Disclaimer: Just a bit of harmless fun?
Genre Savvy
It was the first day of the new term and the third year Ravenclaws were just settling down for their first lesson with the new Defense against the Dark Arts professor. Ignoring the the hisses of her classmates as Luna stood up and walked to the front of the room.
"Sit down you silly cow, before he takes points off," one of her roommates whispered as she walked past.
"Who are you?" Luna demanded, confronting the new defense teacher.
"Mad Eye Moody!" the man barked. "Now get back to yer seat before I start taking points."
The girl's wand seemed to apperate into her hand as she hit the fake with a barrage of spells.
"I'm going to ask again nicely, who are you?" Luna's serene expression never changed. "If you don't answer this time, I'm afraid I'm going to have to do something very impolite to you."
"What are you doing, Lovegood?" one of her classmates screamed.
A flick of her wand had the questioner bound and gagged. "Did anyone else have any questions?" She looked around, no one did. "Then you may wish to leave. Things are going to get a bit messy here and blood is so hard to clean out of robes unless you remember to charm them first." Her eyes lit up. "Which reminds me," she carefully charmed the instructors robes. "Now then, why don't you start by telling me who you really are?"
With the exception of the unfortunate that had attracted Luna's attention, the rest of the students fled the room.
IIIIIIIIII
Filius Flitwick was in the middle of a rather exciting lesson on the many uses of the repulser charm when the door burst open and several of his third years tumbled in.
"Lovegood's finally cracked!" one of them squeaked.
"She attacked the new Defense Professor," another added.
"Take charge of the room, Ms. Chang," he ordered. "I shan't be long."
"Yes, Professor," the girl agreed.
Filius was unsurprised when Minerva joined him half way to the Defense room. Without a word, both Professors paused by the door.
"Been a while since we've done this," Minerva whispered with a smile.
"You never forget how to take a door," Filius replied. "Same as we used to do in the old days?"
"Bit late to learn new tricks," Minerva teased.
"Hush you," the Rat Terrier animagus replied with a grin, remembering some of their more memorable battles and how the term fighting like cats and dogs came to mean so much more in the magical world than it ever did in the muggle one.
With a deep breath, the old woman transfigured two inches of solid oak into a mass of hydrogen, allowing her colleague to provide the spark and concave shield.
Following the flash and bang, the two Professors burst into the room and nearly dropped their wands at the scene, there were two Moodys. The first was hanging upside down and wrapped in so much rope that he looked like a mummy, the second was sitting at the desk with their wayward student in his lap.
"Would you like to explain what's going on here, Alastor?" Minerva growled.
"Seems we had an impostor," the retired Auror said with a leer. "Lucky thing my lovely li'l granddaughter here knew the proper way to respond."
"I am a spinning whirlwind of death," the young girl giggled.
"Er did ye ferget who her mam was?"
"I tried," Minerva sighed. "Oh did I try." And it looked like it would be a long school year before she could obliviate herself of that knowledge once more.
"Does mummy still have the record for points taken away for public shagging?" Luna asked curiously. "I'm surprised it's lasted this long, 955,942 isn't that many for a month."
"That was for an entire term," Filius pointed out.
"Really?" she asked innocently. Causing her head of house no small amount of nervousness, no way they were getting the cup that year.
IIIIIIIIII
In History class, Harry awoke with a start, his eyes shot open and darted around the room in search of threats.
"What's wrong?" Hermione asked in concern.
"I don't know," Harry whispered back. "I just felt an overwhelming urge to flee the castle to escape from some unexplainable horror."
"I'll check the library later," Hermione sighed. "Maybe we'll be able to find out what's trying to kill you early this year."
"Be nice to get it over with now so I don't have to spend the last week in the hospital wing," Harry mused.
IIIIIIIIII
Moody leered up at the impostor as the polyjuice wore off to reveal a dead man or rather a soon to be dead man.
"Look what we've got here," he laughed. "What do you think, Mini?"
"I think you should wait till Amelia gets here," the Head of Gryffindor replied.
"Jest gonna ask a few questions to pass the time," Moody laughed. "Now then, you got a choice. Either you talk to me, or I'll leave the room and you can talk to my innocent little granddaughter."
Barty laughed in defiance, "What do . . ." The little girl looked up and he was trapped by her gaze.
He was a Death Eater, he'd thought he was tough, he'd thought he was the baddest thing in the world, he'd thought he's seen the worst humanity had to offer. What he saw when he looked into her two little eyes scared the piss out of him.
"I'll talk!" he squealed. The one part of his mind that wasn't gibbering in terror was idly hoping that his clothes would soak up the urine before it trickled down to his face. "Just get her away from me!"
IIIIIIIIII
Susan's eyes lit up when she heard the rumors racing through the castle about Ravenclaw's oddest student.
"Did you hear that, Hannah?"
"I heard it, Susan," her best friend agreed.
"She's perfect!" the two girls cheered.
IIIIIIIIII
Luna licked her lips as Gryffindor's boy hero crossed her gaze. It was long past time she did something to get closer to her mother's heritage.
'Harry is looking particularly yummy today,' she thought to herself as she stalked after him. 'Mmmmm, Potter.'
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione looked over in concern as a shudder racked her best friend's body and privately vowed to redouble her efforts.
"What's wrong?" Ron asked.
"I'm getting the same feeling I used to get when Dudley was trying to sneak up on me for a round of 'Harry Hunting' only a hundred times worse," Harry replied.
"Better do some research on offensive spells too, Hermione," Ron suggested.
"Yeah," she agreed. "We'll start with violently lethal and work our way down to sadistically lethal."
"Thanks," Harry sighed. "Hope whatever it is, is willing to wait till we get prepared."
The trio took their customary seats at the Gryffindor table, the ones that allowed them to keep watch the doors, cover each others backs, and had three easy escape routes.
IIIIIIIIII
A great sigh racked the new Defense Professor's frame as he looked down at the assembled students, it was going to be one of those years.
"Whatever is wrong, Alastor?" Minerva asked in concern.
"Ye remember what Larry Lovegood was like before m'daughter got her hooks into him right?" Moody sighed.
"Yes," Minerva agreed. "Why?"
"I think m'grandaghter discovered her hormones," Moody said morosely. "Judging by the looks she's been shooting yon Potter."
IIIIIIIIII
Susan and Hannah bounced over to the Ravenclaw table and spent a few moments observing their target and the wide space around her. It seemed that no student was willing to sit within three places of her and the entire table was covered by an aura of fear and nervousness.
"Can we speak with you a minute, Luna?" Susan licked her lips, here it was, the thing she'd been looking for since she'd come to Hogwarts.
"Hmmmm?" Luna looked up from her upside down newspaper. "Alright, what do you need?"
"Have you given much thought to your future?" Hannah asked, placing a sisterly hand on Luna's shoulder. "Specifically, what career you'd like to have."
"How about one in Law Enforcement?" Susan suggested. "Thanks to the wonderful concept of nepotism, I'm going to start my career as the commander of an Auror section and I'd like you to consider joining it."
"Every section needs a number of different people to work," Hannah added. "I'm going to get all the easy jobs since I'm Susan's best friend, for example."
"What do you want from me?" Luna cocked her head.
"We'd like you to consider being our loose cannon that doesn't play by the rules but gets results," Susan explained hopefully. "Please."
"Pretty please," Hannah agreed.
"With gravy on top?" Luna asked.
"Or whatever else you want."
"I want Harry Potter as my partner," Luna bargained.
"You'll probably need to bring in his Granger and Weasley too," Susan said thoughtfully. "Hermione does his thinking and Ron's a good source of comic relief."
"We were looking for someone to put into the intelligence department and someone else to run prosecutions," Hannah pointed out.
"Ron will be perfect for intelligence," Susan agreed, hopefully with hilarious results. "What do you say, Luna?"
"I say that I'm a loose cannon that doesn't play by the rules," Luna chirped.
"Yay!" the two Hufflepuffs cheered.
IIIIIIIIII
Back at the Head Table, the Professors were still engaged in their favorite subject; gossiping about the students and placing wagers about the future.
