"Diana Prince goes by Wonder Woman when in costume," Pearl explained. "She doesn't maintain a secret identity."
"So by trying to avoid Wonder Woman because I may have upset some Greek Goddesses and Gods as a teen… I somehow ended up dating her?" Xander asked in disbelief.
"You're dating Wonder Woman?" Pearl asked, surprised.
"She sprang for the big cookie at Starbucks to hear my story and later we went to an Oakland A's game where our date was interrupted by her needing to teleport away to deal with something. I pegged her as a hunter like myself, not a superhero. By the way, how common are teleporters?" Xander asked.
"Extremely rare, but the Justice League has access to advanced alien tech that they use so their members can handle problems all over the world," Pearl told him.
"You have the strangest luck," Tod said.
"I know, in fact an angel told me that just yesterday after I discovered that the Mayor had blocked all knowledge of MTV changing from 24 hour music videos to the abomination known as Reality Television," he said.
"Why would the mayor block that? What purpose could it serve?" Pearl asked.
"No idea, he might just have had good taste," Xander replied. "Except for the whole human sacrifice thing, he was an excellent mayor and a pretty good guy."
"He wanted people to be happy, keeping morale up," Tod suggested.
"I can't believe MTV has changed so much," Xander said, shaking his head. "It had the perfect formula for success, why change anything?"
"We may have to look into that," Tod said, frowning.
"You think there is a supernatural or metahuman reason?" Pearl asked doubtfully.
"No idea, but it is possible," Tod told her.
She narrowed her eyes and examined him closely. "You just want to harass the people in charge," she realized.
"Not 'just'," he argued, "though that is a bonus."
"And I kept getting all these popups about teen girls whose parents have remarried getting stuck in dryers for some reason," Xander said. "Did they change dryers to make them harder to escape or something?"
Tod snickered while Pearl sighed.
"You get to explain step-sister porn to him," she said flatly.
"Step-sister porn?" Xander asked. "Is that anything like the anime trope of siblings finding out they aren't blood related?"
"It's almost exactly like that," Tod agreed. "You see, since people no longer have strong bonds to friends and family because society is encouraging selfishness, then the idea of strengthening those bonds by combining the category of girlfriend and family has become popular."
"Isn't that what marriage is for?" Xander asked.
"It used to be," Tod said, "but the divorce rate is something like three quarters in most areas so the idea of a girlfriend who has to love you because you're also family, which never goes away is comforting."
"They also toss in parents, aunts and uncles, and cousins," Pearl added. "Personally I think he's reaching with his explanation and people just find taboo ideas exciting."
"And being stuck in a dryer?" Xander asked.
"It's not always a dryer," Tod said, "that's just the most commonly used one. The idea is that they are 'stuck' in an easily escapable situation designed to let the other person take advantage of them so they can make their play without risking open rejection on either side."
"That… Huh, that does make sense," Pearl admitted. "It'd also allow them to take a submissive position when society discourages being at all submissive for women."
"Well, the Mayor was really old fashioned, being over a hundred years old, so I think he blocked most internet porn in general," Xander said.
"Not surprising," Pearl said, "the world has become increasingly sexualized, horrifying the older generation even half that age."
"You said her uncle Hef reforged your shield?" Tod asked, steering them back on topic. "What did he look like?"
"Bald, red beard, one foot in a customized shoe, handed me a pamphlet on the worship of Hephaestus… Man I really ignored the obvious there," Xander said with a laugh. He pulled a pamphlet out of his pocket and handed it to Tod.
"You have a god forged shield?" Pearl asked, stepping over to pick up his shield and examine it.
"Someone's gotta make it," Xander said with a shrug. "I probably should have had him work on the hammer too, but I don't really use it much."
"You are strangely calm about a god forging you a shield," Pearl told him.
"There wasn't a quest or some super special ingredient needed in its construction," Xander said, "and he's made a lot of things over his lifespan as have a lot of gods. It's probably just a really, really, good shield I don't have to worry about breaking, not a legendary item."
