Disclaimer: I would not advise doing anything that Sirius does. While he's not a trained professional, he is insane.
A Siriusly Senior Firsty (Odd Ideas 161) Part 02
A Siriusly Silly Plan
Ted eyed the serious-looking firsty, more than a bit impressed at they way the boy had managed to separate and isolate him from the other Puffs. One of the major downsides of his house was the fact that it was no easy feat to shake off one's housemates in order to spend a bit of time with a girlfriend in another house. His gaze turned wary at the thought of girlfriends and her relationship with the now dangerous firsty.
"What can I do for you?" he asked, trying and succeeding to look friendly.
"You're dating my cousin," the firsty said bluntly. "If my father finds out, she'll likely be thrown out of the family when she goes home. If my mother finds out, she'll likely be killed along with you and your entire family."
"Are you threatening me?"
"Warning you," the boy replied. "I almost forgot. My name is Sirius Black, Andromeda's most handsome cousin."
"Ted Tonks," he said dryly.
"I know," Sirius stated. "Like I said, you're dating my cousin."
"How did you get that piece of information?" he tried, being careful not to confirm it.
"In addition to being handsome, I'm also devilishly clever." The boy grinned. "That means I prepared this classroom to help in case I misjudged your intelligence."
"How do you mean misjudged my intelligence?"
"The fact that I'm here alone and that you haven't been castrated should show that I am on your side here," Sirius explained.
"I see. Why come to me? Why not Andromeda?"
"She'd never have been stupid enough to be led to ground of my choosing," the boy said cheerfully. "She's also a lot more dangerous than you." The boy paused to think. "Oh, and she'd probably hex me a few times just on general principles so the other Slytherins didn't think she was getting soft before she went anywhere with me and then she'd hex me a few times so I didn't look so pretty that the other Slytherins started wondering what we were up to when they couldn't see us."
"Oh."
"And that's assuming she didn't decide that it would be safer to wipe my memories and enact her escape plan. This way, I have a hostage for if I have to talk to her."
"Hostage?"
"Touching that door handle was a very bad idea," the boy explained. "Not as bad as if one of my cousins were the one who wanted to meet with you, but bad enough to at least make her think about things before she started hexing."
Ted closed his eyes and slowly counted to ten. Andromeda was lucky that she was gorgeous, fun to be around, and blessed with a delightfully dry sense of humor or he'd be giving some serious thought to wether it was worth it at this point.
"Alright," he said. "What do you want?"
"To help you of course," the boy said, looking at him like he was as dim as one of the Cartwright twins. "Why else would I have arranged this meeting?"
Ted closed his eyes and counted to twenty.
"Exactly how can you help us?"
"I'm the heir. Means I get to use all sorts of stupid rules that haven't been used in forever," Sirius explained. "I'm going to use one of them to give Andy a bit of cover. Won't do much for you or your family if Mum finds out, but she'll be safe."
"That's something, I suppose," Ted allowed.
"And I should be able to help with that if Andy cooperates," Sirius continued. "All I need from you one of Amelia Bones' bras and an open invitation to visit the Hufflepuff dorms."
"What?"
"I need to get something of value in return or it doesn't work," Sirius explained.
"How am I going to . . . why do you even want it?"
"Access to the dorms not a problem then?"
"Any Hufflepuff can let anyone in at any time for any reason. Blanket invitations aren't exactly rare either," he said. "Amy's . . . bra, is going to be a lot more difficult."
"Why?"
"She's the top student in several classes and has a mean streak a mile wide," Ted snorted. "That leaves aside whatever defenses the castle might have in and around the Head Girl's suite."
"Why does any of that matter?" Sirius asked, his tone somehow indicating that his opinion of the older boy's intelligence had dropped yet again. "Just explain why you need it and ask her. She'll give you one if you explain what I told you about being heir and how the family will react to the fact that you're dating Andy."
"Tell you what, I'll do that and if she says no, you have to ask for something else. Something I can get without committing any felonies."