"What was her father like?" Professor Vector asked.
"He was a bit of a pompous ass till her mother decided to see if there was any truth in advertising." Moody scratched his chin. "Shudda seen it commin in hindsight, what with 'er mam bein a succubus an all." Moody grinned. "I'm sure Potter'll be fine, got more mojo then my son in law ever did."
"Think Percy Weasley but worse," Minerva advised. "Selene stunned him, threw him onto her shoulder, and disappeared for three days. When he reappeared, he was as you see him today. Bughouse nuts and more than slightly dehydrated."
Every eye in at the Head Table turned to regard the object of Luna's desire.
IIIIIIIIII
Meanwhile at the Gryffindor table, while their instructors were deeply immersed in their gossip, Ron rudely leaned across Hermione to grab another handful of chicken legs.
"They're looking at Harry again," Ron whispered.
"I see it," Hermione whispered back. Raising her voice to scold. "Ron don't be rude."
"Who's blocking my access to the chicken?" Ron belched.
In embarrassment, Harry put a hand over his face. "What do they think they want?" By chance, this made it quite difficult to read his lips.
"I found three dark creatures that can inspire feelings of dread," Hermione said through clenched teeth, her face set into a glare directed at Ron.
"Defenses?" Ron asked, masking his lips with a piece of chicken. "They've stopped looking at us."
"None of the ones I found should be able to survive in this climate," Hermione sighed. "I'm going to need to do more research."
IIIIIIIIII
After a long look at the objects of their current conversation, the Staff turned back to their meals and continued their conversation.
"Shame about the insanity," Minerva sighed. "I was always quite fond of Mr. Potter."
"Way I figure it, my girl's only a quarter succubus so Potter has a better than average chance of lasting through their first night with his sanity intact," Moody said cheerfully. "She's also a lot more patient than her mother was."
"You think she'll be willing to wait till the wedding night?" Minerva asked hopefully.
"Nah, I'm just hoping she's not going to decide the staff table during meal times is a wonderful place to shag till after I'm gone." Moody checked his watch. "Only seven more months, well that hopes down the crapper."
IIIIIIIIII
Luna was forced to break off her observations after a couple hours when Harry and his friends retreated to the relative safety of the Gryffindor Common Room. With a pout, she retreated to her own common room to reread the latest issue of the Quibbler. It wasn't long before her reading was disturbed.
"Lovegood?" the spokesgirl for Luna's roommates called out nervously.
"Hmmm?" Luna looked up to regard the other girls.
"It's about the way we've been bothering you," the girl began nervously, the episode in the defense classroom was dramatic enough to convince them that bothering the little blond was a very VERY bad idea.
"Bothering?" The little blonde blinked in confusion.
"Bullying," the girl admitted.
"You've been bullying me?" Luna exclaimed in shock. "Well, we'll see about that!"
Her grandfather had spent a painstaking week before she'd come to Hogwarts explaining exactly what she should do to anyone stupid enough to harass Selene Lovegood's little girl.
The other Ravenclaws watched in horror as Luna showed them exactly what she thought of bullies, it was something none of them would ever forget no matter how they tried or how much their parents spent on therapy.
"Marietta?"
"Yeah, Cho?"
"Let's agree never to fuck with Lovegood ever again!"
"I'm with you, Cho," Marietta agreed, pale as a marshmallow at what she was seeing.
"Ten points to Ravenclaw for showing what we think of bullies," Cho called out nervously. "Um . . . I think they've had enough."
"You think so?" Luna's gaze froze the older girl.
"Unless you think they haven't," Cho added quickly.
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione leapt to her feet and darted over to where her two friends were engaged in a game of chess.
"I've got it," she announced proudly. "I know what's trying to kill you this year."
"What is it?" Harry asked.
"A long snouted heffalump," Hermione replied. "And I think I know where it will be hiding."
"You got a spell we can use to kill it?" Ron demanded.
"I've got a number of spells that are effective against them," Hermione replied smugly. "Let's learn them and go hunting."
"What would a quiet year be like?" Harry mused.
"We're gonna find out, mate," Ron assured his best friend. "We're gonna find out."
IIIIIIIIII
Moody raised an eyebrow when three blood covered Gryffindors staggered in the next morning and bonelessly slumped onto their seats.
"Looks as if Harry's getting into trouble early this year," Dumbledore observed with a twinkle in his eye.
"Or Ms. Granger has finally convinced him to stop procrastinating and get proactive," Professor Sinistra replied.
"This sort of thing 'appen a lot then?" Moody asked.
"Usually not till after the first month."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry was exultant. Finally he could find out what it was like to spend a couple months at Hogwarts without the constant specter of death hovering over his shoulder. Finally he could . . . he felt another chill go up his back.
"There must be another one about," Harry whispered to his friends. "I just felt another chill."
"It can't be another long snouted heffalump," Hermione fretted. "They're too territorial to willingly live in such close quarters."
"There must be something else," Ron agreed. "Or maybe there's a dark wizard sending in waves of them."
"I'll start looking for dark wizard detection spells then shall I?" Hermione sighed, she should have known it wouldn't be that easy.
Unnoticed by them all, a small blonde girl rose from her seat at the Ravenclaw table and skipped down the hall to the Defense Classroom.
IIIIIIIIII
Mad Eye swept into his classroom and fixed a withering glare on the student sitting in his chair, the same glare he used on the worst sorts of scum he'd had to deal with in his years on the force, politicians.
"Lovegood!" Moody barked.
"Yes, Grandpa?"
"Ten points to Ravenclaw for being so darned cute," the scarred man rasped. "Today we're going to learn how to . . ."
"Tell me the story of how you met grammie again!" Luna demanded.
"I really should be teaching defense," Moody replied. "How bout later?"
"Please," Luna begged, batting her eyelashes. "It's ever so educational."
"I suppose there's no harm in it," Moody broke, confirming once again that his cute little granddaughter had him wrapped right around her dainty little finger. "It was two weeks before Dumbledore stopped the dark bastard and things were looking grim. I was one of four survivors of my strike team holed up in an old church and the only one combat effective when it happened."
"What happened?" Luna cheered.
"The worst happened," Moody replied. "A succubus appeared. Now don't believe all the stories you hear about them, all they are is a prettier form of dementor. Though I will admit that the way they suck the life out of you is a lot more fun, one of the better way's to die I'm told. Not sure how anyone could test that theory, but there you go."
"What'd you do?" Luna prompted.
"I pulled myself to my feet, stared her in the chest, and complimented her rack." Moody grinned. "Figured I was gonna die anyway, may as well die doing what I loved. Staring at the nicest pair of tits I've ever seen in my life."
"Then what?" Luna giggled.
"Then she propositioned me," Moody replied. "She propositioned that if I was good enough to satisfy her, she wouldn't kill us all. We've been together ever since."
"Um . . . sir?" One of the students raised his hand.
"What?"
"Could you bring her in so we can see what a real live succubus looks like?" he asked hopefully.
"She's in hell at the moment visiting my in laws," Moody barked. "Only reason that twit was able to replace me. Any other questions?"
"Yeah," the boy agreed. "How did you get proficient enough to satisfy a succubus."
"Ask your grandmother," Moody replied with a leer. "Maybe she'll give you lessons if you ask nicely."
There were no more questions after that, there was at least one couple request to their Head of House after class to get their memories modified though.
IIIIIIIIII
A very disheveled Harry, Hermione, and Ron staggered into the Great Hall for lunch and began shoveling food into their mouths.
"Care to explain why you three skipped class?" their Head of house demanded.
"We were clearing out a group of cultists in the catacombs beneath Hogwarts, Professor," Hermione answered.
"They were trying to raise some sort of dark god or something," Ron added. "Harry dueled the head priest, it was bloody brill!"
"Couldn't have done it if you two hadn't kept the rest of them off me," Harry said with a grin. "Did you see what Hermione did to the one in the black robes?"
"Bet the survivors will have nightmares about it," Ron chuckled. "Good job, Hermione."
"Thank you, Ron," the girl said primly.
