Disclaimer: Been distracted by other things, don't see that changing any time soon.
Remmy's revenge
Remus was feeling surprisingly good for the morning after a full moon. Granted he was naked but that was to be expected, his inner wolf hated clothing with a passion that . . . wait, what was that fuzzy feeling on his chest? He reluctantly looked down and . . .
"Woof!"
"Not again," the man moaned, glaring down at the dog in his arms. On the plus side at least his wolf side usually mellowed out after it happened. After carefully hitting the dog with a wandless contraception charm, something all of the marauders save Peter had gotten quite adept at casting, he found the stash he'd made the night before, got dressed, and found a small cafe in Hogsmead for a spot of breakfast.
"Cup of coffee and a newspaper," he ordered. One plus side to his inner wolf's night was that the creature didn't leave him a physical wreck the next morning.
The headline was all about the opening of St. Mungo's brand new Malfoy wing to treat magical (read pureblood) children. Flipping to the next page in disgust at how the man had been able to successfully clean his image, Remus glanced at the page and was about to flip to the next when something stopped him. The story was nothing exceptional, a human interest about a boy winning an owl in an essay contest. The photo though . . . the photo contained a picture of a deadman.
"Well what are you doing there, Peter?" Remus mumbled to himself. It looked like there was one other Marauder alive and out of Azkaban, and if Peter was alive then that meant . . . oops. Well, it wasn't like Sirius had never made a mistake. He was sure his friend would forgive him. After all, he'd forgiven Sirius for almost making him eat Snape. The thought of putting any part of the greasy bastard in his mouth still rolled his stomach.
A quick investigation, made even simpler by the recovery of a letter by James Potter, confirmed his suspicions. Sirius was innocent, Peter was a traitor, and as usual it was up to Remus Lupin to clean up the mess.
It took nearly two hours to figure out a plan to spring Sirius and another three to enact it. Pesky visitor hours.
Remus smiled as the boat docked at Azkaban Prison for the incredibly incorrigible. The bribe to get the boatman to do his duty had meant that he wouldn't be able to buy a bottle that month, but it would be well worth it if the plan paid off. Besides, he had every intention of forcing Sirius to reimburse him after the escape.
"Purpose of visit?" the bored guard demanded.
"Here to visit Sirius Black," Remus explained.
"And why did you bring your dog along?"
"For protection," Remus replied, looking down at his large canine companion. "The dog's here to take care of Black if he tries something."
"Sounds reasonable," the guard agreed after pocketing his bribe. "You've got five minutes. Make 'em count."
"Oh I will," Remus agreed. He walked down to the cells and into his old friend's home for the past several years.
"Remmy, you've got to believe me, I didn't . . ."
"Shut up!" Remus growled, flashing his friend a hand signal. "I don't want to hear it so shut your stupid face!"
"You shut your stupid face!" Sirius replied with a gesture of his own. "You stinking . . . uh . . . stinker!"
"You never did have much imagination, Black!" Remus retorted, taking off the dog's collar. "I see now that coming here was a waste of time. I hope hell is worse than here, I don't want to think you'll be better off." He pounded on the door. "Guard, let me out!"
Remus stepped out into the hall and slammed the cell door behind him.
"You forgot your dog, Mr. Lupin," the guard pointed out.
"So I did," Remus laughed. "I guess we'll have to go back and get him eventually. In the mean time, why don't we walk down the hall and enjoy a nice glass of whiskey?" Remus held up the bottle and raised an eyebrow.
"The dog can wait," the guard agreed. "What kind of whiskey is that?"
"The kind with alcohol in it," Remus replied.
"My favorite kind!" the guard cheered.
They returned a few minutes later to find the cell literally covered in blood. Sitting in the middle of it, licking his chops and looking inordinately proud of himself was Remus' pet.
"I guess Black tried something," the guard said dryly.
"I guess so," Remus agreed. "Well, looks like it's time for us to get going."
"There's still the matter of the dog," the guard sighed. "You know what has to be done to creatures that harm a human."
"And I'm going to do it myself, my dog so it's my responsibility," Remus agreed. "Shame to put ol'Padfoot down like that since he was only trying to protect me from Sirius Black, but the law's the law."
"True. How were you planning to do the deed?"
"Well, I was planning to put him out to stud and see if too much work did him in. If not, I suppose I'll have to put my hopes on the all steak diet doing the deed."
