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Gutter Scrapings
Omake for Dungeons and Drow: Odd Ideas #133, #135, and #156
"Why are you crying?"
Luna looked up to see a second year Gryffindor girl looking down at her.
"No . . ." she hiccuped. "No reason."
"You know," the girl continued. "I used to be just like you. I didn't have any friends and some of the students in my dorm would say the most horrid things about me. Would you like to know how I changed that?"
"P-please," Luna agreed, regarding the older girl with red puffy eyes.
"I made an example of the one who made me cry, made sure that everyone was well aware of exactly what would happen if they were foolish enough bother me again."
"That worked?"
"It did," Hermione agreed.
"What about the Prefects and the Professors?"
"I'm going to tell you what my teacher told me; the rules are there as obstacles to overcome, thinking of them as tests for your intelligence. Look at Dumbledore, one of the most powerful wizards alive, do you really think he got were he is by doing as he was told?"
"What should I do?"
"I leave that up to you," Hermione said. "Ask around and find out what happened to Ron Weasley last year if you need some ideas. Do well and I'll consider passing on a few more of my teacher's lessons, impress me and I'll consider introducing you to her."
Omake by lordveive
Senior Auror Kingsley Shacklebolt stepped through the floo into the office of Hogwart's charms master, and quickly exited the room into the hall outside.
"What do we have?" He asked as he approached two red-robed aurors standing outside of the Ravenclaw common room.
"Four dead females. All upper year ravenclaw, all found in the first year girl's dorm." Auror Smith said grimly.
Auror Shacklebolt felt like a lump of lead had formed in his stomach.
"One of the first year's trunks had blown open, there was a pot of Devil's Snare inside and some kind of magical residue that we couldn't identify." Auror Jones continued. "Per SOP we cleared and secured the area and called in a senior Auror."
"Did you do a headcount of the students?" Auror shacklebolt asked.
"Yeah boss, one of the Ravenclaw firsties was missing at the time, the rest were at dinner." Auror Smith supplied.
The lump of lead in Auror Shacklebolt's stomach suddenly got a little bit bigger. "Did you find her?"
"In one of the broom closets, she was hexed up pretty bad, and it looks like someone may have worked her over the old fashioned way a little too." Auror Jones agreed. "The Lovegood kid being alive is the only good thing about this whole mess so far."
"Did you get signatures on those hexes?" Auror Shacklebolt asked.
Jones nodded. "School nurse recorded 'em, I witnessed, I've got them sealed with me right now."
Shacklebolt smiled grimly. "That's the best thing I've heard all day. Have you called for a potions expert?"
Auror smith nodded. "Called them right after we called you. Figured we would need someone to identify that residue and make sure it wasn't interfering with the rest of the forensics."
"Good job." Auror Shacklebolt replied.
Scene break.
Amelia Bones walked quickly through the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and knocked on the open door of one of her senior Aurors.
"What have you found on the Hogwarts case, Shack?" She asked when Auror Shacklebolt looked up.
Auror Shacklebolt sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus." He said simply.
"I know the bloody school motto, Shack." Amelia said impatiently. "What do you have for me?"
"The Lovegood girl was badly hexed prior to the deaths." Auror shacklebolt said dully. "Additionally she was slapped. There were lacerations on her face.
Amelia quickly pulled out a notepad and jotted down a note, but allowed her Auror to continue.
Shacklebolt continued. "Priori Incantato was cast on the wands of the deceased. The results corroborate that the hexes came from those wands used by those girls. Additionally we found the Lovegood girl's blood under the fingernails of Marietta Edgecombe's left hand."
Amelia sighed. "Ok, so that's the Lovegood assault explained, what about the four corpses?"
Auror Shacklebolt shook his head ruefully. "The trunk that was found open and damaged belonged to the Lovegood girl. It contained a potted plant - Devil's Snare - That's indigenous to the area, and several packages of Peruvian Instant Darkness powder, which is a comparatively harmless and perfectly legal potion ingredient." Auror Shacklebolt sighed, took a moment to gather his thoughts and continued.
"Devil's snare is an herbaceous constrictor, comparatively easily handled as it reacts violently to both light and fire, but Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder blocks out light and smothers flame. That was smart of the Lovegood Girl, I'm not sure how well I would have fared in that situation myself."
Amelia frownded. "What are you saying, Shack?"
"Amelia, I'm saying that if those girls hadn't been regularly assaulting the Lovegood girl and committing petty theft against her then she wouldn't have had a reason to leave two perfectly legal objects that are both referred to by her school texts in her trunk, and if those girls hadn't broken into that trunk- and violently enough to damage the contents, thus setting off the darkness powder at that- they would still be alive. Even if we could establish intent on the part of the Lovegood girl, the victims broke into the private property of a pureblood and triggered it's defenses. The worst we could do would be a fine."
"So it was completely passive?" Amelia asked. "It wouldn't have worked if they had left the trunk alone?"
"They had to bypass the standard security charm, open the lock, and exert greater than ten gees of force to get the powder to go off." Shack said wearily.
"Well, that's that." Amelia sighed. ""Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus indeed."
