Disclaimer: Another omake file.
Everybody Loves Luna
Omake: Advocate
Hermione was aware of her friend's presence for fifteen pages before she decided to acknowledge him. Harry looked a little flustered, so either he'd done something wrong or he wanted a favor, but it was obviously not anything dangerous. In any case, she saw no reason not to make him wait till she finished the chapter, since she had told him she'd be working on a ground breaking research project and not to bug her unless it was important.
"What is it, Harry?" she shot him a flat look. Better to get him to spill things now than to let him beat around the bush and waste time.
"I . . . um . . ." he stammered. "You know how you told me about how it was best to have a barrister in court with you because they were a professional and how if I was putting together a professional Quidditch team, I wouldn't just sweep up whatever drunks were laying around Knockturn alley in the morning and then Ron started screaming about the Canons and . . ."
"I remember," Hermione agreed. "Get to the point, please."
"I need someone to speak on my behalf," Harry blurted.
"What happened?"
"Luna keeps talking me into having sex with her," Harry said with a blush.
"Luna is talking you into having sex with her," Hermione snorted. "What'd she do? Remark what a wonderful idea it was to retire to a broom closet?"
"I didn't say she had a hard time of it," Harry replied. "I just . . . could you come with me and convince her that I'd at least try to have a couple dates first?"
"I'm going back to my book," Hermione announced. "You know where to find me if you have a real problem."
"But I do have a real problem," Harry protested.
"Really?" She fixed him with a glare. "Most boys have the opposite problem you do, offer to trade with one of them. Now if you'll excuse me . . ."
"It's not that simple," Harry replied.
"Isn't it?"
"I have a first edition of Hogwarts a History. It's yours if you help me," Harry offered.
"What year was it printed?" Hermione demanded.
"I don't know, but it's got little pictures in it like one of those old bibles."
"An illuminated manuscript?" she persisted.
"Um . . . maybe?" Harry agreed hesitantly.
"What language is it written in?" she asked, wanting to make sure it wasn't just a cheap foreign print where they'd cut corners.
"English, but like English before spelling was invented," Harry replied.
"So, in return for me aiding you in convincing Luna to try having a meaningful relationship with you that isn't based solely on sex, you will give me a priceless historical artifact in return?" Hermione asked wondering if she'd fallen through a mirror at some point.
"Yes," Harry agreed.
"Where did you find it?"
"Somewhere no one else can go," Harry said mysteriously.
"The Chamber of Secrets," she guessed. "I'm going to want you to take me down there later."
"In return for what?"
"In return for the fact that we've been friends since we were in our first year," she replied.
"But you're making me give you a priceless historical artifact in return for a bit of help," he pointed out.
"You offered it, knowing I couldn't turn it down, and I'm agreeing to drag myself away from a research project that, if successful, could change the way we look at magic in return for helping you deal with something you should really deal with yourself considering the personal nature of your 'problem' with Luna."
"Come on," Harry groaned. "She'll be waiting in the Room of Requirements."
"And just why are you meeting her in such a private place if you don't want to have sex?"
"One, if I don't meet her there; she'll come find me and I'd rather not lose any more points for public shagging. Two, I never said I didn't want to shag her. I just want to try having a meaningful relationship too."
"Let's go," she sighed. "Sooner I take care of this, the sooner I can get back to my research."
Hermione marched to the Room of Requirements to find that Luna was already waiting.
"Harry, you didn't tell me you wanted to spice things up by bringing someone else into our play times," Luna bubbled. She gave the other girl a through once over. "I can't say I don't approve of your choice either."
"I'm not here to shag you, Luna," Hermione said calmly.
"Are you here to shag Harry while I watch or to watch while I shag Harry?"
"Neither. I'm here to convince you to stop shagging Harry."
"Now you're just not making any sense. Why else would you come if you didn't want to get involved in shagging in some way?" Luna cocked her head. "One assumes that . . ." she cut off. "Harry, could you wait outside for a bit while Hermione and I discuss things?"
"Sure, Luna," Harry agreed. He was in the hall for ten minutes before the door opened again to reveal a red faced Hermione with her clothes in disarray.
"Oh, she's good."
"But you convinced her to . . ."
"Shut up and come in here, Harry," Hermione growled.
"So you didn't?"
"So she's won this round," Hermione admitted. "But I'm going to go back to the library in a few hours to work on my counter argument. Now shut up and get in here, please."
AN: Bit more mindlessness.
Addition by ubereng
"Cho, I have a problem. And, Hermione couldn't help me"
Addition by wordhammer
Harry waited outside the door to the Room of Requirement. He paced about- his anxiousness wasn't unfounded, of course. These two were his best and smartest female friends and if they had to take their time to sort out this... miscommunication, then by Merlin, he'd give them that time.
After about twenty minutes, though, Harry began to worry. The magic of the Room prevented any sound from escaping out into the corridor, but Harry had felt what he could only describe as sudden pressure changes over the last few minutes.
Stiffening his courage, he walked up and knocked on the door.
A minute passed.
