Disclaimer: Ashore it's wine, women, and song; aboard it's rum, bum, and bacca
Helitrox
Note: Part three of Sailing and Salvage (Odd Ideas #69-70)
"I gave strict instructions that only the ship's captain was to come to shore," the customs inspector said coldly.
"He's the Captain," Sinistra said with a nod to Harry. "I'm the ship's master."
"Cadets?"
"On the nose."
"That's different then," he said in a much warmer tone. The man turned to Harry. "Do you have any large quantities of alcohol, narcotics, pornography, or hallucinogenics intended for resale?"
"No," Harry replied, prompted by Sinistra's head shake.
"Would you like some?"
"Harry, why don't you go across the street and have a drink while I finish up here?" Sinistra ordered.
"Yes Professor."
"He's a good kid," Sinistra said with a fond smile, "give him another ten or twenty years and he might be a good captain. Now then, here's a list of what I've got in terms of provisions."
"Don't worry about it," the customs inspector waved it off, "you've got cadets so I've suddenly discovered my ability to not be a bastard."
"Appreciate it," Sinistra said with a grin, "nice of you not to add to my problems."
"Figure you have enough, what with having a ship full of cadets and all."
"Well I . . ." she cut off when she noticed a ruckus coming from the watering hole she'd sent Harry. "Be right back."
"Take your time."
Sinistra burst into the bar to find Harry using a chair to hold off two rough looking characters armed with knives.
"Can't leave you alone for five bloody minutes can I?" She said as she coshed one of the belligerents. "You seem to have a problem with my student?" She said to the other.
"Boy doesn't know his place," the drunk slurred.
"Harry."
"Yes Professor." Harry broke the chair over the man's head.
"Next time use your wand, two quick spells and it would've all been over." She sighed then raised her voice to address the room. "Can I go back to what I was doing or does someone else want to pick a fight with my student?"
"Leave the boy with us Aurora," a voice said from one of the darker corners. "We'll look out for him."
"Bax?"
"The very same," the woman agreed, "would've jumped in earlier if I knew he belonged to you."
"Thanks Bax."
"What're friends for Aurora."
Bax waited until she was sure her old friend was gone before turning to the boy. "So tell me, kid, you ever had navy gin?"
IIIIIIIIIII
Sinistra had just wrapped up her business with the customs agent when another disturbance from the area of the bar where she'd left her student drew her attention.
"Crew clear to come ashore?" she asked, hoping desperately her old friend had managed to keep her student out of trouble.
"They are. What do you think your boy is up to now?" the man asked, waving towards the commotion.
"Something life threatening, knowing him," Sinistra sighed. "If you'll excuse me?"
"Go ahead."
Without further word, the woman darted towards the bar hoping to do something to mitigate the disaster before it became catastrophic. What Sinistra found was shocking enough to momentarily disrupt her ability to think.
Well, she thought to herself, if I'd ever thought that Harry Potter had a functioning sense of self preservation, the scene in front of her gutted it quite nicely. The boy-who-lived, her cadet captain appeared to be doing his level best to beat a Gringotts security troll to death and, if that wasn't bad enough, was attempting to do it with a live screaming goblin.
"Well," she muttered. "At least things can't get any worse."
The sight of a dozen goblins bursting through the back door to join the fray proved her to be anything but correct.
"Me and my big mouth." She perked up as a thought occurred. "Now, there's no chance of things getting better."
She grinned when, with a sound much reminiscent of a machine gun, her ship's house elf crew popped in
"That's more like it. FOR THE HONOR OF THE SHIP!" Sinistra screamed, throwing herself into the fray.
The fight that followed, was glorious.
IIIIIIIIIII
Hooktonker had joined Gringott's maritime division shortly after leaving the creche. In the decades that followed he'd fought pirates, found treasure, transported all manner of goods, and had thought he'd and done all one could on the sea and its adjoining ports. The scene that greeted him when his middies returned from their first liberty was as common as it was unsurprising.
"What happened?" he growled, glaring at the few ambulatory members of his crew. "Midshipman Oxstab, speak!"
"Midshipman Cherryred had a slight disagreement with an under grown human as to which of our ships was better, Captain."
