Disclaimer: I warn you, I operate under have idea, write idea. I do not operate under have good idea, write good idea.
Selected Scenes from the 517 Things I'd Like to see in a fic:
A while ago I started publishing a list of things I'd like to see in a fic on my yahoo group. I included a couple example scenes for a number of the ideas, some of the Harry Potter ones are below:
46. I've seen a few fics in which death/a god/dead relatives tell whichever character that they failed their life because they didn't marry their true love, followed by sending them back. What I'd like to see is that this is the Hogwarts Professors visiting students in the hospital wing for a bit of match making.
47. In a similar vein, I'd like to see different gods/deaths/dead relatives show up to say different things. (or the Hogwarts Professors faking it if going with the above idea)
"Death told me I needed to marry Luna. But then the goddess of love told me I needed to marry Ginny, then . . ." Neville frowned. "I'm afraid it all gets confusing after that. What about you, Harry?"
"One of them told me Hermione, one told me Ginny, one told me Luna, and one told me that I needed to marry Draco to redeem him for the greater good," Harry finished sickly.
"Same here," Ron agreed.
"One of the whatever told you that you needed to marry me?" Ginny asked.
"Yup."
"But I'm your sister," the girl protested.
"Didn't seem to matter to whatever it was," Ron replied.
"The way I see it, our choices are to join together in a deviant and potentially incestuous cluster marriage or to ignore what we heard," Luna volunteered. "I will admit that the thought of marrying Harry is more than a bit appealing to me, even if I must share with some of the other girls. The idea of sharing with Draco does not appeal to me, not even if it's to redeem the git or for the greater good."
"I think we can all agree that the greater good can go bugger itself," Hermione said firmly.
"Agreed!"
52. Sirius takes a page from the Genma Saotome school on how to live off the land, sells engagements to Harry for food and other necessities.
Featuring things like . . .
"Hello, Harry Potter," Luna greeted the boy. "I may be inexperienced, but I shall be in your care from now on. Please treat me kindly."
and . . .
The little French girl said something that caused Hermione to blush a deep red.
"What'd she say?" Harry demanded.
"She says that Sirius offered her your hand in marriage for a bowl of rice and threw in an engagement to Fleur for two pickles." And a whole lot of other things she was too proper to translate. Where in god's name had the little girl learned how to speak like a low class Parisian hoodlum?
not to mention . . .
"What did you want to speak with me about, mum?" Hermione asked.
"You know how we sometimes do charity work in homeless shelters?"
"Yeah, mum," Hermione prompted, a feeling of impending doom blooming in her breast.
"Well, one of our patients insisted on paying us but he didn't have any money so . . ."
"I'm engaged to Harry too?" Hermione squeaked. The look on her mother's face confirmed it and the whole situation was looking a whole lot less funny now that she was part of it.
Let's see; Bowl of rice - Gabrielle, two pickles – Fleur, free dental care – Hermione, for the promise that she'll stop talking for a few minutes – Luna, etc.
63. Harry kidnaps several family members of the Judges in response to the second task.
"Wait!" Harry yelled. "I have a couple questions before we start."
"What is it, Harry?" Dumbledore asked.
"Just to be clear, you've kidnapped my best friends and chained them to the bottom of the lake where they'll die if I don't rescue them?"
"I wouldn't have put it like that," Dumbledore dithered.
"But it's accurate, right?" Harry demanded.
"It is," Dumbledore sighed.
The other champions stared at the judges table with expressions of dawning horror.
"Wonderful, if you'll do me a favor of looking at this list," Harry said, handing it over.
"Why is my brother's name at the top of it?" Dumbledore asked.
"My sister is number two and my niece number three," Maxime said.
"If we get our people back, you'll get yours back," Harry announced. "If we don't, you'll get them back a piece at a time."
"Harry, you can't mean . . ." Dumbledore trailed off.
"You took something of mine, I took something of yours," Harry interrupted. "Eye for eye, tooth for tooth."
"You can't do this!" Maxime shouted.
"Why not? You did," Harry replied. "Would you like me to prove that I'm serious? I wanted to avoid that but I guess I could give you a demonstration if you'd like. The only question is, who's hostage will it come from? My preference is Snape, but I suppose I could let you work it out among yourselves."