"I see." Minerva sighed, it used to be such a quiet castle. "Carry on then."
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore rose to his feet and allowed his benevolent gaze to sweep over the room. Once he was sure that he'd captured the student's attention, he began.
"May I have your attention, please?" He called out. "As you all know, Quidditch has been canceled this year." The old wizard waited for the groans to stop. "And that is so we can host the Triwizard Cup which I'm sad to say has not been held for quite some time due to all the messy deaths in the last tournament."
IIIIIIIIII
The trio listened with growing unease as Dumbledore made his explanation, they knew it had been too good to hope that the old man wasn't in on it.
"Did you hear that?" Hermione whispered fiercely. "That must be how they're going to try to kill you this year, Harry."
"Yeah," Ron agreed. "Those chills you've been having must be a danger sense or something, bloody useful."
"You know what we have to do, right?"
"Layer so many wards over the cup that no one can get near it, then steal and substitute it with a fake." Hermione grinned. "Then we destroy the damned thing and enjoy a nice relaxing year."
"Agreed," Ron and Harry said together.
IIIIIIIIII
Luna skipped into her grandfather's office that night and fixed him with her cutest and most innocent expression.
"Whadda want now?" he growled, eying the girl with a healthy dose of paranoia.
"I need to go to Hogsmead for some shopping," Luna replied.
"What sort of . . . forget I started asking that question," he said firmly. "Why can't you get yer da ta take you?"
"Father has forgotten he has a daughter at the moment and he is convinced that he is an emperor penguin named george," Luna replied with a frown. "Which is ridiculous since everyone knows that Magellanic Penguins are far superior. I know that if I were transformed into a penguin, I'd be beside myself if I were any other sort of penguin. Wouldn't you, grandpa?"
"Of course," he agreed. "I've got some time this weekend and I promise to take you so long as you promise not to tell me what you got or drag me into the store."
"Deal."
IIIIIIIIII
The golden trio waited until everyone had gone outside to greet the other schools to make their move. Hermione was in the lead, it was her job to identify and bypass the protections around the Headmaster's office. Harry was next, ready to cast a protective shield over his friend in case she made an error. Ron took up the rear as lookout, he'd be the first one to identify and engage any meddling kids or nosy Professors."
"I'm in," Hermione whispered.
"That was easy," Harry murmured.
"Perhaps a bit too easy," Ron agreed.
"Worry about that later, we've got maybe two minutes to get in, grab a time turner, and get out."
"Right," Ron agreed.
They managed to get out with two seconds to spare before going back two hours. With their past selves providing the alibis, stealing the cup should be a piece of cake.
IIIIIIIIII
Luna skipped into the shop and straight to the scantily clad salesgirl behind the counter. After taking a moment to admire the leather corset the woman was wearing, Luna's palm came down to slap the service bell on the counter.
"Aren't you a bit young to be in a shop like this?" the woman asked.
"Why yes," Luna agreed. "Yes I am."
"Then get out of . . . wait, you look familiar." The woman frowned.
"Mummy used to bring me here a lot before she died," Luna offered.
"Luna?" The woman squealed. "It's been ages since I saw you."
"Hello, Aunt Trish," Luna said brightly.
"That age huh?" She gave the girl a knowing smirk. "Well, I suppose we'd better get you the works."
IIIIIIIIII
Long practice allowed Moody to ignore the odd looks on the faces of the passers by as he stood in front of the Naughty Witch Leather Emporium. That same practice allowed him to pretend he didn't know what his granddaughter was purchasing or what she'd purchased in the two shops she'd already visited; Bob's Ball Gags and Red's Whips and Restraints.
It was great being married to a succubus, he mused to himself. Hours of exotic sex, a wife that never lost her looks, the sex, a woman that was willing to do anything no matter how depraved, the sex, and the amazing sex.
"Finished," Luna chirped as she stepped out of the shop. "Only six more shops to go."
"What's next?" Moody asked.
"Stanley's Sex Toys," Luna replied. "You remember Stanley, right?"
"Yeah," Moody winced. Yep, it sure was great being married to a succubus until it came time to pay the piper. "I remember Stanley." Then it bloody sucked. They say that daughters are god's curse on a man for being a man, granddaughters were even worse.
IIIIIIIIII
The golden trio huddled together for warmth as they waited for the other two schools to arrive. What in the hall had Dumbledore been thinking, insisting that they all waited outside for the others to arrive, it was like the old man wanted them to catch their death of cold.
"Turns out the Headmaster at Durmstrang is an ex-death eater," Ron announced. "What's say we go pay him a little visit later?"
"Good work, Ron," Hermione complimented the boy.
"Cup first or bastard first?" Harry asked.
"The Cup will likely play a big part in his plan to murder you, so I think it's best we disrupted his plans before we disrupt him," Hermione replied.
"Agreed." Ron nodded. "And if he doesn't pan out, we'll take out Hogwarts own Death Eater. Snape'll never know what hit him and I'll bet ten Galleons that potions scores go up five hundred percent."
"Ron, he's a teacher," Hermione scolded.
"How many teachers have tried to kill Harry so far?" Ron growled back.
"That's different," Hermione sniffed.
"How?" Ron demanded.
"Because they were Defense Professors," Hermione retorted. The trio froze. "Have we been over-thinking it?"
"Damn it," Ron shouted. "We've been going about this all wrong."
"You're right" Hermione groaned."Who tries to kill harry every year?"
"The Defense Professors," Ron returned.
"Professor Lupin?" Harry ventured.
"Did you forget getting attacked by a werewolf?" Ron asked.
"Point," Hermione sighed. "So what you're suggesting is that we go down and get preemptive?"
"I'm suggesting just that," Ron agreed. "Let's get preemptive."
"We'll jump Moody after we take care of the import," Harry said. "Agreed?"
"Agreed," Hermione said.
"Yeah," Ron echoed. "Cup, death bastard, Professor Bastard, Snape."
"Only if Moody isn't the threat," Hermione sighed. "If that's the case, we'll come down on Snape like a ton of bricks."
"Or we could just drop a ton of bricks on him," Ron mused. "Take care of a lot of problems that way."
"True," Harry agreed.
"I wonder if it would be better to transfigure them or to order them from in?" Hermione mused.
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore pasted a stern expression on his face when the Defense Professor walked into his office, dropped into a chair, and propped his feet up on the desk.
"What'd ye want, Albus?" Moody demanded.
"There have been some concerns regarding the fact that you took a student shopping in Hogsmead," Albus said sternly.
"Rules say I gotta," Moody sighed. "Damn them and damn you for makin 'em!"
"Yes . . . well, it's not so much that you took a student shopping as what you took her shopping for," Albus tried.
"Wha'd ye expec?" Moody laughed. "Yeh ken what m'wife is."
"Yes . . . well . . . couldn't someone else have done it?"
"Her da thinks he' a penguin, her grand mam is in hell, Minerva said not even if her life bloody depended on it, and I'm all that's left," Moody explained. Just another piece of a large body of evidence suggesting that god hated him. "Unless you'd be willing to take care 'ah it for me?" Moody finished hopefully.
"Thank you, Professor Moody, that will be all."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione held her breath as Harry switched out the Triwizard Cup for their carefully constructed forgery. It had taken seconds to get past the obvious protections and nearly ten minutes of looking before they'd concluded that there weren't any discrete protections around the ancient and priceless magical artifact. Still, it was still more than a bit nerve racking to have to find out the hard way if they were right or not.
"Got it in the dragon hide bag," Harry whispered.
"Coast is still clear," Ron announced.
"We've got no reason to stick around," Hermione hissed. "Let's get out of here and on to stage two."
"What's stage two?" Ron asked.
"A little trip abroad," Hermione replied. "I couldn't find any active volcanoes in the British Isles."
"Put up the wards before we go anyway?" Ron suggested.
"Why?"
"Longer it takes for them to notice it's missing, the better off we three are," he pointed out.
"Set it up," Harry commanded.
IIIIIIIIII
Moody and the Headmaster arrived only minutes after the Trio left the area around the Tri-Wizard Cup.