"So?" the captain prompted, knowing there was more to the story.
"So Midshipman Cherryred thought that the best way of ensuring that the second debate went better than the first was to tag in one of the security trolls as his partner." The goblin licked his lips. "The human disagreed and proceeded to break most of the bones in Security Troll fifth class Skrag's body using Midshipman Cherryred as an improvised club."
"And you let him do this?" The captain's glare deepened. Crew was crew even if they were the most useless middy you'd ever seen that you'd only taken on because you owed a favor.
"We had just arrived to state our objections when the under grown human's crew arrived. They were understandably unwilling to allow their captain to engage in conversation with us all without getting their own points in."
"Yes," the captain said dryly. "I saw how many puncture wounds headed towards the infirmary."
"I offer no excuses for not recognizing the utility of the teeth the human knocked out of Security Troll fifth class Skrag's mouth before the house elves, Captain."
"Exactly why did Midshipman Cherryred think it was a good idea to share anything but a positive opinion of a captain's ship where a captain might be able to overhear? Enlighten me, Midshipman Oxstab."
"I do not believe that Midshipman Cherryred was aware that the human was the ship's captain, sir. If I am permitted, Captain, I would further speculate and say that Midshipman Cherryred would have taken the fact that human was unaccompanied by any fellow crewman while he himself had a security troll on tap as evidence that he could share any opinion he liked."
"See that you don't make the same mistake, Midshipman Oxstab."
"Yes, Captain."
"And remind me to inform Midshipman Cherryred that his name will be Midshipman Humansbitch for the foreseeable future."
"Yes, Captain," the young goblin replied with a savage smile.
"Dismissed."
"Mister Curbstomp!" Hooktonker bellowed.
"Captain?" his best topman called down.
"Find out what ship the other captain came from and present him with my invitation for him and his officers to dine."
"Right away, Captain!"
IIIIIIIIIII
Hooktonker didn't have long to wait before his man returned.
"I trust your trip to the human's ship was productive, Mr. Curbstomp?"
"That it twas, Captain. Ship's master says they'll be delighted to accept your invitation as soon as she can get the captain sober and presentable and I think I may have met a few a' me sons."
"Oh?"
"House elf cooks were arguing over who got the honor of cooking Midshipman Humansbitch's reproductive organs while the rest of the crew took bets on which one would win the and who would get the most teeth knocked out. Not sure if that crew is unusual or if I drank a bit too much and wandered into the wrong brothel a couple decades back. Proud of me boys if it's the second, even if their mums were whores."
"I see. Remind me to cancel Midshipman Humansbitch's confinement to quarters. I want to see if he's stupid enough to go into town while the human ship is still in port."
"Aye, Captain," the topman agreed with a toothy grin.
IIIIIIIIIII
To Aurora's private amusement, Harry insisted on addressing the crew before going to the goblin ship to accept their captain's invitation to dine. Her amusement died a quick death after the boy began to speak.
"I want the crew on alert until I get back," he ordered. "Padma, Parvati, I want the guns primed and ready to pound the other ship to splinters if they try to leave. Sink the bastards if they try to hold us hostage."
"Got it, Harry," the twins agreed.
"Belay that," Sinistra shouted. "Liberty for all but the anchor watch." Pride mixed with annoyance when the crew ignored her in favor of carrying out their captain's orders.
"Youz be sailing master, but this is the captain's ship and the captain is in command when it comes time to fight the ship," the house elf helmsman spat. "Youz not be trying to counteract our captain again or itz be mutiny."
"Dobby is going along with Harry Potter sir," the mad house elf said firmly. "Dobby does not trust not Dobby cooks and Dobby won the fight."
"Alright," Harry agreed, knowing that anything else he tried to say would be ignored and also knowing how bad it would be to give an order that wouldn't be followed. "It comes down to it, we'll make our own way back. Protect the ship and make the bastards pay if they try anything!"
The crew gave a resounding cheer of approval as Harry disembarked his ship.
IIIIIIIIIII
"Human captain's on his way!" Curbstomp called down. "Crew looks like they're on alert."
