Disclaimer: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity, but don't rule out malice - Heinlein's Razor
Wizards are Stupid
The second he heard about what happened to the Potters, Remus walked into the nearest bar to seek answers in the bottom of a glass. He didn't find them in the first three and was just about to try the fourth when a thought occurred. The Aurors didn't know what the traitor could do.
The werewolf threw a couple coins on the table and hurried to the Ministry to report to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
"What's this about?" the desk sergeant asked, eying the man in front of him as he tried to remember a charm that would deal with the smell of stale booze.
"It's about Black!" Remus spat.
"What about him?" the Auror demanded, all traces of his earlier boredom vanishing.
"You know he was the secret keeper, which means he's the bastard that betrayed Lily and James," Remus began.
"And?" the Auror prompted, sensing that there was more to be learned.
"And he's an unregistered animagus," Remus said, relishing the fact that he was giving the traitor a taste of his own medicine.
"What's his form?" the Auror asked with a grin.
"A dog," Remus answered with a grin. "A mangy, ugly, stupid looking dog."
"You've done a great service to your country," the Auror told Remus firmly. And he had, a greater service than he would ever know.
IIIIIIIIII
The Aurors ignored the man laughing maniacally to pounce on their target. No murdering Death Eater traitor would escape from them without paying a hefty bribe and in the case of this bastard, maybe not even then.
"Sirius Black," the lead Auror began, watching in satisfaction as his men snapped handcuffs on the cur. "We're placing you under arrest for the part you played in the murders of Lily and James Potter as well as the attempted Murder of Harry Potter. Anything to say for yourself?"
"Looks to me like the bastard's refusing to change back," one of the other Aurors sneered.
"That's just fine with me, he can just stay like that forever for all I care," the lead Auror growled. "Take him away, boys."
"We've got the memories of everyone around that doesn't register as magic," one of the other men reported.
"Right, good work." Without so much as a glance at the chuckling madman, the Aurors made their leave.
It took another hour for Sirius to stop and realize that he'd been scooped up by the muggle police who were quite understanding about the fact that he'd had a psychotic break after witnessing thirteen people die in a gas explosion. They were a bit less understanding about the fact that he was wearing a dress, but by that point he'd recovered enough to think up a couple plausible lies. It was amazing what people would let slide if you told them you'd lost a bet.
IIIIIIIIII
In Azkaban, the stray explored his new home. Bit chilly, but they gave him a bowl full of rotten fish heads three times a day and there were plenty of blankets to curl up in. Much better than the place he'd come from anyway and it wasn't like his shaggy coat and the blankets didn't let him shrug off the cold.
The dog turned around a dozen times before collapsing into a ball on his new moth eaten pile of rags, life was good.
IIIIIIIIII
Sirius left the police station wearing a new set of clothing and possessed with the nagging suspicion that he was forgetting something.
He decided to resolve things the same way he always did when he couldn't remember something, by going to the nearest pub and drinking till he didn't care.
Several drinks and a night spent behind a dumpster in a urine soaked alley later, Sirius awoke, having regained his missing knowledge.
"Laundry," he groaned. "Forgot to pick up my clothes."
The stares he got when walking into the laundry were a bit off putting. He'd have welcomed them from a tasty young witch, he did not when they came from a man that could be one of Dumbledore's contemporaries.
"What is it?" Sirius demanded.
"S-S-S-Sirius Black?" the wizard stammered. "But you're supposed to be in Azkaban!"
"If Sirius Black is in Azkaban, I must be someone else," Sirius replied reasonably. Years of pranking had taught him that there was a time and place for the truth. That time was never and the place did not exist.
"Ha, guess you're right," the wizard laughed relieved. "You just look so much like him that I- Never mind."
"I'll take it as a compliment," Sirius said with a grin. "I'm told he was quite the handsome devil."
"Not anymore, stupid bugger tried to hide in his animagus form from the Aurors. Lucky thing they got warned about it first, 'eh?"
"That blackguard was an animagus?!" Sirius exclaimed in shock.
"An ugly mangy mutt," the wizard agreed. "They've decided to lock the bugger in Azkaban without a trial till he decides to change back. But- and you're going to love this, they also put him in a cell that won't allow him to transfigure himself back to human. He'll spend the rest of his life as an animal."
"Nothing less than he deserves for what he did," Sirius said grandly. "Um, what did he do?"
