"You're up rather late," Xander said, "it's almost noon."
"I had some things I needed to do," Angel replied, clearly uncomfortable. "I need a favor."
"It probably helps if you don't sound like you're pulling teeth while you're saying it," Xander offered with a grin that could be heard over the phone.
"Xander, it's Cordy," Cordelia's voice came over the phone after a second of muffled scuffling.
"Cordy?" Xander asked, surprised. "Why are you hanging out with Deadboy?"
"He needed a receptionist," she replied. "Angel needs a favor and you owe me."
"At last count you owed me," Xander countered, planning to go see Angel regardless, but having too much fun to simply give in yet.
"Grr. Just give in already you jerk!" she exclaimed, knowing him quite well.
Xander laughed. "Okay, calm down. Give me the address and I'll be in LA in an hour."
"It's been a week, shouldn't you be in Utah or something?" she asked.
"Had to come back because the Mayor erased all my memories of Dawn," he explained. "Giles did his mojo but no dice, I still don't remember her."
"That sucks," Cordelia said, worried about the younger girl. "How's she taking it?"
"I spent some time with her and took her out to the drive-in, she's pretty happy with how things are," he replied.
"When did we get a drive-in?" Cordelia asked.
"Apparently it just never opened because the owners kept dying," Xander said. "Anyway, she seems like a great girl and we click, so she's perfectly happy to have me get to know her again as her own person and not as Buffy's younger sister."
"Yeah, I can see how that would give her a leg up and you are pretty easy," Cordelia said bluntly.
"And you know easy," he jabbed at her.
"Of course, I've been friends with Harmony for years," she riposted, the pair bursting out in laughter.
"Give me the address, I'll be there in an hour or two, depending on traffic, and we can hang out while Angel gets some sleep," Xander said. "Send him to bed, I'm not dealing with a cranky sleep deprived vamp."
"Yeah," Cordelia said and snickered, "that would suck."
"Much like Deadboy himself, bye," Xander said and hung up.
Angel Investigations
"Swanky digs," Xander noted as he parked in front of the massive hotel, wondering who Angel had to kill to get his hands on it. He glanced at the backseat but decided to leave his shield behind, as entertaining as seeing Angel shrink away from it would be.
"Doofus," Cordelia called out as she exited the hotel with a short blonde guy who dressed a lot like Xander, but with more wrinkles in his clothes.
"Harpy," he replied cheerfully. "Who did Angel kill to get this place?"
"Some big fear demon," she replied with a shrug.
"Huh, that's how I got a discount on my place, though it's not nearly as large, though to be fair neither was the demon."
"You've got your own place?" Cordelia asked, surprised. "I figured you'd be living in your parent's basement until some girl made you move out."
Xander rolled his eyes. "I'm not that bad, and yes, I bought a nice three bedroom bomb shelter underneath a drive-in."
"What? Seriously?" she asked.
"Yeah, it's on the edge of town, never opened and came with a tiny fear demon, a dozen dehydrated corpses, and forty weird scaly demons in giant eggs."
"You've been busy," she said. "But enough about you, this is Doyle, he gets visions that help Angel help people."
"Doyle," he introduced himself and offered a hand.
"Xander," the dark haired teen offered, clasping it and giving a firm shake. "So… what do we do while Angel catches up on his beauty sleep?"
Doyle shrugged. "Order a pizza?"
"I could go for that," Xander agreed and pulled out his cell phone. "Man I love this thing, it makes it so easy to connect to people and the net."
"I know," Cordelia agreed, leading him inside, "I can't believe the Mayor blocked all knowledge of them and made me use a plastic brick! I swear he deserved to die for that alone."
"Three large, two meat lovers, and a Hawaiian," Xander ordered, pulling out his wallet and reading off the number from his card before hanging up.
"Why do you have a bank card for the Cayman Islands?" Cordelia demanded.
"You can tell that at a glance?" Xander asked before snorting. "Why am I asking? Of course you can."
"Daddy had one," Cordelia said dryly, "and I borrowed it a time or two."
"Remember bug guy and police woman?" Xander asked as the three settled into the plush leather sofas in the lobby.
"The assassins after Buffy," Cordelia said.
"The Terakans wanted their rings back and offered to pay me for every one of them I could recover," he said with a grin. "Had to do a little digging for one, but they paid more than enough to make me happy and I found the remains of that gold cross they tortured Angel with."
