Giles raised an eyebrow at the message Joyce had left on his answering machine. "He forgot Dawn? It probably happened when the Mayor's spell broke. That boy has the worst luck with magic."
He picked up his phone and dialed Joyce's number, making a mental note to get a cell phone. "Hello? Oh, good afternoon Dawn. Is Joyce available?"
It only took a few minutes of talking with Joyce before he felt he had a handle on things. "I'll be by later, I'll need four candles and salt which I have plenty of... I'd normally say it would solve the problem, but this is Xander we are talking about... Dinner sounds lovely... Very well, I'll see you then... bye."
Giles had a smile on his face as he checked his supplies. With the Mayor's spell broken and his knowledge of the true state of the world returned, things no longer seemed remotely as bleak as it had. Sure, the addition of aliens and supervillains complicated things, but the forces of Hell had little hope of overcoming the Earth's defenders.
A home cooked meal and touching base with Xander were also things he was looking forward to.
"That boy just has the worst luck," Giles said with a chuckle. "Well, at least with the Hellmouth drained he'll have an easier time of it for a while."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"This isn't one of the three bedrooms, we've already checked them," Xander said. "It's probably just a broom closet."
The door opened to reveal a massive room filled with enormous white… eggs.
"That's not a broom closet," Diana said as they entered the room.
One of the eggs began to rock slightly.
*crack*
"And they just happened to pick this instant to hatch," Xander said with a sigh. "Sure, that might as well happen. Hope they're giant chickens."
"Scrraaawww!" A bony silver hand with black claws burst through one of the shells.
"Probably not a chicken," Diana said dryly, amusement in her eyes and she spun the axe in her hand.
*crack*crack*crack*crack*crack*crack*
"And it brought friends," Xander said.
"There must be nearly forty of them here," Diana noted as an ugly skeletal head with black fangs in a silver skull burst through its shell.
"They're newborns, I bet they're weak," Xander said as one managed to free itself from its shell and leapt at him. He brought up his shield and was driven back by the force of the blow, though where it had come in contact with the shield smoked slightly and its maddened shriek caused more eggs to rock and crack.
"Not that weak," Diana said, using the axe to split one who tried to leap on her nearly in half, the force of the blow sending it flying into the ceiling.
"I'd say we retreat and lock them in here," Xander said smashing the skull of one who was smart enough to stay on the ground when coming at him, "but that just delays dealing with them and I don't want to come back from vacation only to find they have laid eggs all over the house."
"Best to clear out the pests before moving in," she agreed, kicking one into another and taking the under torso off one with a simple swing of the axe.
"Yeah, pest control is always best done before decorating," Xander joked, using the edge of his shield to knock one back with a smoking wound on its arm before swaying to the side to almost completely dodge another's attempts to gut him.
The two moved away from the door to give them more room to move so they wouldn't get boxed in, as the newly hatched demons rushed them. The pair quickly cleared the room, most of the demons dying to Diana's might and maybe a sixth defeated by Xander who was doing his best but was clearly outclassed, not that he minded.
"Duck!"
Xander dropped to the ground as a silver axe flew overhead to split the skull open of... one of the whatever it was they were facing.
As he foot swept a skeletal looking demon using the momentum to twist to his feet, shield edge beheading another one of the creatures, he was completely unaware of Diana's eyes following him with a small smile, his actions and movements reminding her of a time when she'd first entered man's world.
"This could make an awesome library slash meeting room," Xander said breathlessly, more than a little worn out.
"Your reaction to discovering a room full of demons trying to kill us is 'This would be a great place to study?'" Diana asked, trying not to laugh.
"Yeah," Xander agreed. "Probably has something to do with all the time I spent studying in the library at Sunnydale High and the large number of times we were attacked by demons there," he said thoughtfully. "Still, this is like, four times the size of the livingroom which means there is plenty of room for sparring as well as all the bookcases and a huge blackboard, so we can write out current plans, etc..."
Diana looked around the room filled with the remains of human sized eggs which the skeletal demons had hatched from, their bodies slowly crumbling into what appeared to be startlingly white sand. "I can see it. I think its original purpose was storage, you can see where they removed bolts from the walls to remove the shelves."
"Yeah, pretty sure this place was designed to keep a family of four safe through a nuclear war... before some idiot summoned a demon."
"Will it need ritualistic cleansing?" Diana asked.
"I'm probably going to steam clean the place with holy water at some point, but I'm not getting any Hellmouthy vibes now that all the demons are gone," Xander replied. "I'll toss up a sanctuary rune in each room just to be safe, but it should be good."
Diana nodded. "Lunch?" she suggested.
"I could eat," he said with a smile. "Are you in the mood for Italian food or burgers? I'd suggest Italian, the Double Meat Palace is cheap and fast, but I'm pretty sure there's no actual meat involved."
