The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Ghosts characters is off at a memorial or something. I admit I made up one or two original ones. Who knows how many ghosts are in the Cholera Pit? Well, there's one less now…
Ralph's Wake
Meanwhile down in the basement…
"Okay," Stuart said to the group. "This is a memorial to Ralph. Probably should have done this sooner but we were saving it for a day when we were really bored. Which is almost every day. So, uh…Let's all share our memories of Ralph and talk about him. Creepy Dirk, you're up."
Creepy Dirk spoke up. "Ralph was an all-right guy. I once had a conversation with him about rashes. Well technically I was telling him about my rash on my upper thigh. The non-cholera related one. The one I had for a few years before I got cholera. Not the itchy one. The slightly puffy one. That only occasionally itched. Actually, it technically wasn't a conversation but I was trying to get a diagnosis of some sort…"
"Dirk!" Nancy snapped. "This is about Ralph! When we get to Rash Night you can talk all you want."
"We want to talk about how Ralph touched us all," Stuart explained. "Metaphorically Dirk!"
"Oh, that," Creepy Dirk shrugged. "I got nothin'."
"Somebody else talk!" Nancy groaned. "Please?"
Bill spoke up. "I will say something. Ralph was like the son Mary and I never had."
Mary blinked. "Bill you and I had five children and four of them were boys."
"Yeah, but I never really liked any of them," Bill told her.
"Bill!" Mary gasped. "How can you say you hated your own children? Besides Todd. I admit he wasn't exactly my favorite either."
"He was the one who told the authorities and shipped us off to a pest shed!" Bill added.
"I remember, Bill I was there!" Mary told him. "But the other three boys were comparatively good."
Cody looked at them. "Didn't one of them try to rob a bank?"
"Oh, they let Edgar go," Mary waved. "He was only five and was carrying a stick. Nobody believed it."
"They did when he turned thirteen and set fire to the bank," Bill grumbled. "I wonder if he made it across state lines?"
"This isn't about your degenerate kids," Catherine snapped. "This is about Ralph."
"I am talking about Ralph," Bill told her. "Ralph was polite and quiet and never said a word. He was the son I wish I had instead of the degenerates I got!"
"I'll go," A male Cholera ghost spoke up. "I will miss Ralph. Miss him sleeping in the corner. That being said I have dibs on his spot."
"We all take turns standing in different spots," Stuart groaned. "We've been through this! Let's talk about Ralph and how he was part of our afterlives."
Total silence for a complete minute. "Somebody?" Stuart asked. "Anybody?"
Creepy Dirk spoke up. "I also told Ralph about the time I visited a whorehouse. He seemed very interested in that."
"We've all heard your whorehouse story Dirk!" Nancy told him. "Granted it is one of your better stories. But we're talking about Ralph here! Come on! Ralph was one of us! He was down here just as long as the rest of us. Somebody must have had some good memories of him!"
Burt spoke up. "I remember telling Ralph about the water heater once. Then he went back to sleep."
"I also remember telling Ralph things," Catherine added. "And watching him sleep. Very sound sleeper. Didn't snore. Just stood there and slept. His nose didn't even whistle that much."
"We used to stand together a lot," Cholera Nigel spoke up. "Quiet kid. Didn't talk much."
"Yeah, we stood together a lot," Stuart nodded. "He stood out…As a kid who stood with us. Okay I admit it. I reached with that one. It sounded a lot better in my head."
"Come on guys," Nancy said. "Ralph was from our town. He was trapped along with the rest of us! He died here! And none of you remember anything special about him? That's sad!"
"What about you?" Cholera Nigel spoke up. "What do you remember Nancy?"
"Oh, that's easy," Nancy spoke up. "I remember when Ralph was put in here with the rest of us. I was thinking it was a tough break a kid had cholera. Then I was sad I had cholera. Then mad at Stuart for giving me cholera. Then I died."
