Author's: and here's the 2nd chapter I promised... and EXTRA LONG and poignant and impactful (I hope) one for you faithful readers who waited for close to 8 months (sorry again about that).
Fight 49: Moment of Truth
"I'm so excited to spend the weekend on Ember Island. It's gonna be great to hang out on the beach and do nothing." Ty Lee rejoiced. She and Azula were standing on the deck of a Fire Nation ship pulled by a giant sea lion while Zuko and Mai were sitting under the shade of a red canopy nearby. Zuko stood up and walked away to the balustrade. He complained that doing nothing was a waste of time. They were being sent away on a forced vacation. He was feeling like a child. His sister told him to lighten up and not take it personally. Their dad just wanted to meet with his advisors alone... without anyone else around. "Doesn't your family have a house on Ember Island ?" Ty Lee excitedly questioned the princess who replied they used to come every summer when they were kids. "That must've been fun!"
"That was a long time ago." Zuko said.
Along the coastline, small docks led to extravagant stilted beach bungalows. Li and Lo were standing at a pier, waiting for them. The boat stopped and the twins greeted the kids. The teens looked up, displeased and skeptical, at the small shabby cottage that was going to be their home here. It was not even half the size of the other houses. The inside was like an ornate tropical room. The prince noted it smelled like old lady in here.
"Gee, I wonder why." His girlfriend sarcastically responded. How strange for a house where old ladies lived to smell like old lady... A moment later, Ty Lee happily sprawled in bed and snuggled against the pillow. She loved this seashell bedspread, unlike Mai who compared the decoration to sea waste. Her friend ignored her. The twins knew the kids were upset to have been forced to come here this weekend but Ember Island was a magical place that could help them understand themselves and each other if they kept an open mind and gave it a chance. The beach had a special way of smoothing even the most ragged edges. The old women's nonsense made Azula yawn. Suddenly, they stripped, revealing their elderly bodies in swimwear. Time to hit the beach! Mai covered Zuko's eyes.
Meantime, the Avatar's party was having fun in the crater lake of an extinct volcano. Toph was worried that Aang was exposing himself too much and told him to cover up. He said he was wearing trunks but she was talking about his tattoos. What if someone saw him?! Katara thought that given the high walls all around them, it was completely safe. Momo and Aang entered a tunnel and sped down the natural water slide, laughing. He yelled as he fell down the waterfall into another large basin. He didn't know that two Fire Nation officers had been lounging around nearby, and that they had seen him, the Avatar that was supposed to be dead, right as they had been complaining that nothing ever happened and this was the most boring job in the nation. The oblivious monk airbended himself out of the water and sprang back up the rocks. It was really him! The Avatar was alive! They placed the scroll with the precious information in the message tube strapped to the hawk's back and the bird flew away. This was so exciting!
The royal children and their two friends arrived at the beach. Mai and Zuko were sharing an umbrella. The sand was practically black as it was essentially made from volcanic rock. But far from this violent beginning, the beach was now scattered with people and red and yellow tents. Some kids were building an elaborate sand castle when it was suddenly crushed underfoot by Azula. They scampered away in fear when they saw her looming over them, and she kicked their sand pale after them. Ty Lee instantly caught the attention of a guy who started fawning over her. Azula turned away in jealousy when she saw that. The couple huddled together under the umbrella. The young man saw a seashell next to him, picked it, and offered it to his girlfriend.
"Why would I want that ?" She raised an eyebrow at him.
"I saw it and I thought it was pretty. Don't girls like stuff like this ?"
"Maybe stupid girls." Mai turned away.
"Forget it!" The prince angrily threw the shell away. What was her problem, even though he was trying to be nice and thoughtful? Weren't guys supposed to give presents to their girlfriend? Chenlian had been so happy when he had offered her this ribbon... Chenlian... even if she had no use for it she would have kept it. Chenlian always looked happy just being with him... he recalled her radiant smile when she had received the ribbon... and her devastated, tear-filled face when they had fought in those catacombs... and felt his heart cracking.
While he was lost in his sweet and painful thoughts, the shell landed next to a robust teen boy who looked back to see where it came came. His eyes fell on Ty Lee flipping her hair and laughing and he instantly fell for her. Suddenly, he was crouching between her and the shade guy and presenting her the discarded shell. She seemed happy with the pretty gift. He called her pretty too, causing the sun blocker to have a fit of jealousy. Meantime, Zuko had berated himself for having – yet again – been thinking about Chenlian. Every single day, it was the same thing. The more time went on, the more often he would notice he had been thinking about her all the time and reproach himself... to the point that now it was every few hours... and the more he confusedly felt a growing distance between Mai and him. But it wasn't good! He had made his choice! He was with Mai now! He couldn't be with Chenlian! So he had to shape up and make things work how they were! For his second attempt to please Mai, Zuko tried to offer her an ice cream since it was so hot. However, the scoop of ice cream fell onto her lap. She looked at it and sarcastically thanked him. That was really refreshing.
Azula was intently watching teenagers playing a game of kuai ball when a smirk curved her lips. She called the beach bums over, although she was harsh when ordering Ty Lee who was being fanned and worshipped (a third boy having joined the first two). The acrobat was smiling though as she walked on her hands to join her companions. When Zuko threw off his shirt, a bunch of girls cooed, blushed and giggled. Azula briefed her troops on the plan. With her keen insight, she had noticed that the 'girl with the silly pigtails' had a slight hesitation of her left foot, certainly due to a childhood injury. So if they consistantly served the ball to her left, they'd destroy her and the rest of her team. She dismissed them and everyone took their position. In this game you were forbidden to hit the ball with your hands, and you lost the point if it hit the ground on your side, but it was no problem for such fit and agile people as those four. They kept winning off that pig-tailed girl. Once, the ball flew over and landed next to two boys who looked back. Their attention was caught by the team dominating the game, and especially by the cute yet impressive Ty Lee and Mai. The guys checked them out more and more appreciatively as the match went on. For the tenth and last point, Azula jumped on her brother's back and kicked the ball with all her power. Like a meteor, the friction with the air caused the front to start burning up. The ball crashed in a fiery explosion, setting the net on fire.