"I enjoy Italian," she agreed.
"Well then-" he began when her comm unit chimed, interrupting him. He waved for her to answer it.
"Understood," she said aloud. "I'll be ready in a moment."
"Rain check?" Xander asked her.
"Rain check," she agreed. "One to port."
Xander blinked spots from his eyes after she vanished in a burst of light. "I'm going to have to start closing my eyes when she does that. Now, where did I put my chisel? Hope it's in the trunk."
He retrieved his axe, wincing from the sting in his side where a claw had grazed him. "I should make myself some armor, maybe chainmail at least."
Passing through the livingroom, he frowned at all the corpses. He wasn't quite sure what to do about them. Sunnydale PD was so corrupt they might try to arrest him for the murders if he reported them despite the condition of the bodies indicating they'd died quite some time ago.
Stepping into the daylight he found himself face to face with someone he never thought he'd see again. "Ted," he greeted the android who was dressed in a plaid flannel shirt and Levi's, holding a pair of hedge clippers.
"Alexander," Ted replied, freezing in place for a moment before continuing awkwardly, "I run the landscaping service Sunnydale Realtor's employs."
"Can we talk about the dead wives?" Xander asked dryly, very glad he had his axe and shield on him and buying time to regain his strength from the last battle.
"What about them?" he asked.
"How about why did you kill them?" Xander asked. "It can't be for the money. Willow went through the records and none of them were rich."
"I didn't kill them," Ted said, obviously offended, "a power outage caused a software fault that prevented me from updating my social programming, so the women I attracted were all well past retirement age. Women that age who decide to date a much younger man are not the type looking to spend their golden years in medical care, they want to live their last years to the fullest and that really cut down on the length of it."
"You were dating wild grannies?" Xander asked in disbelief.
"You've never dated an older woman?" Ted asked, giving him a look.
"Fair, I probably have you beat there," Xander admitted.
"Mary flipped her Harley on the turnpike, Janice died in a skydiving accident," Ted listed off. "Say what you will but my girls made their final years count."
"Then why were their bodies in your basement?" Xander demanded.
Ted shuddered. "I have read the rap sheets of every mortician in Sunnydale."
"Rap sheets? Why would... oh," Xander said, face wrinkling like he'd bitten a lemon and shuddering himself.
"Yeah," Ted said. "The people who can only find jobs in Sunnydale are either locals, or..."
"And you couldn't have gotten one from out of town because of the mayor," Xander realized. "How about trying to kill Buffy and drugging us," Xander said dryly.
"The way she moved and muscle density was clearly unnatural and would likely have required a substantial steroid problem," Ted explained. "I was trying to provoke a roid rage so I could get her help."
"I... That would be the best you could do if you couldn't reveal the android thing," Xander admitted. "And the drugged cookies?"
"Best way I've found to treat PTSD, which you were all clearly in the early stages of and from the looks of it could still use some help with," the android said seriously.
Xander sighed and loosened his grip on his axe. "So we overreacted."
"Not really," Ted disagreed. "From the information you were working with, it was the logical solution. Garbage in, garbage out. Thankfully my spare body's programming update was not interrupted by a power outage so I'm able to blend in much more easily now."
"No more dating grannies?" he guessed.
"People are so shallow these days that I'm holding off dating for a couple of decades," Ted said with a sigh.
"That's fair," Xander agreed, not wanting to encourage Ted to get back into dating until he'd gotten a chance to check out his backstory a bit more and make sure he'd been telling the truth, though his gut instinct said he was being honest. "How much would you charge to keep up the landscaping and maintenance here?"
"Eighty dollars a month, it's a rather large property with limited greenery," Ted said cheerfully. "I only handle the exteriors for that price, however."
"How much would you charge to clean the interior and how are you at moving?"
"Interior of the business or the underground portion, and do you mean packing up your things to move them here?' he asked.
"Top side needs some serious dusting and the bottom, I'll have to show you," Xander said. "Let me put my weapons in the car."
"It's not a bunch of demon goo, is it?" Ted asked. "I'd have to use a pressure washer to clean it out of concrete."
"No," Xander said as he put his shield and axe in the back of his car. "Well, maybe one small spot. Most of the mess is sand, dust, and egg shells."
"Egg shells?"
"Really big egg shells," Xander said, waving for Ted to follow him. "Also not sure what to do about all the bodies," Xander said as they walked down the big hall to the livingroom.
"Bodies? Victims of demons?" Ted guessed.
"Yeah," Xander agreed as they entered the room and he waved to the scattered corpses.
"They look mummified, which makes moving them easier," Ted decided. "I can drop them off at one of the morgues during the night when they are closed, they aren't fresh enough to appeal to the morticians, so that's fine. I'm going to charge you two hundred because of the number of them though."
"That's fine," Xander said. "I'll need the bloody circle and smooshed demon washed off."