"Poor bugger having to suffer through all that," the guard agreed. "Have a good day, Mr. Lupin."
IIIIIIIIII
Remus had always been the smart one. After figuring out that Sirius was innocent it was child's play to break the man out of prison, another week took care of the Harry Potter Problem and then it was time to focus on revenge
IIIIIIIIII
Scabbers was wandering around the fairgrounds in search of some unattended snacks when he felt a powerful hand grab him around the midsection and lift him up into the air. Then, the rat's world dissolved into pain as it felt like someone had shoved a telephone pole up his ass.
IIIIIIIIII
Ron was frantically searching for his new pet. He'd brought Scabbers to the fair with him to enjoy the rides and games when the rat had slipped out of his pocket and disappeared.
"Rat on a stick," one of the carnies called out. "Get yer deep fried rat on a stick. Only two knuts a rat."
"Scabbers!" Ron called out, recognizing still kicking rat on the end of a stick. "Gimme back my rat!"
"Your rat?" The man grabbed the stick and held it up. "How can you tell?"
"He's missing one of his toes," Ron replied.
"So he is," the man agreed. "Sorry about that, kid. You want I should fry him up for you?" The man held the rat over the hot oil, letting it get burned by the splatter.
"NO!"
"You sure?" he asked, stalling to keep the rat there a bit longer.
"Yes, just give him back!"
"Here you go, kid." The man grabbed one of the pre-fried rats. "And have a free one on me, as my apology for the mix up."
"Gee, thanks, Mister," Ron said happily.
"No problem, kid." He watched in pleasure as the Weasley boy accidentally bit the wrong rat, taking more than a bit of joy from the creature's pain. "No problem at all."
The man waited a few more minutes before removing his disguise. "Tell me that wasn't better than just killing him?"
"When you're right, you're right, Remmy," Sirius said, pulling off an invisibility cloak. "But I still say he deserves more than that."
"I couldn't agree more," Remus agreed. "I was thinking that you might like to take care of the next one personally."
"What did you have in mind?" Sirius asked eagerly.
"Well . . ."
IIIIIIIIII
It took Peter almost fifteen minutes to work the stick out of his behind after he got back to his cage, fifteen minutes of agony, fifteen minutes of exertion, fifteen minutes of learning the hard way that the stick had splinters. Fifteen minutes to . . .
The rat squeaked in pain when it felt like another telephone pole was shoved up his poor abused rectum, what had he done to deserve this?
IIIIIIIIII
With Sirius off getting another measure of revenge, Remus was reading a letter from Harry and reflecting that, in hindsight, it hadn't been the best idea to allow Sirius to arrange for the boy's education. Really, eight was much too young to appreciate the things taught at the Bombay Academy of Tantric Arts.
With a sigh, Remus set about arranging alternate education in a more traditional sort of school. They'd send Harry back to India after his fifth year, when the boy would be more motivated to learn.
IIIIIIIIII
Sirius had to suppress a mighty grin at the sight of his arch-nemesis being paraded around in his animal form with what appeared to be a toy wand up his ass. Life was just good sometimes.
Taking several deep breaths to calm himself, the man put on his game face and got to work. That revenge wasn't going to get itself.
"Handsome rat you've got there."
Ron spun around to find a large man looking down at his rat. "Thanks, he's been in the family for a few years."
"First he was my brother's pet, then my brother won a contest and got an owl with the money and now he's mine."
"A few years?"
"At least five," Ron agreed.
"Wow, he's lived that long, huh?" The man grinned. "Kid, I'd like to breed your rat with one of mine. I'll pay you . . . ten galleons for each kit, sound good?"
Sirius pulled out a cage full of rats out of his pockets and set it down.
"Sounds great!" Ron cheered. The boy yanked the stick out of the rat's behind and tossed him into the cage.
To Ron's disgust, his pet, for some reason, refused to mate with any of the female rats he was presented with.
"Not to worry, kid, I've got a plan," the man said grandly. "We'll just change your rat to a girl rat, no problem. Means less galleons to you since he . . . er, she can only be pregnant with one litter at a time. But some galleons are better than none, am I right?"
"You're right," Ron agreed.
The man hit Scabbers with a quick gender changing charm and pulled out another large cage of rats from his other pocket.