"Yes! We defeated you for all time! You will never rise from the ashes of your shame and humiliation!" The princess declaimed like a tyrant having crushed all opposition on her quest for world domination even though this was just a random match of kuai ball... in other words, like she had gone nuts. She calmed down and turned to her teammates. "Well, that was fun." She said coolly after a deep breath. The two boys from earlier, Chan and Ruon Jian (who had, months ago, hit on Chenlian and had her cook for them in exchange for accommodation) approached Ty Lee and invited her and Mai to the party they were hosting this evening. Ty Lee gladly accepted as she loved parties. Mai stayed quiet. "What about me and my brother? Aren't you going to invite US?" Azula approached them, crossing her arms in displeasure. Ruon Jian and Chan looked at each other sceptically. "You don't know who we are, do you ?" Azula insisted.
"Don't you know who WE are? We're Chan and Ruon Jian." Chan gave a cool (smug) smile that really annoyed Zuko who was going to blow at them before his sister put her arm out to stop him. "But fine, you're invited. Just so you know though, some of the most important teenagers in the Fire Nation are gonna be at this party so... try and act normal." He warned the siblings, clearly unaware that he was actually speaking (being so rude) to his prince and princess.
"We'll do our best." Azula smiled evily.
"Why didn't you tell those guys who we were?" Zuko questioned angrily. He, his friends, and their twin caretakers were eating dinner. Actually, Azula had been intrigued. She was so used to people worshipping them (and loved it) that for once, she had wanted to see how people would treat them if they didn't know who they were.
"Like waves washing away the footprints on the sand, Ember Island gives everyone a clean slate. Ember Island reveals the true you." Li and Lo spoke mysteriously, then stood up and clapped twice and raised one arm in excitement. "To the party!" Too bad for them though, it was a teenagers-only party.
A messenger hawk with a black ribbon was flying over a river canyon. It was intercepted by a large Raven Eagle that bound it with its own black ribbon. The hawk fell to the ground and struggled as the Raven Eagle removed the scroll tied to its back and returned to its owner... the assassin sent by Zuko. He took the scroll with the precious information on the Avatar's whereabouts, read it, and burned it from the middle outwards.
Chan opened the door with a displeased expression. It was Azula and her friends who had arrived early. No one was here yet. She had heard him telling someone they'd be partying from dusk till dawn. It was dusk so they were here. She hadn't understood it was just an expression as he tried to tell her. Not fazed, and as usual intent on having her way, she replied their punctuality made them the perfect party guests. Chan reluctantly allowed them inside and warned them again. His dad was an admiral and had no idea he was having this party, so they better not mess anything up.
"That's a sharp outfit, Chan... careful, you could puncture the hull of an Empire-class Fire Nation battleship, leaving thousands to drown at sea... because it's so sharp." Azula pointed at his outfit. However, her intense and somewhat crazy expression, her dubious (not to say extreme and morbid) choice of words that didn't quite fit the circumstances were rather daunting, and offputting... and the object of her interest only replied with a short, awkward, and unenthusiastic 'thanks' that made her frown as he walked away. Ruon Jian who was checking himself in the mirror, turned and posed to greet the invitees.
"Pft. He thinks he's so great." Zuko scoffed before turning to Mai. "Well, what do you think of him?" He questioned her. Not like she could have any opinion about him since she hardly knew him. "You like him, don't you?" He insisted. His annoyed girlfriend sighed and walked away. He was not making any sense. Actually, seeing that show-off reminded him of another showy, but much more suave guy who kept hitting on his ex-girlfriend. And he also recalled that this ex-girlfriend was fine with his fits of jealousy... she even seemed to like it. He was jealous because he loved her and cared for her and wanted her to himself. When he had told Chenlian that he wanted her to feel insecure and jealous too, she had replied that she was the same. Right, jealousy was proof of care, so he had to act the part.
Some time later, the party was in full swing, although the youths were just coolly eating and chatting away. Among them were the not three but five guys who had met Ty Lee at the beach and got a crush on her. After a short verbal competition between themselves, they figuratively and literally cornered her. She tried to explain those things didn't matter because she liked them all. However, they obviously wanted to be special to her, and asked which of them she truly liked.
"I don't know, I don't know!" And unable to withstand the pressure and confusion, she beat them all and cartwheeled away. She escaped to Azula who was standing alone and in a foul mood... and didn't look too happy to see her friend again. "Oh, I'm glad you're here. Those boys won't leave me alone. I guess they all just like me too much." Now though, it sounded like she was boasting.
"Come on, Ty Lee, you can't be this ignorant." The princess replied, leaning coolly against a wooden beam, her arms crossed. The popular one didn't get what she was talking about. "Those boys only like you because you make it so easy for them. You're not a challenge. You're a tease. It's not like they actually care who you are." She wanted to knock her down a peg. Her mean words caused her friends to burst into tears though. She instantly regretted and apologized... and admitted having spoken out of jealousy. That surprised Ty Lee, that 'the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl in the world' would be jealous of her... "Well, you're right about all those things. But for some reason when I meet boys they act as if I'm going to do something horrible to them." She turned to look at the boys in the room.
"But you probably would do something horrible to them." Ty Lee laughed before noticing the sad expression on her friend's pretty face. "I'm sure they're just intimidated by you. Ok, look, if you want a boy to like you just look at him and smile a lot and laugh at everything he says, even if it's not funny." She advised. Azula didn't really like it as it sounded really shallow and stupid but decided to still try it. When Ty Lee posed and greeted her while pretending to be a guy, the princess laughed loudly and unnaturally, drawing the attention of everyone at the party who stared, bewildered.
