Disclaimer: Just a couple random Omake

Gringottts That's the Life For Me

(There's Security Trolls, and a Library)

Omake: Adventure That's the Life For Me

Hermione was relaxing with an Artamène ou le Grand Cyrus in original seventeenth century French when she heard a tap on the window. With a sigh for the headache she knew she'd have at some point in the next five minutes, she opened it to let in a smiling Lovegood.

"Hello, Hermione," Luna chirped.

"Hello, Luna. What are you doing here?"

"Well, I decided the perfect beginning for the summer would be to kidnap Harry."

"Kidnap Harry?" Hermione asked dully.

"For a summer of adventure and sex," Luna agreed. "I thought you might be interested in joining."

"That's it, I'm flooing Dumbledore."

"I wish you wouldn't."

"Too bad."

"Oh well," Luna sighed. "I suppose it was a nice plan while it lasted."

"You're giving up, just like that?"

"Just like that," Luna agreed. "The biggest disappointment isn't the loss of the sex, I'm sure I can convince Harry to supply me with as much of that as I care to once the school year starts, it's the fact that I won't be able to see the look on his face when he walks into the Great Library of Alexandria."

"The Great Library of Alexandria?" Hermione asked, voice hushed in awe. "I thought it was just a myth."

"Oh no," Luna replied. "We did an article on it complete with pictures from our visit."

"You've actually been there?"

"Several times," Luna agreed. "Where do you think we get all the information on the animals we put in the Quibbler? You'd be shocked at the rare knowledge you can acquire there."

"I thought . . ."

"Not that it matters since you're planning to alert Dumbledore to my plan. Why, I may not even get a chance to visit myself this summer, let alone all the other libraries I was planning to work into the itinerary."

"All the other libraries?" Hermione echoed faintly.

"Where else would we get ideas on the best adventures to have or the best sexual positions to try out?" Luna asked rhetorically. "Such a shame, such an utter shame that you're so against the idea that you're going to inform Dumbledore."

"Perhaps I was being a bit hasty when I said that," Hermione said thoughtfully. "I mean, it's not like going on crazy life threatening adventures is anything new."

"Probably safer than an average year at Hogwarts," Luna supplied helpfully.

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. "And it's not like Dumbledore needs to know every little detail of Harry's life."

"I couldn't agree more, Hermione. Does this mean you've changed your mind?"

"Why don't you tell me the first stage of your plan to rescue Harry while I pack a few things for the trip and write a note for my parents?"

By Veive

Bit of an omake.

"Why don't you tell me the first stage of your plan to rescue Harry while I pack a few things for the trip and write a note for my parents?" Hermione said over the deafening scratch of pen on paper.

"Well, I thought we'd start by using these untraceable wands to subdue Harry's relatives and then have sex with him a few times to cheer him up and start increasing his stamina before we make our escape."

"Seems reasonable." Hermione's voice mused from the closet as an assortment of ropes, whips and lingerie was tossed from her closet. "Have you made arrangements to ensure that we don't arouse suspicion?"

"I've procured untraceable wands." Luna said brightly, offering three such objects for inspection.

"Hmm," Hermione mused as she selected one of the wands and gave it a twirl.
"What should actions should be taken with the wands in order to prevent various interested factions from discovering that parties unknown have abducted Harry?" She asked.

"I don't know." Luna said with a bright smile. "I'm no good with that sort of planning, I always miss the little details." She explained. "That's why I came to you, I miss the little details while you get caught up in them and miss the broader situation, so if we work together it will be perfect."

Hermione considered that for a moment, and then simply flicked her new wand.

"I think we should set fire to the house when we're done." She said simply. Luna gaped. "Really?"

Hermione nodded. "The people who live there kept Harry locked in a cupboard for years, when he got too big they locked him in a room with bars on the windows and fed him through a cat flap, we know that the house is watched by people who work for the Headmaster, and at least some of those people work for the government as well; the whole reason that they watch the house is under the premise that it needs security so if we presume that they are right it's reasonable to think that people who want to hurt Harry may know where it is as well." She explained as she watched a tub of whipped cream, a tub of frosting, a jar of honey, and a bottle of chocolate syrup float through her bedroom doorway and arrange themselves neatly between her fishnet stockings and her coil of silk rope.

