Disclaimer: Harry Potter - Retired Badass.
Student Exchange
There was no climactic battle, no clash of magical armies. The second rise of the Dark Lord ended much the same way as the first, thanks solely to Harry Potter. As with the end of the first rise, there was much rejoicing and as with the first rise, Harry Potter disappeared shortly after Voldemort was defeated.
It took Hermione nearly a month to trace her best friend. A month of sleepless nights, worry, and unthinking rage at his thoughtlessness. It is therefore quite understandable that she wasn't exactly in the best mood when she finally caught up to the unfortunate boy at a senior high school in Tokyo.
"I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to our new exchange student, Hermione Stranger," the homeroom teacher announced. "Ms. Stranger, why don't you sit behind our other exchange student, Harry Notter."
"Yes, Miss," Hermione agreed. She kept her cheerful perfect student expression on her face until she was seated. "You are in so much trouble for making me worry like that, Harry Potter," she whispered, her tone of voice promising that defenestration was the best he could hope for. "I'm going to make you pay for what you did."
The girl made a number of anatomically impossible threats to pass the time until the lunch bell rang, at which time she grabbed her best friend by the hand and dragged him to the most private place her pre-positioned wards could make.
"Do you know how worried I was about you, Harry Potter!" Hermione demanded.
"I told you I'd be fine before I left," Harry replied mildly. "Don't see what you're so worked up about."
"Since when have you ever been fine?! Name one bloody time in your life!" she growled. Her tone turned to one of worried resignation. "How many murder attempts have you survived since you've been here? Were you injured seriously in any of them?" She frisked him looking for injuries.
"None."
"What?" She stared at her best friend in shocked disbelief. "But . . . but you were here at least a week before I found you."
"Yup," he agreed. "And no murder attempts. Couple attempts to possess me and another three to drain my life energy, but none of them were directed at me specifically."
"Possess . . . drain life energy?" she repeated dumbly.
"It's what the local baddies do to the local population every day or so," Harry explained. "I talked to a representative from both sides and now they don't bother me anymore."
"That worked?" They'd never been able to find a peaceful solution to their problems at home. The girl could feel herself going into shock.
"Yep, ever since I figured out who they were and had a talk with them, there have been no more accidental attacks directed at me and there have been no targeted attacks either. Isn't that great?"
"Wait, what kind of talk?" she asked suspiciously.
"The kind where you dangle them out a window by their ankle and threaten to drop them onto the pavement five stories below if they don't agree to come around to your point of view," Harry replied. "Now all we gotta do is make sure they know that they need to leave you alone too."
"Okay, Harry," she agreed. Credible death threats sounded much more likely to work than reasoned debate.
"Come on, one of the teachers is secretly on the light side and another is on the dark. I'll introduce you."
"Alright," she agreed dumbly. The girl followed him down the hall and to a cramped office with a green-haired woman.
"Hermione, this is the guidance counselor. I think she's secretly on the light side," he introduced the woman. "Guidance counselor, this is my best friend. If anything happens to her I'll murder everyone involved in your little game, regardless of what side they're on."
"Understood." The green-haired woman shivered.
"And don't think your deaths would be quick or clean," he continued inordinately cheerful. "Your suffering would be the stuff of legends."
"I understand," the woman said quickly.
"Good, just wanted to be sure there were no misunderstandings," Harry stated. "Oh, and while you're here, could you give us a pass to skip the rest of today's classes? I've got someone else to threaten and I want to show Hermione around the school."
The woman's pen flew over a piece of paper and she thrust it into his hands after she'd stamped it.
"This doesn't have a date on it," Hermione mumbled, reading it over his shoulder.
"That way you won't have to come back here when you're through with it," the woman squeaked.
"Thanks," Harry said. "This way, Hermione."
Their next visit was to one of the gym teachers, who'd locked himself in one of the equipment rooms and had refused to do more than crack the door open wide enough to get a good look at the 'girl-who-must-not-be-harmed.'
"What did you do to him, Harry?"
"Nothing much," he replied.
"I know you, Harry Potter!"