Mai and Zuko were sitting together on a bench with a sour expression, and making sure to look away from the other. Why? For some reason, things never seemed to go well between them. They were always at odds for everything. Mai was so asocial, unfeeling and unresponsive. And Zuko was impossibly difficult, choleric, unmanageable, and intolerable. Her arms crossed, the girl complained she was bored.
"I know." Her boyfriend replied just as irritably.
"I'm hungry."
"So what?" He didn't feel agreeable enough to think too deeply about her words or show much consideration, especially given how cold and unpleasant she had been.
"So, find me some food." She insisted, ordering him like some servant. He grudgingly obeyed.
Azula approached Chan who was talking to a girl (who obviously had a thing for the admiral's son) and said she was ready for a tour of the house. As Azula was beautiful after all, the young man decided to give her another chance and handed his drink to the girl and gestured for Azula to follow him. The smirking princess placed her drink on the same girl's head. Drink that started to steam because of said girl's anger and jealousy. The two went to the balcony and he asked if this was her first time on Ember Island . She admitted that used to come here years ago.
"It's a great place if you like sand." He cracked. Azula followed her friend's advice and forced an enthusiastic laugh. "Yeah, it's like... 'Welcome to Sandy Land.'" The encouraged boy declaimed. Both laughed. Chan, looking pleased, came to stand right next to her. Azula complimented him. His arms looked so strong. "Yeah, I know." He flexed, showing off, and kissed her. "You're pretty."
"Together..." The princess began softly. "You and I will be the strongest couple in the entire world! We will dominate the Earth!" She proclaimed all too intensely, assertively, as blue fire balls burst from her hands and the torch behind her flared blue, bathing them in an eerie and menacing light. Frozen from the shock for a time, Chan recovered, smiled awkwardly and excused himself. He scooted around the balcony and disappeared. That woman was far too scary and dangerous after all! And Azula was left alone, confused and disappointed.
Chan stopped a good distance away and looked back. Really, what was with that chick?! True, she was quite pretty but there was no way anyone could date a girl THIS crazy! And he thought about this girl he had met once, months ago. What was she doing? Not only was she pretty and cool and strong, but she was also very kind and considerate, and such a great cook. And despite that, when she'd sometimes show those vulnerable sides, he'd just feel this urge to cradle her in his arms and comfort her. And the way she'd put up a front was just irresistible. She had something... subdued, mysterious... and captivating. Right, no other girl had ever captivated him like this one. After her disappearance, he and Ruon Jian had tried looking for her, to no avail. It was then they noticed her resemblance to that traitor, Chenlian, from a wanted poster, but it just couldn't be. What could she be doing now? Was she alright?
Zuko was walking through a crowd of guests when one of them accidentally knocked his plate of food to the ground. He angrily yelled at the clumsy boy to watch it. That food was for his cranky girlfriend. He pointed at said girlfriend who seemed to be hitting it off with Ruon Jian. In Zuko's mind, the image overlapped with Chenlian and Senya. Just like he had done then, he had to do something now! A boyfriend wouldn't let another guy get close to his girlfriend! The food knocker grinned mockingly as Zuko rushed over and roughly pushed Ruon Jian away from her, demanding that he stopped talking to his girlfriend. The guy coolly walked back to him and told him to relax as it was just a party... and was sent flying across the room, breaking a giant vase...
"Zuko, what is wrong with you !" Mai exclaimed, grabbing his shoulder and turning him to her.
"What's wrong with me ?!" The indignant and incredulous boy repeated.
"Your temper's out of control! You blow up over every little thing! You're so impatient and hot-headed and angry!"
"Well, at least I feel something... as opposed to you! You have no passion for anything! You're just a big... 'blah'!"
"It's over, Zuko. We're done." Mai turned away from him, ending their relationship, sick and tired of his constant outbursts. It was then Chan returned and saw the shattered vase. Ruon Jian pointed at Zuko. The admiral's son ran to the prince and ordered him out of here.
"I was just leaving." Zuko replied and walked away.
"Have fun by yourself, loser boy." Ruon Jian mocked. The prince slammed the door behind him.
Zuko walked along the beach, his head downcast. If Chenlian had been at this party with him, things would have never gone like this. They would have picked food together and shared it. If he had snapped the same way at a guy hitting on her, she would have apologised on his behalf and left together with him, using the incident as an excuse to leave this boring party so they'd enjoy some alone time together. She'd have easily appeased him. All his anger would have vanished after just a smile and a kiss – although that one kiss would have made him want more. Chenlian would have understood him and his feelings. His anger, his jealousy, his hotheadedness, all of his scorching feelings, she accepted them all. She loved him and accepted him the way he was. She was the only one after all, the only one who could make his anger disappear, with whom he could feel at peace, and the only one who could match his passion. She always did her best, fought with all she's got for what she believed in, and was really passionate be it when they would fight or when they would embrace and love each other. With Chenlian, he always felt something burning deep inside his chest, something warm that seemed to radiate through his whole being. With Chenlian he felt alive, he felt that even if there was no place for him in this world, he would always have one in her heart. Even if he was lost, and confused, as long as he was connected to her and that part of him was in her heart, he would be fine. He felt that the times when he was happiest and most complete was when he had her at his side, in his arms, smiling at him.
After a time, he stopped and looked up at a large mansion nestled in the mountain face, his family's cottage. As he headed towards it, his mind was flooded with memories from his childhood. He and Azula were running around on the grassland, watched over by their father. Him smiling as his father was holding him by the shoulders. His uncle who was holding him up in the air while his cousin Lu Ten was making a sand castle and grinning at them. Everyone looked so happy back then. He arrived at the house and tried to open the door but it was locked, so he kicked it open. He entered a dusty great room and walked up another set of stairs to stand before a family portrait. Ozai had a hand on his son's shoulder. Then his eyes rested on his mother's face. He had played a lot with her. He picked a circular piece of concrete. As a baby, he had stamped his hand on it. Now, his adult hand was much bigger. He was no longer the child he had been. And this house too was no longer what it was.
