Disclaimer: Puns are the lowest form of humor.
A Siriusly Senior Firsty
GRYFFINDOR!
The Deputy Headmistress lifted the sorting hat off of his head causing Sirius to squint, to protect his eyes from the sudden intrusion of light.
It wasn't possible.
"Off to your table, Mr. Black," his new head of house prompted. "We still have students to sort."
"Yes, Professor," he replied automatically.
Even with all the wonder of magic, how in the world had he been sent back to his first year? Sent back and given time enough to set things on a better path.
Ah well, he decided. No sense worrying about things he couldn't figure out. Best to spend his time worrying about things he could. Silently noting the way two of his three cousins were glaring at him and remembering how things had gone the first time, he set to plotting. One week before his father stormed in to have a family meeting about choosing the wrong house. One week to prepare. One week to cause so much chaos that even a Lovegood would be impressed at the havoc he had wrought.
IIIIIIIIII
The head of the Black family's face was impassive as he stared at the man across the desk, waiting for him to break the silence.
"Yes . . . well . . ." Dumbledore cleared his throat. "As I've said, it requires the permission of both the Headmaster and the student's Head of House to allow the student a chance to be resorted." The man gave him a grandfatherly smile. "I of course have no objections, but I'm afraid Minerva may not be quite as accommodating."
"So fetch her," Orion growled.
"I've notified the elves that her presence has been requested and she should be here . . . ah." He paused as the wards announced the arrival of the woman in question. "That must be her now."
Orion Black had known Minerva, then Weir, since shortly after setting foot on the train for the first time. They'd disliked each other on sight and that dislike had only grown over the years.
To his intense shock, a smile bloomed on the woman's face, completely ruining the normal flush of pride he felt every time he noted he slight crookedness of her nose and the memory that came with it.
"Orion." The woman's smile grew wider. "I was wondering when we'd be graced with your presence." Even more worryingly, there wasn't so much as a hint of sarcasm in her tone. "Here to get young Sirius resorted? You of course have my full permission and support."
A small portion of his mind noted the fact that Albus Dumbledore's expression made him look as if he'd just swallowed an insect. That too failed to bring the normal thoughts of happiness that would come with it.
"I'm sure you'll want a bit of time alone with the boy before the resorting," Minerva continued. "Please feel free to use my office for the meeting. Dippy." A house elf appeared. "Please tell young Mr. Black that his presence is required in my office."
"Yes, Perfessy Figuration," the creature squeaked.
"Albus, why don't you prepare the hat while I show our guest to my office for his meeting," Minerva ordered. Orion felt as if his arm had been clamped in a steel vice. "Come along, Orion, I'm sure you remember the castle quite well but I would not dream of allowing even the chance that a guest as important as yourself getting lost and being late for such an important meeting with his heir."
"Yes, well . . ." His mind frantically worked to think of a reason for the woman's behavior as she dragged him through the castle. "I trust my son has been diligent in his studies." That seemed like a safe subject to bring up.
"Of course." The woman slowed down as she formulated her response. "In fact, if we were to take only practical grades into account, he is the top student in every subject. So much so that I can't help but wonder if Hogwarts is really the best place for him."
"What?"
"I hear that there are some very good practical courses in outer Mongolia that might better help him to realize his potential. In fact, there are a number of schools in isolated locations far from here all around the globe that you may wish to consider transferring him to. I shall be sure to send you a list after I've had a chance to consult with my colleagues. I am quite sure that they will all jump at a chance to see young Sirius get the education he deserves somewhere else." They came to a halt in front of a large oaken door. "And here is my office. Please do not hesitate to help yourself to the contents of the top drawer."
"Yes . . . thank you."
"Your son should be here shortly." She said over her shoulder as she walked away. "I'll just see about getting you that list, shall I?"
It didn't take long for his wayward child to arrive. Needless to say, that meeting was another that did not go as he expected it to.
Orion glared down at his eldest, a bit nonplused by the fact that it seemed to have no effect on the boy. "Well," he barked, breaking five minutes of silence. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"About what, father?" the boy asked, apparently confused by the question.
"About the fact that you've chosen to shame our house by allowing the hat to place you in Gryffindor," he allowed his voice to drop to a hiss. Depressingly, it seemed to have as much effect on the boy as his glare.
"Shame?" Sirius repeated the word, looking confused. "But . . . but I was just following mother's advice."
"Your mother advised you to seek placement in the lion's house?" he asked in disbelief. This conversation was not going the way he'd expected it to. He'd expected to be facing either a sullen or a remorseful boy. Not . . . not this.