Tod looked up from the pamphlet he was reading and stared at Xander for a minute before grinning. "You are holding in a girlish squee and plan to cradle your shield like a baby while dancing around your room in private aren't you."
Xander nodded, a wide smile breaking out on his face. "Yes, yes I am," he admitted and extended a hand, the shield flying to him whereupon he hugged it to his chest and squeed like a teenage girl.
"Men," Pearl said with a sigh as she tried not to laugh. "Telekinesis?" she asked curiously.
"No, Uncle Hef copied the Enochian rune I engraved on my dagger," Xander explained before strapping his shield on his left arm and holding out his right hand, the dagger flying to it.
"Enochian rune?" Pearl asked, eyes widening. "As in the angelic runic language?!"
"Third book down and probably about two thirds of the notes in my notebook," Xander replied as he set the dagger back on the bed and stroked his shield like it was a pet.
Pearl quickly dug into the small stack of books pulling out the one on Enochian runes and snatching up his notebook.
"She really into runes?" Xander guessed.
"When done correctly, they're supposed to be the most practical and least likely to backfire form of magic from what we could discover," Tod replied, "so naturally she's put a lot of effort into discovering all she could. Her success in using runes has been limited mostly to Nordic runes, and even that has taken years."
"I want a copy of your notes," Xander told the female agent.
"Not a problem, I'm copying yours," she said as she looked from his notes to the open book and back again. "Jesus, this guy must like to hear himself talk if this is the way he writes."
"I know, giant pain in the ass," Xander said with a chuckle. "I've gotten three runes to work and they're all written down as well as what the results were."
"That sanctuary rune is exactly what I've been looking for, for years," Pearl said, looking over at Xander. "What can you tell me about thresholds?"
Xander sat down and the three started discussing what he knew and suspected about the supernatural in depth, pausing when the pizza arrived and continuing until a little after midnight when they decided to call it a day and start again in the morning.
The Next Day
Xander awoke with a yawn, reaching over and patting his shield, before getting up to get a shower.
He'd just finished getting dressed when Tod knocked on his door.
"Morning," Xander said cheerfully. "Ready for more shop talk?"
"Looking forward to it, but Pearl wants to hit McDonalds and check out the Wingnut Museum first," Tod replied. "I figured we could poke around at your blind spots while checking it out if you wanted to come along."
"There's a Wingnut Museum?" Xander asked.
"Someone made a museum dedicated to wingnuts," the FBI agent replied with a shrug, "it's not remotely the strangest thing I've seen. Pearl wants us to check out the Susan Quinlan Doll and Teddy Bear Museum in Santa Barbara after we're done here. Wanna come?"
"No, a lot of no on that one," Xander said.
"Seen too many Chucky movies?" Tod guessed.
"No, but I've actually ran into a possessed ventriloquist dummy," Xander said. "Man, did he have a mouth on him. Good with a blade though."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously," Xander said. "He was a demon hunter who was cursed to be a doll until he killed a group of demons. I think there were seven of them, it was a while ago. Anyway, he made a lot of dirty jokes and with help was able to clear his slate. We all thought he'd turn back into a human but apparently his body had died decades earlier and he just wanted to pass on."
"Bit of a downer, bit of a happy ending," Tod said thoughtfully.
Xander nodded.
"So no doll museums for you then," he said.
"What? No, I'm fine with doll museums," Xander said, "but Teddy Bears…"
Tod just stared at him.
"Teddy Ruxpins creep me out," Xander said bluntly. "In fact, all animatronics are really creepy to me. Most people think AIs taking over is going to be like Terminator, but what it's really going to be like is one of those animatronic infested pizza chains suddenly gaining sentience and going on a killing spree."
Tod raised a hand, paused, and looked thoughtful. "I'd like to say you were paranoid," he finally said.
