"Mr. Giles," Zatanna greeted him.
Giles looked up from the book he'd been taking notes of, "Sorry, I was lost in thought. How may I help you?"
"We've gotten a call from Sunnydale about a demon statue that can suck the world into hell?" she asked.
"Suck the world… Oh, Acathla," Giles said. "Yes, only a champion can draw the sword from it, but it probably should be moved to someplace… Can we have it placed on… I don't know, Pluto?"
"That probably is a good idea," the sorceress said thoughtfully. "I'm sure one of the Green Lanterns can handle that, but in the meantime we can store it on the Watchtower. Want to come along so we can be sure we have the right stone demon with a bloody sword through it?" she joked.
Giles chuckled. "I should stop by my apartment and check my messages anyway. And for your information there are three stone demons with bloody swords through them in Sunnydale."
"Really?" she asked, surprised.
"Oh yes," he said. "Buffy killed a demon who turned to stone and couldn't get the sword out last spring. You would not believe how she went on about it."
"And the third?"
Giles grinned. "A couple of months ago, Buffy had just torn through a small pack of assorted demons when, and I'm quoting her here, it jumped out and surprised her because she most certainly did not in any way mistake a statue for a living demon and run it through, so would I please not ask and just provide her with another sword."
Zatanna giggled. "It jumped out and surprised her?"
"She was actually being honest about that," Giles said. "It turns out the school AV Club was planning to use it as a jump-scare for one of their movie marathons and had it rigged to pop out from behind a curtain."
"This is a singularly unique town," she said.
"Thankfully," Giles agreed. "Well, let's make sure you have the right one."
"Two to port," Zatanna said, touching her comm unit.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"Hey Mom," Dawn said as they entered the house.
"You two are back early," she noted. "Any problems?"
"No, I just realized I could get my own place, so after your realtor hooked me up with one, I decided to drop Dawn off so I could make sure it was safe before bringing her over," Xander explained.
"You think it might be occupied?" Joyce asked, concerned.
"Maybe," Xander said. "Regardless, I'd feel better if I had a chance to go through it and put up some sanctuary runes before having Dawn over."
Joyce smiled. "Better safe than sorry. Please be careful while checking it out."
"I will," Xander promised. "I'm going in armed during daylight hours, which is as safe as Sunnydale gets."
"Don't get hurt, you have to take me to the drive-in tonight," Dawn reminded him.
"I'll try," Xander promised. "See you in a couple of hours when you help me move in."
"Oh," Dawn said as the door closed behind him, "I just volunteered to help him more. Oh well, that just means I get to snoop through his stuff."
"Since when does Sunnydale have a drive-in?" Joyce asked.
"No idea," Dawn said with a shrug before dropping onto the sofa, "but Xander bought it."
"Why would he buy a drive-in? How did he buy a drive-in?" Joyce asked.
"It has a house built under it and he got fifteen thousand knocked off the price if he'd buy it without going in," Dawn replied. "He's pretty sure Superman and The Flash got rid of all the vampires, so it's not that big a deal, but he's being cautious."
"And the how?" Joyce asked, thinking it was probably pretty expensive.
"The assassins who tried to kill Buffy wanted their rings back and Xander sold them to them," Dawn explained.
"They contacted Xander?"
"He'd kept one of the rings," Dawn said with a shrug. "They probably used magic to find out who had them or they asked Xander because he's the least likely to attack them without listening to what they said first."
"He lives a very active life," Joyce finally said.
Dawn just grinned. "So… what does one do at a drive-in?" she asked innocently.
"Give me gray hairs," Joyce replied, amused, "or in this case the exact same thing as you'd do if you were in a theater until you're at least sixteen."
"Cuddling and snacking," Dawn said with a nod. "Can I steal a goodnight kiss?"
"No tongue, but I'll allow it," Joyce said.
"Acceptable," Dawn decided. "I hope all the theater stuff is still there or we'll have to cuddle up on his bed and watch TV. Hmm. Scratch that… I think I like that option better."
Joyce rolled her eyes, trusting Xander to reign in her ever hopeful daughter and not let her get away with anything she'd disapprove of. 'If only Buffy had better taste in men,' she thought to herself.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Xander checked the time, saw it was a little after noon with the sun almost directly overhead as he drove onto the property, hopped out of the car and entered the code on the lockbox that held the keys to the place.