"We'll go by size," the man said. He'd already hit each of the rats with an endowment charm. "Biggest rat first followed by the next followed by the next." Being the guest of honor in a rat gang bang was the least of what the dirty little traitor deserved. "By the time we've cycled through, the big rats will be ready for another turn."
"He'll be sure to get pregnant then!" Ron cheered.
"Right you are, son, and if he doesn't. We'll just try again and again until he does." Or the contraceptive charms wore off, they were supposed to be good for ten years or until canceled. "In fact, here's five galleons to start you off with."
"Gee, thanks, mister."
"One more thing, kid."
They both ignored Scabber's panicked squeaking as the first rat began his turn.
"Yeah?" Ron asked.
"Why does he have a stick shoved up his bum?" Sirius suppressed another smile at the plight of the traitor.
"Because this is the best way to carry him around," Ron replied enthusiastically. "I used to carry him around in my pocket, but he'd escape sometimes. This way, he's always out where I can see him."
"Also builds up your wand muscles," Sirius said approvingly. "Great idea, kid."
"That's right," Ron agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
Ginny was at home, having satisfied herself that there was nothing of interest in the ratty little traveling fair that had set up near her house when she noticed something odd on the mantle piece. It was an object she'd seen a thousand times, something she saw every day, but it had never really caught her attention before.
"What's this trophy, mum?" Ginny asked.
"That's the one I got for winning a belly flop contest when I was pregnant with Ron," Molly said with a nostalgic smile. "The prize was a years supply of cigarettes, whiskey, and hand lotion."
She laughed.
"Which were lifesavers, let me tell you. Being pregnant again with a house full of boys was so stressful that I smoked all the cigarettes and drank all the whiskey before Ron was born. Then, washing the baby made my hands dry out and I found a use for the lotion. Course, the lotion made my hands slippery too and I might have accidentally dropped little Ron on his head a few times."
"Only a few?" Ginny snarked.
"Dozen," Molly agreed. "Shame I ran out of lotion before you were born."
Ginny shivered in horror, getting a sudden image of herself as a female Ron.
IIIIIIIIII
Ron bounced over to a group of children with a wide grin on his face.
"Hey guys, check this out." Ron waved the stick, and the squeaking creature, around in a wide arc. "Larga Mingo!"
The rat on the end of his fake wand projectile vomited at the end of the ark causing Peter to wonder for the hundredth time why he hadn't just sucked it up and gone to Azkaban.
IIIIIIIIII
As he walked into the international portkey terminal, his little eyes focused on two twin girls his age and his mind went back to lesson one – how to lay a foundation, something his instructors had assured him he'd thank himself for later.
The boy pasted a charming smile on his face and walked over to introduce himself.
IIIIIIIIII
Sirius rubbed his hands together in eagerness as Remus laid out the next plan.
"So . . ."
"We slip the boy a couple sticks with permanent healing charms," Remus repeated himself. "Just doesn't seem right for poor Peter to have such a poor abused colon."
"Better to have him feel like the first time every time," Sirius agreed. "Any luck on the explosive castration hex?"
"No, we're just going to hope that she kept her research journals in her vault and to get into her vault we'll need . . ."
"Harry," Sirius agreed. "Slip the sticks and leave Peter in peace for a while?"
"In gods name why?" Remus demanded.
"My cousin liked to talk and she might have let slip the name of the bastard that set Voldemort on our brother," Sirius growled. "Imagine my surprise when I found out that it was our good friend Severus."
"I'm sure he's sorry for what he did," Remus mused.
"Best to be sure though," Sirius added.
"Best to leave nothing to chance," Remus agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
Snape winced as the foe glass he kept on his desk exploded and peppered him with shards of broken glass. Damned shoddy spellwork, he'd have words with the man he'd gotten it from if the object in question hadn't been a trophy brought back from a raid.
IIIIIIIIII
"Names have power," Arthur explained. "Take the Malfoys, they named their son Draco because they were hoping that he'd gain power and wealth like a dragon. I named you Ronald after a red headed muggle god of food. He has temples everywhere, you know them because of the holy symbol, a giant golden upside down 'W' and by the food they serve to all at reasonable prices."
AN: Might go back to this if I ever figure out a real story line, as it is, this is nothing more than a jumble of ideas.
Polish by dogbertcarroll
Ideas by Clell Harmon, Dave Gerecke