"But?"
"It's going on my 'to investigate' list," Tod admitted.
"Good, then that's one less thing I have to worry about," Xander said. "Let me grab my shield, dagger, and a couple of stakes, and I'll be ready to go."
"Seems a bit much for McDonalds and the Wingnut Museum," Tod noted.
"And if I were anybody else I'd agree," Xander said as he collected his gear, "but I get attacked at weird times for weird reasons."
"Having heard your stories I completely agree," Tod decided.
"Think I should bring the hammer?" Xander asked.
"Couldn't hurt and you can always leave it in the car."
"Point," Xander said, retrieving his hammer.
The two met up with Pearl in the parking lot.
"Expecting trouble?" she asked Xander curiously.
"Always," Xander replied. "I can leave the shield and hammer in the car, but I want to keep them handy."
"That's fair," she said, "I'm driving."
Xander climbed in the back seat of their rental car.
Two Hours Later
"That was a neat little museum," Xander said.
"Felt a bit like a garage," Pearl said. "If someone had been fixing a car in a corner of the place I wouldn't have been surprised."
"It's a converted warehouse, a lot of cars probably have been fixed in there," Tod offered. "Still, I liked the displays, I never knew people got so… artistic with their wingnuts."
"There was a time when companies went out of their way to make their products look attractive," Pearl said, "before it became all about profit over everything else, so modern wingnuts are function over form and made as cheaply as possible."
"I think that's because people don't bother looking for better," Xander said. "I'm sure any number of businesses would be willing to create stylish fasteners if you were willing to pay them to, but most people just look up the cheapest source they can find."
"That's a good point," Pearl said. "When I look for replacement parts on something I either look for the exact item or a cheap replacement, I never look for a stylish one."
"It's something to think about," Tod said. "Now, let's hit Starbucks and finish up our interview."
"I think we've covered most of the practical information I have," Xander said as they climbed back into the car, "most of what else I can tell you is just stories of what I've faced and done, much of which may be illegal in many countries including this one."
"That's another reason superheroes wear masks," Tod said unconcerned as he felt he was familiar enough with Alexander to believe anything he'd done was necessary to protect human life, "it's hard to prosecute someone when you don't know who they are."
"I think it's more the lack of paperwork myself," Pearl offered as she started the car.
"Pardon?" Xander asked, perking up like a dog scenting a fresh steak.
"Superheroes don't fill out paperwork, at all," she explained.
"Why didn't someone tell me this sooner?" Xander asked. "I've filled out so many forms…" He absently rubbed his right wrist.
"And I'm sure the police appreciate it," Tod assured him. "It's much harder to prosecute people when they just show up tied to street lamps with notes pinned to their chests."
"I don't arrest people, I kill monsters," Xander said. "Most of the time there isn't even a body left behind and most of the times there are they melt into goo that evaporates in sunlight."
"To be fair, the very fact that you don't wear a mask and actually talk to the police makes them trust you more," Pearl offered.
"I can stand a little less trust if I get less hand cramps to go with it," Xander said. "Of course, I don't wear a silly outfit or have a catchy name as I usually stumble across things and have to handle them right then and there…"
"It doesn't have to be a fancy costume, the shield and hammer pretty much says it all regardless of clothing," Tod told him.
"I could just wear a flannel shirt and Levi's with a mask and call myself The Vigilante," Xander said. "Then I just have to carry a mask in my back pocket and I'm covered."
"Someone already does that and by coincidence he goes by Vigilante," Pearl said.
"That lazy bastard stole my idea about how to be a lazy bastard," Xander complained, making the agents laugh.
"But seriously, help me figure out a name," Xander said as they pulled into the Starbucks drive thru.
"Coffee first," Tod said firmly.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By : Abyssal Angel, Mist of Shadows, and Kyrin Fireheart
TN: Did you seriously just bring Five Nights at Freddy's into this?!
AN: And Chuck E. Cheese!