Disclaimer: Why don't you come with me little girl, on a magic carpet ride.
Conversations with Luna
Luna frowned when her owl returned with a very familiar envelope.
"Did you deliver it?" she asked.
The post owl gave a mournful 'hoot' as it returned her letter.
"I see." Luna stared at the owl for a few moments before coming to a decision. "Father, I'm off to rescue or avenge Harry Potter!" she yelled.
"Alright, cabbage, do you want me to set an extra place for dinner?" he called back.
"I believe that we'll be spending the remainder of the summer and possibly a bit of next year on the run!" Luna replied. "So I do not believe that we will be returning for dinner!"
"Alright, have fun!"
"If something happens to me, please remember to avenge my death!" Luna bellowed as she packed.
"I will, carrot, don't forget your killing knife!"
"Where is my pack filled with useful things, father!" Luna asked loudly.
"In the closet where you left it!" he replied.
Luna checked and her pack was indeed in the closet.
"Thank you, father, I shall see you when I see you!"
"Alright, rutabaga, I'll try to remember to henge your beth!"
IIIIIIIIII
Severus woke up and immediately wished that he hadn't. He was chained, stomach down to some sort of platform and it felt as if he had a rubber ball jammed in his mouth. Either he'd been outed as a spy or one of the other groups had captured him. Either way, he was in for a very uncomfortable end. A quick probe of the tongue confirmed his worst fears, the insurance policy he'd brewed up was gone, he was on his own, time to face his end like a man.
The door opened and one of his more worthless students walked into the room, causing him to stop sobbing like a seven year old girl.
"MMMMMPHH!"
"Good morning, Professor Snape," Luna said with a dazed grin. "Did you sleep well?"
"Mmph mmph mmph!" he tried to paste an appropriate glare on his face to cow the little bitch into releasing him. It might have worked if not for the tear tracks running down his cheeks.
"How wonderful," Luna cheered. "I do hope that you'll forgive me for not offering you any refreshments, but I'm afraid that time is of the essence and your little nap cost us too much of it for the usual pleasantries."
The girl walked back to the door and returned with a large donkey in tow.
"Professor Snape, I would like you to meet my friend, Mister Sodomy Donkey," Luna said, waving at the creature. "I'm sure you can guess what his job is based on his name, but I've found it best not to assume things. His job is to convince you to talk, either by my threatening to use or withhold his services depending on which way your preferences go. Do you understand, Professor Snape?"
"Mmmph," Snape growled.
"I'm not sure that was a yes," Luna mused. "Perhaps you'd like a demonstration before I ask any questions."
"MES MES MES!" Snape squealed through the gag as the donkey tried to mount him.
"Yes you'd like a demonstration or yes you understood?"
"My munder mood!" Snape said frantically.
"Wonderful," Luna giggled. "Mister Sodomy Donkey, I would like to introduce you to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's Potions Master, Severus Snape. He's the man that you're going to be doing uncomfortable things to if he doesn't answer my questions." Her smile lit up the room. "Now that everyone is acquainted, I think it best we begin."
She ripped the ball gag off Snape's mouth and waited for the man to stop gasping for breath.
"What do you want?" Snape wheezed.
"I wish for you to tell me the location of Harry Potter," Luna replied. "You see, he is my friend and his godfather just died and I really do not think it best for him to be alone. Sadly, others do not agree and have placed poor Harry beyond the reach of my post owl. You are here to help me determine if the inconsiderate individual with an unhealthy interest in young boys that is blocking my mail is a lemon drop fetishist or a closeted seersucker."
"What?" Snape asked dumbly.
The little blonde sighed in exasperation. "You are spying on Dumbledore for Voldemort and spying on Voldemort for Dumbledore. That means that you are ideally placed to answer my question since I only have to kidnap and torture one individual. If I did not select you, I would have been forced to kidnap someone from each side and that would have caused an unacceptable delay in my plans. Now answer my question. Where is Harry?"
"What makes you think I know?" Snape demanded, trying to stall for time.
"The fact that you did not seem aroused by the idea of being sodomized by a donkey makes me suspect that you'll tell me," Luna replied, ignoring the man's question. "If you do not answer the question in the next thirty seconds, you will be. If you do not know the answer, you will forever lose the knowledge of what your rectum feels like when it has not been penetrated by twenty inches of an aroused donkey's member. Do you understand?"
"I understand," Snape squeaked.
"Ten seconds," the girl prompted.
"Number Four Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey!" Snape bellowed.
"On to my next series of questions," Luna cheered. "They pertain to the guard schedule and the wards. I suggest that you hold nothing back or, rest assured, our friend, Mister Sodomy Donkey will hold nothing back."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry had been sitting in his room brooding about all the reasons that his life sucked, when he came across one of the few good things in it. Of course being a teenage boy with nothing to do and a private room it should really come as no surprise.
"Hello, Harry Potter," Luna said with a smile as she crawled through the window dressed as Indiana Jones in a short leather skirt. "How are you doing this summer?"
"Luna?" Harry exclaimed in shock as he quickly buttoned up his pants, wondering if his fantasies had crossed over into full blown hallucinations. "How did you find me?"
"I compelled Professor Snape to tell me your address," Luna replied. "We have fifteen minutes to leave if you wish to leave and fifteen minutes to visit if you wish to stay."
"We've got less time than that if Snape tells Dumbledore that you came to see me," Harry replied as he frantically packed the few things that mattered to him.
"Not to worry, Professor Snape will not be telling anyone what transpired between us. I left my donkey friend behind to guard him while I came here to speak with you," Luna replied in a tone that suggested she believed the matter was settled.
"Um . . ." Harry was unsure of what he was suppose to say to a girl he was currently dreaming about because obviously he'd fallen asleep while rubbing one out.
"I would suggest that you continue packing," Luna prompted. "And I would further suggest that you bring along any item or items that you ever wish to see again." The girl blushed. "I am afraid that I will be forced to do something a bit naughty to cover our tracks, you may feel free to spank me after we escape."
'Yep, definitely dreaming,' Harry decided.
IIIIIIIIII
The Aurors stacked on the door and took a deep breath. The Ministry had finally admitted that the Dark Lord had returned and their task was to take down a member of the bastard's inner circle. They'd gotten a tip that the man would be in the structure, satisfying his carnal urges with an unwilling victim. The grunts and squeals coming from the building indicated their informant had been telling the truth.