"Betrayed the Potters, killed Peter Pettigrew and a street full of muggles."
"How did he betray the Potters?" Sirius asked.
"He was their secret keeper, he's the only one that could have told 'You-Know-Who' where they were."
"I heard that Peter was the secret keeper," Sirius mumbled.
"What sort of idiot would have chosen that weak willed poor excuse for a squib?" the wizard laughed. "Only a complete buffoon would even suggest it."
"In hindsight, I can't argue with that," Sirius sighed. "Back to the matter at hand, I'm here to pick up some clothes I dropped off the other day."
"Name?"
"Siri . . . uh . . ."
"Siriuh?" The wizard repeated. "Doesn't look like I have anything of yours."
"Check under Sirius Black, you confused me for him when I came in, so maybe the same thing happened before."
"Good thinking." The Wizard ducked into the back and returned with a small parcel. "Here it is, and have a good day."
"You too," Sirius replied, pocketing his package. "Left the stove on!" he exclaimed. That's what he was forgetting. He turned the corner and saw what looked like a hundred Aurors going into the building that held his flat. On second thought, he was sure that they'd be responsible enough to make sure the stove was off and that he should be elsewhere, like out of the country elsewhere.
"Nude beaches here I come!" Sirius cheered.
IIIIIIIIII
Bellatrix stared through the bars into the cell that held her cousin, envy filling every fiber of her being as she watched the man who she'd thought a blood traitor. If only she were more flexible.
Upon noticing that he was the center of attention, 'Sirius' stopped licking his genitals to inspect the other prisoners. "Woof," he said in reply before getting back to work.
Bella sighed, at least she had plenty of time to work on her flexibility. It made her even more envious when she saw that the dementors had no effect on her cousin when he was doing that. The sheer brilliance of the man to be able to figure out how to create happy memories while the dementors were removing them made her double her efforts.
IIIIIIIIII
Sirius murmured in contentment as the girl he'd picked up settled into his arms for a bit of post coital cuddling.
"Just me and my godson now," Sirius sighed, "the two of us against the world now that James and Lils are gone, Peter's a traitor, and Remmy would turn me into the cops."
"That's so sad," the girl said, tears in her eyes. "Where's your godson now?"
"He's . . ." Sirius paused, that was a very good question. "Some place safe." One he'd have to look into at his earliest opportunity.
"Is there anything I can do that will make you feel better?" she asked.
"You know that thing you said you would never do when I asked earlier?" he asked hopefully. Harry was probably fine, it couldn't hurt to wait a few hours.
"Well . . . I suppose once won't hurt," she agreed with a wicked grin.
"Of course not," Sirius agreed.
Just one time led to another and another until nearly two weeks had passed and a severely dehydrated Sirius Black bid a fond farewell to his companion as he went off to check on his godson.
It didn't take long to find the lad, hell an emaciated prisoner freshly escaped from Azkaban after spending a decade for a crime he didn't commit could have done it. What he found was an affront to good society and enraged the man almost beyond belief.
Sirius gathered up his godson and shot a look of profound disgust at the Dursley family.
"He's your flesh and blood, your last living relative and you treat him like this?" Sirius growled. "Pray that neither of us darkens your doorstep again, for if we do, you will die!" He slammed the door behind him, leaving a frightened and relieved Dursley family behind.
The door opened a few seconds later to readmit Sirius, prompting Vernon to emit a girlish squeal before the large man passed out.
"He needs to be changed," Sirius explained. "You do that and I'm willing to forget about that promise I made to kill your entire family."
"Give him here," Petunia grumbled. Men were all the same, bloody useless when it came to dealing with children.
"You wouldn't mind if I dropped by every time he needs changing would you?" Sirius asked hopefully. "Just until he learns to change himself or whatever it is that babies do?"
The years passed and Harry had a happy, if unusual childhood raised by Sirius and the endless stream of loose women in a number of exotic, clothing optional locations around the world.
Finally, on the eve of the boy's eleventh birthday, the traditional date of a young wizard's acceptance letter, Sirius took his godson aside for a little talk.
"Is this about sex?" Harry prompted.
"Don't you already know about it?" Sirius asked, shocked by the question.
"Loads," Harry agreed. "But we've never talked about it."
"Ah, no, was planning to have that conversation with you after you were old enough to put it ta use," Sirius replied.
"Oh . . . so . . ."