Zuko went to his room and looked around. He picked a plank of driftwood that was throning on a place that could be seen from every part of the room, like a sacred object in the shrine that was the room. On that plank, when they were children, he and Chenlian had burned their handprint with their fingers crossing like they were holding hands, like they were bound together forever. They had burned their names too. Back then he had thrown a fit because Chenlian was often playing with other kids and to appease him, she had the idea of making that. He tightly held it against his chest. She had always been like that, always by his side, smiling, supporting him, comforting him... she always knew his fears and what to say and do to soothe him, encourage him... Everything was so perfect back then. He didn't know anything, his family was truly picture-perfect, and Chenlian was there. He had everything.
And then he lost it all. He recovered Chenlian. In the Earth Kingdom too... how many times had he been saved just by seeing her smile and holding her, touching her? Things might have changed but that side of her never changed. Right, to him, she was the sun dispelling the cold and dark night. Or she had been... until that day... To regain his place at his father's side, he sacrificed her. That was the only way. That time won't come back... ever...he betrayed her... no, even after that there were times when he could see some rays of light... when she'd still look at him with love... The more he'd think about her, the more he'd feel this burning... this thirst... He still liked Mai, and thought he could forget Chenlian with her... he tried to, desperately, but it didn't seem to be possible after all. What he had with Chenlian was so much more powerful and deep. And that was why when he would think about what he had put her through, he would feel like he was being slowly but surely consumed, devoured alive. So he would do his best not to think about it. The lid he had put on his feelings, he had to keep it in place.
The Avatar and his friends were peacefully sleeping on the shore of the crater lake when Toph woke up, alerted by her seismic sense that a man with metal limbs was coming. She warned the others who woke up too. The man was standing at the top of the crater's cliff. His metal arm was reflecting the moonlight toward Aang. Everyone tensed up, ready to act. Feeling an attack coming, Aang raised earth to protect them. The wall exploded and the kids were blown back. Toph recovered first and sent a large herd of rocks toward the aggressor whose power blasted through them The Avatar protected Toph. Next, Katara attempted to strike with a huge amount of water from the lake but failed too. The collision produced a thick and large cloud of steam that hid the children from view.
"I thought I'd find you here." Azula spoke to her brother sitting on the entranceway of their mansion, holding his handprint.
"Those summers we spent here seem so long ago. So much has changed."
"Come down to the beach with me. Come on, this place is depressing." She gestured to him. He followed her and they joined Mai and Ty Lee at the beach. Obviously, the former couple was still angry at each other. Still, after a hesitation Mai decided to try and call out to him.
"Where's your new boyfriend?" The prince replied meanly, causing the nettled girl to turn away. But then, Zuko recalled his resolve. He couldn't be with Chenlian. So he had to make things go with Mai. Even though it was not like he had been truly jealous when he had seen Mai with that guy, and his feelings back then were like a speck a dust compared to their violence when he used to see Chenlian with Senya. That was the path he had chosen! So he had to make things do! So he chose to make an effort too and went to sit next to her, asking of she was cold. She slapped his arm away in response. Ty Lee said she was freezing. "I'll make a fire." The young man smiled. "There's plenty of stuff to burn in there." He looked up at the mansion.
The assassin blasted most the steam (and some rocks) away with another explosion. Aang and his friends had found refuge behind an outcropping. Sokka was freaking out. This was crazy! How could they beat a guy who blew things up with his mind ?! The monk told everyone to jump on Appa while he distracted this guy. He ran into the steam and sprang up the cliff face and jumped down the other side, avoiding another beam that exploded right where he had been. He slid down the slope, entered a field full of rock pillars and hid behind one. The attacker chased him, spotted him, and shot, destroying the rock formation. Aang ran from pillar to pillar but that man blasted each one. Then the Avatar started retaliating. He earthbended a column pillar toward the hitman, but it exploded before hitting him. Another beam was directed toward the monk who bended a wall of air around the explosion and was sent flying backward. He turned and punched through a rock formation. The mind bomber ran to the approximate place of landing and looked around. He didn't notice when he passed by the Avatar was hidden within a pillar... although he felt something was off and stopped to take a closer look. Aang burst through covered in rock armor, and jumped on his enemy's back. The assassin shot at him and the aibender used the blast to propel himself far in the air, protected by his armor. As he fell back toward the earth, he disassembled the armor and landed on Appa's back. His friends had come to pick him up. Katara held him tightly. He reassured her.
"Well, that was random." Toph noted. But the waterbender disagreed. She had the feeling that man knew who they were.
Chenlian opened her eyes and placed her hands on her lap. She had seen that man with metal limbs several times... whenever she would go check on Aang and the others. And each time, he had been closer to them. Because he seemed so far removed from the harmless type, she had increased her surveillance. And her suspicion, her fear had come true. He was an assassin. She didn't know him because when she had been on the run, only bounty hunters had come after her. She had been wanted alive after all. But why would an assassin be after Aang... after the Avatar? Because he had been commissioned to do it. But the whole world believed that the Avatar was dead, that he had been killed in Ba Sing Se. The only people who would go after him were from the Fire Nation. If he had been seen by military men after his supposed death, they would have simply gone after him themselves. Assassins were used by people who were not in a position to move openly and wanted their name to be kept secret. The only people from the Fire Nation who could suspect Aang to be still alive were herself... and Zuko, because they were the only two who knew about the spirit water... unless Zuko had told someone else. But Chenlian had heard that everyone believed that it was Zuko who had defeated her and Aang, so he couldn't possibly have told anyone that Aang was was still alive... or he would have lost the life he had fought so hard to reclaim. That guy wasn't the type to steal credit through... so it was Azula who told everyone that it was Zuko who defeated Aang? Why? That girl doing something like that out of charity was unthinkable. But... maybe... if she had a hunch that the Avatar survived just like Chenlian did, then giving the credit to Zuko would be natural, since Zuko would be the one to take the fall and be shamed once it was known the Avatar was alive. So the lie was really just to protect her own back. The one the most in danger, and who stood to gain the most was Zuko after all. If the assassin killed Aang, then the lie would never be found out, and he would be safe and free of worries...