The leader of the assault team held up his hand, each finger spread. One by one, he dropped them until only one was left.
"Go go go!" he screamed.
"Aurors, everyone on the ground!" the point man screamed as he took the door. "You're all under a . . . shit, got him, boss, pants down too just like the snitch told us he would be."
The leader of the assault team glanced in and immediately wished he hadn't. "Tack on a charge of cruelty to animals, get that donkey off him, and get him back to headquarters. We'll dump the whole thing in Madame Bones' lap."
"It's Professor Snape," one of the other Aurors announced. "Isn't he supposed to be Dumbledore's spy?"
"He's gonna be in our custody long enough to make him talk no matter what happens," the leader replied.
"He's also never going to be allowed to teach again after this hits the papers," his second added. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a floo call to make. In a completely unrelated matter, the Prophet pays good money for gossip and drinks are on me."
"How much do they pay for photos?" another Auror asked, fingering his evidence camera.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry watched the flames consume his childhood home for a moment before saying the first thing that came to mind, "I'd say arson is more than a bit naughty."
"The sooner we complete our escape, the sooner you can properly chastise me with a good spanking, and we had better make our escape in the next thirty seconds if we wish to have any hope of success," Luna pointed out.
"Right, let's go."
"Grab my breasts!" Luna commanded.
"What?" Harry asked dumbly, hands already rising to obey.
"My bra is a portkey," Luna explained, proving once again the value of prior planning. "Hurry!"
"Right!" Harry's hands slipped under the girl's blouse and gave her a mighty grope. "Let's go!" And they disappeared with a pop.
The portkey brought them to a richly finished room with thick carpets and stone walls. Harry didn't have a chance to orient himself when he found himself pushed into a chair with a willing girl draped over his lap.
"And now," Luna said as she pulled up her skirt, revealing that she was sans panties. "You must deliver a spanking to punish me for my prior naughtiness."
"Hmmm?" Harry's eyes were locked upon the girl's bare behind admiring how detailed his imagination was. "Did you say something, Luna?"
"My spanking!" the girl said, a bit insistently.
"Right," Harry agreed, bringing his hand down.
"I am not made of glass, Harry." Luna looked up, a frown marring her face. "And I was quite naughty earlier, now if you would care to try again?"
"If I must, I must," Harry agreed, getting into the spirit of things. He brought his palm down again with much greater force resulting in a large smack and squeal. "It doesn't count unless you count," he said calmly, dredging up a bit of childhood unpleasantness. He brought his hand down again. 'I'm much kinkier in my dreams than I thought I was.'
"I am sorry, Harry. One!" Luna squealed. "Two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . ."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione awoke to find her nose pinched shut, a dainty hand covering her mouth, and an all too cheerful face grinning down at her.
"Good morning, Hermione." Luna released her grip on the other girl's nostrils.
Hermione was dragged into the world of the living to the sound of her friend's inappropriately cheerful voice.
"Luna?" Hermione groaned, she mumbled through the hand. "What are you doing here?"
"I need you to explain an idiom to me," Luna replied. "What exactly does the phrase, fight fire with fire, mean? One would not think that fire would be an appropriate thing to fight other fire with. Even leaving aside the fact that they would seem to be natural allies, one would suppose that water might be more effective." The girl paused. "Unless of course you're fighting a grease fire, but we're not, we're just speaking of a normal fire."
"It means to to use the same or similar methods to defeat your opponent," Hermione replied as she crawled out of bed and began throwing on clothes. "And the use of fire is an excellent way to fight other fires."
"Oh, how so?" Luna asked curiously.
"It's used to fight forest fires. You have a fire and you set smaller controlled fires around it to consume the fuel, when the two fires meet, the second fire has consumed all the fuel and the first fire goes out. Do you understand?"
"It's a bit like having dinner with Ronald?" Luna said slowly. "When you are alone, you may eat whatever you wish. When you are eating with Ronald, you need to try to eat your fill quickly and you must be careful of losing fingers."
"Exactly," Hermione agreed. "Now why did you see the need to ask me that at . . . five in the morning?"
"I was trying to decide if I should try to convince Harry to become a Dark Lord in order to defeat Voldemort," Luna replied.
"Harry's going to become a Dark Lord?" Hermione squawked.
"That remains to be seen," Luna said primly. "What I am doing is gathering the necessary information to allow him to make an informed decision."
"Have a seat, Luna, and tell me everything relevant to this conversation," Hermione ordered.
"I would rather not sit, thank you, Harry gave me a rather spirited spanking and my backside is feeling a bit sore at the moment." An obscene grin appeared on the girl's face as she relived past glories. "No, I don't believe sitting would be in my best interests for at least a few more hours."
"Why did Harry spank you?"
"Because I was quite naughty and deserved it." The girl seemed to enter a trance. "Do you think convincing him to be a Dark Lord would also be naughty?" Luna asked a touch hopefully. "What sort of spanking would that earn me?"
"Where is Harry now?" Hermione sighed. Lovegoods, why did it have to be Lovegoods?
"At a top secret location which I have sworn never to reveal the location of," Luna replied proudly.
"You are going to take me there and the three of us are going to sort this out," Hermione said firmly.
"Won't your parents be cross to find you missing?" Luna wasn't all too sure that she liked having the other girl along, an additional witch implied a corresponding hit to her Harry time.
"I'll just leave a note saying that I'm off to do some studying, they won't even notice I'm gone," Hermione said with a trace of bitterness.
"Hmmm?" Luna stared at the other girl. This was not at all how she pictured family life, not even after growing up with an absent minded father that allowed his daughter all together too much leeway.
"They made a list of things successful couples have before they got married, I'm here so they can cross something off it," Hermione explained. She jotted down a quick note and taped it to her pillow. She wondered how many days it would take them to notice her missing this time, or if they ever would. "Let's go, Luna."
"You aren't going to pack first?" Luna asked, more than a touch put out that she wasn't going to be able to convince the other girl not to infringe upon her Harry time.
"Enchanted pockets, enchanted purse, enchanted pack, and the fact that I'm known by name to people that wish to kill me to annoy Harry combine into being ready to leave at a moment's notice. Now let's go, Luna." The sooner she got to Harry, the sooner she could speak with someone sane and get this whole mess sorted out.