"No gesture will be necessary, Harry," Dumbledore said, ashen faced.
"You sure? I could have his hands off and on your desk in twenty minutes."
"I'm quite sure," Dumbledore choked.
"Wonderful, I'd like to make a couple more point before we begin." Harry smiled coldly. "You couldn't protect your loved ones and I couldn't have done this alone. I got to them once, I can do it again. Even if you get to me, you won't be able to make me talk before my confederates get to your loved ones again."
145. One of the male students dies and becomes a ghost. He begins haunting the Great Hall, Myrtle joins him, and let's just say they don't need to find a new name for the much happier Myrtle.
"It's your fault I died!" Harry's ghost bellowed down at Dumbledore. "Your fault I . . ." a grin appeared on the ghost's face. "Okay, that's enough recovery, ready for round sixteen?"
Dumbledore sighed, ever since Harry had died he hadn't gotten a moment's peace. The ghost wasn't so bad, only really bothered him during meals and he could always eat in his office to avoid it. No, rather it was . . .
"Harder!" Myrtle screamed. "Oh yes!"
All the howlers he got from angry parents. You'd think they'd be happy the school had started a comprehensive course on practical sex education, but the reaction he'd gotten the one time he'd pointed that out had been anything but.
147. With the above, bonus points if the other boys are jealous they didn't think of dying first.
160. The students circulate a list of the three most useless Professors, McGonagall is not amused to learn that she's number one.
3. Our ghostly history 'teacher.' Who hasn't answered a question for over a hundred years.
2. Our Potions 'Professor.' For actively sabotaging every House in Hogwarts that doesn't start with the letter S.
1. Hogwarts' Transfiguration Mistress, Head of Gryffindor, and Deputy Headmistress. Who came in first place by a wide margin for being useless at all three of her positions.
We admit that there has been some controversy regarding this, several students have come forward to state that she's actually quite good at teaching Transfiguration and that her duties as Deputy Headmistress are sufficiently mysterious that we can not judge. These same students state that Snape should take the number one spot, reducing our beloved Transfiguration Instructor to number two. We concede to the first but refuse the second as we rank Snape number one in which Head of House is the most useful. And he is, if you're in Slytherin as his bias towards his house is nothing short of legendary. We also point out the numerous attempts on our most famous student's life and while we do not know that making some token amount of effort to protect the students is part of the Deputy Headmistress's duties, we believe it damn well should be.
161. Harry begins looking for new schools to transfer to, his list of questions for his perspective headmasters is somewhat troubling.
What precautions do you have to prevent murder attempts by disembodied (or re-embodied) dark lords and/or their followers?
Can you guarantee that the Defense Professor won't try to kill/injure/obliviate/or otherwise cause me harm?
Please list any plans or plots you have that could endanger me during the school year?
If a troll entered the castle, would you: A-order all students out into the halls where they may or may not get attacked or B-take a head count to see if any students are missing and keep the ones that aren't in a secure central location while you search for the student and the troll.
An old acquaintance asks you (or you somehow acquire) a legendary artifact being sought by a number of extremely dangerous individuals. Do you: A-try to hide it in the school behind a series of traps so simple a group of first year students could overcome them or B-have it stored somewhere far away from school children. If A, explain:
Please describe the circumstances under which you would kidnap an orphan and place him or her in an abusive home.
What are your thoughts on the so called 'Greater Good?'
Are there any current or former terrorists employed as members of your staff?
179. Harry's eyes narrowed as the Potions Master heckled him. Time to show the pathetic bastard a thing or two and if that didn't shut the pathetic dick down, there was always murder.
"What do you need, Harry?" Lavender asked.
"I need you and the Patils to spread two rumors, I'll let you decide how."
"What rumors?" the Patil currently wearing Ravenclaw colors asked.
"The first is that if you manage to poison the Potions Professor, you get an automatic pass and they get fired."
"Okay," the Patil in Gryffindor colors agreed. "The second?"
"That at my request, Neville is busy brewing a broad spectrum easily detected antidote."
183. Ron betrays Harry, sort of. See below:
"Sorry, Harry," Ron said. "But Percy's family, just couldn't chose him over you."
