Disclaimer: A SERIOUSLY stupid idea. One I don't recommend anyone read, best to skip this chapter altogether and go on to the next. You have been warned.
He Really Gets Around
Dumbledore allowed his gaze to sweep over his followers. Seated around the table were some of the finest witches and wizards he knew, the greatest bastion of the light against Voldemort and the forces of darkness.
"Thank you all for coming," the Headmaster began. "I have asked you here so that we may, as a group, collectively decide how to deal with our foe's latest move. Severus, if you would."
The spy took his feet, his expression conveying that he would have rather been anywhere but his present location and doing anything but give the report he was about to. "The Dark Lord has recently learned of a ritual that, if successful, would severely increase Potter's reserves of power at the expense of everyone branded with a dark mark."
The man unconsciously rubbed his arm. "There are a number of conditions Potter would need to meet in order for the ritual to be effective, the main-" The man's lips pursed "The main would be purity, Potter would need to have abstained from the sort of relations that would make him unacceptable to unicorns."
"Shame we won't be able to use it then," Sirius said loudly, a trace of smug coloring his smile. "There's no way in hell my godson, James' son, could possibly be a virgin."
"There's no way in hell any witch, or wizard in their right mind would sully themselves with such a dunderhead," Snape shot back. "Even that mud-gle born that hangs around him would have more sense than to settle on a talentless-" Snape ducked to avoid Sirius' first round of hexes and raised his wand to give a return volley.
"Enough!" Dumbledore rose a shield between the two men. "Sit! Both of you!" He took a deep breath. "Minerva, is there any indication that Harry has engaged in any relations?"
"I do not believe so, Albus," the old woman said, unwilling to admit to anyone, even herself, how poor her knowledge of what went on in her house was.
"Molly?"
"Ginny tells me their relationship has not progressed that far, Albus," the matriarch of the Weasley family replied. "Not that there's any chance my daughter would let it go that far before marriage."
"Wonderful." The old man smiled. "In that case, I think we can safely conclude-"
"Not without asking his friends," Sirius interrupted. "Unless of course everyone here went to tell their head of house after their first or any successive times."
"You did," McGonagall said dryly. "Fourth year, unless I'm mistaken."
"Now that we've settled that," Dumbledore said with a smile. "I think we can-"
"Uh." One of the members raised his hand, looking very uncomfortable. "Are we really going to use him as an example of what's normal?"
The Order members shared uneasy glances.
"Perhaps it would be best to bring the children into the meeting," Dumbledore suggested. "Just temporarily and only to confirm the information we've already determined."
After some discussion, it was determined that the best way to handle things was to bring them in as a group, minus the youngest Weasley whom her mother insisted on talking to herself and in private.
"I impressed on Ginny the importance of being honest and promised her that there would be no repercussions and she still said that she and Harry had not gotten past the point of exchanging heated glances in the hallways," Molly stated loudly. "As if there was any doubt. So bringing in the rest of the children is nothing more than a waste of time. Worse, it may give them ideas that fighting this war is somehow their responsibility." The woman took her seat with a huff after realizing that her words had not moved the crowd.
"Have the rest of the children come in," Dumbledore ordered calmly. The old man waited until the Weasley boys plus Hermione had taken their seats before continuing. "Children, let me first begin by promising that nothing you say here will go any further than this room and that there will be no consequences for anything you say here. What is important is that we get the truth, nothing else matters. Do you understand?"
They all indicated that they did.
"Now then." He allowed himself to smile wide. "What we need to know is if Harry has had any relations with any witches or wizards?"
Ron looked serious, the old man's words had gotten to him and he promised himself that he would do his best to ensure that the Order would get the information they needed. The twins, unsurprisingly, looked like they considered the whole thing a joke. And, oddly, Hermione rolled her eyes and pulled a book out of her pocket. It was strange to see such a normally serious girl make light of the situation.
"Ronald," the Headmaster began, setting aside the girl's odd behavior. "Why don't you begin."
"Harry's never even been kissed," Ron stated. "Unless you count Hermione giving him one on the cheek."
"Thank you, Ronald," Dumbledore said with a smile that suggested all doubts had been put to rest. "Now-"
He was interrupted again when the door opened to admit the guards that had been assigned to watch Privet Drive for the beginning of the meeting.
"What'd I miss?" Tonks asked, flopping into her chair.
"They think Harry's a virgin," Hermione spoke, not looking up from her book.
Tonks snorted in amusement as did Fleur.
"No really," the metamorph said.
"That is indeed what we are trying to determine," Dumbledore said gravely.
"You're kidding, right?" Tonks asked, staring at the old man as if he had grown a second head.
"I am not," he said gravely.
"He is not," Tonks said, aping both his tone and voice.
"What did you do!" Molly accused. "You . . . you . . . scarlet woman!"
"What I did was my job," Tonks replied. "I made a deal with him, he doesn't sneak out without me and I don't interfere in his personal life. It's the same deal we have with any kids assigned a protection detail. We're there to protect them, not to keep them on the straight and narrow or to prevent them from making any mistakes."
"So you have observed Harry having relations with a muggle girl?" Dumbledore prompted.
"A girl?" Tonks giggled. "No. A couple dozen, yes."
"What?/YES!" The look of shock on Dumbledore's, and those of most of his Order, were eclipsed by the look of glee on Sirius Black's face.
"I knew it!" the scion of the Black family shouted. "I knew my godson took after me!"