It only took a minute to unlock the gate and slide it open to allow him to drive into side A. As he drove in he couldn't help but admire how clean and neat everything was. Sure the place had never opened, but the bushes were trimmed as well as the mature wall of Juniper trees separating the two sides and there wasn't a trace of trash anywhere.
It was a two screen drive-in with a large two story red brick building housing the arcade and concession stand above the house, built inside what was probably designed to be a fallout shelter. He had a rough sketch of where everything was supposed to be and the city had already turned on the power, if they'd ever turned it off in the first place.
Xander was of the opinion that the city found it cheaper to leave all the services on than deal with the complaints from the sunlight challenged residents. He parked in front of the building and got out, listening for any sound that would indicate someone or something was in residence, but heard nothing.
*ring*ring*ring*
And then his phone rang and he jumped two feet into the air and clutched his warhammer to his chest.
"Hello?" he said as he tried to get his breathing under control. "Just checking out my new home, bought it today… Sure, I could use the help."
Diana appeared in a flash of light in a nice blue blouse and well worn Levi's.
Xander hung up the phone.
"Expecting company?" Diana asked, noting he was armed as if going into battle.
"Just a precaution," Xander replied. "The last couple of people who bought this place vanished without a trace so it's best to be cautious."
"And you still bought it?" she asked, surprised.
"I got a very good deal," Xander said. "Also, I've always wanted my own personal theater… and an arcade… and a home that would let me survive a nuclear war."
"What foes are you expecting," she asked.
"It's Sunnydale so it's probably vampires, but Superman and Flash did a sweep of the town last week, so it's probably taken care of, but I'm not going to rely on that, thus the weapons."
"I don't suppose you have a spare sword?"
"A couple of silver plated knives and a hand axe," Xander told her as he opened the trunk of his car, "nothing fancy."
Diana picked up the axe and gave a couple of practice swings, checking the weight, before twirling it around like a baton. "Serviceable," she said with a smile.
"Just so you know, I find weapon competence really attractive," Xander told her, making her laugh. He unlocked the glass doors leading into the snackbar, finding the light switches high up on the wall just inside the entrance.
"A bit dusty," Diana noted as she scanned the floor for footprints, but there wasn't enough dust on the floor to show any.
"I'll have to hire someone to clean," he said as he sniffed the air, relieved he didn't smell any rotting corpses. "Arcade and projector booths are on the second floor, but we should finish up here first. Do you want bathrooms or kitchen?"
"I'll check the kitchen," Diana said, "I prefer to avoid public bathrooms."
"I know the feeling," Xander said. "Yell if you find anything."
The two split up and met back near the front doors about a minute later.
"This place was never opened so the bathrooms are still clean," Xander said. "Dusty, but clean."
"The kitchen is the same," Diana said.
"On to the second floor then," he said cheerfully.
The pair climbed up to the second floor.
"Nice," Xander said with approval after he'd flipped on the lights, seeing a decent collection of arcade games that were probably a decade or more out of date as well as a half dozen pinball machines scattered about.
"There doesn't seem to be any places for enemies to hide," Diana noted.
"Let's check the projection booths and we should be done," Xander said, "at least with the topside part, which I expected to be empty."
"Vampiric and demonic foes are much more likely to hide below ground," she said with an understanding nod.
"Exactly," Xander said as they walked past a row of older soda machines to enter the employees only area.
The projection booth held no surprises but the film storage area made him smile as it was filled with a large assortment of film reels dating back to the fifties but held no movies more recent than the mid 90's.
"And now the safe portion of the job is out of the way," Xander said, relieved.
"You'll have to take me on a date here at some point," Diana teased, "I've heard good things about drive-ins, but have never gone to one."
"I'd be glad to," Xander said, "my classic car has a rather large back seat just perfect for movie viewing."
She giggled at his comically waggling eyebrows.
"And now to the combat portion of our visit and then… I'm thinking lunch," Xander said.
"Now I'm almost hoping we have something to battle," she said.
"Yeah, all this build up and no climax?" he asked rhetorically. "Is battle blue balls a thing? Nevermind I've known three Slayers, it is totally a thing."
Diana just grinned, she liked his sense of humor but she also wanted to see what he was like in battle.
"The entrance… there are two, but the interior one was padlocked and I don't know the combo, so let's use the exterior one," he said.
"They exited the building and circled around to the back where there was a pair of doors, one marked employees only which lead to the kitchen.
The other door was ajar.
"And we have our winner," Xander said before adjusting his shield and pulling his dagger.