"Yup," Sirius agreed proudly. "She said Slytherin was the best place to find a proper wife, that Ravenclaw would do if I could not find one in Slytherin, that Hufflepuffs were a bunch of unimportant plodders, and that Gryffindor was full of loose slags that would do anything to anyone for two knuts."
"You asked to be placed in Gryffindor because your mother said it was filled with scarlet women?" Orion repeated dumbly.
"Yup," Sirius agreed. "Only . . ."
"Yes?"
"Only, I think mother's information was wrong."
"Oh?" he perked up, hoping to hear something that would give him the leverage he needed to get his son into a proper house.
"For one thing, it looks like Slytherin's full of bum-bandits," the boy said conspiratorially.
"It's full of what?"
"Bum bandits," Sirius replied. "I heard some of the seventh years talking about it on the train. It's why I told that hat to put me anywhere but Slytherin. I mean, I guess it's find if that's the sort of thing you like, but it's not the sort of thing I like."
"Do you know what a bum-bandit is, son?" He wasn't sure what answer he wanted to hear.
"The same seventh years explained it to me," the boy replied with a nod.
"I see." And he did, looked like he should have taken more of an interest in the boy's upbringing. "Do I need to explain to you the importance of not relying on rumor to make decisions?"
"I didn't, father, I spent five minutes observing Lucius Malfoy. He spends all his time in the company of two other boys and takes more care of his hair than any ten of the girls combined."
"I see." He hated to sound like a broken record but he was finding it hard to process everything his son was saying.
"She was also wrong about Hufflepuff," Sirius continued, looking a bit subdued.
"In what way?"
"The girl with the biggest bosom at Hogwarts is in Hufflepuff," Sirius replied. "I was gonna ask the hat to put me there until I found out that she was Headgirl so she has her own suite."
One spot of bad luck averted. As bad as the shame of a son being sorted into Gryffindor was, Hufflepuff would have been infinitely worse.
"Shouldn't have second guessed myself," Sirius sighed. The boy reached into his pocket and pulled out a parchment covered in complicated equations.
"What's this?"
"Proof that Hufflepuff girls have the biggest Hufflepuffies in the school on average."
"What do your cousins have to say about this?"
"Not much since I lost two of them," Sirius admitted. "Sometimes you play the odds, sometimes the odds play you."
"Exactly how can you lose a cousin?" Perhaps the muggleborn notions on the dangers of inbreeding were not quite as misguided as he had thought them to be. It was a matter he was going to have to give careful consideration.
"Well, I suppose Andy wasn't so much lost as traded away," Sirius said thoughtfully. "Bella definitely was though."
"You traded your cousin Andromeda?" The man made a mental note to spend more time with his younger son to be sure the lad was being brought up right. The best way to prove the muggleborn wrong was to show them that nurture was far more important that nature.
"It was the only way I could confirm a key piece of research data," Sirius explained.
"What research data?"
The boy pulled a bra out of his pocket and held it up to show that it was of a truly legendary cup size. "That Amelia Bones is all natural."
"You traded Andromeda for a used bra?"
"No, father, that would have been silly," Sirius laughed. Educated by how the conversation had been going so far, his father just braced himself for the next shoe to drop. "I traded her for continued access to the Hufflepuff dorms."
"What about Bellatrix?"
"Lost her in a game of exploding snap with one of the first year Slytherins," Sirius sighed. "But it wasn't my fault, father, I had the second best possible hand."
"Who had the best?"
"Severus Snape," Sirius replied.
"That is not a pureblood name."
"Half-blood from the Prince family, but he knows more about dark magic than most of the seventh years so Bella's happy." Sirius grinned. "He's also really good at Potions. The professor says he had the potential to be a master some day."
"Oh?" Orion perked up a bit, better than it could have been he supposed.
"And when that happens, I'll contact him and offer to take Bella back for the low price of everything he owns and fifty percent of his lifetime earnings," Sirius said happily. "Bella's such a crazy bitch that he's already offered to give me everything he owns. I told him that he didn't have anything I wanted yet and that he needed to work hard to earn enough to make it worth my while."
Orion pinched the bridge of his nose. "Don't say rude things about your cousins. Dare I ask what misfortune has befallen Narcissa?"
"She's been hiding in the Gryffindor girls' dorms so I haven't been able to use her in my plans yet, father."
"Exactly why has she been doing that?"
"James Potter called dibs on one of the muggleborn first year girls and he says that means I can't sneak into their dorm. I disagree but I've agreed not to until after we have a chance to argue the issue before the Wizengamot and get an official ruling."