"Deal, but only on the condition that you ask one of the girls to get me a list of all the upper year girls' cup sizes."
"Fine," Ted sighed. "I suppose I can ask Amy for that too."
"Just be sure to make her promise to keep quiet and not retaliate no matter what happens before you tell her why," Sirius advised. "It might be best to explain why you need everything before you explain what you need too. Safer anyway."
"Fine."
Surprisingly and confusingly, Amelia Bones looked more thoughtful than enraged after he explained exactly why he wanted a very personal item of hers.
"I hope you realize exactly what you owe him for this," the Head Girl said firmly. "You're lucky that girlfriend of yours has at least one family member on her side."
"Mwha?" Better not to ask questions, he decided, no telling what it would do to his sanity to follow the chain of wizard logic until it started to make sense. "Uh, right."
"Definitely one to watch," the girl said to herself.
"Yeah, uh . . . he also wanted a list of all the girls' bust sizes," Ted said cautiously.
"Of course," Amelia said, pulling a parchment out of her pocket and carefully duplicating it.
"Why . . . why do you have a list of the measurements of all the girls in our house?" Ted asked, more than a bit afraid to hear the answer.
"You have to know these things when you're a prefect," she sniffed.
"I see." Another question best left unasked, he decided quietly. "I, uh, I gotta go find Andy. Sirius tells me she'll probably want to speak with him."
"I can take care of that," Amelia said calmly. "Where do you wish her to be?"
"Outside the rainbow painted armor on the third floor next to the portrait of the man with eyes on the palms of his hands."
Despite having gone directly from the Head Girl's suite, Andromeda was waiting when he arrived.
"How did you get here so fast?"
The girl raised a perfectly formed eyebrow and twitched her lips in a way that attracted the entirety of his attention in reply.
"Right," he coughed. "Uh, this way." Two secret passages a firsty should never have known about, another mystery to be ignored, later and they were outside the door Sirius had told him to go to.
"Wait outside," Andromeda purred. "I may have to be a bit short with my precocious little cousin and I would prefer for you not to see me like that."
"Whatever you think is best," he said doubtfully. "Uh, before you go in."
"Yes?"
"He says he coated the doorknob with something before I met with him in the other room."
"He didn't on this one," Andromeda said with another fascinating lip twitch. "He knows what I would do to him when I detected it and he also knows that I would detect it."
"I didn't," Ted admitted without shame. "He wanted me to make sure you knew that too."
"Of course he did," Andromeda sighed. The girl regarded him silently for a few minutes. "But I still want to keep you."
"That's good to hear." He didn't laugh.
"This shouldn't take long," she promised before stepping into the room.
"Hello, cousin Andy!" Sirius said happily. "How are you?"
"I understand that you are meddling in my relationship?"
"As is one of my responsibilities as the heir," Sirius agreed. "Mother would be violently displeased to hear that you were dating a muggleborn, but the two of you look good together so I decided to arrange things so that it wasn't a problem."
"I see." The expression on her face would have done bad things for Ted's heart-rate and sent most of Slytherin backing warily away. "How exactly are you going to accomplish this?"
"I'm only going to do half of it," Sirius said cheerfully. "The rest is up to you, but don't worry, I've got that part figured out too."
"Oh?"
"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "Just be sure to tell Da that the main reason you're going along with this is because you want someone you can easily dispose of if the mood takes you without the family accounts taking too much of a hit," Sirius told her. "Be sure to mention his other qualities as justification on why you haven't done it yet, that and the fact that it would be difficult to do under Dumbledore's nose and a declaration of war on the Puffs of course, but play up the whole convenience thing."
"That sounds entirely too much like one of your mother's arguments," Andromeda said cooly.
"Yup," Sirius agreed with entirely too much cheer. "Which is why it'll work. Da's got years of experience dealing with Mum."
"That-" Andromeda paused to consider the matter. "Is a valid point," she conceded reluctantly. She brandished her wand. "Do I have to remind you of how displeased I will be if this goes badly."
"Do I have to remind you of the fact that I had time to prepare this room?" Sirius shot back.