"And that's how you afforded to move out," Cordelia said.
"Yep, plus the realtors knocked a large chunk off for me clearing a problem property myself," Xander said.
"Did the Mayor curse you and now that he's dead all the good things that were supposed to happen to you are happening all at once?!" Cordelia demanded.
Xander frowned thoughtfully. "Maybe?" he shrugged. "I'll be happy to add that to the list of things I blame him for."
"I can't believe you guys were going to fight an Old One," Doyle said with a shudder. "Lucky for you the Justice League showed up."
"It really wasn't," Cordelia said. "The Flasher disarmed us and they just got in the way until the loser here's plan killed him."
"To be fair we'd have lost dozens of people without them," Xander said, "so I'm really happy they showed up."
"True," Cordelia agreed.
"So, how has LA been treating you?"
"It's way too expensive and most of the acting roles I've been offered so far were for strippers," she said dryly. "Don't comment," she ordered him.
"Not a word," Xander said, trying not to laugh.
"And I had to convince Angel to charge for his services and not just wander the night trying to randomly rescue people," Cordelia said.
"The visions aren't random," Doyle said, "not that I know who they want me to rescue or why, but there has to be a purpose behind it."
"Yeah, but in between prophesying rescues there is still plenty of time to help people," Cordelia said, "and we should make money off that."
"I'm supposed to guide him to the light," Doyle argued.
"And now he's able to afford a new bulb if it burns out," she replied. "Listen, you told him he has to be a part of the world and not merely exist in it, money is part of that being part of it."
"I can see the sense in it," Doyle conceded.
"And have we done anything about the happiness clause in his curse?" Xander asked.
"He doesn't need to wet his willy to be part of the world," Cordelia replied.
"The happiness clause isn't about sex," Xander said, "it's about a moment of perfect happiness which can be damn near anything if you think about it."
"What?" she asked.
"A moment of perfect happiness, a moment, not a minute, not an hour, possibly not even a second," Xander explained. "If he wasn't such a mopey bastard Angelus would've been freed long ago, because a fleeting moment of happiness is easy to come by, it just takes things going right for a day or maybe something good happens you didn't expect."
"This is bad," Cordelia said, eyes wide.
"So getting laid won't free his soul?" Doyle asked, confused.
"Of course it will," Xander said, "post nut clarity is a hell of a drug, but it's not the only thing that will do it."
"What do we do?" Cordelia asked.
"Have a magic user staple his soul in place," Xander said. "Want me to call Giles?"
"If Giles could do it then why hasn't he?" she demanded.
"He probably can't and no one thought about it," Xander replied, "but Giles is hanging with the Justice League and they'll have someone."
"Oh, yeah, that makes sense," she said, calming down.
Xander pulled out his phone. "Man, I love this thing," he muttered before dialing. "Hey Giles, it's me Xander… No, well yes, but no. Angel needs his soul stapled in place before it comes loose again… The trigger isn't sex or not just sex it's happiness… Yeah, no one really thought about it but me and you guys always ignored me on the subject… Blame the Mayor, it's my new motto… It's always possible… Thanks, I'll text the address, bye."
"So?" Cordelia asked while Xander typed away on his phone.
"He'll send someone down," the dark haired teen replied as he put up his phone.
"I can't believe we never thought of it," Cordelia complained.
"You guys didn't, I did," Xander replied.
"I meant no one thought of it who mattered," she explained.
"Ouch," Doyle said with a wince, surprised to see that Xander just looked amused at her comment.
The lobby door opened and a young woman entered carrying a stack of pizzas. "Pizza delivery," she offered.
"Over here," Xander said, pulling out his wallet.
"It's pre-paid," she said as she set the pizza down.
"Yeah, but I still have to tip you," Xander said, passing her a twenty.
"Thanks," she said with a happy smile, "most people just tip via card."
"Yeah, but then the government takes half of it, and I'm not tipping them," Xander replied. "Have a nice day."
"You too," she said and left.
The three dug into the pizza and silence fell as they quickly devoured the first two while they were warm.
"Man, you two were hungry," Xander said. "Angel not keep the refrigerator stocked? No, of course he wouldn't, vampire. Ignore me."
"I always do," Cordelia agreed reflexively.