"You're sure that Harry is having relations with a number of muggle girls?" the Headmaster persisted.
"Wouldn't be surprised if he's doing every girl within an hour or so's walk," Tonks replied. "Half their mums too."
"You're absolutely positive."
"Pretend you are a rebellious teenage girl and there's a boy in the neighborhood your parents tell you to stay away from. What do you do?" Tonks asked. "Do you listen to your parents, or do you seek him out to have a tawdry affair?"
The look of dawning realization on the faces of a number of the Order were still eclipsed by the look of glee on Sirius' face. Ron Weasley on the other hand looked as if he were about to go into shock.
"Four girls since the start of my shift today," Tonks continued. "Two of them together."
By unspoken agreement, everyone ignored Sirius Black who had, by that point, jumped onto the table and engaged in a dance of celebration and joy.
"Lost track of the number of fist fights he's gotten into with angry fathers, brothers, boyfriends, and the like," Tonks continued. "Which explains why he's so unpopular in the neighborhood, not only is he shagging everything in a skirt but he's beating the tar out of anyone who objects."
"Perhaps . . . perhaps it only counts if it's a witch?" one of the Order members ventured weakly.
"It's something to look into," Dumbledore agreed. "All may not be lost if Harry has only dallied with muggles."
Fleur laughed. "I guarantee that there eez no chance that 'arrie 'as not enjoyed ze charms of magical girls."
"What?" the old man asked flatly.
"Nearly every girl who attended ze Triwizard from Beauxbatons along with at least 'alf of ze teachers," the French girl replied.
"Harry's the one who keeps wizards from taking their girlfriends for granted," Fred stated.
"Boyfriends know the girls will break up with them in a minute and shag Harry if they make them angry," George agreed. "No one wants to have their ex stand up in the common room and loudly state how they fell short and that how getting their needs taken care of by a pro when he can pencil them into his schedule beats having an amateur all to themselves."
"Only time I've ever felt sorry for that git Rodger," Fred agreed.
"N-nothing to add, Ms. Granger?" Dumbledore asked.
"Harry really ramped up since he started dating Luna Lovegood," the girl stated, not bothering to look up from her book. "For those who are unaware, Luna is both kinky and bisexual."
"I see." The Headmaster tried, and failed, to look like he was still in control of the meeting.
"You're saying that MY godson is dating a girl that doesn't mind if he shags other witches?" Sirius asked, eyes gleaming.
"She prefers it if he goes after witches that don't mind her watching and or participating," Hermione replied, eyes still on her book.
"My godson is so manly!" Sirius screamed joyfully, restarting his dance of joy.
"Why is Harry with that . . . that . . . hussy and not my Ginny?" Molly demanded.
"Because Ginny is a crazy stalker and Harry knows that you just don't stick your dick in crazy," Hermione explained calmly.
Everyone pretended not to see the stunner Dumbledore cast. No one had any desire to risk damage to their eardrums.
"How does he square that with dating a Lovegood?"
"Because she's not." Hermione closed her book and gave a heavy sigh. "You don't know how painful it was for me to have to admit that far from being crazy, Luna is perhaps the sanest person in Hogwarts."
"What?"
"That's her problem," Hermione explained. "She's too sane and the rest of us have trouble with that."
"Leaving aside the Lovegood family's reputation for eccentricity," Dumbledore said, still trying and failing to look as if he were in control of the situation. "Wha-"
"Why don't I know any of this?" Ron demanded, interrupting the Headmaster. "Harry's my best mate, you'd think he'd tell me," the last part ended in a insecure whine.
"Ron, Harry's a gentleman. Gentlemen do not kiss and tell," Hermione explained gently.
"Oh." The boy seemed satisfied by the answer. "How do you know, then?"
"Girls do not see themselves as being under the same restrictions," Hermione explained. "Thanks to gossip, I could, were I so inclined, give you a list of the relative merits and minuses of nearly every boy at Hogwarts."
"Oh." Ron seemed to mull it over. "How do I rate?"
"Start showering on a regular basis and learn to chew with your mouth shut and some girl might decide to find out," Hermione replied. "Which brings up the question of why we're discussing this in the first place."
"Sirius insisted we ask you after McGonagall and Molly both said there was no chance that Harry had ever experienced the joys of the opposite sex," Remus said dryly.
"Why would Professor McGonagall know?" Hermione asked in confusion. "It's not like she ever talks to any of us or even visits the common room."
Several eyes shifted to regard the Deputy Headmistress who looked as if she'd just been slapped.
"And that still doesn't answer my question," Hermione said firmly. "Why the interest in Harry's love life?"
"Dark tosser learned about a ritual or something that could be performed by Harry that would make him more powerful," Sirius said cheerfully. "Harry more powerful, not the tosser. But it would only work if Harry was a virgin."
"Really?" Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose. "What's this energy called?"
"Severus?" Dumbledore prompted.
"Mojo," the greasy man said sourly.
"Luna," Hermione sighed, sounding exasperated.
"Care to elaborate, Ms. Granger?" Dumbledore asked.
"Luna has her eyes on a couple of the girls in Slytherin," Hermione stated. "This all sounds like one of Luna's plans to have you-know-who help her with that. I can't even imagine the deviant smutty things she'll have them do to her to have her have Harry do them."
AN: Yes, I did do something similar to this in the past. No, it wasn't good ether.
A number of typos by Luan Mao