"I'm sorry too, mate," Harry said solemnly. "Especially about the fact that I knew you were gonna betray me so I prepared for it."
"I knew you knew, mate, your plan to counteract my plan isn't gonna work."
"I knew you knew I knew," Harry countered. "And while your plan to counter my first plan is a thing of beauty, I think you'll find that my plan to counter the plan you planned to counter my first plan is not something you can cope with."
"Hate to break it to you, mate," Ron sighed. "But I knew you knew that I knew so-"
"Oh, just get on with it!" Percy demanded.
"Hey, this is an emotional moment for us," Ron replied hotly.
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "I'm dealing with the betrayal of one of my closest friends and he's dealing with the fact that he's betraying one of his closest friends."
"Yeah!" Ron agreed. "Have a heart you wanker."
"You tell him, Ron."
"I have half a mind to shag your girl for that, Percy," Ron told his brother. "Serve you right you insensitive git."
"You know what they say, give her two pounds and you're into a Penny."
"Penny perfect tits, the Hogwarts bicycle," Ron agreed. "Everyone's had a ride on her."
"Why . . . I . . . you . . ." Percy's complexion matched his hair and a trickle of rage foam trickled out the corner of his mouth.
"Say, Harry," Ron began, hoping to push his brother over the edge.
"Yeah, mate?"
"Can I borrow two pounds?"
"Why don't we make it four and we'll do her together?"
"We're gonna have to continue this in an hour or two, Percy," Ron said with a grin. "Places to be, your girlfriend to do."
"It'd only be thirty seconds if it was just Ron," Harry whispered. "But I don't have to tell you about that family trait, being a fellow Weasley and all."
"ARRRGGGG!" Percy snapped and tried to throttle both boys at once.
"Was it something we said?" Ron laughed, dodging out of the way.
"All that anger can't be healthy," Harry agreed, batting the hand aside. "How bout I lend you three pounds and Penny'll give you the works?"
"You haven't lived till you've had all six inches of her tongue up your rectum," Ron added helpfully. "I can give you a big list of people who'd be happy to attest to that fact."
"My name's on that list," Harry said cheerfully. "So's Ron's."
"Hermione's too," Ron agreed. "Might be easier to give you a list of people who haven't yet had the pleasure."
Later . . .
"That was fun," Ron remarked.
"Sure was, mate," Harry agreed. "Which ministry official do you reckon you should betray me to next?"
"I still don't see why we can't take turns," Ron whined. "Why do I always have to be the traitorous git?"
"Because Hermione would be arrested on sight for being muggleborn . . . uh, and I can't really see her playing along with something like the whole 'your girl's a slag' bit we did with Percy."
"Be bloody hilarious if she did," Ron interjected. "Can you imagine her talking about how great it is to have a tongue up her ass. Think of all the stick jokes we could make."
"Agreed, but she won't," Harry agreed. "Second reason is because the reward for my capture or death is ten times higher than yours."
"Not bloody fair it's not," Ron growled. "You always get everything!"
"Save it for the next sucker."
"Say, Harry?"
"Yeah, Ron?"
"You think if we do this enough times, they'll make the reward for my death or capture higher than yours?"
"We can only hope, Ron."
191. A competent, but insane, Defense Professor. That or a man that wants revenge on Death Eaters and their spawn, that could also work for the following scene.
"Alright, what should I teach you lot first?" the man mused.
"How about what to do if someone is about to hex you?" one of the students replied.
"Right," the Professor agreed. "Now I need a volunteer . . . Mr. Malfoy, come up here."
"Yes, Professor," Malfoy agreed.
"Now, you try to hex me, and I'll demonstrate to the class what to do."
"Yes, Professor." Draco raised his wand and was promptly sent flying through the door by the Professor's attack. A dozen more spells followed in quick succession insuring that the blond Slytherin would not be getting up any time soon.
"Did everybody get that?" the Professor asked.
"You killed Draco?!" Pansy squealed.
"Well of course I did, he was about to hex me. You all saw it."
Yes, the above scene was shamelessly stolen.
210. Luna begins thinking aloud.
"Hmmm . . . Perhaps I should murder all my roommates if they hide my stocks one more time," the girl mused, ignoring the worried looks on the other girl's faces. "Would that make me more or less attractive to Harry? Perhaps I should ask?"