"What's this about incompetence on the part of the school administration?" Dumbledore demanded.
"I've known you since we knocked down the dark tosser, Albus," Moody growled. "And I know how you think, that's also why I . . ." he cut off to watch one of Snape's finest approach.
The wards began to hum as the Slytherin got too close and electricity began to arc and crackle in warning when the boy was dumb enough to continue his approach. A bolt of lighting shot out when he got within a meter of the Tri-Wizard cup followed by a dozen more. Draco fell to the ground squealing in pain as the wards repeatedly zapped him for presuming to get to close. He could see it perfectly fine from fifty meters away.
"Guess I was wrong about you, Albus," Moody admitted. "You didn't scrimp on protection after all."
"Er . . ."
"I figgered ye'd ha just used an age line or sommthin stupid like that, guess I owe you an apology." Moody laughed. "Guess you can teach an ol'dog new tricks, eh?"
"Right," Dumbledore agreed, having no idea what was going on. "Quite right."
IIIIIIIIII
The golden trio stumbled into the Great Hall the next morning and took their customary places around the table. The other students quickly noticed that there was something off about them and decided to give Neville the task of ferreting out what it was.
"Uh . . . hey," Neville began nervously. "Some of us were wondering . . ."
"Yes?" Hermione asked, fixing the boy with an intense stare.
"Why do you guys smell like fire and brimstone?" Neville blurted.
"We had to drop something into a volcano," Ron replied.
"Oh . . ."
"Everyone finished?" Harry asked.
"Yeah," Hermione agreed.
"Just a sec." Ron made himself a large sandwich out of everything within arms reach. "Let's go."
IIIIIIIIII
All was quiet on the Durmstrang ship. Every student was gathered in the galley to hear their Headmaster speak when what should appear, but three masked figures to instill them with fear.
"Anyone goes for their wand, dies!" Hermione bellowed as the trio burst into the galley.
"We don't want to cause an international incident by killing you all, but we will if that's what it takes," Ron agreed.
"I want each teacher to come up here right bleedin now," Harry growled.
A quick check followed by an even quicker stun and incarceration charms confirmed that poor Igor was the only one with a dark mark. A bit of veritaserum and a dozen broken bones, due to Hermione not liking the man's tone, confirmed that the man was not planning to kill Harry Potter. It also revealed a bit of disturbing information that needed to be acted upon.
"Shite!" Harry cursed. "I was sure this was our guy."
"Language!" Hermione barked. "Okay, it's not a total loss. We can still portkey him to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement with a copy of his confession."
"Or we could just kill him now so he doesn't get a chance to bribe his way out of trouble," Ron suggested.
"Ron, I'm surprised at you," Hermione hissed. "Kill him here. Much better to kill him outside the galley, they eat here."
"You're right, Hermione, it wouldn't be hygienic," Ron sighed. "I'll drag him into the hall."
"Just try to think things through first next time," the girl sighed. She turned back to their captives. "On your bellies and count to a hundred!" Hermione screamed. "First person to stick their head out the door looses it."
After a quick bit of murder, the trio escaped the ship and regrouped in an empty classroom for a bit of pre-assault planning.
"Wasn't him," Ron pointed out.
"Which means that we have to go after Moody," Hermione agreed. "I know."
"Just pointing it out," Ron replied.
"Yes, you're a master of stating the obvious," Hermione sniffed. "The important thing isn't what we need to do, it's how we're going to do it."
"Spend the day in the library researching horrid spells to use?" Harry suggested.
"Or we could just walk down the hall and use the ones we already know on him," Ron rebutted.
As it happened, the results of going with Ron's plan proved to be less than ideal since the old Auror was more than a match for three battle hardened students.
"What in the hell were you lot thinking?" Moody growled, glaring at the bound forms of his three prisoners hanging from the ceiling.
"They were thinking that you were going to try to murder Harry Potter like all the other Defense Professors," Luna explained.
"Ah . . . we already took care of that one," Moody said thoughtfully. "Should'ha taken care of it the first week."
"We were dealing with a long snouted heffalump the first week, then a group of cultists, then the cup, then Durmstrang, and now you." Hermione sighed. "What could it be this year?"
"Fifteen points for constant vigilance," Moody commended them as he loosened their bonds. "Might want to take Luna along the next time you run into something sticky."
"I am more dangerous than a box full of cobras," Luna chirped.
The trio shared a moment of non-verbal communication before Harry gave a sharp nod and turned back to Luna. "With that stellar recommendation, how can we not give you a chance to show your worth."
"So long as you promise you're not planning to kill Harry first," Ron interjected. "It's not that we don't trust you-"
"It's that we don't trust anyone," Hermione finished.
"Another fifty points for showing a sensible attitude about the world around you," Moody barked. "Why haven't you three been showing this attitude in class?"
Hermione shot him a look of pure incredulousness. "And let you or the other students get an advantage by giving some idea of what we're capable of?"
"We'd have to be mad," Ron agreed. "Completely bonkers."
AN: Just a little something I've had on my HD for a while waiting to be finished.
Brain juice and editing by dogbertcarroll
Typos by: Brad Coleman, Hacklander Frank, Jenifer Winterbine, lucindas43302
Mini Omake:
"Heel!" Luna ordered, giving the leash a yank.
"Yes, Mistress," Fleur moaned happily.
"Veela," Luna sighed in exasperation.
AN: Someone mentioned the idea that Succubi and Veela might be rivals, that gave me the idea of them having a very different sort of relationship.
A trio of deleted scenes:
"Hello, Harry Potter." She shot him a look of pure lustful adoration.
"Hi, Luna," Harry replied nervously. A chill went up his spine, it was as if an enormous predator had just decided to have Harry sandwiches for lunch.
IIIIIIIIII
"I am a walking object of pure sex appeal," Luna announced proudly. "Inspiring lust in all who survey me."
"Aren't you a bit young for that?"
"Aren't you a bit old to be looking at an innocent girl such as myself?" Luna retorted, knowing that the most effective argument is to attack your opponent. "You deviant pervert."
IIIIIIIIII
"Hello, Harry Potter." Luna latched onto his arm. "You're my new boyfriend."
"I am?"
"Yup," Luna agreed.
"Hermione," he called out in panic. "Help!"
"Okay," Luna agreed. "But only the one."
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Omake by remiheikawa
Great stuff. Very inspiring.
This popped into my head at the end there so... OMAKE TIME WARNING: FLUFF OMAKE:
LOCATION: The great hall, TIME: breakfast.
"Hello, Harry Potter." Luna latched onto his arm the moment he stepped into the great hall with his friends. "You're my new boyfriend."
"I am?"
"Yup," Luna agreed. "Hermione," he called out in panic. "Help!"
"Okay," Luna agreed and wrapped a puzzled Hermione around her waist with her other arm. "But only the one."
"Um, Luna?" Harry asked hesitantly as his brain adapted to the unfamiliar and not quite unpleasant sensation of a non-Hermione female voluntarily invading his personal space. He didn't have much of a clue what a relationship entailed aside from vague rumors floating around the dorms and How Vernon and Petunia behaved. Not the best of guidelines he thought.
"Yes Harry?" Luna purred sweetly as she led her new stoys/s... ehem, partners towards the breakfast table.
"What does a boyfriend..." He paused and glanced at Hermione and back at Luna "And his girlfriends do?"
Let no one say Harry Potter is not adaptable when new situations arise. Luna thought about it for a moment. That was a tough question. She knew what Lovers did, her mother made certain of that, but Boyfriends were not quite always lovers. She wasn't certain why this was so but that's what she gathered from listening to the Ravenclaws and she was willing to try new things.
"Well... For a start Boyfriends and Girlfriends are supposed to be very good friends. Hold hands, go on picnics, kiss, cuddle and generally do things together like spend the holidays doing fun things." She glanced at Harry and decided to nip some silly things she saw boys doing in the bud. "Boyfriends are supposedly responsible for the safety of their girlfriends. It always seemed silly to me. Daddy is a good
wizard but mommy could take apart a squadron of aurors. So: If one of us is in danger the others get to come and have fun killing our enemies too."