"Alright," Luna agreed. "Grab my breasts!"
"What?" Hermione asked flatly.
"My bra is a portkey," Luna explained.
"That's . . . actually sort of brilliant," Hermione admitted. You were always in contact with it, it was out of sight, and it was unusual enough to escape most cursory searches.
"I know," Luna agreed. It gave her the perfect excuse to have Harry grope her. "Let's go."
"Alright, Luna." She gingerly slipped her hands under the other girl's blouse. "Ready when you are."
The two girls experienced the feeling of being pushed out the universe's sphincter and arrived in Luna's carefully chosen safe house.
Hermione got an odd look on her face when she noticed one of the paintings. "We can't be in the Malf. . . ."
"Shhhhh," Luna shushed the other girl. "Best keep our secret location a secret . . . even from us."
"Whatever you say, Luna," Hermione agreed. There was no way they were where she'd thought they were anyway, it simply wasn't probable.
"Come along," Luna grabbed the older girl by the wrist and strolled down a dozen halls before coming to stop before a large imposing oak door.
"Is Harry in there?"
"He is. Promise me something before you speak with him," Luna asked with an intensity that was a bit frightening.
"What is it?" Hermione stalled.
"Harry is under the impression that he is dreaming, I would prefer it if you did nothing to debase him of that idea," Luna explained, she'd much rather he be debasing her. "He seems much happier without the weight of the world on his shoulders."
"And you want him to be has happy as possible." Hermione let out a slow breath, not noticing her friend's mistake. "I won't lie to Harry, but I also won't try to convince him that he's not dreaming. Good enough?"
"For me, for now," Luna agreed. "Come, Harry is waiting."
IIIIIIIIII
Amelia glared at her underling, hoping that the man would break and flee her office, taking the problem with him.
"I need an answer, boss," the man said nervously.
"Paper."
"Paper . . . of course, that's so much better than plastic. You've done it again, boss."
IIIIIIIIII
Luna was still glaring at Hermione as the two girls filed out of Harry's room.
"I hadn't realized you were the type to enjoy a spanking, Hermione." Luna's eyes were filled with jealousy. That spanking should have been hers!
"I'm not," Hermione admitted, rubbing feeling back into her abused rump.
"Then why did you allow it to happen?" Luna demanded. Not only had the other girl stolen her spanking, but she didn't even appreciate it?
"The spanking, I didn't enjoy all that much for the sake of it, Harry ordering me on his lap and making me count..." The girl shuddered. "Bliss."
"You enjoy being told what to do?" Luna asked in confusion, what were rules but a list of things to ignore, what were orders but more of the same in verbal form?
"I do," Hermione agreed. "People are different, you like getting spanked . . ."
"By Harry," Luna interjected.
"By Harry," Hermione amended. "I enjoy being told what to do . . . by Harry," she admitted.
"It seems we have a problem, Hermione," Luna sighed.
"I would suggest dumping it in Harry's lap and letting him fing.. err, figurethings out," Hermione replied.
"You're just hoping he'll order you do do something smutty," Luna grumbled.
"He might spank us as punishment for not resolving this ourselves," Hermione pointed out.
"And all of the sudden, this doesn't sound like a bad plan at all. For spankings!" Luna cheered.
IIIIIIIIII
Albus glanced at the magical instruments on his shelf that monitored the wards around Harry's home.
"I wonder what catching on fire indicates other than . . ." He shot his familiar a suspicious look. "Have you been playing with matches again, Fawkes?"
"Chirp?" The phoenix shot the old man an innocent look.
"You see, this is exactly why I don't let you have gun powder anymore."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry wrapped an arm around each girl and stared deeply into their eyes.
"What does this mean, in small words this time, Hermione?" Harry asked.
"Think of us as an angel and a devil, sitting on your shoulders," Hermione advised. "But rather than good and evil, we represent order and chaos. I enjoy submitting to your will and obeying your every command, Luna enjoys-"
"Campfires, forest fires, arson, and being spanked," Luna said, draping herself across his lap. "And it's really been too long since I've had one."
IIIIIIIIII
Amelia pinched the bridge of her nose. Why oh why couldn't these idiots have taken care of things themselves rather than bringing it to her?
"What do you want us to do, boss?" Auror number five asked.
"The papers have already gotten a hold of the story?"
"Yes, boss," the Auror agreed.
"Pictures too?"
"Yes, boss."
"Then you're using whatever you got for giving them the story to buy a new coffee maker for the break room, you can keep whatever is left for yourself," Amelia replied.
"How'd you know we sold the story, boss?"
"I know you were paying for a new coffee maker either way as punishment for dumping this into my lap," Amelia shot back.
"We already bought three boxes of doughnuts with the proceeds, boss."
"God help you if all the ones with chocolate sprinkles have been eaten by the time I get to them," Amelia growled.
"Saved a box for you, boss," the Auror said nervously, handing her the doughnuts.
"Wonderful," Amelia purred, her precious.
"What do you want us to do about Snape, boss?"
"Do what about who now?" Amelia's face was covered in crumbs. "Toss him in a dark dank cell and forget about him until someone comes to get him."
"And if someone comes to get him?" the Auror prompted.
"Be sure his bail is set high enough that we can remodel the lounge," she said with a wave as she set upon her third doughnut.
"If no one comes to get him, boss?"
"If no one comes to get him, he's in a cell rotting. He's in a cell rotting, he's not my problem."
"Understood, boss."
IIIIIIIIII
Snape groaned and looked around his damp, dark cell. From one, even darker corner, several eyes on tentacle-like stalks looked at him.
"Go away," Snape muttered. "That was last story!"
The tentacle monster conveyed sadness with its eyes, but disappeared.
IIIIIIIIII
Luna carefully put down the tray holding her, Harry's, and Hermione's breakfasts and stepped into the shadows. She'd spotted one of her targets. All that remained now was the capture and torture, a simple thing for a girl of her skills.
The unbalanced Lovegood pulled a bottle of chloroform out of her pocket and carefully soaked her handkerchief. In the chloroform, not the tea, she wasn't going to make that mistake again, not after the embarrassment she'd suffered at her cousin's last birthday party.