"Less!" one of the other girls squeaked.
"Did you say something?"
223. Lucius hangs himself while in custody after being caught at the Ministry.
"I was in my third year when you animals killed my parents," the guard said as he tightened the noose around Lucius' neck. "Die slow." He kept the noose tight until Lucius passed out, then loosened it until the man revived. He got ten more repetitions before eagerness caused him to wait a bit too long to revive the death eater.
224. Sirius takes Harry and the Dursley family hostage after arriving to hear Marge talking about the Potters. The wards around the house prevent the DMLE from resolving the situation with a violent rescue so they're forced to negotiate. Some of his demands are a bit off. This is partly due to the fact that Sirius is crazy and partly due to the fact that the Aurors give several helpful suggestions after assuring themselves that Harry is in no immediate danger.
"List of his demands, boss," the Auror said nervously.
"Let's see it," Amelia sighed. "Naked pictures of Professor McGonagall, the sexiest of all the Hogwarts professors?"
"He has a well documented Transfiguration Mistress fetish, boss," the aide pointed out.
"Yes, I see it written below the demand," she said dryly. Though she would never admit it, she thought it was quite helpful of the hostage taker to provide that bit of information. "The public execution of Severus Snape via troll buggery."
"He said he was willing to let us use giants if we couldn't find a troll on short notice, boss," one of the other Aurors added. "We told him it wouldn't be right to scrimp like that when it came to our favorite Professor and a lot of the younger Aurors are out right now looking for the biggest, meanest, most well endowed troll they can find."
"I see." Her eyes went back to the list. "He wants me to perform a slow strip show in the front lawn to the theme song of the smurfs?" What in the bloody hell was a smurf?
"I just want to say that none of us suggested that one, boss," one of her Aurors said nervously.
"Et tu, Michelle?" Amelia accused.
"Sorry, boss, but you know I've wanted another look at the twins since we left the academy," the woman admitted, shamefaced. "Just not right for a spectacular pair like that to be hidden from the world."
"Leg bone from a dragon, most expensive owl treats we can find, Ron Weasley's rat is an illegal anamagus and he wants us to arrest and interrogate him, Fudge kicked . . . wait, what was that last one?"
"Death Eater, boss, in one of the secure cells waiting to talk to you and missing a large portion of his spine."
"Exactly why is he missing a portion of his spine?"
"All had to do with one of the later demands, boss," the Auror said cheerfully.
"Of course it did," she said dryly. "Fudge to be repeatedly kicked in the testicles by Lucius Malfoy?"
"That's one way of reducing the bastard's influence, boss."
"Give me a quill," Amelia ordered. She spent a few minutes adding names after Fudge. See the bastard buy his way out of that one. "Be sure he gets them all before he's severely beaten resisting arrest," she ordered.
"Yes, boss."
"And when I say severely, I mean severely, none of this no multiple skull fractures shit you lazy idiots have been doing."
"Be hard enough to keep him alive to face trial, boss, everyone wants a go at 'im."
"Be sure I'm in the top ten or be sure that I will put you on sewer patrol duty," she added absently. "Let's see, what do we have next . . ."
233. Harry calls every goblin Griphook to piss them off.
"Hello, Griphook, nice to see you again," the boy said with a smile.
"My name is Skullcrusher, Human," the goblin spat.
"Always the kidder, 'eh, Griphook. Hey, remember that time you betrayed me and that led to your horrible death? Good times. We'll have to do it again sometime, Griphook."
"Why don't I show you to your vault?" the goblin said nervously.
"Thanks, Griphook, can't stay up here talking about the good old days forever. Which reminds me, remember that time I forced you to eat your own genitalia because you insulted my girlfriend? We still laugh about that. You've always been such a kidder, Griphook."
"Heh heh heh," the goblin said nervously.
244. Harry uses his natural cunning to get out of having to do anything during the Triwizard.
"I refuse to go into that room with the other competitors unless all the judges agree that this is an official Triwizard Task that I have to complete."
. . .
"I'm not going to any sort of wand weighting unless the judges agree I have to because it's an official Triwizard Task that I have to complete," Harry said stubbornly.