IIIIIIIIII
Orion was both physically and mentally drained by the time he got back to the house that night. The day had not gone remotely how he'd imagined it would when he'd set out that morning. He'd thought he was going to discipline his eldest and set things right. He'd ended up learning far too much about his son, far too much about his eldest niece, that his middle niece was indeed a crazy bitch, and that his youngest niece had developed a phobia of being traded off or lost in a bad bet and thus refused to go anywhere without being accompanied by bodyguard consisting of several Gryffindor girls.
He attributed this reversal in the family fortune to several things: his inattentiveness, the fact that his wife was insane, and possibly to the fact that the family tree had been a bit too straight over the past couple of generations.
"Did you sort out your son?" his wife demanded shrilly, the moment she noticed his presence. It was a fine greeting, he thought to himself, and yet another piece of evidence for the case that the whole situation was her fault.
"I did not."
The woman drew her wand and turned to the family tapestry.
"I did learn however, that the entire situation is due to your influence over the boy," he said quickly, trying to remember if the tapestry was on a load bearing wall.
"Why do you say that." On the good side, her wand was no longer pointed at what, on reflection, he was sure was a load bearing wall. On the minus, it was now pointed at the space between his eyes.
"Do you remember telling him that Gryffindor was full of loose women that would do anything to anyone for two knuts?"
"What of it?"
"Sirius decided that he liked the idea of spending the next seven years surrounded by loose women," Orion explained. The wand was no longer pointed between his eyes. "He also wished me to pass on that your information is a bit out of date as none of the girls have taken him up on any of his offers so far and that far from being the house of plodders, Hufflepuff is now the house of top heavy girls."
"What did he say about Slytherin and Ravenclaw?" she asked, sounding curious.
"That Slytherin appears to be the house of wizards who prefer the company of other wizards, something that should make it easy to get a proper wife if and when the time comes, and that Ravenclaw is the house with the best wards on the girls' wing."
"As expected of my son," the woman said, apparently satisfied by the answer.
"What?" This was far from the reaction he'd been expecting.
"To be able to gather such detailed information on the houses in his first week. He is truly worthy of being called the heir of the Black family. Tell me, what else has he done?"
"He's traded off Andromeda for information on Hufflepuff cup sizes and continued access to their dormitories and lost Bellatrix to another student in a game of exploding snap."
"And Narcissa?"
"Has taken refuge in the Gryffindor girls wing to avoid a similar fate."
"Tell me about these boys who will soon be entering the family."
"The first is a half-blood Prince who has the potential to become a potions master."
"Barely acceptable," she sniffed.
"The second is a muggleborn," he finished.
"What?!" Now there was the reaction he'd been expecting. "Which girl?"
"Andromeda."
"And exactly what does she have to say about the situation?!"
"She states that she does not object because Sirius found her the perfect husband."
"A muggleborn?" his wife hissed in disgust. The wand was again pointed at the family tapestry.
"A muggleborn prefect, a muggleborn from a fairly wealthy family, a muggleborn that has the potential to do great things, a muggleborn so the bribes to the Ministry won't be too high if she decides to dispose of him," he said dully.
"They wouldn't be, would they?" his wife said thoughtfully. "Such a considerate girl to take the family's financial situation into account."
Genetic then, he thought with a mental sigh. He'd just have to hope an infusion of new blood would help dilute the madness. Andromeda and Bellatrix seemed to be on track so he just had to ensure that his sons found love outside the family tree and that, provided she was able to cure her new batch of phobias, Narcissa did the same.
AN: Just a bit of stupidness.
Typos by Luan Mao, Jim Trigg
Omake: The Economical Victim
"So how'd it go?"
"Hmmm?" Andromeda regarded her now official boyfriend through half lidded eyes.
"The meeting with your uncle?"
"I find myself having to revise my opinion of Sirius," she admitted.
"In what way?"
"The entire meeting went exactly as he said it would," she replied. "I even got a nice note from my aunt thanking me for being so considerate of the family's financial situation."
"She thinks you're marrying me for my family's money," he sighed. Better than he expected and bearable since he knew it wasn't true.
"No. Because the fact that you're a muggleborn means that it will be relatively simple and inexpensive for me to dispose of you if I grow tired of you or if you annoy me in some way. It was one of the arguments suggested by Sirius."
"You used it?"
