Disclaimer: Under the right circumstances, there is nothing more terrifying than a momma's boy.

Spark Harry

Note: An alternate version of Odd Ideas #117 'Spark of MADNESS'

Privet Drive appeared to be an average street in an average suburb in an average bedroom community. The lawns were manicured, the flower gardens laid out with mathematical precision, the streets well kept and devoid of rubbish.

A closer look, however, revealed a certain air of . . . strangeness. The perfect streets were oddly empty, the vast majority of the houses seemed to lack the usual signs that would indicate inhabitation, aside from the dozen or so beady eyed lawn gnomes in every yard, the place was completely quiet - not even marked by the usual sounds of birds and insects.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!

The normal looking suburb's tranquility was shattered by a large explosion followed by a long column of smoke raising from house number four.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM SUCH A GENIUS!"

IIIIIIIIII

Harry spent several moments contemplating the beaker in his hand; fluorescent, smoking, and seemingly several colors at once. It was perfect.

"MINION!"

"Yeth, mathster," Vernon groaned, the commands the decade old subliminal commands forced him to reply.

"Drink up!" Harry commanded, watching eagerly to see what would happen.

The large man reluctantly complied with his orders while his nephew looked on. Nothing seemed to happen at first, well aside from the green steam shooting out his nostrils or the way his eyes began cycling through a dozen fluorescent colors, and Harry was about ready to call the experiment a failure when it happened. The man began growing in size until he had to stoop to avoid hitting the ceiling. A thick mat of brown hair grew from every part of his body and two sharp tusks protruded from his lower jaw. Two horns grew wildly and asymmetrically from the man's brow as a matching spade tipped tail extended from the base of his spine.

Harry's gaze remained focused for several more seconds until he was sure that nothing more would occur. Shoulders slumping in disappointment, the boy turned back to his notes. Who'd have thought it would be so difficult to get blue fur?

IIIIIIIIII

Petunia ignored the screams and explosions coming from the second floor with the ease of long practice combined with a full spectrum of the best emotion suppressing drugs her back alley pharmacist could provide. It wasn't easy living with her nephew, unfortunately she'd had the experience of growing up with her younger sister to draw on so she'd known enough to trick her husband into drawing the boy's attention so all she had to worry about was the occasional escaped experiment or explosion.

She looked up dully when the mail slot swung shut, announcing that the post office had managed to attract another sucker with the promise of double pay and that a letter had arrived.

Listlessly, the woman ambled towards the door to see what advertisements the new postal carrier had risked their life to deliver. Sitting atop the usual pile of junk mail and bills was a familiar looking yellow envelope, one that promised freedom and joy if only she could remember why and where she'd last seen one that looked like it.

The woman's eyes snapped open, a flood of endorphins washed away the chemical haze as she snatched it up and darted out the front door to her neighbor's house.

All it took was a few seconds of frantic pounding and repeatedly hitting the doorbell for her neighbor to open the door.

"You!" Petunia yelled. "You know about magic, you have to, you're the boy's minder, aren't you . . . AREN'T YOU?! There can't be any other reason you'd be daft enough to stay here not after . . ." the woman shuddered. "The boy's letter arrived today. Tell them we accept and that it's best if he had a chance to get his things now, today!" A maniacal grin appeared on her face as she contemplated being free again. "No need for him to return, really best if he had a chance to explore the magical world on his own until school started. Next summer too! No need for him to ever return."

"I'll just go use the floo then," Mrs. Fig stated. Making a mental note to do her best to impress on whomever came just what a good idea it would be for the boy to have a bit of extra time in Diagon so that he'd have a better understanding of his heritage before going to Hogwarts. Her neighbor was right about one thing – she lived there because she had to, not because she didn't want to move to a quieter neighborhood on the other side of the world.

IIIIIIIIII

Sinistra was one of the younger professors at Hogwarts. Too young to have taught or even to have attended Hogwarts with either of the-boy-who-lived's parents, she wondered why she'd been chosen to deliver the boy's letter over her older more experienced colleagues. Perhaps they couldn't agree on who got the privilege? She wondered to herself as she walked down Privet drive. Lost in thoughts, the woman never noticed the way the lawn gnomes' beady eyes seemed to follow her as she walked down the street.

The fact that their sacrifice returned to Hogwarts three days late and wearing a disturbingly large hat told the more experienced professors exactly what they had to look forward to over the next seven years.

IIIIIIIIII

Peter took one look at the boy his 'owner' had been daft enough to join and panicked. Quick as you pleased, he slipped out of the boy's pocket and off the train just before it left the station intent on turning himself in to the Aurors and confessing every crime he'd ever committed. Azkaban may not be the most pleasant place in the world but anything was better than spending seven years with Lily's spawn. Just to be safe, he decided to commit a few fresh crimes on the way to the Ministry, just to be sure they couldn't refuse him sanctuary because of something stupid like a statute of limitations or something.

IIIIIIIIII

"Hmmm," the hat said. "Difficult. You'd do well in Ravenclaw, on the other hand . . ." on the other hand, it might be better to put him in the house that was the reason for the school motto. The house that produced the largest percentage of; dragon tamers, curse breakers, aurors, and other people who thought it a grand idea to track down the creatures that were the reason humans were afraid of the dark and then poke them repeatedly with sticks, the house filled with the people least important to the continued functioning of society. "Gryffindor!" Best to put him someplace where the damage done to the rest of the student body could be minimized. Losing the Ravenclaws would mean a world without clerks, losing the Hufflepuffs would mean a world without the ordinary people that make society function, losing the Slytherins would mean a world without politicians . . . damn! Oh well, too late to change his choice now.

AN: A Girl Genius Cross

Typos by runecutter, joeyzoot

Omake: Lily's Return

"Petty!" the redhead cheered upon recognizing the face that opened the door. "How have you been?" Lily spent a moment admiring the way her sister's hair shifted colors.

"You're supposed to be dead!" the elder Evans sister gasped. "They told me they were dead."

"They also said human experimentation was unethical and you should remember how well I paid attention to that," Lily sniffed. "Have you seen my son."

"He hasn't returned from school yet," Petunia replied. "And now that you're here, there's no reason for him to ever return. Why don't I help you pack up the things he left behind and then the two of you can get reacquainted far from here away from me." The woman's eyes lit up. "Or you could take the house and we could move to the other side of the world. Do you still have that list of places you never intended to visit?" Not that she had much confidence in it any more, Surrey had been at the top after all. Pity she'd never asked her sister for clarification or she'd have known the younger woman had meant Surrey, Canada.