Harry began to smile. That didn't seem so bad. In fact it sounded downright interesting, and that part about spending the holidays together downright slaughtered the last remainder of that feeling of dread he had. Fun things... He had a vague idea of finally getting to playing games and stuff on the playground without being chased off. "Promise me we'll spend holidays playing together and I'm in," He said.
Luna beamed a Lumos Maxima smile at him and crushed the three of them into a group hug. Some odd feeling of warmth spread in Harry's chest. It was like a Herm-hug but only kinda. He wondered what it would do for his patronus.
As her brain rebooted Hermione processed what had been said while she was adapting. Friendship and mutual protection was pretty much on course as Hermione was concerned. As the comforting feeling of someone's arm around her waist ruthlessly drowned her sense of propriety Hermione relaxed and put her arm around Luna to steady herself.
"Promise me we'll spend holidays playing together and I'm in," Harry said and as Luna squished them all into a hug Hermione's mellow mood evaporated and her full attention snapped back into existence.
She never had the opportunity to just have fun with outside school. She wasn't getting left out of
that! Not again! "Me too! I get to play too!" Hermione stated with almost desperate intensity and huge fearful eyes. Caught in a group hug Hermione's eyes had a devastating close range area effect and Harry's heart melted.
"Well of course you do silly," Muttered Harry and with daring he never knew he possessed he craned his neck a little and kissed Hermione on the forehead. After all, kissing was in the boyfriend requirements. It felt oddly good. The great hall was silent as the student body caught on.
Luna frowned a little as a though occurred. It was good to keep communications clear in a multi-partner relationship. At least that's what her grandmother always said. "Dibs on his virginity," Luna stated into the silence.
END OMAKE
I had more ideas, like reactions and Ron surprisingly not blowing a gasket. Bet results being exchanged, Luna dealing with fangirls and such, but I ran out of time. Perhaps later.
Beta by dogbertcarroll
MINI OMAKE
Midnight, Girl's dorm, Hogwarts.
"I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!" Hermione yelled as she sat up from being half asleep as the days events caught up to her. Lavander sighed and reached into her bed stand, glared at a smug looking Parvati and tossed her a silver piece.
"A boyfriend too, and It's Harry. Go to sleep Hermione," a sleepy voice added into the suddenly shocked silence.
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Omake by Siaru74
Part-veela to part-succubus, probably not so. She already feels pursued by all of the males and a fair number of females besides. Here's a female with a certain fixity of expression which bodes ill... Plus, she can't transform, as, the closer she comes to the birdlike full transformation, the more the succubus will think of dining in rather than eating-out.
Luna, absently dodging the next fireball, was now positively drooling. "Harry," she purred in bedroom half-whisper as her gleaming eyes went slit-pupiled, "Legs or breast?"
"Hmm?" Harry responded, being too busy dodging more fireballs to give the question proper attention.
"As big as it is, there's more than enough to share if we choose wisely."
Omake by Nights Silhouette
4th year Defense Against the Dark Arts Class:
"Professor, can you tell us what happened to your eye," Hermione requested.
"Well." Moody said, "there's an interesting story behind that, but the long and the sort of it is the Misses and I had an argument over who's turn it was to do the washing up".
"She took your eye out over washing up?" Harry inquired, a note of panic in his voice as he cast an eye in the general direction he though Luna's Arithmancy class may be.
"Yeah," replied Moody. "But damn the make-up sex was... wow," he said, a far away look in his remaining eye.
"What happened to your leg then," Ron blurted out, a morbid sort of fascination on his face.
"Her pet dog," Moody growled
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Some unrelated Scenes/Omake by me:
Omake: Genre Savvy ver 2
"Well, for one thing, I think it's obvious that the cup is going to spit Harry's name out," Hermione began.
"No argument here," Ron agreed. "Sorry, mate, but you've got the worst luck."
"I've got the best luck or the legions of people trying to kill me would be competent," Harry countered.
"Point," Ron laughed. "So what are we going to do about it?"
"Spend hours in the library researching a way out of it," Hermione suggested.
"Good, I'll let you take that part. I'm going to be a jealous git that does his best to ruin his friendship with 'the-boy-who-lived' in hopes that one of the conspirators will confide in me," Ron offered.
"You can't possibly think they'd be that stupid," Hermione blurted.
"Think about all the others," Harry said gently.
"You're right, Ron, but I still think we should be planning for a more competent enemy so we're not taken by surprise if and when they appear."
"We'll do that too," Ron agreed. "I'm just saying that we shouldn't ignore the stuff that only total idiots would fall for since history has shown that the opposing team is made up of total idiots."
"Agreed," Hermione sighed. "So I'm the loyal research assistant, you're a jealous git, and Harry's the dashing hero."
"Why do I always have to be the dashing hero," Harry grumbled. "Why can't I be the jealous git, or the loyal research assistant, or any one of a number of other roles for a change?"
"Cause you got typecast, mate," Ron replied. "Should have never bounced that curse off your skull if you didn't want to be a boy hero."
"I can't wait till we get out of this place and can start our careers. Maybe something safe, like treasure hunting or spell research," Harry sighed.
"Those are two of the ten most dangerous jobs in the world, Harry," Hermione pointed out.
"More dangerous than our time at Hogwarts so far?" Ron demanded.
"I withdraw my objections," Hermione said primly. "After we graduate, we all become treasure hunting spell researchers. Agreed?"
"Agreed," the boys chorused.
Addition by Dark King
"Who do you think opened the Chamber of Secrets, Harry?"
"Isn't it obvious? Ginny is the only possible candidate."
"Oi! Why are you picking on my sister?"
"Because it is bound to be somebody we trust and would never normally suspect. Ginny is the newest person to our little clique, so she is the most likely candidate. New allies are always the most likely to be the hidden mole. Unless you're avoiding cliches, but our opponents aren't that bright."
"So, follow Ginny and see what she's up to?"
"Couldn't hurt..."
Cue the diary being found before the Christmas break.
Omake: Luna's Adventures in Time
"Oh my!" Luna exclaimed.
"What is it, darling?" her mother asked.
"I seem to have gone back in time to the moments before the accident that ended your life," the girl replied. "It seems you made a small error when doing your calculations."
"I see." The woman glanced down at the paper. "Here it is, oops."
"Indeed," Luna agreed. "Might I suggest you delay your experiment for a bit?"
"Of course, darling, anything for you," her mother agreed. "I trust you came back in time for a reason?"
"Hmmmm?" Luna jerked her attention away from something particularly shiny. "Oh yes, I nearly forgot. Voldemort came back and was murdering everyone again, it was all quite unpleasant."
"I see, I imagine that would be quite unpleasant," her mother said with a nod.
"If you will excuse me, I must be off for a bit. It seems that Harry Potter, the key to defeating Voldemort, has an absolutely horrid home life."
"How awful, I suggest you deal with that situation post haste," her mother advised.
"I shall, mother," Luna agreed.
"And I shall be upstairs shagging your father while you're about it," her mother replied.
"Enjoy, mother."
"I shall, you be sure to enjoy rescuing Harry Potter."
"I shall, mother." Luna apparated to the edge of the Dursley wards and took a moment to examine them. They were quite good, she had to admit, a tweak here a nudge there and they were much better.
With a song in her kidney and an odd look on her face, the little girl skipped up to the door and jammed her finger on the doorbell. After three minutes of constant ringing, the sounds of rapidly approaching footsteps signaled that she'd gotten someone's attention.
The door swung open to reveal what must have been a walrus transfigured into human form. Poor thing must have been sick too, judging by the purple shade its skin had turned.
"What in the bloody hell do you want at this time of night!" the walrus bellowed.
"I'm just here to see Harry Potter," Luna explained, stepping past the walrus and into the house. "There's no need for you to trouble yourself on my behalf."
"Why you little!" Vernon's hands reached out to throttle the girl.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Luna warned. A spark jumped from one of her earrings and hit the man, causing him to start dancing a furious jig, complete with repeated strikes to the groin and face. They hadn't been in the original version of the hex, but Luna hadn't liked the way the arms had just folded across the chest in version number one. Version number two was, at least in her opinion, much more visually appealing.