"Good morning, Uncle Lucius," she chirped, right before jamming the drug soaked rag into the man's face... or she would have if she'd been about six inches taller.
"Would you like me to bend down a bit, Luna?" Lucius asked, taking a sip of his morning tea. "You seem to be having trouble reaching."
"Yes please. Thank you, Uncle Lucius," Luna agreed.
Lucius took a deep breath and frowned. "Would you mind upping the dose a bit, Luna? I'm afraid this isn't doing much for me."
"I am sorry, Uncle Lucius. I must have forgotten how worldly you were."
"We all make mistakes, Luna."
She dumped half the bottle into the rag and held it up for the man's inspection.
"Much better," he murmured, holding it close to his face and taking in a deep breath. "Thank you, Luna, what a wonderful way to start the . . ."
She stepped out of the way to avoid the falling body. "You are very welcome, Uncle Lucius."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione's heart was racing when she rushed into Harry's impromptu throne room and gave a deep bow.
"You called for me, Harry?" she gasped.
"I need you to answer a question for me," Harry agreed. "And I need you to be honest."
"As you command, Harry." A shudder racked her frame. "I shall be as honest as possible."
"This isn't a dream, is it?" Harry asked. The boy looked like he was on the verge of panicking.
"I don't know," Hermione admitted. "I don't believe that I'm a figment of your imagination, but would I know if I was? You just have to ask yourself if Luna and I would act like this in real life, would we?"
"On your knees!" Harry growled, assured that it was all just a dream.
"As you command," Hermione gasped, her body shuddering in pleasure. "What do you want me to do now?"
"I'm sure you can figure it out," Harry laughed. "But if you can't, I'm prepared to instruct you in excruciating detail."
"Please do," Hermione begged. "Command me, instruct me, order me, please, Harry."
IIIIIIIIII
Lucius awoke from his chloroform induced slump to find that he'd been stripped naked, gagged, and tied spread eagle to a saw horse. Was it Wednesday already?
"Good afternoon, Uncle Lucius," Luna said with a bright smile. "How are you doing today?"
"Mmmph," the man grunted through his ball gag.
"Oh, I'm so sorry." The girl blushed a deep red. "Would you care for some refreshments?"
"Mes."
"What would you like?" Luna removed the ball gag for the reply.
"You don't happen to have any scotch, do you?" he asked.
"I am afraid that Harry has been a Dark Lord for a short amount of time, and I have only a limited number of things that I can offer."
"No scotch?"
"Only blends," Luna sighed. "I am sorry, Uncle Lucius, but we have a very low budget and our prior prisoner had execrable tastes."
"Severus?"
"I am afraid so, Uncle Lucius. Please understand that we did not expect to capture you so soon and . . ." the girl trailed off.
"It's alright, Luna," he assured the girl. "I understand all about targets of opportunity. Why don't we move on to the torture?"
"Right," Luna said brightly. "I believe that you know my friend, Mister Sodomy Donkey."
"We've spent many a happy hour together," Lucius sighed in remembrance.
"And I am offering a couple more if you would be willing to share a bit of information," Luna said proudly.
"What would you like to know?"
"For starters, what do you think Aunt Narcissa would like for her birthday?"
"I would suggest getting her some rare flower seeds, she's recently gotten back into gardening, failing that I would suggest getting her a rare plant or a rare tome on gardening." Or a bit of time with Romeo their 'gardener,' a smile appeared on Lucius' face, ah Romeo, such a glorious name, so skilled with his tool, proof positive that not all muggles were bad.
"Thank you, Uncle Lucius."
"Not at all, Luna, was there anything else you wanted to know?" he shot the Sodomy Donkey a lust filled look.
"I have a list, but I could leave you two alone and ask the questions later if you'd like," Luna offered.
"Business before pleasure," Lucius sighed. "What's your first question?"
IIIIIIIIII
Amelia's headache got worse when someone knocked on her door.
"What is it?" she called out.
"We were having an argument on what sort of coffee maker we should get, Madame Bones," the Auror explained.
"Bob wants an expresso maker, Jim wants a french press, Joe wants a percolator, and Frank wants instant."
"Find an expresso maker that gives reasonable servings and have Frank flogged," Amelia ordered.
"What is a reasonable sized serving, boss?"
Amelia reached into her desk and pulled out her two quart mug. "That constitutes a reasonable sized serving." Along with a handful of headache meds and a couple shots of whiskey.
"Got it, boss."
"Was that all?" Amelia asked hopefully. And was it too much to ask for underlings to show a bit of initiative?
"We also need to know what shop to buy the beans, what color the machine should be, what sort of beans we should get, and what sort of machine we should get."
"Do you need me to have a field trip to the store so we can pick one out together?" Amelia asked sarcastically.
"That'd be great, boss." The Auror stuck his head out the door. "Hey Everyone, Field Trip!"
The mighty cheer that greeted that announcement caused Amelia to sink into a deeper pit of despair.
"Damn it," Amelia groaned. Why couldn't she have chosen a different career?
IIIIIIIIII
Good afternoon, Aunt Narcissa," Luna said politely.
"Luna, I'd heard you were staying at the manor," Narcissa said with a smile. "How are the house elves treating you?"
"The service has been excellent and thank you for allowing us to use the guest house as our dark hideout, Aunt Narcissa," Luna replied.
"Have you seen your Uncle Lucius today? There were some errands I wanted him to run for me."
"I kidnapped him for a round of interrogation and torture earlier today, Aunt Narcissa, I am sorry, I would have waited had I known that you wished him to do something for you," Luna said in remorse.
"Where is he now?"
"With Mister Sodomy Donkey."
"Which means we won't see him for hours," Narcissa sighed. "I suppose I can have those politicians bribed tomorrow."
"I could do it for you if you like, Aunt Narcissa," Luna volunteered.
"That's quite alright, darling, I wouldn't want to annoy your Dark Lord by having you conduct work on someone else's behalf." Narcissa paused. "Speaking of Dark Lords."
"Yes?"
"Have your Uncle Lucius or Cousin Draco teased you about servicing a half-blood?" Narcissa asked.
"No, Aunt Narcissa," Luna replied.
"Good, if they do, remind them that they're doing the same with that half-blood Voldewerk chap they hang around with," Narcissa said. "And then point out that at least Harry had two magical parents, neither of whom was an inbred monster. Well at least his mother wasn't, James made far too many fart jokes to be considered normal."