More scenes from a fic or a dozen
Omake: Belle of the Balls
"Draco, one of the reasons you've had such a difficult time getting a date to the ball is that the majority of the girls in the castle are secretly afraid that you may be their half brother."
"What!" Draco growled. "You take that back, my father would never cheat on my mother."
"Of that, I have no doubt and please allow me to apologize for anything I might have said that would lead you to believe otherwise."
Omake: Boil Your Face
The two aspiring assassins eyed their captor with something akin to amusement as he went about trying to intimidate them into speaking. That was one of the problems with amateurs, they reflected, all bluff.
"Help me move them to the end of the dock please, Dobby."
"Yes, Harry Potter sir!" the house elf agreed cheerfully.
The two men allowed themselves to be taken and offered no resistance when the elf forced them to sit at the edge.
"Left one first, Dobby."
"Yes, Harry Potter sir!"
"What are you doing?" Lefty asked in a tone of mild annoyance.
"I'm attaching weights to your feet so you don't float," Harry replied calmly. The fact that he was about to murder the man was no excuse not to be courteous.
"Just who do you think you're fooling?" Righty laughed. "I'll admit that it's a good setup, but your mark has to believe that you're capable of carrying out a threat if you want it to have any chance to make them talk."
"Good to know," Harry mused. "Don't you think so, Dobby?"
"Yes, Harry Potter sir," the house elf agreed. "Weights are on, Harry Potter sir."
"Thank you, Dobby."
"Tell you what," Lefty began. "You let us go right now and we won't tell the Gendarmes what you tried?"
By way of response, Harry put the flat of his hand on the center of the man's back and pushed. The man's brief scream cut off with a loud splash.
"Right one, Dobby."
"Yes, Harry Potter sir!" Dobby agreed.
"You just pushed him in!" Righty screamed in shock.
"I did," Harry agreed, placing the palm of his hand on the flat of the man's back. "Finished, Dobby?"
"Almost, Harry Potter sir!"
"You can't do this!"
"Why not?" Harry asked curiously.
"You're Harry Potter! You're supposed to be a good guy!"
"Ready, Harry Potter sir!"
"Wait!" the man screamed. "I'll talk, I'll tell you everything I know!"
"Talk fast," Harry ordered.
"Paul Touvier!" The man said loudly. "He's the one who hired us!"
"What do you think, Dobby?"
"Dobby thinks we should ask his friend," the house elf replied.
"Good idea, Dobby," Harry said with a grin. "Pull his friend up." He gave a sharp push, sending the man to the bottom as Dobby raised his accomplice.
The house elf levitated the shivering man onto the dock and slapped him across the face to get his attention.
"Your friend told me something interesting," Harry said, sounding as if he were discussing a subject no more interesting than the weather. "It bought you a few minutes up here. Care to try for a few more?"
"Paul Touvier," the man gasped.
"He the only one?"
"Yes," the man gasped.
"Wrong answer," Harry said flatly.
"Perhaps bad men need some time to get their stories straight," Dobby suggested.
"Perhaps you're right, Dobby," Harry agreed.
"No!" the man sobbed. "Please no."
Another push sent the man back to the bottom.
"Any thoughts on dinner, Dobby?"
"Dobby was thinking about getting some of those nice spiny fishies from the fish monger, Harry Potter sir."
"Bouillabaisse or something else?"
"Dobby isn't confident in his bouillabaisse, Harry Potter sir," the house elf admitted shamefully.
"The Delacours tell me it takes a while to get right," Harry assured his friend. "I'm sure you'll get it right eventually and I'm sure that whatever you make will be delicious no matter what it is."
"Thank you, Harry Potter sir," Dobby said, puffing his chest out in pride. "Shall Dobby bring the bad man back?"
"I suppose," Harry agreed.
The second man was soon back on the dock, gasping for air.
"You didn't tell me everything," Harry told the man. "Care to try again?"
"Maurice Papon is the one at the top. I'll tell you everything I know, just please don't-"
"Let's see what the other one has to say."
"Yes, Harry Potter sir," Dobby agreed.
Omake: The Talk
"Hey, Tonker, got a minute?" Sirius asked.
"Sure, Sirius, what's up?"
"I need you to do a giant favor for me," Sirius said seriously. "I'd normally have asked Remus to do it, but he's not really the best person to go to for this."
"What favor?" She eyed the man with considerable suspicion.
"I need you to give Harry the talk," Sirius admitted. "Use my face or something if you think it'd be too embarrassing to do it with your own."
"Sirius-"
"You're the only one I can trust with this that can get there," Sirius interrupted. "I'd ask Arthur to do it but . . . um . . . I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what birth control is or why it's important."
"I . . . think you might be right about that," Tonks admitted. "Why not Remus."
Sirius cast a furtive glance around the room to make sure they were alone before putting up every privacy charm he knew. "Promise not to ever reveal what I'm about to tell you."
"Why?" she asked suspiciously.
"Because Remus is my best mate and mates don't spill each other's secrets. You need to promise not to ever tell anyone what I'm about to tell you if you want to know why I need you to give Harry the talk rather than him."
"Okay, I promise."