A wave of the girl's hand ripped the cupboard door off its hinges and Luna stuck her head through the opening to examine the grubby boy within.
"Hello, I'm Luna Lovegood, your future . . ." she trailed off. Hermione had repeatedly told her that such language was not suitable in front of children. Or was it the other sort of language that wasn't suitable in front of children? The girl scratched her chin, hmmmm.
"Future what?" Harry asked.
"Friend I suppose, very good friend," Luna pronounced. "I'm here to help you."
Harry jerked his eyes from the girl to the flailing, screaming, and now heavily bruised Vernon Dursley. "You have," he said, a grin splitting his face.
"Oh my no, that's just because he was rude enough to attempt to throttle me," Luna said with a wide grin. Two more hand waves cleaned the boy and did something else. "Perhaps you could call the others?"
The other two Dursleys arrived just as Vernon collapsed into a groaning heap on the floor, the in person reminder of what magic was capable of injecting a bit of caution into Petunia.
"Thank you all for coming," Luna chirped. "I've asked you here today to explain the charm I've cast on Harry. Any damage done to him will be transferred to the lump over there." She motioned towards what she suspected was a hag fish in human form. "Any questions?"
Two blank looks met her question, Dudley's and Petunia's. Vernon was too busy wishing he was dead and Harry was much too busy enjoying the show.
"Very well, Harry, would you mind helping me with something?" Luna requested.
"What is it?" Harry asked, turning to his new best friend ever.
"I want you to know that this is going to hurt him more than it hurts you," Luna said before brutally backhanding the boy, causing the other boy across the room to squeal like a man that had canoed down the wrong river.
"Why'd you do that?" Harry demanded, a look of betrayal on his face.
"Did it hurt?" Luna prompted.
"No," Harry said, a look of wonder in his eyes.
"YES!" Dudley disagreed.
An evil look appeared on Harry's face as he pinched and twisted the skin on the back of his hand, causing Dudley to shriek.
"I wouldn't do that past tonight if I were you," Luna advised. "Much of the magic will dissipate when the sun rises. After that, only injuries caused directly or indirectly by the Dursleys will transfer." And once he got to Hogwarts, she'd cast another, similar spell, targeting a few Slytherins.
"Thanks!" Harry cheered.
"My pleasure," Luna said brightly. "Toodles." She'd visit him again in a couple days to see how he was doing, in the mean time, she had other things to get done. A time traveler's work was never done until it was.
Beta by dogbertcarroll, the Lamont Cranston of fic Authors.
Omake: Neville
Every head turned when the door was kicked in. Every jaw dropped when they saw who it was and how he was dressed.
"It's sodomy time, bitches!" Neville screamed, the boy was wearing a jock strap, a domino mask, some obscene body paint, and a pair of engineering boots. "Are you ready to . . . uh . . . there's a perfectly good explanation for this," the boy finished shyly.
"I'm sure there is," Voldemort agreed calmly. "Potter, why don't we finish this another time?"
"Yeah, I'm going to be too busy getting obliviated to have a fight to the death right now," Harry agreed.
"You see, it was Hannah's birthday and . . ." Neville stammered, trying to explain himself. "I must have burst into the wrong room and . . ."
"As will I," Voldemort said to Harry. By unspoken agreement, both of them were ignoring the shy Gryffindor.
"Why don't we pick things up next year?" Harry suggested. "Or have a big fight at the end of this one?"
"I'll owl you," Voldemort agreed. "Severus, order the boy out of the doorway so that we may leave."
AN: Thought about adding a couple similar scenes with a final scene of Neville talking to Luna, asking if he could stop because it was embarrassing and Luna telling him that Harry isn't ready to face Voldemort and that he could stop after Harry was ready and Voldemort was gone for good.
"But how long will that be?" Neville asked.
"Shouldn't be more than fifty or sixty years," Luna replied.
Omake: VENGENCE IS . . . you're not really going to . . . uh.
"I have my majority," Harry said with a cruel smile. "Do you know what that means?"
"That's right!" Dudley said brightly. "I have my majority too, so I don't have to hide anymore."
"Do you mean it, Dudders?" Vernon asked hopefully.
"I mean it, Dad," Dudley agreed, "I love you and I don't care who knows it. Let's get out of here so we can get to the consummating."
The other two severely shocked residents of the house watched the two morbidly obese men share a passionate kiss.
"I'd carry you to the car, but you're such a solid man," Vernon said with a horrific grope.
"Right back at you," Dudley replied with a grope of his own.
It was another five minutes before Petunia could fight through her horror to do what came naturally to her.
"This is all your fault, boy!" Petunia shrieked. "Of all the bloody things to do with your magic, you had to do something so sick and unnatural as that!" she sobbed. "What have I done that I deserve that?"
"I didn't do that," Harry said, fighting down the bile. "I'll admit that I did curse all three of you, but not with . . . I . . ." He swallowed. "I think I'm almost as horrified and disgusted as you are." It was Petunia's suffering that made him feel a bit better. "Dudley is incompetent at everything so I hit him with incontinence, incoherence, and hemorrhoid curses since I couldn't think of another word that began with in." He took a deep breath to soothe his rebelling stomach. "Vernon is a pustulant wart on the ass of humanity so I cursed him with: piles, pissing uncontrollably, priapism, and incontinence since I thought it would be funny."
"What did you do to me?" Petunia asked sickly.
"You're a gossip so I cursed you with: goats, gossip, and well . . . a lot of other things." He flicked his wand. "Now you're just cursed with goats and gossip. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, people will know all about you."
"And goats?"
"Have you ever been around goats before? Unpleasant smelly creatures. Now they'll follow you around." Harry glanced at his bare wrist. "Look at the time, I've got to go get my memories erased. Be never seeing you again, Aunt Petunia."
Beta by dogbertcarroll, the Batman of Betas.
Omake: Knows 'is own strength.
"Step outside, 'arrie," Hagrid ordered. He waited till the boy was out of sight before bringing a massive hand to rest on Vernon's shoulder, the other closed on the man's skull. "You know, all ah'd have to do was squeeze." He tightened his grip. "Don't know that anyone would care if I did, wouldn't harm the blood protection any, no reason not to."
"Please," Vernon squeaked.
"Don't think I didn't notice how Harry favored his side, don't think I didn't notice his scars," Hagrid growled. "Don't think I'd miss a wink of sleep." His stare bored through Vernon's skull. "Nothing to say, 'tunia?"
"Please don't," she sobbed.
"Only one thing that's keeping your husband alive right now and that's the fact that I don't want to 'ave to clean blood off my hand, be hard to keep little 'arry from noticing," Hagrid said calmly, loosening his grip a bit. One quick twist snapped Vernon's neck, ending the man's life. "Oops, guess I don't know me
own strength sometimes," Hagrid said calmly.
dogbertcarroll
Omake: Pawns of Prophecy
Sybil staggered into the Great Hall and began to speak. "The web of prophecy has been broken and an old hero must step to the fore. The leader of the light, proponent of the greater good shall have the power the Dark Lord knows from his days in the Slytherin Common room. The leader of light shall bugger the Dark Lord to death as the seventh month dies, and if that doesn't work maybe some Auror will kill the bastard." Sybil seemed to regain her senses. "Oh my, whatever has happened?"
"Nothing you need concern yourself with," Dumbledore said with a wide grin on his face, now there was a prophecy he could get behind. "Severus, I think you know what potions I need you to brew."
Luna grinned, maybe she could ask her Aunty Sybil to 'prophecize' a certain boy with a mutilated forehead asking an unnamed blonde Ravenclaw out on a date? No, she decided, much better to make things so obvious that even Ron could figure it out. Wouldn't do to have Harry ask the wrong blonde out.