Andromeda sighed, her wand disappearing back into its holster. "I'm going to have another talk with Ted about how important it is to be cautious."
"I can teach him," Sirius volunteered. "I wouldn't want you to have to do anything that might endanger your relationship."
"I use positive reenforcement with him," Andromeda stated. "I'll explain what that means when you're older and know enough to be embarrassed by what I'm telling you."
"Okay," he agreed.
"Though I will keep your offer in mind," she said warmly. "Thank you, cousin."
IIIIIIIIII
Eileen allowed her seldom used wand to fall into her hand. An hour. That's how long she'd been away from her house. An hour in which the few magical defenses she'd dared to put up had somehow disappeared.
The woman's breath caught when she noticed the state of the front door. Investigate things or run? That was the question. It was the thought of her son that settled things for her, someone after her might go after him if she made herself too hard to find. Better to end things now even if that ending was not in her favor. Severus would survive and she had not doubt the boy would be strong enough to move on. She took a deep breath and approached the door.
As Eileen got closer, her ears caught the unmistakable sound of someone attempting to scream through a gag. Still there then. She took another deep breath to calm her nerves. She held no illusions at what was likely to happen, it had been too long since she'd last used magic in an offensive manner, too long since she'd used any magic at all save for a few clandestinely cast household charms.
"I've lived the last few years as a muggle, but at least I can die a witch," she whispered to herself. With a brighter smile than had adorned her face in ages, she stepped into the house to meet her fate.
"Eileen," the last person she wanted to see greeted her with a smile. The woman, Walburga Black, was standing by her kitchen table which groaned under the weight of the bound form of Tobias Snape. There wasn't a mark on the man, not that that meant much, the only reason to leave them when using magic was for the show. "I hope you don't mind, but I tortured your pet muggle a bit to pass the time."
"To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure of your company?" she tried to keep her tone neutral.
"Do you remember my second niece Bellatrix?" Walburga asked.
"Vaguely. I believe she was born shortly before I was cast out of the family for sullying myself with a muggle," the former Prince replied.
"Sirius, my oldest and the heir to the family name, set her and your son up," Walburga stated with a smile. "My husband tells me they're adorable together."
"What?" she asked dully. No threats? No curses? Not even a mild hex? Just . . . just . . . what?
"Bella is quite interested in dark magic, and apparently your boy is the best in school."
"I . . . you're not angry about the match?"
"Why would I be after nearly every other boy in Slytherin sent a letter to the family stating how your Severus was such a good match that they would do all in their power to keep them together and after Bella's glowing letter about how he knew enough magic to survive the most advanced brain freezing curse she knew."
"I see."
"It's why I came down here, to welcome you to the family and back into polite society."
"Thank you, Walburga."
"I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of telling your father the good news that the Black family would declare a blood feud and murder him if he didn't reinstate you as heir to the family."
"I'll bet he was overjoyed to hear that," Eileen said dryly.
"So much that he insisted on going directly to Gringotts to be sure you had vault access restored after I showed him how easily the family could get to him and how ineffective his wards are," Walburga said cheerfully.
The most gnarled and sour faced house elf she'd ever had the misfortune to encounter popped into the room at that point in the conversation.
"Bad Prince has done as Mistress requires," the house elf reported.
"Give him the antidote and remind him that he will need another in thirty days if he does not wish to die screaming."
"Yes, mistress," the elf intoned. It's attention shifted to the bound form of her husband. "Bad muggle dares sully mistress with his filthy muggle eyes!" It spat and the spittle flew unerringly into her husband's left eye. "Bad muggle should-"
"Now! Kreatcher," Walburga growled.
"Yes, Mistress." The elf spat in her husband's other eye before disappearing with a pop.
"Now, dear, I was hoping you'd be free to come to dinner tonight?" Walburga asked hopefully.
IIIIIIIIII
The adorable black puppy slipped into the Headmaster's office and carefully concealed himself under the old man's desk. A few seconds later, the beast transformed himself into the dashing figure of Sirius Black. The boy monologued to himself as cast the charm that would make him invisible to portraits.