"Ship's master doesn't trust us, eh?" Hooktonker laughed.
"Ship's master didn't seem worried about coming when I talked to her, Captain," Curbstomp stated. "Looked like the captain gave the orders. Loading their cannons."
"Their captain still on his way?"
"He is, sir!" Curbstomp swung down to the deck. "Looking as calm as a desk slug on a slow day."
"Interesting. Master with him?"
"Looking a bit less calm, but on her way, sir."
"Even more interesting." Hooktonker lined up his officers at the boarding ramp.
"Permission to come aboard, sir?" Harry paused at the top.
"Granted."
Harry saluted the flag and the officer of the watch. "May I present my ship's master." He nodded to Sinistra. "And my cook." He indicated Dobby.
"Welcome aboard," Hooktonker said grandly, introducing his officers. "I believe you're already acquainted with Midshipman Humansbitch," Hooktonker finished cheerfully.
"Dobby has a question," the house elf interrupted.
"Yes?" Hooktonker prompted, sure that he was about to be entertained.
"Dobby wants to know how old Humansbitch is?"
"Why?"
"When Dobby was with bad master, bad master drank too much and wandered into the wrong brothel many many times."
"You saying my mum was a whore?" Midshipman Humansbitch growled, confident now that he was on his ship with all his shipmates backing him up.
"Dobby said no such thing," the elf sounded scandalized. "Dobby implied that Humansbitch's mum was a whore, Dobby is saying that Humansbitch is the son of a Malfoy."
"What?" Midshipman Humansbitch growled, taking a menacing step forward.
The house elf glared at the dead goblin that dared attack Harry Potter sir. "Dobby dares Humansbitch to do something about it if son of a Malfoy thinks he's hard enough."
Hooktonker's face turned an unhealthy looking shade of green as he struggled mightily to restrain his laughter. A mighty guffaw boomed, echoing through the ship when he failed.
"Dobby," he said cheerfully. "Come directly to me if you ever find yourself wanting a berth. Midshipman Humansbitch, rejoice, I've decided to recognize your new name."
"Sir?" the former Midshipman Humansbitch asked nervously.
"From henceforth, you will be known as Midshipman Malfoysson. I'm also giving you the rest of the night off in honor of the fact that you've finally learned your true paternity."
"Captain, please, anything but that."
"Liked being called Humansbitch that much, huh?" Hooktonker rubbed his chin. "Why don't we split the difference. Humansbitch Malfoy it is." The captain's lips peeled back, revealing a row of sharp pointy teeth. "You're welcome to register your objections now, that is, if you think you're hard enough." The captain straitened up. "I thought not. Get out of my sight, Midshipman Malfoy."
Dobby's eyes followed the unfortunate goblin until it was out of sight.
"Won the fight, eh?" Curbstomp spoke up.
"Dobby won the right to harvest the ingredients," the house elf replied. "Sloppy gets to cook them." The house elf looked embarrassed. "Dobby did not expect Sloppy's teeth to be so sharp."
"Happens to the best of us, son," Curbstomp said, slapping the elf on the back. "Don't beat yourself up about it."
"Couldn't help but notice your ship getting ready to fight," Hooktonker addressed the human ship's master.
"Yeah," Sinistra agreed. "Sorry about that. My captain doesn't trust you, canceled liberty and told the crew to be on alert till we got back."
"My topmen tell me your crew looked like they cheered. Did they?"
"Never seen a crew cheer when their liberty was canceled, something unnatural about that."
Hooktonker regarded the boy across the room. "Decided not to countermand him after seeing that, eh?"
"Countermanded him immediately. My helmsman reminded me that while I was the ship's master, I was not the captain and that the captain was in charge when it came time to fight the ship. Stated that he'd consider it mutiny if I tried it again."
"Your crew's decided to follow a cadet over you?" Hooktonker asked incredulously. His opinion of the boy, nay, human captain skyrocketed.
"Can't decide if I'm more annoyed than proud or more proud than annoyed," Sinistra admitted. "Annoyance is winning out at the moment, but only cause I can't think of a way to convince myself that my brilliant instruction on leadership was all that responsible for it."