"Harry, yer mum made me promise to teach you a few things if she didn't make it. To help with that, she drew up a list of rules and forced me to memorize them so I could force you to memorize them," Sirius began.
"You've forgotten them, haven't you?" the child asked, having instinctively known who was going to have to be the responsible one in their relationship from a very young age.
"Most of 'em," Sirius agreed. "But don't worry, most of 'em were stupid like 'don't use wealth and fame ta get inna girl's knickers' and what not. I remembered most of the important ones, well . . . the important parts of the important ones . . . one," he corrected himself. "But that's also not important. Lily's first rule was that," he cleared his throat, "Wiz . . ." He coughed a couple times and tried again in falsetto, "Wizards are stupid, really really stupid. I mean . . . you're a wizard so I guess you don't understand especially since you've been raised around such stupidity, but . . . I mean . . ."
"That's all?" the young boy asked skeptically.
"That's most of it," Sirius agreed. "Important thing to remember is that wizards are stupid."
"What about witches?"
"Goes without saying." Sirius and the boy stared at each other for a few seconds.
"All of 'em?" the boy asked.
"Most of 'em," Sirius replied.
"What was mum's second rule?" Harry asked.
"Second what now?"
"You've forgotten it!" the boy accused.
"Musta been one o'tha unimportant ones. Something about not belching at the table or not stabbing people or something silly like that." The man flicked his hand. "But that's not important, the important thing is that you'll be going ta Hogwarts soon and so long as you keep in mind that rule, a bit of common sense will let you rule the place and get away with murder, so you'll be fine. Okay?"
"Okay!" Harry agreed, a bit impressed that Sirius had managed to remember even one.
IIIIIIIIII
Meanwhile, in the land of Harry's birth and in a place that was decidedly not clothing optional, the Dursley family huddled together in a dank shack, hoping, praying, that they'd run far enough and found a hole deep enough to hide from the barrage of letters that had shattered their peaceful existence.
A knock, so powerful as to make the door rattle in its frame let them know that they had not. The first was followed by a second and a third and a fourth until finally, the frame shattered and the remains of the door flew into the room.
"Ah'm here ta give Harry his letter," the giant of a man blocking the doorway announced.
"He's not here!" Vernon wailed. "We haven't seen him for ages." Not since that odd man had stopped dropping by every time the boy had needed his nappies changed.
"Whose dat right 'der then?" the giant demanded, waving a hand at the cowering boy.
"That's my son, Dudley," Vernon replied.
"Yeh lied to the lad about his own name?!" Hagrid was incensed.
IIIIIIIIII
Sirius stared down at the beaches of Rio from their newest hotel room. Truly, he'd finally found paradise. The man let out a low whistle as a particular tasty example of the female form strode by.
"I thought you said my letter was going to come soon," Harry said loudly.
"Meh, probably takes the owl a while to fly this far, don't it? Not to mention the international date line," Sirius said, dismissing the boy's concerns. "We'll look into it in a week or two if yer letter don't arrive by then, okay?"
"Alright," Harry agreed, clearly annoyed by the lack of care the man was showing.
"We know you're magic, we know you were accepted the day you were born, and we know they'll be sending out a letter. Relax," Sirius advised, ripping his gaze away from his target. "Like I said, we'll look into it if it doesn't arrive, okay?"
"Fine," Harry agreed.
"And if all else fails, we can send you to the other place," Sirius finished.
"Does the Brazilian Academy of Tango Dancing teach magic?" Harry demanded.
"No, but it is clothing optional which puts it at least one up on Hogwarts," Sirius shot back. "Maybe even two."
IIIIIIIIII
Dudley was terrified. First a bunch of letters had arrived and driven them out of their house, then a giant man tore down the door to the shack they'd been hiding in and kidnapped him and dragged him to a horrible place filled with ugly green things.
"Key," the teller demanded.
"Got ii' 'ere somewheres," Hagrid said, searching through his many pockets. "Ere ii'is."
The goblin took the key and examined it, then examined Dudley, causing the boy to shrink into himself. "That is not Harry Potter," the goblin pronounced.
"Not 'arry?" Hagrid demanded. He eyed the fat boy for a moment. "Why of course he is, you tell him, 'arry."
"My name is Dudley Dursley and I just want to go home to my mum and dad!" the fat boy blubbered.
"Dere's gotta be some sort 'ah mistake," Hagrid said in confusion.