"Vanished all the bones in his right arm, but in my defense he tried to drain my life out with it." He scratched the back of his head. "But I put 'em all back afterward, so I don't see what he has to complain about."
"Did you put them back where they were supposed to go?" she asked intently.
"Mostly, had a bit of trouble with the little ones in the hand since they're so small and fiddly," he admitted. "But it all worked out... sort of."
"Alright." Hermione sighed. She supposed that was the best she could hope for.
He led her to a counter from which two old ladies were doing a brisk business selling snacks and drinks.
"Those things are pretty good," Harry announced, pointing at some green triangles. "If you like seaweed, rice, and fish. The bread doesn't come close to matching what we had at the last school, but what do you expect with prepackaged?"
"What about the drinks?"
"One of the more popular drinks is made out of some creature's sweat," Harry stated. "Haven't tried it so I can't tell you if it's any good. The milk tastes . . . off I guess is the best way to put it. The juice is juice."
"Triangles and juice then," Hermione suggested.
"Right you are," Harry agreed. He purchased their lunch and led her up several flights of stairs to the roof. "Good view from up here." A snap of the fingers produced two plush chairs and a table. "Now then, what should we cover first?"
"Why don't you point out any other members of the two warring factions that you've managed to identify," Hermione suggested.
"The side I think is the dark side tends to use disposable monsters," Harry stated. "Um, you see those girls over by the tree?"
"Yes."
"Okay, so far as I can figure, those three girls have magical vibrators which-"
"Harry, language," she interrupted.
"I'm not the moron who decided to give a bunch of school girls enchanted vibrators, Hermione, save your indignation for the mystery pervert."
"Fine," she huffed.
"So these magical vibrators can be used to transform into a deviant fetish outfit disguise thing which everyone pretends to be fooled by for some reason. I think it's to make it less shameful to appear in public dressed the way they do, but I haven't asked everyone."
"Different cultures do have different ways of doing things," she agreed.
"The fetish outfits either give them magical attacks or they just don't use magical attacks in normal form. Haven't really looked into it."
"Alright, is it just those three?"
"There are a couple more girls running around that I haven't seen," Harry continued. "Most of them seem to use elemental attacks."
"Anyone else I need to know about?"
"Oh, almost forgot to mention that there's a wanker in a tail coat running around you need to watch out for," Harry continued. "Seems to be a bit of a skirt chaser. You might be a bit too old for him, but it's better safe than sorry."
"I'll keep that in mind, thank you, Harry."
"Also seems to have something against me for some reason," Harry continued. "Safest thing is to just curse the hell out of him if you see him, till he gets the message to stay as far away as possible."
"What did you do to him, Harry?"
"Nothing more than what he deserved," he replied a bit too quickly.
"Harry Potter, you tell me what you did this instant!" She stamped her foot for emphasis. Wisely, he chose not to share how adorable that made her look.
"Okay, it was the middle of my second night here, I'd just gotten to sleep and you have to understand that I was still pretty jet lagged."
"And?" she prompted.
"I get woken up by this bastard on my balcony giving some stupid speech about love or something. All I did was hit him with a blasting hex, don't see why he took it so personally."
"What floor do you live on?"
"Fifteenth," he said. "Which reminds me, you're welcome to my spare bedroom if you don't have anywhere better."
"Thank you, Harry, I believe I'll take you up on that offer." She sighed. "And you're right, if all you did was hit him with a blasting hex to shut him up when he was disturbing your sleep, he's got nothing to complain about."
That was one of the things he liked about Hermione, beneath that perfectly proper surface, covered in a brown sweater, lay a very nice pair... err a profoundly practical heart. "He really hates being set on fire," Harry added helpfully.
"I'll keep that in mind," she promised. "So why hide out in a school?"
"Where's the last place you'd expect to find me?" Harry asked with a raised eyebrow.
"But I did find you," she protested.
"Yes, but it's still a place you'd think to look since you're so bloody thorough. Aside from you, who knows me the best?"
"Ron, and he'd never go near a school or library if his life depended on it," Hermione conceded.
"I'm also expecting Luna to show up at some point. She always does," Harry confided. "I swear I heard someone calling her name just the other day, probably just my imagination though."