. . .
"I'm not waitin in no tent-"
"Unless it's an official task, yes?" Bagman sighed. Why did the little bastard have to be so difficult?
. . .
Harry stepped out of the tent with a grin. "You may as well get rid of the dragon, I'm not going to do anything with it."
"You have to, it's one of the official tasks," Dumbledore said.
"Of which I have to do three to complete the tournament, right?" Harry persisted. "You all agree, right?"
"Yes! Now get on with it!" Igor growled.
"I did all three official tasks you told me to," Harry said smugly. "I went into the room, I got my wand weighed, I waited in the tent, and, since I finished first, I win."
"The first one out of the tent was-"
"Irrelevant. The judges said they were tasks that I had to complete. Didn't say anything about the other competitors having to complete them," Harry interrupted. "But feel free to disagree, I look forward to seeing what the cup will do to the Judges and organizers for trying to break their contract with me." The boy's eyes were eager. "Are you refusing to follow the contract?"
275. Luna prepares to go on her first date and gets some advice from her father.
"Um . . . just remember, there's no reason to buy a cow if you can get the milk for free," her father said, looking uncomfortable. "Do you understand what I'm saying, lemongrass?"
"I think so," Luna chirped. "You found someone willing to give us free milk."
"No, that's not what I'm saying at all," he replied.
"So . . . we're getting a cow?" she asked slowly.
"No, we're not getting a cow."
"Why not?"
"What?"
"I think a pet cow would be lovely."
"Oh no, this would be just like your gerbil and you know how that ended up."
"It drank some unstable potions, grew to a thousand times its size and destroyed one of the neighboring houses?"
"Right," he agreed.
"But I never liked that house," she sniffed. "So it was all to the good."
"Neither did I," her father admitted. "Spoiled the view of the house behind it."
"Which is much more interesting, architecturally."
"The brickwork on the chimney is something I could stare at for hours," he agreed. Hopefully he'd have more free time after his daughter took over the family business, he thought wistfully to himself.
"So what kind of cow should we get?" Luna asked, trying to get the conversation back to what she thought was the original topic.
"I was thinking a holstein," her father replied. "That way we could get matching shoes."
279. Harry goes to a new country, finds that society there isn't much different from the UK, that there's a dark lord, that the main opposition to the aforementioned dark lord is a plucky young kid, and that he quite enjoys sitting on the sidelines.
Harry took another sip of his drink as he watched the young heroin fight the faceless horde. He'd never realized how enjoyable life threatening adventures were to watch from a distance, it explained quite a bit.
"Faceless horde is gone and corrupt government officials arrive to cause trouble in three . . . two . . ."
"What's going on here?" a rail thin woman in a green top-hat demanded.
"Man, leaving that mess behind and coming here was the best decision I ever made," Harry said to himself.
298. More Hedwig the bacon crazed owl. I use it, lot's of people use it, but it's not common enough. Why yes, this is an excuse to write the below scene.
"I'm not sure that's good for her," Hermione commented as Hedwig gobbled down another rasher of bacon.
The owl's head swiveled to glare at the school swot. The girl seemed to shrink as the owl swelled up, extended her wings, and let loose a menacing hiss.
"But what do I know," Hermione said quickly. "I'm not an expert on owl nutrition."
334. Sirius goes through the veil, Harry dives after him is fairly standard. How bout everyone else following.
"Sirius!" Harry screamed as he followed the man through the veil.
"Harry, NO!"
"Wait for me!"
"WEEEEE!" Luna jumped through with a giant grin on her face.
"If you guys are going to do it, I am too!" Ron bellowed.
359. Harry gets a new wand that has an interesting component. For example:
"Hermione, could you help me translate something? Your French is better than mine."
"Sure," she agreed, taking the note.
"Gabrielle sent me a new wand and I can't make out what the core is."
"Hair." She thrust the note into his hands.
"What sort of hair?"
"Never you mind that," Hermione snapped, turning a deep red.
365. Harry tells Umbridge and McGonagall that he's recently found out just how much gold he has and that he plans to be a man of leisure after taking his OWLS.