"I'm sure there is," the teller agreed. "You know who I usually call to sort out mistakes of this nature?"
"Who?" Hagrid asked, having a feeling that he wasn't going to like the answer.
"GUARDS!"
A dozen unsmiling goblins with sharp spears appeared, points leveled to be in a perfect position to threaten the future of the proud Hagrid name.
The teller waved the sergeant over for a hurried conversation. "Give the small one to the Ministry, move the-object-that-will-not-be-named to one of the super secret, super high security, vaults and detain the large one for questioning."
End result was that Dumbledore had to spend several long hours at Gringotts trying to convince the goblins to release his grounds keeper and Minerva got a chance to send an owl to Harry Potter rather than just charming dozens of letters to arrive at the boy's home of record, and an unnamed individual got fried a short time later when he tried to break into one of the goblins' ultra secret, ultra secure, vaults.
IIIIIIIIII
Sirius was awoken at an ungodly hour by his excited godson bursting into his bedroom without even the courtesy of an alcoholic drink for his faithful godfather.
"It came!" Harry screamed. "My letter, it finally came."
"Great, but that's no reason to wake a guy up at bloody-" He checked the clock. "Eleven in the bloody morning. Come back in a few hours when I'm awake and we can deal with it then."
"What's going on?" Sirius' latest pillow murmured.
"Nothing," Sirius replied. "Go back to sleep."
Sirius awoke a few hours later and, after a bit of late afternoon entertainment, went off in search of his godson.
IIIIIIIIII
The obliviators smiled at a job well done as they watched the boy's reunion with his parents. It was jobs like this that made them proud of their chosen career.
"What'd you make the parents think?" obliviator asked his partner.
"That he'd been off on some sort of school thing . . . and that they all needed to go on a diet and start exercising," he replied. "What'd you make the boy think?"
"That he'd been picked up by the peelers for nicking something he ought not have nicked and that he needs to go on a diet and do some exercise," he answered his partner. "Bit of a nasty bugger so I thought I'd fix it before he had a chance to get worse at that posh school they're sending him to."
"Might I suggest a pint or ten to celebrate?"
"Might I suggest that you're a bloody genius?"
The two obliviators grinned at each other before popping off to the nearest pub for some tasty and refreshing beverages.
IIIIIIIIII
It was odd to be back in Old Blighty, Sirius reflected to himself. He hadn't set foot in the land of his birth for almost a decade, not since Harry had learned to change his own diapers. He was amazed at how much things had changed. Best find a local guide, he decided to himself. Saved effort all around.
"I'm Sir . . . er . . . Cyril Black," Sirius said nervously. "Just your common, everyday, normal muggle and this is my godson. We're here to get him some magical things and I was hoping that you could help us . . . uh . . . seeing as how I'm obviously a muggle that's never been to the magical world before and so couldn't possibly secretly be a wizard or anything."
"I'd love to help," the attractive witch agreed, taking in the man's old fashion robes. Only a muggle would wear robes that had gone out of style ten years before, she thought to herself. Although, he was kinda cute in an idiotic sort of way.
"So tell me, uh . . . What was your name again?"
"I didn't give it," she said with a grin. "It's Carla."
"So tell me, Carla, do you have a gag reflex?" Sirius asked, it was important to establish a rapport and get the important questions out of the way early in a relationship.
IIIIIIIIII
Voldemort glared down at the cooling corpse of his former host. He'd told that idiot to be careful but nooo, and now his plans were delayed till he found another patsy to infect. Sometimes he wondered if being a dark lord was all it was cut out to be, maybe he'd have been happier as a tax agent or something. All the perks of being able to torture anyone you wanted without the associated risks. Something to consider anyway.
IIIIIIIIII
Things were going great, Sirius thought to himself. A couple more minutes and he'd have his plans for the day set.
"You've traveled to all those places?" Carla gasped. "That's amazing."
"Well . . . I don't want to blow my own horn, though I probability could if I tried," Sirius told the rapidly reddening witch.
"Really?" the witch squeaked.
"Care to go someplace private where you can find out for yourself?" Sirius rejoindered.
"What about your godson?" Carla murmured.
"He can take care of himself," Sirius assured the woman.
Harry cleared his throat and stuck out his hand.
"So long as he has a sack full of gold to help him pass the time," Sirius clarified, dropping it into the boy's hand. "Get your shopping done and meet me at the Leaky Cauldron."