It was Zuko. Zuko was the one who sent the assassin after Aang. Chenlian gritted her teeth and balled her fists. Blood trickled down her palms onto her lap. She had thought that since he kept coming to her, maybe he was wavering, regretting, feeling guilty... But in fact, he had already taken some decisive action. Even though she had tried to tell him, to make him see... her words and her feelings, none of them had ever reached him. His eyes, his ears, his heart remained stubbornly closed. If that man killed Aang, then everything would be over. This world would be destroyed before the next Avatar could reach maturity. It was now or never. But it appeared that Zuko really didn't care what happened to the world or anyone else as long as his father loved and acknowledged him... even though it was just a delusion. The only things Zuko ever truly cared about were his parents and the throne. Even though she was the one who truly loved him, she had been just a substitute for him. And it had taken her this long to realise it... Zuko was about to destroy everything she had ever wanted to protect. He had already destroyed her heart and their relation. He would kill her new friends and family, he would kill any hope she had for the future, any hope for this world to be in peace, any hope for the Fire Nation to regain its former glory. That time, he really did make his choice. She couldn't save him. She was the one who had lacked commitment to her chosen path. That was why she felt like she was being torn apart. And... she couldn't go on like this... Chenlian bit her lower lip to the blood. She had to see him, then, she would know...
Zuko threw his family portrait into the flames, shocking Ty Lee. It was a painting of his family!
"You think I care ?!" The prince shot back. He had not brought back that driftwood plank. Even though it was also part of a past he better forget, he just knew he wouldn't be able to burn it. Even if he put a lid on them, those feelings were still there. Even if he refused to see, he still felt it. Despite everything, he was unable to forget her, unable to escape... and that frustrated him.
"I think you do."
"You don't know me, so why don't you just mind your own business!" He turned away from her.
"I know you." The girl spoke softly, sadly, her head down.
"No, you don't! You're stuck in your little Ty Lee world where everything's great all the time!" He waved his arm angrily. Mai told him to leave her alone but he was in no mood to listen. "'I'm so pretty, look at me. I can walk on my hands, whoo!'" Zuko mocked her, doing a hand stand, before letting himself fall back on the sand. "Circus freak!" He spat. His sister laughed at the imitation and gibe. Their insensitivity hurt Ty Lee and made her cry.
"Yes, I'm a circus freak. Go ahead and laugh all you want." The usually cheerful girl snapped, gesturing toward Azula, who looked away. "You wanna know why I joined the circus?"
"Here we go." The princess sighed.
"Do you have any idea what my home life was like, growing up with six sisters who look exactly like me ? It was like, I didn't even have my own name. I joined the circus because I was scared of spending the rest of my life as part of a matched set. At least, I'm different now. Circus freak is a compliment!"
"Guess that explains why you need 10 boyfriends, too. Attention issues. You couldn't get enough attention when you were a kid, so you're trying to make up for it now." Mai deduced.
"Well, what's your excuse, Mai? You were an only child for 15 years, but even with all that attention, your aura is this dingy, pasty, gray..."
"I don't believe in auras."
"Yeah, you don't believe in anything." Zuko stood up. Once more, Chenlian's words and hopeful face flashed in his mind. "The war must end. But Ozai won't stop. That's why I'm helping the Avatar. He's my precious friend, and he will bring peace and prosperity to everyone, including the Fire Nation. That's why I've been fighting all this time. But I love you. I don't want to fight you. I want to be with you. That's why I've returned to you. Lately, after fighting all those years, I've finally felt peace. Because I was with the person I love, I felt true happiness for the first time." ... "Everyone lost family, everyone is suffering. That's why... it would be nice if we all stopped fighting... don't you think?" ... "You're no longer the person you were. Because I believe that, because I believe in you, I will help Aang and Katara, I will help them escape, and I will return to you... because the one I love is you, I will return to you."
"Oh, well, I'm sorry I can't be as high-strung and crazy as the rest of you."
"I'm sorry, too. I wish you would be high-strung and crazy for once instead of keeping all your feelings bottled up inside! She just called your aura dingy! Are you gonna take that ?! Why can't you be more like... like..." The prince accused.
"...Like Chenlian?" Mai glared at him suspiciously.
Yes!
"N-no! I didn't say that!" He had done it again! He really had to shape up more! She sharply turned away from him.
"Had things followed their course, Chenlian would be here with us now." Ty Lee sadly gazed at the fire. "You guys are always scared of talking about her but I really liked her. I liked how she was always so honest and helpful and straightforward and always surrounded by that warm golden aura, like she was shining, although sometimes she was a bit too blunt. And it was cute the way she could be clueless about certain things even though she was smart. I miss her. How could it turn out like this?"
"You know how. Her parents betrayed us, and she did too. She's a traitor." Azula replied callously.
"I know, but I still can't believe it. Something must have happened, there must have been a reason... Someone who deceives can't have an aura like hers... and even though people change, I don't think she changed all that much. And her parents were such good people too." The sensitive girl insisted. Zuko looked down. Those Fire Nation soldiers who guarded Chenlian had said the same. And again, her words echoed in his mind... "Do you really think your father is always right? Do you really think this war is justified? Do people become traitors for speaking the truth? Do they become traitors for speaking against injustice? Was I wrong to refuse to become a tool for mass slaughter?" And he also recalled that time she had told him about her parents being framed, and about her life in exile before being recaptured. She had bared her heart to him, believed in him, loved him with everything she had. He had vowed to love her and only her. He had promised to stay with her and not make her suffer again. And despite that, he had betrayed her.