AN: Basic idea is Harry did every cliche way to build power before curb stomping Voldemort and leaving home. Master of Death? Of course. Drained Voldemort and every Death Eater of their magical powers and talents through the curse scar or something? Stands to reason. Illegal rituals to double magical strength? Why not? So after destroying Voldemort, Harry goes overseas for a quiet retirement.
Been meaning to do another version of this basic idea where he goes to another magic school that has 'the girl who didn't die' or some such, the evil charms teacher, the Headmistress with gleaming teeth that seems to know everything, etc. Harry has a grand time watching 'the girl who didn't die' in her adventures and not helping in any way. Now he understands why the sheep of the wizarding world just stood around, it's so entertaining that you're afraid you'll miss something good if you participate.
Beta/scenes/general neatening up by dogbertcarroll
Several mistakes corrected by Luan Mao
Typos by Larry F, Matt Harris
Line suggested by bruddawakaa
Mini Omake
"Oh I've got power to burn," Harry replied. "First of all, there's that whole master of death thing. Then there's all those rituals I did, oh and the fact that I drained Voldemort and all his death wankers of their magic."
Omake: Life Force
by Luan Mao
A month after Hermione moved into Harry's apartment, she found herself with her top off and hands which weren't her own roaming over her torso. She was about to suggest they move it off the couch and into her bedroom when suddenly she realized she felt too weak to stand up. She'd heard of going weak in the knees from expert kissing, but when had Harry been able to develop that kind of expertise?
"Oh, dammit, not again!" Harry yelled, standing up and pulling on his shirt. "I told them what would happen if they accidentally got me again. You can watch from the window if you want, Sweetie. It should be safe enough." And then he flung himself out the window with a scream of coitus interruptus-induced rage.
By the time Hermione had done up enough buttons that she could lean out the window without giving a free show, it was all over but the shouting. Harry was standing atop what looked like a crumpled vending machine with arms and legs. He was yelling at a petrified man wearing an excessively gaudy suit. A few words drifted up: "... again ... girlfriend ... reminder ..." And then a glowing sign appeared over the other man's head. Even from the fifteenth floor Hermione could see it read "Moron" in half a dozen languages, and it followed the man when Harry flung him at the just-arrived "light" side.
Moments later Harry was upstairs again and explaining. "The dark side makes these monsters out of whatever junk they find lying around. They suck energy out of people for some reason I never asked about. That's what you felt. When I jumped on that one, I got all of the energy it had stolen. I pushed the energy back to the regular people. Most of it; I couldn't get rid of it all."
"Talk later, Potter. Less debriefing, more, ah, debriefing."
Nine months later a blessed event occurred. Harry's excess life force had powered through two contraception charms and non-magical birth control.
Omake: An Excellent Trade
By Luan Mao
inspired by daenerys5539
A few months after Hermione tracked down Harry and threatened - er, sweet-talked - his story out of him, Luna Lovegood drifted into their lives again.
"Oh, hello, Hermione, Harry," she said in Japanese with a thick, rural Hokkaido accent. "Fancy meeting you here."
"Hello, Luna. Are you in this shop specifically to meet us or are you buying groceries?"
"Oh, groceries, of course. I've been up among the north islands, in persuit of the supposedly mythical Japanese Cranberry Snapper. The fishers' food was filling, I suppose, but limited in variety. It left me with a few cravings."
There was nothing for it but to invite their friend to stay in their apartment while she was in Tokyo. The offer was gladly accepted and she slid easily into the bedroom that had been Hermione's.
Naturally, being in Tokyo for more than an hour, Luna soon had a front-row seat to a monster beat-down. She was appalled.
"You call that fighting for love!? What kind of warriors of love and justice are you? Who trained you? What virginal amateur taught you to fight for love? I need to teach her a thing or two!"
"Uh, no one trained us. We got our henshin sticks and then just started fighting the evil-doers."
"Magical vibrators? Well, that's one thing you got right, anyway. OK, listen up! Lessons, love lessons, five nights per week. You'll learn the proper way to fight for love or my name isn't Lovegood!"