"I will, Aunt Narcissa, and I believe that he refers to himself as Voldemort," Luna corrected.
"Voldewank, Voldewitch, Voldewhatever," Narcissa sniffed. "Just come to me if you get teased and I'll sort it out."
"I will, Aunt Narcissa, thank you."
"Now what was it you wanted to meet with me about?" Narcissa asked. "I'm sure it wasn't to talk about my problems or your new toy."
"I came to wish you a happy birthday, Aunt Narcissa," Luna replied.
"That's something you rather wish to avoid being reminded of when you get to be my age, Luna, dear," Narcissa sighed.
"It's not every day a witch turns twenty six, Aunt Narcissa," Luna chirped. "I got you a present."
"What did you get me?" Narcissa asked, a smile tugging the corner of her mouth. There was a reason Luna was her favorite niece.
Luna shyly handed a paper packet of seeds to the older woman. Then sighed in relief when her aunt glanced into the package and emitted a girlish squeal.
"Thank you, Luna," Narcissa said with a smile, clutching the seed packet to her chest. "I've been looking for a North American Red Flame to add to my greenhouse for ages."
"Thank Harry, Aunt Narcissa, I was able to persuade him to use his influence to convince the importer to allow us to purchase it at a reasonable price."
*Flash Back*
"How much did you say those seeds were again?" Harry asked calmly as he beheaded another garden gnome with a sledge hammer, before looking at the man thoughtfully, enjoying playing the thug in his increasingly fun though strange dream.
"F-free!" the man squealed. "Free of course! Got loads too many of them!"
*End Flash Back*
"What did you have to promise in return?" Narcissa asked eagerly. "Details, Luna, details."
"I had to agree to force Cousin Draco to eat a handful of potting soil," Luna replied.
"That's it?" Narcissa seemed to droop in disappointment.
"That's all I had to promise for the favor," Luna corrected. "The smutty details are things I do as a matter of course."
"Doodle." Narcissa clapped her hands. "Tea for us and a large handful of potting soil for my son. Make sure he eats every last bit of it."
"Yes, Mistress Narcissy," the house elf squeaked.
"About these smutty details," Narcissa prompted. "Spare me none of them!"
IIIIIIIIII
Fawkes was doing his best to ignore Dumbledore, something that was becoming more and more difficult as the old man resorted to more extreme measures to get the bird's attention.
"Chirp?" Fawkes sighed.
"Do you know what I just learned, Fawkes?" Dumbledore asked in a too calm voice.
"Chirp chirp chirp?"
"No I did not learn how to suck my own . . . no, I learned that some miscreant set Harry's house on fire. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you, Fawkes?" the old man growled.
"Chirp chirp?"
"I'm asking you because you were the one that set my house on fire, and my office, and my beard, and the Ministry building."
"Chirp chirp chirp!"
"I'm not accusing you of anything, I merely thought that you might have a greater insight that . . ." Dumbledore back peddled.
"Chirp!" the bird interrupted. "Chirp chirp chirp, CHIRP!" and disappeared in a ball of flame, flame that ignited a stack of books that had been placed much too close to the phoenix's perch.
IIIIIIIIII
Luna watched as Hermione waddled up to the couch and eyed it for a moment before laying on her stomach with a book.
"Did you displease Harry and get a spanking?" Luna asked. "If so, what did you do so that I might get my spanking?"
"Harry wanted to try something new so after the spanking, he ordered me to grab my ankles and . . . . well, you'll see, he liked it and you're next," Hermione said with a grin. "His eyes were so cold when he ordered me to . . ." She shuddered. "And his voice was so firm and then he grabbed my hair and . . ." Another shudder racked her slender frame.
The conversation cut off when a bird appeared in a great ball of fire.
"Chirp!"
"Hello, Fawkes," Luna greeted the bird. "I trust that Dumbledore's devices are not in any condition to track Harry?"
"Chirp," the bird agreed.
"Wonderful." Luna rubbed her hands together. "Your payment is waiting in the agreed upon place."
"Chirp," the phoenix said happily.
"You are most welcome. Do you mind my asking what you're planning to do with all that gunpowder?"
"Chirp chirp chirp."
"Do you mind giving father notice to set up his camera at a safe place to record your triumph over the tyranny of the Wizengamot?"
"Chirp chirp chirp, chirp! Chirp chirp chirp! Chirp chirp?"
"How passionate," Luna giggled. "And I am quite sure that I will have other odd jobs for you which will give you a chance to earn a better boom."
"Chirp."
"I trust that you're using black powder?" Hermione interjected. "I think I read somewhere that modern smokeless doesn't explode so much as burn really really fast so I don't think it would work for what I think you want it for."
"Chrip chrip chirp?"
"Of course I gave you black powder," Luna assured the bird.
"Chirp?"
"Any reason you're not using other, more powerful, explosives?" Hermione asked.
"Chirp," Fawkes said with an upraised beak.
"Yes, tradition," Luna agreed. "There's also the fact that black powder is much easier to manufacture."
"Chirp."
"Goodbye." Luna turned back to the other girl. "So you were saying about Harry wanting to try something new?"
"Best to experience it for yourself," Hermione replied.
"Alright, Hermione," Luna agreed. "Do you believe that he will be sufficiently recovered for me to have my turn now?"
"Should be," Hermione agreed.
"Then I shall see you soon unless you would like to watch?"
"I would like Harry to order me to watch," Hermione said, a bit of drool escaping from the corner of her mouth. "That would be oh so naughty."
"And we all know what happens to naughty girls," Harry's voice echoed. "Hermione, come here now!"
"Yes, Harry!" the girl squealed.
IIIIIIIIII
After a too long field trip, Amelia retreated to the safety of her office with her two liter coffee mug half full of coffee. Another knock on the door caused her to put the bottle back into her desk, she'd top the mug off when she was alone.
"What is it?" she bellowed.
"Healer report on Snape, Madame Bones," the lacky replied. "Guy was suffering from a perforated colon, several broken bones, bad teeth . . ."
"Whatever," Amelia belched. "Skip to the part that I need to care about?"
"Treatment took five hundred galleons out of our budget."