"Treason is treason, regardless of one's reasons. And what's done is done. You can't change the past so agonizing over it is pointless." The princess reminded her matter-of-factly. "But you should be more careful. It'd be bad if people caught you sympathizing with a traitor." She added, more sollicitous.
Ty Lee was even sadder. She hated when Azula talked of Chenlian this way even though she was right. When they were kids, although Azula always seemed to be picking on Chenlian, the latter didn't seem to mind... far from that actually. It was like those two had a good rivalry. They were so different and yet so alike, like they understood each other, like they had some sort of strange bond, like the only one who could equal and stand up to one was the other. And it made people feel like those two could accomplish anything and everything if they paired up, and absolutely nothing could stand in their way. And it was such a waste that things had turned this way between them. And although she liked Mai and hoped she could be happy, she also felt sorry for her because she believed that Zuko and Chenlian were meant for each other. So it was really a pity what had happened to them.
"But I agree Mai could learn from her and be a bit more open." Azula added.
"What do you want from me?" Mai sighed and lay back on the rock. "A teary confession about how hard my childhood was ? Well, it wasn't. I was a rich only child who got anything I wanted. As long as I behaved... and sat still... and didn't speak unless spoken to. My mother said I had to keep out of trouble. We had my dad's political career to think about." She spoke quietly, gazing at the starry sky. To Azula, that explained everything. If Mai strayed from the expectations of her controlling mother, she was shut down, that was why she couldn't express herself and was afraid to care about anything. "You want me to express myself ? Leave me alone!"
"I like it when you express yourself." Zuko spoke more softly. Right, compliments and gentleness... He reached for her, but she backed away.
"Don't touch me! I'm still mad at you!" She yelled. He replied his life hadn't been that easy either but to her that didn't excuse the way he had been acting. Mai was also thinking about Chenlian. She had noticed that although Zuko would put up a front when with her, he would always have this wistful expression when he thought nobody was looking. That person was still there in his heart although Mai would do her best to avoid that subject. But Zuko's temper was always so horrible. Was he behaving with Chenlian only? Or could it be that only Chenlian knew how to manage him? Was she truly the only one for him? Ty Lee told them to calm down. This much negative energy was bad for their skin. They were totally going to break out.
"Bad skin?!" The prince bellowed again, making Ty Lee cringe. "Normal teenagers worry about bad skin! I don't have that luxury! My father decided to teach me a permanent lesson on my face!" He pointed at his scar. The circus girl apologized. "For so long, I thought that if my dad accepted me, I'd be happy. I'm back home, now my dad talks to me. Huh, he even thinks I'm a hero." He paced away, and didn't notice Azula smirking at these words. "Zuko, don't forget. This fight, this... this is what you wanted. So don't ever regret it." Chenlian's words flashed again in his mind, causing pain to shoot through his heart, and make him feel all the more frustrated and irritated. "Everything should be perfect, right? I should be happy now, but I'm not! I'm angrier than ever and I don't know why!"
"There's a simple question you need to answer then." His sister said, leaning forward. "Who are you angry at ?"
"No one, I'm just angry."
"Yeah, who are you angry at, Zuko?" Mai insisted.
"Everyone... I don't know..." The boy held his head in frustration.
"Is it dad?" Azula persisted.
"No, no!"
"Your uncle? Chenlian?" Ty Lee questioned too.
"No!"
"Me ?" The princess continued.
"No, no... no, no!"
"Then who ? Who are you angry at ?" Mai joined in. The girls kept pressing him for an answer.
"I'm angry at myself!" Zuko suddenly yelled, throwing his arms down, causing the campfire to burst into a column of flame. The women shielded themselves from the light and heat. The fire burned out. His sister asked why . Why was his anger directed towards himself? "Because I'm confused. Because I'm not sure I know the difference between right and wrong anymore." Because Chenlian kept confronting him and questioning him about his own beliefs and reason to fight, about the rightfulness of this war and his father's ideals... She had always fought for the people, as a child it was for her nation, and when they had reunited it was for the world... because she had always looked into the distance, at the far future... the future of her nation, the future of her world, the future she wanted... the future... And he was angry at himself for being terrified of the change he was feeling himself going through when he was with her. He was angry at himself for having done what he did to her... because he had noticed that when he was with Chenlian, all his rage would gradually fade and be replaced by something soft and warm... and that since that day in Ba Sing Se, his rage and frustration had returned and kept growing. He was drying up and nothing could quench his thirst.
"You're pathetic." Azula replied.
"I know one thing I care about..." Smiling, Mai approached him and put her arm around him. "I care about you." The two kissed. Suddenly, Zuko felt a change in him. Something was wrong... kissing Mai felt wrong... The future... his destiny was to sit on the throne as Fire Lord... he was sure of that, that certitude was etched into his whole being, that was his future... but in that vision, the woman who stood at his side... was not Mai...!
"Well, those were wonderful performances, everyone." The princess clapped. The couple stopped kissing and turned to her.
"I guess you wouldn't understand, would you, Azula? Because you're just so perfect." Her brother spoke sarcastically.
"Well, yes, I guess you're right. I don't have sob stories like all of you. I could sit here and complain how our mom liked Zuko more than me, but I don't really care. My own mother... thought I was a monster. She was right, of course, but it still hurt." She admitted, staring into the flames. Mai looked up at her boyfriend worriedly. During the kiss she had felt something off about him, like his heart had suddenly gone off somewhere. She knew that sensation, she knew when he was thinking of something, someone else. She knew when he was thinking about Chenlian... his heart was still in her hands...
"What Lo and Li said came true. The beach did help us learn about ourselves. I feel all smoothed. I'll always remember this." Ty Lee remarked and picked up a smooth stone that she caressed. It was then Azula had a bright idea to make this trip really memorable... They all returned to Chan's home. They had some bad news for him... Party was over. And the four completely wrecked his house, smashing everything, cutting tapestries... And the princess watched with a satisfied expression, her arms crossed, as Chan started sobbing and bawling like a kid. Then after setting fire to his house, the four left, linking arms, looking pleased with themselves.