"But... homework..." said the one with short, dark hair.
"Five nights per week. Don't be late or you'll get a spanking - and not the good kind!"
Before long the residents of Tokyo noticed a change in the Pretty Guardians' monster techniques. The short-skirted uniforms didn't change except to become a bit more sheer, but there were many fewer energy blasts, which property owners were grateful for, and many more hip wiggles, graceful dance steps, and come-hither looks, which male onlookers were grateful for. The warriors for love and justice didn't attack the monsters directly so much as move on the monsters' controllers. Just minutes after the unfortunate - or fortunate - witch, Dark General, or Dark Queen had been dragged off to have unspeakable acts performed, the monsters dissolved into the junk from which they arose.
Rumors of the way the revealingly-dressed teenage warriors made moves on dark generals, dark queens, and anything else vaguely human did more for tourism than the Tokyo chamber of commerce could dream of. And the sight of the domineering foreign girl who kept the scantily-clad girls on a short leash kicked off several naughty doujinshi series.
Until one day...
"Oh my goodness! Is it? Can it be?" Luna ran up to the Monster of the Day. "It is! Oh, I must have him! How much?"
The Pretty Guardians and the Dark General of the Day looked at each other in confusion while the monster stood dejectedly, waiting for its inevitable destruction.
Minutes later, an ecstatic Luna Lovegood bounced away with the monster on a leash, having traded all of the Pretty Guardians to the Dark General. "Luna, how could you?" Minako wailed. "I don't want to be the slave of one of the bad guys!"
"Harems come and go," her former mistress replied flippantly with a flip of her /naturally/ blonde hair, "but this is the only crumple-horned snorkack I've ever found."
shenglong_2005
"Hi, Harry..." Luna Lovegood declared, "I heard you were expecting me..."
"No, Wrong Luna." Harry sighed, rubbing his nose, Luna picking up a black cat that had come to investigate.
"Ooh, You're interesting..." Luna Lovegood stated, Harry looking at the cat and muttering to someone 'Har har'.
"Luna, Will you leave me alone for five minutes?" Harry stated firmly.
"Why?" Luna Lovegood asked.
"Not you, Luna." Harry pressed.
"Yes, that's my name..." Luna Lovegood declared. Harry wondered how he'd deal with this without causing a diplomatic incident.
"The cat..." Harry hissed eventually.
"Ooh, It's called Luna as well!" Luna Lovegood cooed, "OK, I'm going to find it's owner, and see if I can keep it."
The cat's eyes rolled skyward. What was it with these magicals?
Omake For Under the Gaze of the Necromancer Odd Ideas #142
by Luan Mao - Who is totally a dude!
Based on an idea and betaed by dogbertcarroll
Omake: It Isn't Discussed
"Dirk? I, uh..."
"What's the matter, Harry? You know you can ask me anything."
"It's, uh... It's a little embarrassing..."
"Ohhhhh. I get it. You're almost fourteen and you're starting to notice girls. Aw, crap. You don't have a dad, ah, sorry about bringing it up, and you don't have anyone to give you The Talk, do you?"
"Uh, no. But-"
"It's OK. I don't have any jobs this morning, so we can do it instead of learning spells. I'll call it practice for when I have a son of my own. Now, the first thing you need to know is-"
"No! I don't need the talk, really! It's just..."
"Well? Spit it out! You're a good kid, Harry, and I'm glad to help, but you've got to tell me the problem."
"It's, um, about my relationship with the dead."
"Oh! Professional talk! I totally missed that one. Sorry, Kiddo."
"So, um... I've formed relationships with about six ghosts and a skeleton and-"
"Stop! It isn't discussed, remember?"
"Right, but, um, I think I have to."
Dirk grimaced. He knew he didn't want to hear what Harry had to say, but... "OK, go ahead. You're pretty much my apprentice. That means I have to hear you out."
"So, um, I helped one ghost with her clothes. She was a Hogwarts student when she died and her uniform was all crooked because she died in a bathroom and wasn't able to straighten it before she died and then not since."