Just as he was preparing to knock again, Hermione opened the portal a crack. Harry could see that her face was flushed, but she heels the door so narrowly open, that all else he could see was that it was quite dark within.
"H-harry. I'm... very sorry to have kept you waiting for so long. Is anyone else out there?"
"No, it's just me-"
Hermione's unclothed arm shot out through the opening and pulled him into the room with a strength that might have toppled Hagrid. Harry found himself being spun in the candlelit shadows until he was facing outward into the room, Hermione standing directly behind him with her arm still clutched tightly around the his chest, her fist clenched into a ball at the collar of his robes.
"Hermione? What happened?" Harry peered into the darkness before him. "...and where's Luna?"
Hermione gulped. "I wish I knew. She's here, only we can't see her."
"Then how do you know-?"
Hermione gasped loudly into Harry's ear and then replied, "I can feel her! And just when were you going to mention that she had an interest in both..."
Harry heard Hermione's breath caught in her throat, replaced by humming whine from within. A moment later she exhaled loudly into his ear.
The witch finally finished her sentence, "...sexes!"
"Hermione, I'm standing in front of you, you're standing in front of the door. Just where is Luna?"
His longtime friend held him so tightly with just the one arm that he was beginning to reassess the power of a standard Hermione-hug. This was accompanied by another whine from deep within Hermione's throat.
Luna's voice echoed up from somewhere below them. "I'd say I was about two fingers deep and heading for the third."
"Hermione?"
She whimpered slightly, mumbling, "never saw... I never noticed... how long her fingers are..."
"So you lost the argument, I take it?"
Luna chose to answer for Hermione, as she was busy rapidly gasping and squirming behind Harry's back. "She hasn't lost yet, but I'm sure we'll have plenty of time together to learn our favorite recipes and such. I just don't see the need to rush into things."
Harry wilted slightly (though his lower half was standing so painfully at attention by this point that he was concerned with tearing open his trousers).
"Luna, don't you think this IS rushing into things?"
"On the contrary. Hermione is holding out admirably."
"What?"
Hermione let out a feral roar and spun Harry around. He saw three things in quick succession that he never expected, nor would he ever forget; Hermione was naked. Hermione looked like she was possessed by the Goddess of Lust. Hermione then, in the span of 3.3 seconds, successfully ripped every stitch of his clothing from his body, threw him to the floor and jumped straight onto his hardon.
Between the intervals of Harmione's entire torso bouncing up and down from his viewpoint, Harry could see Luna stand up, just as unclothed as the other two, and gazing down affectionately at the duo in flagrante. She said quite simply, "NOW, she's lost the bet."
Luna then grinned and knelt down on his legs, behind Hermione, her arms snaking around to the front of her torso, making Hermione resemble a pale, four armed succubus.
[Anything after that has been sealed away in his mind for special occasions, like fighting off a kamikaze Dementor horde.]
Omake for 119
(Not to take away from the other Luna Omake, which is superior in my opinion)
Harry was just about to walk up the gangplank and away from his last contract when a voice froze him in his tracks.
"Hello, Harry Potter."
"Luna?"
"Yes," the voice agreed.
"What are you doing here?" Harry turned around to look at the girl.
"I was looking for you." Luna looked down at her feet. "I am sorry that I was not such a good friend during your last year at Hogwarts and I was hoping that you would give me another chance. I promise that if you allow it, I shall endeavor to be as good a friend to you as you have been to me."
"You never stopped being my friend, Luna." He waved her aboard. "Come on, it'll be much more comfortable to talk if we're inside."
"Thank you."
She followed him below decks and took a seat in the galley.
"So what can I do for you, Luna?"
"You can allow me to stay with you," Luna replied hopefully. "I know that I am not Ron or Hermione, but I hope that I am enough."
"You're always welcome wherever I am, Luna. But what about your NEWTs and your father?" Harry smiled. "And there is no one I'd rather have you be than Luna Lovegood, be yourself and I'll be happy."
"I . . ." Luna wiped away a happy tear. "I already sat my NEWTs." She smiled at the befuddled look on his face. "I sat them a year early which may have adversely affected my score, but I still managed to take first overall."
"Bet Hermione hated getting pushed into number two."
"I'm sure she would have judging by how she took getting the third place. I got first overall, and first in every subject save history and potions. Daphne Greengrass took first in potions, Hermione took first in History. I also sat more NEWTs than either of them so I placed first by quite a large margin," Luna giggled. "It seems that no one ever told Hermione the secret to scoring more than one hundred in a NEWTs exam, she was quite vexed when she learned why her score was so low in comparison to mine."
"What's the secret?"
"Innovation. You must impress the proctors. I discovered a new creature and documented its habits, that got me a top score in Care. I spent the first half of the runes exam making a puzzle, the proctors spent the second half of the exam failing to solve it. I shared some theories regarding the unforgivables which took care of charms and defense. I managed a wandless partial self-transfiguration, I explained how an air foil worked, and I cheated my way into the highest divination score ever recorded."
"How'd you do that?"
"The secret to scoring well in divination was to foresee a bit of gold appearing in the proctor's vault. Your score depended on how much."