"Who ordered him treated?" Amelia demanded. "Damn it, add the price of the treatment to his bail amount plus ten percent . . . fifty galleons," she added after seeing her Auror's blank look. "Make that an even hundred for our trouble which would bring the total up to . . . . six hundred galleons extra," she sighed. "Was that all?"
"Yes, boss."
"Good, now get out!" She barely managed to wait until the man was gone before pulling out her whiskey. She didn't know how she'd get through the day without it.
IIIIIIIIII
Lucius looked up as his favorite niece waddled back in to release him.
"Finished already?" he asked in disappointment.
"I am quite willing to let you enjoy Mr. Sodomy donkey's services at a later date if you would be willing to give me your parole," Luna replied. "Oh, and Aunt Narcissa needs you to bribe some politicians for her."
"I'll be back tomorrow after I finish with those politicians," Lucius promised. "Enjoying your time with your new dark lord?"
"Oh my yes, Uncle Lucius, only . . ."
"Yes?" he prompted.
"I would like you to, if you don't mind, give him a few tips on proper buggery," Luna replied.
"How to do or how to get?"
"Do, please, and get for Hermione and me." Luna blushed. "I did not know who else to ask, Uncle Lucius."
"It's alright, Luna." He frowned. "Isn't Hermione the girl that's constantly bettering Draco in academics?"
"Nearly all the girls at Hogwarts are constantly bettering cousin Draco in academics, Uncle Lucius," Luna replied.
"But she's the one he complains about," Lucius sighed. "He was so looking forward to murdering her. Guess now he won't get the chance, what with her being under the protection of your dark lord, pity."
"I seriously doubt that Cousin Draco is technically competent to murder anyone, let alone someone that constantly achieves better than he does in every area save cosmetic charms."
"True. Perils of inbreeding, I suppose."
IIIIIIIIII
Amelia stumbled home, more than a bit sloshed and passed out on the dining room table.
"Is she gonna keep doing that, mum?" Ron asked, staring at the woman who'd interrupted their evening meal.
"Just ignore her," Molly ordered, placing her casserole on the woman's back. "She'll wake up and realize that she's in the wrong house in a few hours."
Who could you call when the nation's chief law enforcement officer had a habit of breaking into your house and passing out on your dinner table? At least it only happened every week or two. Molly didn't know if she'd be able to handle it if it was a nightly thing.
Blissfully unaware of what was going on around her, Amelia snored in peace.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry was sitting on his throne, using the shivering and scantily clad Hermione as his footstool when the door swung open to admit one of his soon to be dead foes.
"Prepare to die, Lucy," Harry growled, drawing his wand.
"Afraid we'll have to postpone that," Lucius said with a grin. "For one thing, I'm on parole."
"What?"
"It's when someone is your prisoner and you let them out if they promise to be good," Hermione explained.
"Did I order you to talk?" Harry demanded.
"No, Harry," Hermione replied, squeezing her thighs together and shivering.
"Stand up," he ordered. "Feet shoulder width apart, and bend over."
"Perhaps you'd like me to come back at a later time?" Lucius asked with a raised eyebrow. Not that he minded the show, but he preferred paid professionals.
"Sorry." Harry blushed. "What did you want?"
"Luna asked me to give you a few tips on buggery," Lucius explained.
IIIIIIIIII
Dressed in a tan trench coat, grey fedora, black sunglasses, and with a stepping stool under her left arm. Luna cut a less than imposing figure as she snuck through the scum filled alley ways of wizarding London.
Eyes narrowing as she found her target, the girl cleared her throat.
"Whadda want?" Dumbledore's pet thief demanded.
"I'm told you have pictures of Harry Potter naked for sale?" Luna whispered.
"Yep," the drunk agreed. "Can also get hairs for polyjuice so you can have your own rendezvous with the boy-who-lived, twenty galleons each for the photos and fifty per hair. You got the money?"
In response, Luna held up a leather sack, fat with gold galleons. "I want to inspect the merchandise first," she said.
"Here." Dung handed the girl a small stack of photos.
"These do appear to be naked pictures of Harry," Luna agreed, putting down her step stool.
"We have a deal?" Dung demanded.
"One moment." Luna stepped up on the stool so that she could look the man in the eye. "First, I would like to know if that large imposing Auror behind you is one of your confederates."
"Confedawhats?" The man's eyes widened in alarm. "Auror?" He spun around.
"Thank you for making this so easy," Luna said as she swung the heavy leather bag into the back of the man's head, causing it to make a satisfying 'thunk' sound.
"Hmmm." She looked down at the man, he appeared to be breathing which implied that he'd be more than happy to answer a few rounds of questions. Mister Sodomy Donkey's schedule was already booked which meant she was going to have to find another way to make the man talk.
A woman's work was never done.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry copied down the last bit of Lucius' advice with a happy grin. This had to be the best, and oddest, dream he'd ever had.
"Got everything?" Lucius asked.
"Yes, thank you, Lucius," Harry agreed.
"Wonderful, don't hesitate to call if you need any other pointers," the man said.
"I won't."
"Now, I did this as a favor to my niece so you don't technically owe me anything, but I was hoping that you'd be grateful enough for my advice to grant me a boon?" Lucius asked hopefully.
"Hermione, translate!" Harry ordered.
"He's hoping that you'll do him a favor even though you don't have to," Hermione explained quickly.
"Depends on the favor," Harry said.
"Luna's promised me another interrogation tomorrow, I was hoping you'd be willing to use your influence to get me another one later this week," Lucius said.
"Sure," Harry agreed. "Now if you'll excuse us, we have things we need to do."
"Of course," Lucius chuckled. "You kids have fun."
"Now then," Harry said, eyes cold. "I believe I had a punishment for you. Assume the position."
"Could you be more specific, please, Harry?" Hermione gasped.
"Feet shoulder width apart, arms out, head up." He grinned. "Now bend over and grab your ankles."
IIIIIIIIII
Dung awoke with a pounding headache and a horrid taste in his mouth, not exactly a new experience. What was a new experience was the fact that he was tied to a saw horse.
"Good morning," the familiar voice of last night's customer said cheerfully. "I trust you slept well? Not many men don't after being clouted in the back of the head by a bag full of galleons."
"What are you going to do to me?" Dung groaned.
"Well, normally I would bring in Mister Sodomy Donkey to give you a good seeing to," Luna replied.
