Disclaimer: Low brow, very low brow.
Harry's Triwizard
The Head Table was strangely empty when the students trickled in that morning. Every eye turned on Harry Potter when he walked to the Headmaster's seat and produced several fireworks from his wand.
"I'm afraid the organizers of this tournament and most of the staff of the three schools have come down with a nasty case of irritable bowel syndrome," Harry announced. It had been surprisingly easy to get Hermione to brew the potion for him, all he'd had to do was admit why he'd needed it. Dobby hadn't even needed a reason, having friends was great! "So I've decided to take over."
"What gives you the right to take charge?!" Draco squealed. "When my father-"
A quick spell from Harry and the twat was thrown into a wall, follow up spells from nearly every other student at Hogwarts along with several savage kicks from most of Slytherin put a quick end to that.
"And that's for being an insufferable dunder head!" Pansy growled, planting another boot in the idiot's side. "And that's for being a Malfoy!" Another boot. "And that's for having an inappropriately hot mum!" Nearly everyone lost themselves in a fantasy involving the former Black for a few minutes. "And that's for having an inappropriately hot mum!" If it was worth kicking him for once, it's worth doing it twice, that was her motto. Pansy looked around, make that a couple dozen or till her leg got too tired.
"Any other objections!" Harry asked loudly, there were none. "It's come to my attention that the former organizers were cheating. Well, I won't have that in my tournament which is why no one, not even I will know what the tasks are before they occur."
"Who will?" Cedric asked, more than willing to go with the flow after seeing what happened to Draco.
"The greatest magical artifact ever created will judge the tournament put on by one of his lesser cousins," Harry replied. "I"m talking of course about our own Sorting Hat."
Everyone watched with bated breath as Hermione appeared with the aforementioned Hat.
"Right," the Sorting Hat began. "I've got things to see and people to do, so we're gonna get this done as fast as possible. Any objections?" Wisely, there were none. "Then I pronounce the first task to be a . . . kissing contest!"
"Dibs on Fleur!" Harry said quickly, knowing a golden opportunity when he saw it and grabbing it with both hands.
"Damn you, Harry!" Cedric growled, taking Victor by the hand. "Let's get this over with."
After several minutes of heavy petting, the front runner inspiring several lines of notes from several very interested students, the Hat was ready to give its verdict.
"First place with a perfect ten points is Durmstrang's own, Victor Krum." The boy had proved to be a surprisingly good kisser, having achieved the perfect balance of tongue and groping. "Tying for second place with eight points each are Harry Potter and Fleur Delacour. Finally, with a dismal four points is Cedric Diggory who lost points for using too much tongue." And had only managed to achieve a score as high as he had through an over abundance of enthusiasm thanks to the Hufflepuff work ethic shining through.
The aforementioned Puff was much too busy trying to calm an enraged girlfriend to pay attention to his score. "But, Cho, I had to do it or I'd lose my magic to the cup."
"The Hat said kissing contest, it never said you had to partner up with one of your fellow competitors," the girl shot back, clearly unhappy with how the tournament had gone so far and that she hadn't been part of the first event.
"Right!" the Hat bellowed. "Moving right along, the second task is a . . . pissing contest! Points added for neat writing or difficult and unusual words." The Hat glanced around. "DOBBY!"
"You is calling your hattyness?" the little elf asked.
"Has the snow been applied to the grounds?"
"It has your hattyness," Dobby agreed.
"Then get out there and write me some words!" the Hat ordered.
The visibly relieved competitors returned a few minutes later and, after a quick inspection of their work, the hat was ready to dole out points.
In an impressive display of athleticism, Fleur came in first with 'Eucalyptus', scoring a perfect ten. Harry got second with nine points for the word 'Hat' after explaining that it was a tribute to the wisest and most impressive being he'd ever had the good fortune to encounter and, as a consequence, receiving five extra points for sucking up. Victor got third with five after misspelling his own name. And Cedric came in last, with another four points, having run out of material to work with half way through.
That hat's gaze swept over the room and a hush fell over the students as the waited to hear what the last task would be. "Drinking contest!" the hat declared. "Points awarded for speed, quantity, and choice. Subtracted for vomiting, unless done artistically, passing out, pissing yourself, and choosing poorly."
Harry and Fleur came close to being disqualified as their pace was visibly slowed about half way through the task in favor of giving a repeat performance of the first task. Still, they managed to score an impressive ten and nine points respectively after the Hat determined that their choice of Single Malt Scotch and Armagnac were meant to be savored. Victor lost points due to his choice of a raspberry appletini, easy on the tini giving him a measly two points for the event, and Cedric passed out after drinking a surprising amount of Professor Sprout's Patented Weed Killer. Guaranteed to put hair on your chest if it doesn't burn through your digestive tract first. Meaning, Harry and Fleur shared the victory with an impressive eighteen points each and the Triwizard tournament was over.
AN: Keep meaning to write a fic in which the only reason Pansy hangs out with Draco is as an excuse to spend time with his mother.
Beta by dogbertcarroll
Typo by aalens2002
Omake by ubereng
"That's bogus!" Ernie Macmillan cried. "None of these contests have been magical!"
"Thank you, boy," the hat replied. "You get to help us with the third and final contest; the 'moaning' contest." At this, several people groaned when they realized that the contests were: "Kissing", "Pissing", and now "Moaning".
Before anyone could object, the hat continued, "For you French bastards, that's 'Moaning', as in ' N'. 'Magic Of A Naughty Nature'. Each of our contestants will magically alter , in a non-permanent way, The best 'upgrade' wins the round."
Krum hits him with a {censored}.
Fleur does {Oh my!}.
Diggory... {That's got to hurt}.
Harry just surrounds Ernie with Ernie clones (optionally, some of them horny). Harry wins but annoys most of the audience.