IIIIIIIIII
Sybil cleared her throat, unfocused her eyes, stood, and began speaking in what her beloved niece called her 'spooky prophecy voice,' "the one with the lightening bolt scar on his forehead in Gryffindor that is the son of James and Lily Potter should be advised that there is a perky blonde Ravenclaw named Luna Lovegood that he should ask out on a date." She took in a breath. "Bad things would happen if he didn't, he was once the subject of a nastier prophecy and it wouldn't be difficult to make him the subject of an even nastier prophecy." She paused to think about the next line. "One that involves castration if he hurts Luna Lovegood in any way." She wiped off the dazed look and glanced around. "Oh my, what just happened? It feels just like it did the other day."
"I didn't notice anything," Dumbledore said innocently, "did anyone notice anything?"
"The prophecy she just gave?" Ron asked hesitantly. "Um, everyone else heard that, didn't they?"
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Omake: Courage
"What is it?" Deloris snapped.
"I . . . I just wanted to tell you that we all understand how brave you are for taking the defense job," Neville stammered.
"What?" she gave him an odd look.
"Well . . . it's just . . . you know what happened to the other Defense Professors, don't you?" Neville looked like he'd rather be anyplace else at the moment. "We figured that's why you took the job, to put an end to all that."
"What happened to them?" the toad faced woman demanded.
Um . . . Harry burned the first one to death, oblivated the second, turned the third into a werewolf, had the fourth replaced by a polyjuiced death eater and then had the death eater kissed, and it's rumored he's done loads of other stuff." Neville reached over to take the woman's hand. "I'd never be able to do what you're doing. Death is one thing, but some of the things Harry's done?" He shivered. "But I'm sure you'll survive and get enough evidence to finally stop him. We knew the Ministry would step in, we just knew it!"
"That really happened to all of them?" Umbridge looked a bit nervous.
"And you took the job despite the fact that the best you could hope for was being turned into a werewolf," Neville agreed. "I also heard that Harry tried to feed Professor Snape to it after the transformation, but no one knows for sure. Just know that all of us are rooting for you, Professor."
"Um . . ."
"Could I have an autograph?" Neville persisted. "And a photo? I'm sure you'll be able to survive the year, but if you don't, well . . . I'd really like to have a memento of the bravest women I've ever met."
"Not right now," Deloris hustled the boy out of her room. "I just remembered that I need to floo the Minister."
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Omake: Predictable
"The new DADA professor is possessed by Voldemort and trying to kill Harry Potter!" Aurora wheezed.
"Again?" Flitwick groaned.
"Pay up," Minerva chuckled, collecting her winnings.
"This never would have happened if you'd have given me the job," Snape grumbled.
"Aren't you going to do something?" Aurora demanded.
"Alas, we cannot," Dumbledore sighed. "He has tenure."
"I've been working here for five years and I don't have tenure." Aurora was outraged. "How come he gets it before the term even starts?"
"It's one of the conditions demanded by most applicants before they'll even consider taking the job," Dumbledore explained.
"So there's nothing we can do about it?" Aurora asked.
"I didn't say that," Dumbledore replied, eyes twinkling like mad. "Minerva, would you be so good as to have a quiet word with Mr. Potter before the feast?"
"Of course, Albus," Minerva agreed.
"Thank you, Minerva," Dumbledore replied. "Now then, does anyone have any suggestions for our next Defense Professor?"
IIIIIIIIII
"Eek!" Snape squealed, dodging the curse. It was an impressive display of athleticism which, while allowing him to avoid one attack, placed him into the path of several more.
"Mr. Potter, what are you doing?" Minerva demanded.
"But you said one of the Professors was going to kill me this year and suggested that it might be a good idea to be a bit preemptive," Harry replied, confusion coloring his features.
"Not him." Minerva waved at the moaning man. "Him!" She pointed at the Voldemort possessed Professor.
"Well of course he is," Harry agreed.
"Hogwarts tradition," Hermione piped up.
"But not till the end of the year," Harry continued. He turned to the professor. "May fifteenth work for you?"
AN: Got the idea for this scene from Sarah1281's story "When In Doubt, Obliviate"
Beta by dogbertcarroll – but you already knew that, didn't you.
AN: Wondergirl
"Thanks, Luna, you saved me," Harry panted.
"I'm not Luna," the masked girl informed him. "I'm . . . uh . . . Wondergirl, defender of cute boys."
"Okay," Harry agreed.
"Speaking of Luna, I've been reliably told that she could suck a golf ball through six feet of garden hose," Masked Luna continued
"Really?"
"Yes, and her breasts are the most perky you'll find at Hogwarts."
"Good to know, but why are you telling me all this?"
"Just making conversation."
AN: It's Wondergirl, and her never ending quest to get her alter ego laid
Omake: Cuttin me own throat.
"And this is enchanted not to hurt anyone from the Malfoy family?" Draco demanded, admiring his new blade.
"Of course," Luna agreed. "Try chopping off one of your hands with it."
With an arrogant grin, Draco braced his arm against the table, swung his sword, and neatly severed his left arm.
"Arrrrrrgggg!" he squealed, trying to stem the blood spurting out of his new stump.
"Or did I enchant it to only hurt Malfoys?" Luna mused, ignoring the screaming boy. "I really need to learn to be more focused about these things. Oh well, no one can say Luna Lovegood doesn't own up to her mistakes. I'll let you have the blade for ten percent less than if I hadn't made that mistake, a better deal you won't find and that's cuttin me own throat."
AN: Inspired by slicerness
Omake: Absentee Parents
"Yes?" Harry answered the door. His eyebrow raised when he saw two familiar looking people on his doorstep.
"It's us," the man said.
"We're back," the woman agreed, eyes gleaming.
"Uh huh." Harry's eyes were flat. "Just because you look a bit like my parents, doesn't mean I'm going to give you any money. Now bugger off!" With that, Harry slammed the door on the two idiots who'd darkened his door. It was depressing how used to this sort of thing he was getting since he'd defeated Voldemort. 'Maybe I should think about moving to another country?' he mused to himself.
Hoping that he'd seen the last of the two on the step, Harry retreated into his flat to make himself breakfast. As things would have it, he hadn't.
"You don't understand," the woman who bore a striking resemblance to his departed mum said as she accosted him on his way out after he'd eaten. "Dumbledore said that we had to send you to Petunia, otherwise you wouldn't have been strong enough to defeat 'you-know-who' and he'd triumph."
"This is getting tiresome," Harry sighed. "Tell you what, if you and your accomplice agree to leave me alone, I won't have you both arrested. Understand?"
"We really are your parents," the woman said, tears in her eyes.
"You expect me to believe that any parent would be willing to send their child to spend their life in an abusive home?" Harry laughed. "I'm sure that mine weren't saints, but there's no way they were the monsters you're pretending they are."
The woman reacted like he'd struck her. With a shrug, Harry turned away and began whistling a jaunty tune.
The husband accosted him on the way back from the store.
"Call the Aurors!" the man demanded.
"What?" Harry glanced at the annoyance.
"Call the Aurors and one of three things will happen. The first is that they'll cart us off and you'll never see us again because we'll be in jail, the second is that they'll cart us off and you'll never see us again because we'll be placed in a hospital for the incurably insane, the third is that they'll prove we're telling the truth and that we are your parents."
"Fine, wait somewhere they can find you," Harry requested. He'd make that floo call as soon as he got home and he'd hopefully get at least a couple days of peace before the next batch of nut jobs arrived.
Three hours later, there was another knock on his door. The idiots had returned and they had two very nervous Aurors with them.
"There some reason you brought them here?" Harry asked flatly.
Tonks winced at the look in Harry's eyes. This was not going to be good at all. "I think Shack would be the one to tell you," she said nervously.
"Every test we have shows that they are who they say they are," Shack said tonelessly.
"I see. Did you try veritaserum?"
"We did," Tonks agreed.
"Which proves that they believe what they're saying," Harry continued, "what about . . ."
"Right down to testing the DNA," Shack interrupted.
"Hermione invented a new spell for us last week," Tonks explained.
"A few possibilities present themselves," Harry began. "The first is that you made a mistake, the second is that they tricked you, the third is that you're with them, the fourth is that my parents are monsters. In any case, I don't wish to see them again. If there's nothing else?" He glanced around. "Good day."