"Mister Sodomy Donkey?" Dung squeaked. He did not like the sound of that one bit.
"Yes, unfortunately, I am afraid that Mr. Sodomy Donkey is off playing with Uncle Lucius at the moment, so I don't have him available to help with the interrogation." Thanks to her uncle's request via Harry, they'd be at it all day tomorrow too. Being a dark minion was hard.
"Thank god . . ."
"Which is why I engaged the services of my new friend, Mister Buggery Bull," Luna continued cheerfully. "Say hello, Mr. Buggery Bull."
"Moo!"
"I'll talk, I'll talk!" Dung squealed. "I'll do anything you want!"
"Want?" Luna scratched her chin. "I don't believe you know anything I wish to know or have anything I wish to have. I brought you here because an alley way was not the proper forum to express my displeasure at your sale of Harry Potter pornography to people other than me."
"I'll make you my sole customer," Dung offered.
"I'm afraid that I'm going to have to decline. You see, the real thing and being your sole customer would not mean that you did not have previous customers which, as I explained, is at the root of my annoyance with you."
"I can get you through the security at Dumbledore's hide out," Dung said quickly. "There's a paper in the lining of my coat that tells the location and lists all the defenses, written by the Headmaster himself."
"Hmmmm." Luna cut out the lining of the man's coat to reveal that he was telling the truth. "So you can."
"So you'll let me go?" Dung asked hopefully.
"So I'll give you some privacy," Luna chirped. "He's all yours, Mr. Buggery Bull."
"MOOOOOOOO!" The beast's tongue lolled out of the side of his mouth as his eyes lit up with unholy lust.
Luna walked out of the room, marveling at the way the sound proofing completely dampened the sounds of the man screaming. Time to send in another anonymous tip, she checked the clock, later. The stamina potions she'd fed her new friend wouldn't wear off for another twelve hours, it'd be a shame to waste them.
Whistling a happy tune, Luna skipped back to the Malfoy guest house for her morning union with Harry.
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore looked around the secret headquarters of the secret Order of the secret Phoenix with a confused frown. There seemed to be something different about the place, now if he could only figure out what.
The old man walked over to his chair and sat down to have a think about it and promptly fell to the floor due at least in part to the fact that neither his chair nor the table was in the room.
"Someone must have taken everything in the house out to be cleaned," the Headmaster said to himself. He tried to get up. "Is anyone out there?" he called out. "I've fallen and I can't get up."
IIIIIIIIII
Luna carefully put on her domino mask before grabbing a pinch of floo powder and tossing it into the fire.
"Magical Law Enforcement, Auror Department."
"This is Auror Ross, what can I do for you on this lovely afternoon?"
"It's me again, the anonymous informer," Luna chirped.
"Ah, got information for us?" the Auror asked eagerly.
"Yes, I've got another criminal to inform upon. He's in the same place as last time," Luna reported.
"Another Death Eater?"
"A thief, peeping tom, pornographer, and all around nasty individual." Luna grinned. "Simply tell him that if he does not confess to a number of crimes, that you will have no reason to remove him from his current predicament and I am sure that he will be happy to give you all the details you could hope for."
AN: Just trying to clean my HD up a bit by posting some of these half written fics.
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Typo by Sheya
Beta by: dogbertcarroll
Brutal grammar war conducted by Larry Fontenot
Typos by fribergken, Ordieth, Ronnie McMains II, Torrey Jones
Scenes by meteoricshipyards
Unused idea by Donald Engelmann
And when mr. Buggery Bull is busy luna can bring in Mr. Erectile Elephantand Mr. Gallavanting Giraffe to help out...
Omake by canoncansodoff
"Luna?"
"Yes, Hermione?"
"I want to apologize for being cross with you earlier today."
"Oh, okay."
"Because after I thought about it for a little while, it makes perfect sense."
"What does?"
"The fact that you've charmed your bra to act as an emergency portkey."
"Erm...okay."
"A brilliant idea, actually...I mean, to make a portkey out of something unexpected."
"Unexpected?"
"Yes, certainly. You wouldn't expect needing to grope somebody's breasts to activate a portkey, would you?"
"You wouldn't?"
"No, you wouldn't. And while there are spells designed to take a wizard's wand away from them, there isn't a comparable spell to strip off a witch's bra, right?"
"Not as far as you know."
"So it might be overlooked."
"Unless it's Susan's bra, of course," said Luna.
Hermione giggled. "Point taken."
"So will you do mine, too, please?" asked Hermione. "Just to be safe?"
"Okay," said Luna. "You'll need to take off your shirt, though."
"Fair enough."
...
"Luna?"
"Yes, Hermione?"
"Does the wand movement for the Portus spell really involve rubbing small circles around each of my nipples?"
"Only when your nipples are covered with a bra cup."
"Erm...okay. So what about Harry?"
"You want me to charm Harry's brassiere?"
"No, silly...his boxer shorts."
"Oh, no worries. Did that already."
...
"Well, that was a lovely dinner," said Hermione, later that night.
"It was, wasn't it?" asked Harry. "Ready to head back?"
Luna nodded as she reached out and grabbed Hermione's shirt covered breasts.
"I'm ready."
"Luna?"
"Yes, Hermione?"
"Is there a reason why you are fondling my breasts instead of yours?"
"Yes."
"And that reason is...?"
"Because it's time to head back?" asked Luna.
"But we each have our own emergency portkeys now."
"Yes, we do."
"So why aren't you using yours?"
"Is there an emergency?" Luna asked.
Hermione chewed on her lower lip for a moment. The she shrugged, reached out, and stuffed her hand down the front of Harry's trousers.
"Hermione?"
"Yes, Harry?"
"Why do you have your hand down my pants?"
"Because it's time to go back, and it's not an emergency, so I shouldn't use my own emergency portkey."
"Oh...so, Hermione?"
"Yes, Harry?"
"Why grab hold of the inside of my shorts?"
"That's the part that Luna charmed, isn't it?"
"Well, yes it is, actually, but...did she tell you that, or was it a lucky guess?"
"Harry, this is Luna we're talking about."
"Oh, right. Never mind."
"Harry?"
"Yes, Luna?"
"You did want to head back, didn't you?"
Harry snorted, then nodded and reached across the table to cup Luna's breasts.
"Activate on three, then?" he asked.