All that remained was for our handsome hero to accomplish his daring mission and to make his escape.
"Chirp?"
"Putting these papers in the Headmaster's inbox," Sirius explained. "Papers he will no doubt read without signing . . . sign without reading."
"Chirp?"
"Remind me. Are phoenixes so magical that they can remember the future that hasn't happened yet?"
"Chirp."
"Oh . . . because I'll give you your own bodyweight in strike anywhere lucifers if you look the other way."
The phoenix cocked his head. "Chirp?"
"Does it matter?" Sirius asked with a grin.
"Chirp!"
"Oh. Some new school policies and a few 'suggestions' to some of his 'friends' and allies in the government."
"Chirp?"
"Because there are some very bad people in the world getting ready to do some very bad things and I want to make things more difficult for them," Sirius explained.
"Chirp." The bird bobbed his head.
"Of course it's a prank," Sirius laughed. "I am paying you with something that has a high sulfur content, aren't I?"
"Chirp."
"No, the lowest form of humor is puns."
"Chirp?"
"Trust me, I should know. I'm Sirius about my humor."
AN: Looks like I didn't post this one either. Changing jobs and countries is distracting, looks like I still have at least one more thing to post after this. Oops.
Typos by Luan Mao
Omake: Narcissa Black, Mistress of Disguise
by Luan Mao
"What did you say?"
"And what are you doing here?"
"How did you even get in here?"
Narcissa Black, the extra girl in the Gryffindor First Year girls' dorm room, frowned. "I told you. I have to stay here so I can be safe. My cousin was talking about selling my sisters and me but they're older and he won't be able to get them so he'll be after me, I just know it! But he can't come here because Potter already called dibs on that girl over there and he told Sirius that it's no fair sneaking in and getting a look at his woman before he does. So can I sleep with you? I have money. My aunt said Gryffindor girls will let anyone sleep with them for two knuts."
"What! No!" one of the Gryffies shrieked. "We're not-"
"Quiet!" the redhead screamed. "What do you /mean/, Potter called dibs on me?"
"Hey, what's all this noise?" One of the prefects came in. She looked at the cluster of agitated younger girls, counted them, frowned, then counted them again. "Aren't there supposed to be five of you? Which is the extra? I haven't learned all your faces and names yet."
The babble of fragmentary explanations was eventually resolved into a somewhat coherent, if not at all logical, explanation. The prefect sighed. "I'm sure you misunderstood your cousin, Miss Black. Come on, I'll take you to your Head of House and let him sort you out. The rest of you, be more careful when you come in through the portrait. Now we have to change the password and everyone's inconvenienced. One point from each of you."
Professor Slughorn was not at all inclined to listen to Narcissa's fears, but at least the detention was an hour of safety. Too soon she found herself in her own dorm, huddled under the blanket and clutching her wand, for what little good it would do her. It was only the second day of school, but the girl swore she was going to spend every waking moment learning to protect herself from cousins and other dangers.
The next morning's Charms class was pointless in one sense - lighting the tip of her wand wouldn't keep her safe - but very useful in another. The professor had promised to teach Narcissa more advanced spells if she excelled in her assigned classwork. The highly motivated young witch consequently was the first in the class to get a light, and was rewarded by being taught a charm to change hair color. Her silken, black locks were the most beautiful in the family, everyone said so, but they made her too easy to spot in a crowd.
But then lunch came, and the word was all over the Great Hall: Sirius had sold Andromeda! The rumors were all over the place, but they agreed that some Puff boy had bought Andi, and sure enough, there she was at the Hufflepuff table, not looking happy but not looking as angry as she should.
Had Sirius cast some mind-altering spell on her sister? Sirius would be the head of the family someday. Had Grandfather already started teaching him spells to keep the family in line?
Narcissa shivered. That would be a very Black thing to do, so that's probably exactly what had happened. She had to be even more careful!