"I am a Black," Andromeda pointed out with what, under different circumstances, would be a sultry grin. "Of course you now realize what a bad idea it would be to suddenly get cold feet. You did promise to take care of me for the rest of my life when you heard how my uncle was likely going to respond to the knowledge of our relationship."
Omake: Hell is Other People
Severus shuddered at the look on his self-proclaimed girlfriend's face as she regarded the unfortunate fourth year that was the target of her ire.
"You dare to fire a tripping hex at my Sevvybuggins when he's coming down the steps to meet me," her eyes were lit with the fires of insanity. "Tell me one reason I shouldn't break every bone in your body and feed your testicles to a rat." Her smile deepened. "Without first detaching them."
"I think he'd have an easier time responding if you hadn't shattered his lower jaw," Severus said as dryly as he could.
It could have been worse, he supposed, the older years could have turned on him for the 'crime' of sullying a pureblood maiden. As it was-he winced at the sound of Lestrange screaming through what little remained of his jaw. As it was, that had not happened. With two exceptions, the older years had been nothing but supportive of his relationship with the middle Black sister. One of them had even gone so far as to promise that he would do everything possible to ensure that nothing occurred that could possibly make her single again. He had to avert his eyes at Bellatrix's response to the younger Lestrange brother's attempt to object to the treatment of his brother. He'd been confused by that until after he'd gotten a chance to get to know the girl. They'd made perfect sense after that.
It had certainly hurt when Lily had stopped them in the hall to offer her congratulations and to repeatedly state that she saw him as nothing more than a friend but he understood, he'd already spent most of the day with the girl and Lily's reaction made perfect sense by that point.
"I'm so sorry, Sevvybuggin, I didn't leave anything left for you," she threw her arms around him and gave him a wet sloppy kiss."
"Seeing you happily occupied with them made me happy," he stated truthfully. They'd given him a few precious moments in which he was not the sole focus of her attentions.
AN: Typos by Luan Mao
Omake By stormkitsune
Stoppering Death was easy, this required talent!
Sirius looked at Severus askance as the other fifth year sat down in the classroom he'd requested they use for this meeting. He'd noticed something very peculiar and he needed to see what exactly was going on to make sure that he wasn't about to deliver Snape and Bella straight into Voldemort's arms again.
"So Snape, you're looking... remarkably well rested and unharried. And Bella was looking like a cat that just got the cream. Coupled with your owl over the winter hols about reconsidering my offer to take Bella off your hands in the future, I take it something's happened?"
Sirius gave Snape some grudging credit when the other teen didn't rise to the bait immediately. "She and I have come to a mutually beneficial understanding. Actually, I was wondering if you might be able to help me make inroads with your father to make her and I official?" His tone turned the tiniest bit questioning there, but he kept his expression neutral. Sirius steepled his hands, looking over at Snape.
"I'll consider it... if you tell me exactly what you've done to calm Bella down. She's a good actor but I've known her since she was in nappies. She's not nearly as high strung as she was before the break." Snape looked ready to object, and Sirius held up a hand. "I give you my word as a Black that I will not use this information against either you or her." It wasn't a Wizard's Oath, but with the turns that his father had been making in the family's heading, it was good enough.
Snape mulled it over for a long moment, before nodding. "Very well. I'd noticed over the past few years of our... relationship, that Bellatrix has an alarming tendency to go from very highly strung, to very melancholy and even apathetic occasionally. After a long bout of study, and consulting with Lily, we came to the conclusion that she may suffer from a combination of issues that make her mental equilibrium more like a ship at sea rather than the pendulum that other people's tend to resemble, tossing and turning at a moment's notice and her barely clinging on. To that end, I've been giving her a modified and carefully dosed calming drought. That's helped her get her "keel even" to quote Lily's father. I've found that she's actually quite an interesting conversationalist when she's not manic or depressed."
Sirius looked at Snape for a minute, tapping his lip with a finger, before wagging it at the Slytherin. "That's not everything. I know that kind of walk she's been having lately, and you've been substantially less dour yourself, even if you're a better actor than she is. You two have been shagging like bunnies haven't you?"
The flush that crept up Snape's suddenly stiff neck was all the answer he needed, and Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Given my own track record, I'm not about to hang you by your thumbs Snape. So long as you're both being careful, I won't say a word of it to father, and I'll help you with your suite. But if she joins the pudding club, you're on your own."
Stay tuned for the next installment of our tale of time travel, should it ever come, in which we'll be introduced to such characters as . . .
Narcissa Black, Master of Disguise
and
Innocent looking black puppy that keeps attempting to sneak into all manor of places he shouldn't be.