Harry grinned. "I'd have gone with them but I had to see your reactions in person." He took one last look around. "The offer I put in the paper is so simple even you lot should be able to figure it out. He leaves me and mine alone, I leave him and his alone."
"What about us?"
"You?" Harry laughed. "I wash my hands of you." His smile widened as he activated his portkey. To hell with the sheep, let the wolves have them.
Omake: Fun with Latin
Hermione was exasperated, she really didn't know why she was arguing with Luna Lovegood of all people. Maybe it was her inability to let things go?
"Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!" Luna retorted smugly.
Hermione went blank for a few minutes as she did a quick mental translation. "No it doesn't."
"If you can't reply in Latin, then yes it does," Luna giggled.
"Luna, you can't just . . ."
"Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure." The girl interrupted.
"What's going on?" Harry asked as he entered the conversation.
"Hermione was just showing off the gaps in her education," Luna chirped.
"Luna, you . . . I . . . ohhhh," Hermione sputtered.
"Magister Mundi sum!" Luna announced in triumph. "Harry?"
"Yes, Luna?"
"Futuere me?"
"What?"
"Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur," She giggled.
Omake: Another Version
by tildesmoo
C/O tengokujin
"Logica falsa totam tuam philosophiam suffodiant!" Luna retorted smugly.
Hermione went blank for a few minutes as she did a quick mental translation.
"No, it doesn't."
"If you can't reply in Latin, then yes, it does," Luna giggled.
"Luna, you can't just..."
"Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum in aure fixa est," the girl interrupted.
"What's going on?"
"Hermione was just showing off the gaps in her education," Luna chirped.
"Luna, you... I... ohhhh," Hermione sputtered.
"Magistrix mundi sum!" Luna announced in triumph. "Harry?"
"Yes, Luna?"
"Me defutere?"
"What?"
"Vah! Denuone Latinam loquebar? Inepta sum. Interdum accidet."