"You two snipe worse than a married couple," Doyle said, "what's the story?"
"Grew up together," Xander replied with a shrug.
"Doofus is my ex," Cordelia added.
"So it's friendly sniping?"
"Bingo," Xander said.
"Pretty much," Cordelia agreed, eyeing the third pizza for a moment before deciding to relax, digest, and stab the other two if they made a move towards it.
"So, what favor did Angel need from me anyway?" Xander asked. "He didn't say on the phone."
Doyle and Cordelia exchanged looks and winced.
"That bad?" Xander asked, concerned.
"Well… it's not good," Cordelia admitted.
"Angel owes a mage a favor and he wants a copy of a tape Spike made," Doyle explained, "and the only way Spike will send him a copy is if you have to watch it."
"Huh," Xander said. "Not sure what he wants me to watch… It's not a sex tape is it? Because yeah, Drusilla is beautiful but seeing Spike's pale white ass would be horrible."
"What?! No!" Cordelia exclaimed. "He wants you to watch yourself being tortured!"
"Oh," Xander said. "Well, better than being forced to see Spike naked. I wanted a copy of it anyway."
"Why would you want to see yourself being tortured?" Doyle asked in disbelief.
"Because he's shown the tape to his fledges and for some reason it has made them terrified of me," Xander replied. "I don't remember much of it, because, you know, torture and all, so I was pretty out of it. Still not sure how I made it to the hospital afterwards."
"Didn't Giles and them drive you?" Cordelia asked, confused.
"No, they took you to the hospital," Xander reminded her, "on account of the rebar."
Cordelia put a hand over her stomach. "They just left you there?" she asked quietly.
Xander shrugged. "Maybe? LIke I said, I don't know, I was really out of it and barely conscious."
"They probably went back for you," Cordelia offered, unsure if they had and feeling a twinge of guilt.
"Probably," Xander agreed, not much caring after so long.
"Hello?" a female voice called out.
"Zatanna?" Doyle asked in disbelief.
"Hello," the magic user greeted them, wearing the tuxedo and nylon costume she was famous for. "I'm here to meet an Alexander Harris?"
"That's me," Xander said with a wave. "I don't know what you've been told so let me sum it up from my perspective."
"Or I could do it," Cordelia offered, "as your description is probably going to be heavily slanted."
"And that's why I'm the only one who noticed the problem, right?" he asked sarcastically.
"Fine," Cordelia said with a frustrated sigh, "I'll just correct anything you get wrong then."
"I'd do it, but I'm a little out of my depth here," Doyle offered.
"A vampire was turned a couple of centuries ago, became a master, he was only a couple steps removed from the head of their line," Xander explained. "The Romani cursed him when he made the mistake of attacking a favored daughter of the clan."
"Ouch," Zatanna said with a wince.
"The curse ripped the body's soul out of purgatory and slapped it in charge of the corpse being animated by the demon," Xander continued. "Now, the cursed soul is using the body to do good but a moment of happiness will release it, putting the demon back in charge. We need something to keep the soul in place regardless of the curse and maybe something to let the soul know what memories are his and which are the demon's. If you could add something to let him silence the demon so he didn't have to listen to it, that would also be very much of the good."
Zatanna turned to Cordelia to see if she wanted to add anything.
"That's pretty accurate," Cordelia admitted.
"So a vampire that wants to be a hero and needs his soul anchored in place," Zatanna summed up.
"Bingo," Xander said.
"That's easy enough to handle," Zatanna said thoughtfully.
"Really?" the three chorused, surprised.
The mage smirked. "It's not the first time this has happened, though usually it's a mage of some strength who has clawed their way back for either redemption or revenge. In fact, I believe I have a ring that my great-great uncle made that was enchanted for that purpose. Of course the gypsy spell is a new twist, but a simple tattoo will anchor the soul in place."
"Can we give him a tramp stamp?" Xander asked hopefully.
"Xander!" Cordelia smacked him in the shoulder.
"Actually it has to be over the heart," Zatanna said, amused.
"Not as fun, but as long as it works," Xander said with a shrug.
"Angel's going to be so happy," Cordelia said with a beaming smile.
"Which means we can't tell him until it's already done," Xander pointed out.
"What?" Cordelia asked, then groaned.
"Happiness breaks the curse," Doyle reminded her.