Transfiguration that afternoon was a waste of time. Changing a matchstick to a pin wouldn't keep Sirius away, and McGonagall wouldn't teach her any useful spells even if Narcissa promised to keep at the top of the class.
It probably didn't help that she couldn't focus. How could she? The Slytherins and the Gryffindors were together for that class, and there was Sirius, smirking at her the whole time. He was pretending to practice the spell, but she thought his lips were saying "You're next" every time their eyes met.
In the Common Room that evening, Narcissa ignored all the rest of her homework in favor of mastering the Charms work for this week and the next three weeks. She had to be the best! Flitwick would help her protect herself from Sirius. All the other teachers and all the other classes were useless. Useless!
Drawing a calming breath, the young, pretty, highly marketable, and justifiably worried witch then practiced the charm to change hair color. On the very first try she got a handful on the side to turn blonde. Success! If she changed her hair color a few times per day, Sirius would never catch her! Quickly Narcissa continued the rest of the way around her head. Finishing off with the top of her head-
"Sirius! How could you!?"
Bella's voice broke her concentration just as she finished. Looking over, she found her middle sister spinning herself up into one of her screaming, flailing, accidental-magic-my-ass fits, venting mostly on a happily smiling Sirius but sparing the odd vile word for that strange firstie, Severus Something, whose eyes were bouncing between Sirius and Bella with a look of growing horror.
A look of horror that matched the one growing on Narcissa's face when she realized what had happened. Sirius had gambled away the second sister after selling the first. Her simpleton cousin, the black sheep of the Black family, the ambitionless disgrace, had obviously been hiding his light under a basket. His evil, cousin-selling light that was just waiting for the proper moment to get the last of his cousins!
Narcissa Black, eleven-year-old member of a magical family which had kept its blood pure for centuries, did not know the word /hyperventilate/. Too bad. It fit the situation perfectly.
The only saving grace was that her newly-blonde hair was a good enough disguise that the girl could slip away without being recognized. Panicking and crying was always better without an audience.
Narcissa piled pillows underneath her blanket and then spent that night on top of her four-poster. She was small and slight and the rails were strong enough to hold her. It was uncomfortable, but better than the alternatives. She'd never again sleep in her own bed until that cousin-selling monster was behind bars!
The next day was another Charms lesson. Flitwick was impressed with both her classwork and her mastery of the hair spell. As a reward, she learned another hair spell, this one for lengthening and shortening, and mastered it by the end of class despite her fatigue. She'd certainly find a use for that! If she kept up her Charms excellence for a few more weeks, Narcissa would be safe from the monster forever!
If... if she had a few more weeks. In only two days, Sirius had sold and gambled away her two sisters. She wouldn't last even one more week! Not even another day!
There was only one thing to do: Narcissa had to devote every waking moment to disguising herself and hiding and keeping safe. She'd ask each of her professors for help, and if they couldn't or wouldn't help her, she'd ignore their classes. Keeping herself safe was the only thing that was important.
Leaving lunch, she caught up with the Gryffindor girls on the way to their shared Herbology lesson. She was still afraid of being caught while she slept, and the Gryff dorm was still the best place for her. And besides, her thigh was bruised from sleeping on that wooden bar above her own bed last night. No, sweet-talking her way into the Gryff dorm was the way to go. Sirius wouldn't go there. She'd be safe.
"Ladies," she led off. "I apologize for insulting you the other night. One of my housemates explained the two knuts comment to me. Can I make it up to you with some fun hair styling?"
The next few minutes' work left all six girls with different hair color and length. It was, of course, mere coincidence that Narcissa's hair was now a match for what Lily had started with.
"The hair styling isn't only for fun, you know," Narcissa pointed out as she renewed the spells after Herbology; they'd worn off half an hour into class. "If you have, say, an evil cousin or some boy who's called dibs on you, being able to change your appearance can be very useful."
"Teach me those spells," Lily demanded.