"Swear on whatever you believe in the most," Sirius persisted.
"I swear on . . ." Tonks closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I swear my pink hair."
"Alright." Sirius seemed to relax. "You know that I have a bit of a reputation when it comes to witches, right?"
"I've heard," Tonks said dryly.
"Most of that is rubbish. I'll admit that I was as bad as every other boy, bout as successful too. I got my so called reputation because I was a bit less shy about asking for dates than just about everyone else in my year save James."
"What's that got to do with Remus?"
"I'm getting to that." Sirius rubbed his face. "Remus had this thing he used to do, brilliant really, that let him work through a number of girls."
"Remus?"
"He had two strategies. For the light sided types, mostly muggle born girls he'd get close to them and then push them away saying that it was too dangerous for them to be around him and that he was too afraid of the beast inside. Don't understand how it worked but it was a pretty reliable panty dropper. For the stuck up pureblood types he'd play on their daddy issues." Sirius laughed. "What pureblood gentleman likes the idea of a werewolf plowing his daughter? Bagged both of your aunts with that."
"My aunts?" Tonks asked faintly.
"Don't worry. Never managed to get your mum," Sirius assured the girl. "Not for lack of trying of course, but yer mum worked through her daddy issues by shagging your muggleborn da. No one else so far as I know."
"He tried to shag my mum?" Tonks turned rather pale.
"Used to complain he didn't bag the whole set and joked about waiting till after you grew up a bit to make up for that," Sirius laughed. "Bad taste but we were kinda young back then so it was expected that we'd be rotten berks."
"I think I'm gonna be sick," Tonks whispered.
"I understand," Sirius assured her. "Absolutely disgusting, but I'm sure he'd done a lot of growing up since then so it'd probably be okay. Thing is . . . thing is, even if he has, I'm not sure that he wouldn't let some of what he used to do out and as young and impressionable as Harry is . . . well, I promised James and Lily that I'd do my best for Harry if the worst happened. So . . . that's why I came to you, you're the one person in the world I trust to look after him when I can't."
"I . . . thank you, Sirius, I'll do it."
"Knew I could count on you," Sirius said with a grin. Like hell anyone could spend more than a decade in Azkaban without holding a grudge.
Omake: Everyone Has a Past
In a flash, the child had the policeman's tazer out of its holster and he pulled the trigger as soon as he was confident of hitting the odious man. The robed idiot dropped to the ground and began screaming, music to the ears of the family he'd tormented.
"What are you doing, kid!" the policeman's partner screamed, ripping the weapon from their hands.
"He deserves it for what he did to us!" the child replied hotly.
"I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it," she sighed, drawing her own tazer. "But you hit him in the chest." She pulled the trigger and its two pins embedded themselves in a lower target. "Next time, remember to aim for their balls, where it'll hurt more."
Sparks danced in the woman's eyes as she locked on to the man's fallen form and her grin rose with the pitch of his screams. Tell her she was a worthless mudblood that would never amount to anything would he? See how he liked being on the other side of things for once.
Omake: History Hurts
Harry influencing Voldemort through his scar story line.
"Lucius, I've been doing a bit of reading and do you care to guess what I learned?" Voldemort asked with a flat look.
"What, my lord?"
"I learned of an ancient muggle cult in which followers of a god would remove their testicles as a show of devotion. Do you know how that made me feel?"
"Amused at the folly of muggles, my lord?" he suggested hopefully.
"CRUCIO! No, you fool, it made me angry that none of my followers has chosen to do the same as a show of devotion to me," the Dark Lord hissed.
"Di-didn't Pettigrew cut off his hand for you, my lord?" Lucius simpered.
"A hand is hardly equivalent to a pair of testicles," Voldemort replied. "There is a partially sharpened spoon on the table next to you, Lucius. I think you know what is required of you."
"My . . . my lord?" the man asked, feeling faint.
"If you can not do it yourself, Bella has agreed to help you," the Dark Lord said magnanimously.
"I'm going to use a pair of vice grips," the unbalanced woman announced, stepping out of the all concealing shadows. "I'll start out with them opened as wide as they go and then slowly crank them down."
"Be sure to thank her for taking the time out of her busy schedule to do this for you, Lucius, and to thank me for allowing it. There are dozens of prisoners in the dungeons that will go un-tortured while she's aiding you in this show of devotion."
"Will . . . will I be provided with a replacement afterward, my lord?" Lucius asked, grasping at straws.
"I think one of my greater mistakes was to promise Wormtail that I would give him one ahead of time," Voldemort said, looking contemplative. "Your devotion isn't quite so dramatic if you know that the damage will be undone. No, I think it's better if you're forced to rely on my mercy and generosity."
"Yes, my lord," Lucius said in defeat.
"Bella, who do we have next?"
"My worthless nephew and his potentially traitorous godfather, my lord," Bellatrix chirped, having the greatest day ever.
"Remind me to plan something special for them," Voldemort commanded. "Snape for his dubious loyalty and Draco for being such a smarmy little shit."
"As you command, my lord."
AN: Fairly tempted to use the title of this when I get around to starting another idea file for Harry Potter fics.