"Wasn't a hard choice to make, Professor," Harry said cheerfully. "On the one hand, we have the United Kingdom where I'm constantly dodging attempts on my life. On the other, we have the French Rivera and a topless beach popular with veela of loose morals. Only reason I'm bothering to stay till the end of the year is that I only get full access to my accounts after finishing my fifth year."
Sirius couldn't be prouder.
"You say that you're planning to leave Hogwarts after taking your Owls, Ms. Granger?" Minerva asked, feeling faint.
"I am, Professor," the girl agreed primly. "You see, Professor, Harry told me about this beach in France that has topless veela of loose morals and . . ."
At the same time around the school, the other three heads of house were having similar conversations with the majority of the rest of the school. Who knew topless beaches filled with veela with loose morals were such a big draw? Well, aside from everyone with a working brain of course.
412. Dumbledore explains how the world works to Snape.
"I've turned a blind eye to Severus' activities because I must, because he is important to my plans and because he knows how important he is to my plans." One would think the man would have thought the man possessed enough Slytherin cunning to blend in. "Harry is more valuable."
"Severus isn't going to like it," Minerva stated.
"If Severus causes problems, he'll learn that he isn't as important as he thought he was."
439. Neville has a girlfriend at Beauxbatons. It's in France, she's French, you wouldn't know her. His roommates are skeptical that she exists and mock him unmercifully.
"So, Nev, turns out the frogs are coming for the tournament this year. Think we'll finally get a chance to meet that girlfriend of yours?"
"I don't know," Neville admitted. "She didn't say anything about visiting."
Which of course leads to one of the girls (Fleur?) from Beauxbatons rushing to embrace Neville as soon as she arrives.
"I wanted it to be a surprise," the girl said breathlessly. "Was it a good one?"
"The best," Neville agreed, unmindful of his stunned dorm mates.
466. Alternately, it wasn't and Harry just lies about it as an excuse to get rid of Snape.
"Sir, I have some news."
"What is it, Harry?" Dumbledore asked kindly.
"Well, it turns out I had one of Voldemort's Hora . . . however you pronounce them stuck in my scar. That's why I was getting visions of him."
"I'd suspected but to . . . wait, had?" Dumbledore eyed the boy nervously.
"Yeah, your idea to have Snape teach me was even worse than your idea to put me with the Dursleys. Turned out better though so I guess I can't complain this time."
"Please explain," Dumbledore ordered.
"Well, as you know, Snape is . . . was a pathetic dick who can't get past my father so rather than teach me, he used the lessons as an opportunity to torment me by ripping open my mind and exposing every one of my secrets. Really obvious that would happen in foresight, not sure what your excuse is for not seeing that unless that's what you wanted to happen for some reason."
"What do you mean 'was,' Harry?" Dumbledore's voice hardened a touch.
"I'm getting to that. Well, he pushed a little too hard and . . . well, for lack of a better term popped the barriers around the soul which then flowed into his mind. Left behind all the memories for some reason which is a bit of a mixed bag let me tell you. On the one hand, I now have the knowledge and skills to keep up with the bastard. On the other, I now know what it feels like to have Draco's mum give me a rim-job while his aunt kneels and sucks . . . but I'm sure you're not interested in all the details."
"About Severus," Dumbledore's voice had an edge to it.
"Right, him. Well, I also got a few of his memories about what had to happen to me thanks to the fact that I had that whore-thing in my head and I knew what I had to do. Rest assured that it was difficult for me to make that decision as I'm sure it was for you to make the one about me."
468. Ron Weasley - Master Detective
"Looks like another suicide," Ron said seriously.
"But . . . but, sir," his assistant simpered. "He was beaten to death."
"And?" Ron yawned.
"And there's a signed note from the killer confessing the whole thing."
"You actually believe that's real?" Ron snorted.
"It's been notarized as have all the witness statements saying that Mr. Malfoy was murdered."
"If you were any sort of detective, you'd know how unreliable witnesses can be."
"So you're saying that Draco Malfoy faked a confession by someone else, had it notarized, then beat himself to death in front of several witnesses who he somehow convinced that he was murdered?"
"He always was a cunning bastard," Ron agreed, setting the confession and witness statements on fire. "Well, I'm not going to fall for it or his plan to frame some poor innocent after his death."