The girls spent the evening in the library. Lily worked on her Herbology homework. Narcissa didn't bother. The difference between soil types was useless to her. She put the time instead into learning more charms. The prize was a size-blurring spell to make someone look larger or smaller. If Evil Sirius was looking for a small firstie with long, black hair, he'd look right past a blonde who looked like a Fourth Year. This might let her keep away from him long enough to learn more disguise spells.
But spells weren't enough. They'd never be enough by themselves. The fearful witch made her way to the Gryffindor Common Room by blending in with a group of older students getting in just before curfew. She then changed her apparent size and slipped into the First Year girls' dorm after the others were asleep. She slipped underneath one of the beds for extra security and planned to make up for the previous several nights' bad sleep. Bliss! Safe at last!
A piercing shriek woke up half the tower the next morning. "Look! Look! You see!? He tried to get me but he missed and got Theresa! I'm next! I'm next! I have to get out of here!"
"For God's sake, calm down!" Abigail shouted as she shook the panicking Slytherin. "Theresa always gets up early and goes down to read. Get a hold of yourself!"
It didn't matter, Narcissa thought as she brought her panic under control. None of this mattered. Sirius was after her. He'd never give up until he'd managed to give her away. It didn't matter how well she disguised herself, he'd always find a way around it.
Advanced Charms work wasn't going to save her. No, she had to look elsewhere.
Potions. That was it. If she excelled in her Potions studies, she was sure Slughorn would teach her some advanced potions. Something subtle, something lethal. Just the thing to deal with evil cousins.
Disclaimer: Another looper Harry, it goes with a few of the previous looper Harry omake I've written and scattered around.
Unrelated Omake: Again and Again by me
Everyone in the Great Hall froze when Harry Potter abruptly stood up and lazily hit the defense professor with a curse that caused everything below his chin to liquify.
"Huh?" the boy said, looking around as he absently hexed his least favorite professor's legs together. "Haven't been back this far for a while." Without bothering to look, he reflected Flitwick's opening volley into the staff table.
"Enough!" Dumbledore shouted, transfiguring his lunch into a shield to block the wall of spells coming his way. The old man rose to his feet, power seeming to emanate from his body as his face formed into a most intimidating glare.
"Oh, hey," Harry said, taking notice of the old man. "Forgot you'd still be alive."
"Would you care to explain yourself, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore demanded, a bit confused at the boy's nonchalance.
"Sure. He's a supposedly dead death eater that broke out of Azkaban with the help of his father. I, on the other hand, am a time traveler." He summoned the dead man's wand and flask and seemingly tossed them into nothingness. "If there are no more questions, there is a lovely little tropical island I'm quite fond of that's both unplottable and calling my name."
Upon hearing the boy's pronouncement, the entire hall exploded into furious whispers.
"You claim to be from the future," Dumbledore stated, trying to regain control of the situation.
"No questions then?" Harry asked, ignoring the old man. "Then I shall bid you-"
"Wait!" one of the sixth year Ravenclaws yelled. "What happens to me?"
"How the hell should I know?" Harry demanded. "I doubt you've ever said as much as two words to me." He stroked a no-existent beard. "If I were to venture a guess, I'd say you were raped and tortured to death. Happened to a big enough percentage of you that I can safely say it."
"What?"
"Voldemort comes back. Some people supported him, though they presumable stopped after he ordered them to be raped and tortured to death for displeasing him in some minor way. Some people tried to keep their heads down, which resulted in the same fate but with slightly less monstrous behavior on their parts. Some people fought back. You were not one of the last category so I don't know. Any other questions?"
"What about me, mate?" Ron asked, figuring that he was one of those counted among the last group.
"You gave Malfoy a love potion by mistake," Harry said blandly. "You're very happy together." He looked around. "Then later. Nude beaches here I come!" Everyone stared in shock at the empty place that had once held the boy-who-lived.
"But?" Hermione broke the silence. "It's impossible to apparate in Hogwarts."
Addition by dogbertcarroll
"Really?" Ginny asked. "That's the one thing you pick to complain about?"
Hermione shrugged. "I was feeling nostalgic," she replied before apparating out, shortly followed by Ginny and half a dozen other girls from all four houses and various years.