"You gave a bribe?"
"Oh heavens no, I arranged for one of the proctors to be arrested in the middle of the exam after predicting it. Then, I sighed and asked if my prediction counted or if I'd have to do it again with the assistant proctors. They got the message, and I got the highest score in recorded history."
"Good job. Still doesn't solve the problem of your father."
"Father knows that I shall be away from home for the next year," Luna said quickly. Granted, he was also under the impression that she'd be at Hogwarts but that was his own fault. After all, wasn't he the one that had taught her that a good reporter always confirms their facts? If anyone was to blame for the fact that he'd allowed himself to become sloppy, it certainly wasn't her.
"I guess that takes care of my concerns," Harry agreed.
"Will you take us home now, Harry?" Luna asked hopefully.
"I'm not going back to England," Harry said firmly.
"And I did not ask to you to take me there, I asked you to take me home." Luna bit her lower lip. "Please."
"Alright," Harry agreed. "Let's go home."
"Thank you, Harry."
Omake: Multiplex
"I see." Harry considered what he'd been told for a few moments. "Excuse me." Before turning and jumping through the nearest window. Something that caused no small amount of distress to his classmates due to the fact that they were in Gryffindor tower and the ground was several hundred feet below.
IIIIIIIIII
Minerva was at a loss as she considered her sleeping student. Was it possible that Severus' pettiness and Albus' habit of throwing the boy into life threatening situations had finally worn down the boy's will to live? If so, they were both going to have to get new hobbies, she'd tolerated their torment of one of her students for long enough. They'd had almost seven years to drive Harry to the point that suicide was the answer, she'd do all in her power to make the boy's final months before graduation slightly less dangerous and miserable than the previous sixty five had been.
"Professor McGonagall?" Harry groaned. "What happened?"
"The wards around the tower caught you before you hit the ground and transported you to one of the 'special' rooms in the hospital wing," the woman replied.
"I see."
"Do you mind sharing with me why you chose to leap out the tower window?" she asked gently.
"After hearing what Luna said, I just had to get away as fast as possible and the window was closer than the door," Harry replied. "I just had to escape, I couldn't think about anything else but running as fast and far as possible."
"What did Ms. Lovegood tell you?"
"You know that we've been dating for the last two years, right?"
"I was aware," Minerva agreed. The girl hadn't broken up with him or gotten into the family way had she? Such things were not unknown.
"Well, not to get too personal, but do you know what a nymphomaniac is, Professor?"
"I've heard the term," she replied. "I take it that Ms. Lovegood is rather enthusiastic?"
"That's putting it lightly," Harry agreed. "A normal nymphomaniac is a celibate nun compared to Luna, she's decided that it's her duty to live up to the family name."
"I see." She didn't. "And how did this prompt your flight?"
"She told me about the accident in potions class," Harry explained. "She told me that a bad potion had caused her to multiply." The boy began trembling. "She told me that she and all seven of her new sisters had agreed that the only thing to do was to share me." The boy's trembling was almost uncontrollable. "She told me that . . . I can barely keep up with one Luna, Professor. How am I going to keep up with eight of them?"
"I . . ."
"You gotta help me, Professor!" Harry begged. "They'll kill me, I just can't do it, no man can!"
Omake: Traditional Defense Professors
"Please give a rousing round of applause for our new Defense Professors: Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood," Dumbledore said.
"How in the hell did they get hired?" Aurora whispered to McGonagall. "They're not even out of school yet."
"They were also the only ones that applied," Minerva whispered back.
"Thank you!" Harry said loudly. "First of all, I'd like to say . . ." he dodged a sickly yellow hex and sent several of his own back at the mysterious attacker.
"You'll never leave this castle alive, Potter!" another Harry screamed.
"Come on," the first Harry growled, prompting one of the more unusual duals in Hogwarts' history, if not one of the more unusual duels.
Dumbledore looked over at the boy's co-professor. "Putting on a show for the students to give them an idea about his capability?"
"Hmmmm?" Luna blinked at the old man. "No, Harry's making an attempt on the life of Harry Potter. It's a Defense Professor tradition."
"Hmmmwaaa?" Dumbledore sputtered.
"The attacker is young Harry, the defender is old Harry," Luna explained.
"Timeturner?" Minerva asked weakly.
"Oh my yes," Luna agreed. "Young Harry is doing fairly well, but I don't think it's going to work. Old Harry is dueling like he knows all of his opponent's moves before he makes . . ." the girl trailed off. "Perhaps we didn't think this through." She scratched her chin. "I suppose the next attempt goes to me. Professor McGonagall, do you happen to know if it's possible to kill someone with too much sex?"
The later duel between the two would be one of the most unusual ever held in Hogwarts history as Luna put forth a sincere attempt on Harry Potter's life resulting in her being bedridden for a week as Harry had been clever enough to remember to hold into the timeturner and used it to good effect.
Beta by: dogbertcarroll
AN: I've noticed that many people don't bother reading these. It's the only explanation for a lot of the hate mail I get, people not bothering to read the fic seems to be an explanation for more of it.