474. Recently read a fic in which Harry gets the diary in second year, figures out what it is, and uses a few magical items to pump it for information. Rather than information, why not troll it?
'Tom Riddle?' he wrote back. 'Aren't you the great Lord Voldemort? Wow, I have all your albums. You're still popular you know, even after that scandal with the Goat and the Dumbledore brothers and your untimely death by autoerotic asphyxiation. Shame you decided to down a bottle of Ogden's best before you had your morning wank or you'd still be putting out albums today.'
'Is it true you thought about becoming a dark lord before getting some sense and setting out to become the UK's number one pop star?'
475. The Replacement Harrys. For whatever cliche reason, Harry Potter is missing from Privet Drive. Either from first year or a later year. Dumbledore's in a bind, he has to find the boy before the public at large notices he's missing so, to buy time, he hires a series of Harry impersonators. Pity he didn't have the budget for Polyjuice, what with sending search parties all over the world.
"Hey, you notice anything different about Harry?" Ron whispered to Hermione.
"Aside from the fact that he's a chain smoking pot bellied dwarf with a beard down to his knees?" Hermione asked sarcastically. "Or that he forgets to respond to 'Harry' half the time?"
"Yeah," Ron agreed. "And you've got to admit, he's still better than last year's Harry."
"Squiky is toos Harry Potters sir!" The third, heretofore unmentioned student in the compartment said in a faux house elf voice.
476. Harry takes advantage of the fact that Dumbledore doesn't spend much attention on students not named Harry Potter.
"Got that right, Barry," Ron agreed, fist bumping the boy that looked a lot like Harry Potter aside from the ever-present bandage on his head and contacts that changed the shade of his eyes. (Or better yet; fake nose, fake glasses, fake mustache worn with his normal glasses + bandage)
"Honestly," Hermione sniffed.
487. Blackmail - lots of it. Good for an SI, time travel fic, or super information gather (which could be a good fit for Naruto) fic.
'Dear Mr. Crouch,' he wrote. 'I understand that you helped your son escape from prison and have been casting an unforgivable on him for several years. Bad form, old chap, bad form. Of course, there's no need for anyone else to find out since I'm of the opinion that it's also bad form to make public other people's private secrets …'
'. . . now as I quite understand how difficult it can be to raise such a large amount of gold and due to my sympathetic and kind nature, I'm willing to forgo gold for the moment if you're willing to perform a few small tasks for me …'
'Dear Rita, imagine how surprised I was to learn that you were unregistered, three years in Azkaban for that one without considering the enemies you've made in the halls of power …'
'Dear Gilderoy …'
'Please send all gold to L. Malfoy …'
'… to D. Malfoy …'
'… to A.P.W.B. Dumbledore…'
'… to S. Snape …'
'… to C. Fudge …'
'Vault number 415.'
He relaxed on the train ride back. It had been an eventful year but things had quieted down after the Minister was assassinated, Snape was found in a vegetative state after having his brains obliviated out, the Malfoys were …
505. Harry uses house elves to take care of the basilisk.
"You guys ever heard of the Chamber of Secrets?" Harry asked. "The one place in Hogwarts that hasn't been cleaned in decades, maybe even centuries?"
The boy became uncomfortably aware of what had to be hundreds of house elves watching him intently.
"I can get you in, but there's a bit of a vermin problem."
"Dealing with ratses and mousies is a house elf's duty," one of the elves commented. They also made up a large portion of an elf's diet along with insects and anything careless students dropped on the floor of the great hall during meal times.
"What about basilisks?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Snakeys too," the house elf replied. Thinking that it hadn't had a snake steak sandwich in far too long.
514. "Has anyone seen Draco?"
Dobby peered down into the pit. "It puts the lotion in its skin or else it gets the hose again."
517. Harry finds a dodgy shop that sells custom polyjuice porn – brown paper wrapped boxes are delivered to each house in Privet Drive and the surrounding area, along with one to every employee of a certain drill company – the Dursley family's life is never the same again.
"You sure you want all this?" the shopkeeper asked, looking ill as he considered the customer's request.
"Every deviant and disgusting thing you can put in," Harry agreed. "Put on muggle vhs tapes and one each to every address on that list."