"I should probably go first," Diana said.
"Then you have to carry the shield," Xander said, sliding his arm out of the strap and handing it to her.
"Alright, but stay behind me and the shield until we see what we're dealing with," Diana told him.
"Lead the way," Xander said.
Diana pushed the door open revealing a downward sloped hallway made of cement. Apparently they'd decided to forgo stairs and make the place wheelchair accessible even if they'd had to build it a ways away.
"Dark," Xander muttered, though there appeared to be a flickering yellow glow in the distance.
"How's your night vision?" she asked as they advanced downwards at a slow but steady pace, ready for an attack.
"As long as it's not pitch black I'll be able to see," Xander replied.
"Good," Diana said, eyes running over the smooth cement walls to make sure there weren't any hidden doors that would allow them to be attacked from behind once they'd passed them.
The amount of light dropped and Xander glanced behind them. "Door's gone, it's just a featureless stone wall now," he said with a frown, sniffing the air but not smelling anything interesting besides the smell of her perfume. "Vanilla musk?" he asked. "I like it."
"Thanks," Diana said with a bright smile, "it's one of my favorites."
The hall ended in a large square room lit by torches and suddenly the smell of blood was nearly overwhelming, coming from a deep pit dug in the center of the room.
"That's going to be a bitch to fill in," Xander complained, eyeing the wood paneling and wondering why someone had decided 70's decor was the way to go.
"I know some people who can help," Diana said, amused that he was more concerned with filling in the pit than what was inside of it as a low growl and the rasp of scales on stone rose from it.
"Why does it always have to be snakes,"Diana joked, having sat through the trilogy recently since Clark and Patrick had insisted they were a must see.
Xander smiled widely and he chuckled quietly, then a familiar looking snake demon rose out of the pit. "I call bullshit," Xander said. "Harmony killed Matilda over there less than a week ago."
The demon froze and then vanished back into the darkness.
"Illusion?" she questioned, relaxing her stance as she'd been prepared for an attack.
"There was substance to it," Xander said, "so… maybe."
The pit seemed to glow and two people jumped out, a red eyed Wonder Woman and a leather clad Xander Harris with glowing yellow eyes.
"Ah crap, it's one of those face your own worst version things," Xander grumbled.
"Oh, I'm gonna have fun with you," Hyena Xander growled out as he looked Diana over and licked his lips.
"Puny mortal worm," Wonder Woman hissed at him.
"Or we're facing our fears of our own worst selves attacking each other… which is like two different psychological attacks," he said before quickly ducking as Wonder Woman swung at his head, the clang of Hyena's fist on Diana's shield ringing out.
"This is clumsily done," Diana complained as she kicked Hyena in the chest, sending him flying over the pit to crash into the wall.
"Yeah," Xander agreed as he frantically dodged a series of rapid blows before he lashed out with his dagger, causing Wonder Woman to withdraw her arm, hissing at the cut on it.
"Allow me," Diana said suddenly in between Xander and Wonder Woman, her shield slam sending the evil doppelganger slamming into the wall across the room to fall limply next to the Hyena's crumpled form.
"Man, am I glad it can't make full strength clones," Xander said.
"The Alex I faced wasn't at full strength?" she asked, surprised.
"It was probably as strong as I was when I was possessed, but she is no Wonder Woman," he explained.
"Well… she is just a clone of me dressed as Wonder Woman," Diana said with a smirk, making him laugh.
Xander's arm flicked out and a silver dagger sunk into the throat of a nazi with a familiar face who'd just climbed out of the pit. "This is just pathetic," Xander said. "It's trying to get us based on our fears I think, or maybe just mine?"
"You're afraid of becoming a nazi?" she asked.
"The night I was turned into a soldier, he was a good guy, but what if I'd been dressed as a bad one?" he asked. "Plus I hate Nazis."
"That makes sense," she agreed as he held out his hand and the knife flew into it.
"We need to find the source of this," she decided as a fishman wearing clown makeup hissed wetly only to meet its end from Xander's dagger before it could escape the pit.
"I'm open to ideas," Xander said as he wiped his dagger on his pants leg.
"We need to jump into the pit," she said. "Climb on my back."
"Sure," Xander said, sheathing his dagger and climbing on her back.
"Not going to ask?" she questioned with amusement.
"I can make an inane sexual comment with the best of them," he said proudly, "but truthfully I'm guessing you can fly, glide, or land really well."