Harry pocked the gold then glanced around till he found a likely target. A distinguished looking woman in her early to mid thirties with a miniature version of herself in tow. Perfect.
"Good afternoon," Harry greeted the woman. "I'm an adorable young boy and my guardian has just abandoned me to keep company with some random tart."
"What?" The woman looked down at him.
Harry gave her his best puppy dog look, eliciting a grin from the woman and a giggle from the girl.
"What do you want?" the woman asked, smirking down at him.
"I was hoping to convince you to accompany me on my shopping so I'd have someone along that could cast charms to keep my school things from being too much of a pain to carry," Harry said honestly. "The thought that you might be moved to buy me ice cream or something later might have also crossed my mind."
"I'm a dentist, there's no way I'm getting you or anyone anything so bad for their teeth," the woman replied, seemingly on the edge of laughter. "And I can't do magic. What now?"
"What about accompanying me?" Harry persisted.
"Why?"
"You've got a cute younger sister," Harry replied, winking at the daughter. Eliciting a blush from the girl and a snort from her mother.
"Come along then," the woman sighed. "I'm Juliet Granger and this is my daughter, Hermione."
"Pleased to meet you," Hermione said politely.
"So tell me, Hermione." Harry frowned, using Sirius' favored pick up line was probability not the best idea. "What do you like to do for fun?"
IIIIIIIIII
Voldemort found his new host superior to his old in just about every conceivable way. He was bigger, stronger, more magically powerful, and much, much stupider meaning that there was plenty of room to stretch out.
Knowing that his previous host's inept attempt to steal the stone had given Dumbledore more than enough time and warning to move the stone, he didn't even try to make a second attempt at retrieving it from Gringotts. He watched as the owl left to deliver his application. Hogwarts here he came.
IIIIIIIIII
A snap summoned the Cauldron's house elf. A bag of gold and some whispered instructions ensured that Harry would be taken care of. Carla was too good not to have a couple more rounds with.
IIIIIIIIII
Severus sneered, frowned, and sneered again. A quick glance at the book followed by another at the mirror showed that he was curling his lip a touch too much. James Potter's spawn was coming to Hogwarts and he needed to bring out his A game if he wanted to avenge himself on the little bastard.
IIIIIIIIII
Harry didn't see Sirius until it was nearly time to go to the station to catch the Hogwarts Express. When his godfather finally did emerge from his room, he was a changed man.
"I'm telling you, Harry, I think I'm in love with this thing she can do with her tongue," Sirius sighed.
"What?" The boy was shocked, he'd never heard his godfather sound so sappy before.
"I don't think I could be satisfied without it," Sirius continued. "Do you think she'd be offended if I asked her to join us so she could teach other women how to do it?"
"I don't know, Sirius," Harry replied.
"Maybe I could get her to write a manual or something," Sirius mused.
"We need to go to the station, Sirius," Harry reminded the man.
"Right," Sirius agreed. "You have everything?"
"Yeah," Harry replied.
"Well, just in case, here's a big sack of gold so you can buy anything you forgot or don't want me to know you have," Sirius stated, handing it over.
"Thank you, Sirius," Harry said.
"Are you old enough to need to know how to smuggle pornography, alcohol, and hallucinogens into Hogwarts?"
"I don't think so," Harry stated.
"Right, just let me know when you are so I can teach you. For now all you need to know is that kiestering: A, means you don't get to carry much and B, means shoving something up your bum. Forget it unless you have a patsy to do it for you and don't use any of what you got in that way. Strictly for sales and best to have your patsy sell it for you so you don't have to touch it."
"You've already told me, Sirius, remember?" Harry asked. "The border crossing where you got that guy cavity searched?"
"His own fault for having such a tasty looking wife," Sirius defended his actions. "But that's not important, the important thing is to remember that if you act confident enough you can get the average wizard to believe anything."
"Okay, Sirius," Harry agreed. "Can we go to the station now? I don't want to miss the train."
"Let's go."
AN: The rest of the fic is in fragmentary Omake form below. Just couldn't write the bits in between for one reason or another. I tried, just wouldn't flow, so I'm tossing it out into the world.