Tears fell from Chenlian's eyes. She cried softly at first, then more and more strongly until she was screaming, gripping her hair and clawing the walls of her cell. It was like a dam gradually giving in and breaking under the pressure. Stopping this flow was impossible. It was really no good after all. She had to give up on him.
It's pointless to pursue a man like him. He cannot return my feelings so he believes the least he can do is to be kind to me while knowing full well it will only hurt more this way. When did I start feeling this way? Why did I cling to this relation that only brought about bitter tears and exacerbated my sentimentality? What will I get, by accumulating these painful feelings? It's so heavy that I can't move. I can't breathe. I can't go on. No matter how desperately I cry, scream, or call out to him, he won't turn back, or look back at me. He won't choose me. It was something I knew. And yet... But now it's alright. We don't need to suffer anymore. This was just a dream, nothing more than a dream. But somewhere in my heart, I knew. I knew but didn't want to believe. I ran away from the truth. Now, the beautiful yet sad dream has ended. We cannot be together. I must wake up. I must face reality. And I must forget that dream... Because he kept coming back to her, she still wouldn't give up on him, she still had hope... but she simply couldn't take it anymore. If he wasn't going to do it, she would be the one to completely sever their bond with a clean cut. She cried because there was nothing more painful than having to give up on a person you loved with all heart while knowing their path could only end badly, and she had endured a lot. She didn't want to come to that. But it was time for her to open her eyes, to face, and accept.
"I love you! I want to be with you!" But he wasn't with her... he didn't love her.
"I want to protect my girlfriend!" But he didn't protect her... he never did.
"I want you to rely on me!" But he was the one who cast her aside... he always did. By her side there was... no one. She was alone again. When everything was gone, all that remained was the bare truth, that was reality. No one would protect her, so she couldn't rely on anyone... She didn't need anyone. Because she had already gone through that, she knew what to do. Betrayal was a common thing in this world. She couldn't tell how many times this had happened.
"I promise I'll grow stronger, I won't let you suffer like that again..."A promise was just empty words. Love could not save anyone. She could not save her parents, Aang, or Zuko, even though she loved them so much. And because he loved his father and wanted to be loved by him; because she loved him and stayed, she was nearly killed. Love could also kill. It was pointless to just wait and believe, however strongly. That was why things like trust, love, hope, she didn't need them either. All she needed was the strength to cut her path open. She didn't need anything that would make her soft and dull her blade... So... she didn't need him or his love anymore...
And then, the trip ended. The last night though, Zuko kept tossing and turning in his bed. He opened his eyes and sat up, his muddled mind slowly clearing. It felt as though he was recovering from a long illness. Chenlian rushed to him, the very picture of concern and relief and love, touching him, cupping his cheeks, making sure he was alright. She said his name, that she was so glad he had finally woken up and come to. He gazed into her sincere, earnest golden eyes and suddenly embraced her as tightly as he could before kissing her avidly, eagerly. Then he pulled away and held her at arm length.
"But... you can't be real... because being with me now also means serving my father... there's no way the real Chenlian would agree to it. There's no way she could have forgiven me so easily and be open like this. We can't be together..."
"Oh, okay then. If you take it like this..." She stood up and brushed the places he had touched, like cleaning some filth. "I will go to someone who loves me much, much more than you ever did, much more than you ever could..." She started leaving and was joined by Senya who held her in his arms while smirking back at him. Zuko was instantly gripped by fear, anger, and jealousy... and the certitude that he had been seen through, that no matter what he said, he couldn't help what he felt.
"What?! No, wait! I don't care if it's a dream, I won't let that happen! There's no way someone can love you more than I love you!" He in deed blurted his true feelings.
"It's... too late. I don't care anymore. I've already decided." And she left. Zuko could only watch and vainly call her name as she was being taken away. He reached out to her but the more he struggled the more he felt like he was sinking in a bog. And then she disappeared as the darkness swallowed him completely. The Fire Nation prince woke up with a start, his eyes wide in horror, and his arm reaching out to the ceiling. He was sweating and his heart was thumping madly. It had been a dream... just a dream... He stared at his hand he balled into a fist.
The stone door opened in Chenlian's cell and Linshen entered. When the girl sat up on her mat and looked at him, the man's eyes widened in shock and he almost recoiled. Then he sighed and clenched his fists. She was in tatters. To think he'd ever see her in such a wretched state. Her eyes were bloodshot and their light had been replaced with a deep darkness. And they felt cold, painfully so. She had lost weight. Her knuckles were raw, the sides of her hands were wounded too, and her nails and the skin around them were all scratched up. What had happened was easy to guess. There was no need to ask.
"I heard you haven't been eating at all, and now you're hurt all over. I thought that for the Avatar's sake, you wanted to do your best to regain your top physical condition as fast as possible..." And not get hurt any more than that because of that guy...
"Let's leave. There's no need for me to stay here anymore. I can move around now. Please complete the preparations as soon as possible."
"So you're really giving up?"
"He sent an assassin after Aang!" Chenlian burst out. "I can't stay here like this! I couldn't do anything back then! But this time for sure! I'll get that assassin before he kills Aang! I can't allow Zuko to cause any more damage! I won't allow it! Whatever those siblings throw at Aang, I'll stop it! And when the day we face each other as enemies comes, this time, I'll definitely..." She was getting so worked up that she didn't even notice that tears were once more beading at the corner of her eyes.
"It was not your fault." Linshen suddenly embraced her, taking her aback. "You don't have to feel guilty or responsible for him. Both of you chose your own path, out of our own will. After watching many forms of love, and experiencing my first, I've felt that those who truly loved each other were not looking at each other, but in the same direction, at the same thing. But Zuko and you never looked at the same scenery, right? It wasn't that you didn't try hard enough. You did all you could. You tried your very best... to the point that you're so broken and worn down. But it still didn't work. That means it was just impossible from the start. You must be aware of it already. He didn't truly love you." He spoke softly comfortingly. Her golden eyes widened and the tears fell freely again.