Luna contemplated that for a moment. "Arson sounds lovely." She decided aloud. "Shall we get started?"

"Yes" Hermione agreed decisively as she closed her trunk and snapped the clasp shut.

End omake.

Omake: Gringotts Disposal Service

The scion of the Malfoy family entered the Headmaster's office with the sort of caution normally associated with that shown by soldiers entering enemy territory. That's what he was after all, and that's what he was doing.

"You wanted to speak with me, sir?" Draco asked, sounding a lot more polite than any who had the pleasure of dealing with him on a daily basis would suspect.

"Yes, come in," Dumbledore said brightly. "Lemon drop?"

"No thank you, sir."

"You're likely wondering why I asked you here today, wonder no longer; it's to finally tell you the truth." Dumbledore's grin widened. "Let me ask you to consider the night Voldemort was defeated and put yourself in my place. I had the infant savior of the wizarding world, a boy who'd no doubt be instrumental in defeating Voldemort for good upon his certain return, I also had to deal with the fact that our society is incredibly corrupt and any Death Eaters with the means and desire to do so would bribe their way out of prison."

The old man stood up and turned to look out the window. "I knew the child would never survive to reach Hogwarts if I kept him in the wizarding world under his own name. I also knew what a crime it would be to deprive any wizarding child of the privilege of growing up in the wizarding world."

"It'd be horrible," Draco agreed, sounding sick at the thought.

"The obvious solution would be to hide the boy under another identity, but where and how? I couldn't just have a child of the same age pop up somewhere, the ruse would be discovered immediately. The solution was clear, I needed to switch him with another child and condemn that child to a fate worse than death."

"I . . ." Draco's eyes widened in shock as his brain processed what the old man had just admitted to him.

"So who was to be my victim?" Dumbledore nodded. "I thought you might wonder that. The criteria I settled on were simple; they had to be a dark family as I couldn't ask one of my followers to make such a sacrifice and I could sooth my guilt by telling myself that I was merely helping them pay back some of their debt to society. It had to be a family of means as the future savior of the wizarding world should want for nothing. Finally, it had to be a blood relation. You are a Black through your grandmother, Harry, which is why I chose to switch you with young Mr. Malfoy who is related through his mother."

"What?" Draco squeaked.

"You had to suspect, Harry," Dumbledore said with a knowing smile. "The way I Severus and I do our best to ensure you're not punished while at the same time slapping down Mr. Malfoy every time the little snot gets too uppity."

"I . . . . what?"

"Oh, how I wish we had a few hours to spare to talk about all the fun we had. No, the reason I called you here is too important to waste even a moment longer. Young Mr. Malfoy is going to the bank to claim the Black Fortune, something possible due to the fact that he is, as I mentioned, related to the Black Family on his mother's side. Harry, you must get to the bank first. It is imperative that you do so, then you must state that you wish to claim the Potter and Black fortunes for yourself." Dumbledore leaned back in his chair. "Neatly depriving Mr. Malfoy of his goal."

"You want me to go to Gringotts and claim . . . what about the protections?"

"We may have changed your outward appearance, but your blood remembers who you really are. Trust me, Harry, I would never ask you to do this if there were even the slightest chance of harm coming to you."

The old man reached under his desk and pulled out a rancid worm eaten old sock. "Take this, it's a portkey to Gringotts' Lobby. Go!"

"But-"

"We're running out of time," Dumbledore said urgently. "Harry, if you don't want the dark to gain the Black fortune you must leave now, the wards just informed me that Mr. Malfoy is about to leave the school grounds."

Still bearing a look of profound confusion on his face, Draco hastily complied with the old man's instructions.

Dumbledore unrolled a piece of parchment on his desk to reveal a list of names, about half of them crossed out. With a smile, he crossed out the fifth name and checked his watch. Another hour before he'd have to refresh the polyjuice, more than enough time to deal with number six. Should he go with the story that she was his secret twin or that the boy who lived hadn't really been a boy at all? Decisions decisions. His grin widened as the thought of something, definitely would have to tell them that one of the reasons they were put with a dark family was to give them a first hand education on just how bad the dark really was - maybe tell them that he had to influence the hat to keep them out of Gryffindor which would have given the whole game away.

"Dobby!"