He closed the door and started to walk away when some idiot began pounding on it. "What?"
"What do you mean you don't want to see us again?" the man demanded.
"We'll play the devil's advocate, shall we?" Harry asked, his voice hard as flint. "If you're telling the truth it means that my parents cared so little for me that they abandoned me with the Dursley family, an abusive set of bigots. It also means they cared so little for my godfather that they abandoned him to Azkaban, and now they want me to smile and pretend it never happened? How would you react to people like that?"
"But . . . Dumbledore said . . ." the woman stammered.
"It was necessary," the man agreed. "Dumbledore said you'd understand and forgive us."
"Dumbledore lied about quite a few things," Harry dismissed them. "Now leave and never darken my door again."
Harry started to close the door, only to have the man block it with his foot. "We're not leaving until you listen to us," the man growled.
"Tonks, if his foot isn't out of my house by the count of ten, I'm going to kill him as an illegal trespasser, do you understand?"
This prompted a gasp from the woman and nervous looks to appear on the Aurors' faces.
"I understand, Harry," the woman agreed. She stunned the man and pulled him into the hall.
Harry put a silencing charm on his door and walked to the fireplace to make a call. He had a favor to ask and a friend to contact.
It was two weeks of constant harassment before Hermione was able to get back to him with a progress report and another week after Luna joined the project that the two were able to report that they'd managed to fulfill his request. It was time to have another meeting with the nuts.
"Harry," the woman sobbed, "I knew you'd come around!"
"We Potters may get angry, but the rage burns out pretty quick," the man said proudly.
"You misunderstand," Harry interjected. "I invited you here because I needed you for something. You see, I've grown rather tired of your actions so I asked a couple friends to help me find a way around it since the Ministry was its usual useless self."
"Find a way . . ." The woman paled.
"Let's not do anything we're going to regret later, son," the man said.
"I have a charm here that will make me invisible to you and only you, oddly enough it will do the same in reverse. Not only that, I won't be able to hear you, to touch you, to smell you, again the same will happen in reverse. You won't be able to have others pass communications on to me since the second they're in my presence, they'll be unable to utter a word regarding you and neither you nor anything from you will be able to come within ten meters of me. I'll have my peace and you'll be forced to bugger off and bother someone else."
"You can't do this to us," the woman sobbed, "do you realize how hard it was to give you up?"
"I've always maintained that you two are not my parents and if that's the case, I don't see how this harms you much," Harry began.
"But we are!" the man insisted.
"And if that's the case and you really do wish to get to know me, the son you threw away, then let the punishment fit the crime," Harry intoned. "If you are my parents, know that I hate you, I loathe you, I wish you nothing but ill, I wish you to know nothing but pain since that's all I knew at the place you abandoned me!" With that, Harry triggered the spell and went back to his quiet life.
AN: Not too fond of the hidden parents story line that some people like to play with.
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Omake: Dobby Protects
Harry frowned as he watched the his blonde friend skip off. To say he wasn't pleased by the picture that was forming in his mind was an understatement, but what to do about it?
"Dobby!" Harry called out.
"Yes, Harry Potter sir?" the little elf replied.
"Could you do me a favor?"
"What is it, Harry Potter sir?" he asked intently.
"I've heard that Luna's dorm mates don't treat her the best," Harry confided. "Could you look after her? I can't get into Ravenclaw tower."
"Dobby can look after Harry Potter sir's Loveygood," the elf agreed. "Does Harry Potter sir wish Dobby to watch his other friends?"
"I'd appreciate it," Harry agreed. "Thank you, Dobby."
"Dobby is happy to be of service, Harry Potter sir."
Harry promptly forgot about his request. He had other things on his mind, besides, what could a house elf do?
He didn't think much of it when he learned that two of Luna's dorm mates had fallen down a stair case and broken several bones, it didn't seem relevant. It was Hogwarts, a place where accidents happened with depressing regularity. It never occurred to the boy that his experiences at the school were far from the norm.
On the up side, Luna's life at Hogwarts became much more pleasant when word got around that accidents befell any who tormented her. On a minus, it caused her to attract attention to the wrong sort since the victims of those accidents, rotten as they were, often came from larger families.
Luna awoke to find herself surrounded by masked figures. It appeared that she'd been kidnapped by death eaters. This was going to play hell with her day. A slight frown appeared on the girl's face, this had better not make her late to her runes class.
"Good afternoon, Uncle Lucius," Luna said calmly. "Should I assume that you murdered father?"
"Not yet," the lead figure removed his mask. "I thought I'd leave your desecrated corpse on the doorstep as a present to my dear brother in law."
"I see." Luna cocked her head. "I take it your plans were gang rape followed by torture and murder?"
"They are," Lucius agreed. "I'd normally start things off myself since we're family, but it's Michael's initiation so he has the honor." Lucius put his hand on the shoulder of a smaller death eater.
"I'm afraid that doesn't work for me," Luna replied. "You see, I belong to Harry Potter. That means he has exclusive sexual rights to my body." She paused. "Unless of course he decides to bring in another girl, I can't say that I'm adverse to the notion, or any other thing that might make him happy," she admitted, eyes glazing as she went to her happy place for a bit. "So I'm afraid that your plans are going to have to be changed. Perhaps Draco would like to take my place, at least for the first bit?" She did owe the boy for her seventh birthday after all, what better way to pay it back?
"You act as if you had a choice in all this," Lucius laughed. "I think we'll let Peter go second, I'm sure your dear Potter will be thrilled by that."
A loud bang caused the room to shake and dust to fall from the rafters.
"What was that?" Peter simpered.
"He's heeeere," Luna giggled. "One two, Dobby's coming for you. Three four, better lock the door."
"Shut that bitch up," Lucius ordered.
"You're all gonna diiieeee," Luna sang.
"Dobby is sorry he took so long, Ms. Loveygood," the little elf apologized.
"You got here before they managed to steal something that belongs to Harry," Luna replied.
"Av. . ."
Without looking, Dobby banished a chair into his former master, shattering the man's skull.
"Harry would probably be pleased if you took the one named Peter alive," Luna advised. "They seemed to think that it would displease Harry to learn that I was forced to service him, so I believe that Harry may wish to deal with the man himself."
"Yes, Ms. Loveygood," Dobby agreed. "What about the rest?"
"I do not believe that Harry would like for any of them to leave this room alive," the girl said.
"Dobby understands, Ms. Loveygood," the little elf agreed. Around the room pieces of furniture rose to float in the air. "Which one is Peter?"
"I am!" Peter squealed, willing risk a probable death in the future as opposed to a certain death in the present.
AN: Had intended to do something more with this, just never got around to it. It's been mentioned that the title would better fit a fic about Dobby-the god emperor of mankind, can't say I disagree.
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Addition by ubereng
"Dobby noes that this one is Peter, because he used to hang around The Great Harry Potter's weezy.
"But Dobby is confused about why he'd want Loonygood. Dobby noes that Peter spent the last 14 years sleeping with little boys."
Omake! By slickrcbd
"No, he's named Dick. I'm Peter!" screamed one of the smarter Death Eaters
"Nice try, Amacus, but I'm Peter!" yelled another one
"No, I'm Peter!"
Dobby went about killing the ones who were still resisting, soon all the remaining Death Eaters started claiming to be named Peter.
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Addition by: daenerys5539
"Dobby understands, Ms. Loveygood," the little elf agreed. Around the room pieces of furniture rose to float in the air. "Which one is Peter?"
There was a moment of silence as the Death Eaters looked at Lucius remains, the abundance of ready missiles already aimed at each individually.
"I am!" The chorus of replies came rapidly.
Addition by Dark King
"You're all gonna diiieeee," Luna sang.
The door exploded as an outraged house elf burst through it.
"Heeeeeeeeeeere's Dobby!" it growled. The assembled Death Eaters didn't notice the fire axe gripped in the elf's hands.
Final AN: Just another chapter of things I've swept out of my HD.
Beta by dogbertcarroll