Right, she knew it already. His wording might have been harsh, but that was his kindness. He always said what she needed to hear. He always spoke the words of her heart that she was too cowardly to voice and admit. But he also knew her pain, and what to say to soothe it. He kept her on track, and in the same time, tried to ease her burden. Because he had managed to touch her heart, she had been unable to control her tears. She clung to him, like a drowning person onto a lifering. He stroked her head and kept her in his arms.
"But that doesn't mean you're alone." The young man added when Chenlian started calming down a bit. He cupped her cheek and tilted her face up so she'd look straight into his eyes. "You have Aang and the others. And you have me." He pressed his lips onto hers.
On the way back, the prince often seemed distracted, preoccupied, to the point the girls wondered what could be wrong with him. Everything should have been made clear at the beach. And while he was less angry, he appeared to be even more confused, struggling with something. And he was too engrossed in that to pay proper attention to others or his surroundings. And like this, he was lost in thought when he returned to his room. It was first a nostalgic scent that gripped his heart and snapped him back. He looked and saw something that wasn't there before: a large vase full of lotus flowers. Again, the Fire Lord's son was instantly reminded of Chenlian. He approached and raised his hands, but didn't know what to do... gently touch them, caress them, or burn them, destroy them? He loved her and wanted to be with her, but he couldn't and didn't want to acknowledge those feelings, as obvious as they were. Or more like he was forbidden from having them, and he believed everything would end if he admitted having those feeling for her. So he fought, desperately, against that force he sensed was far greater than him and slowly overwhelming him. He already could no longer close his eyes and pretend it didn't exist. He kept fighting, struggling but didn't know what to do. In the end, he threw his arms down and turned away from the flowers. But later that night, when he opened his eyes, Senya was there, staring at the flowers. The prince bolted out of bed and entered a fighting stance, demanding to know how he had managed to enter this place and what he was doing here.
"Isn't that smell just like her? That girl with that flower in her name... Such a sweet, deep, rich, warm and intoxicating fragrance... really... just like her..." The intruder ignored him.
"What did you come here for?" Zuko repeated.
"To take a good look at you... being reminded of Chenlian wherever you go..."
"Just who is?!"
"That girl, your new girlfriend... she's kind of like her, isn't she? Strong, stoic, independent, disliking more than anything being seen as weak, skilled fighter... and seeing her with Ruon Jian, you were even reminded of Chenlian and me, weren't you? And yet, you've always been unwilling to truly accept Chenlian. Why do you keep doing that? It's unsightly."
"What are you saying?!"
"I'm telling you to straighten that part out already. Tell Chenlian that you don't love her, tell her you won't see her anymore. You've already cut your ties back then, right? So you should have no reason to go see her anymore. It's all over for you two. You've both chosen your own path, so it's time to make a clean break instead of dragging things out. Forget her and let her forget you. Forget about the past so you can both move forward." He started leaving but stopped at the door. "If only you had let her go back then like I told you to, she wouldn't have had to suffer this. You... really destroyed her... You know, if you had killed her, I would have killed you. I would have erased your whole family and everyone important to you before killing you." He fiercely glared at the prince, and closed the door. When Zuko ran to open it again, the man had vanished in the darkness.
Torn as he was, Zuko only had one person to whom he could turn to. And given how desperately he needed counsel, and how he had previously behaved towards that person, he thought he should at least have a gift ready. And so he went to see Iroh with with a preparation of his uncle's beloved ginseng tea... that the old man gladly accepted (although the tea was still somewhat... "bracing") And then, the teenager touched the heart of the matter.
"Uncle, have you ever liked two girls in the same time?" He questioned abruptly, causing the old man to choke on his drink.
"What's that all of a sudden?" Iroh asked for precisions after recovering.
"How do you know which one you like best, and what you must do?" The prince looked up at his uncle like a child lost in the darkness searching for a source of light. Iroh studied his nephew's serious and troubled expression for a time before sighing. He had quickly understood what this was really all about, and seen that Zuko really needed and wanted to know.
"'Like' is the kind of like when you can smile and give in when she's found someone else. You care about her, you treat her well, you rationalize saying it's for her happiness. But if you speak about true Love... the deeper and more serious it is, the more you lose your composure. Logic, reason, propriety... None of that matters or works. It all gets blown away. You get all irritated, worked up, and you struggle without caring how other people think of you. No matter how painful or improper it is, you're simply unable to give up. What if these girls told you they had found someone else? Would you smile and let them go? Would you be able to be truly happy for them? Or would you get jealous, sad, fearful, and desperately try to stop them? Think about what you'd feel for each one and you'll have your answer. And if above that if hearing her voice, looking at them, or peering into their eyes, or just their presence, if those small things make you happy and cheer you up even in the most difficult times and warms you down to your very heart; if when watching her make certain gestures or expressions you've thought just how beautiful and radiant she is... then there's no doubt about it... that person is the one you truly love."
The girl he truly loved... wasn't it obvious? Even though he had tried so hard to deny, to forget, to shift that affection... it had been impossible. His heart had always known, because it had only ever accepted this person. He couldn't be jealous if it wasn't about her. Just imagining her with another man filled him with rage, and pain. He couldn't be happy if he wasn't with her. Just imagining her smile at him filled him with love and peace. He was always thinking about her and how he wanted to be with her even when he was with Mai or his family. He just couldn't love anyone but her. But their bond had already been severed, right?
"... Because even now, even if it's the height of foolishness, even after everything, even if you no longer care about me... even if you don't want me to, I still care about you and I want to save you."
No, it was still holding on! She was still holding on! It might take some time but he'll figure a way to strengthen that bond and be with her!