"Must have been a tiny one," Ted noted.
"Very," Xander agreed.
"I can clean that without too much trouble. If you want me to seal the crack in the floor as well, we are looking at... an extra thirty bucks."
"Good deal," Xander said. "The rooms need dusting and vacuuming, but the real mess is here," he explained as he led the android to the large storage room.
"What was in here?" Ted asked, staring at the sand and shells.
"No idea," Xander admitted. "Easier to kill than vampires, but a lot more cleanup."
"How much stuff do you need moved from your old place?" Ted asked.
"Dozen large boxes, bed, dresser, desk," Xander listed out. "Most everything is still boxed up from putting it in the basement."
Ted nodded. "I'll tell you what I'll do. For a thousand even, I'll clean and repair the interior, dispose of the corpses, and move all your stuff in. I can have it all done before sunrise provided you don't want me to unpack anything."
Xander nodded. "That sounds fair. Cash fine?"
"Cash is great," Ted said. "I'll have to do this under the table anyway, because body disposal isn't exactly a legal service I can provide."
"Fair," Xander said, taking out his wallet and counting out the money, before handing him the keys. "Use the rear entrance and try not to disturb my parents."
"Not a problem," Ted assured him.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"Rupert, good to see you," Joyce said. "I trust my daughter isn't giving you any problems?"
"I'd say no more than usual, but since she is spending the majority of her time with the Teen Titans it's considerably less than that," he said with a smile, entering the house without waiting for an invitation.
"I'm sure she'll make up for it later," Joyce said with a smile.
"G-Man!" Dawn called out cheerfully.
Giles sighed in fond exasperation. "Xander really has corrupted you."
"You know you love me," Dawn said, making Joyce chuckle.
"Where is Xander?"
"Making sure the drive-in is safe for our date," Dawn said happily. "Well, if the projector works anyway."
*knock*knock*
"That's probably him now," Dawn squealed and opened the door to reveal Xander, pulling him inside for a hug.
"Hey Dawnie," Xander said, giving her a hug and wincing a little.
"Are you okay?" Giles asked.
"Got grazed by a claw," Xander said. "Just a scratch, but you know how it is."
"Let's get that seen to," the Watcher said firmly, guiding him to sit down on the couch. "Animal or demon?"
"Demon," Xander said. "They hatched from man sized eggs, looked like skeletons covered in scaly silver skin. I've already cleaned it with holy water, I just need some bactine and a bandaid."
Giles nodded while pulling up Xander's shirt to examine it. "No excessive bleeding or signs of poison," he noted. "I'm not familiar with the demons you described. How did you handle it?"
"Silver plated axe and the edge of my shield," Xander replied, deciding not to mention Diana as he didn't want it to get back to Willow and Buffy, because they would probably try and give Diana the shovel speech and that would just make things awkward. "They were slower and weaker than vampires, just a lot of them."
"Well I'm glad you're okay," Giles said. "You should have called for backup."
"I didn't know they'd be there," Xander replied, wincing as Dawn gently felt his wound. "I went in armed just in case, but I'd thought Superman and Flash had probably already cleaned the property out along with the rest of the town."
"Where was this?" Giles asked. "I mean, where did you find the demons?"
"I just bought the drive-in on the edge of town," Xander explained. "I got it cheap because the realtors don't know that most of the demons have been wiped out. Anyway, top half of the property is fine, everything unoccupied and intact, but I bought the property for the cement fallout shelter below it."
"Building underground in Sunnydale is foolish," Giles said.
"Pretty much," he agreed. "Anyway the livingroom contained a fear demon someone had summoned, but Billy did a better job than it did. It was about a foot high and easy to squish, which dispelled all its illusions, revealing a bunch of mummified corpses, presumably the people who'd tried to buy the property before me."
"Billy?" Joyce asked.
"The little league player who was beaten by his coach," Xander reminded them.
"I think he's in my class," Dawn offered.
"And then?" Giles asked, trying to keep him on topic.
"Checking the other rooms I discovered they left the storage room off the blueprints they'd given me and it had at least forty man sized eggs which immediately hatched, releasing what looked like skeletons covered in lizard skin. Sharp black claws, scaly, lots of hissing, slow and stupid," Xander said.
"I'll have to see what I can find out," Giles said. "Why did you fight them rather than retreating?"
"I'd rather face them than give them a free shot at my back," Xander said, deciding to distract them from asking about how he'd managed to kill so many demons on his own. "They weren't nearly as strong or fast as a vampire, and were actually less intelligent. Long story short, the property is clean, Ted the 'not quite as homicidal as we thought' android is still alive and cleaning the place and moving my stuff in for a reasonable amount."
"You might have skipped something there," Joyce said, very concerned that her ex was 'alive' again.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel, Mist of Shadows, and Kyrin Fireheart