Scenes/Polish by dogbertcarroll
Ideas by
James Edmiston
Omake: The Station
Hermione had arrived at the station two hours before the suggested time and had put quite a bit of thought into picking out her car on the train. First of all, it needed to have a window that would allow her to monitor the entrance to the magical section. Second of all, it needed to be near enough to the aforementioned entrance that she'd be easily heard by anyone coming through the magical entrance. This was all because- The girl threw open the window and leaned out. "Harry, I saved us a place!" she called out. She finally had a friend and wanted to enjoy it.
"Okay, Hermione!" Harry replied.
Polish by dogbertcarroll
Omake: The Interview
After Harry kills a number of DADA professors in the first couple months:
"I was surprised to hear that so many other instructors had left to pursue other opportunities," Lockheart said with a vacant smile.
"Yes, other opportunities," Albus agreed innocently. "When can you start?"
People start suspecting that Dumbledore is using the position to get rid of his enemies, Harry demands a promise that the Professor isn't going to try to kill him before returning for year two. If they weren't so inept, he'd have been worried.
Omake: Dealing With Snape
"Goooood morning students," Snape said with a wide smile. "Who'd like to know how to make whiskey with nothing but your potions sets and some things from the kitchen?"
The students gave a mighty cheer.
"Wuuuuuuunderful," the crooked nosed man replied.
"Harry," Hermione whispered to her friend.
"Yeah, Hermione?"
"When you said you were going to take care of Snape, I didn't expect this," she said.
"What did you expect?" he asked.
"I figured you'd kill him, you know, like you've done to all those Defense Professors," she admitted.
"They all tried to kill me first. He hasn't, least I'm pretty sure he hasn't," Harry explained. "Hell, the bastard's even saved my life a time or two."
"Potter!" Snape snapped. "Your flame is too high, you're not going to get the good stuff with such high temps."
"Sorry, Professor," Harry said.
"Just don't let it happen again," Snape grumbled.
"What did you do to him?" Hermione demanded.
"Nothing much," he laughed.
"Harry," she growled.
"I hired him a hooker."
Omake: Mutually Intelligible
"But . . . I don't speak snake," Harry replied, pasting a look of honest bewilderment on his face.
"We just heard you," Ron accused.
"Ah, that wasn't snake," Harry laughed.
"Bloody well sounded like it to me," one of the other students mumbled.
"Hermione," Harry called out. "Would you mind explaining mutually intelligible languages to them?"
"It's when two people speak different languages, but the languages are close enough that they can understand each other," the girl said dutifully.
"So that wasn't snake, it was just something close to it?" Ron asked slowly.
"Bingo," Harry agreed. "Glad we've got that settled."
"If it wasn't snake, what was it?" one of the other students asked.
"And give up a secret ability that could help me fight dark wizards?" Harry asked. "Only a future dark wizard would want me to do something like that."
"None of us want to know what language that was, right guys?!" Ron demanded.
"Right!"
The mob disbursed, leaving Harry alone with his only intelligent friend.
"It's a good thing wizards are so dumb," Hermione commented.
"Makes life easier anyway," Harry agreed.
Addition by ausfinbar
Of course, this then brings to mind...
What language does he claim to speak?
I'd like to see this fleshed out and people trying to find out what language he claims to speak
"Sorry, I don't speak Mongoose...but nice try"
"It's an interesting fact that Wombat and Snake are closely related, like French and Latin. Must be because of all the Snakes in Australia"
"No, I don't speak Dragon, but like them, I have a fond preference for communicating through shadow puppets and flatulence."
"You honestly thought I could speak Bat? That's just insulting. Those little bastards have the foulest mouths anywhere. They could make a sailor blush!"
Omake: Motto
"One more word, Malfoy, and I'll show you why the Potter family motto is; Matrem tuam pedicavi," Harry growled.
Draco turned white with rage, unable to speak he nudged the girl by his side, indicating that she should give his reply.
"One more threat, Potter, and Draco will show you why the Malfoy family motto is: Noli me necare, cape omnias pecunias meas," Pansy replied with a sneer. At her side, Draco nodded with enthusiastic approval.
Omake: Invisibility
"POTTER, I'LL KILL YOU!" Draco screamed. The boy started slow but picked up speed as he charged towards his nemesis. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-" *WHAM* The boy froze for a second before crumpling to the ground.
"And you said spending three weeks learning how to conjure an invisible wall was a waste of time," Harry said smugly.
"How often is that going to be useful?" Hermione countered.
"Just this once makes it all worth it," Harry replied. "Did you see the look on his face?"