"Yeah," Cordelia agreed.
"It's going to take me at least an hour to find the ring and get the ink ready," Zatanna said.
"That's fine, he's asleep right now," Xander said, "just teleport in when you're ready."
"No need," she said, pulling an ebony skeleton key out of her cleavage and opening a doorway in the air. "Be back shortly."
"Handy," Xander said.
"Really, a tramp stamp?" Cordelia asked Xander after the hole in the air had closed.
"Are you really that surprised?" he asked.
"No, not really," she admitted, "I just wanted to hit you."
He rolled his eyes.
"So what have you been up to in the last week?" she asked.
"Hold on, let me get the list," Xander said getting up. "I left it in the car."
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Shadows
A review from Bararic Bob inspired RUGoing2writethat to make this omake
Barbaric Bob chapter 26 . Oct 19 - There's always a Malithar the Destroyer or Vilcar the Horror but you never see the named demon Dave from accounting
Omake: Accounting is Hell by RUGoing2writethat
Xander was enjoying his new home. He would have to get some things for his rooms, but since he was essentially a multi-millionaire, he could now afford it. He was going to make a bedroom for Willow and one for Buffy with runes that would let them rest and relax.
All of a sudden he smelt Sulfur. "Where is that coming from?"
A burst of red and black smoke appeared in the middle of his living room. "Behold I am the Mighty, Powerful and Most Awesome Demon Donald from Operations and Accounts!"
Xander blinked. "What?"
"Donald, from Operations and Accounts," repeated the rather nerdy looking demon. I mean he looked like an accountant with horns and a tail; in fact, he kind of looked like Wesley, if Wesley had been a demon.
Xander blinked again. "Okay. What are you doing here?"
"I am here because you banished, hold on," said Donald as he pulled out his tablet and flipped some of the pages, "Gachnar, the Demon of Fear. Of course, the ceremony to summon him was performed wrong so he was summoned as a 3rd level imp. Now, because you banished him so… uniquely and without using magic or divine weaponry or calling upon the third legion or summoning a more powerful demon or without summoning your guardian angel, Gachnar's account owes you," he flips some pages on the tablet, "your choice of 50,000 one ounce 99% pure gold coins, or 1 monkey paw variety wish in which you'll learn a valuable lesson and everything will be set back to rights, but with you slightly worse off as a punishment. So, which one will it be?"
Xander stared at Donald. "The gold coins please."
"Very well," Donald said looking down at his tablet and tapping it with his pen, scratching out a few demonic looking runes and then tapping it again with his pen, "and tomorrow a demon named Etrigan from the Justice League will deliver a chest filled with 50,000, one ounce, 99% pure, gold coins. If you wish, you can contact the Justice League to vouch for him. Put a drop, a single drop, of your blood on the chest and it will open. This will also give us the ability to recover the gold when you die."
"Recover the gold?"
"The gold is yours for only your lifetime. Any money you earn from investing it or selling it is yours and you can leave that to your family or whatever. To recover the gold, what we usually do is manipulate someone into shipping the gold coins via a ship, which then sinks and the gold is lost at sea. We'll also give you a credible backstory if you want, but you are responsible for any taxes."
"I need to talk to Giles about this. He might be able to help me sell the gold."
"And cast a spell to get rid of any demonic influences or spells, excluding the recall spell. That is bound by your blood and if you don't bind the gold via your blood within 30 days, we'll recall the chest and gold."
"Really? Why would you tell me that?"
The demon sighed and said, "Even among demons there are geeks and nerds, of which I am one. I see how you treat everyone fairly and you are a leader among human geeks who respect you because respect them. That earns you respect, even among the geeks and nerds of demons."
The Demon's watch beeped.
"I have a meeting with a 5th level Prince of the Second Hell so I have to go. I will probably not see you later," the demon said as he vanished in another burst of red and blue smoke that smelled of sulfur… and parchment.
Oxnate Omake: I learned how film projectors work from watching Fight Club.
Andrew: And we're live!
Xander: Where did you learn to work a film projector?
Andrew: Fight Club.
Xander: I never saw you there. Did you go on Wednesdays? I could never make it on Wednesdays.
Andrew: What? No. Was there an actual Fight Club in the school?
Xander: What? No? Why would you think that? Xander lied unconvincingly.