Luna frowned. "How about forty-two?"
"Erm...Hermione, what do you think?"
The Muggleborn witch waggled her eyebrows as she gave Harry a firm squeeze.
"Oh, alright...as long as we count slow."
Omake by Veive
'I'm afraid I may not be able to answer miss lovegood.'
'Hmm' Luna said absently as she took her wand from behind her ear and stared at it intently for a moment. 'Engorgio' she said after a moment she as she flicked her wand at the donkey.
Snape glanced over his shoulder and began to sneer as the beast remained the same size, until he noticed that the charm had indeed worked, just not on the whole donkey.
The donkey started staring at Luna very intently and braying after a few moments.
'We'll be back in a few moments, professor.' Luna said dreamily. 'Sodomy Donkey gets excited when I do that.'
She led the donkey out of the room. 'What is it Neville?' She asked.
'Are you sure there isn't another way?' Neville asked as he lifted the hood on the enchanted donkey suit.
Luna stared at a spot three feet behind his left eyebrow.
'... right, did you have to use that charm on me? This suit's tight enough as it is!'
'Neville, I'm doing this because I think Harry is being held against his will. Harry is my friend and I'm going to do whatever it takes to save him.'
'Right then.' Neville sighed. 'For Harry.' He said as he lowered the hood again.
They turned and really entered the room where snape was still strapped down.
'Mundigus Fletcher is on wathc and there are no security wards!' Snape cried as they re entered the room.
'There are mail and monitoring wards but nothing to prevent anyone from
coming or going.' Sweat lined his face as he stared at Neville the sodomy donkey, who stared stoically back.
'There were protective blood wards when Harry was placed there, but they collapsed years ago! That's all I know, I swear!'
Neville the sodomy donkey snorted and took a step forward.
'Please, have mercy!' Snape sobbed.
'Watch him, sodomy donkey.' Luna said frostily. 'If he tries to get away or I don't come back with Harry, you know what to do.'
Omake by tumshie
"Luna, where did you get a donkey that was into Sodomy?" Hermione asked and Harry was glad she'd expressed what he was thinking.
"I took a leaf out of Grampa Mad-eye's book." she replied, I transfigured Draco.
Omake by Stick97
When Harry asks about Snape:
"Oh, we all came to an agreement. He agreed to keep his schedule quite filled for the foreseeable future and to avoid Dumbledore or escaping." Replied luna.
"And if he doesn't?" Questioned Harry.
"Then he will find his colon filled with 18 inches of Sodomy Donkey's penis in the immediate future" Explained luna.
Harry blinked, shook his head and continued packing.
Omake by Duraiken
(Very much liking the way this is coming together. Had a thought earlier, have a snippet of omake ready. Hope you enjoy. Takes place after Harry finds out Luna tortured Snape.)
"You know Luna, I think you've fulfilled a long held fantasy held by all the students of Hogwarts and at least a few of the teachers."
"Do you mean convincing you to tightly grab my breasts and give good grope when
you activated my portkey?"
"... I sincerely hope not. That would things about the male population of Hogwarts thAt I really don't want to think about. I was referring to torturing Snape."
"Oh, was that all?"
Omake by slickrcbd
"It was over. The Dark Lord and the Pureblood Supremicists were all dead or powerless, having been defeated by incredible, never before seen feats of magic by Harry Potter, who was hailed as the greatest mage since Merlin, and possibly surpassing him. He was widely reputed to do 6 impossible things before breakfast, at least things impossible for anyone else under what they had believed the laws of magic to be. It was almost like whatever he dreamed was possible, became possible.
The Ministry and its bigoted, outdated ways had been overthrown, and Harry was being crowned King Harry the First, king of all magicals. He took his place on his thrown, with his wives, Hermione Potter and Luna Black, with his kinky submissive mistress/slave Ginny chained at his feat in a Princess Leia slave girl outfit. (
/gamers/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Star-Wars-Jabba-the-H\
utt_ )
After bring crowned King of all magicals, Harry was left alone with his wives and mistress. Turning to Hermione, he said "Hermione, this is the best dream ever. I'm just afraid of what happens when I wake up and have to go back to living under Dumbledore's thumb and worrying about Voldemort in the real world. I wish I could remain in this dream with you, Luna, and Ginny forever".
Afterwards, Harry excused himself to visit the "little king's room", when Hermione said to the others "He still thinks it's a dream. How do we convince him it's reality now? He'd never believe it. I don't believe it. Part of me thinks I'm the one whose dreaming". Ginny could only agree.
Luna smiled dreamlily and said "It just goes to show that if you believe in yourself and set your mind to it, anything is possible.
Especially if you're magical and are willing to truly believe that anything is possible, your magic can make it so."
Additional omake by: Dogbertcarroll
"Voldemort!" Harry snarled, drawing his wand.
"Morning, Harry," Voldemort replied cheerfully. "Sorry this isn't a social call for our usual battle or taunts, as is proper between two dark lords. No, I was just wondering if you could answer a question or two for me and then I'll be out of your hair so you can go back to having your minions service you."
Harry paused and put his wand away. Having his minions service him was a lot more fun than fighting Voldemort. "What did you wish to know?"
"I've kept my ear to the ground and learned of Luna's wonderful pets and I was wondering if you knew where she purchased them from?"
"You finally got a competent minion who actually passes on factual information?" Harry exclaimed in shock.
"Oh yes," Voldemort said proudly. "Obviously he's not really a pureblood, but I'll overlook that for the quality of information he passes on. Short fellow, wears a robe that covers him completely, and all he asks in return is the chance to abuse Draco and Lucy. They enjoy it, so I figured, what the hell!"
"That does sound reasonable," Harry agreed.
"I thought so too. Now back to what I wanted to know... where does Luna find such delightful animals?"
Harry went to the bookcase and opened a book, pulling out a pair of tickets for Voldemort. "Here, they have tours most days. It's called Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Park."
Voldemort squealed like a little girl and kissed Harry on the cheek before rushing off.
"Dobby!" Harry called out.
*Pop*
"Yes, Harry Potter, Sir?" Dobby said dressed in a robe that was several sizes too big and completely covered him.
Voldemort and Dumbledore both vanished that day, never to be seen again... unless one were to go to a certain animal park of course and knew the pair's animagus forms...