"That sounds OK so far," Dirk said cautiously. He was glad the story was so tame. He wasn't exactly sure what he'd been expecting, but he was possibly the only necromancer who didn't have a "special relationship" with the dead. It didn't seem to have cut into his ability to do his job, so he just kept his mouth shut and nodded knowingly when one of his peers hinted at that which wasn't discussed.
"So, um... then Myrtle asked me to help her with an itch that had been bothering her for fifty years. She said she'd been a teenage girl for fifty years and, well..."
"Say no more. No, you have to say more. What's the problem? I haven't heard anything out of the usual for a necromancer. I think. It's hard to tell because it isn't discussed."
"Well, she's /cold/. Not like ice, but, you know, cold. Chilly, anyway. You deal with ghosts all the time, so you know. My, um, you-know couldn't stay... you know. So she was frustrated and I was getting frustrated and, well, you know."
"Yah, I get it." Dirk had been right the first time when he thought he didn't want to hear any of this. "I don't know any charms just for letting you, um, you know. Did you try a warming charm?"
"No, I don't think my control is good enough. I wasn't going to risk my you-know, you know?"
"Yah, I know. Um, let me get hold of my old instructor again. Maybe he'll have some ideas."
"Thanks, Dirk. I knew I could count on you. And there's no real hurry. I don't start Fourth Year for another two weeks and Myrtle can't leave the Hogwarts grounds."
A few days later, the old Master Necromancer visited Dirk's office.
"... And I didn't know what to tell him. Not to talk about things best left unsaid, but I never had that problem, myself."
Aleister Dee was stumped. In all his years working as a necromancer, training other necromancers, and mingling with his peers at NecroCon every year, he'd never heard of a necromancer having this particular difficulty in his relationship with the dead. Nor did he have personal experience.
He might possibly be the only member of the Necromancer's Guild who had never had that kind of relationship. He'd been able to accomplish all he needed to simply by forming business relationships with a few of the more clear-headed of the post-mortal. "Perhaps something like a flame-freezing spell would work, except tuned to cold rather than to fire."
"That's an idea. And if it tickles when exposed to cold, that would be good, too."
"I think it better that it not be discussed."
Dirk passed along the spell his old master invented and before long Harry found himself back at school. Within a few days his owl brought the necromancer a note. "Dear Dirk. Thanks for the help. Please thank Master Dee for the cold-freezing spell. Myrtle's happy. Really, really happy. And I'm - Well, it's not discussed, but I'm learning a lot and I can feel that I'm getting more powerful. More relaxed, too. Also, Myrtle said she has some friends and they can do her some favors in exchange for her sending them to me and that's good for me, right, because I'm having relationships with more of the dead. And Myrtle said that she can share some of the favors from the other ghosts with me. I think that's good business but I'm getting myself confused. If this isn't something that isn't discussed, I'd appreciate some advice. I'll see you during the winter break. Thanks again, - Harry"
Dirk accompanied Aleister Dee to NecroCon that year. It was the first time he'd managed to attend. Previously he hadn't had enough business to be able to afford to go, but now he had an established business and even had a part-time apprentice of his own. The panel discussions and the presentations were just as informative as the up-and-coming necromancer had hoped, but the talk over drinks the last night was the most eye-opening.
"My apprentice, I'll call him Perry, was having trouble developing his relationships with the dead. It's not to be discussed, but I'll hint around it in case any of your apprentices ever have the same problem. Perry was unable to fully develop his relationships because the cold kept him from fully functioning, if you know what I mean. Master Dee developed a spell to help with the cold and now Harry - I mean, Perry - has more, more frequent, and stronger relationships than any necromancer I've ever heard of."
"He actually got it on with a ghost?!" one of the others exclaimed. Probably the beer had loosened his tongue enough to discuss that which was never discussed. "I never went that far. I just listened when they wanted to complain about their lives."
"Me, too!" another chimed in. "Here I was wondering what I was doing wrong when I wasn't even interested in any of the dead that way. I couldn't ask any of you about it because it isn't discussed, but I couldn't help but wonder."
The assembled necromancers all looked at one another, feeling varying degrees of embarrassment. "I move we never speak of this," moved Aleister Dee.