"Yes, Harry Potter sir?"

"I wanted to thank you again for telling me that Dumbledore was secretly attending a party at the Playboy Mansion."

"Dobby is happy be of service, Harry Potter sir!" the elf said proudly.

"And I really want to thank you for getting me the polyjuice."

"Dobby lives to serve, Harry Potter sir."

"Knocking out Dumbledore and coming up with this plan on what to do while we waited for the gates to open was above and beyond. What I'm trying to say is . . . you're the best friend a guy could ask for, Dobby, the absolute best."

"Dobby is . . . Dobby will . . . Dobby will send up the next person, now," the little elf stated eyes shining with tears and unable to come up with the words to tell the greatest wizard that ever existed how great he was.

A Gringotts owl flew through his window a few minutes later informing him of the castration and enslavement of yet another dimwit who'd attempted to enter his vault only moments before his next victim entered the office. On rare occasions, it was good to be him.

Omake by lordveive

Disclaimer:
I hear you like omakes, so I put an omake in your omake.

The small waiting room off of one of Gringott's many hallways managed to maintain an atmosphere that was both opulent and oppressive at the same time.

The ceiling was low, the lighting was poor, and the chairs cramped and clustered too closely together; but at the same time the carpets were lush, the countertops and pillars were marble, and those cramped chairs were made of expensive fabrics, leathers, and exotic woods.

And then there was the ambiance. Of course there was the drone of bureaucracy, the sound of the three clerks behind the counter calling numbers, dealing with the people who had those numbers in the bored, dispassionate manner that clerks are wont to do, and then sending them on their way.

Then there were the screams, cries and sobs.

Some of these came from those dealing with the clerks, some came from out of sight behind the counter.

Mothers calling for children, children calling for mothers, and the relentless drone of mid level management gave the place an aura of despair that few other things could manage.

The mere decor of the place managed to convey that no matter how rich or powerful a person was in the outside world they were subject to the whims of even the lowliest office clerk.

Considering that this was the waiting room for Gringotts' Indenturization, Neutralization and Sterilization department, the affect might have even been deliberate.

Lucius Malfoy found himself in the unenviable position of waiting for a clerk to call his number.

"438" The clerk droned.

Lucius rose with as much dignity as the tiny, squeaky chair would allow.

"That's my number." He said as he walked over to the clerk.

"How can I help you sir?" The goblin asked dully.

"There seems to have been some sort of mistake." Lucius said politely. "You see I was owled this letter and this set of genitalia-"

"-there was no mistake sir." The goblin interrupted dully. "As stated in the letter that you received a person was caught attempting class A fraud. Per the treaty of 978 Gringotts is forbidden from taking ownership of any noble line, and must take reasonable steps to ensure that the line can continue unencumbered in the event of a seizure. As such the reproductive organs of the seized are sent to the head of their house."

Lucius frowned as he looked at the box containing the... item... that Gringotts had sent him under preservation charms."Whose is this?" He wondered aloud."

"What's the number on your letter?" The clerk asked in a bored tone.

Lucius paused for a moment as he scanned the letter. "Sorry, number, what number?"

The clerk sighed. "The item number for the seized unit."

"Oh, that. 536127434" Lucious said.

"One moment please." The clerk said idly as she flipped through a large tome. "Ah, here it is. 536127434 was designated as Malfoy, Draco before seizure."

Lucius gaped. "W-what?" he stuttered.

The clerk sighed again. "Slave number 536127434 was designated as Malfoy, Draco before seizure."

"Wha- Bu- Draco? How did this happen?" Lucius fumbled.

"It says here the slave attempted line fraud and vault theft." The clerk said with a disinterested shrug.

"Wh-Bu-He's my heir!" Lucius snapped, outraged.

"Actually sir, that box is your heir. The slave forfeited that right when they attempted line fraud and vault theft. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Yes there bloody well is!" Lucius exclaimed. "Where is Draco?!"

"One moment sir." The clerk said as she consulted her book again. "It says here that the slave has been assigned to the Rest and Recreation detail for the security trolls."

"How do I get him back?" Lucius ground out.

"It says here the fee for purchasing the slave would be 228,415 Galleons, 8 Sickles, and 4 Knuts." The clerk said in her usual monotone.

Lucius sighed.