"Great story Nancy," Creepy Dirk rolled his eyes. "Riveting."
"Hey it's not my fault Ralph wasn't much of a conversationalist," Nancy snapped. "He was a teen ghost. He slept through almost everything!"
"Kind of hard to build a relationship with someone who's only awake a few days a year," Cody admitted. "He'd wake up. Ask what's new. Usually there was nothing new. He'd stand around for a few days. Then fall back to sleep again."
"He was awake that year they put in the first water heater," Burt spoke up. "And the second! He liked the water heater! Then again who doesn't like the water heater?"
"We're not talking about the water heater Burt!" Nancy snapped. "Ralph was an orphan! I remember that! His parents died of cholera the year before he did! And he was on the street. Then he got cholera. And died."
"Didn't exactly have the best story," Creepy Dirk remarked.
"Yeah, but he did something the rest of us only dream of doing," Nancy told him. "He got sucked off! Which gives it a happy ending!"
"Oh, Ralph gets a happy ending," Burt said sarcastically. "Whoopee."
"Lucky bastard got out of the basement before we did," Bill grumbled.
"Doesn't seem fair now does it?" Mary asked.
"It isn't!" Bill agreed with her. "Okay now he really is like the sons I had!"
"Still beats Todd by a mile…" Mary added.
"Even Edgar was better than Todd," Bill told her. "At least when he stole from the neighbors, he gave us a cut."
"Look this is about Ralph's passing on into the next realm," Cholera Nigel spoke up. "And I for one am ticked off about it! I'm ticked off that it wasn't me!"
"Oh, boo hoo," Creepy Dirk mocked. "Ralph had a hard life and a miserable afterlife. Well, who didn't?"
"Ralph got out! We're stuck here!" Burt snapped. "How did he do that anyway?"
"He realized his dream of kissing a girl," Nancy told him.
"That's it?" Burt did a double take. "That's all it took for that little bastard to get sucked off?"
"If it was that simple Agnes would have gotten half of us sucked off years ago," Stuart remarked.
A female Cholera ghost with a beard snapped. "You're not exactly picky either Stuart!"
"This isn't about Stuart," Nancy said. "This is about how Ralph got sucked off and how we can figure out to get ourselves sucked off and out of this freaking basement forever!"
"This from the galivanting ghost," Stuart remarked.
"It's not galivanting if you just go up a flight of stairs Stuart!" Nancy snapped.
"Ralph went up the ultimate stairway to heaven," Catherine remarked. "Why the hell wasn't it me? I've been putting up with you idiots for almost two centuries now!"
Creepy Dirk blinked. "Have we been here that long? Really?"
"I know," Stuart groaned. "It seems longer."
Cody spoke up. "We've been here for almost two centuries and Ralph barely spoke two sentences!"
"Well not everyone can be such a sparkling conversationalist as you, Cody!" Nancy barked.
Cody glared at her. "It's not my fault my parents were able to afford to send me to school for two years instead of one like the rest of you!"
"Ooh big man with his fancy education," Cholera Nigel grumbled.
"Don't start with me Nigel," Cody snapped.
Stuart spoke up. "People! People! We're getting off track here. This is about Ralph and how much we miss him."
"How can we miss him?" Catherine asked. "He barely said a word or did anything!"
"We didn't even notice he was missing until now," Burt added. "To be fair it's pretty dark in here but still…"
"I thought he was upstairs with Stephanie," Nancy admitted. "Or did I just forget to count him?"
"Honestly I forgot he was there half the time," Mary added. "God now I wish he was one of my kids."
"You see my point now, right?" Bill asked his wife.
"I do!" Mary admitted.
"Look Ralph is gone and we're…" Stuart paused. "Okay sad isn't the exact word. Now there's more space in the basement for us to wander a little. Actually, you know? This is a good thing for us. More room. Another person to complain about…"
"And you people wonder why I go upstairs all the time?" Nancy groaned.