"I . . . okay, I suppose you're right," she conceded making a mental note to devote a bit of time to the subject of recording and replaying memories.
Omake: Dealing with Dementors
"It's Bellatrix, my Lord," the Death Eater said nervously.
"What about her?" Voldemort demanded.
"Azkaban has changed her, my Lord," the Death Eater said cautiously.
"In what way?" Voldemort demanded.
"Well . . . for one, she's much more flexible than she used to be."
"Show me," Voldemort ordered. The Dark Lord followed his minion down the corridor and up a flight of stairs to Bella's quarters.
"That's all she does all day," the minion said, waving at the contorted woman. "She doesn't even have any interest in torturing muggles anymore." He flinched, expecting a Crucio. "My Lord?"
"Leave us," Voldemort commanded.
"Yes, my Lord," the minion simpered.
"And have someone send up a box of tissues and some lotion," Voldemort called after the man. "The good stuff, all natural with lanolin."
Omake: Quitting
"That is it, that is bloody it!" Voldemort screamed. "I can't take it any longer, I quit!"
"What . . . what about us?" Lucius whined. "What are we supposed to do?"
"I don't give a rat's anus!" Voldemort replied. "You idiots are just going to have to find a new dark lord!"
"A new dark lord?" Flint mumbled.
"Right!" Wormtail spoke up. "Listen up you lot, I'm in charge now and what I say goes."
Either it succeeds and the Dark Lord Wormtail makes an appearance or all the Death Eaters kill each other fighting to be the next dark lord. Or possibly they place an ad in the Prophet which Sirius answers, bring me your wives commanded the dark lord padfoot.
Omake: A Second Career
"What's all this about then?" Vernon blustered as he was shown into the civil servant's office.
"Mr. Vernon Durley?" the pale man behind the desk asked.
"It's Dursley," Vernon corrected sourly.
"Of course. My name is Tom Riddle and I have a number of questions regarding these deductions you've claimed."
Omake: The Ending
Years after his transport to his wondrous new home, the grey muzzled mutt laid his head down for the last time and quietly expired. He was one of the wizarding world's greatest heroes and no one would ever know it.
AN: And that was to be the end of the fic. Fairly pleased with that part, injects a bit of seriousness into a fic filled with Siriusness.
Omake: A Reference
Hermione looked up from her book. "Did you know that the leading cause of death in Demon Lords is ruining vacations?" A frown appeared on the girl's face. "Wait, that can't be right, can it?"
Luna peaked over her friend's shoulder. "Seventh Duke of Hell Bakaranzeqexk, died horribly after interrupting a guy who just wanted to have a quiet vacation. Lord Quakafuzz of the third level, died horribly after attacking an individual who referred to himself as quote 'just a guy on vacation' end quote. Prince Karnakqzz, general of the fifteenth legion, baron of pain, duke of horror, disappeared after ruining the vacation of an unnamed and indescribable individual."
Omake by Veive
"Tell me, Harry," Dumbledore said "How did Lucius Malfoy come to be at the bottom of a stairwell with no less than five pikes and lances protruding from his corpse?"
"He tripped, sir."
"When did he trip, Harry?"
"After I left your office to return Tom Riddle's diary, sir."
"I See, Harry." Dumbledore's Eyes Twinkled™. "And how did he trip?"
"He tripped over his cape and fell over the railing on the 7th floor balcony down the Hall from your office."
"I see, and how did the suits of armor come to fall on top of him?"
"They flew off of the balcony after Mr. Malfoy, I suspect he latched onto them with accidental magic."
"Harry, I was not aware of any suits of armor in the 7th floor hallway nor on the balcony," Dumbledore replied gravely.
"I think they were enchanted, sir," Harry replied, with utmost care to keep the laughter out of his voice and the smile off of his face.
"Enchanted, how?"
"I think they only appeared when no one was looking at them," Harry said seriously, which is not to be confused with siriusly. "I didn't see them until they flew over the railing after Mr. Malfoy."
"Ah," Dumbledore said. "That must be where Phinneas put the experimental stealth armor," he said with another Eye Twinkle™ and a nod. "Thank you, Harry. That will be all."
Harry carefully schooled his features into neutrality until he was well away from the headmaster's office.
"Wow, I guess Sirius was serious," he said to himself as he finally allowed himself to grin. "You really can get away with anything as long as you keep the first rule in mind."
Polish by dogbertcarroll