"I see. Just out of curiosity, mind you, but what if I were to hold you both hostage?" Hooktonker asked, wondering if the young captain had thought that far ahead.
"My captain gave orders to sink your ship with us on it," Sinistra said sourly. "I think his exact words were to pound you to splinters if you tried to leave the harbor before we got back."
Hooktonker laughed in delight. "You wouldn't be willing to trade a couple nice obedient goblin middies for him, would you? Won't even try to saddle Midshipman Malfoy on you. Only good uns, credits to the creche."
"Tempting, but I did that and the crew would go with him. Life would be quieter, but I'm reasonably sure I wouldn't be able to get the ship out of the harbor let alone sail it anyway. Tempted to do it anyway just to see how long it takes him to steal your crew too." She pointed towards Harry's corner of her room, the boy was surrounded by four laughing security trolls and a half dozen topmen. "Looks like he's already started."
"He'd do it too, wouldn't he," Hooktonker laughed. "Mister Piratenutter!"
"Sir?" a shorter than average goblin hastened to his captain's side.
"Make a note to keep an eye on Captain Potter," Hooktonker ordered. "I'm eager to see how his career progresses."
"Aye, captain."
"Piratenutter?" Sinistra interrupted dryly.
"First boarder I ever fought was a mite taller than average," Piratenutter said cheerfully. "Didn't have time to run to the weapons locker so I'd grabbed a belaying pin. Let's just say, it was a choice between Piratenutter and Nutpinata."
"We already had a Nutpinata so Piratenuter it was," Hooktoker finished. "Speaking of pirates," Hooktonker segued. "I happen to know of a wreck site that Gringotts hasn't gotten around to salvaging yet."
"So?"
"So as a dually authorized representative of Gringotts I'd be happy to give you the location and salvage rights for fifty percent of the gross."
"Net," Sinistra barked.
"Now why would I go and agree to a thing like that?" Hooktonker asked curiously.
"Because you'll get a hell of a lot better deal from me now than you will from my captain." The boy in question was chugging a bottle of cheap rum with one hand and beating a security troll in an arm wrestling contest with the other. "Talk to him and you'll find yourself being talked into signing over your ship to sweeten the pot and thanking him for taking it off your hands."
"Sixty five percent of the net and my ship goes along as a support vessel," Hooktonker countered. "I don't try to sweet talk your captain into joining my crew and taking yours with him till after he's not your responsibility."
"Subject to my captain's approval, I think we have a deal," Sinistra agreed.
AN: Been a while since I played in this sandbox, almost eleven years since I posted the second chapter. Ain't that a bitch, getting old. Three chapters in two days is another thing I haven't done for a while. Definitely getting old.
Typo by porphyrian_delight
Omake: Shore Leave
"We'z iz commin from the Murphy's Optometrist, Skivvy is wantin ta know if any ah youz think yer hard enough ta tellz us yer ship iz better!" the lead house elf bellowed as the liberty party entered the seediest bar on the warf.
"Youz lot be on Captain Potter sir's ship?" the biggest, meanest looking house elf at the bar asked intently.
"We'z iz!"
"I be Fid of the ship Cutter out of Botony Bay. Is a good ship, a very good ship, but I not be crazy enough to say anything bad about Captain Potter's sir's ship. Youz want a fight, go find a ship that came in after youz and doesn't know Captain Potter sir."
Well, thought Skivvy to himself, wasn't that a bitch. On the one hand, it was kinda cool to have a captain so notorious that no one wanted to mess with you. On the other, it really cut down on the amount of recreation one could do in port.
"Shaker wants to know if it be true that Captain Potter sir only takes the toughest elves he can find?"
"Captain Potter sir will take anyone that Captain Potter sir wants to take aboard," Skivvy replied. "Ones that survive are the toughest."
Omake by lordveive
Lucius blinked.
He glanced at the half empty tumbler in his hand.
Then he blinked.
Then he looked hard at the goblin in front of him.
Then he blinked again.
"Yer wangchewer's boy?" He asked intently.
"You know mum?" Humansbitch asked in shock.
"Hell of a woman, your mother. And the things she could do with that tongue of hers."
... The end.