"Good call," she said as he adjusted his grip on her. "Get ready."
Xander tightened his legs around her waist, his arms around her neck as she leapt into the air and crashed down onto the floor, cracking the cement as there was no longer a pit but a magical circle drawn in blood in the center of the floor.
"Ha ha ha, I am free!" the demon roared. "Fear me!"
Xander and Diana looked down at the six inch tall demon that looked like a mummified corpse dressed in ragged black leather armor with lines of wire cutting into its flesh standing a couple of feet away in the center of the pentagram.
"Squash him?" Xander suggested.
Diana stepped forward and crushed it beneath her sneaker, the room changing to reveal half a dozen mummified bodies lying around the now decorated room, the torches vanishing, replaced by banks of fluorescent lights overhead.
"That was a bit anticlimactic," Xander said.
"Just a bit," Diana agreed as she looked around. "And there is the book that was probably used to summon him," she said, pointing to a large tome open on the coffee table. She walked over and picked it up.
"It's in Latin," Xander noted, reading over her shoulder. "Gachnar the demon of fear. Hah, I was right!"
"A bit weak for a name rank demon," she said with a frown.
"I know," Xander agreed. "I know a thirteen year old boy… actually I think he's fifteen now, who was much better at causing fear. He engulfed the entire town in the effect, not one measly room and did a much better job too."
"I'll have to hear that story, but later," Diana said, "we have several more rooms to check and with this being your hometown… I'm not going to assume they're not filled with monsters wanting to devour the living."
"That's actually a good point," Xander said, reluctantly climbing down off her back.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel, Mist of Shadows, and Kyrin Fireheart
AN: Poor Gachnar, outdone by Billy while he was resting in bed.
Omake by RUGoing2writethat
And now that you've made your comment about writing the Omakes, I actually did think of this one: What if the place Xander is buying has the "opposite" situation? Instead of a Demon setting up shop...well, we've seen that angels are real so...
Xander walked into his new home, and started looking around. He found the lobby janitor's closet, fully stocked, and proceeded to clean up. He'd made a last minute modification to the purchase: all three janitor closets (one in the Men's restroom, one in the Women's restroom, the largest in the Lobby) were to be fully stocked, with the one large janitor supply room, behind the lobby's janitor closet, fully stocked by the end of the month. He wouldn't have to buy cleaning supplies for at least five years.
As he was cleaning the final room, and thinking about what to put in each room, a being of light flashed in. At first he thought it was Jethro from the Eagle Host but the large warrior had a sword with him. "Greetings, I am Caspernius, Warrior of the Eastern Legion."
Xander then said, "I am Xander Harris."
"Good, good. I am relieved. Finally, someone to take this place who is not evil."
"What do you mean?" asked Xander, relaxing since it appeared he wasn't going to be smited (smote...smoted...whatever) by the warrior angel.
The angel proceeded to explain that the previous 3 buyers were all intending to set up the place for nefarious purposes. The first wanted to sacrifice people to various demons to gain power; the angel had beheaded him, preventing another Mayor Wilkins from rising. The second wanted to set up a human trafficking ring, to supply demons with body parts and food; she was bisected.
The third was...the angel refused to go into detail and only stated that the third buyer was still alive and personally delivered to the flames of Hell and the hands of the Devil for special punishments.
All of them had minions, most of whom fled, but some were also dealt with.
"I see. This is unusual. I expected a demon infestation not an angelic occupation."
"Unfortunately, I am being punished. I became complacent and failed one of my duties and my punishment is to guard this place and whoever buys it from evil. I was given permission to deal with the previous buyers. You, however, are not evil and while you are here, I will guard you against any who would harm you. While you are away, I will ensure the place stays clear of others you do not want here. When you pass on my punishment will be completed, then I can return to my post, restored to my rank."
"So are you now my guardian angel?" Xander asked.
"Yes, and no. I cannot leave Sunnydale, as part of my punishment, so if you leave, I cannot go with you. While you are here, I will protect you and guard you."
"I see," said Xander, "so, ever watch any Doctor Who?"
The angel looked at Xander and Xander said, "The projector still works and I can buy the entire boxed set of Doctor Who, the Three Stooges, and various other series. We should probably get Touched by an Angel for you or maybe Highway to Heaven. Oh, I can get you The Messengers, too."
Xander looked up at the angel and wondered why he was face palming.
AN: Not sure why the angel seems upset, those are quality shows!